Loving Women: Being Lesbian in Unprivileged India

by Maya Sharma

By a leading feminist scholar, covers contemporary lesbian scene in India, religious and social issues, role of lesbians in the women's movement. also politics. basic review

Genres: LGBT, Nonfiction, India, Lesbian, Queer, Feminism, Queer Studies

191 pages, Paperback

First published February 2, 2006

Reviews

[Jess · Rating 3 out of 5]

I felt deeply uncomfortable with much of this book’s methodology and epistemology. The author has made a valuable contribution to fieldwork in this field- the author allows rural and poor Indian women to talk in their own words about how they experience same-sex desire. Nb- I am talking about people afab, as the book gives no context as to sexuality in India. Sharma clearly has an academic background, which is why I find her methods particularly troubling. She knowingly puts the women interviewed at potential risk of harm by interviewing them without discretion, and interrupting their families (as due to cultural factors often the family is present during the interview process). Additionally, some of the interviewees use male pronouns, and position themselves as being in male/female relationships. Sharma calls her subjects women and refers to these relationships as lesbian, whereas much scholarship notes that this term isn’t sufficiently inclusive- indeed, sexual behaviour may be a more useful framework than sexual identity. I would have thought it would be necessary to consider sodomy laws and British colonial law to see what is responsible for shaping attitudes towards female same-sex behaviour in India. The attitude of many parents towards such relationships in the book vary significantly, and it’s difficult to ascertain what the sources of these differences are. Perhaps I was looking for a more academic book than this book was intended as- as a result, I think it is useful to seek a more comprehensive overview of female same-sex relations in India elsewhere.

[fabliha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow wow wow. So many feelings. I wonder where the lesbians in the stories are today? Most of them are just a few years older than my own mother.

It was so incredible to read stories on working class women from dalit and Muslim backgrounds! I was upset that Sharma kept referring to Vimlesh as “she” even though he consistently said that he identifies as a man. But I’m also happy to see that in Sharma’s works later, she has a deeper understanding of transness and to see her growth.

This book will forever have a soft spot in my heart <3 I love being a lesbian!

[Gargi Arya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Doing justice to its name. Putting out hard realities faced by women. I am glad to have read this book.

[Emmaby Barton Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Few, if any, have broken so many silences simultaneously: speaking of class within the sexuality movement to remind urban, upper class queer communities that other expressions and realities of sexualities exist outside our languages… speaking of lives lived outside definable and bound imaginations of our society that, at times, are so immeasurably suppressed that even the teller can merely allude to the truth rather than simply stating it out loud.”

god this was such an interesting book - so different from other anthologies of stories that i’ve read. the stories focussed a lot on the general lives of these women rather than their sexualities and experiences as lesbians specifically, which i wasn’t expecting, but i think serves as a good reminder of the nuance and complexity of human lives, especially for these women whose disadvantage and lived experience prevents them from living as lesbians in the same i would consider to be a lesbian etc. this will be a messy review but i think thats fitting given i think, given this book shows how we can’t put these experiences neatly into boxes… (with that being said this review does not do my thoughts justice at all...)

“In the face of overwhelming opposition and intractable circumstances, they have tried to realise their dreams. It is humbling to interact with such heroism, which will never be celebrated but instead battles daily with the constant threat of being disgraced, ostracised or even killed. These so-called ordinary, obscure, anonymous lives are in fact quite extraordinary.”

i am in awe of these women who endure so many terrible experiences, who find themselves and each other and persist despite these struggles, their incredible bravery to even speak with maya and share these experiences, let alone act on/embrace their identities (and even if they don’t!). so grateful to be able to read about such diverse experiences and see that we exist everywhere and how much strength these women have

(i think realistically this book is a 4 - i wish there was more nuance/it was easier to read at some points, that the ethics were considered more etc... but i can't give it anything less than a 5 for giving voices to the most voiceless and allowing their experiences to be highlighted. i just feel so honoured? in awe of these women? humbled? idk. this collection really moved me and moves me more and more the more i think about it...)

(also a random sweet quote: “I named my daughters in such a way that the last syllables of one become the first letters of the next one's name.”)

have tried to separate my thoughts into some key themes but there is so much overlap!

what’s in a name? identities and labels

“It must be pointed out here that at some level we clearly found a single category implied by the use of the word 'lesbian' restrictive, and unrepresentative of the complexities of same-sex relationships, as well as of the ground realities that intersected with caste, class and other factors (which often included marriage, husband and children). But for this project we made a conscious decision to use the word 'lesbian' precisely because it was a word 'so loaded with fear and embarrassment and prejudice, a word shrouded in silence, a whisper that spoke of an identity that must be hidden from others, that frightening word that dare not cross any threshold' (Caleri Report 1999: 17). When we use the word 'lesbian', we do so consciously as activists involved in the struggle for human rights. We are aware that the hegemonic use of one specific word can effectively silence a diverse and shifting range of sexual/social orientations, identities and practices. During the course of our work, the immensely fraught and complex nature of the material affected us personally and contextually, and at times rendered our preconceptions of identity categories irrelevant. We had to continually adapt, invent, defer and detour while attempting to understand the selfhood of our subjects. However the usage of the word 'lesbian' represents our continual efforts to build a politicised identity integral to the rhetoric of gay rights and human rights, since we consider our work to be political and consider lesbians to be valid political subjects, even though we live out the political/legal absurdity of having no status in the eyes of Indian law.”

“The norms and pressures of marriage, traditional family structures and daily struggles of material survival intersect with moments of inexplicable transcendence, built around the love between these two women. Their difficult times, their giving and taking, their mutual support, their interdependence, cannot all be classified as one identity, or contained in one. Therefore, our effort in presenting the facts as they are is problematic. We see the intimate connection between these two women as an example of how fluid the lines are between a sexual relation and an emotional bond. We read a lesbian identity, impose an orientation, rely on a conditioned perception. We admit that our purpose of rendering this particular 'lesbian' identity visible comes up against peculiar complications. Such a deep-rooted, flexible and sustained interweaving of consciousnesses and destinies, evidenced in this story, defies the simple narration of supposedly simple facts. Our own ideological need to establish a single identity for our subjects in this context is countered by our interaction with such women, whose lives are proof that no one identity fully expresses even limited truths. Facing these inevitable contradictions, we have tried to narrate the[se stories] that refute easy interpretation and convenient categorisation.”

this book raised a lot of questions about identities and labels - a lot of women didn’t use the word lesbian - either because they’d never heard of it, felt uncomfortable using it, associated it with the western world, or perhaps, simply just didn’t identify with it. so what does it mean then for this label to be imposed on them by maya? for her to impose/assume this western/colonial label on them? to assume that we know their identity better than them? how do we provide information without imposing (westernised and colonial) assumptions? but equally, many of these women’s experiences don’t conform with straightforward narratives/definitions of lesbianism - so is it resistance/positive to resist these straightforward narratives and instead expand what it means to be lesbian? for it to encompass more than we might initially consider it to be? (sexual relationships, female friendships, political lesbianism etc) and how does this tie in with the fact that many of these women didn’t know this term existed? are there more culturally relevant/appropriate terms they would identity with more? does it (figuring out a specific label/identity) even matter at the end of the day? and who are we to say if any of this is more right or wrong? but who am i to judge how they define themselves or assume i know better?

“You know what? I think every woman is a lesbian at heart. What does it mean when women say, This is my best friend? Indirectly they are expressing their love for women. This is my personal opinion. Women love one another. . .”

for example, there were some people (vimlesh) where it seems the label lesbian is imposed by maya (hated her misgendering here) when perhaps man is better suited. or does vimlesh align himself as a man because he views being a man as a more realistic possibility/more acceptable for soceity than being a lesbian? or would she identity as male regardless? and does this matter if its what feels true to her either way? and do other women (such as juhi and her daughters) align with lesbianism because they see it as an escape from patriarchy and oppression and marriage (rather than actually being a lesbian - for example many women talk about how other women’s love is good in the context of how it contrasts to how they have been negatively treated by men)?

(juhi’s perceptions and opinions were so interesting i don’t quite know what to make of them! both in terms of how positive her perceptions were, and how openly she talks about them - and how this so starkly contrasts the other stories. i wonder why this is the case? but still sad she says how she still wasn’t able to escape marriage despite these feelings :/)

silence and nuance and messiness and what is and isn’t said or known

reading the book, you very clearly get the impression that there is so so much complexity and nuance within these stories. there is no ‘single’ story. different people in each women’s lives tell the same story in many different ways. even the same women tell their story differently. that isn’t to say any version is more or less correct (though of course that is sometimes the case) but a reminder that people percieve things differently and these perceptions are influenced by context and privilege and so many factors (and linking in with my above thoughts, how does this silence influence how people identify? and what is shared?)

this did make it hard to follow what happened in some of the stories though! it does also make me wonder how these women would tell their stories now, 25 years later, living in a different world and/or with different understandings and exposures of/to sexuality etc. and how their stories and what they shared were influenced by their need to censor themselves at the time. amongst the silences, mary's story particularly stood out to me - her ability and willingness to talk freely and openly in ways the other women couldn't - something we take for granted so often when reading people’s stories….. we get a much greater insight into her life. from her own words rather than author speculation etc. had to really challenge myself to remember that this didn’t make her story more valuable, and indeed makes it even more important to highlight these silent/censored voices and stories that are difficult to tell and understand

i also appreciated that this greyness and messiness and nuance was embraced - it didn’t try and depict there to be one clear story or answer, even when that would have been easier. nor did it attempt to conform to respectability politics or try and portray these women as perfect.

importance of representation

“'Why didn't you tell us about this earlier? Why have you been silent for so long?' we asked. 'Where was the space to talk about such things?' she retorted fiercely. 'This was never a topic for conversation, no one made it an issue, how could I bring it up on my own? There was no forum for anyone to talk about women who loved women. Until I came into the single women's group, and till I attended the Tirupati conference on women's rights, I had not heard the word lesbian.'”

in-line with this, breaking the silence and providing representation is so so important - the importance of talking about these things, trying to fill in the silences, provide words and show possibilities, how these discussions allowed some women to admit things to maya and her group and perhaps themselves for the first time ever. makes me think about how many women never realise they are queer because it just doesn’t occur to them it is possible. thinking about how it didn’t occur to be possible to me, a woman who grew up in 21st century australia, until i was 19 - and imagining how much more difficult it is for so many other women - and while, as i mention later, many of us find ourselves and each other regardless, there must be so many of us who don’t :(

intersections

gained a lot of insights into how these women’s identities and experiences influence not only their sexuality, but their lives - caste, religion, family, education, ability to speak english, socioeconomic status, honour, culture etc. - including specific factors we might not consider in a western context - e.g., lack of reach of women’s rights movements to rural areas and slums, “for women, homes are never private” (versus we conceptualise homes as private spaces in feminism often), so much of girls’ fates rely on their parents and their opinions/views, “for poor people, honour is the only wealth we have”, the anonymity the city provides but the privilege needed to access it

every story reiterated the importance of listening to diverse voices and from the most marginalised - despite - or because of - how difficult and rare it is to hear from such people. am so grateful to get to hear their experiences

lesbians and women-loving women are everwhere and universal <3

“What is the meaning of all this in my life, I ask myself? Well, this is love. We love each other. Love has many ways to express itself. I only know what I have experienced. . . . It is simply so comforting to be with her.”

“And the memory of our love is is as precious as gold.”

“It is something very deep, as if we always knew one another. It feels as if I have come home at last, as if I have found myself at last. All I can say is, we were crazy about one another.”

one of my favourite things was realising again and again just how universal our love is. we (wlw) exist everywhere!!! regardless of education, caste, religion, ethnicity, location, socioeconomic status… everywhere, there are women who love other women (i include nb etc people in this!!) - and that is true regardless of how much of a silence/ignorance/hatred of us exists. we have always exist and continue to persist regardless. even when no name for it exists, we exist and continue to find each other. struggling and resisting and persisting and loving and living in so many ways everywhere.

while minimal, and often coded/not framed explicitly, it was so heartwarming every time one of these women spoke about their love for other women. especially when they did so explicitly. but also makes me sad for all the women who, as a result of these silences and biases, don’t get to discover and/or live as their true selves, or are denied it fully :(

ethical questions

i did wonder a lot about the ethics of curating this collection though - how do they know if they are doing more good than harm? providing false hope? how many of these women faced retribution from their families/communities as a result of these visits? how much agency do these women have in speaking with maya? in how much is explained about what the book is about if they can’t speak openly in front of their families?

“No one, especially researchers like me, had any right to question their choices or the strategies that allowed these choices to be implemented in whatever manner served the couple best.”

as maya and some of the participants note - there are also inherent power imbalances - maya’s privileges, the way she knows more about their lives than hers etc. - but need to remember these women are equal to us - not people to be rescued or pitied or viewed as helpless or inferior - they still have some agency and autonomy and independent minds despite their circumstances (of course, we can also recognise the many ways their agency/autonomy is unfortunately very restricted/imposed on) (this is not worded very eloquently i’m afraid)

“In the effort to get this critical information, if I was given only silence and ambiguity, then this was the material I would have to work with. If the silence could not be or were not to be broken, I could at least render that silence visible, acknowledge its presence, its power, its contradictions, and its inevitable consequences.”

of course, maya acknowledges all of these ethical questions, and i think ultimately there’s isn’t really any right answer - there is no completely ethical way to share these women’s stories - and that is precisely part of the reason why sharing their stories is so important

[Rosun Rajkumar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loving women: being lesbian in underprivileged India by Maya Sharma.
Genre: non-fiction
My Rating: 4/5

"... until 2001, there were no statistics on lesbians in India."

Why is the term 'lesbian' political? Why has the heterosexist rhetoric of the Women's movement in India ignored and wantonly shunned female homosexuality? Maya Sharma takes us into small towns and villages where young girls, unemployed women and women with blue-coloured jobs are battling for their identity and in some cases, survival. There is only one link between these women across caste, class and religion- they are women who love women. Homosexuals are disadvantaged as a universal rule, more so women.
She takes us through the 90's and early 2000's. The movie- Fire which shows 'indecent relationship' between two women has been banned. The collective morality of the nation has woken up. The word 'Lesbian' has shot to front pages on national newspapers.

I enjoyed reading the various narratives across towns and villages. These are people don't have the word 'Lesbian' or 'Trans' or LGBTQ+ in their public language. However, the 'field study' at times, crosses into anecdotes which is almost dangerous. I read the kindle version which was terribly formatted. This was an interesting education in female homosexuality in India nonetheless.

[Prathyush Parasuraman · Rating 3 out of 5]

The introduction written by Maya Sharma tracking the Genesis of the lesbian movement and its frictions with the feminist movement is very interesting from a research perspective. The book itself feels hastily put together, some stories often meandering nowhere. It is seminal for the time it came out in, and certainly peddles in empathy, and thats not a bad thing.

[✩☽ · Rating 5 out of 5]

essential reading but the editor's afterword referring to the author and the other women in this book as "queer" after the author explained in the introduction why she made the deliberate choice to use the word lesbian specifically .... really beyond parody.

[POOJA · Rating 5 out of 5]

Earlier in India it was thought that only urban women have a lesbian 'fetish' and it was considered a phase. However after Maya Sharma released 'Loving Women: Being Lesbian in Unprivileged India' in 2006 which has real life stories of rural Indian lesbians; we now know that lesbians are not la-di-da people.

Till date, LGBTQA+ identity has been constricted to an elitist status of people who have used an intellectual way of classifying human beings into many genders and many sexual orientations. However a woman who does not even know the term 'lesbian' or 'WLW' can still be one based on her feelings and desire for another woman.

I love the inclusive approach taken by Maya which was based more on emotions which the women felt towards each other irrespective of caste, class, educational qualifications, employment status, etc. and telling their stories in their own words rather than classifying them in any 'intellectual' manner.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NB7SW...

[Aruna Kumar Gadepalli · Rating 4 out of 5]

This collection contains 10 stories based on research. Stories of women in the unprivileged society, marginalized communities. The introduction to the book gives the whole perspective of the women's movement where the middle-class issues were mostly dominated and this book gives a picture of how the issues related to women from rural communities and the stories are narrated.

[Samuel So · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow so interesting to read sapphic stories that reflected across classes, castes, and religions in rural India. I like the way it’s written as an observer and researcher pov