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An Unconventional Family
In 1965, when psychologists Sandra and Daryl Bem met and married, they were determined to function as truly egalitarian partners and also to raise their children in accordance with gender-liberated, anti-homophobic, and sex-positive feminist ideals. During the next ten years, they exuberantly shared the details of their daily lives in both public lectures and the mass media in order to provide at least one concrete example of an alternative to the traditional heterosexual family. In the 1990s, Sandra Bem also published an award-winning book, The Lenses of Gender , which spelled out the feminist theory behind their feminist practices.
This second book by Sandra Bem, an autobiographical account of the Bems` nearly thirty-year marriage, is both a personal history of the Bems` past and a social history of a key period in feminism`s past. It is also a look into feminism`s future, because the Bems` children, Emily and Jeremy, now in their early twenties, speak at length in the book as well.
Bem analyzes what aspects of family background and psychological makeup led her and Daryl to bond so immediately and to become gender pioneers. She describes the egalitarianism and feminist child-rearing that they invented for their private needs and tells how these family agendas were transformed into public feminist discourse. Finally she reassesses this early feminist union now that the marriage has come to an end and the children are young adults, evaluating (with the help of lengthy interviews with Emily and Jeremy and a brief epilogue by Daryl) what the Bems` experiences―both positive and negative―have to say about the viability and necessity of nontraditional gender arrangements in society today.
This second book by Sandra Bem, an autobiographical account of the Bems` nearly thirty-year marriage, is both a personal history of the Bems` past and a social history of a key period in feminism`s past. It is also a look into feminism`s future, because the Bems` children, Emily and Jeremy, now in their early twenties, speak at length in the book as well.
Bem analyzes what aspects of family background and psychological makeup led her and Daryl to bond so immediately and to become gender pioneers. She describes the egalitarianism and feminist child-rearing that they invented for their private needs and tells how these family agendas were transformed into public feminist discourse. Finally she reassesses this early feminist union now that the marriage has come to an end and the children are young adults, evaluating (with the help of lengthy interviews with Emily and Jeremy and a brief epilogue by Daryl) what the Bems` experiences―both positive and negative―have to say about the viability and necessity of nontraditional gender arrangements in society today.
240 pages, Paperback
First published October 11, 1998
2 people are currently reading
248 people want to read
About the author
Sandra Lipsitz Bem
4 books5 followersSandra Ruth Lipsitz Bem was an American psychologist known for her works in androgyny and gender studies. Her pioneering work on gender roles, gender polarization and gender stereotypes led directly to more equal employment opportunities for women in the United States.
Bem and her husband Daryl Bem took the public by storm with their revolutionary concept of egalitarian marriage. The husband-wife team became highly demanded as speakers on the negative impacts of sex role stereotypes on individuals and society. At the time, there was a lack of empirical evidence to support their assertions because this was uncharted territory, and so Sandra Bem became very interested and determined to gather data that would support the detrimental and limiting effects of traditional sex roles.
Sandra Bem received many awards for her research. Her first was the American Psychological Association Distinguished Scientific Award for an Early Career contribution to Psychology in 1976. In 1977 she was awarded the Distinguished Publication Award of the Association of Women in Psychology and in 1980 she received the Young Scholar Award of the American Association of University Women (Makosky, 1990). In 1995, she was selected as an “Eminent Woman in Psychology” by the Divisions of General Psychology and History of Psychology of the American Psychological Association. Critics of Bem's work generally argued against the political nature of her theories and her objectivity in the material which she studied.
In 2010 Bem was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and, four years after diagnosis and after pursuing experimental treatments, she followed through with her plan to die by suicide at her home in Ithaca on May 20, 2014.[3][15] Her husband, Daryl, was present with her when she died.
Bem and her husband Daryl Bem took the public by storm with their revolutionary concept of egalitarian marriage. The husband-wife team became highly demanded as speakers on the negative impacts of sex role stereotypes on individuals and society. At the time, there was a lack of empirical evidence to support their assertions because this was uncharted territory, and so Sandra Bem became very interested and determined to gather data that would support the detrimental and limiting effects of traditional sex roles.
Sandra Bem received many awards for her research. Her first was the American Psychological Association Distinguished Scientific Award for an Early Career contribution to Psychology in 1976. In 1977 she was awarded the Distinguished Publication Award of the Association of Women in Psychology and in 1980 she received the Young Scholar Award of the American Association of University Women (Makosky, 1990). In 1995, she was selected as an “Eminent Woman in Psychology” by the Divisions of General Psychology and History of Psychology of the American Psychological Association. Critics of Bem's work generally argued against the political nature of her theories and her objectivity in the material which she studied.
In 2010 Bem was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and, four years after diagnosis and after pursuing experimental treatments, she followed through with her plan to die by suicide at her home in Ithaca on May 20, 2014.[3][15] Her husband, Daryl, was present with her when she died.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
August 7, 2010
I cannot really describe the impact this book had on my ideas of gender and parenthood. I read it for class when I was pregnant with my first baby and it kind of blew my world apart in the best way.
May 31, 2015
Found this brief memoir incredibly interesting, not simply in light of Bem's suicide, but in terms of her entire life. I studied with her at Cornell when I was an undergrad, and had no idea how young she was, nor how new were the ideas and theories she was wrestling with.
Yes, there are problems with it from a writer's point of view--structural problems and problems that I can only term issues of emotional honesty, although Bem is quite clear that she is aware of the latter. But overall, so worth reading that I want to give it a full 5 star rating. Especially the last sections, the interviews with her children and the essay from her husband, which so deeply support the commitment this family made to gender neutrality, a nearly impossible goal to achieve. I learned so much from reading this, not only about this odd and brilliant family, but also about my own ingrained assumptions, that I don't think I'll ever stop pondering it.
Yes, there are problems with it from a writer's point of view--structural problems and problems that I can only term issues of emotional honesty, although Bem is quite clear that she is aware of the latter. But overall, so worth reading that I want to give it a full 5 star rating. Especially the last sections, the interviews with her children and the essay from her husband, which so deeply support the commitment this family made to gender neutrality, a nearly impossible goal to achieve. I learned so much from reading this, not only about this odd and brilliant family, but also about my own ingrained assumptions, that I don't think I'll ever stop pondering it.
July 7, 2012
I give this a 3.5
Clearly takes place in the context of the '70s, but I really appreciated the author's approach to an egalitarian marriage and how to raise her children in a home free of gender stereotypes. I'm not sure I would go so far as to want to encourage my kid to be androgynous, but this book does give me a lot to think about as a wife and mother.
Clearly takes place in the context of the '70s, but I really appreciated the author's approach to an egalitarian marriage and how to raise her children in a home free of gender stereotypes. I'm not sure I would go so far as to want to encourage my kid to be androgynous, but this book does give me a lot to think about as a wife and mother.
July 30, 2015
Perhaps this book isn't for everyone, but to get a window in to the life of one of my most memorable college professors was a huge treat. I was transfixed then by her very public "experiment" in living a gender-non conforming life. My only disappointment, and it's a big one, is that the book didn't give details of the life she created for herself after her marriage dissolved.
August 2, 2014
Amazing candid story of a radical feminist experiment by my favorite Stanford professor.
December 30, 2016
[3.5 stars]
A fascinating, if dated and pre-theoretical, attempt at describing egalitarian relationships and child-rearing. Mostly autobiographical, with a bit of theory that seemed to focus mostly on the idea that gender abolitionism meant a kind of androgyny even while retaining a naïve biological essentialism. In short, the Drs. Bem sought to have an egalitarian relationship which saw minimal-to-nonexistent division of labor, and to raise children as free as possible from obligate gender roles and heteronormativity. Bem honestly skimped on the details of how their relationship was situated, which was disappointing considering it was a major selling point of the book, but the descriptions of raising their two children were invaluable, especially for their interviews at the end of the book, when both children were in their early twenties. Both seem to have retained the gender non-conformity and bi/pansexuality their parents had tried to normalize, even if it came with some distrust/worry about the degree to which they still more-or-less fell into recognizable gender roles.
Fascinating and recommended read. Despite how dated it obviously is, there's plenty of relevance and inspiration to be drawn from here.
A fascinating, if dated and pre-theoretical, attempt at describing egalitarian relationships and child-rearing. Mostly autobiographical, with a bit of theory that seemed to focus mostly on the idea that gender abolitionism meant a kind of androgyny even while retaining a naïve biological essentialism. In short, the Drs. Bem sought to have an egalitarian relationship which saw minimal-to-nonexistent division of labor, and to raise children as free as possible from obligate gender roles and heteronormativity. Bem honestly skimped on the details of how their relationship was situated, which was disappointing considering it was a major selling point of the book, but the descriptions of raising their two children were invaluable, especially for their interviews at the end of the book, when both children were in their early twenties. Both seem to have retained the gender non-conformity and bi/pansexuality their parents had tried to normalize, even if it came with some distrust/worry about the degree to which they still more-or-less fell into recognizable gender roles.
Fascinating and recommended read. Despite how dated it obviously is, there's plenty of relevance and inspiration to be drawn from here.
July 13, 2019
I absolutely loved this book.
I was initially interested in it due to the fact that Sandy Lipsitz Bem and I share many of the same beliefs. It was never a question of weather I would grow my children up based on feminist ideologies and gender equality, so I was very curious as to weather and how it turned out for the Bem family. I wouldn’t say I would go as far as the Bem family in a few of their decisions, but the overall idea seems great.
The writing was a breeze, I was worried it would be too specific to the academic topics written about but I was happy to be able to understand everything.
It’s amazing to see how something that is viewed as nearly normal nowadays, was happening and seen as very abnormal in the 1970’s. I always needed to remind myself that this was a huge thing to try out then, and I feel almost proud of the Bem family. It must of been a real roller coster.
I especially enjoyed the feminist child rearing chapter. I loved the anecdotes and reading how they chose to take each step on a personal level.
In addition, I think the interviews of the children at the end was a perfect touch to the book. Getting that kind of insight is so important to a book of this kind, and I agreed with most of what they had to say.
I was initially interested in it due to the fact that Sandy Lipsitz Bem and I share many of the same beliefs. It was never a question of weather I would grow my children up based on feminist ideologies and gender equality, so I was very curious as to weather and how it turned out for the Bem family. I wouldn’t say I would go as far as the Bem family in a few of their decisions, but the overall idea seems great.
The writing was a breeze, I was worried it would be too specific to the academic topics written about but I was happy to be able to understand everything.
It’s amazing to see how something that is viewed as nearly normal nowadays, was happening and seen as very abnormal in the 1970’s. I always needed to remind myself that this was a huge thing to try out then, and I feel almost proud of the Bem family. It must of been a real roller coster.
I especially enjoyed the feminist child rearing chapter. I loved the anecdotes and reading how they chose to take each step on a personal level.
In addition, I think the interviews of the children at the end was a perfect touch to the book. Getting that kind of insight is so important to a book of this kind, and I agreed with most of what they had to say.
March 27, 2021
Future husband will need to read this before I accept any marriage proposal :p
January 12, 2025
I was expecting it to be more radical bit at this point for me most of her thesis is pretty surface level feminism. Still an interesting story and very easy to read.
July 13, 2009
The first half goes through a personal history and discusses mostly their "egalitarian marriage," which was surely revolutionary at the time but is close to what many of us live now. You don't need to read it to get the second, really interesting half of the book which discusses their "gender neutral" child rearing philosophy and practices. It's really interesting to see how they were successful and unanticipated issues. The interviews at the end with the were very interesting.
June 6, 2010
It was really interesting to go along with this author and her former husband on their journey to raise a family together as gender pioneers. I'd like to read The Lenses of Gender as well.
April 14, 2013
I read this as part of a research project in Psychology 101. I enjoyed the insight of gender neutral child rearing.
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April 16, 2015a prominent thinker has a life too
it's not too unconventional at all at the end of the day
it's not too unconventional at all at the end of the day
May 4, 2021
3.5ish
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews