Childfree and Loving It!

by Nicki Defago

Childfree and Loving It! is a broad and definitive exploration of non-parenthood, challenging the myths of parenthood and boldly proclaiming the joys of a childfree life.‘The responsibility of parenthood is overwhelming and incredibly stressful. And it’s for life. Don’t give up a pleasant life for a life of unpaid drudgery. Your standard of living drastically declines, and the kids take off as soon as they can, without a backward glance.’ Shirley Conran

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Psychology, Sociology, Self Help, Parenting, Memoir

256 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 28, 2005

Reviews

[Sherri · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a great resource for anyone who has chosen to be child free (you're not alone!), as well as those who may be on the fence about whether they want to have children or not. I even think many parents could benefit from reading this, as it highlights many of the stereotypes, misconceptions and prejudices against child free people.

One of the things I liked most about this book is the way it underscores the fact that people who have chosen to be child free do so after giving the whole notion a great deal of thoughtful consideration. Because, as many of you know, the instant you identify yourself as child free, you will immediately be asked "WHY?!" and you will be expected to defend your position almost as though you've committed a criminal act. Yet, no one ever asks "WHY?!" when someone announces that they want to have children - largely because it's a decision that many people make without ever giving it any real thought.

I think this book is very fair and it's not anti-parenthood in any way. It's really more of a collection of stories form others who have chosen to be child free, presented in a way that lets you know that you're not alone in your decision and that others have "been there".

[Elaine Meszaros · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yup, there it is. This is it, the perfect book for those without a maternal/paternal bone in their bodies (me). I like kids - in very small doses and at certain ages. However, I am more than happy to hand them back. Do I want any? Never! Touching on everything from the big global reason not to have children (overpopulation and resources) to the basic (don’t wanna!) DeFago talks about "the last taboo" - not wanting kids. For those of us who have no desire to spend sleepless nights, gobs of money and the best years of our lives on screaming spawn, this book is a wonderful comfort. Quotes from numerous interviews show a wide range of folks with and without kids. Some were pressured into having children with the lame old "you’ll love them when they’re yours" line (actually, some of those people don’t love them and regret them immensely) to folks who have lived happily without children and can’t imagine ever wanting to change their lives. I sure can’t.

[Peacegal · Rating 4 out of 5]

Childfree people are those who choose not to have children. They range from people who genuinely enjoy being around children--and just don't want any of their own--to those who find kids annoying and stress-inducing and don't wish to be around them at all. Many fall somewhere in the middle.

It perhaps takes the eyes of a childfree person to see how child-centric our culture truly is. A certain type of parent loves to "bingo" us, and the author of this book has been subjected to some especially ghastly ones. One might wonder why parents, if they are so secure in their decision, need to insist that everyone around them breed, as well. It's not difficult to surmise that the "bingoing" person didn't realize that they had a choice in the matter (no, having children is not "just what you do") and feel threatened by those who "got out of" the stress, expense, and drudgery of kids.

But it doesn't end there. Childed people are catered to by our state and national governments. Every tax season I hear parents boasting of getting two or three thousand back on their tax returns; my husband and I get about 100 bucks each. People with kids can apply for all sorts of government assistance in addition to their tax breaks, and more kids equals more money--they're like big factories and industrial farms being bailed out by Uncle Sam.

Childfree adults who wish to be sterilized will find it very tough going. A woman in her twenties who has a baby will be endlessly celebrated and seen as right and normal, while a woman the same age who wishes for a tubal ligation can expect to be patronized and told she doesn't really know what she wants to do with her own life. What if the woman pushing a stroller was told that she was just going through a phase, and that she'd change her mind and regret it someday?! Many doctors will refuse to sterilize an adult until they reach age 35, some even demand they wait until age 40, and some will refuse at any age if the person has no children! There are breederiffic gynecologists who are so obsessed with the almighty womb that they will refuse a sick and suffering woman a hysterectomy--in essence valuing nonexistent children over the very real person standing in front of them.

Finally, perhaps no entity pushes the relentless bingo like the media. Babies and small kids have been an advertising gimmick since the beginning of the art--including for products that have absolutely nothing to do with kids. Advertisers want to ensure they have plenty of consumers to buy their products well into the future, so it makes sense they would push the Life Script to everyone. TV and movies, too, of course, push the breeding bingos relentlessly. No one on TV seems to understand how to use birth control correctly, and they all exist in a parallel America in which abortion doesn't exist. People who don't want children are always shown the error of their ways before the closing credits, and their opposition or ambivalence turns into shiny happy Kodak moments. Is it any wonder why the childfree person is unfairly vilified?

[Martha☀ · Rating 4 out of 5]

25 years ago, I was absolutely on the fence about becoming a mother. As soon as my husband and I were back from our honeymoon, the inquiries about 'our family' were constant. Although we truly expected that we'd have two or three children, we kept answering 'It's on the 5 year plan'. 5 years went by and we'd say it again.

Honestly, we were just having too much fun being adventurous, traveling, racing, being together, building our lives.

I started to imagine a life without children. Wouldn't it just be more of the same - fun and adventure, freedom and no obligation? If we did have kids, would we resent the loss of adventure, race opportunities, peace and quiet, together time?

I didn't know anyone who was childless so ... I went to the libraries and the bookstores and VERY early internet forums to learn something - anything - about the downside of not procreating.

This is a book that I searched for back then - but didn't find it until very recently (thank you, torrent searches!) Back then, I had read quite a lot of Nicki Defago, the outspoken childfree author, but this book was elusive.

Defago is ... Angry? Opinionated? Ready for a fight? And it shows in her writing. She is ticked off that others would dare to make judgements about how she lives her life, uses her body and spends her time (and $$$). In this book, she occasionally rants at the top of lungs. This oppositional attitude is the reason I didn't award 5 stars.

But, for the most part, this is a collection of interviews - not just from childfree people but from any adult who had an opinion about child-rearing. Loving parents with very loved children are represented, as are childless couples who were never able to have their own children, mentally unstable people who chose not to pass their genes on, gay couples who weren't permitted to adopt (at the time), young adults who were denied voluntary sterilization, disillusioned parents who didn't realize that having children was a choice and people like me who were having too much fun to conform to society's expectations.

The interviews are anonymous which makes for some pretty revealing and juicy content. But mostly it allowed people to speak very candidly about bringing children into the world.

This is a book that I would pass on to any young adult. It is SO important that people realize that having children is truly a choice. Whatever your choice is doesn't matter, as long as you give the idea some thought, some time to percolate and arrive at a decision that is YOURS, no matter your parents' or even your partner's wishes.

This year, my husband and I will touch 30 years of marriage - the happiest and most stable relationship I have ever heard of. Children would have changed our dynamic and that alone is my reason for leaving them out of our lives.

[Moni Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like other reviewers, I appreciated the approach that the author took, that she wasn't anti-children. This is a book for people who just don't want to be parents. I wish there were more books like this out there. For years I kind of thought something was wrong with me because I just haven't had the desire to be a parent. I love children (I work with them) but when thoughts of parenthood come up I cringe. It nice to know that I'm not crazy and there are other people out there who feel the same. And that choosing not have children is a viable option.

[KP · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was hoping for a book that would give me some nice interviews with people who chose not to have kids, with ideas about what they did with their adult lives that were childfree. What I got instead was, yes, interviews, but largely angry ones complaining about how easy parents have it and how much governments and workplaces and society "gives" them, which... was really not my cup of tea.

While some of the interviews were nice, with people just laying out their reasons for not wanting kids, or not getting around to it, a lot of them were with people who seemed to hate kids, and hate people who have them. As someone who adores children, just doesn't necessarily want them, this was extremely off putting and at times distressing, depending on the level of vitriol leveled at the kids and parents.

Furthermore, this book had a truly disconcerting political slant to it that, though masked in liberalism, was largely imperialistic and classist. In the chapter about overcrowding, there was definitely an undercurrent of "good" foreigners and "bad" foreigners, with the countries that have a higher birth rate being cast in a bad light and treated as immoral. The classism present throughout was also rather gross, with a mix of references to council estates in a negative frame, complaints about taxes going to families instead of what childfree people want them to go to, and the immediate assumption that if you're childfree you're going to be doing a lot of traveling. (What about the working class childfree folks? What the heck are they supposed to do? Also, all these childfree people seem to be freelance or work a very flexible schedule, given that they talk about having the freedom to structure their day however they want. There is no room for working class people in this book- all the working class folks are cast as the nasty breeders who have babies, which, again, truly unsettling.)

I am sure people who really don't like kids and want to be childfree will enjoy this book, because it will absolutely back of their worldview. But I largely just found it distressing. I don't want kids, but I don't want to be lumped in with these people, who seems to think children are vermin and that people who have kids are unethical and foolish. That's not me, and this book did not work for me. I eventually had to stop reading it, and so if it gets better after Chapter 10, that's great- but as there are only 12 chapters and a short "part two", that's still pretty bad.

All in all, extremely disappointing, and left me unsatisfied still. I want voices that I can understand, voices that help me to contextualize my choice- not voices that seem to think that childfree people are in some way superior.

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book for its honest approach. I wasn't reproachful to mothers for choosing that path but a gentle reminder that not everyone wants to choose a child-filled existence. It was refreshing to hear something other than "children are the best thing that will ever happen to you" or even worse "you'll change your mind when you get older" - yes, that may be true but for now, please respect my opinion and don't belittle me for not loving children. I could definitely relate to the idea that child-free adults are spoken down to, treated like they don't know what is best, whereas if a child-free adult did this to a parent, they would be outraged.
I also like some of the honest extracts of mothers who gave a frank account of their dislike for motherhood - not that they didn't love their children but that motherhood was not for them. It is unusual to find a mother willing to admit this (whether this is because there are few out there who feel this or whether they are too scared to admit it is another issue).

[Tabbie Holmes · Rating 5 out of 5]

“People have asked me, ‘What if your mother had said she didn’t want children?’ and I’ve replied, ‘Then you’d be standing here talking to yourself.’”

“Mothers are quick to claim that children change their lives in a miraculous way and there are those that imply that childfree women lead selfish and indulgent lives. But I haven’t noticed that beauty salons, hairdressers, and Harvey Nichols are empty of mothers.”

“I don’t mind being asked if I have children— it’s a question I ask others myself— but I do mind being criticized for my decision when I’d rather be relaxing. If someone tells me they have children, I always take a genuine interest and sometimes feel that I’m bending over backwards to ensure the conversation is congenial, but most parents think nothing of offering their own, often highly charged views. I’ve been the reluctant subject of countless one-way invectives, though in a social or personal setting I wouldn’t dream of questioning individual parent’s decision to have had children. How rude would it seem if I were to say, ‘You have kids? You’re so misguided!’ Yet it happens, routinely, in reverse.”

“Parents are often the ones to use saccharine phrases like ‘we must protect the environment for our children’s children,’ but they ignore the stark reality that reproduction itself is the single factor most likely to result in their descendants living in a hell hole.”

[Allyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful book that I almost couldn't put down until I'd finished. Though the author does express relief at her childfree lifestyle, the book is not written with any triumph or spite. It is a very honest, sometimes heartbreaking, look at what can happen when people have children for the wrong reasons, and the beautiful life you can lead without children.

I must warn that it is slightly depressing, particularly if you are a childfree person, to read about these parents who have children and absolutely hate their lives. On the other hand, parents tend to keep the negatives of parenting out of sight and it's no wonder that prospective parents have rose tinted glasses about the whole thing. It truly is a good book both for the childfree and those considering having children.

And on a personal note this book has most definitely affirmed my decision to remain a childfree woman. :)

[Jill Dunlap · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gives people who don't want kids some really good coping mechanisms for dealing with other people's rude comments to their goal to remain childfree. It's a good idea for anyone to read this book - especially those who plan to have children. Because as she shows in the book, having children is the default, you have explain why you wouldn't want to have kids, rather than parents having to explain why they've chosen to have kids.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love love love that this is available and out there to validate my choices.

[Cheyenne Blue · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was preaching to the converted as far as I am concerned. I have never wanted children and never wavered in that stance. Ever. Now, I look back and feel unutterably grateful that I didn't fall into the parenthood trap. But that's me, and certainly isn't a majority of people.

The book outlines many usual and less usual reasons for remaining childfree: freedom and finances are up there at the top, but also covered are privacy, time to oneself, the perils of overpopulation, and the desire not to leave a child in the world in its current state (which has only got worse since this book was written in 2002) and a desire to live one's own life and not put that on hold to start raising a child. There's many personal stories interspersed in the book.

The book is written in a relaxed and entertaining way. It's not anti-children, it's not strident, it aims to simply put forward the many reasons to remain childfree and the benefits of same (hey, childfree people are happier! Childfree couples are proven to be definitely happier than their childed counterparts).

It is somewhat showing its age now though. Since 2002, things have changed a fair bit and childfree is now a lot more accepted. I work with several happy childfree people; we're no longer the outliers, and a workplace where personal leave is personal leave, whether you or your child is sick, it's all the same (and the same amount). That wasn't always the case though. I doubt this book will convert anyone though. It will reinforce the views of the happily childfree, but I doubt it will overcome the hormones, instincts and society's general urging of others to reproduce.

One quibble about the book: it's written entirely from a heterosexual viewpoint and makes the assumption that LGBTI folk will not have or want children. Even in the dark ages of 2002, this was most definitely not the case.

Four solid stars.

[ReBecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

The topic of children and parenthood is always a touchy subject where everyone seems to have an opinion about it. No matter where you are on the spectrum when it comes to having children, you will be judged. If you don't want children, people give you crap for being "selfish"; family and friends nag you about continuing the family name/legacy, or people are inclined to tell you that you will change your mind. If you have only one child, you are constantly asked when you will have another and that the child needs a sibling. If you have more than two, you are judged for having too many. It's a losing battle that has continued generation after generation.

Childfree and Loving It by Nicki Defago is a book that I would recommend to all, whether you want kids or you don't. The book hits on a majority of reasons why many do not want to have kids, but it also highlights many of the stereotypes, misconceptions, and prejudices against child-free people. I appreciated how Defago collected a wide range of perspectives. Readers got to hear from those who enjoy kids but don't want them, those that are indifferent towards kids, and those who find kids annoying and want nothing to do with them. The only flaw I have about this book is that it was published in 2005, almost 20 years ago. While many of the topics are still true the stats throughout the book were outdated. I would be interested to see an update on the stats to see how things have changed in the last 20 years.

Being child-free has by no means become a norm or accepted by society. My only hope is that as more people choose not to procreate, society becomes more accepting. There is so much pressure surrounding having kids when honestly, it should be nobody's business, but the individuals themselves.

[Rosie · Rating 5 out of 5]

fantastic book so easy to read. read it in 3 days flat. so refreshing to read not alone in my feelings since i was 10 yrs old- which i knew i wouldn't 'grow out of' as the adults said but by 13 i knew i wouldnt because i was so adament- and it balances it out very nicely with the pros and cons if you are undecided with many great tips for dealing with the inevitable "questions" which i will certainly use in future. thankfully I never was, because this is as second nature for me, as natural for me as it is for many women to want kids.

[Wellington · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good thing I gave myself a few weeks between reading this book and a gathering later this month I have with the new mothers in my life. Refreshingly, this book does not attack with fire breathing bitterness. It just asks politely to make a mindful decision before becoming a parent. Then, plainly offers some reasons to consider becoming child-free and publishes admissions from people around the world on the subject.

[Jenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A breath of fresh air for those who choose to be happily childfree.

[Mrs. Schonour · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book to gain perspective on having children and what it's like to decide not to have children. It was the most helpful book on the topic.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another good book about living childfree. The tone of this one was definitely geared more toward those who have chosen to be or are leaning toward being childfree and definitely less of an exploration of both sides. I sensed little concern from the author to seem unbiased or overly sensitive to people who choose to have kids. This was published in the UK and is therefore pretty eurocentric (with the inclusion of Australia and New Zealand), but still applicable to the US. I felt that this book gave me better fact- and opinion-based arguments for not having children than other texts, the most valuable being the excerpts from people with children who are not satisfied or fulfilled by parenthood. I actually wished there had been more of these first-person accounts because I found them incredibly intriguing considering the silence surrounding the harsh realities of birth and child rearing. The "challenges" of living childfree were less emphasized in this book, the idea being that there aren't really "challenges" to being childfree, just misconceptions, generalizations, and prejudices, largely from those who are parents and from the pronatalist society in which we live. Recommended to those exploring the topic if you're able to get your hands on it (I had to request an ILL).

[Andrea Dowd · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great book for anyone without or with children, who may never want children or who have twenty! It touches on societal pressures of motherhood/parenthood and why it's important to support those who choose to go in a different direction. This is a great and positive read and does not condone the choices our childbearing friends and family members make! Rather, "Childfree and Loving It" makes a point to gather up historical studies, sociological reasoning, economic and environmental points as well as letters and interviews from both women and men, childfree and child-rearing folks from all over the world to discuss the ups and downs of the child-centric choices they've made.

[Jenni · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who is childfree not only by choice but by circumstance, it's refreshing to see a book that explores the lifestyle without being too biased, or judgemental.

I would actually suggest that people who don't understand the childfree lifestyle read it too, because it sums up many of the reasons that we have for this choice concisely and fairly.

Though I felt at times there was an air of superiority on the part of the author, it was not pervasive or obnoxious, and it was, overall, a comfortable read.

[Michael Hoskins · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good, self affirming book for people who don't want children. I didn't much when I was younger, but eventually came around. But it gives good and solid reasons why it is not abnormal practice to forego kids and live a single life or as a childless couple. Recommended to me by a relative who is childfree.

[Kendra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyable read, far more detailing on folks views on why they didn't have kids. Also quotes from folks who did and regretted it. Mostly based on England and Australia along with the US, but some interesting comments from other locations.

[Rebekah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Even-handed, but outdated and pretty basic. Would have preferred more sociological analysis rather than hundreds of cluttered quotes.

[Tecla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved it!

[Aya · Rating 5 out of 5]

It blows my mind that this book was written in 2005. Decades later, and not much has changed. The book is as relevant as ever.

[Dianne Landry · Rating 3 out of 5]

As someone who always knew she didn't want children, I have heard every single cliché there is. I don't know how many times when I was in my 20s and 30s well meaning family members told me I would regret my decision. For this reason I enjoyed reading a book about other people who made the same choice and what it was like for them.

I just want to say, I am 58 and have the most wonderful, loving relationship with many of my cousins' children and grandchildren as well as my partner's kids so really, I got the best of both worlds.

[Eman E. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally, a trusted resource on living life child-free! This book contains interviews with people who has children and those who don’t, the author also uses research papers and articles to prove her point. If you are in doubt about whether you should or shouldn’t have children, I highly recommend reading this book.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and how it dealt with the topic of choosing to be childfree (and the point that it really is a choice). The author did a really nice job of mixing solid research with examples from interviews and discussions about how both parents and non-parents feel about their decisions. When I think about the reasons I'm childfree, so many of them are personal and difficult to discuss without feeling offended by people's reactions, or inadvertently offending people who don't understand, and this book gave me so many other things to think about. I feel like I have a better grasp on how to talk about how I feel, rather than just feeling lost when people don't understand or try to talk over me about how my decision isn't right or my accomplishments aren't as important because I don't have children.
There were a couple passages that I thought were a little judgmental, even slightly passive-aggressive, but overall I think it was well-researched, well thought out, and well-written.

[Dinah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun and full of fascinating viewpoints—all over the map—on having children. Suffers a bit from a very UK-centric colloquial voice and cultural references; even with my foundation of watching lots of British shows on U.S. public TV and having lived a year in the UK, some references were lost on me. Ironically, the very day I finished it, a younger female soon-to-be in-law gave me the old "Oh wait and see! You'll change your mind!" pressure to have kids. Somehow I restrained myself from saying with a similarly gleeful grin, "Oh wait and see! You'll miss this freedom and flexibility so much!" ;)

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the better books out there about the childfree lifestyle. It gives real life testimonials and perspective from all sides: childfree by choice, parents who are happy they are parents, undecided, and parents who wished they hadn't had kids. Something I found interesting, there were no childfree who regret their decision. It's not because the author chose not to cover them in this book, it's just that nobody identified themselves that way. I found that quite interesting as there were plenty of people who admitted they regretted having children.