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The Magic Touch
The sense of touch is It can heal and it can hurt. It can make or break relationships. It can create a loving bond between partners, and if abused, can inflict lifelong wounds physically and emotionally. While all too often taken for granted, one thing is It should never be taken lightly.
The Magic Touch explores the mystery and majesty of touch - leading up to, and within the context of marriage - all from a traditional Jewish perspective. Judaism embraces a holistic approach to physical intimacy and the marriage relationship, viewing the whole person body and soul while recognizing the essential differences between a man and woman s nature.
Here is a book that is upbeat, personal, entertaining and insightful, written with candor and humor, yet designed for men and women seeking clarity over confusion, motivation, meaning, and a spiritual dimension to their relationship.
The Magic Touch discusses the power of restraint, and how sexual self-control is the best form of marriage preparation, giving single adults the best chance to find true love.
In a culture that is all too often superficial, cynical, vulgar, and demeaning when it comes to relationships, this refreshing title taps into age-old wisdom to help you reclaim your individuality, your identity, dignity, self-worth, and sacred worth.
Noted author Gila Manolson is a teacher and popular lecturer. Her other important titles dealing with human relationships include Head to Heart , Outside Inside, and Choosing To Love.
The Magic Touch explores the mystery and majesty of touch - leading up to, and within the context of marriage - all from a traditional Jewish perspective. Judaism embraces a holistic approach to physical intimacy and the marriage relationship, viewing the whole person body and soul while recognizing the essential differences between a man and woman s nature.
Here is a book that is upbeat, personal, entertaining and insightful, written with candor and humor, yet designed for men and women seeking clarity over confusion, motivation, meaning, and a spiritual dimension to their relationship.
The Magic Touch discusses the power of restraint, and how sexual self-control is the best form of marriage preparation, giving single adults the best chance to find true love.
In a culture that is all too often superficial, cynical, vulgar, and demeaning when it comes to relationships, this refreshing title taps into age-old wisdom to help you reclaim your individuality, your identity, dignity, self-worth, and sacred worth.
Noted author Gila Manolson is a teacher and popular lecturer. Her other important titles dealing with human relationships include Head to Heart , Outside Inside, and Choosing To Love.
110 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1992
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
August 22, 2020
Do not give this book to your teenage daughter to teach her about the sanctity of marriage and encourage her to be modest and not touch boys.
I read this as a teenager, growing up in a Modern Orthodox Jewish home, back at a time when I believed in modesty and saving sex for marriage. I can not express how harmful the messages in this book are. Sex-negative, body-negative, sexist, misogynist propaganda that I had to work so hard to unlearn before I could have a healthy relationship with myself, with G-d, and with a partner.
Here are some examples of ideas this book promotes:
1. Boys and men don't care about anything except for getting laid. They don't think about anything except for sex. They're not interested in a relationship with a woman, they ONLY want to fuck and move on.
2. Men don't respect women who show their bodies.
3. People who physically touch each other can't actually tell if they like each other or not because humans can't tell the difference between lust and love, between infatuation and friendship, between enjoying a person's company and enjoying a person's skin.
4. If you dress modestly so that guys "can't tell what you've got under there," that's what will make a strong basis for a good relationship.
5. Sexual compatibility isn't a thing anyone needs to worry about. You can get married without having ever touched and it'll be fine.
6. Every time you touch a human being of a different gender from your own, you are reducing the potential holiness of your future definitely heterosexual marriage (zero to say to me as a bisexual teen about what touching my girlfriends meant, or why it was different, because there is no acknowledgement that queer people exist, and we know enough today to understand that this kind of heteronormative approach is harmful.)
Here's the thing. Even if you do believe in modesty, even if you are saving sex for marriage, which in itself is fine- nothing wrong with those! But even if you do, that shouldn't come hand in hand (lol, had to) with feeling ashamed of your body, or thinking that men and teenage boys are sex monsters who don't care about people and don't have feelings. You should not have to dress modestly in order to be respected. News flash: boys have feelings. Men have emotions. They care about things that aren't sex. Sometimes a lof of things. Sometimes people. They even want relationships! Shocking, I know. There was no reason for me to feel ashamed to show my shoulders around my own classmates, but it was that level of body shame that was drilled into me under the moniker of modesty, and it really didn't have to be.
So please. Protect the future generation of Jewish women* and girls and kids of all genders and do not force them to read this book. Or let them. Just have a conversation.
Shana Tova, peeps.
I read this as a teenager, growing up in a Modern Orthodox Jewish home, back at a time when I believed in modesty and saving sex for marriage. I can not express how harmful the messages in this book are. Sex-negative, body-negative, sexist, misogynist propaganda that I had to work so hard to unlearn before I could have a healthy relationship with myself, with G-d, and with a partner.
Here are some examples of ideas this book promotes:
1. Boys and men don't care about anything except for getting laid. They don't think about anything except for sex. They're not interested in a relationship with a woman, they ONLY want to fuck and move on.
2. Men don't respect women who show their bodies.
3. People who physically touch each other can't actually tell if they like each other or not because humans can't tell the difference between lust and love, between infatuation and friendship, between enjoying a person's company and enjoying a person's skin.
4. If you dress modestly so that guys "can't tell what you've got under there," that's what will make a strong basis for a good relationship.
5. Sexual compatibility isn't a thing anyone needs to worry about. You can get married without having ever touched and it'll be fine.
6. Every time you touch a human being of a different gender from your own, you are reducing the potential holiness of your future definitely heterosexual marriage (zero to say to me as a bisexual teen about what touching my girlfriends meant, or why it was different, because there is no acknowledgement that queer people exist, and we know enough today to understand that this kind of heteronormative approach is harmful.)
Here's the thing. Even if you do believe in modesty, even if you are saving sex for marriage, which in itself is fine- nothing wrong with those! But even if you do, that shouldn't come hand in hand (lol, had to) with feeling ashamed of your body, or thinking that men and teenage boys are sex monsters who don't care about people and don't have feelings. You should not have to dress modestly in order to be respected. News flash: boys have feelings. Men have emotions. They care about things that aren't sex. Sometimes a lof of things. Sometimes people. They even want relationships! Shocking, I know. There was no reason for me to feel ashamed to show my shoulders around my own classmates, but it was that level of body shame that was drilled into me under the moniker of modesty, and it really didn't have to be.
So please. Protect the future generation of Jewish women* and girls and kids of all genders and do not force them to read this book. Or let them. Just have a conversation.
Shana Tova, peeps.
May 7, 2023
I'd first like to preface this review by saying that I am a religious Jew who keeps shomer negiyah to some degree. I'm not the best at it, but I try.
This is probably one of the worst books I've ever read. The author constantly contradicts herself, says extremely blank statements without proof but the word of one person from her "memory", and the whole book is just extremely poorly written. To top it all off, she tries to be 'trendy' by including very cringy jokes and analogies.
I'd really much rather have shomer relationships explained to me by a rabbi, rather than the hot trash of a book she wrote here.
This author compared people who don't keep shomer negiyah to her literal two year old child, and basically implied that anyone who thinks it's "too hard" doesn't have a concept of delayed gratification.
All in all, this doesn't seem like a "Jewish approach" and more like an opinionated argument essay put into book form. She explains things poorly and comes across as kind of a big know it all, judgemental person.
If I could give this book 0 stars I would.
This is probably one of the worst books I've ever read. The author constantly contradicts herself, says extremely blank statements without proof but the word of one person from her "memory", and the whole book is just extremely poorly written. To top it all off, she tries to be 'trendy' by including very cringy jokes and analogies.
I'd really much rather have shomer relationships explained to me by a rabbi, rather than the hot trash of a book she wrote here.
This author compared people who don't keep shomer negiyah to her literal two year old child, and basically implied that anyone who thinks it's "too hard" doesn't have a concept of delayed gratification.
All in all, this doesn't seem like a "Jewish approach" and more like an opinionated argument essay put into book form. She explains things poorly and comes across as kind of a big know it all, judgemental person.
If I could give this book 0 stars I would.
June 17, 2021
I was immensely horrified by this book. Some parts utterly disgusted me.
September 21, 2013
Physical touch is extremely powerful. As examples, when a couple are getting into a really heated argument, it sometimes ends when one partner touches the other, or hugs them. You both are overwhelmed with emotional response. The touch feels so good that it settles the argument. However, what you've done is covered up the problem with an overriding emotional rush rather than really work it out and find a common ground. This often leads to one partner having more control than the other; whoever shushes up after being the receiver of the touch stands on weaker ground in the relationship. It is also too easy to mistake physical connection and time spent together for love.
When physical touch is off the table during dating, then all emotional connection has to be made primarily through personality and intellect. Which one would you prefer long term? The vast majority of girls will say the second one. And guys that genuinely want the relationship to work long term will as well. Though most don't think in those terms because the urge to get physical is so strong.
I had dinner last night with the author, Gila Manolson, who writes and speaks to girls, both born religious and exploring, about touch and modesty. Her family is vegetarian, 7 children, love to sing, fascinating and extremely close and happy.
When you hold off on physical touch, it forces you to deal with issues through equal footing and well-defined roles, which are necessary ingredients to healthy long-lasting relationships. Often early in relationships, after X number of dates, physicality is socially demanded. Often, one person initiates and the other one is somewhat uncomfortable, or has a different stopping point. But this means that many people are afraid to full express themselves at risk of leading people on.
Also, Gila's talked to thousands of couples. She says once people (who bought into the idea) are married, the touch means so much more, because it was born out of and into love, not the cause of love. It's like your view on friendships taken to its natural limits. If waiting till you care about someone to have sex with them, because that part of you is sensitive, then by tapping into the sensitivities of all your limbs will be that much greater.
She's talked to lots of couples about the moment after the wedding when the couple go into a room for 40 minutes alone together. Many couples just hold hands and stare into each others eyes. Since it's their first touch, even fingertips are extremely sensitive. She says the magic of discovery stays with you the rest of the marriage.
The counter-argument is for experience. But once you've settled down to one partner, experience largely only serves to find flaws in your partner or in your previous experience. It doesn't create greater joy with your lifelong partner. Same with compatibility -- the vast majority of mentally healthy people will be able to learn to be good in bed with each other. You learn best if a person is mentally healthy by getting to know their personality deeply, not their body. So with that too, waiting enhances. Experience is really only better if you want a longterm polyamorous relationship -- constantly trying out new people and new positions. But this usually reveals a boredom with what you have more so than true happiness.
Once you find the right person, you might say, why wait for marriage? Well, that largely explains the rise of pre-marriage live-in relationships and high divorce rates. When you are with someone because they make you feel good, rather than a greater desire to create something great together -- whether that's career, family, or committed life, then you are still focussing on your own needs over your partners. And while both people may be satisfied by that, it's not fully fulfilled. That one is tougher to explain, but I think the gist still vibes.
Religious thought is about building the deepest relationships, getting the most fulfillment out of life, having goals that boost long-term self-image. It's only not for everyone because most people A) are ignorant of the deep beauty of the philosophy, since so much of it is transmitted in short, cheesy, ignorable bites or B) believe they prefer short term pleasures (physical alone and physical w/spiritual) to long term pleasures, or believe that a series of short term pleasures will lead to a life that is more ultimately pleasurable than what they'll get from waiting for long term physical pleasures.
This is the idea that you can "have your cake and eat it too". Stage One: I'll experiment while I'm young, date lots of people, then Stage Two: get married. She says, "When you get to Stage Two, you'll no longer be the person you would have been without Stage One. You're going to enter marriage with a storehouse of memories of past girlfriends and a grossly eroded sensitivity. Now that you've 'had your cake', it won't be there to 'eat' anymore. There's no going back." "The truth is, once they find their soulmate, most people don't exactly relish their memories of past involvements. Nonetheless, such recollections stick with you, surfacing when you least want them to. Someone I know likened them to flies persistently buzzing around your head. Others would surely add that if a previous relationship was relatively casual, or not very good, the thought of having been physically involved with that person can be positively embarrassing. Probably most committed ba'alei teshuvah (people who later become religious), once happily married, would be grateful if their past relationships, good and bad alike, could be erased with a wave of their hand... You're not missing out by not doing something now if later you'll be relieved you didn't do it. When you're happily settled down with your partner for life, you won't regret all those experiences you've "missed." You'll know, with a certainty you've never had, that the only thing you've missed is what lies ahead. (Page 64 of The Magic Touch: A Jewish Approach to Relationships)
When physical touch is off the table during dating, then all emotional connection has to be made primarily through personality and intellect. Which one would you prefer long term? The vast majority of girls will say the second one. And guys that genuinely want the relationship to work long term will as well. Though most don't think in those terms because the urge to get physical is so strong.
I had dinner last night with the author, Gila Manolson, who writes and speaks to girls, both born religious and exploring, about touch and modesty. Her family is vegetarian, 7 children, love to sing, fascinating and extremely close and happy.
When you hold off on physical touch, it forces you to deal with issues through equal footing and well-defined roles, which are necessary ingredients to healthy long-lasting relationships. Often early in relationships, after X number of dates, physicality is socially demanded. Often, one person initiates and the other one is somewhat uncomfortable, or has a different stopping point. But this means that many people are afraid to full express themselves at risk of leading people on.
Also, Gila's talked to thousands of couples. She says once people (who bought into the idea) are married, the touch means so much more, because it was born out of and into love, not the cause of love. It's like your view on friendships taken to its natural limits. If waiting till you care about someone to have sex with them, because that part of you is sensitive, then by tapping into the sensitivities of all your limbs will be that much greater.
She's talked to lots of couples about the moment after the wedding when the couple go into a room for 40 minutes alone together. Many couples just hold hands and stare into each others eyes. Since it's their first touch, even fingertips are extremely sensitive. She says the magic of discovery stays with you the rest of the marriage.
The counter-argument is for experience. But once you've settled down to one partner, experience largely only serves to find flaws in your partner or in your previous experience. It doesn't create greater joy with your lifelong partner. Same with compatibility -- the vast majority of mentally healthy people will be able to learn to be good in bed with each other. You learn best if a person is mentally healthy by getting to know their personality deeply, not their body. So with that too, waiting enhances. Experience is really only better if you want a longterm polyamorous relationship -- constantly trying out new people and new positions. But this usually reveals a boredom with what you have more so than true happiness.
Once you find the right person, you might say, why wait for marriage? Well, that largely explains the rise of pre-marriage live-in relationships and high divorce rates. When you are with someone because they make you feel good, rather than a greater desire to create something great together -- whether that's career, family, or committed life, then you are still focussing on your own needs over your partners. And while both people may be satisfied by that, it's not fully fulfilled. That one is tougher to explain, but I think the gist still vibes.
Religious thought is about building the deepest relationships, getting the most fulfillment out of life, having goals that boost long-term self-image. It's only not for everyone because most people A) are ignorant of the deep beauty of the philosophy, since so much of it is transmitted in short, cheesy, ignorable bites or B) believe they prefer short term pleasures (physical alone and physical w/spiritual) to long term pleasures, or believe that a series of short term pleasures will lead to a life that is more ultimately pleasurable than what they'll get from waiting for long term physical pleasures.
This is the idea that you can "have your cake and eat it too". Stage One: I'll experiment while I'm young, date lots of people, then Stage Two: get married. She says, "When you get to Stage Two, you'll no longer be the person you would have been without Stage One. You're going to enter marriage with a storehouse of memories of past girlfriends and a grossly eroded sensitivity. Now that you've 'had your cake', it won't be there to 'eat' anymore. There's no going back." "The truth is, once they find their soulmate, most people don't exactly relish their memories of past involvements. Nonetheless, such recollections stick with you, surfacing when you least want them to. Someone I know likened them to flies persistently buzzing around your head. Others would surely add that if a previous relationship was relatively casual, or not very good, the thought of having been physically involved with that person can be positively embarrassing. Probably most committed ba'alei teshuvah (people who later become religious), once happily married, would be grateful if their past relationships, good and bad alike, could be erased with a wave of their hand... You're not missing out by not doing something now if later you'll be relieved you didn't do it. When you're happily settled down with your partner for life, you won't regret all those experiences you've "missed." You'll know, with a certainty you've never had, that the only thing you've missed is what lies ahead. (Page 64 of The Magic Touch: A Jewish Approach to Relationships)
July 3, 2022
Es un buen libro. Enseña un tipo de enfoque diferente a las relaciones humanas. Promueve la conexión emocional y espiritual entre las parejas antes que la física, la cuál, según ella, se da como consecuencia de un vínculo emocional y espiritual.
Pero, hay que tener cuidado, ya que de forma subliminal te dice que si haces lo que dice ahí, serás feliz y tendrás una pareja maravillosa. Usa palabras como "ésta es la pócima de amor".
Es un libro que me causó mucho conflicto, pero está bien, porque saca de la zona de confort y enseña otra forma de conectarse.
Pero, hay que tener cuidado, ya que de forma subliminal te dice que si haces lo que dice ahí, serás feliz y tendrás una pareja maravillosa. Usa palabras como "ésta es la pócima de amor".
Es un libro que me causó mucho conflicto, pero está bien, porque saca de la zona de confort y enseña otra forma de conectarse.
February 13, 2019
I think this book gave fascinating insight on the Jewish perspective of relationships; however, there are global perspectives about relationships that also fall into the secular world. I would recommend this book for anyone who is dating.
March 8, 2016
although not relevent to my lifestyle now, its a complete eye opener with manolsons cute and blunt way of stating human traits and emotions. a definite suggestion for those with questions and an informative read for those who dont.
October 9, 2014
Not a great thought, because it doesn't address the problems women face, due to gender rules.
December 9, 2014
Amazingly true and in some way it's shows you how to respect your self and your partner.
September 22, 2013
Great intro book (teens, non-Jews, or non-FFB).
October 28, 2013
Good read! Very insightful as are many books suggested by my dear friend, Adventursome A.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews