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The Parenting Breakthrough: Real-Life Plan to Teach Your Kids to Work, Save Money, and Be Truly Independent
If more children were educated on savings, a host of ills from credit problems to bankruptcy to divorce would be avoided." -M. Boyack
Fun and practical, author Merrilee Boycak will have readers laughing out loud as well as feeling grateful for her parenting advice. She s a mom who s spent the last 22 years in the real-life work of parenting. "I have four sons, 13, 15, 17, and 22. You know what that means," she writes. "I m an absolute expert in raising children 23 and older." Merrilee offers the "LDS parenting owner s manual they forgot to give you" for training kids - from toddlers to teens - to be independent. It includes ideas for how to teach kids about money, investing, debt, and the importance of earning their own money; how to teach children to serve; how to help children with emotional and spiritual development; and much more.
256 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 2005
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January 13, 2014
**Update: I emailed my concerns about this book to Deseret Book's publishing department. Lisa Mangum responded to me saying that she has spent some time with my email and the book and has marked places where the book needs to be changed if there is ever a reprint. My preference was to have the book removed from shelves until a suitble revision was made, but I guess I'm happy that Dereret Book took my concerns seriously.
I’ve heard about this book from several people, and I’m just now getting around to reading it because my four-year-old was asking to earn money. I like Sister Boyack’s philosophy in general. It’s important to teach your kids to be independent, stop bailing them out, allow them to make their own choices, and allow them to do things for themselves that they are capable of doing. I agree that we have a generational problem of young adults not knowing how to be self-sufficient. There are a lot of really great ideas in this book that I am using, and I’ll want to refer to it again when my children are older (before I set up the “Harman Bank”, for example).
With that said, I take issue with a few points in the book. This is the longest review I’ve written, but I feel like all this must be said. I’ve even trimmed it down! (Maybe I should stick to fiction books--or at least books on topics I know nothing about--so I don’t feel obligated to give a thorough critique).
First of all, there are many great parents out there—granted, they are not teaching their children about mutual funds, but they are great anyway—who have children who do not grow up to follow the path of productivity, independence, and/or righteousness. And it’s not always the fault of parents. Case in point: Lehi. I don’t think Sister Boyack was as sympathetic to this issue as she could have been. It’s a dangerous place for parents to take all the credit for their children’s successes, as parents will be set up to take the blame for all their children’s failures. Children also have their own personalities, desires, and agency. My suggestion: Parents must do their best and leave the rest to their children and God. I could be wrong about Sister Boyack’s beliefs in this regard, but her tone comes across as—dare I say it?—prideful.
Secondly, I take issue with Sister Boyack’s “rant” on modesty, page 86. I’m disturbed that Sister Boyack proudly publishes that her sons call immodestly dressed girls “skanky” and “disgusting”. In my humble opinion, this isn’t the best way to teach your children to follow Christ and “judge not that ye be not judged”. I agree that parents can do more to encourage their children to dress modestly, but calling them skanks? Seriously? Shaming people into obedience rarely works. I have half a mind to write the publisher, Deseret Book, on this issue. Surely this harsh view of immodestly dressed young women should not be published by a company that is widely seen as representing the Christian views of the LDS Church (even though Deseret Book is separate from the Church and doesn’t technically represent Church teachings). After all, Deseret Book took a book from the Twilight series off the shelves for content that was contrary to church teachings, no?
Thirdly, Sister Boyack uses the argument that financial problems are the number one cause of divorce throughout her book. Except she never cites where this statistic came from! She alludes that her sons’ marriages will not end in divorce because they know the value of hard work and saving money. (I know plenty of hard-working, wealthy men who are divorced.) The cause for divorce is very complicated and the conclusion that financial problems are the primary cause for divorce is not accurate. If this were the case, my only solution for marital problems as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist would be to teach couples how to budget and invest. Obviously, this is not even remotely part of what I do! There are many philosophies about how to help married couples stay together, and solving financial problems isn’t even close to the top idea among marriage experts. To cite my sources, check out any book by marriage experts Dr. John Gottman, or Dr. Susan Johnson, or Dr. Bill Doherty, or even Dr. David Schnarch. That will give you a good start. Sister Boyack is simply perpetuating a social myth to back up her parenting philosophy. Again, I have a problem with Deseret Book publishing this. Why is Deseret Book not requiring an author to cite her sources??? They’re big enough they should know about this, right? Honestly, I put this mistake mostly on the publisher. I doubt Sister Boyack understood the fallacy of this idea.
Later in the book Sister Boyack tells a story about how setting goals will earn you more money. At least this one she admits that might just be a myth. At the same time, wouldn’t you think an author would want to research that out a little bit before publishing?
My last beef is on page 195 where Sister Boyack says that she doesn’t think child psychologists are true “experts” on parenting because they have careers instead of child-rearing. First of all, that’s a huge assumption that all child psychologists have never spent any time at home parenting. I left a career as a therapist to stay home with my children full-time, and someday I plan on returning to my career in family therapy. And would you really say that just because a father has a career as a child psychologist that he has no experience raising his own children? That’s offensive to full-time and part-time working parents everywhere! Secondly, years of extra training in school, supervision, years of experience working with families, and sometimes continued research certainly DOES qualify most mental health professionals in the area of parenting! I understand that not all therapists/psychologists/counselors are good at what they do, but that’s the case in all walks of life. I have a fear that Sister Boyack’s flippant comment about psychologists not being “experts” will stigmatize the necessary field of mental health further. Some children really ought to be evaluated by a professional for mental health issues or learning disabilities. Parents should not be afraid to reach out for professional help with their children. They should not have to feel helpless when advice from grandparents and Relief Society sisters doesn’t work.
By the way, I would love to chat with Sister Boyack about her experiences with mental health professionals I might have to stalk her at BYU Education Week….
In the end, take this book for what it’s worth. It’s another perspective on parenting, but it’s not the only “right” way. And please understand this is just Sister Boyack’s opinion. Judging from the well-worn copy I borrowed from the library, I’m nervous that parents are taking this book more seriously than it ought to be. At the very least, this book should be revised to exclude the ridiculous parts and include more citations.
If you read my whole review, congratulations! I'm open to hearing other opinions about this book. :)
I’ve heard about this book from several people, and I’m just now getting around to reading it because my four-year-old was asking to earn money. I like Sister Boyack’s philosophy in general. It’s important to teach your kids to be independent, stop bailing them out, allow them to make their own choices, and allow them to do things for themselves that they are capable of doing. I agree that we have a generational problem of young adults not knowing how to be self-sufficient. There are a lot of really great ideas in this book that I am using, and I’ll want to refer to it again when my children are older (before I set up the “Harman Bank”, for example).
With that said, I take issue with a few points in the book. This is the longest review I’ve written, but I feel like all this must be said. I’ve even trimmed it down! (Maybe I should stick to fiction books--or at least books on topics I know nothing about--so I don’t feel obligated to give a thorough critique).
First of all, there are many great parents out there—granted, they are not teaching their children about mutual funds, but they are great anyway—who have children who do not grow up to follow the path of productivity, independence, and/or righteousness. And it’s not always the fault of parents. Case in point: Lehi. I don’t think Sister Boyack was as sympathetic to this issue as she could have been. It’s a dangerous place for parents to take all the credit for their children’s successes, as parents will be set up to take the blame for all their children’s failures. Children also have their own personalities, desires, and agency. My suggestion: Parents must do their best and leave the rest to their children and God. I could be wrong about Sister Boyack’s beliefs in this regard, but her tone comes across as—dare I say it?—prideful.
Secondly, I take issue with Sister Boyack’s “rant” on modesty, page 86. I’m disturbed that Sister Boyack proudly publishes that her sons call immodestly dressed girls “skanky” and “disgusting”. In my humble opinion, this isn’t the best way to teach your children to follow Christ and “judge not that ye be not judged”. I agree that parents can do more to encourage their children to dress modestly, but calling them skanks? Seriously? Shaming people into obedience rarely works. I have half a mind to write the publisher, Deseret Book, on this issue. Surely this harsh view of immodestly dressed young women should not be published by a company that is widely seen as representing the Christian views of the LDS Church (even though Deseret Book is separate from the Church and doesn’t technically represent Church teachings). After all, Deseret Book took a book from the Twilight series off the shelves for content that was contrary to church teachings, no?
Thirdly, Sister Boyack uses the argument that financial problems are the number one cause of divorce throughout her book. Except she never cites where this statistic came from! She alludes that her sons’ marriages will not end in divorce because they know the value of hard work and saving money. (I know plenty of hard-working, wealthy men who are divorced.) The cause for divorce is very complicated and the conclusion that financial problems are the primary cause for divorce is not accurate. If this were the case, my only solution for marital problems as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist would be to teach couples how to budget and invest. Obviously, this is not even remotely part of what I do! There are many philosophies about how to help married couples stay together, and solving financial problems isn’t even close to the top idea among marriage experts. To cite my sources, check out any book by marriage experts Dr. John Gottman, or Dr. Susan Johnson, or Dr. Bill Doherty, or even Dr. David Schnarch. That will give you a good start. Sister Boyack is simply perpetuating a social myth to back up her parenting philosophy. Again, I have a problem with Deseret Book publishing this. Why is Deseret Book not requiring an author to cite her sources??? They’re big enough they should know about this, right? Honestly, I put this mistake mostly on the publisher. I doubt Sister Boyack understood the fallacy of this idea.
Later in the book Sister Boyack tells a story about how setting goals will earn you more money. At least this one she admits that might just be a myth. At the same time, wouldn’t you think an author would want to research that out a little bit before publishing?
My last beef is on page 195 where Sister Boyack says that she doesn’t think child psychologists are true “experts” on parenting because they have careers instead of child-rearing. First of all, that’s a huge assumption that all child psychologists have never spent any time at home parenting. I left a career as a therapist to stay home with my children full-time, and someday I plan on returning to my career in family therapy. And would you really say that just because a father has a career as a child psychologist that he has no experience raising his own children? That’s offensive to full-time and part-time working parents everywhere! Secondly, years of extra training in school, supervision, years of experience working with families, and sometimes continued research certainly DOES qualify most mental health professionals in the area of parenting! I understand that not all therapists/psychologists/counselors are good at what they do, but that’s the case in all walks of life. I have a fear that Sister Boyack’s flippant comment about psychologists not being “experts” will stigmatize the necessary field of mental health further. Some children really ought to be evaluated by a professional for mental health issues or learning disabilities. Parents should not be afraid to reach out for professional help with their children. They should not have to feel helpless when advice from grandparents and Relief Society sisters doesn’t work.
By the way, I would love to chat with Sister Boyack about her experiences with mental health professionals I might have to stalk her at BYU Education Week….
In the end, take this book for what it’s worth. It’s another perspective on parenting, but it’s not the only “right” way. And please understand this is just Sister Boyack’s opinion. Judging from the well-worn copy I borrowed from the library, I’m nervous that parents are taking this book more seriously than it ought to be. At the very least, this book should be revised to exclude the ridiculous parts and include more citations.
If you read my whole review, congratulations! I'm open to hearing other opinions about this book. :)
July 16, 2012
I read this after reading Cleaning House: A Mom's Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement, by Kay Wills Wyma, and there is no comparison. Ms Wyma is a privileged mother raising privileged kids. She's trying to raise kids who are less handicapped by their privilege, but it's striking, nonetheless. Ms Boyack presents a plan and set of principles that will raise truly prepared and independent people. I'm thinking about buying the book, and for those of you who know my library habits, that's striking, too. haha
Takeaway message: teaching your kids to do chores and handle money is entirely for their benefit. It's nice to have helpers with the dishes and all, but to deny them experiences in not only everyday home maintenance, as well as problem-solving and financial prowess is a true handicap.
Takeaway message: teaching your kids to do chores and handle money is entirely for their benefit. It's nice to have helpers with the dishes and all, but to deny them experiences in not only everyday home maintenance, as well as problem-solving and financial prowess is a true handicap.
July 13, 2009
I LOVE this book. Not because it is written well--it isn't. But the whole point of it is that if you want your kids to be independent adults one day you need to have a plan in place to make that happen. And she lays it all out for you with a time line and everything. You'll need to tweak it for your own family, but it has such great ideas, is a guiding light, etc., etc., that I keep it on my nightstand and refer to it often. I've not made the extensive long term goal list yet; however, I've decided the skills I want my kids to learn this summer and have been working on teaching them. It's going great and I really think it does a lot for their confidence to be capable in their responsibilities.
This book covers chores, allowance, money matters, family traditions, testimony building, and much more. Boyack's style is light and funny and straight to the point. She's is a popular Education Week speaker and the book reads just like one of her talks.
This book is not for parents who yearn for their children to depend on them always. It's for those of you, like me, who love their children dearly but want them to grow up into strong independent adults who will move out of your house one day and thrive on their own.
This book covers chores, allowance, money matters, family traditions, testimony building, and much more. Boyack's style is light and funny and straight to the point. She's is a popular Education Week speaker and the book reads just like one of her talks.
This book is not for parents who yearn for their children to depend on them always. It's for those of you, like me, who love their children dearly but want them to grow up into strong independent adults who will move out of your house one day and thrive on their own.
October 15, 2011
Loving it so far. "The Plan" includes lists of things kids should be able to do by age. Practical things like groom nails and hair, make a salad, answer phone calls, have a savings account, mail a letter, write a check, help purchase a car, etc.
I like her philosophy on parenting: our job is not to make our kids happy all the time. We are to nurture, protect, love, and train our kids to be independent.
Update: I finished the book in one flight, and I love it. I may even buy it. Or perhaps I'll write a super long review to which I can refer back in coming years. :D
On The Plan: Introduce the upcoming training items far in advance, give previews, select who will do the training (use grandparents, neighbors, dad, older sibs too), hold several training sessions; be specific, don't overpraise, allow practice before incorporating into daily routines. Tie some privileges to passing off abilities. Want to earn babysitting money? Pass off CPR, making phone calls, changing diapers, etc. Want to get driver license? Pass off various car maintenance, insurance and finance-related items.
On chores: After you have the training phase for certain jobs (which make take several weeks/months), you can add chores to a child's routine. Monthly rotating rather than weekly rotating helps kids do a thorough job, knowing they'll have to be revisiting the same job for awhile. A week / B week rotations sound like they work well. Be specific about time frames, i.e. "all these weekly chores need to be done by lunchtime on Saturday".
On Allowance: Merrille has finally convinced me to give my kids a small allowance, not tied to chores. The Boyacks get $1 per month for each year of his age. I agree that it's good just to teach kids about money management and savings and tithing. So we are starting a few dollars on a monthly basis. In addition, there are "money chores" that are more labor-intensive as an option to earn more money. The rule: things you buy must invite the Spirit into our home. You don't need tons or "don'ts" if you have this "do".
Ending Allowance: At the age of 12, the Boyack boys had their allowance cut off because they were capable to earn money by other means around the community. They still had the option of money chores at home, but no monthly allowance. They didn't mind, however; because they began receiving a yearly clothing allowance and shopping for their own school clothes and supplies. In August they discuss cloting needs and alot Wal-mart prices for those needs. If a child wants brand name clothing, he can supplement the funds. If your budget can handle it, the entire allowance is available in August, so the child can manage it throughout the year. Factor in hand-me-downs, but don't include church cloting in their required purchases. Talk to the kids while shopping, teaching them about sales, but allow autonomy. One rule: items must be appropriate and modest. Merrille has warned her boys about returning a particular improper purchase, and thrown it away if it remained in the home against the one rule.
The Boyacks are involved with a charity called Mothers Without Borders, and they regularly help clothe African orphans, which helps keep material things in perspective. I absolutely love this.
On Savings: encourage kids to have a savings goal, teach the principal of interest by having your Family Bank offer a matching program for a particular goal, or a savings bonus ($10 bonus for reaching $100 in savings). There's a sweet savings schedule for mission money in this chapter. It starts out at $8 per month at age 11 and increases to $160 per month by age 18, every month being matched by the parents. By the age of 19, over $11k in principal has been saved and $1k in interest earned.
An interesting tidbit on mission funds: if you use a custodial account with a mutual fund, you can do a direct fund transfer to the Church's Mission fund with the same investment company to avoid paying taxes on that money.
"Give your children the gift of expecting them to pay a major chunk of their post-age-eighteen expenses."
If kids stop wanting to contribute or start wanting to pull out their half of the fund, remind them that your family is committed to this and the money has been consecrated. It will be used to help another missionary in need if he chooses not to go. In the case of a daughter saving for college, it can be used to help fund needy students.
On investing: teach kids early (with the 10% interest bonus), use the personal management merit badge book, use online tools to show interest and savings vehicles as well as budgeting. Quicken.com is recommended. Allow an older child to open an Etrade account and have a go at investing his birthday money.
On borrowing: teach about credit and interest by about age 12. Offer a loan from the family bank. Discuss collateral in case of default and make the interest painful, at least 20%. This lesson will ilkely only need to be taught once.
On budgeting: have a monopoly money family home evening, showing all the monthly income and then having the kids "pay" all the bills. Discuss ways to save on bills so family can save for vacation, etc. Have child set up his own budget by around 12 and track it on Quicken or other software.
On family: Establish your family's identity, use mottos, develop family lore. Kids adore hearing their parent's dating stories, grandparents' faith promoting events, their own childhood antics. Family environment should include family pictures (in her class at Ed Week Merrillee said "I don't care if you think you're fat, moms. This is important. Get that humongous family portait on the wall"). Also display family heirlooms, family glory like framed artwork by the kids. Walk into each room and ask "what is this room teaching?"
Make a family timeline of a few years, including each person's goals and happenings that are coming up. Include intended family vacation spots. Include family goals that are religious, recreational, financial.
On helping kids develop spiritually and emotionally: kids hear you better at certain times of day. Sometimes you'll have to save a topic until you've both calmed down. Watch out for "walls", which are rules they'll try to rebel against. If you have fewer walls over the essentials, it works better.
Tune into your child and you'll be guided as to how to connect her to Heavenly Father. Remind them all the time of the love of God and our Savior. Identify the many ways one feels the Holy Ghost.
Integrate service opportunities into the lives of your children. Fast, pray, and identify answers. Encourage personal habits of devotion but stay out of the way if as teens they don't want to attend church. "That's between you and the Lord. Why don't you pray about that?" is a better response than forcing the issue, and equating mom with religion, i.e. if I reject church, I reject mom.
Create a safe haven at home where kids are morally and spiritually safe. The Boyacks have no video games, which makes me feel so validated! I don't care if my kids are the weird boys in the neighborhood, we are never never bringing a gaming system into our home.
Fill the parental tanks first. Have goals and hobbies that make your kids proud.
Have fun! While driving with the family, Merrillee's dad used to suddenly grip the steering wheel with stiff arms and pretend the car had a mind of it's own and that he couldn't stop it from pulling into Dairy Queen.
On Parenting in summary: be consistent, develop a philosophy together with your spouse, you needn't explain everything, remain firm, remember the "why" for all this. We want our kids to grow up and be independent. Our kids may be different from us, but it's not wrong. Know who owns the problem. Don't solve all their problems. Listen and be supportive of them solving them, use I messages when the problem is yours. Mean what you say. Set kids up--let them know what you expect at the restaurant, how long it will take at the photographer, etc. Use time outs for kids and yourself. Tag team your spouse when you've had it, use other family members to help too. Laugh at yourself. If your kids say you're weird thank them for the compliment.
"Self sufficiency is the yardstick of self-esteem. The road to self-sufficiency is paved with frustration, disappointment, failure, falling flat on one's face and other equally 'unhappy' experiences. We cannot afford to deny children these things." John Rosemond
"As a parent you'll never be perfect, but you'll always be the only mother or father your child will ever want." John Rosemond
I like her philosophy on parenting: our job is not to make our kids happy all the time. We are to nurture, protect, love, and train our kids to be independent.
Update: I finished the book in one flight, and I love it. I may even buy it. Or perhaps I'll write a super long review to which I can refer back in coming years. :D
On The Plan: Introduce the upcoming training items far in advance, give previews, select who will do the training (use grandparents, neighbors, dad, older sibs too), hold several training sessions; be specific, don't overpraise, allow practice before incorporating into daily routines. Tie some privileges to passing off abilities. Want to earn babysitting money? Pass off CPR, making phone calls, changing diapers, etc. Want to get driver license? Pass off various car maintenance, insurance and finance-related items.
On chores: After you have the training phase for certain jobs (which make take several weeks/months), you can add chores to a child's routine. Monthly rotating rather than weekly rotating helps kids do a thorough job, knowing they'll have to be revisiting the same job for awhile. A week / B week rotations sound like they work well. Be specific about time frames, i.e. "all these weekly chores need to be done by lunchtime on Saturday".
On Allowance: Merrille has finally convinced me to give my kids a small allowance, not tied to chores. The Boyacks get $1 per month for each year of his age. I agree that it's good just to teach kids about money management and savings and tithing. So we are starting a few dollars on a monthly basis. In addition, there are "money chores" that are more labor-intensive as an option to earn more money. The rule: things you buy must invite the Spirit into our home. You don't need tons or "don'ts" if you have this "do".
Ending Allowance: At the age of 12, the Boyack boys had their allowance cut off because they were capable to earn money by other means around the community. They still had the option of money chores at home, but no monthly allowance. They didn't mind, however; because they began receiving a yearly clothing allowance and shopping for their own school clothes and supplies. In August they discuss cloting needs and alot Wal-mart prices for those needs. If a child wants brand name clothing, he can supplement the funds. If your budget can handle it, the entire allowance is available in August, so the child can manage it throughout the year. Factor in hand-me-downs, but don't include church cloting in their required purchases. Talk to the kids while shopping, teaching them about sales, but allow autonomy. One rule: items must be appropriate and modest. Merrille has warned her boys about returning a particular improper purchase, and thrown it away if it remained in the home against the one rule.
The Boyacks are involved with a charity called Mothers Without Borders, and they regularly help clothe African orphans, which helps keep material things in perspective. I absolutely love this.
On Savings: encourage kids to have a savings goal, teach the principal of interest by having your Family Bank offer a matching program for a particular goal, or a savings bonus ($10 bonus for reaching $100 in savings). There's a sweet savings schedule for mission money in this chapter. It starts out at $8 per month at age 11 and increases to $160 per month by age 18, every month being matched by the parents. By the age of 19, over $11k in principal has been saved and $1k in interest earned.
An interesting tidbit on mission funds: if you use a custodial account with a mutual fund, you can do a direct fund transfer to the Church's Mission fund with the same investment company to avoid paying taxes on that money.
"Give your children the gift of expecting them to pay a major chunk of their post-age-eighteen expenses."
If kids stop wanting to contribute or start wanting to pull out their half of the fund, remind them that your family is committed to this and the money has been consecrated. It will be used to help another missionary in need if he chooses not to go. In the case of a daughter saving for college, it can be used to help fund needy students.
On investing: teach kids early (with the 10% interest bonus), use the personal management merit badge book, use online tools to show interest and savings vehicles as well as budgeting. Quicken.com is recommended. Allow an older child to open an Etrade account and have a go at investing his birthday money.
On borrowing: teach about credit and interest by about age 12. Offer a loan from the family bank. Discuss collateral in case of default and make the interest painful, at least 20%. This lesson will ilkely only need to be taught once.
On budgeting: have a monopoly money family home evening, showing all the monthly income and then having the kids "pay" all the bills. Discuss ways to save on bills so family can save for vacation, etc. Have child set up his own budget by around 12 and track it on Quicken or other software.
On family: Establish your family's identity, use mottos, develop family lore. Kids adore hearing their parent's dating stories, grandparents' faith promoting events, their own childhood antics. Family environment should include family pictures (in her class at Ed Week Merrillee said "I don't care if you think you're fat, moms. This is important. Get that humongous family portait on the wall"). Also display family heirlooms, family glory like framed artwork by the kids. Walk into each room and ask "what is this room teaching?"
Make a family timeline of a few years, including each person's goals and happenings that are coming up. Include intended family vacation spots. Include family goals that are religious, recreational, financial.
On helping kids develop spiritually and emotionally: kids hear you better at certain times of day. Sometimes you'll have to save a topic until you've both calmed down. Watch out for "walls", which are rules they'll try to rebel against. If you have fewer walls over the essentials, it works better.
Tune into your child and you'll be guided as to how to connect her to Heavenly Father. Remind them all the time of the love of God and our Savior. Identify the many ways one feels the Holy Ghost.
Integrate service opportunities into the lives of your children. Fast, pray, and identify answers. Encourage personal habits of devotion but stay out of the way if as teens they don't want to attend church. "That's between you and the Lord. Why don't you pray about that?" is a better response than forcing the issue, and equating mom with religion, i.e. if I reject church, I reject mom.
Create a safe haven at home where kids are morally and spiritually safe. The Boyacks have no video games, which makes me feel so validated! I don't care if my kids are the weird boys in the neighborhood, we are never never bringing a gaming system into our home.
Fill the parental tanks first. Have goals and hobbies that make your kids proud.
Have fun! While driving with the family, Merrillee's dad used to suddenly grip the steering wheel with stiff arms and pretend the car had a mind of it's own and that he couldn't stop it from pulling into Dairy Queen.
On Parenting in summary: be consistent, develop a philosophy together with your spouse, you needn't explain everything, remain firm, remember the "why" for all this. We want our kids to grow up and be independent. Our kids may be different from us, but it's not wrong. Know who owns the problem. Don't solve all their problems. Listen and be supportive of them solving them, use I messages when the problem is yours. Mean what you say. Set kids up--let them know what you expect at the restaurant, how long it will take at the photographer, etc. Use time outs for kids and yourself. Tag team your spouse when you've had it, use other family members to help too. Laugh at yourself. If your kids say you're weird thank them for the compliment.
"Self sufficiency is the yardstick of self-esteem. The road to self-sufficiency is paved with frustration, disappointment, failure, falling flat on one's face and other equally 'unhappy' experiences. We cannot afford to deny children these things." John Rosemond
"As a parent you'll never be perfect, but you'll always be the only mother or father your child will ever want." John Rosemond
December 8, 2008
Warning: One of my longer reviews and I even edited a lot out.
This book covered a lot of bases, but a couple of things that I really enjoyed is how the author stressed not giving into our kids' wants and doing everything for them "because I love them". If we love our kids we would not do everything for them but teach them how to do everything for themselves; change a tire, clean a toilet, make a bed, manage their finances (she suggested that a four year old should be able to make their own breakfast and sandwich-it may be messy, but they can still do it; we should let them!)
I appreciated how the author suggests that you understand who you are as a mother and embrace that; I am strict and "try to be" organized. Also, to acknowledge who your husband is as a father and allow them to be different; he is laid back and easy going. I am often trying to get him to parent exactly as I do or waffling on what I would do because I am trying to parent more like him (never works!) Instead, know that the kids need parents that approach things from different view points.
There was a lot to digest and I will be trying a lot of her suggestions for years to come I am sure. I was able to sit my husband down and talk to him about some of the things I was reading and have already started working toward a "Plan" for our family, who we want to be, what we want to accomplish, and how we will get there. I guess I will change my rating to a five star when I see if I am able to implement her ideas into my real life.
This book covered a lot of bases, but a couple of things that I really enjoyed is how the author stressed not giving into our kids' wants and doing everything for them "because I love them". If we love our kids we would not do everything for them but teach them how to do everything for themselves; change a tire, clean a toilet, make a bed, manage their finances (she suggested that a four year old should be able to make their own breakfast and sandwich-it may be messy, but they can still do it; we should let them!)
I appreciated how the author suggests that you understand who you are as a mother and embrace that; I am strict and "try to be" organized. Also, to acknowledge who your husband is as a father and allow them to be different; he is laid back and easy going. I am often trying to get him to parent exactly as I do or waffling on what I would do because I am trying to parent more like him (never works!) Instead, know that the kids need parents that approach things from different view points.
There was a lot to digest and I will be trying a lot of her suggestions for years to come I am sure. I was able to sit my husband down and talk to him about some of the things I was reading and have already started working toward a "Plan" for our family, who we want to be, what we want to accomplish, and how we will get there. I guess I will change my rating to a five star when I see if I am able to implement her ideas into my real life.
Want to read
February 27, 2009So my husband has two brothers who have never grown up. That is not a nitpicky thing, it's just factual truth of reality-ness. One is almost 30 and lives in his parent's basement still, playing video games and reading books and never socializing with human beings. (To be completely fair, he is just now, at this very moment, buying a townhouse and moving out on his own. But up until this moment, it has been 100% true.) The other brother comes and goes. He has one job, then loses it, then gets another, then loses it. He moves in and out and in and out of his parent's house. He actually bought a house a few years ago, but lost it to foreclosure. Apparently no one told him you had to make house payments. Hmmm...
We had this discussion in bed last night - would I let Benjamin move in with us when he was old? Would I have the heart to kick my son out on the street if he had no where else to live? My answer: "Totally! I am raising him to be a man and not a 30 year old baby." Dale's answer: "You would not. You would never kick your son out if he didn't have a place to live." I am thinking we may have a conflict of interest if Benjamin tries to live in our basement until he's 30.
I think the best idea for us is to make sure our kids grow up independent and don't try to live with us forever. Problem solved.
We had this discussion in bed last night - would I let Benjamin move in with us when he was old? Would I have the heart to kick my son out on the street if he had no where else to live? My answer: "Totally! I am raising him to be a man and not a 30 year old baby." Dale's answer: "You would not. You would never kick your son out if he didn't have a place to live." I am thinking we may have a conflict of interest if Benjamin tries to live in our basement until he's 30.
I think the best idea for us is to make sure our kids grow up independent and don't try to live with us forever. Problem solved.
August 5, 2012
There was nothing earth shattering about the advice in this book, but there were some good take aways I am going to try in our family. I feel like my mom did a good job teaching us to be responsible and independent because she worked and we had to be, but as a stay at home mom I think I tend to "just do it myself" instead of teaching my kids. There is always room for improvement as parents!
October 22, 2014
Finally someone else has thought it all out--how I can teach my kids how to grow up to be knowledgeable, independent, self-reliant, and self-assured. I don't know anyone who doesn't want that! Fantastic, common-sense ideas that I haven't seen elsewhere.
May 14, 2017
Brilliant, Brilliant, BRILLIANT!
August 15, 2009
If I'm going to read a parenting book, I prefer one written by a real-life mom. That's just what this is. The writing style is conversational, like a chat across the kitchen table. The content is packed with sound, practical ideas. I particularly like that the author is raising four boys in the town next door to where I grew up in southern California.
Boyack begins by urging mothers not to let their nurturing instincts go into overdrive. If we do everything for our children, they won’t learn valuable life-skills and independence. She says many mothers make the mistake of wanting their children to be happy. It’s better to want your children to be skilled, hard-working, righteous, service-oriented, talented, etc. Happiness will be a by-product of these other qualities. Be willing to allow children to be temporarily unhappy, since they may complain about work and resist taking responsibility. Keep the long-range objective in mind and be strong. In this book, Boyack offers a comprehensive plan for doing just what she promises in the title. I'm going to use many of her ideas in my own family.
March 13, 2012
Notwithstanding the slightly creepy cover illustration and nondescript title, The Parenting Breakthrough is an awesome book! I have a parenting book addiction and this is one of my top 3 favorites of all time. It is by an LDS author, but other than some emphasis on saving money for missions the whole book is applicable to pretty much anybody (religious or not) who wants to raise children who will become decent, self-sufficient, resourceful adults.
This book gave me a longer-term vision for my family and helped me start thinking about what I want our life plan to be so we end up there. It also made me feel okay about giving my kids the amount of chores and responsibilities I do. I've had more than a few raised eyebrows when people find that my 7-year-old makes her own school lunches, or that my 5-year-old folds and puts away her own clean laundry, or that my 3-year-old goes out to the garage and sorts the recyclables into bins completely independently. Am I making them work too hard? This book helped me realize that there are way too many life skills and I've only got so many years to teach them. I'm glad I read it when my kids are still young.
This book gave me a longer-term vision for my family and helped me start thinking about what I want our life plan to be so we end up there. It also made me feel okay about giving my kids the amount of chores and responsibilities I do. I've had more than a few raised eyebrows when people find that my 7-year-old makes her own school lunches, or that my 5-year-old folds and puts away her own clean laundry, or that my 3-year-old goes out to the garage and sorts the recyclables into bins completely independently. Am I making them work too hard? This book helped me realize that there are way too many life skills and I've only got so many years to teach them. I'm glad I read it when my kids are still young.
December 5, 2009
I liked this one. As far as parenting books go, I think it was really helpful in an unpretencious way. I didn't realize when I picked it up that she was a member of my church and so I found that so many of her experiences and tips were applicable to me in very specific ways. Of course it wasn't ALL about religeous stuff, though that was a key component. It goes a lot into helping kids develope a good work ethic and ideas on helping them understand money. The whole idea being that when they turn 18 and are ready to get booted out of the house, they'll actually BE READY to get booted out of the house. I got some great ideas and am thinking of buying my own copy so I can force my husband to read it and then I can refer to it later as my kids get older and I forget some of her great tips on raising older kids.
May 30, 2008
I enjoyed this book. I've never been into parenting books, but this was recommended by a neighbor so I thought I'd give it a try. I expected it would take longer to get through, as most non-fictions do, but it turned out to be a fairly quick read. I really enjoyed her candidness (she's real), and she has a straight forward approach to teaching our chldren to be independant. We do coddle our children too much, and although some of her ideas seem odd because we haven't as of yet considered them, they make sense if we want our children to enter the adult world more prepared than many of us were. The author is LDS, but she is as straight forward about this as everything else. To be a parent today, we need all the help we can get from family, friends, and God.
February 12, 2015
I had a hard time rating this book, so I give it a non-committal 3 stars. I love the author's writing style, so it was much more fun to read than most parenting books. I also gained some perspective about how important it is for my kids to learn independence, and there were many great ideas to help parents teach their children. However, you have to keep in mind that the author has a right, since this is her book, to insert her own opinions. I agree with some, not others, and that is fine. For the most part, I found some great tools that I have already started implementing in my family. And even with a 3 star rating, this is a book that I will pick up and reference many times throughout the next 18 years or so!
March 19, 2016
Her conversational tone got on my nerves and her traditionalist attitude about gender roles was a bit annoying and seemed very dated (despite this being published in 2004 or 2005). That being said, I really love the idea that at each age and stage you should be raising your child towards independence. Her list of things that each child should be doing at specific ages is something that I plan on using over and over and over. Today I just had my 4 year old try and make a peanut butter sandwich. He needed some help - so I suppose we need to do some "training" but the idea of helping him learn how to be independent is actually pretty great. That being said - this is definitely not a must read parenting book.
October 23, 2008
This is a REALLY good book! I love how straight forward and to the point that the author is. Also love her "no guilt" philosophy. When I first saw the break down of what her kids did at each age I was in shock! They could do so much! I mean goodness toilets at 7 years old? But since working with her principals I see how completely necessary it is for kids to work so they can feel accomplishment. I also like how she talks about "training" kids (the same goes for training me too), so that by the time they are responsible for a chore they know exactly what is expected and they know how to do it. I could go on forever! Excellent book!
July 4, 2010
This book has some great ideas by a candid mother of four who seems to have hit the nose on the head--it's all about having a plan. Without a clear and concise plan we parents are just flailing about. I find her plan is a great jumping off point, especially her ideas on teaching children life-skills, how to work and money management. She didn't make me feel like she is fabulous at what she does with her children and I am not. In fact, she reminded me what we mothers and fathers are all trying to accomplish in the first place--righteous, independent, hard-working children who will someday be righteous, independent, hard-working adults.
January 5, 2008
I wish I could buy this for every parent I know. A step by step guide on teaching kids responsibility! It even breaks it down into lists by ages. Your 3 year old should be able to dress himself, your five year old should be able to make his lunch, your 16 year old should be able to change the oil in the car. As a teacher I saw far too many children who were never trusted to be responsible for themselves. (One 9 year old's Mom walked him to class and sharpened his pencils everyday)! There are also helpful sections on money management and creating a family identity that I enjoyed.
August 16, 2013
I really liked "The Plan" in this book--the idea is that there are a bunch of skills kids need to know before they leave home so why not have a plan for teaching them? It can be as flexible as a family wants it to be and has some great ideas and some interesting parenting-management techniques that you might find helpful. It's not a book about how to discipline your kids, but how to teach them to be independent.
November 18, 2012
The goal is for kids to learn certain skills (like making their bed and answering the telephone) year by year as they grow up so that by the time they leave the house as adults, they have all the skills they need to be self-reliant. Worth buying this book for her list of things kids should learn each year. We print them out on 3x5 cards for each kid and mark them off as they learn them. I don't think she's a great writer, but this book is a great idea.
January 25, 2013
Awesome! I love when mothers take seriously the responsibility to teach and prepare their children to be responsible, independent adults. Lots of great ideas that my husband and I are discussing and adapting to meet the needs of our family. My favorite feature: a comprehensive list of skills to teach your children before they go out on their own and the approximate ages of when to teach them.
May 27, 2013
I loved this book. Borrowed it from a friend but want my own copy ASAP! I will be retreading this and taking pointers often. I loved the last three chapters, the ideas of family themes and mottos, the advice to shut my yap and listen sometimes, and the allowance and overall feel of parenting taught in this book!
January 22, 2014
I came away with a lot of good ideas to implement with my kids after reading this. Some of her ideas were a little too much for me, and she kind of lost me with the family mission statement and themes. But I really liked her suggestions on how to teach your kids to be financially independent. Also, her ideas for teaching new skills to your kids was something that has worked for our family.
February 7, 2017
Life-changing, inspirational, and hilarious. I pretty much feel like Merrilee is my best friend. :) I have five boys and this book has helped me in more ways than I can count. I have read it approximately a million times, and I'll read it a million more before these boys are grown. Thank you, Merrilee.
February 20, 2008
I loved this book. It gave me a lot of great ideas for teaching my kids how to be more independent. By implementing some of the ideas from this book it has made a huge difference in my family already.
April 30, 2008
This is book is absolutely essential for any parenting library. It is a whole new (unfortunately) paradigm and the GREATEST book! It deals with teaching kids independence and the life skills they need to grow up and be adults.
June 4, 2008
I have been thinking a lot about the skills I want to teach my kids so they learn to work and be independent, and then I fell upon this book - such a great, practical resource for raising kids with life skills and a good work ethic!
August 12, 2013
Excellent resource for involving your children in maintaining your family home and teaching them to become self sufficient adults. I especially liked the chart for what children can reasonably do (and be expected to do) at certain ages.
July 25, 2008
Re-read. Now if I can just figure out how to DO all these good ideas. :-)
September 13, 2010
I absolutely loved this book! I recommend it to parents who need direction in how to get your children to work, to save money for their future, etc.
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