This is one of the best books I’ve ever read. I base this simply on the fact that it is a book I’ve needed to read, and I wished that I had read a long while ago: a memoir by a blind man. A well-written, literate, sometimes funny, sometimes sad story that describes many of the same travails I’ve experienced myself.
But I suppose I should back up a step and say that the best thing about Kuusisto’s voice here is not that he is a blind man speaking about being blind. What makes this such a glorious wave of words is that he is a poet, and brings a very lyrical, musical, wonderfully descriptive life to his narrative. The dry and prosy nature of memoir puts me off the genre, and I generally don’t find a collection of anecdotes about someone’s life that interesting. It’s only when scenes, thoughts, and memories become endowed with meaning that the form becomes a powerful literary vehicle.
For example, here is Kuusisto talking about the effort to read in elementary school: “In school the printed word scrambles away from my one ‘reading eye’—words in fact seem to me like insects released from a box. While the class reads aloud, I watch the spirals of hypnotic light that ripple across my eyes when I move them from side to side. I do not belong here. My little body at this desk is something uncanny—a thing that belongs in the darkness and that has been brought to dalylight” (20).
Like me, Kuusisto is legally blind (total blindness is rare), meaning that he has limited sight. His visual field consists mostly of a swirl of colors and vague shapes, unless his face is very close, nearly touching something. It is a unique way of seeing, which does not amount to a naïve dismissal of its limitations. It is a different mode of perception that requires certain accommodations. As I well know, disability is a tight-wire act strung between the pillar of self-acceptance and independence and the altar of interdependence.
The visual capacity he has made him and his parents refuse to relegate him to the planet of the blind, a seemingly alien, lonely, and desolate place, as his parents imagined it, where beggars and prophets wander on the outskirts of life. I know of this experience as well, the syndrome known as “passing.” He played sports, zipped around with youthful energy, rode a bike—all with near-lethal results. His parents refused a social worker’s attempt to put him in a school for blind children. The resulting trials of public school, where he was mocked by classmates and teachers alike, were pretty hellish for him. Add to emotional and psychological trauma very real physical barriers to completing schoolwork, and you get one troubled blind kid. In turns indulging in food, alcohol, cigarettes and drugs, and starving himself to near-fatal frailty and malnutrition, Kuusisto pummeled through adolescence in a “nacreous haze” (great phrase) of smoke, blurred images, poetry, and self-loathing.
His world starts to open with college, as so often happens: literature invigorates him with new life, he has his first long-awaited relationship with a woman. Though still “brutally difficult,” reading being an arduous and sometimes near-impossible task for him, yet he starts to “build the instrument that will turn my blindness into a manner of seeing” (66). More people learn of his condition. Still, there are many disappointments and hardships, and it won’t be until he is near forty that he comes to accept himself. He takes trips to the Prado museum where he can’t see the paintings, and Greece where he can’t see the ancient buildings and ruins. He seems to have an obsession with birds—elusive creatures he could never quite see—and there is one especially disquieting scene where he describes a rapturous solitary fondling of stuffed birds, feeling overjoyed yet perverse, comparing himself to a frotteurist (a person who orgasms from casual contact with strangers).
Despite his struggles, he gets into the graduate studies at the Iowa Writers Workshop, fraternizing with poets from around the world, and later gets a Fulbright scholarship to study in Helsinki—a place that turns out to be utterly dismal, depressing, and unwelcoming.
Driven to desperation, he finds that the more he embraces his disability, and the resources available to him, the more liberated he becomes. When he makes the decision to get a guide dog, he feels a sense of safety and belonging that only seemed fleeting before. Corky, a golden retriever who becomes his constant companion, fills him with confidence about this place in the world: “The street is more my own. I belong here” (170).
I fear that I cannot do justice to the author’s engaging story and style. Besides the many lines of poetry he quotes, and myths and historical accounts he cites, his forays in humor often left me laughing out loud, not something I do frequently while reading a book. Consider this exchange at the guide dog training school:
“I like it when you’re in an elevator and the door opens on some floor, and the sighted person who’s standing there won’t get on,” says Mary from Philadelphia.
“Is that because of the dog?” I ask, thinking that some people are afraid of all dogs, even guide dogs.
“No, I mean this is when I had a cane,” she says.
“Yeah, well, you didn’t mention the gun you were holding,” says Bill.
“Did you know that blind people can legally buy guns?” says Hank. “There’s nothing in the gun application about blindness.”
“Don’t you think a blind army would be a great idea?”
“No, the Italians tried it.”
(162)
When Kuusisto fantasizes about his own version of the planet of the blind, a place where no cures are needed, where music, touch, and imagination infuse experience, where the fears of the sighted are “assuaged with fragrant reeds” (148), where “self-contempt is a museum,” he is in a transitional state between the pillars of acceptance and denial. Being blind means limitations, awkward mistakes—going into the wrong bathroom, groping at a stranger’s car when waiting for a ride (sometimes to the terror of said strangers), tripping over small obstacles, being nearly killed in the street, taking longer to do certain tasks—but if the planet of the sighted and the planet of the blind collide, perhaps being blind can be less terrible than it at first seemed.