Family Ties that Bind

by Ronald W. Richardson

Family Ties that Bind: A Self-help Guide to Change through Family of Origin Therapy.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, School, Mental Health, Social Work, Christian

Paperback

First published October 1, 1984

Reviews

[Rachel Nazareth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably one of the best books I've ever read. It was course reading for my Pastoral Counselling course in my Masters of Divinity.

Completely changed my way of viewing and interacting with my immediete family.

I highly recommend it to anyone that feels they are constantly playing out the same old patterns in their relationships with parents, siblings, other in-laws etc.

A short book, but so so insightful.

[Loriann Oberlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Our family of origin is our first "relationship lab" as I often tell clients and those wanting to learn more about how their childhood and how they were parented affects their current, everyday lives.

I like this book because it's short and Richardson does a great job helping readers to understand:

• how families function
• how triangles operate
• how we deal with differences
• how coalitions crop into families
• how to understand a family genogram
• how to make sense of birth order in your family

Why learn all this, you might ask? Simple: Because if you don't figure out how things went on in your family of origin, you end up recreating the drama (hopefully not trauma) in current relationships. It's well worth the read so that you don't make mistakes over and over, and so that you become the best self you can be (subject of another Richardson book).

[Marco · Rating 4 out of 5]

An OK introduction to concepts of Bowen theory written in a more casual style.

[Megan Goswell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stuff that everyone wonders about but rarely talk about. A curious, non assumption, helpful read to appreciate how much our families impact and influence us.

[The Book Bunch (Sam) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I definitely think the first 6 chapters were very helpful at explaining family's. However I felt the later few chapters were unhelpful for those who have experienced abuse from their family and would have liked to see some options for exploring family of origin work when that has occurred.

[Emily Mc · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! Everyone can benefit from reading this book!

[Virginia Smith · Rating 1 out of 5]

Had to read this for a grad school application. Did not like it. I won’t get into my reasoning here too much, I’ll save it for the reading response I need to submit with the application, but I don’t feel that this book is a good assignment for Marriage and Family Therapy students. The author seems to write off types of therapy outside of Bowen theory and says therapists “bought into the picture of family I presented to them and none of them suggested that I might sit down with various family members, talk with them, get to know them, or learn to see myself within the context of their lives and the emotional system of which we were all a part” which sounds like either bad therapy or a misrepresentation, encouraging clients to talk things through with family members is a pretty basic thing and any MFT should be encouraging clients to see themselves within the context of the emotional systems they’re part of. Maybe things were different when the book was written.

I think the work as it’s presented in this book is either far too individualistic or expects the individual to be responsible for changing their family dynamic. The book also does not allow for the possibility that sometimes, maintaining a relationship with certain family members is not possible or beneficial. There is no mention of caveats for abuse, and several times domestic violence is analyzed through the lens of Bowen theory which, in my opinion, comes up seriously short.

Anyway, I’ll have to more properly formulate my thoughts on this book later rather than in a late-night aggravated Goodreads review, which is probably not particularly eloquent, but I do think I’ll write in my application that I didn’t like the book. Hopefully I’ll get points for honesty.

[YHC · Rating 3 out of 5]

--“融合”恰好与“分化”相反。所谓“融合”就是陷入一种共生或寄生关
系的泥潭中。也就是说，你总是对别人的行为做出这样或者那样的反
应。我们在第4章中提到过的那四种基本反应策略（顺从、反叛、攻击
和断绝关系）都是“融合”的不同体现。
┊示例┊
玛格丽特和保罗陷入了一场家庭战争。无论讨论的话题是什么（政治、宗教、孩子、家庭杂务），夫妻之间都会产生很大分歧。他们都指
责对方在所有问题上犯了错误，还把他们的差异看作是很大的问题。但
是他们二人在本质上很相像。虽然在思想和行为上看起来十分独立，但
其实二人都有很大的依赖性。
保罗对“亲密感”的定义非常符合我们很多人对“爱情”的看法，但这
恰恰是一种“融合”关系的体现。母亲和婴儿之间的关系从一开始就是一
种“融合”的关系，而我们每个人成长的过程却是要让自己成为独立自
主、自力更生、可以满足自己需求的成熟个体。
即使对成年人来说，也很难放弃追求“融合”的欲望。我们梦想着找到一个“特殊的人”，建立亲密的关系，希望他能带来想要的“融合”式爱
情。当我们坠入爱河的时候，自以为找到了这样一个“特殊的人”。当我
们发现自己错了的时候，就开始抱怨自己与爱人之间缺乏交流和沟通，
但是我们大多数人这时所说的“交流”往往指的是“一致性”。当人们认为
自己在和爱人“交流”的时候，其实是他们和爱人想法一致的时候。当玛
格丽特抱怨保罗没有跟她“交流”时，其实往往是保罗没有跟玛格丽特“交流”她想要“交流”的东西而已。因此，他们虽然一直在“交流”，却
总是“交流”失败。这样一来，当保罗想要的东西跟玛格丽特不一样时，
他也许会跟玛格丽特保持疏远，把精力投入到工作中去（同时他也希望
玛格丽特能够更加理解他，期望玛格丽特变得跟他更加相似）。玛格丽
特则拼命地向保罗靠近，希望获得更多的“亲密感”（其实这里的“亲密
感”指的是“一致性”），希望保罗能够与她更好地“交流”。
都是被原生家庭中未解决的“感情依恋”所困，他们都希望从婚姻中
获得那种“合二为一”的奇妙感觉。
“融合”是夫妻关系中一个强大的因素。处于“融合关系”中的夫妻像
了解自己一样熟悉对方。即使对方不说一句话，丈夫或者妻子也能明白
对方的需求、愿望、想法和感受。
那些具有“情感本能”的人往往熟悉这个过程。
总的来说，一个家庭的“融合”程度越高，家
里可以让人产生不快的话题就越多。避开这些“令人不快”的话题其实是
为了避免触犯家里的某个成员。
但是别人感到不高兴的时候，我们自己往往也会感到不愉快。因
此，当我们避开“令人不快”的话题时，真实意图其实是进行“自我保
护”。我们之所以不愿意让别人感到不快，是因为我们自己不想感到不
快。“融合”型的家庭在没有发生什么内部矛盾时，一般的状况大概就是
如此：家庭成员谁也不愿意谈论和触及彼此之间的差异和不同，因为这
也许会使家庭内部发生令人不快的事情。他们假装完全一致，以维持家
庭的和平气氛。但是当家庭气氛变得紧张起来的时候，再强求一致，就
会令人感到不安。这样一来，在紧张的气氛下，“融合”型家庭的成员们
就开始失去自控能力。他们会相互指责.

[Annika Blackmer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Family Ties That Bind by Ronald Richardson is an approachable guide to understanding how families shape us long after childhood.
This book draws from Bowen Family Systems Theory. Richardson explains core ideas like ‘fusion’, when family members become overly entangled in each other’s emotions. Another core idea of this theory is ‘triangulation’ where a third person is pulled into a relationship to ease tension between two others.

The most central idea is differentiation of self: the ability to stay emotionally connected to your family while still maintaining your own individuality, identity and values. Family Ties That Bind families outlines the surface of how families operate as emotional systems. Each individual’s feelings and behaviors ripple outward, influencing others and forming patterns that often carry across generations.
This book is a great introduction to lead to deeper clinical or academic exploration of Bowens Family Systems Theory.

[Rae · Rating 3 out of 5]

Family dynamics, unwritten rules, triangles, coalitions, secrets, birth order, personalities, under- and over-functioning. Good stuff.

CHANGE YOU, NOT OTHERS: Remember, you developed your character. Your family provided an environment and their own personality styles, and they are responsible only for that. They are not responsible for what you did with that. You reacted to that environment and those personality styles in your own unique way (as did your brothers and sisters if you have them). No one made you the way your are; the good news about this is that it means you can change you. Your changing does not depend on other people changing. You no longer have to react automatically, as you did in your childhood, to the context or environment or style they created. You can be your own person. To do that you must take responsibility for yourself and stop blaming others. (93)

[Nik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall a valuable and approchable read with thoughtful questions for self-reflection. I particularly appreciated Richardson's nuanced look at triangulation (p. 62; great exercise on imagining the effect of a third other intruding on one-on-one conversations) and the importance (and consequences) of differentiation (~p. 113). I also (generally) align with Richardson's emphasis on viewing "the family as a positive resource instead of seeing clients as unfortunate victims of toxic family members", p. 139)

Skipped the chapter on birth order (modern research finds no robust evidence that birth order influences personality, or at least, other factors such as genetics, socioeconomic status, and family life experiences have a much bigger role).

[Renata Shura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very worthwhile...went well with Bradshaw's Family Secrets!

[Samantha Hehr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Therapist's recommendation. Is helpful. I'll definitely be flipping through it again.

[Boofybaby · Rating 2 out of 5]

only liked the sibling part bc i only like reading about stuff that pertains to me <3 i'm stoopid <3

rest was a bore and a snore

[Rachel Critelli · Rating 5 out of 5]

Illuminating.

[Luke Eadie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eye opening source on Family of Origin therapy and family systems theory, if not a tad too traditional in its views.

[Richard Fitzgerald · Rating 3 out of 5]

I suppose 'Family Ties That Bind' is an okay book. However, it is a somewhat chaotic and chatty introduction to Bowen Theory. It was too autobiographical to be taken seriously as an academic text. It is, as its subtitle says, a self-help book. And self-help books are necessarily so basic that they are usually of no real value. You can find a more comprehensive explanation of the family systems introduced in this book.

[Steven · Rating 3 out of 5]

Over all a good book, but (disclosure: I am NOT an expert) from my perspective this book was very "black and white" - very rigid. It seems to suggest that traits are generally influenced by family of origin, i.e. birth order and relational patterns within families. This quick work would benefit from a disclaimer like: This book does not explain or predict all traits/behaviors! Just because you were a male only child, you are not doomed to a life of misery and pain.” … or something like that.

[Sinisterdaisy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book for school, and while there are some very helpful ideas in this book about family of origin therapy, many of the statements throughout are jarring. It feels out of date, as birth order theory has been debunked in a recent study and the "tar baby" analogy fits more with the time when Disney thought making "Song of the South" was a good idea than 2016. The many stereotypes presented in the book overpowered some of the more helpful ideas, making this book a bit of a disappointing read.

[Robyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brief and very easy to read introduction to principles of Family Systems Therapy. It's even written in the style of a self help book so not only is it informative, but practical as well (in terms of understanding yourself and your own family). If you don't know anything about family systems I promise you will obtain incredibly powerful insights from this book. Not only that, but you will see people, their problems, and their proclivities in a helpful new light.

[Lesli · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book easily brings out just how screwed up your family is. It doesn't matter who you are, this book is talking about you. The challenge questions after the chapters force you to look further into your own family ties to assess your level of damage. It's awesome and horrific at the same time. Read it!

[Ashlee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just read this book for my Family Systems class, and had to critique the book. It was very informative and some parts are enjoyable. The Author knew how to bring about the topic, express himself, give helpful insight into discovering our family history, and used good examples. Overall, this was a good read.

[Patricia Lott · Rating 4 out of 5]

I reviewed it as a possible text for a class I am about to teach. I liked it. It stopped me reading a book I was really into for a moment but such is the life of a professor :-) good read. I'm thinking of adopting it but I have 2 more to go through before I make that decision. But, between you and me... this one has already won

[Christine · Rating 1 out of 5]

Forced to read this book for CPE. I learned about myself, from page 80 on the youngest sister of brothers, "men are easily tempted by her good looks and compatibility. They tend to flock around her. She, in turn, is often very fond of men."

[D'Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book of exercises and descriptive chapters that helps people work through the difficulties of their families of origin. I have read it once and am reading it and doing the exercises again.

[Aimee · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reading for my retreat for school.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was pretty much just a review of my Master's Degree (hahaha), but a great simple tool for therapists who would like to explore family of origin stuff as a therapeutic intervention.

[Aaron K · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some interesting information on family dynamics. The process it lays out is daunting.

[Brooke Ward · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good read

I've enjoyed reading this book and it has given me some helpful resources to move forward and do the work I need,to do

[Taheeya Badat · Rating 5 out of 5]

The books was a very great book. I myself learned a lot about children order and how it affects their relationships with others.