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The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
Learn how to detect the subtle "put-downs", insults and other verbal blows that almost everyone uses—parents and children, husbands and wives, teachers and students, and friends and lovers.
Most of us are under verbal attack everyday and often don't even realize it. In The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense you'll learn the skills you need to respond to all types of verbal attack. Specific strategies fro your defense include:
* Twelve rules of clear, effective interaction
* Recognition of five verbal modes--the Placator, Blamer, Distractor, Computer, and Leveler
* Tone of voice--make yours bolder and more assertive
* Alternative scripts--better approaches to common confrontation
* Body language--how it supports what you say
* and in special chapters directed to both men and women, the author explains how women have long been the verbal victims of men and what both sexes can do to break this destructive pattern
With numerous examples of verbal confrontations and a journal to help you keep track of your progress, The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense will give you the perception you need to deal confidently in any interaction.
Most of us are under verbal attack everyday and often don't even realize it. In The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense you'll learn the skills you need to respond to all types of verbal attack. Specific strategies fro your defense include:
* Twelve rules of clear, effective interaction
* Recognition of five verbal modes--the Placator, Blamer, Distractor, Computer, and Leveler
* Tone of voice--make yours bolder and more assertive
* Alternative scripts--better approaches to common confrontation
* Body language--how it supports what you say
* and in special chapters directed to both men and women, the author explains how women have long been the verbal victims of men and what both sexes can do to break this destructive pattern
With numerous examples of verbal confrontations and a journal to help you keep track of your progress, The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense will give you the perception you need to deal confidently in any interaction.
311 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1980
76 people are currently reading
5373 people want to read
About the author
Suzette Haden Elgin
96 books183 followersSuzette Haden Elgin was an American science fiction author. She founded the Science Fiction Poetry Association, and is considered an important figure in the field of science fiction constructed languages. Elgin was also a linguist; she published non-fiction, of which the best-known is the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense series.
Born in 1936 in Missouri, Elgin attended the University of California, San Diego (UCSD) in the 1960s, and began writing science fiction in order to pay tuition. She has a Ph.D. in linguistics, and was the first UCSD student to ever write two dissertations (on English and Navajo). She created the engineered language Láadan for her Native Tongue science fiction series. A grammar and dictionary was published in 1985. She is a supporter of feminist science fiction, saying "women need to realize that SF is the only genre of literature in which it's possible for a writer to explore the question of what this world would be like if you could get rid of [X], where [X] is filled in with any of the multitude of real world facts that constrain and oppress women. Women need to treasure and support science fiction." [1]
In addition, she published works of shorter fiction. Overlying themes in her work include feminism, linguistics and the impact of language, and peaceful coexistence with nature. Many of her works also draw from her Ozark background and heritage.
Elgin became a professor at her alma mater's cross-town rival, San Diego State University (SDSU). She retired in 1980.
Born in 1936 in Missouri, Elgin attended the University of California, San Diego (UCSD) in the 1960s, and began writing science fiction in order to pay tuition. She has a Ph.D. in linguistics, and was the first UCSD student to ever write two dissertations (on English and Navajo). She created the engineered language Láadan for her Native Tongue science fiction series. A grammar and dictionary was published in 1985. She is a supporter of feminist science fiction, saying "women need to realize that SF is the only genre of literature in which it's possible for a writer to explore the question of what this world would be like if you could get rid of [X], where [X] is filled in with any of the multitude of real world facts that constrain and oppress women. Women need to treasure and support science fiction." [1]
In addition, she published works of shorter fiction. Overlying themes in her work include feminism, linguistics and the impact of language, and peaceful coexistence with nature. Many of her works also draw from her Ozark background and heritage.
Elgin became a professor at her alma mater's cross-town rival, San Diego State University (SDSU). She retired in 1980.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 91 reviews
January 28, 2010
Doesn't work well when dealing with drunk people.
November 24, 2009
This is one of the most profoundly helpful books that I've ever read.
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense analyzes verbal attack patterns in English including paralinguistic and non-verbal aspects and provides ways in which they can be dealt with... gently. This isn't a handbook in how to overpower the verbally abusive, a practice which is undesirable in any event and can be harmful or even dangerous. It is a guide to misdirecting verbal attacks and resolving such situations.
This book can't help but being useful to anyone who is or even has been victim of such tactics. It helps to understand what has happened and how to protect yourself. I also think this book is useful for everyone else. I think it can help others in the way that it helped me.
While I didn't have an issue with being subject to verbal abuse, I was startled to learn as I read this book that I was guilty of using some of the verbal attack patterns the book described. Reading this book enabled me to learn to be gentler myself, to play fair in arguments, and not put people I love in an impossible situation of having to defend themselves from me in the event that I'm hurt or angry.
We live in a culture where we're encouraged to behave in some rather nasty ways. This is how our TV heroes behave. We equate this sort of verbal overpowering with strength, particularly in men. This book is an excellent eye-opener giving you the opportunity to identify, consider and evaluating what you may be doing... as well as providing means of coping when you're exposed to it in others.
Most highly recommended!
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense analyzes verbal attack patterns in English including paralinguistic and non-verbal aspects and provides ways in which they can be dealt with... gently. This isn't a handbook in how to overpower the verbally abusive, a practice which is undesirable in any event and can be harmful or even dangerous. It is a guide to misdirecting verbal attacks and resolving such situations.
This book can't help but being useful to anyone who is or even has been victim of such tactics. It helps to understand what has happened and how to protect yourself. I also think this book is useful for everyone else. I think it can help others in the way that it helped me.
While I didn't have an issue with being subject to verbal abuse, I was startled to learn as I read this book that I was guilty of using some of the verbal attack patterns the book described. Reading this book enabled me to learn to be gentler myself, to play fair in arguments, and not put people I love in an impossible situation of having to defend themselves from me in the event that I'm hurt or angry.
We live in a culture where we're encouraged to behave in some rather nasty ways. This is how our TV heroes behave. We equate this sort of verbal overpowering with strength, particularly in men. This book is an excellent eye-opener giving you the opportunity to identify, consider and evaluating what you may be doing... as well as providing means of coping when you're exposed to it in others.
Most highly recommended!
June 2, 2010
"If you REALLY loved me, you would read my review!"
The The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defence (GAOVSD) is more easy to read than the more recent (GAOVSD at work) opus. I should have begun by that one.
The octagon concept make very easy to understand the various verbal attack patterns. Some of them are very subtle, apparently caring ("Dear, everyone in this office know why you are so incompetent/emotive/...", pattern E), leaving the person confuse and angry. Despite the popular saying that words don't hurt, verbal attacks can pile up on someone and make his-her life miserable.
The opening sentence is an example of A, the first of eight patterns. Suzette helps to recognise it, then to respond to it, not by hurting back the other (who may be a close relation or a boss) but by defusing it. The "If you really love me you would X", it is the first part that must be addressed, in a detached way.
This is a work I would recommend to everyone, because not only do we discover agressive patterns in other's speech, but in our speech, too. (I am certain I did use the "If you really loved me..." routine in the past.) So we can root our our verbal weeds and make for a better atmosphere at work and in the family.
The only defect of the book is that the edition date from 1980, before computer and Internet invaded our lives. Try the 2000 edition, which includes email offences as well.
The The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defence (GAOVSD) is more easy to read than the more recent (GAOVSD at work) opus. I should have begun by that one.
The octagon concept make very easy to understand the various verbal attack patterns. Some of them are very subtle, apparently caring ("Dear, everyone in this office know why you are so incompetent/emotive/...", pattern E), leaving the person confuse and angry. Despite the popular saying that words don't hurt, verbal attacks can pile up on someone and make his-her life miserable.
The opening sentence is an example of A, the first of eight patterns. Suzette helps to recognise it, then to respond to it, not by hurting back the other (who may be a close relation or a boss) but by defusing it. The "If you really love me you would X", it is the first part that must be addressed, in a detached way.
This is a work I would recommend to everyone, because not only do we discover agressive patterns in other's speech, but in our speech, too. (I am certain I did use the "If you really loved me..." routine in the past.) So we can root our our verbal weeds and make for a better atmosphere at work and in the family.
The only defect of the book is that the edition date from 1980, before computer and Internet invaded our lives. Try the 2000 edition, which includes email offences as well.
March 31, 2008
I should reread this. It helps you respond to the kinds subtle verbal manipulation that make us all crazy. My mom got it for me when I was like 11. It unfortunately does not have very good comebacks for "You're gay, gaywad!"
April 29, 2013
A thinly-veiled work of misandry that promotes passive-aggressive responses to passive-aggressive approaches.
The author's contempt for men aside, The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense is not about gently defending verbal attacks - it is about offensively 'countering' someone so you end up 'winning' the battle. I tried reading through a hundred pages but found myself shaking my head at all the responses Elgin formulated.
These are all fine and dandy in theory, but in the real world these types of responses set you up for a long-term feud with people. You win the verbal arguments now, but the counters that Elgin recommends will only plant the seeds of enmity between you and the passive-aggressor attacking you with words.
The result: escalating exchanges of passive-aggressive attacks that will only end when something drastic and irreversible happens - especially since passive-aggressive people prefer to stab you in the back than confront you out in the open.
tl;dr
Too much one-upsmanship and a narrow-minded approach to verbal exchanges. The book will help you recognize verbal attacks but the responses the author recommends will only get you in more trouble later down the road.
The author's contempt for men aside, The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense is not about gently defending verbal attacks - it is about offensively 'countering' someone so you end up 'winning' the battle. I tried reading through a hundred pages but found myself shaking my head at all the responses Elgin formulated.
These are all fine and dandy in theory, but in the real world these types of responses set you up for a long-term feud with people. You win the verbal arguments now, but the counters that Elgin recommends will only plant the seeds of enmity between you and the passive-aggressor attacking you with words.
The result: escalating exchanges of passive-aggressive attacks that will only end when something drastic and irreversible happens - especially since passive-aggressive people prefer to stab you in the back than confront you out in the open.
tl;dr
Too much one-upsmanship and a narrow-minded approach to verbal exchanges. The book will help you recognize verbal attacks but the responses the author recommends will only get you in more trouble later down the road.
August 27, 2012
Ever had a difficult co-worker who turned every conversation into a verbal sparring match? Or, what about a family member who always seems to put you on the defensive? If you've ever walked away from a conversation feeling like you just didn't know how to handle what you just encountered, this book is for you.
Though written more than 30 years ago (and containing a few antiquated notions), this book is nonetheless relevant for today's business world and cultural milieu. Broken down into manageable sections, and even containing amble space to write out your responses to the example prompts, this book will give you more than enough opportunities to learn how to defend yourself in the verbal arena. A simplistic example: When someone comes at you with an accusation, you can respond in computer mode by saying, "It's so interesting that you say that. I think a lot of ____ feel that way about _____..." Ideally, this guards you from further attack and can even keep you from taking things personally. In general, this book will teach you how to deal with different kinds of people, but more importantly, it will help you learn how to defend against various kinds of verbal behavior patterns, using the Satir modes: the placater, the blamer, the computer, the distractor, the leveler (phony and real) (see here for more info on that http://ladyfribble.tripod.com/verbal/... - also in the book).
As a sensitive individual, I found the wisdom imparted in this book to be a useful summary of what friends and family have been trying to tell me for years: don't let others rile you with their words / be strong / defend yourself, but don't be a bully, etc. I hope to put it into practice soon, and I hope you will too!
Though written more than 30 years ago (and containing a few antiquated notions), this book is nonetheless relevant for today's business world and cultural milieu. Broken down into manageable sections, and even containing amble space to write out your responses to the example prompts, this book will give you more than enough opportunities to learn how to defend yourself in the verbal arena. A simplistic example: When someone comes at you with an accusation, you can respond in computer mode by saying, "It's so interesting that you say that. I think a lot of ____ feel that way about _____..." Ideally, this guards you from further attack and can even keep you from taking things personally. In general, this book will teach you how to deal with different kinds of people, but more importantly, it will help you learn how to defend against various kinds of verbal behavior patterns, using the Satir modes: the placater, the blamer, the computer, the distractor, the leveler (phony and real) (see here for more info on that http://ladyfribble.tripod.com/verbal/... - also in the book).
As a sensitive individual, I found the wisdom imparted in this book to be a useful summary of what friends and family have been trying to tell me for years: don't let others rile you with their words / be strong / defend yourself, but don't be a bully, etc. I hope to put it into practice soon, and I hope you will too!
June 23, 2008
Ok, this book hasn't aged entirely gracefully. Some of the "patterns of verbal attack" here seem much more blatant and much less subtle than what I, at least, encounter in situations of conflict. And some of the defense patterns seem overly clever and more likely to trigger further conflict than to defuse it. Nonetheless, it provides some useful categories to analyze common strategies of verbal aggression. I also thought the section on "charisma" and how to speak compellingly was an excellent short treatment of the topic.
May 17, 2009
Very useful for communications with a verbal abuser.
Read
April 27, 2019I gave up after about 20 pages because I realized:
a) None of this would have worked on my psychotic ex
b) I couldn't wait for this book to be done.
Now, granted, most people reading this are not worried about how to deal with psychopaths but with everyday people with garden-variety type mental problems. However, this is not me. I want to know how to deal with psychopaths. If there is a psychopath edition of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence then I'll check it out more than 20 pages. But until then, no stars for this book.
a) None of this would have worked on my psychotic ex
b) I couldn't wait for this book to be done.
Now, granted, most people reading this are not worried about how to deal with psychopaths but with everyday people with garden-variety type mental problems. However, this is not me. I want to know how to deal with psychopaths. If there is a psychopath edition of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence then I'll check it out more than 20 pages. But until then, no stars for this book.
September 10, 2008
Skimmed a fair amount of it, but I like it. Decent analysis of communication tactics, verbal bullying, and some discussion of nonverbal communication.
Plus, it has the word "gentle" in the title!
Plus, it has the word "gentle" in the title!
July 28, 2011
I first read this book in 1984 during a particular tumultuous time in my life. My Javanese cultural upbringing restrained me from active conflict, so I often allowed myself to be bullied verbally. I found identifying the different modes of communications useful. I've recently (2008) rediscovered this book and wished I'd had it at hand (or internalized more fully its precepts).
October 15, 2018
The different categories of how individuals respond in conflict was interesting, but only a small section of the book. The rest of the language felt outdated and I did not find the content useful in today's perspective.
January 31, 2025
While there was some great content in here, it was mainly outdated to effectively work in conflict today. I would’ve given it a lower rating if it weren’t for the chapter specifically for women. Wonderful & applicable content in that chapter & truly exposes what’s instilled in women from a young age.
June 15, 2017
Right now, I wish there had been some outlines or summaries at the end of the book to be able to go back to it and review these 8 specific 'verbal attacks', in time. I'll have to make them myself to help retaining and recognizing. I sound lazy of course, but after getting through the other half of the book, about body language and all, I just want to put this book away for a while. Not that after finishing the 'attacks' the book ceases to be useful/interesting, the concepts of computer-mode body language, of handling guilt, and even the ever present theme of women in the workplace and interrupting, were appreciated, just the style becomes more, prosaic? And it goes beyond what's in the title, so 60% in I already started to feel like the verbal defense part of the book was slipping away.
The chapter about navigating interactions as a student was nice, wish I read it years ago.
December 7, 2013
So I finally got around to reading this book, and it's no better than her work one. As yes, the academic ability to repackage the same material without adding anything to it.
I'm not entirely sure these strategies work, since most of the responses seem to be relatively passive aggressive. And she's so incredibly sexist, though I can't figure out if that's a generational thing. Sorry, I'm too annoyed to do a proper review.
I'm not entirely sure these strategies work, since most of the responses seem to be relatively passive aggressive. And she's so incredibly sexist, though I can't figure out if that's a generational thing. Sorry, I'm too annoyed to do a proper review.
September 6, 2010
Elgin is one of my favorite authors -- except for this book and its siblings. What she's saying is great. I just can't stand workbooks. I want to study a subject my own way.
May 18, 2015
This is a great book, but it's a little outdated.
June 29, 2018
Psycho/neuro-linguistic/self-helpy kind of mix.
Core concept of the book is: communication is a feedback loop. If you want to feel good, you treat others well, it will reflect back onto you. Most of the book then gives specific advice on how EXACTLY to communicate in a respecting, constructive and "feel-goody" way: applying "Miller's Law", "syntonic listening", using factives, how to give compliments (and feedback), how to construct metaphors...
There was a lot of space in the book dedicated to mostly "ad hominem" communication, which seemed redundant. I'm also not sure about the "dream mapping" stuff. This book IS pretty old, but has interesting insights on how linguistics affects behavior.
Core concept of the book is: communication is a feedback loop. If you want to feel good, you treat others well, it will reflect back onto you. Most of the book then gives specific advice on how EXACTLY to communicate in a respecting, constructive and "feel-goody" way: applying "Miller's Law", "syntonic listening", using factives, how to give compliments (and feedback), how to construct metaphors...
There was a lot of space in the book dedicated to mostly "ad hominem" communication, which seemed redundant. I'm also not sure about the "dream mapping" stuff. This book IS pretty old, but has interesting insights on how linguistics affects behavior.
September 17, 2018
Interesting read! There’s some practical techniques one can use in ‘verbal self defence’ that I never thought about in that way before (even though I might have already been doing unconsciously!).
In particular I found the underlying psychological rationale for why some people respond the way they do really interesting (ie. identifying the underlying presuppositions, their choice of words, the stress that’s placed, remaining silent vs reacting, etc.)
However I did find some of the perceptions a little outdated (generalizations of women ideals, author was very black and white with some topics on human psychology).
Although there’s some solid strategies and lessons in psycholinguistics keep in mind this book is from the 70s!
In particular I found the underlying psychological rationale for why some people respond the way they do really interesting (ie. identifying the underlying presuppositions, their choice of words, the stress that’s placed, remaining silent vs reacting, etc.)
However I did find some of the perceptions a little outdated (generalizations of women ideals, author was very black and white with some topics on human psychology).
Although there’s some solid strategies and lessons in psycholinguistics keep in mind this book is from the 70s!
May 25, 2021
I got through this book slowly over a few weeks as a sort of "I'm waiting on my tea to boil" kind of read. At the time of publishing (1980) this book referred to current science and concepts, and cultural norms, which aren't particularly relevant to the world of today. Additionally, I think this book really just explains what is innately known to many of us instinctively (e.g. the Satir modes). While useful to those who may not consciously understand the instinctive cues (such as responding in a computer Satir mode to someone throwing verbal-punches), I think most people wouldn't learn much from reading this.
July 29, 2021
Without saying the word lying this is a great book on being able to amp up your lying skills or detecting that and others. But written by a psychiatrist who is not with us any longer unfortunately. She seemed like a very powerful woman that backs up other women without leaving men out. She also was very articulate and I liked how she went into different kinds of examples to make sure her readers were following but it wasn't boring by any means. If it got too jargon in certain areas which wasn't many I just looked past those short little informative parts that some people are looking for to back up the data.
August 15, 2022
This should be required reading for high schoolers lor couple engaged to be married...it's not just about verbal self-defense. The book contains solid advice about how to listen with obvious tells on when you're not. It looks about the four main styles of communicators; blamers, placators, computer mode and distractors and how to react to each.
Elgin explains what the best tactic to take when someone has a temper tantrum, how to respond to someone's sensory modes: seeing, hearing feeling and how to frame a conflict into a non-attacking three part message. This is important information for everyone to digest. The world would be so much more peaceful if everyone was this aware.
Elgin explains what the best tactic to take when someone has a temper tantrum, how to respond to someone's sensory modes: seeing, hearing feeling and how to frame a conflict into a non-attacking three part message. This is important information for everyone to digest. The world would be so much more peaceful if everyone was this aware.
September 9, 2024
در دنیایی که واژه ها سلاح هستند، هنر ظریف دفاع شخصی کلامی راهنمایی ضروری برای تسلط بر هنر ارتباط و محافظت از خود در برابر درگیری های کلامی است. ارتباطات، بخشی مهم از زندگی روزمره ما هستند، با این حال اغلب در مواجهه با پرخاشگری کلامی، نمی دانیم چگونه واکنش نشان دهیم. در این کتاب، ابزارها و راهبردهایی معرفی و شرح داده شده که به شما کمک می کند در موقعیت های پرتنش، احترام خود را حفظ کنید و پیروز میدان درگیری های کلامی باشید.
با مطالعه کتاب هنر ظریف دفاع شخصی کلامی، میدان های نبرد کلامی را به پلی به سوی تفاهم و همکاری تبدیل خواهید کرد.
این بخش از کتاب از سایت کتاب ۳۰بوک برداشته شده است.
https://www.30book.com/book/156458/کت...
با مطالعه کتاب هنر ظریف دفاع شخصی کلامی، میدان های نبرد کلامی را به پلی به سوی تفاهم و همکاری تبدیل خواهید کرد.
این بخش از کتاب از سایت کتاب ۳۰بوک برداشته شده است.
https://www.30book.com/book/156458/کت...
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 22, 2020
This was a grind to read. The most wheedling, whiny, aghhhh accusations and spiked questions... and how to respond.
Moral: General education in rhetoric has disappeared. Everything old is new again. People go for the bait rather than attacking the presupositions in a sugar-coated accusation. You're a sucker and you can do better.
Having read this, I'm interested to explore some proper rhetoric texts, not just rebranded pop psych.
Moral: General education in rhetoric has disappeared. Everything old is new again. People go for the bait rather than attacking the presupositions in a sugar-coated accusation. You're a sucker and you can do better.
Having read this, I'm interested to explore some proper rhetoric texts, not just rebranded pop psych.
May 25, 2023
This book has a direct approach to verbal attacks that can be appreciated, but it's definitely outdated. It talks about "normal" phraseology and common attacks that don't sound familiar to me. I think there's value though. Particularly in regards to the concept of "presuppositions" which are all the things that go implied in someone's vague statement, and the bait is to respond defensively to the wrong implication.
June 4, 2025
A nice manual for dealing with passive-aggressive Southern Baptists.
In the early 80s, men apparently received more training in verbal kung-fu than women, but I'd say in our time, the women have definitely gained the upper hand in this arena. Either way, I'm glad the author took the time to write these things down.
The Octagon® needs updating for modern-day moves, though. "I always thought..." "If I were you, I'd..." "Don't you feel bad about..." should occupy a lot, don't you think?
In the early 80s, men apparently received more training in verbal kung-fu than women, but I'd say in our time, the women have definitely gained the upper hand in this arena. Either way, I'm glad the author took the time to write these things down.
The Octagon® needs updating for modern-day moves, though. "I always thought..." "If I were you, I'd..." "Don't you feel bad about..." should occupy a lot, don't you think?
August 16, 2018
These days the book would be called "Recognizing and combating microaggressions and verbal abuse" and it might be a bestseller. While some of the dialogues and terminology is dated, I found it tremendously helpful. If you are a woman...or a person of color...or anybody who feels sometimes attacked by those around you...read this.
August 12, 2020
I bought this book years ago and I don't think I ever finished it. Now that I did finally read through the whole book, I didn't really get a lot out of it. Sorry it's just not for me. I did toastmasters for awhile and got more out of doing public speaking from that than from this book. The beginning was kind of interesting but was hard for me to finish it.
January 12, 2021
I bought this book a long time ago and I wish I had gotten around to reading it sooner. Very valuable information and technique on how to defend yourself in what can be a brutal verbal world. If we all followed these suggestions we would have a much more civil society and much less verbal abuse. I intend to keep it handy for reference.
October 23, 2017
A bit difficult to follow and read, requiring review and thinking over points. Other than that, this book has great concepts. It spells out the sentence structure of verbal abuse, in order to recognize the abuse. This book gives good tools for that recognition.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 91 reviews