Get out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior by Mark Goulston (30-Oct-2003) Paperback

by Mark Goulston

Practical, proven self help steps show how to transform 40 common self-defeating behaviors, including procrastination, envy, obsession, anger, self-pity, compulsion, neediness, guilt, rebellion, inaction, and more.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development, Audiobook, Mental Health, Personal Growth

Unknown Binding

First published February 1, 1996

About the author

MARK GOULSTON, M.D., is a business psychiatrist and consultant, author of the bestselling Just Listen, and subject of the PBS special “Just Listen with Dr. Goulston.” He writes a Tribune syndicated career column; blogs for Fast Company, Business Insider, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today; and is featured frequently in major media including The Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, CNN, NPR, and Fox News.

Reviews

[Misty · Rating 2 out of 5]

There is absolutely zero depth in this book.
"Procrastinate? Well, don't."
"Hold grudges? Well, stop"
"Unable to say no? Then say no"

[Elizabeth Black · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was not impressed with this one. I think what he was going for was practical application to every day life, but the stand alone lessons seem nothing to do with one another and are too simplistic to address the deep roots from which self defeating behaviors stem.

[Iusedtobeacat · Rating 4 out of 5]

Let me start my review by stating that, people are blessed in many ways. Some are intellectuals and some are emotionally intelligent. You can’t have everything or be everything at the same time, but the cool thing is: you can build, you can evolve and change.

I loved this book, for what it is. A guide to those who are emotionally troubled, or have no previous training or knowledge when it comes to handling their emotions.

I’m not saying that this book is going to radically change your life, and that once you read it you’ll be a messiah of some sort or whatever. Clearly, if someone is deeply troubled they’d have to seek therapy and meds if they have any history of mental illness so that’s not what I’m advocating this book for, it should in NO way substitute proper therapy.

On the contrary, I simply view this book, as more of a guide into how you can build your self emotionally, how you can control your emotional floss and what you should care about, especially if you have NO clue what you’re doing.

I’m guilty of most of these “self defeating coping mechanisms” that the author talks about, and it has made my life crazy for a while. I did procrastinate ever so often, I chased the love of people who weren’t my parents but I felt the notion is the same in this case, I held grudges, and Saying “yes” when I really wanted to say “no” just to make people like me etc... it definitely didn’t turn out to be in my favor.

I felt like a doormat for most of the time, so to have this book was a great tool for me. I learned so much, in such a short read. It was enjoyable. Of course, this wasn’t a magic fix, it did take me years to change and get over my “sins” but you can say that this book was the starting point for me. It has sound advice, it makes a lot of sense too. It resonated with me so well. I guess most of the stuff included are very obvious already, but to some of us it’s not that obvious, especially if you’re growing up and you’re still finding out who you are and how you fit into this world.

So overall, I liked it a lot. It did help me. It’s a useful read.

[Robert · Rating 5 out of 5]

As I began to read this book, I recalled the core concepts in The Knowing-Doing Gap co-authored by Jeffrey Pfeffer and Robert Sutton. Briefly, they assert that “so many managers know so much about organizational performance, say so many smart things about how to achieve performance, and work so hard, yet are trapped in firms that do so many things they know will undermine performance." Many (most?) people have a “gap” between knowing what to do and doing it, not only at work but in all other areas of their lives. How to close this gap? Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg believe that a self-defeating attitude results in self-defeating behavior…and I agree. They identify 40 different examples of self-defeating behavior and briefly discuss each, also including relevant quotations and a “Usable Insight” for each. I immediately identified with several (as will other readers) and, after reading “10 Things You Can Learn from Each” and then the Introduction: “How to Beat Self-Defeat,” zeroed in on caught my eye.

Goulston and Goldberg offer an abundance of sound advice. It remains for each reader to determine which of the self-defeating behaviors are most relevant to her or him, then make whatever behavior adjustments may be necessary. The authors suggest that the book be read straight through. I chose to take a different approach. Either way is fine. It is imperative to read “10 Things You Can Learn from Each” and then the Introduction: “How to Beat Self-Defeat” first. The extent to which a reader is receptive to improvement of mindset and behavior will determine whether reading this book is a journey of meaningful self-discovery or an extended exercise in self-delusion. Reader’s choice.

[Brent · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chapters are short and to the point. This book offers helpful examples for a number of self-defeating behaviors along with some insight into the childhood trauma that cultivated them. Not all of the behaviors or advice in this book felt helpful, some passages feeling very cheesy, and the various quotes by famous figures did not add anything of value to this book besides to fill space. While it doesn't spend much time on any one particular self-defeating behavior (as each chapter is only a few pages long) overall I think this is a good starting point to help identify unhealthy behaviors.

[Liana · Rating 1 out of 5]

Full list of ways how you can ruin your life but no plan and almost no advice how to fix yourself.

[Jennifer P. · Rating 1 out of 5]

The authors break down 40 different self-defeating behaviors in 180 pages. Some of these behaviors can take years to establish in a person’s life. A measly 2-3 pages with bullet points at the end of each section is hardly enough to scratch the surface of each behavior. It’s also sprinkled with several famous and not so famous quotes which don’t really do much to add to the material. They end up looking more like space filler than anything. I pushed through to the end hoping for something helpful, useful. Looks like I just wasted my time.

[Monica Strack · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF. Disappointed in this one because I was looking forward to reading it. I started reading all the way through, but lost interest so I skipped to chapters that I related to instead. Unfortunately the lessons in the book did not teach me anything new.

[Tatyana · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book definitely had some gems and I did have some breakthroughs throughout this book. I liked how the chapters were short & digestable.
However I feel like some topics were brushed over to briefly and a more in depth explanation would be better. I think including a bit less chapters but elaborating a bit more on each one would've made a difference.

Would still recommend this book!!

A quote that stuck with me: "Sometimes the easy way out is the right way in."

[Soph]

This year I am attempting to try to read more non-fiction books.
So I basically googled “non-fiction books” and added every one that sounded somewhat interesting.

This was incredibly interesting and I did enjoy learning about the behavioral psychology aspect.

[laura]

There were 3 excellent pages (xi-xiv) and the rest was awful (cheesy, cliche, mansplainy...). This book maintains the trend I see with my research on the writing out there about self sabotage in high performers: no bueno.

[☘Misericordia☘ ⚡ϟ⚡⛈⚡☁ ❇️❤❣ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ментальные ловушки на работе.

[Marjorie Silvestrini · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very practical way to learn about our own behaviors and to deal with other people’s behaviors too. Really recommend. Easy to listen and short book.

[Douglas Gibson · Rating 4 out of 5]

My teaching partner and I are previewing self-help books for a unit we are going to do with our seniors next year and I think this book will be perfect for them.
At first I wanted more out of this book, and found the 3 to 4 page chapters to be too brief to actually discuss any of these issues sufficiently. The more I continued to read, the more I enjoyed the fact that these chapter were not trying to go into great depth on any one topic, yet were simply trying to get the reader to acknowledge some of their self-defeating behaviors, and then provide some basic ideas on how to overcome those behaviors.
Some gems include- “Holding a grudge is a powerful defense mechanism that protects you from having to own up to your own shortcomings.” “Mentally healthy
People feel what they are supposed to feel when they are supposed to feel it.” And, “If you are having fun and things are coming easily to you, don’t feel guilty. It doesn’t mean you are being irresponsible or lazy.”

[Amelia Grace · Rating 3 out of 5]

Now, I’m not really sure how I feel about this book. It’s helped me learn, but in a pretty mundane way if I’m honest. I’d give this a three star because it’s good for being emotionally and mentally aware of your state, but to me as a 12 year old, it was slightly boring. As I usually say though, some parts of this book have changed or added parts to my mindset, like an incomplete machine that gets a bit added with each nurturing voice of different authors.

This did, though, make me look inside myself and see where I was at. I'm also someone who gets scared easily, e.g. jumping off a small platform onto an airbag I won’t do, but there are a few chapters on the context of fear which helped me feel braver. I remember some of the things said in this book, and some help me do things old me wouldn’t have dreamt of. All an all, 3 stars but I would recommend for anyone who’s trying to improve themselves!

[Roman Shaternik · Rating 3 out of 5]

Сама идея о том, что человек злейший враг самому себе, и своим же поведением мешает себе жить - отличная. И в книге коротко описано аж 40 типов такого поведения. Но по ходу прочтения чувствуешь себя на приёме у психотерапевта, и также становится понятно что определить у себя то или иное поведение, а тем более сознательно изменить его - практически невероятная затея. Примерно как самому тренировать себя в большом спорте. Так что годится разве что для изучения как оно бывает, чтобы лучше понимать когда пора обратиться за помощью.

[Jordan Shipman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Probably 3.5 stars but I rounded up. I enjoyed reading it and would recommend to anyone looking for accessible advice. The chapters are short, 2-4 pages each. I found it difficult to sit down and read for extended period due to the fragmentation. It wasn’t written to have a single narrative throughout, but that is what I personally find most enjoyable. It would be an excellent book to keep by the toilet and read in short dumps. :)

[Alex Cozz · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.7 ⭐️

I thought this book was very good! There were allot of quotes I liked and connected with throughout reading this story. I thought that there was a lot of advice in relation to the various topics throughout the book.

I really loved the format of this story. It would give a scenario of the problem and then steps on how to fix it. This made it incredibly easy to follow and was nicely organized.

[Beth Elbassiouny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book. Made me reflect on some situations I've encountered in the past and better understand why I felt what I did or why someone reacted the way that they did. I thought it was really helpful the way they identified a self-sabotaging behavior, then gave an example of it so the reader could better understand and then added the "Usable Insight" as a great one-line take away, and then the "Taking Action" gave you a checklist of how to address or overcome the particular behavior.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of great advice and takeaways but the style of the book with a chapter per problem, means most people will have a few chapters that are irrelevant to their personality or situation... Which makes it strange to read.
As a side note, I enjoyed the narration but was a bit shocked every time a chapter was announced because the announcement was almost twice as loud as the rest of the book.

[Rachel Pollock · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful advice for people blind to their own privilege and working jobs they hate. The advice is very gender-normative and aimed at straight people with children. The text is padded with a lot of quotations out of context and of questionable relevance. Not a bad book, if you’re in the demographic it’s written for.

[Michelle Gray · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 stars rounded up. I appreciated the lessons in this book and it did make me reflect on my self-defeating behaviors and what I potentially need to change, but I felt like it didn’t offer any action steps to overcome those behaviors. It seemed like a lot of chapters highlighted a self defeating behavior, and then the authors advice was “stop feeling this way.” Overall, the lessons were helpful, but could’ve offered more direction to the reader.

[Jenna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Initially I thought this book was outdated information consisting of too basic concepts. The more I read, the more the concepts resonated with me. The book is only a five hour read. Of the 38 concepts there will be at least a few that apply to any reader.

[Noelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5

[Denis Vasilev · Rating 4 out of 5]

Порция годного контента от неутомимого Гоулстона. Книга давняя, но актуальности не теряющая. Стоило пройтись и примерить к себе, какие то идеи отзываются

[Manoj Kakran · Rating 4 out of 5]

Drastic changes I have felt after reading this book. Much helpful to get rid of the sabotage behavior of oneself.

[Kevin Macdonald]

Lmao made it like 5 pages before stopping. I’m trying to read EVERYTHING to see what does and doesn’t stick... this is a miss. c’est la vie

[Cristian Rusu · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Sometimes the easy way out is the right way in" is what I call a usable insight: a memorable phrase that not only illuminates but inspires constructive action.
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Self-defeating behavior occurs when we fail to learn the lessons that life tries to teach us. It represents the victory of impulse over awareness, immediate gratification over lasting satisfaction, relief over resolution. Self-defeating behavior invariably begins as an attempt to make ourselves feel better. It is a coping mechanism. When faced with a crisis, a threat or a potentially upsetting situation, we try to protect ourselves. We grasp for something that will reduce tension or keep us from getting hurt. The action itself seems logical and expedient at the time, and it might actually succeed in bringing about short-term relief. But that behavior invariably comes back to haunt us. Then we curse ourselves for being stupid, foolish or weak, when in truth we had simply lost perspective in the midst of a threatening or confusing situation.
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Then there are children who do not lack affection and attention, but are not given adequate guidance. Although they might feel loved, they often grow up feeling incompetent and incapable, and therefore unsafe in the face of adversity. In either case, they reach for anything they can find to make their unbearable feelings bearable. The more anxious and alone or inadequate and incompetent they feel, the more tenaciously they hold to whatever thoughts, attitudes and behaviors bring relief. If they do not develop more effective coping mechanisms, the ones that bring relief solidify into self-defeating behaviors.
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People who were neglected tend to feel defeated and withdraw from the world. People who were not given guidance tend to lack confidence and self-reliance. Each pathway leads to different forms of self-defeat.
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Self-defeating behavior usually repeats itself. Despite your best intentions, when the same or similar situations crop up again, you might act reflexively and do what you've done before. If you have a setback, instead of beating yourself to death for making a mistake, convert your self-contempt into self-determination. Ask yourself what you would do if you could do it over again. Develop a plan of action for the next time the situation arises.
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Because of your parents' own upbringing, they are often incapable of giving you what you need emotionally. If you keep chasing after what they can't give, and if you make your sense of worth dependent on getting it, you will never feel worthwhile. Instead, your futile efforts will create animosity and resentment in you and frustration in your parents. Actually, unless you are the rare son or daughter who articulates your needs clearly, your parents probably don't even have a clue as to what you want from them. All they know is that you're displeased - and that bewilders and saddens them.
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Think of something you never received from one of your parents, and that you feel you still need. (The most common responses are pride, love, comfort and acceptance.) From your knowledge of your family, determine whether your parent is likely to have received it from his or her parents. Imagine a specific situation in which you could sincerely give it to your parent, and visualize yourself doing so. Seek opportunities to offer what you need to your parent. Don't be surprised if both of you are moved, even to the point of tears. The tears don't mean something is wrong, but that something that was wrong has finally been made right.
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It's important to realize that because we filter reality through individual values and perceptions, misunderstandings are inevitable; at times it is impossible to comprehend another person's thoughts or emotions. However, it is possible to feel what someone else is feeling. Deep down, each of us has the same fundamental need for love, affection, esteem, security, self-expression and other basics. When those needs are thwarted we feel anger, fear, sadness, pain, and other universal emotions. By focusing on such commonly experienced feelings, you can achieve something deeper and more meaningful than understanding: empathy. Empathy is a priceless commodity because it invariably defuses hostility. It is psychologically impossible to be angry at someone if, at the same time, you feel what he or she is feeling.
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TAKING ACTION Whether you're dealing with offensive colleagues, a stubborn spouse, a disobedient child or a brazen bully, here's how to convert anger to conviction: Cool off. Resist the urge to act impulsively, and take some time to reflect on the situation. Ask yourself what has made you angry. The answer is usually something you regard as unfair or unreasonable. Identify the principles that are being violated, and put your conviction into words. Determine the best and most creative way to stand up for your principles.
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USABLE INSIGHT: When you can't say no without fear, or yes without resentment, it's time to say stop! TAKING ACTION Realize that not wanting to go along doesn't make you stubborn, mean or defiant. Understand that not saying no can be taken as a yes, and can reinforce the unwanted behavior. Make sure you confront the person at an opportune time. Express your grievance as an observation. Speak in terms of how it hurts or frustrates you; don't be accusatory or judgmental. Admit your own participation in creating the problem. Say specifically how you would like the situation to be different in the future. Make it sound like a suggestion or request, not an ultimatum.
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"Forgive and forget" is one of those common sayings that sounds like good advice but is very difficult to live up to. Despite our best intentions, when push comes to shove, not forgiving and not forgetting is what we end up doing. Not forgiving is often synonymous with continuing to blame. A powerful defense mechanism, blaming amounts to finding a target for your anger and frustration. It protects you from having to own up to your own shortcomings. However, making your problems someone else's fault leaves you in a passive position. It feels good to be exempt from responsibility, but it keeps you from taking steps to remedy your situation. Similarly, not forgetting is the equivalent of continuing to remember. That too is a form of self-protection. You think that remembering a past hurt will keep you from letting your guard down, thereby protecting you from being caught unaware and getting hurt again. The problem is, your wariness can make you so uptight and guarded that others find it takes too much effort to deal with you. You could end up safe but alone. When is it safe to forget? When you have learned whatever you need to know to prevent a hurtful situation from recurring.
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USABLE INSIGHT: There are always strings attached. TAKING ACTION Assume that people always give with the expectation of receiving something in return, and don't become embittered by this realization. Determine whether the gesture is a gift, a favor or a loan. If it is a gift, be sure to express your gratitude, and perhaps find an occasion to offer a reciprocal gift or a display of thoughtfulness. If it is a favor, make a mental note to offer a favor in return. If it is a loan, spell out clearly how and when and with what you intend to pay it back.
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After all, if you think you're always right you can't learn anything new. You're closed down because knowing and learning can't occur at the same time. Having to be right all the time just isn't right. It isn't just, it isn't fair and it isn't even possible. It will bring you contempt, not power and esteem. On the other hand, being wrong on occasion does not make you less worthy, it makes you more human and more approachable. USABLE INSIGHT: When no one is attacking you, being defensive comes across as offensive.
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Recognize and acknowledge the value of other people's opinions and viewpoints. If you've offended someone, admit you were wrong. It's the best way to reconnect. Observe what it feels like to not be right. Can you handle the feeling? Remember, the reward is that you don't alienate people. Instead of being a know-it-all, strive to know all of it. Take into consideration the point of view of others and the requirements of the situation as a whole.
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But if our partner seems unwilling to match us effort for effort, we get resentful and try less hard ourselves. Unfortunately, instead of focusing on our partners' attempts to improve the relationship, we tend to notice what they're doing wrong and what they're not contributing. Naturally, they respond with the same tunnel vision, and the cycle of resentment spirals downward until no one is appreciated and no one is doing the necessary work.
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What makes broken promises frustrating as well as painful is when promise-breakers don't own up to their misdeeds - often because they don't realize they made a promise in the first place. To make themselves feel comfortable, people will carelessly say things to ease your tension, soothe your worries, or, more selfishly, get you off their backs. They don't realize that you plan to hold them to their word. Hence, the boss hints at promotions to make employees feel secure, parents propose a trip to Disneyland to shut their kids up, and men allude to marriage to reassure their girlfriends and bask in the glow of adoration. In their minds, appeasing an awkward situation overrides the possible long-term consequences. Sometimes we on the receiving end make it easy for promise-breakers by not holding them accountable. In order not to make waves, and to maintain their basic sense of trust, we rationalize the betrayal with "Oh, he just made a mistake," or "She must have forgotten." We do this because we are so frustrated that we are on the brink of exploding or imploding, and we're terrified of losing control. Unwilling to lose a friend or cause an ugly scene, we ease off and say it's okay, and eagerly accept their promise another time.
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I have tried to help warring couples understand that it's futile to try to make up before letting go of the anger inside. Trying to be loving while still harboring hatred might buy you a truce, but not genuine peace. Hatred keeps you on guard. You get defensive over minor remarks and overreact to everything the other person does that's not totally, unequivocally positive. That's not exactly a recipe for intimacy. Only when you are drained of underlying negativity and come to feel punched out emotionally can you think, "I don't want to hate this person anymore." Then the rebuilding can begin on a solid foundation. Hatred usually begins with disappointment. As you discover irritating qualities in your partner, you gradually come to think, "This is not the person I fell in love with." Initially, you hesitate to tell the other person because you don't want to hurt him. But if your feelings have no outlet, they build up, until you're afraid that if you admit how upset you are the relationship could not endure. In time, the disappointment turns to anger, and eventually the anger becomes chronic and turns into hatred.
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Perhaps the most common wrong lesson we derive from mistakes is to conclude that we should avoid similar situations in the future rather than learn how to handle them differently. While sometimes appropriate, "I won't try that again" or "I'll never go there again" is usually a way to spare yourself the pain of having to reconsider your actions. Taken to extremes, avoidance can even turn into a phobia, triggering anxiety every time you are in a situation that resembles the original trauma.
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Another common and unworthy reaction to a mistake is to judge yourself too harshly. Thoughts such as "I'm such a wimp!" "What an idiot!" or "I'm totally incompetent" can help you assuage feelings of guilt and shame by punishing yourself. They also enable you to beat others to the punch; if you criticize yourself strongly enough, nothing anyone else can say will possibly be as bad. In fact, when others sense your self-blame, they might back off from their own criticism and try to console you instead. But self-flagellation is ultimately self-defeating. It's important to distinguish between hating yourself and hating something you did. "This proves I'm totally worthless" leads to despair and loss of confidence, while "I can't stand when I act that way" can lead to wisdom and determination.
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Relationships often come to a standstill because both parties feel it is time for a change but each one thinks the other should do the changing. While they try to force the change, or wait for it to come about, they refuse to fully accept the other person. This is self-defeating because it usually provokes resistance, or even rebellion, not cooperation. Not only does no one change, but the relationship gets contaminated by resentment and bitterness. Perhaps the most common reason for divorce is that one partner fails to become the person the other dreamed of. Rather than not accepting the other person until he changes, accept him as is and hope he changes. Of course, certain attitudes and behaviors are unacceptable and nonnegotiable. If that's what you're faced with, you have some serious thinking to do. Don't underestimate how difficult it can be - and how miserable you can become - if you try to change someone who has qualities you just cannot accept.
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USABLE INSIGHT: You won't resent having to do something if you choose to do it. TAKING ACTION When others put pressure on you, pause and ask yourself if they are being fair and reasonable. Analyze objectively whether it makes sense for you to do what they're urging you to do. Ask yourself, "If they were to change their opinions, or disappear tomorrow, would I follow their original wishes?" You might draw a blank at first, but if you keep thinking in those terms your deepest desires will eventually emerge. If your own aspirations turn out to be consistent with their expectations, shift your mind-set so that you actively choose that alternative. In this way, you assert that no one else controls you, and you keep your self-esteem.
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Admitting to yourself that you are upset or in pain can make you feel exposed. You fear that acknowledging a bad feeling gives it more power. The pain might get worse. You might not be able to tolerate it. In fact, the opposite is usually true: recognizing a feeling releases pent-up tension and makes you feel better rather than worse. You might also fear that you won't be able to say, "I feel bad" without blaming someone. Then you'll have to either retaliate or, if you blame yourself, feel ashamed. You might even be forced to take action, and that prospect can be frightening: "What if I don't have the skill or wisdom to make things better?" you wonder. "What if I have to do something risky?" It's a lot easier to exempt yourself by not admitting you feel bad in the first place.
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Mentally healthy people feel what they are supposed to feel: when they are angry, they feel anger; when they are sad, they feel sadness. Owning up to the feeling is the first necessary step toward feeling better.
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If you find yourself slipping into an unwanted action, say to yourself, "Oh, I forgot. I don't do this anymore." It's a simple reminder that you have made a commitment to no longer engage in that self-destructive behavior. When you stop the compulsive behavior, tension will increase. Become aware of the physical and emotional sensations. Ask, "What do I feel and where do I feel it?" After you identify the sensations, complete the following sentences: "When I feel this way, it makes me want to_____." "If I do that, the consequences will be _____." "A better thing to do now would be _____." Reward yourself each time you don't give in to an obsession or compulsion. Eventually, feeling that you're no longer in the grip of obsessions and compulsions will be reward enough.
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Taking something personally means assuming that a particular remark or action was intended to hurt you. You might, for example, take a well-meant correction as a criticism, or a disagreement as a put-down, or an innocent comment about a third party as an insult aimed at you.
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USABLE INSIGHT: Just because it's reasonable doesn't mean it's realistic. TAKING ACTION Next time you want something, ask yourself how likely it is to happen. List everything that's necessary to achieve your goal. Look at yourself objectively and evaluate your ability to accomplish what has to be done. Rate your goal on a scale of 1–10 with 1 being totally unrealistic and 10 being a sure thing. The lower the score, the more important it is to have a backup plan that will work. Set your expectation level at "want to have it," "need to have it," or "gotta have it," according to how realistic your goal is. Try not to feel "gotta have it" with a long shot unless you're prepared to be devastated.
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TAKING ACTION One way to show people how much you value them is to demonstrate the Three C's: Concern. Let them express worries, fears and frustrations without interrupting or rushing them. Curiosity. Show an interest in them before they ask you to. "Did you have a good day?" does not convey much interest, whereas "How did that meeting go?" shows that you are aware of, and care about, the details of their lives. Confidence. Show respect for them and faith in their ability to handle problems. Instead of leaping in with advice, ask questions such as "What do you think you'll do next?" or "When will you let them know your decision?"
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Intimacy is built on trust. If you don't trust the other person enough to be yourself, you can't be intimate, and neither can he or she.
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The next time you find yourself putting up a false front, ask yourself why you would want to be around someone who likes what you're not. But before you display yourself in all your truthful splendor, understand that if you reveal too much too soon, you can scare the other person away.
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"The key to success is tolerating boredom." It requires revising, fine tuning, getting the bugs out. If you get excited only by novelty, if you can't tolerate the tedious part of the process, you'll lose patience and quit.
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But the comfort of quitting exacts a steep price, and not just the obvious one, which is not reaching our goals. When we quit repeatedly, we lose credibility in others' eyes, and eventually in our own as well. No one respects a quitter. We also never learn the value of perseverance or the skills needed to work through obstacles and overcome frustration.

[Lizi Chkhartishvili · Rating 2 out of 5]

this book made me feel so smart