The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship

by Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, James Witte

Based on data obtained from nearly 100,000 respondents, here is the ultimate resource for anyone who wants to learn the relationship-tested ways couples can achieve satisfaction and contentment in areas such as communication, sex, affection, and financial cooperation.



What constitutes "normal" behavior among happy couples? What steps you should take if that "normal" is one you want to strive for? To help answer those questions, wellness entrepreneur Chrisanna Northrup teamed with two of America's top sociologists, Yale Ph.D. Pepper Schwartz and Harvard Ph.D. James Witte, to design a unique interactive survey that would draw feedback from around the world.

What has resulted is the clearest picture yet of how well couples are communicating, romancing each other, satisfying each other in the bedroom, sharing financial responsibilities, and staying faithful - or not. Since the Normal Bar survey methodology sorts for age and gender, racial and geographic differences and sexual preferences, the authors are able to reveal, for example, what happens to passion as we grow older, which gender wants what when it comes to sex, the factors that spur marital combat, how kids figure in, how being gay or bisexual turns out to be both different and the same, and -regardless of background -- the tiny habits that drive partners absolutely batty.

The book is dense with revelations, from the unexpected popularity of certain sexual positions, to the average number of times happy - and unhappy -- couples kiss, to the prevalence of lying, to the surprising loyalty most men and women feel for their partner (even when in a deteriorating relationship), to the vivid and idiosyncratic ways individuals of different ages, genders and nationalities describe their "ideal romantic evening."

Much more than a peek behind the relationship curtain, The Normal Bar offers readers an array of prescriptive tools that will help them establish a "new normal." Mindful of what keeps couples stuck in ruts, the book's authors suggest practical and life-changing ways to break cycles of disappointment and frustration.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Psychology, Romance, Marriage, Audiobook

304 pages, Hardcover

First published September 25, 2012

Reviews

[Jane · Rating 2 out of 5]

Even though it's talking about the statistical norm, there's something about the title of this book that's deeply objectionable. It's not pop psychology; it's barely even Anthropology Lite. It's crowdsourced opinions about relationship satisfaction, which might be interesting as a listicle, but not so much as a full book. I was looking forward to some good infographics or otherwise easily digestible statistics, and what I got was anecdata and superficially extrapolated advice with a side of percentages. A lot of it is of the "no duh" variety: happy people communicate well, make each other feel wanted and appreciated, and work on being good partners. Unhappy people tend not to do those so well.

[Malin Friess · Rating 4 out of 5]

So what is normal in a relationship? Not what is right and wrong, but what is statisically normal?
These PhD's collected data from 70,000 couples to answer that question:

65% of women would get plastic surgery if they had unlimited money (45% of men would).
22% of couples said they have never had a heated argument (48% have one weekly)
61% of men and 60% of women find their jobs rewarding
54% of couples read their partner's e-mail

The statistics goes on and become more graphic (who sleeps in the nude, and then some). Maybe this book is fascinating to gawk at.... and acknowledge that many couples remain together and are functionally disfunctional. I'm not sure if exposing how distrust, infidelity, cheating, etc is helpful..it comes across like who statiscally can share the worst war story.

On the other hand..I give these authors credit for putting up some hard numbers in what can often be such a soft/mushy pseudoscience of relationships.

And from a Christian perspective the premise (that your spouse is meant to make you happy) is faulty. While I believe God desires happy marriages..I think spouses are meant to challenge, refine, and turn your weaknesses to strength as you learn that marriage is more about commitment and sacrifice (real love) and less about yourself.

[Lorilin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up at the library after seeing it referenced in Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (an excellent book, btw). What an intriguing read. It is more anecdotal than scientific. The information is based on an online survey composed of hundreds of relationship questions taken by 70,000+ people in several different countries.

The chapters cover some of the usual relationship topics: sex and intimacy, communication, fidelity, honesty, physical appearance, addictions, kids, etc. Though I don't consider this info to be a representative sample of the world or even the US, it still is interesting to see the responses to the survey and read the conclusions of Northrup and her colleagues. There's obviously no true "normal," but it's still nice sometimes to see how you and your relationship compare to "the other."

[Randy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very quick read, much faster than its 290 pages would indicate.

I was drawn to this book after seeing the authors on the Today Show one morning... they fielded a large number of surveys using an online questionnaire, so I thought there might be some wisdom in here.

The premise is similar to the "7 habits of highly effective people" or whatever the name was... ask people who are happy in their relationships about their habits, and you'll find the Magic Key to Relationship Happiness. It's very behavioral in the sense "happy couples touch each other a lot." Not so much on "how to increase the desire to communicate" and more on "happy couples communicate well."

I would say it's a bit superficial in that way. But it's always fun to know if we're doing this or that as often or as well as others, or how men and women do/do not share aspirations and needs.

[Elena · Rating 1 out of 5]

'Normal Bar' whatever that means. Well, actually, the books says the Normal Bar "provides you with a compass and a toolbox so that you can get as close or as far away from normal as you see fit." What are the tools in the toolbox, you ask? They are: 1) Just You and I; 2) How Well do I know You?; 3) It takes two to tango; 4) Form a Book Club of Two; 5) Rules of the Game; 6) The Three-Prong Romance Test; 7) A Gift with a Twist; 8) Block Dating Tip; 9) Let's Bring Back the Make-Out Session!; 10) You Look Good; 11) Take My Hand or I'll Take Yours... That should give you some idea of the content....

First of all, what is normal? I take issues with this first and foremost. I hate that it's in the title, and I hated even more reading about how there is a normal area we should all be at, and as much as we deviate from it, we can come back to it. I believe we all make our own normal. There is no one standard normal bar for everyone.

Secondly, the structure of the book is so atrocious. I couldn't handle it. Too many 'tools.' Like it's guide or something I should be noting down in a notebook and writing all the tools that I have at my disposal to reach the normal bar. It is so rational and tactical. And let me tell you, relationships are anything but that. They're crazy, erratic, unexpected, and definitely organic.

I really didn't like this book. It irked me in so many ways. But that's just me. I'm sure other people will like it. I'm sure other people are looking for a book to guide them to reach a mid-point that is basic, that makes sense rationally, that they can have ultimate control over.

That's all I have to say about this book.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A RATING FOR THIS BOOK. MY LOWEST RATING IS 'Excited but not Thrilled.' I WASN'T EVEN EXCITED ABOUT THIS BOOK. I WAS WAITING TO GET THROUGH IT TO PUT IT DOWN.

[K. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Firstly, I'd like to thank Goodreads and everyone who had a part in the creation of this book for giving me the opportunity to win this remarkable book to read on my own. It is filled with detailed accounts, problems, suggestions and statistics. It definitely soothes worries over relationship blunders, helping the reader to understand just how common the problems are all over the world. Very conclusive, creative, touching on what must be every possible subject. This book is great self-help, leaving readers content in knowing what's really going on. The Normal Bar reveals the truth of what actually sets the bar for what is 'normal' in relationships worldwide, therefore reassuring the reader that his/her relationship is, in fact, normal. A great read for anyone, to know how modern relationships balance, thanks to all the extensive research compiled and formed into this one book --- FOUR STARS

[Yochi · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book popped up as a suggestion on my overdrive and I gave it a go. I thought it was interesting. I am a huge fan of self-help, psychology, and statistics, and although I wondered about some of the results, it was neat to see what percent of who does what. I am very happy in my relationship, but I still like getting advice from relationship experts to better myself, and get insight into what's going on in our current situations and how my action are influencing my partner (for better or worse). After reading this I definitely feel I'm on the "normal" side of things, so that is comforting I guess, but mostly I enjoyed all the statistics and being nosy at other peoples closets.

[Grier · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had to give up on this book halfway though because it’s methodologies were so suspect. The authors don’t acknowledge it is wholly unscientific. Using the data in this book to understand your relationship could be quite misleading. It’s also vaguely sexist, among other issues. It has some ok exercises for better understanding your partner but ultimately you should stay away from this book.

[Angief · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't know how exactly how much I believe all the information in this book but I did find it interesting and I did enjoy reading it.

I received this book free from GoodReads FirstReads program.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

What constitutes “normal” behavior among happy couples? What steps you should take if that “normal” is one you want to strive for? To help answer those questions, wellness entrepreneur Chrisanna Northrup teamed with two of America’s top sociologists, Yale Ph.D. Pepper Schwartz and Harvard Ph.D. James Witte, to design a unique interactive survey that would draw feedback from around the world.

What has resulted is the clearest picture yet of how well couples are communicating, romancing each other, satisfying each other in the bedroom, sharing financial responsibilities, and staying faithful – or not. Since the Normal Bar survey methodology sorts for age and gender, racial and geographic differences and sexual preferences, the authors are able to reveal , for example, what happens to passion as we grow older, which gender wants what when it comes to sex, the factors that spur marital combat, how kids figure in, how being gay or bisexual turns out to be both different and the same, and –regardless of background -- the tiny habits that drive partners absolutely batty.

The book is dense with revelations, from the unexpected popularity of certain sexual positions, to the average number of times happy – and unhappy -- couples kiss, to the prevalence of lying, to the surprising loyalty most men and women feel for their partner (even when in a deteriorating relationship), to the vivid and idiosyncratic ways individuals of different ages, genders and nationalities describe their “ideal romantic evening.”

I really liked the layout of this book and how everything was arranged. Unlike most of these types of books this one really seemed to get more insight from the questionnaires and the author was able to extrapolate more from the information they got. I found this book to be a lot more insightful than other ones.

[Rose Rosetree · Rating 5 out of 5]

This how-to could save you time compared to surfing the net for advice... but maybe not better by much.

Chrisanna Nothrup explains that when she and her husband were facing some probs in their marriage, she turned to friends for advice.

Interesting right there, right? Not to experienced or credentialled experts but to other people with marriage problems. Soon she expanded her search to include an international questionnaire and responses, some of which were put into this very long book.

I'm not a big fan of wiki knowledge, but for those who are... you would be this book's intended readers. On your behalf, I'll give this book FIVE STARS.

AS FOR MY PERSONAL REACTION

Maybe I'm not the typical reader for this book, beyond the no-wiki preference, since my husband and I are really happily married, and have been since our marriage in 1990. We continue to grow and learn and problem solve and, mainly, explore how our relationship keeps improving beyond what we would have thought possible.

Still, I gather worldly wisdom that isn't just for me, but rather, for the benefit of helping others. Also, I have a vast curiosity about how people find greater happiness and meaning in life. Altogether, I consider myself open to learning. Which is why, when I saw this book on the audiobook shelf at my public library, I thought, "I might learn something helpful... for somebody, including me."

Mainly, though, my reaction was disappointment.

Personally, I did find one section helpful, the section on romance. Otherwise it was a slog, going through six or so of the CDs in this audiobook. At a random point, I thought, "Enough already."

In Cheerful Conclusion

This well-meaning book aims at a wide readership, and it can likely help some readers. May they find the help they're seeking, whether through this book or elsewhere.

[Cathryn Conroy · Rating 4 out of 5]

We all want to be normal. Right? Well, except when we don't. Because normal can be boring. But wait! When it comes to our most intimate relationship—our marriage—yes, we definitely want to be considered normal when compared to others.

So what is normal when it comes to love, sex, and marriage?

It's all revealed in this book by Chrisanna Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, and James Witte, which is based on a massive online survey they created and actively marketed through several media partners, including AOL, The Huffington Post, and Reader's Digest. More than 70,000 people worldwide answered the questions, resulting in 1.7 million data points.

The topics covered in the book include how we get together in the first place, what we do to be romantic, how we show affection, how we balance work and love, how money affects our relationships, tips and tricks on how to communicate, who keeps secrets and tells lies, who is cheating and how often, and (of course!) lots and lots of information on sex.

Each chapter zeroes in on one topic, first presenting the results of The Normal Bar survey, followed by a story about a real couple that is relevant to the topic, quotes from several survey replies, and then a series of tools (some of which are kind of corny) couples can use to improve their relationship.

It's an easy, fast read, which at times is fascinating but at other times boring and repetitive.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

Regardless of whether or not you agree with the normative claims this book makes I'd still highly recommend it because the data it showcases is by far more accurate than anything you'd pick up from friends and family.

Why is this important? Look up the anchoring bias. Anchoring is what happens anytime we're are given information about a subject and then later called upon to make decisions about that same subject. Problem is, many times this information anchor is wildly unrepresentitive of reality.

This is as simple as going to buy a used car without knowing the Kelly Blue Book value of that vehicle. Without such objective date you'll have to rely on other information when deciding if you are getting a good car for your money. This anchoring point could be based off the initial price offered by the sales rep or off how much you paid for your previous vehicle.

The Normal Bar is the closest thing to a Kelly Blue Book that we have at the moment for relationships. It gives us an anchoring mean which is far better than alternative common anchors such as friends, family, or mass media.

[Crabbygirl · Rating 1 out of 5]

mostly a waste of time, this book is too vague to be of any use. i don't care how the stats compare internationally, and i don't believe anecdotal stuff has any real value. give me the straight dope - i'm capable of analyzing it myself.
the biggest strength of their study is also their weakest: is it so wide (international, as i've mentioned) but including results from china or india - where cultural norms and/or economics are so different from here - can easily skew results. plus the 'findings' are based on internet questionnaires - that's what people will admit to, not necessary actually BE.
lastly, for a book that purports to have data on so many relationship parameters, they still wrote this sentence: It is worth considering that a very large number of men who visit prostitutes are married... with no data to back-up this claim (besides, who really cares? the data you could - and should - report is the % of married men who have used a prostitute, not a breakdown of said prostitute's client breakdown)

[Heather Kirby · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was a let down. While I was hopeful that the premise would provide insights, that was not the case. The “evidence” from thousands of couples around the world felt like it lacked evidence-based research and instead just focused on individuals answers (which could all be false!). The data also felt very outdated already even though the book was published 10 years ago. I also thought the chapters on sex were way too detailed and skipped those. While I originally thought the title made this book feel interesting, I was not drawn to reading it, as the information felt tired and SO unrealistic (hello the section on wanting your partner to help with the house! Ex: tell them you’ll give them something they want like a back rub if they do the dishes! Like WTF?) the whole chapter on abuse was also terrible. Basically, I fast-forwarded a lot of this book and it would be a DNF if I didn’t feel compelled to finish books.

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a great read to give a barometer on what "normal" is based on surveys of 100k+ people.

When the responses were broken out by location, even though responses are from around the world, the text skewed to American responses and offering the European data as comparison and occasionally touching on Africa and Asia.

It did a good job of taking what we are assume are "normal" and showing whether that was true. They also do some split comparisons on some data, for example between happy and unhappy couples, gay v straight, new v seasoned. The authors also provided tools in each chapter based on what they actually learned from the responses.

[Jaden · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book fascinating. To see how your own relationship compares to others and what they consider "normal"- to see whether you struggle with the same types of relationship problems as others- piqued my interest. I also thought that some of the exercises in the book seem useful and could certainly help my relationship. While the numbers and data can be cumbersome at times it was overall an enjoyable read.

[Shannon · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was not as interesting as I'd imagined. While the research is thorough and offers perspective, in reality it's just statistics and does not share a greater story of the 'why' or 'how'. What we see presented here is averages and normals, and while the statistics are quantified against relationship happiness, I question the value in general to the average reader of this information. Comparison is the root of discontent; read this book at your own risk.

[Carmen · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting book, though I kind of resent the title- no relationship is “normal,” but it is intriguing to know where a mode of relationships lie on certain questions and what the bell curve looks like. I think a better title might have been something along the lines of “my relationship v. Most relationships.”

There were a few instances where this data was compared to other research, and I loved that. Wished there was more of it!

[Natalie Jade · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had plenty of data and antidotal information, but I think the information would have been more digestible in a series of blog posts. The chapters were incredibly short conjoined with little snippets of other people's lives.

Overall, it's not a book I would recommend sitting down to read. More like a coffee table flip through while waiting for your partner to get ready to go.

[Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I came across this, I decided to read it as part of my continuing effort to maintain / improve my relationship with the most important person in the world -- my wife. The primary author seemed to think she was were providing new and vital information, but she was over-selling it. In reality, some of it was interesting and helpful, but much of it was well known and obvious.

[Ingrid · Rating 4 out of 5]

I truly love reading about couple's experiences and live. My favourite part is that in each chapter we get to see real comments of the participants of this great research.
That's an awesome collection of international people, different ages and different dreams/expectations when it comes to happines in a relationship.
My reading was easy and smooth.

[Mati 'Matimajczyta' · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't know why I had expected that this book would be better. In the sense of big is the facts, a few not obvious, some things strongly mundane. And yet I was hoping that such a book would move me strongly and open my eyes to unknown elements of human sexuality. It can be read, but I won't remember much from it in the future.

[Alexandra Tupy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I felt that this book started out with valuable takeaways for relationships but as it advanced the content became overly sexual. As I continued to navigate the read I started questioning how the content (i.e.,. positions and grotesque detail) was needed to understand happy relationships. I made it to chapter 9 before I put this one down.

[Kaia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tons of great information about good practices for long term couples and marrieds.
I recommend this to my future self, if she ever gets hitched again and to any couple needing a boost or a kick in the pants to connect and fall back in love with each other.

[Emily Horvath · Rating 3 out of 5]

Intriguingly loose science about what's normal for couples who report they are happy in their romantic relationship. Overall, a quick, easy read that encourages some healthy self reflection but very statistics heavy to the point you were drowning in numbers.

[Karolina Konduracka · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nie spodziewałam się, że znajdę tu jakieś porady, a tym bardziej tak (w większości) sensowne i mocno nastawione na komunikację. Myślę, że nawet jak obecnie pewne rozwiązania nie są mi potrzebne tak je zapamiętać na przyszłość. Jednakże zawsze można coś ulepszyć, więc na pewno z czegoś skorzystam.

[Michelle · Rating 1 out of 5]

Based on data obtained from nearly 100,000 respondents, here is the ultimate resource for anyone who wants to learn the relationship-tested ways couples can achieve satisfaction and contentment in areas such as communication, sex, affection, and financial cooperation.
DNF - Hands down the stupidest book written. They polled thousands of people "throughout the world" via READERS DIGEST. That was their population! And they bragged about this! Asked about normal in relationships. So no science. Just RD idiots. So very dumb. DO NOT READ

[Amanda Taylor · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book to read if a person wants to make their relationship better even in happy relationships. Was helpful but a little on the boring side though.

[Daniel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although the data is interesting, the read itself was not. I was not able to find much actionable advice for my own relationships after reading this book.