Trans/Love: Radical Sex, Love & Relationships Beyond the Gender Binary

by Morty Diamond (Editor), Julia Serano (Contributor), Shawna Virago (Contributor)

"This is where sex and gender collide, then ricochet like fragments of heart rending shrapnel. Rarely has a book about lust been full of so much love, conflict, and intelligence. If you think you already know what's in these stories, or you think you don't need to know, you're wrong."—Patrick Califa, author of Sex The Politics of Transgenderism

Exploring the crossroads of gender and sexuality, Trans/ Radical Sex, Love & Relationships Beyond the Gender Binary offers unusually engaging narratives that create a raw and honest depiction of dating, sex, love, and relationships among members of the gender variant community. FTM, MTF, thirdgender, genderqueer, and other non-traditional identities beyond the gender binary of traditional male and female are included in this often heartwarming, occasionally heartbreaking, always heartfelt groundbreaking anthology. From monogamous love and marriage to anonymous sex and one-night hook-ups (and everything in between), these stories offer readers insight into the precarious emotional and practical mechanics of intimacy among gender-variant experiences.

Features contributions from award-winning authors including Julia Serano, Sassafras Lowery, and Max Valerio, alongside outstanding new writing by Tribe 8 guitarist and acclaimed film director Silas Howard, activist Joelle Ruby Ryan, filmmaker Ashley Altadonna, SisterSpit alum Cooper Lee Bombardier, and many other unique and talented voices.

Morty Diamond is the editor of the critically-acclaimed anthology From the Inside Radical Gender Transformation, FTM and Beyond. His performance work includes My Year In Pink and Ask A Tranny, a public performance piece on acceptance of and education about the trans experience.

Genres: Queer, Transgender, Nonfiction, Gender, LGBT, Sexuality, Feminism

201 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 13, 2011

About the author

"Morty Diamond is a Jewish transsexual writer/ artist/ filmmaker currently living and working in Los Angeles. Morty has edited two anthologies showcasing the trans experience from the perspective of transgender writers: From the Inside Out (Manic D Press) and the forthcoming Gendered Hearts (Alyson Press). Diamond also uses performance art to make gender and trans bodies visible in public spaces. Past pieces include "My Year In Pink," in which he wore head to toe pink everyday for a full year and "Ask A Tranny," where he allowed strangers to ask him questions about transsexuality while sitting at a booth set up in Time Square. He recently performed "Tranny Ramble Tamble" at PS1 in NYC. Perhaps his best known work is the film he produced and directed, Trans Entities. This eye-opening erotic documentary follows a real life trans couple as they explore the intersection between their gender and sexuality. Morty is currently working with trans artist Cooper Lee Bombardier on publishing the first literary and arts magazine focused on the transgender and transsexual community.

Reviews

[Sarah Cavar · Rating 4 out of 5]

By no means is this a perfect or "unproblematic" collection, and sections are certainly dated/somewhat-cringy. That said, I'm genuinely impressed as to the variety of perspectives, embodiments, and approaches represented in here, and would recommend this text to anyone interested in the rich tapestry of trans(/)sexual experiences within our community. I was especially impressed by the way that essay authors addressed major intracommunity sources of tension and pain with openness, good faith, and compassion.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was amazing. Often times books about genderqueer and transgender people focus on the negative things associated with being this type of different (as viewed by mainstream socitey) and/or on the process of transitioning itself. I really appreciated this book because it approached the subject in a completely different way. Among other things, this book really made me aware of how much we as a society gender sexual encounters, and how limiting that is. As a whole it was a joy to read, and each story was beautiful written.

[Grace · Rating 2 out of 5]

i'm not sure why but i wasn't really into this one. i was pretty surprised to find out it was written in 2011; i would have guessed the 90s. it just seemed like this was all stuff i'd already heard before and there wasn't really much contextualization beyond the stories the authors told. the terminology also seemed a bit outdated for 2011 in places.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautiful book with a really great selection of essays that don't pretend life is all sunshine and roses but also isn't filled with tales of romantic despair.

[Lyra Montoya · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was hoping it would be a fun and easy read after finishing a particularly demanding book but I found myself particularly unmoved and unable to connect with this collection of accounts. The collection was published in 2011, and some of the accounts feel dates, but even so I found it rather foreign despite the supposed affinity I would find in the experience of other trans people. Many of the contributing authors I sincerely hope are in better places now than at the time of writing their addition to this collection, as their relationships with themselves and their lovers certainly didn't inspire confidence. Some accounts I found particularly annoying, but the one that I found saddest was where the entirety of the account from a trans woman about her experiences with love and intimacy centered around her cis male partner and how he generates the world for her. Romantic in a sense, but rather than a completion with the partner, it read as an existence through the partner.

The implicit/ expected/ anticipated reader changes dramatically across each account, some reading more as a diary entry for the author as the reflective audience (some in a rather self aggrandizing manner), while others attempt to gently accomadate an inexperienced/unexposed/ unknowing/unfamiliar audience.

The (non)presence of race and its discussion and appearance was particularly conspicuous. The most absurd to me was when one of the authors mentions how they now recognize the struggles Muslims face in the united states in a way they don't (please elaborate more?), and then proceeded to quote Audrey Lorde in a reflexive self description, with a particularly noticeable vacancy in the parallel structure in Audrey Lorde's mention of being black. Essentially, the white authors consistently annul aspects of race in their discussion of the frustrations they face. Perhaps this is unfair on my part but I don't find much affinity with a lot of the white trannies.

I wanted to like this book but ended up having a lot of trouble reading it and also had a lot of trouble relating to the contributing authors. Perhaps I'm being unfair to them looking back from 2024 when they wrote this prior to 2011 about events that happened even before then. I am glad that morty diamond undertook this project even if it didn't resonate much with me. I appreciate the sentimentality on his part in organizing and collecting these writings that are from other independent contributors that write about and focus on what is compelling to them specifically.

I suppose it was interesting to read nonetheless. Reading these accounts did reinforce what I somewhat already knew in that a mere shared characteristic of transness doesn't make community or closeness, but it was somewhat shocking to see how little I have in common with many of these authors. Many of them also need therapy. I hope that's gender affirming for the trans men authors because a lot of them certainly do need it. I don't particularly believe in the efficacy of therapy and mental health systems but there's something about the brevity of saying the authors need therapy.

[Russell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Trans/Love reminds us that subjective experience of the world isn't a universal constant. There are enough other people out there, who are all trying their best to get through the world in the best way they can. Your current feelings about your life and body aren't the be all end all. They're a middle point on a lifelong journey for self-actualization. Gender (much like meaning) is a jumper you have to knit yourself.

"Bodies always have little surprises. Perhaps it gets easier as you get older. What was once considered imperfections is now simply 'variety'"
-Jennie Kermode

[‎𐦂 𝐓𝐚𝐲𝐥𝐨𝐫 🜸 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every single essay in this book feels like a short-film the way they are so meticulously crafted and detailed. I loved some more than others, but I revisit this book almost monthly. This book feels like home, especially during my first read because I felt unloveable at the time for being Trans and Non-Binary, struggling to actually be loved and accepted for that in a relationship.

I’ve lent this book to a few of my trans friends and they said they felt just as safe as I did within the pages of this book. Can’t recommend it enough.

[Paige McLoughlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I only came out trans recently but it is opening a lot of things I scarcely speculated or considered. Not only am I hammering out new gender and Identity but also reconsidering my sexuality. So many ways of being in a relationship with others I had rarely thought about that I am now aware of as possibilities. When you change genders your sexual orientation becomes open to new areas never dreamt. This book explores some of this territory.

[Tara Brabazon · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a strong collection of essays that probe how individual writers negotiate desire, sex and relationships. While it lack historiography and theoretical engagement, the first person narratives presented in this book are evocative and carefully crafted.

I particularly recommend "Believing is seeing" by Silas Howard, "Made Real" by Sassafras Lowrey and "ReSexing Trans" by Kai Kohlsdorf. All three probe the structures and limitations of sexual experiences.

[estlin. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the variety of perspectives offered in this book. I love that anthologies enable the ability to gather so many different points of view. In terms of language and viewpoints, this book has become somewhat dated (although some of the language used is even dated for when it was published), but I think it's somewhat important to respect and preserve the problematic aspects of this writing. Trans people are not perfect, like all people, they will always be problematic in some way. Having a reminder of that is somewhat useful?

I will say that not all of the writing in here was particularly Great or Profound, but again, I appreciate a window into other people's worlds. I'm not sure I would say this book provided a lot of insight about sex and intimacy, but it did provide me insight as to how other people live their lives.

I'm not sure I appreciated that some of the stories were even included because I'm not sure everything we write deserves to be treated equally (not just in terms of quality of writing, I'm talking about content here). It's frustrating to see things presented without critique, as if people's lived experiences are above reproach and exist in some kind of oppression-free vacuum. Even the ones who self-critiqued seemed to be doing it in a very performative way.

I have no idea where I'm going with all of this because honestly some of the beginning parts were read too long ago to be remembered super clearly, but. I think overall I would recommend other trans people read this, but I'm not sure I'd recommend it to cis people as a thing to read to understand The Trans Experience™ any better.

[Milo · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up - not much to say. Some essays were good, some were... less than. A few were memorable.

[Christian Mairena-Perez · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. As a part of the lgbtq+ community, it’s fascinating to hear the diversity of experiences from the trans community.

The book was both serious and humorous.

[Squirrel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Biggest note for potential readers: contains the trans t-slur
This collection feels dated and it's only from 8 years ago. The language used by the contributors is considered tacky and passé now: natal, genetic girl, female-bodied. It's a graveyard of dead terms, retired to be replaced by more neutral terms like cis.
This collection is like a who's who of trans life at the time, especially trans life in Brooklyn, in San Francisco, and other big cities.
Buried under that are so many different stories, takes, experiences on being loved, accepted, alienated, frustrated, exploited. The best stories are about creating connections and family, especially with one another. Many others are examples of how trans people are the foil, the mirror, the catalyst that disrupts stable cis identities. Especially around the intimate, the sexual, the way bodies tug us in ways we'd rather not go but are compelled to go anyway.
I'm not sure that I would recommend this to someone newly out as trans. I'm sure there are better works out there now. But to me it represents how completely far things have come, and how some things are still the same.

[Kat Heatherington · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book is 155 pages of awesome. it's first-person narratives by genderqueer & trans people, discussing love, relationships & sex. it's frank, funny, tender, vulnerable, tough, fierce, thought-provoking, heartbreaking, and heartwarming. there's a wide range of voices and writing styles. and enough raw human experience to keep you thinking and feeling long beyond turning the last page. an excellent collection.

[Ray Carroll · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although I loved hearing such unfiltered stories, the majority of the writing here felt underdeveloped, and a lot of the ideas about gender and transitioning were extremely gender essentialist. I have trouble saying that someone's own lived experience is "dated", but it is worth noting that, though published in 2011, a lot of these essays take place (and in some cases, I must assume, were written) in the 80's and 90's.

[Tanya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly thought-provoking. I appreciated the honesty of the authors and the many contrasting views and experiencing. Each has their own unique experience of being trans and what that means for their sexuality, community, labeling, and relationships.

[Ally · Rating 2 out of 5]

In many parts a slog, but fascinating as evidence of how much conversation within the trans community changed between its publication in 2011 and, say, 2016 - much more than it changed in the last half decade, I think. Can't recommend most of it if you're not reading it for the historical angle.

Individual essays that I can recommend:
* Silas Howard's "Believing is Seeing" has some beautiful thoughts and turns of phrase and makes me sad this movie didn't happen (though No Ordinary Man eventually did).
* Bryn Kelly's "Fifty Reasons I Love My Man" is adorable and one of the few pieces in the collection where I can imagine actually wanting to be in the relationship described.
* Aren Z Aizura's "On Not Fucking or Running in Huê" is the strongest writing in the collection and, for me, the only actually sexy writing about sex in the batch.

I didn't regret the time I spent with:
* Julia Serano's "Cherry Picking" was relatable, a straightforward somewhat academic document of the history of how sex and transness has interacted for her - the kind of experiences I've now heard from a zillion trans people, but the sort of piece that would have saved me a lot of confusion and pain if I'd encountered it in my late teens/early twenties.
* Patch Avery's "Milk, Please" was a cute snapshot of trans fatherhood.
* Phyllis Pseudonym's "City Hall" was a charming little anecdote of doing a thing despite getting stared at.
* Jakob Hero's "Out of the Darkness" was bleak and angsty but written well.
* Imani Henry's "B4T" felt like a realistic short slice-of-sex-life scene.
* Jennie Kermode's "Getting It Out In Public" isn't as strong as her other writing, but I appreciated the intersex representation.

Things I was struck by:
* All the transmasculine folks casually dropping t-and-f-slurs all over the place in this collection bordered on shocking. A lot of their appearances in trans masc mouths in this volume have a strong negative valence, I don't detect any of the insider affection that those words sometimes convey when reclaimed by transfeminine speakers, and the speakers seem to be totally unaware that they aren't subject to the same degree of violence associated with those words that trans women are.
* I'm sometimes blown away when I can see how much #metoo changed culture, including queer culture - there are a bunch of attitudes and behaviors on display here that no one would brag about today.
* The level of gender essentialism - even/especially from those contributors who have non-binary gender identities - and vanilla sexism is surprising - I can remember this repelling me from queer community in the late 90s / early-mid 00s but I realize I don't have a sense of what made this change between then and now.
* There are a bunch of exceptions, but the overall quality of the writing is impressively low. Like, I can go to any trans Reddit and find a bunch of more thoughtful posts than many of these essays. Even trans Twitter is more literate than the average here. Are we all trying harder to be more presentable and have more experience with explaining ourselves now? Was this collection just messily sourced?
* The dearth of trans community - and shared language and understanding - on display in the volume is so striking. Trans community was happening - did this collection miss people who were deeply involved in it? Why aren't there like four essays from Camp Trans? Where was online community, where were the pieces on relationships and the blog scene or IRC or MUDsex or something? A bunch of people must have met their hookups through organizing?
* Maybe because of the lack of community and conversation, a bunch of contributors seemed to think they were outsiders among outsiders having particularly strange trans experiences when their experiences were actually not that singular.
* Probably for the same reason, the level to which some writers take their experience as universal is totally goofy (Sassafras Lowrey's piece is particularly annoying in this respect, though I'm habituated to finding hir writing obnoxious).
* A couple of exceptions here as well, but in general there is so little political ambition on display here, either in defense of trans rights or their expansion. So unlike today, where the path from coming out to radicalization and increased political involvement is practically a cliche.

[jay · Rating 4 out of 5]

challenging funny hopeful informative inspiring reflective medium-paced
4.5

This book has been my lifeline for many a night where the loneliness of just existing is too much to bear. I'm well aware I'm not the only person in the world with feelings like this but when you're closeted and stuck in a place where merely changing your hair gives you vile reactions from strangers, it's hard not to spiral and succumb into their disgust.

I read each entry like a long email from an old friend: some waxing poetic and reflective about life, others straight forward to the nitty gritty. Sometimes it's a little TMI, but I have to remind myself that trans love (both romantic and sexual) have been censored enough.

I can't thank you enough for being part in the creation of this book. Thanks for being my mentors, even just for the span of a hundred or so pages.

[doms · Rating 5 out of 5]

love love love this book!! the stories included in this anthology are more than what they may seem to be: they are brief, yet necessary histories -- testimonials to the hidden, rarely discussed, beautiful, dirty, complex, raw, ans True lives of trans & gender non-conforming individuals.

as a transfeminine reader who grapples daily with my own relationship with sex, identity, gender, and all the bodies that come in contact with them (including mine), this book is both an eye-opener and a sigh of relief. i am comforted with the fact that i am not alone in my struggles and i am wide-eye at all the amazing possibilities that await.

applause applause applause. this book has inspired me to curate my own version of Filipino trans/love in the future <3

[Niamh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this anthology as a baby trans. I started to explore my gender identity during the depths of COVID, and the local trans support group was not really an option at the time. I was getting most of my trans interaction from some chat-groups, but these were often populated by young folk, early in their transition.

This book was the link to the trans community that I needed. It broke me out of the online bubble I was in. It made me laugh, it made me cry. It challenged me in all the best ways, but most importantly, it made me feel like even though I was trans, I could still be loved.

[Ezra]

Writing this only to shout out "Believing is Seeing" by Silas Howard, "Excerpt from the play B4T (before testosterone)" by Imani Henry, "Made Real" by Sassafras Lowrey, "ReSexing Trans" by Kai Kohlsdorf, and "On Not Fucking or Running in Huê" by Aren Z. Aizura, and "Fat, Trans and Single: Some Thoughts from an 'Othered' Body on Control, Alienation, and Liberation" by Joelle Ruby Ryan

[DW Rowlands · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a collection of short pieces by trans people about their love, sex, or relationship lives. Honestly, it wasn't that interesting or relevant to me, perhaps mostly because the authors' lives were far more "gritty" than my experiences or interests, although perhaps it makes me a bad trans person to not be very interested in this.

[Judy Alan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Das Buch ist schon älter und das zeigt sich in der verwendeten Sprache auf jeden Fall. In einigen der Kapitel sind diese Begriffe besonders biologistisch, was möglicherweise auch der Zeit geschuldet ist. Ich mag die unterschiedlichen Perspektiven und Geschichten sehr gern - manche natürlich lieber als andere.

[margaret · Rating 4 out of 5]

i love how unapologetic this book is. it doesn't always come across as the most classy depiction of trans life, trans love, and trans sex, but that isn't the point. it is sincere, honest, and revolutionary. i loved it, although i did cringe at some essays. transgender, genderqueer, and intersex people (and anyone in between) have long needed a voice, and this gives us a small one. now to amplify.

[Chris SM · Rating 4 out of 5]

I took a lot away from this collection of touching stories. There were a number that felt extremely dated, and others that were as relevant as they were when this was published in 2011 (with contributors writing about their childhoods in the late 80s and 90s). I appreciated the breadth of experiences included, and was reminded just how diverse gender queer folx really are - it's not everyday that you get to read about them all side by side.

[Jasmine C · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit different from what I was expecting - definitely enjoyable in its own right. Some slightly dated terms, which I'm assuming is testimony to how much preferred language has changed since 2018. A very raw snapshot of the queer 90s and 2010s.

[Kerry Whitbread · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful. Funny. Emotional. Eye-opening

Thank you to the authors for sharing their stories.



“Unfortunately, there was no story of any Sleeping Beauty who, when woken by her Prince Charming's kiss must conceal a raging case of morning wood.”

Sleeping Fruity
Timea Quon

[Emrys Donaldson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely adored this book of first-person essays (and one the author calls fiction) about trans relationships. By and large the essays were awesome, though a few ended really abruptly.

[Madi · Rating 4 out of 5]

"From birth, we are taught the importance of 'being yourself' and taking ownership of your life. [But] when some of us take that ownership, society shits all over us."

[Zemora · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really really wanted to like this book but I was disappointed. There were a few gems though.