When Hello Means Goodbye

by Paul Kirk, Pat Schwiebert

A guide for parents whose child dies before birth, at birth or shortly after birth. This sensitive booklet is a help to families during the early days of their grief. It helps answer questions and prepare parents for the days ahead. It can be given to parents at the first acknowledgment of their baby s death to help them best use the short time they ll have with their little one. Among topics covered collecting keepsakes; ways to celebrate the birth and death of a baby; reasons for seeing, holding and naming a dead baby; emotions common to bereaved parents; information about autopsies; where to find help; and the unique situations of fathers, siblings, and grandparents. Contains beautiful poetry.

Genres: Grief, Family, Adult

53 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 1985

Reviews

[Jane Lebak · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is designed for families whose baby has just died, but we read it initially after our daughter was diagnosed with a terminal birth defect. I read it again before she was born (four months later) and again a week later after her death. Periodically I re-read it to remind myself that although the outside world pretends that nothing happened, that we have every right to grieve for our baby.

When Hello Means Goodbye effectively gives parents permission to fully parent their dead baby as much as is possible in the brief time given them. Parents are encouraged to name, hold, photograph, bathe and dress their baby, as well as sing, cuddle, and share their baby--or anything else they may feel they want to do. Many times people feel it is "wrong" to do these things, but the authors gently and firmly show through other parents' stories, poems and photos that it is the most natural thing in the world. They talk you through the beginnings of grief and give an overview of what to expect as you adjust to life without your little one.

Although brief, this book really helps. Highly recommended for anyone who has lost a baby or who deals with perinatal loss (nurses, doctors, social workers, etc.)

[Jeremy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kara and I were expecting our fourth girl in January 2019. On September 11, 2018, we found out the the baby no longer had a heartbeat. Kara delivered our little Hope on Sept. 12, 2018 (roughly 20 weeks).

This book is written mainly for mothers, but it includes sections for fathers (26), grandparents (27), and children (28–29). Includes practical information about decisions to make, including an autopsy, a funeral home and cemetery, funeral arrangements, etc. But we didn't use this book for any of those things.

Other practical advice include taking pictures of your baby, even if it seems unnatural (black and white is best); many parents wish that they had. Doing so helps combat the fear that you will forget many of the details. Naming the baby (and not saving the name for another child) is also important (16). More practical advice includes how to remember your child during holidays (29–30) and how books can help (37–38).

I was interested in how medical perceptions have changed over time, demonstrating that cultural Christianity can be a very positive force. For example, hospital policies used to treat a miscarriage or stillbirth as a "medical misfortune" and not as "the human tragedy that it is" (1). The book attributes this change to added information and speaking with parents, but I think it's more than that. A related example is that "[i]n the past, mothers of stillborn children or critically ill babies were automatically placed on a ward away from the post-partum area of the hospital," partly to protect bereaved mothers from hearing the cries of other newborns (21). "We now believe that the most helpful and compassionate care we can give you is on the post-partum floor" (21). "In the past, hospital personnel were wrong in thinking that the best thing for parents was to remove the memories of their tragedy as quickly as possible" (30).

7: "You expect to lose your parents, but you do not expect to lose your child." "When your parent dies you've lost your past, but when your child dies you've lost your future."
8: C. S. Lewis: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." [from A Grief Observed]
29: "Children are far more capable of understanding such things than we generally give them credit for."
36: a psychologist, counselor, or pastor can help
42: interesting comparison to "brown" dwarf stars, which "are not quite massive enough to sustain a nuclear fusion reaction at their cores" [see here]

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a good short-form, practical handout that would be suitable for miscarriage or stillbirth care packages. It outlines grief, recovery, and ideas for handling various situations. It is fairly comprehensive but easy to digest—which is useful when trying to care for people in the midst of crisis, who may need bite-size resources rather than lengthy tomes. It is the most practical handbook in this list of books.

[Judith Praag · Rating 5 out of 5]

Coming from the Netherlands in 1994 I was struck by the number of books published in the U.S. about infant loss. This is one of the titles that brought solace during period of grief and mourning after my baby had died at birth in 1993 and the following four miscarriages. There's nothing like recognition of what you've gone through/ are going through yourself...

[Frances Revetria · Rating 4 out of 5]

helpful for these first few weeks after losing our twin boys to Incompetent Cervix. Our boys were born at 21w6d, just shy of being eligible for medical intervention- I'll never forget giving birth to them and then watching them on my chest, try to gasp for almost an hour before slipping away.

Received this book from our hospital when I was discharged. Ordered their other book, Still To Be Born to help us sort out where we go from here. We'll never be the same.

[Renita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Book on grief to prepare you, or after the loss of your baby. It gives suggestions, warnings and advice on what to expect. Would suggest for mother's who have or are grieving.
_____________________

"I am told that time will heal the grief but now I know that it is taking the time to grieve that heals."

[Katieloowho · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great guide, very to the point and helpful. I will be keeping this in my doula library to loan to anyone who is in this situation.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Appreciate the information in this book, could use more, but a good starting point. Was given to me by the hospital. Wish I didn't need to read this.

[Rick Mackinnon · Rating 4 out of 5]

What do you say or do for a mother who's lost their child at, slightly after or before being birthed? This small book helps you hear in the words of these mothers their pain and anger. The authors give psychological insight into a women's mental and emotional situation. A good read as starting point to understanding and helping women cope with their loss.

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a very helpful, non-religious guide for parents whose baby will not or did not live for long after birth. Each section is very brief, it is easy to read only the relevant excerpts, and the information presented is sufficient. The length is deceptive -- this short book is very helpful.

[Karla Renee Goforth Abreu · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book of encouragement for bereaved parents, especially of stillborn babies. This is also helpful for those who are grieving for losses from infant loss beyond stillborn.

[Maddie Borel]

This is an amazing book and descriptive book

[Leann Horn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book!

[Lindsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book is a helpful resource for dealing with infant loss. However, the book is all over the place. The flow and layout are just awful. I feel like it barely skims the surface of many issues. The book didn't quite know what it wanted to be. Did it want to be a source of comforting words? Did it want to be a resource of information to wade through as you could? It is slightly both, but fully neither. It could have just been so much better executed, especially since it is such an important and heavy topic. It felt like a booklet (because it is really too short to be called a proper book) full of random pamphlet information.