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Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Help Your Children Gain Control of Their Lives
What the award-winning Boundaries has done for adult relationships, Boundaries with Kids will do for you and your children Here is the help you need for raising your kids to take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend take you through the ins and outs of instilling the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives. Learn how to * set limits and still be a loving parent * bring control to an out-of-control family life * apply the ten laws of boundaries to parenting * define appropriate boundaries and consequences for your kids ... and much more. 'Boundaries with Kids helps us give our kids the skills they need to live realistic and full lives in meaningful relationships. Not perfect---but healthy!' ---Elisa Morgan, president of MOPS International, Inc.
224 pages, Paperback
First published April 1, 1998
1676 people are currently reading
7577 people want to read
About the author
Henry Cloud
211 books2,175 followersDr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 461 reviews
February 21, 2022
¡Buenísimo recurso para papás! Poner límites es difícil y cansado, pero vale muchísimo la pena. Esta guía es ideal para empezar y tener cuidado de no irnos a los extremos.
Recomendándoselo a todos mis amigos papás. 😬
Recomendándoselo a todos mis amigos papás. 😬
October 7, 2023
(Second Read Update: so relevant, still, with kids in primary school, and I suppose it will be a profitable re-read in the adolescent years, too)
A very good parenting book. Balanced, wise, practical, full of common sense, supportive, useful. I had read their main first book, Boundaries, before and found it extremely useful. This one did not fall short. It was what I needed to her and I will probably return to it again.
***
Some of the notes I took along the way:
*the purpose of Boundaries is to cultivate responsability, autonomy, self-control so that the child becomes able to internalize the real values and own his life.
* Parent with the end in mind: you are building character, not fixing short-term problems.
* The law of sowing and reaping teaches self-control. They learn they are in control of their life. You do not control the kids (their sowing) but you are in control of their reaping. Let them experience the problem, do not bail them out. Be the boundary, act the boundary (You are in control of the reaping), don’t just lecture (=nag=parent noise). When enforcing consequences: use empathy not “i told you so"s that create hatred/resentment in the child instead of focus on the lesson. The goal is not to control the child to force him to do what is good. The goal is to give the choice and through the stated consequences make it more painful to choose evil.
* freedom = responsibilities = consequences = love
* Children can handle the known logical consequences of their mistakes like a time out, loss of TV privileges, or loss of a trip to the mall, much better than they can handle relational consequences like anger, guild, shame, condemnation, or abandonment, which distance / deform a child.
* Character = Grace (support, resources, love, forgiveness, compassion) + truth (structure of life, how life works) over time
* Mental health: adapt to reality; mental illness: demanding that reality adapts to them
* The child is responsible for himself. He is responsible to others. He is to care about his family and friends and go out of his way to help them. But responsibility dictates that he refrain from protecting them from the consequences of their own actions.
* Functional dependancy (resistance to doing the tasks/jobs which are his responsibility. Do not enable it!) vs Relational dependancy (our need for connectedness which God and others. Good: unburden one to each other, vulnerability)
* Way to avoid bad consequences by gaining control of their action instead of avoiding getting caught through deception etc. Honesty (focuses on self-restraint) vs dishonesty (grows character pathology). Make honesty the norm of the house. Strong consequences for deception (stronger than for disobedience) high rewards for honesty (higher than for obedience). He must understand that the darkness of dishonesty is way more painful that the light of honesty
* Make failure the child’s friend. Avoiding perfectionism: be honest about your failings, do not be defensive, do not give the impression you love their perfect performing parts more than their mediocre stumbling parts
*You child needs to learn to grieve his lost perfection, accept his failures, learn from them, and grow... You either deny your mistakes and repeat you life over and over again, or you admit them and work through them
* Fruit of the spirit is SELF-control not OTHER-control
* Key: do not need anything from your child can give (respect, appreciation, support, understanding). Require standards not because you need them but because your child needs them. Get your needs met by another adult and let your child be free to be themselves
* Be a source of reality
*hurt vs harm in discipline
* ! Internalisation (internal parent: conscience voice) can be good news (internal sense of love and limits that functions when you are not around) or bad (if you have been overcritical / harsh - the child becomes depressed or guilty or they will react toward the cruel parent within by acting our the harshness, being mean/sadistic with others =>conscience gone array, the very structure that should bring us closer to God drives us away from Him, from love, from responsibility)
* Children do not respond well to boundaries if they are embittered / exasperated by their parents: do you do any of the following: exercise too much control over their lives so that they have no power/choice in their lives, disciplining with anger&guilt, instead of empathy and consequences, not meeting their needs for love, attention and time, not affirming their successes but only commenting on their failures, being too perfectionistic about their performance instead of being pleased with their effort and their general direction in which they are going
* Kids are reactive by nature (behaviour determined by external influences not internal values or thoughts; they live in constant protest to authority/frustration to having to delay gratification) - maturity - proactivity
*rewards: 2 situations: for learning new skills; for exceptional performance. NOT for what is normally required at their age-group, not for a skill that is already learned and is expected to be practiced (ex. taking out the trash when they are big enough) - for this category you don’t receive rewards but you pay if you don’t perform. - this avoids entitlement
*honesty the best policy: The problems of indirect communication, gossip, triangulation . One of the most important principles in relationship is direct communication and full disclosure of whatever is going on in the relationship.
*Our relationship is bigger than this conflict, feeling or experience. Our connection and affection will remain after this conflict is past
*"I want to know what you are feeling, but I want to hear you tell me instead of show me."
*Don’t sweat the small stuff. Important: honesty, responsibility, caring, morality
Most important thing: your own issues: not what you do but who you are with the child: how you react, avoid, cajole (persuade/coax/flatter), ignore him
*Adult have more freedom because they are more responsible. Teach this to your child (hold freedom as an incentive): responsibility bring freedom, growing up has its rewards
*2 most important character attributes your child needs in order to mature:
Attachment: Is your child able to connect emotionally to you? Does she see you as someone who cares for her?
Honesty: Does your child tell the truth?
A very good parenting book. Balanced, wise, practical, full of common sense, supportive, useful. I had read their main first book, Boundaries, before and found it extremely useful. This one did not fall short. It was what I needed to her and I will probably return to it again.
***
Some of the notes I took along the way:
*the purpose of Boundaries is to cultivate responsability, autonomy, self-control so that the child becomes able to internalize the real values and own his life.
* Parent with the end in mind: you are building character, not fixing short-term problems.
* The law of sowing and reaping teaches self-control. They learn they are in control of their life. You do not control the kids (their sowing) but you are in control of their reaping. Let them experience the problem, do not bail them out. Be the boundary, act the boundary (You are in control of the reaping), don’t just lecture (=nag=parent noise). When enforcing consequences: use empathy not “i told you so"s that create hatred/resentment in the child instead of focus on the lesson. The goal is not to control the child to force him to do what is good. The goal is to give the choice and through the stated consequences make it more painful to choose evil.
* freedom = responsibilities = consequences = love
* Children can handle the known logical consequences of their mistakes like a time out, loss of TV privileges, or loss of a trip to the mall, much better than they can handle relational consequences like anger, guild, shame, condemnation, or abandonment, which distance / deform a child.
* Character = Grace (support, resources, love, forgiveness, compassion) + truth (structure of life, how life works) over time
* Mental health: adapt to reality; mental illness: demanding that reality adapts to them
* The child is responsible for himself. He is responsible to others. He is to care about his family and friends and go out of his way to help them. But responsibility dictates that he refrain from protecting them from the consequences of their own actions.
* Functional dependancy (resistance to doing the tasks/jobs which are his responsibility. Do not enable it!) vs Relational dependancy (our need for connectedness which God and others. Good: unburden one to each other, vulnerability)
* Way to avoid bad consequences by gaining control of their action instead of avoiding getting caught through deception etc. Honesty (focuses on self-restraint) vs dishonesty (grows character pathology). Make honesty the norm of the house. Strong consequences for deception (stronger than for disobedience) high rewards for honesty (higher than for obedience). He must understand that the darkness of dishonesty is way more painful that the light of honesty
* Make failure the child’s friend. Avoiding perfectionism: be honest about your failings, do not be defensive, do not give the impression you love their perfect performing parts more than their mediocre stumbling parts
*You child needs to learn to grieve his lost perfection, accept his failures, learn from them, and grow... You either deny your mistakes and repeat you life over and over again, or you admit them and work through them
* Fruit of the spirit is SELF-control not OTHER-control
* Key: do not need anything from your child can give (respect, appreciation, support, understanding). Require standards not because you need them but because your child needs them. Get your needs met by another adult and let your child be free to be themselves
* Be a source of reality
*hurt vs harm in discipline
* ! Internalisation (internal parent: conscience voice) can be good news (internal sense of love and limits that functions when you are not around) or bad (if you have been overcritical / harsh - the child becomes depressed or guilty or they will react toward the cruel parent within by acting our the harshness, being mean/sadistic with others =>conscience gone array, the very structure that should bring us closer to God drives us away from Him, from love, from responsibility)
* Children do not respond well to boundaries if they are embittered / exasperated by their parents: do you do any of the following: exercise too much control over their lives so that they have no power/choice in their lives, disciplining with anger&guilt, instead of empathy and consequences, not meeting their needs for love, attention and time, not affirming their successes but only commenting on their failures, being too perfectionistic about their performance instead of being pleased with their effort and their general direction in which they are going
* Kids are reactive by nature (behaviour determined by external influences not internal values or thoughts; they live in constant protest to authority/frustration to having to delay gratification) - maturity - proactivity
*rewards: 2 situations: for learning new skills; for exceptional performance. NOT for what is normally required at their age-group, not for a skill that is already learned and is expected to be practiced (ex. taking out the trash when they are big enough) - for this category you don’t receive rewards but you pay if you don’t perform. - this avoids entitlement
*honesty the best policy: The problems of indirect communication, gossip, triangulation . One of the most important principles in relationship is direct communication and full disclosure of whatever is going on in the relationship.
*Our relationship is bigger than this conflict, feeling or experience. Our connection and affection will remain after this conflict is past
*"I want to know what you are feeling, but I want to hear you tell me instead of show me."
*Don’t sweat the small stuff. Important: honesty, responsibility, caring, morality
Most important thing: your own issues: not what you do but who you are with the child: how you react, avoid, cajole (persuade/coax/flatter), ignore him
*Adult have more freedom because they are more responsible. Teach this to your child (hold freedom as an incentive): responsibility bring freedom, growing up has its rewards
*2 most important character attributes your child needs in order to mature:
Attachment: Is your child able to connect emotionally to you? Does she see you as someone who cares for her?
Honesty: Does your child tell the truth?
August 6, 2014
I've been struggling with my 8-year-old. He's very independent which often translates to bossy. If he doesn't get what he wants he will have a tantrum. He likes to argue.
Things I liked in this book . . . .
You and your child each have a different job. Your child's job is to test your resolve, so he can learn about reality. A parent's job is to withstand the test, including anger, pouting, tantrums and much more.
Consequences transfer the need to be responsible from the parent to the child.
The focus of learning consequences needs to be that the child understands that the problem is himself, not an enraged parent.
Teach your child that when they have a problem they should first examine themselves to see what they might have done to contribute to the problem.
The child who is never frustrated never develops frustration toleration. You are teaching him that he is entitled to always be happy and that all he has to go do get others to do what he wants is to cry about it.
A child needs to understand that the solution and the answer to his problems always begins not with someone else, but with him.
Things I liked in this book . . . .
You and your child each have a different job. Your child's job is to test your resolve, so he can learn about reality. A parent's job is to withstand the test, including anger, pouting, tantrums and much more.
Consequences transfer the need to be responsible from the parent to the child.
The focus of learning consequences needs to be that the child understands that the problem is himself, not an enraged parent.
Teach your child that when they have a problem they should first examine themselves to see what they might have done to contribute to the problem.
The child who is never frustrated never develops frustration toleration. You are teaching him that he is entitled to always be happy and that all he has to go do get others to do what he wants is to cry about it.
A child needs to understand that the solution and the answer to his problems always begins not with someone else, but with him.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 26, 2011
This was one of those books that encouraged me to keep going on as we've started, and that gave me some good ideas about how to do that. I like their concept that in order to give your kids self-control, you've got to exercise it yourself. You have to be clear and firm about what they may and may not do, and with those boundaries absolutely inviolable, you then have the space to be very compassionate towards your frustrated kids. If the rules aren't up for debate, then you can sympathize with kids who are experiencing the consequences of breaking the rules, rather than spilling your anger out on them because you don't know how to handle their misbehavior.
As the authors point out, your kids always have choices, and your job is to make their choices clear. You can't make a child obey, but you can make the consequences for disobedience exist. And you can help make the good choice more appealing and the bad choice less appealing.
What I really like about this book is that it takes into account the fact that when you deal with kids, you're dealing with little sinners (not so unlike their parents, eh?), and that what you really want to do is harness their self-interest. And it works, because ultimately it is in their self-interest to obey, to become good, loving people. In other words, it works because it's based in reality, the reality that children are sinners and the reality that true happiness is found in virtue, not vice.
As the authors point out, your kids always have choices, and your job is to make their choices clear. You can't make a child obey, but you can make the consequences for disobedience exist. And you can help make the good choice more appealing and the bad choice less appealing.
What I really like about this book is that it takes into account the fact that when you deal with kids, you're dealing with little sinners (not so unlike their parents, eh?), and that what you really want to do is harness their self-interest. And it works, because ultimately it is in their self-interest to obey, to become good, loving people. In other words, it works because it's based in reality, the reality that children are sinners and the reality that true happiness is found in virtue, not vice.
September 28, 2018
Boundaries with Kids is an invaluable resource filled with great parenting solutions and strategies. As a single mom who struggles with boundaries, I find the advice given by Cloud to be useful not only in application with my child, but also in application with all of my relationships. One of the great aspects of this book is that it is relevant for parents who have children of all ages. I recommend this book to parents whose children already respect boundaries to learn how to continue to place healthy and appropriate boundaries in the future as well as parents with children who are struggling with respect and obedience.
February 29, 2012
I cringe at religious jargon, but I thought this book was worth a read. When I was able to overlook some of the language, I found myself using some of the information in daily conversation with my daughter. Some of what the authors proposed I had a hard time with (intrinsic motivation develops out of extrinsic motivation, for example), but it was a helpful book and worth reading. The line I have used most is, "You are responsible FOR yourself, and you are responsible TO others." My child feels responsibility for others often, and helping her realize that she helps them most by helping them take responsibility for themselves and being a good friend to them as they do so is going to be one of my most important jobs in the next few years.
June 28, 2011
I received this book from a friend who has two daughters (ages 3 yrs and 6 mos), and she highly recommend I read it some point during my daughter's toddlerhood. I enjoyed the ideas, especially these quotes:
Children are not born with boundaries. Too little freedom to gain experience, the child forever remains a child. Too much freedom, the child is in danger of hurting him/herself.
If parents give without boundaries, children learn to feel entitled and become self-centered and demanding. If parents hold resources too tightly, children give up and do not develop the hope of reaching goals.
To the extent that a person is able and willing to be honest, he/she can grow. Honesty begins with parents who model it, require it from their children, and provide safe environment in which to be honest.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:37) Being grounded in God gives direction and meaning to their existence, allowing them to transcend life.
To develop a child of good character, we have to be parents of good character. To develop boundaries in our children, we have to have boundaries.
Use the word "boundary" with your child. And tell him/her "you are responsible for your behavior."
If you relate to your children in a way that mirror's God's laws, they will make a successful transition to the outside world.
The ultimate boundary is love. Our connection with each other and with God is the fabric that holds life together. Relationship heals, comforts, and structures our experience.
Children are not born with boundaries. Too little freedom to gain experience, the child forever remains a child. Too much freedom, the child is in danger of hurting him/herself.
If parents give without boundaries, children learn to feel entitled and become self-centered and demanding. If parents hold resources too tightly, children give up and do not develop the hope of reaching goals.
To the extent that a person is able and willing to be honest, he/she can grow. Honesty begins with parents who model it, require it from their children, and provide safe environment in which to be honest.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." (Matthew 22:37) Being grounded in God gives direction and meaning to their existence, allowing them to transcend life.
To develop a child of good character, we have to be parents of good character. To develop boundaries in our children, we have to have boundaries.
Use the word "boundary" with your child. And tell him/her "you are responsible for your behavior."
If you relate to your children in a way that mirror's God's laws, they will make a successful transition to the outside world.
The ultimate boundary is love. Our connection with each other and with God is the fabric that holds life together. Relationship heals, comforts, and structures our experience.
May 1, 2020
Çocuklarda sınırlar kitabında hem beğendiğim hem de fazla geleneksel ve şu ana uyumsuz bulduğum yanlar oldu. Öncelikle beğendiğim taraflarından bahsedeyim. Ebeveynlerin sıklıkla düştüğü hataları(mesela çocuğa kıyamamak, sınırlarında istikrarlı olmamak) çok detaylı ele alıp sebepleriyle, önerilerle açıklamış. İkinci olarak sınırların önemini çok iyi açıklayan bir kitap. S��nırsızlığın çocuk için gelecekte nelere mal olacağını açıklaması olayı daha da anlamlandırdı ve somutlaştırdı.
Beğenmediğim yanlarına gelecek olursam, çocukların davranışlarının sonuçlarına katlanmasıyla çocuğa ceza vermek bambaşka kavramlar ama bu kitapta sık sık ceza vermekten bahsediyordu. O kısımları ceza mentalitesinden çıkartıp davranışların sonucuna katlanmak anlayışına adapte edince kitap daha verimli oldu benim adıma.
Son olarak sınır konusunda sorun yaşayan ebeveynlerin ve eğitimcilerin okumasını öneririm. Hem taktiklerle yol gösterecek hem de kişiye yalnız olmadığını hissettirebilecek bir kitap.
Beğenmediğim yanlarına gelecek olursam, çocukların davranışlarının sonuçlarına katlanmasıyla çocuğa ceza vermek bambaşka kavramlar ama bu kitapta sık sık ceza vermekten bahsediyordu. O kısımları ceza mentalitesinden çıkartıp davranışların sonucuna katlanmak anlayışına adapte edince kitap daha verimli oldu benim adıma.
Son olarak sınır konusunda sorun yaşayan ebeveynlerin ve eğitimcilerin okumasını öneririm. Hem taktiklerle yol gösterecek hem de kişiye yalnız olmadığını hissettirebilecek bir kitap.
February 6, 2024
I have four kids, ages 11-16, so I have read many, many parenting books. This book, along with Are My Kids On Track?, by David Thomas, Sissy Goff, and Melissa Trevathan, are my two favorites. I pull them out to reference when we get "stuck" in an area or when we enter a new stage of development. When I read back through Boundaries with Kids I always end up learning more about myself and what I'm doing to contribute to my kids' behavior and to struggles in our relationship. It's humbling but very empowering too!
March 6, 2013
I found this book to be more helpful for me than the regular Boundaries book. I realized in my parenting that I was protecting my children from natural consequences for their behavior...and how doing this really is doing my children a disservice (but while I was doing it I thought I was being loving)! It was an EXTREMELY HELPFUL PARENTING book and in a world with an "entitlement" mentality, it is a MUST READ!
May 3, 2021
Every parent, potential parent, grandparent, or someone with a pulse should read this book.
August 23, 2019
This book was awful.
No clever, well written review. The book was horrible.
It's very 90's Christian and incredibly sexist. The examples are all fabricated - no one can accurately quote paragraphs years later. The authors are quick to point out how they have never been wrong, ever. There is a very dated look at family life and exceptionally redundant. The two authors are big fans of the golden rule even though we should really have moved on by now. The entire book could be summed up with "give kids boundaries so girls grow up to be quiet, dutiful mothers and boys grow up to stay away from drugs, because drugs kill."
I'll stop sharing my thoughts and instead just share some of the top quotes.
"The mother who says, 'You'll eat your peas and like them!' is headed for disappointment. Even Jesus dreaded his most horrible task: dying for our sins."
"Let me speak a word here to single parents: God designed the job of nurturing and rearing kids to two parents"
No clever, well written review. The book was horrible.
It's very 90's Christian and incredibly sexist. The examples are all fabricated - no one can accurately quote paragraphs years later. The authors are quick to point out how they have never been wrong, ever. There is a very dated look at family life and exceptionally redundant. The two authors are big fans of the golden rule even though we should really have moved on by now. The entire book could be summed up with "give kids boundaries so girls grow up to be quiet, dutiful mothers and boys grow up to stay away from drugs, because drugs kill."
I'll stop sharing my thoughts and instead just share some of the top quotes.
"The mother who says, 'You'll eat your peas and like them!' is headed for disappointment. Even Jesus dreaded his most horrible task: dying for our sins."
"Let me speak a word here to single parents: God designed the job of nurturing and rearing kids to two parents"
October 30, 2021
Normally I speed through a Christian life book in about 2 weeks, but this one I read over 3 months. This was partly due to travel, but mostly due to the content being very rich (overwhelmingly so, at times), and a desire to savor the wisdom.
Not a word is wasted here. I appreciated how to-the-point and organized this was. In the future, I can reference this easily because the chapters were categorized so well. Even though this was written in 1998, I found it to be very relevant without feeling dated.
I recently had a period of feeling like the Worst Parent Ever, and I had to set this aside for a little bit so I could breathe and get my own mindset grounded again, so if you're in a tough season, you may want to wait on this. (Totally just my opinion, obviously.)
I'm interested in reading some of the authors' other Boundaries books. If they're anything like this, they'd be invaluable.
Not a word is wasted here. I appreciated how to-the-point and organized this was. In the future, I can reference this easily because the chapters were categorized so well. Even though this was written in 1998, I found it to be very relevant without feeling dated.
I recently had a period of feeling like the Worst Parent Ever, and I had to set this aside for a little bit so I could breathe and get my own mindset grounded again, so if you're in a tough season, you may want to wait on this. (Totally just my opinion, obviously.)
I'm interested in reading some of the authors' other Boundaries books. If they're anything like this, they'd be invaluable.
December 31, 2022
Definitely geared towards parents of older children than I have, but it never hurts to start early.
April 1, 2012
This is an excellent parenting book. It was highly recommended by a mentor and it did not disappoint. The summary of this book could be: How to begin with the end in mind, the end result being a child who becomes an adult who can deal with the world's realities in a healthy and mature way.
I most was challenged by the chapter on character growth, and many of the other chapters reminded me of the "tough love" concept in a lot of Jim Dobson's books. Loving with boundaries means consistency in parenting, allowing consequences, modeling personal responsibility, and moving a child from self-centeredness to gratitude, motivation, initiation (instead of passiveness) and much more.
I was overwhelmed by the amount of growth that needs to happen in a child during their journey to adulthood, but there is a lot of encouragement from the authors and a heavy emphasis on love and the end result being worth it. I would recommend this for parents of elementary age children through the pre-teen years.
I most was challenged by the chapter on character growth, and many of the other chapters reminded me of the "tough love" concept in a lot of Jim Dobson's books. Loving with boundaries means consistency in parenting, allowing consequences, modeling personal responsibility, and moving a child from self-centeredness to gratitude, motivation, initiation (instead of passiveness) and much more.
I was overwhelmed by the amount of growth that needs to happen in a child during their journey to adulthood, but there is a lot of encouragement from the authors and a heavy emphasis on love and the end result being worth it. I would recommend this for parents of elementary age children through the pre-teen years.
March 4, 2022
Dr. Cloud does it again!
I didn’t enjoy this audio book as much as others they have co authored, as Dr. Townsend reads this one and I prefer Dr. Cloud’s voice. 😊
I never wanted to raise my children in the type of environment I was raised in, so to me I found this book very insightful.
I haven’t felt that I’ve seen a good example of how to parent, so I decided about 15 years ago to look to God at how He has parented me, and have done my best to study and analyze that, and put it into practice in my philosophy of how i live my life and I will raise my children.
If you can relate to anything I’ve mentioned, than you will likely enjoy this book as well as they point out Scripture backing up why these ways (God’s ways of raising, teaching, growing,and loving us) is best not only for the child, but also for the parent. 💓
I didn’t agree with every single thought in this book, but most of it I really did. Of course, I only have two small babies right now, so will need to reread as they grow I’m sure, as everything regarding teenagers is beyond my level of experience.
I didn’t enjoy this audio book as much as others they have co authored, as Dr. Townsend reads this one and I prefer Dr. Cloud’s voice. 😊
I never wanted to raise my children in the type of environment I was raised in, so to me I found this book very insightful.
I haven’t felt that I’ve seen a good example of how to parent, so I decided about 15 years ago to look to God at how He has parented me, and have done my best to study and analyze that, and put it into practice in my philosophy of how i live my life and I will raise my children.
If you can relate to anything I’ve mentioned, than you will likely enjoy this book as well as they point out Scripture backing up why these ways (God’s ways of raising, teaching, growing,and loving us) is best not only for the child, but also for the parent. 💓
I didn’t agree with every single thought in this book, but most of it I really did. Of course, I only have two small babies right now, so will need to reread as they grow I’m sure, as everything regarding teenagers is beyond my level of experience.
March 18, 2023
3.75⭐️
I feel like my review changed from 4 stars to 3 and then to back 4 while finishing the book.
One thing to keep in mind is that this book was written 25 years ago, so I feel that parenting tactics, parenting “culture” (eg. spanking) and our understanding/ knowledge of child development has increased and changed. I feel like things are not quite as “black and white” as the book may portray, in terms of root causes of boundary issues and kids’ behaviour.
That being said, there are SO many good points in this book in regards to teaching and demonstrating healthy boundaries. Main points include being consistent with the boundaries and consequences you put in place, “let your yes be yes and your no be no”, and emphasizing that kids can experience “hurts” and disappointments, as this helps with the overall big picture of boundaries and healthy development.
Lots of great notes taken from the book. It would be great to see an updated version from the authors in the future!
I feel like my review changed from 4 stars to 3 and then to back 4 while finishing the book.
One thing to keep in mind is that this book was written 25 years ago, so I feel that parenting tactics, parenting “culture” (eg. spanking) and our understanding/ knowledge of child development has increased and changed. I feel like things are not quite as “black and white” as the book may portray, in terms of root causes of boundary issues and kids’ behaviour.
That being said, there are SO many good points in this book in regards to teaching and demonstrating healthy boundaries. Main points include being consistent with the boundaries and consequences you put in place, “let your yes be yes and your no be no”, and emphasizing that kids can experience “hurts” and disappointments, as this helps with the overall big picture of boundaries and healthy development.
Lots of great notes taken from the book. It would be great to see an updated version from the authors in the future!
January 26, 2012
A wonderful book for parents of young kids, helping you focus on the adults you want them to become (without making them grow up too soon). It helps you identify the character qualities they could learn now - while it's easier - to help them be fulfilled and happy later on, good habits they can already establish in areas like responsibility, respect, motivation, proactivity etc. And as well as helping you help your kids, it makes you a better person and a better parent too. I think you really can't start this too soon! www.GoodReadingGuide.com
September 25, 2009
This book is better than the original. There is less straining to prove the metaphor of boundaries as Scriptural and more practical ideas and scripts. I like the scripts a lot.
I think the metaphor of "boundaries" is a good one. It's much less combative than the weird twist that some give of "shepherding" and "control." This is assertive, not aggressive or passive aggressive.
I think the metaphor of "boundaries" is a good one. It's much less combative than the weird twist that some give of "shepherding" and "control." This is assertive, not aggressive or passive aggressive.
February 17, 2016
Full of wisdom, but dense. Best slowly digested over time. The book left me grateful that I was raised with clear boundaries (I knew when to say yes and no, what was right and wrong, and felt in control of my life), and I am inspired to continue to pass on structure, expectations, and the peace that comes from them to my children. That's the goal, anyway! ;)
April 10, 2016
Lots of good tips surrounded by way too much God talk. It's difficult for me to take the author's advice seriously when his only justification is the bible.
March 20, 2025
¡Qué joya de libro! Todo padre de familia debería leer esta chulada de libro. Cuánto necesitamos libros centrados en el evangelio y prácticos para la vida diaria en nuestra labor de la crianza.
January 9, 2023
Extremely outdated parenting advice (suggests spanking) and gender roles. Heavy with scripture and just very uncomfortable to read. Disappointed and would not recommend.
November 19, 2025
This is the best parenting book I have read so far.
2 key points that stood out is that the pain of staying the same must outweigh the pain of change. Don’t rescue your kids, allow them to experience the consequences of their actions.
Another interesting point is that parents need to let the consequence be the deterrent, not the mood of the parent - I.e. yelling, being passive aggressive towards your kids when annoyed with what they did.
2 key points that stood out is that the pain of staying the same must outweigh the pain of change. Don’t rescue your kids, allow them to experience the consequences of their actions.
Another interesting point is that parents need to let the consequence be the deterrent, not the mood of the parent - I.e. yelling, being passive aggressive towards your kids when annoyed with what they did.
December 1, 2025
really good!
April 2, 2025
Good book. Definitely helping with setting limits and understanding how to set healthy boundaries with children. I loved the references to scripture throughout.
March 25, 2016
This is an excellent book on parenting. The idea in the book is to allow and encourage children to freely make their own choices, while at the same time having clear boundaries and consequences for when the children make the wrong choice. The goal is to produce young adults that make good choices for themselves. If children are "forced" to comply at an early age, then they will likely not make wise choices once their parents can no longer force compliance on them.
I was able to use a lot of the advice of this book right away. I also enjoyed that much of the advice only required small changes to my parenting. A problem I've witnessed with a lot of parenting books is that they don't have much to offer unless you implement the very strange and different parenting style that the book is encouraging.
While this book did have some advice along those lines (which I may or may not implement), I was able to glean a lot of good advice from the book without completely changing my parenting style.
I was able to use a lot of the advice of this book right away. I also enjoyed that much of the advice only required small changes to my parenting. A problem I've witnessed with a lot of parenting books is that they don't have much to offer unless you implement the very strange and different parenting style that the book is encouraging.
While this book did have some advice along those lines (which I may or may not implement), I was able to glean a lot of good advice from the book without completely changing my parenting style.
May 30, 2014
I loved the regular Boundaries book. It profoundly changed my life. So I picked up this book because the kid chapter in the main boundaries book was so good. This book just goes into more detail of how this plays out with different scenarios encountered with kids. It has really helped us in our household to parent in a way that is training our kids how to make good choices and owning the consequences of what they choose. It is similar to Parenting with Love and Logic and Loving Your Kids on Purpose. I am keeping this out on my nightstand and referring to it often. It was a lifesaver when my 12/13 year old hit the make me stage and my old parenting methods no longer worked. Boundaries just makes sense. Our house is more peaceful because of it and I feel like my kids are learning to live the phrase, "I can't control how people act, but I can control how I respond." Wish I learned these lessons as a kid but so grateful to know them now both for myself and raising my own kids.
July 3, 2018
Every parent should read this book.
I read this as part of a mom's group, so we read and discussed each chapter, and I got more out of this book in terms of parenting than I've gotten out of any other parenting book I've ever read. This book was simple, practical, and full of helpful information. This book has literally changed the way I interact with my kids and I can see improvement in them.
The authors are Christian and they take basic Biblical truths and apply them to the role of parent, and it just makes sense. Every chapter in my book is underlined, highlighted, and starred and this is a book I will be referring to often as my children grow up.
I am serious, if you have kids, go get this book. If all parents understood these basic truths and how to get their kids to understand those truths also, this world would be a better place. I cannot say enough good things about this book.
I read this as part of a mom's group, so we read and discussed each chapter, and I got more out of this book in terms of parenting than I've gotten out of any other parenting book I've ever read. This book was simple, practical, and full of helpful information. This book has literally changed the way I interact with my kids and I can see improvement in them.
The authors are Christian and they take basic Biblical truths and apply them to the role of parent, and it just makes sense. Every chapter in my book is underlined, highlighted, and starred and this is a book I will be referring to often as my children grow up.
I am serious, if you have kids, go get this book. If all parents understood these basic truths and how to get their kids to understand those truths also, this world would be a better place. I cannot say enough good things about this book.
January 16, 2011
An avid fan of the original text "Boundaries," I was perhaps, overly optimistic about this book. It is excellent but not a huge leap from the original. While the context of boundaries in raising kids is very helpful it is fairly generic. Much of the book seemed to be aimed at children who are at least school aged which is helpful only if you have not established solid boundaries before that time - in which case the original book would probably suffice. I was hopeful for something more "preventative" to be used with toddlers and pre-schoolers and found this to be only mildly useful in that regard. The points are excellent, the rationale sound and overall a good book - just not necessary to round out my shelf.
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