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I Married You
Set in a big city in Africa, covering only a few days of Walter and Ingrid’s life, the story develops in a surprising and suspenseful way. Through the struggles of the people they are trying to help, both find themselves facing unexpected challenges to their own marriage. Nothing in this book is fiction. All the stories have really happened. All of the conversations have really taken place. The people involved are still living today. The setting of these events is Africa, but the problems dealt with are relevant to all parts and to all cultures.
168 pages, Paperback
First published December 1, 1971
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October 21, 2010
This is one of the best books about Christian marriage that I've ever come across. Rather than being written as a teaching guide or text book, it's a narrative. It describes the author's experiences giving a brief series of lectures about marriage to an audience in an un-named African country.
During just a few days, Walter Trobisch meets someone unsure whether she really loves her fiancé, a girl in an imprisoning relationship, and a young man who would really love to be married but has not yet found the right person. He also meets a pastor who's struggling to balance family life with his ministry... and even has his own marriage crisis when his wife arrives for the last day of his tour.
The teaching he gives to the African congregation is down-to-earth, straightforward, Biblical and wise. It also demonstrates some interesting images which stayed with me long after I first read the book, as a newly-wed. I picked it up again recently, remembering how much I'd enjoyed it nearly thirty years ago, and found myself gripped once more. The theories are not new - I found myself thinking that some of what's said would seem very old-fashioned these days - but the people he met were interesting, their problems relevant and real.
Trobisch comes across as a believable, flawed person who wants to help others and has a genuine gift of counselling.
Very readable; definitely recommended.
During just a few days, Walter Trobisch meets someone unsure whether she really loves her fiancé, a girl in an imprisoning relationship, and a young man who would really love to be married but has not yet found the right person. He also meets a pastor who's struggling to balance family life with his ministry... and even has his own marriage crisis when his wife arrives for the last day of his tour.
The teaching he gives to the African congregation is down-to-earth, straightforward, Biblical and wise. It also demonstrates some interesting images which stayed with me long after I first read the book, as a newly-wed. I picked it up again recently, remembering how much I'd enjoyed it nearly thirty years ago, and found myself gripped once more. The theories are not new - I found myself thinking that some of what's said would seem very old-fashioned these days - but the people he met were interesting, their problems relevant and real.
Trobisch comes across as a believable, flawed person who wants to help others and has a genuine gift of counselling.
Very readable; definitely recommended.
February 20, 2008
This book is so present-tense and compelling. It gets you in the mind of the pastor who narrates a true account as though it were happening now. I love how the author interweaves ideas and principles of marriage with slices of God's word and parallels it with the unfolding of very vivid true stories of love, pain, and new life. I think this is a beautiful picture of how life is (and a perspective which discovers that!) - we have a lot of knowledge on love and life, but ideas and faith are constantly shaped, challenged, and deepened as they are lived out or witnessed in how real-life messes are transformed.
So Good!
So Good!
August 3, 2013
Great book, the ending nearly brought tears to my eyes.
Leave, Cleave, Become One flesh is the eternal truth that sustains a marriage.
The link between the central theme and Christ's love for the church is really an eye opener. it's a really new concept to me.
I personally recommend it to everyone, especially for young people- engaged or not.
Leave, Cleave, Become One flesh is the eternal truth that sustains a marriage.
The link between the central theme and Christ's love for the church is really an eye opener. it's a really new concept to me.
I personally recommend it to everyone, especially for young people- engaged or not.
November 9, 2021
Just read this book if you are contemplating marriage.
Read
October 28, 2018I won’t rate this book, for reasons I will discuss later. I first read it when I was engaged. Recently I picked it up again, and this time I saw more clearly both the good and the bad it contains. The author must have been a colorful man. He was German and fought on the Russian front during World War II, but eventually became a Lutheran missionary in Cameroon. Later he and his wife took up the role of traveling throughout Africa to speak and teach about Christian family life. From his writing it is clear he was a dedicated, sincere, opinionated pastor. A bit of a loose canon perhaps.
The structure of the book is quite artistic. Trobisch recounts a four-day visit to a particular African town. He weaves together the stories of several individuals he counseled, the contents of his own lectures on marriage, and tension between himself and his own wife. It all works very effectually and movingly as a whole. I also appreciated the way the “foreign” cultural context (foreign all around--I am a modern American reading about an old-school German talking to traditionally-minded Africans) allows readers to see marriage afresh.
Certainly, Trobisch makes several powerful points. His discussion of marriage as requiring the three-part structure of “leaving” (one’s parents), “cleaving,” (legally recognized marriage) and “loving” (becoming one flesh both physically and emotionally) allows him to address a wide variety of marital problems. He offers an unusual rejoinder to the claim that traditional marriage restricts love: “God Himself is love, but He gave up His freedom and power. He humbled Himself and accepted restraint and limitations. God become incarnate. Love was made flesh.”
Perhaps the best paragraph in the book is this one: “... Love needs marriage as much as marriage needs love. In the sad hours when love is in danger of growing cold, husband and wife cling to the fact that they are married and remind each other of their mutual promise. ‘After all, I married you,’ they say. Thus, marriage becomes the protector, the guardian of love.”
On the other hand, the book also approaches issues like abuse and addiction in a way that is quite disturbing. For instance, a woman who seeks out Trobisch’s counsel is involved in a live-in relationship so controlling that her boyfriend locks her into the house whenever he goes out. It is implied that he beats her. He also insisted she abort their child. At one point, she comes very close to committing suicide. Yet when she initially approaches the author, the problem she perceives is simply that her boyfriend won’t marry her legally. Trobisch never tells her the things an American wants her to hear--never says she is being abused, that she must flee, that no one has the right to lock her up and control her movements, etc. The abuser is not treated as dangerous, even when the woman does decide to leave him. Even the potential suicide attempt is treated as a once-and-done thing that has been solved by the removal of her despair through a religious conversion.
Judging from the structure of the book, Trobisch intends this story to illustrate the dysfunctional nature of what happens when a woman is trying to use sex to gain commitment and the man is using the lure of commitment to get sex (typically, the advantages are all with the man). Yet for many readers, Trobisch’s attitude toward abuse and depression will seem so upsetting and potentially dangerous as to bury his intended message. Other passages in the book, including a reference to the story of Tamar that sounds like victim-blaming, intensify the problem.
Now, it is quite possible that the way the author addressed the woman’s felt needs rather than telling her what to do actually worked better than the sort of speech a modern American would have given. He was there. He was able to judge the situation better than any of the many arm-chair psychologists social media spawns. I do not doubt Trobisch’s sincerity and desire to help. Where he is or may be in error, I am willing to exercise patience for an approach that was common in his time and place. Yet these issues prevent his book from being useful to a truly broad audience. It's a pity, because he has solid stuff to say and he says it so very well!
The structure of the book is quite artistic. Trobisch recounts a four-day visit to a particular African town. He weaves together the stories of several individuals he counseled, the contents of his own lectures on marriage, and tension between himself and his own wife. It all works very effectually and movingly as a whole. I also appreciated the way the “foreign” cultural context (foreign all around--I am a modern American reading about an old-school German talking to traditionally-minded Africans) allows readers to see marriage afresh.
Certainly, Trobisch makes several powerful points. His discussion of marriage as requiring the three-part structure of “leaving” (one’s parents), “cleaving,” (legally recognized marriage) and “loving” (becoming one flesh both physically and emotionally) allows him to address a wide variety of marital problems. He offers an unusual rejoinder to the claim that traditional marriage restricts love: “God Himself is love, but He gave up His freedom and power. He humbled Himself and accepted restraint and limitations. God become incarnate. Love was made flesh.”
Perhaps the best paragraph in the book is this one: “... Love needs marriage as much as marriage needs love. In the sad hours when love is in danger of growing cold, husband and wife cling to the fact that they are married and remind each other of their mutual promise. ‘After all, I married you,’ they say. Thus, marriage becomes the protector, the guardian of love.”
On the other hand, the book also approaches issues like abuse and addiction in a way that is quite disturbing. For instance, a woman who seeks out Trobisch’s counsel is involved in a live-in relationship so controlling that her boyfriend locks her into the house whenever he goes out. It is implied that he beats her. He also insisted she abort their child. At one point, she comes very close to committing suicide. Yet when she initially approaches the author, the problem she perceives is simply that her boyfriend won’t marry her legally. Trobisch never tells her the things an American wants her to hear--never says she is being abused, that she must flee, that no one has the right to lock her up and control her movements, etc. The abuser is not treated as dangerous, even when the woman does decide to leave him. Even the potential suicide attempt is treated as a once-and-done thing that has been solved by the removal of her despair through a religious conversion.
Judging from the structure of the book, Trobisch intends this story to illustrate the dysfunctional nature of what happens when a woman is trying to use sex to gain commitment and the man is using the lure of commitment to get sex (typically, the advantages are all with the man). Yet for many readers, Trobisch’s attitude toward abuse and depression will seem so upsetting and potentially dangerous as to bury his intended message. Other passages in the book, including a reference to the story of Tamar that sounds like victim-blaming, intensify the problem.
Now, it is quite possible that the way the author addressed the woman’s felt needs rather than telling her what to do actually worked better than the sort of speech a modern American would have given. He was there. He was able to judge the situation better than any of the many arm-chair psychologists social media spawns. I do not doubt Trobisch’s sincerity and desire to help. Where he is or may be in error, I am willing to exercise patience for an approach that was common in his time and place. Yet these issues prevent his book from being useful to a truly broad audience. It's a pity, because he has solid stuff to say and he says it so very well!
December 15, 2014
The beginning was intriguing, but as it progressed the story lines became quite predictable, and then like in any fairy tale (even though these are supposed to be authentic stories), everything gets resolved and tied with a pretty little bow on the last page.
The author also seemed quite full of himself. Something about the way he presented himself as this sage character-that he is filled with infinite wisdom-it just bugged me. So although I liked some of the information, I felt the presentation of it took away from the content. On the other hand, if this book interests you, it's so short that it doesn't really matter one way or the other.
The author also seemed quite full of himself. Something about the way he presented himself as this sage character-that he is filled with infinite wisdom-it just bugged me. So although I liked some of the information, I felt the presentation of it took away from the content. On the other hand, if this book interests you, it's so short that it doesn't really matter one way or the other.
September 9, 2014
Simply beautiful... The many lives, stories, couples, nuances, all leading to the becoming ONE, as Christ and His Bride! Every person with breath in their lungs, and who are considering getting married SHOULD READ THIS BOOK! It is telling of why True Love must wait. I travel regularly between South Africa and America and this book debunked some of my thinking of how different we might consider marriage. We really are not that different in our way of thinking.
How many times have you heard a marriage license should require a test, like a drivers license. "the garden vs. partners" and "the tent/triangle theory" should be prerequisite learning to obtaining ones marriage license.
How many times have you heard a marriage license should require a test, like a drivers license. "the garden vs. partners" and "the tent/triangle theory" should be prerequisite learning to obtaining ones marriage license.
July 22, 2011
If you are getting married, I believe you need to read this book!
Read
September 25, 2019Milý Maurici, tolikrát si v duchu přeji, aby to byli muži, kteří otěhotní.
Neměli by vstupovat do manželství ti, kdo chtějí být šťastni.
Neměli by vstupovat do manželství ti, kdo chtějí být šťastni.
February 16, 2018
Best book on marriage I’ve ever read.
September 27, 2008
Tells a good story and weaves in thoughtful insights on marriage. As is the case with much in life, maybe marriage is best understood when our own norms are contrasted with those of an entirely different culture -- I think the indirect comparison of Western with African values contributes heavily to the book's power.
June 10, 2015
I wish I had read this book when I was single. It is a great book on marriage with true stories of marital problems in Africa which can apply to marriages around the world.
June 28, 2021
Such a good book.
June 25, 2021
This had some good points that made me think. It also had some obvious points, but of course you're going to have those when you're covering such a broad subject. I disagreed with a few of his assertions (I forget if he outright said he didn't believe in using birth control, but it was definitely implied), but those were mostly minor quibbles. Although, it was hard to get into the book, as much of my ire at what he wrote happens within the first ten pages. But, overall, a good book to read for any married couple or people looking to get married.
Some thoughts as I was reading the book:
p. 9: This is really page 1 of the book, and it didn't start out on the best foot...it described Miriam as having an "intelligent forehead"...what exactly does that look like?!
p. 11: Now he describes Esther as an "intelligent-looking woman"...that's not actually a descriptive feature.
p. 15: I don't get what problems you can imagine...just because the husband doesn't want children?! There's nothing wrong with that!
p. 17: Boy, this book is really not starting out well - what's wrong with being 34 and not married?!
p. 20: Ok, now we start talking about marriage (the whole point of this book), which means we're finally getting to the good parts: "It (marriage) is like a deep well, filled with clear drinking water. You can lower your pail into it as long as you live, and it will never come up empty. You will always draw clear and fresh water." (Appears 4x in the Bible.)
p. 21: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, they become one flesh.
p. 22/23: "You can't get married without leaving," I repeated. "If no real leaving takes place, the marriage will be in trouble. If the young couple have no chance to start their own home, completely separate from their families, the danger is great that the in-laws will interfere continuously."
p. 25: "The literal sense of the Hebrew word for 'to cleave' is to stick to, to paste, to be glued to a person. Husband and wife are glued together like two pieces of paper. If you try to separate two pieces of paper which are glued together, you tear them both. [...] Another consequence of this being glued together is that husband and wife are closest to each other, closer than to anything else and to anyone else in the world.
[...] It is more important than the husband's work or profession, more important than the wife's house cleaning and cooking, or in case she works, than her profession.
[...] It is more important than the husband's friends or the wife's friends, more important than visitors and guests, even more important than the children."
p. 26: (Umm, what about for the people that physically cant!?) - "This physical aspect (becoming one flesh) is as essential for marriage as the legal and personal aspect. The physical union between husband and wife is as much within God's will for marriage as is the leaving of the parents and the cleaving to each other."
p. 26/27: "I know that some people are embarrassed to talk about the physical aspect of marriage. [...] Don't you know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit? And so, we can talk about it. We must talk about it, even in church. I might even ask: Where else could we talk about it, reverently and respectfully, if not in church?"
p. 27: "Of course, 'to become one flesh' means much more than just the physical union. It means that two persons share everything they have, not only their bodies, not only their material possessions, but also their thinking and their feeling, their joy and their suffering, their hopes and their fears, theirs successes and their failures. 'To become one flesh' means that two persons become completely one with body, soul, and spirit, and yet there remains two different persons."
p. 29: It is not two halves which make one whole, but two whole persons form an entirely new whole. This is to become 'one flesh.'"
p. 31: (Thank you for making clear the place of children in a marriage) - "Children are a blessing to marriage, but they are an additional blessing to marriage. When God created Adam and Eve, He blessed them, and then He said to them: "Be fruitful and multiply" (Gen. 1:28). From the Hebrew text, it is clear that this commandment was an additional action to the action of blessing.
Therefore, when the Bible describes the indispensable elements of marriage, it is significant that children are not expressly mentioned. Leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh are sufficient. Full stop. Even if there are no children, the one-flesh union does not become meaningless.
"The full stop means that the child does not make marriage a marriage. A childless marriage is also a marriage in the full sense of the word."
p. 35: The place of the child is in the center of the triangle (of leaving, cleaving and one flesh). It begins in the physical union of the father and mother. The love and faithfulness of both parents surround it, and the legality of the marriage contract protects it.
p. 39: "Love never forces the other one. Real love gives the other one complete freedom, even the freedom to say 'No.' If she married you in order to keep you from committing suicide, she would marry you out of fear, not out of love."
p. 48: Marriage is built upon the tent of Love, Wedlock, and One Flesh.
p. 50: "There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Marriage keeps us humble. The safest way to become humble about one's virtues is to get married. We always have to work on one of the angles of the triangle.
p. 52: (Lol, I think the author needs to watch some Hallmark movies) - "There is one possibility which is very rarely envisioned by these films and novels. It is the possibility of happy married love, of love as an integral part of the triangle."
p. 52: (Hmm, moving in together doesn't always (or even often) lead to broken hearts and destroyed lives. Just because you've lost your virginity, doesn't mean you're never going to be married. If they have a child before they're married, it doesn't mean the father is automatically going to leave...).
p. 53: (Are you saying you're against contraceptives?!) - "Especially in premarital situations, certain contraceptive methods represent a definite menace to the spontaneity and dignity of love."
p. 54: (Umm, this marriage problem is caused by lack of communication and trust. It could easily happen if they were married, too.) - "After the film had run about twenty minutes, the viewers realized that the couple was not married. [...] At first everything went all right. Then the girl became pregnant. The love and confidence between them was not deep enough so that she dared to tell her 'husband.' She was afraid that he would leave her. She, therefore, decided to have an abortion secretly.
The last scene shows her lying exhausted on the couch in their apartment after the operation. He comes home from work and understands what has happened. He sits down at the other end of a large and empty table that separates them. Silence reigns. Neither one speaks. They have nothing to say to each other any more. Because of the missing angle of the wedding, love has no chance to prove its durability and genuineness. Sex became the death of love."
p. 60: (Umm, what about because they both like it?) - "Why does a boy try to sleep with a girl whom he hardly knows and for whom he doesn't really care? Usually there are three major motives:
1. He is afraid that unless he has sex, that he will become sick or neurotic, or both.
2. He thinks he has to learn by doing.
3. He wants to brag about his conquest."
p. 68: (Yes, Daniel needs to set office hours. He has to treat his marriage with importance as well. This is bad communication.)
p. 71/72: (Here we go again with the idea of contraceptives being 'a threat to love').
p. 72: (Ok, finally he says he's ok with birth control if you have a conversation.)
p. 73: "Do you advise people sometimes to get a divorce?"
"Would a doctor advise his patient to die? He would fight for his patient's life as long as there is a spark of hope. In the same way, I would fight for a marriage as long as there is the least sign of life in it. But there are marriages where you simply have to admit: This marriage is dead."
p. 75: (about Daniel's wife): "She's not your garden, Daniel. She's your roommate in your tent - your tent mate, if you want to put it that way."
p. 77: (Lol, the feast isn't the important part of being married - good thing John is talking to this pastor.)
p. 79: (Multiple points where John and Fatma have failed to communicate with each other - communication is so important!)
p. 84: (Lack of communication being a problem is a recurring theme in this book...this time between Timothy and Miriam.)
p. 90: "Enter marriage from love" (duh).
p. 92: "The 6 tests of love:
1. The Sharing Test: Real love wants to share, to give, to reach out. It thinks of the other one, not of themselves. When you read something, how often do you have the thought, I would like to share this with my friend? When you plan something, do you think of what you would like to do, or what the other one would enjoy? Those who want to become happy should not marry. The important thing is to make the other one happy. Those who want to be understood should not marry. The important thing is to understand one's partner.
2. The Strength test: Does our love give us new strength and fill us with creative energy?
3. The Respect test: Do we really have enough respect for each other? Am I proud of my partner?
4. The habit test: Love accepts the other one with their habits. Don't marry on the installment plan, thinking that these things will change later on. Very likely they will not. You must accept the other one as they are now, including their habits and shortcomings.
5. The Quarrel test: Are you able to forgive each other and to give in to each other?
6. The Time test: One year, I would say, is the minimum. Two years may be safer. It is good to see each other, not only on holidays and in Sunday clothes, but also at work, in daily living, unshaved and in a T-shirt, or with hair that needs to be washed and set, in situations of stress or danger. There is an old saying: 'Never get married until you have summered and wintered with your partner.'
7. Sex is no test of love.
p. 99: I like the diagram! A triangle with corners of Love, Wedlock, and Sex. Parallel lines starting at the corner of love, and going across the triangle until you reach the Wedlock/Sex side of the triangle. The point is that as you take a step closer to wedlock for faithfulness, you take an equal step closer to sex (more tenderness). The lines have to remain parallel. If they do, then you reach wedlock and sex at the same time (as it should be).
p. 101: (Having sex and/or marriage to 'save their love' reminds me of couples deciding to have a baby to 'save their marriage.)
105: (Hmm, I hadn't thought of this before): "Virginity is not just a mark of the body, a question of having the hymen or not. To me, it is much more a question of the heart, of the ability to love. It is not something which a girl loses, but which she gives."
p. 106: "God is always ready to begin anew with us. Therefore, we can always begin anew with others. And I tell you, there is not a single day in marriage when you don't have to begin anew in some respect with your wife. And she with you."
p. 107: "Either we believe in forgiveness, or we don't."
p. 115: "Jesus said to the adulteress: 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again.'"
p. 116: "He (God) did not forget you, but He does forget your sins."
p. 123: "Wouldn't you say that Fatma's deepest need is God? [...] You said that her deepest need is a place."
"It's the same God is the only place there is. Those who find a place, find God. And those who find God, have found a place - regardless of where they are and regardless of whether they are married or single." (It's ok to be single)
p. 126/127: "Many sexual (and other) problems in our day arise because people think they, at all costs, have to avoid pain, renunciation, and tension. I believe that tension is something positive. It belongs to growing up and becoming mature. One day, you will have to learn to stand up under tension - and a good time to learn it is before marriage."
p. 137: (Umm, this is not ok for the pastor to do to his wife): "Couldn't Ingrid come (preach) instead of me?"
Ingrid raised her head with a start and sat up straight.
"Just let me ask her."
Ingrid shook her head violently.
"She okayed it," I said. "Pick her up in fifteen minutes."
p. 138: (Be subject to each other) - "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church," was the key verse. How did Christ love the church? He served her, I thought. He did not come to be served, but to serve. He made himself subject to her, gave himself up for her.
This cast a new light for me on the verse which all husbands hail and all wives abhor: "Wives, be subject to your husbands." It dawned on me that, then, the submission of the wife is only a submission in response to the submission of her husband. "Be subject to one another."
p. 139: (Umm, what if she doesn't want another baby?) - "Real hard bargaining belongs to marriage, too."
"All right. What should we bargain about?"
"He stops drinking, and you agree to have another baby."
p. 140: (Ha! I spotted a typo (an extraneous comma)! I should be an editor! The sentence reads, "Daniel had a little stand, and we hung it on that, right in front of the altar where all, the people could see it.")
p. 141: (Wow, I never knew this was a belief in Africa, or anywhere else) - "...they had a hard time when I talked about breast-feeding. They are thoroughly convinced that, if a breast-feeding mother has intercourse with her husband, her milk will be spoiled, and the baby will get sick, perhaps even die. And, since they breast-feed their babies at least until they start to walk, intercourse is forbidden for one year, sometimes two years after the birth of a child. [...] It never dawned on me to what degree a false biological conception can have ethical consequences. [...] "I think it's here where missions have failed. Instead of moralizing, we should have given information."
p. 142: (Wow, the pastor is very insensitive when his wife wants to share something she read on the plane with him, and he responds, "Ingrid, please understand, not now! I haven't done anything on my sermon yet.")
p. 143: (Wow, the pastor still doesn't get that he messed up the next morning. His wife is mad at him!)
p. 145: "Our (the pastor and wife) tent broke down."
"You mean you..."
"Yes, we have a marriage crisis."
"You're joking. Is it possible for a marriage counselor also to have a marriage crisis?"
"That's just like asking, 'Is it possible for a doctor to fall ill?"
p. 146: (Little gestures matter to show you care!)
Some thoughts as I was reading the book:
p. 9: This is really page 1 of the book, and it didn't start out on the best foot...it described Miriam as having an "intelligent forehead"...what exactly does that look like?!
p. 11: Now he describes Esther as an "intelligent-looking woman"...that's not actually a descriptive feature.
p. 15: I don't get what problems you can imagine...just because the husband doesn't want children?! There's nothing wrong with that!
p. 17: Boy, this book is really not starting out well - what's wrong with being 34 and not married?!
p. 20: Ok, now we start talking about marriage (the whole point of this book), which means we're finally getting to the good parts: "It (marriage) is like a deep well, filled with clear drinking water. You can lower your pail into it as long as you live, and it will never come up empty. You will always draw clear and fresh water." (Appears 4x in the Bible.)
p. 21: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, they become one flesh.
p. 22/23: "You can't get married without leaving," I repeated. "If no real leaving takes place, the marriage will be in trouble. If the young couple have no chance to start their own home, completely separate from their families, the danger is great that the in-laws will interfere continuously."
p. 25: "The literal sense of the Hebrew word for 'to cleave' is to stick to, to paste, to be glued to a person. Husband and wife are glued together like two pieces of paper. If you try to separate two pieces of paper which are glued together, you tear them both. [...] Another consequence of this being glued together is that husband and wife are closest to each other, closer than to anything else and to anyone else in the world.
[...] It is more important than the husband's work or profession, more important than the wife's house cleaning and cooking, or in case she works, than her profession.
[...] It is more important than the husband's friends or the wife's friends, more important than visitors and guests, even more important than the children."
p. 26: (Umm, what about for the people that physically cant!?) - "This physical aspect (becoming one flesh) is as essential for marriage as the legal and personal aspect. The physical union between husband and wife is as much within God's will for marriage as is the leaving of the parents and the cleaving to each other."
p. 26/27: "I know that some people are embarrassed to talk about the physical aspect of marriage. [...] Don't you know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit? And so, we can talk about it. We must talk about it, even in church. I might even ask: Where else could we talk about it, reverently and respectfully, if not in church?"
p. 27: "Of course, 'to become one flesh' means much more than just the physical union. It means that two persons share everything they have, not only their bodies, not only their material possessions, but also their thinking and their feeling, their joy and their suffering, their hopes and their fears, theirs successes and their failures. 'To become one flesh' means that two persons become completely one with body, soul, and spirit, and yet there remains two different persons."
p. 29: It is not two halves which make one whole, but two whole persons form an entirely new whole. This is to become 'one flesh.'"
p. 31: (Thank you for making clear the place of children in a marriage) - "Children are a blessing to marriage, but they are an additional blessing to marriage. When God created Adam and Eve, He blessed them, and then He said to them: "Be fruitful and multiply" (Gen. 1:28). From the Hebrew text, it is clear that this commandment was an additional action to the action of blessing.
Therefore, when the Bible describes the indispensable elements of marriage, it is significant that children are not expressly mentioned. Leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh are sufficient. Full stop. Even if there are no children, the one-flesh union does not become meaningless.
"The full stop means that the child does not make marriage a marriage. A childless marriage is also a marriage in the full sense of the word."
p. 35: The place of the child is in the center of the triangle (of leaving, cleaving and one flesh). It begins in the physical union of the father and mother. The love and faithfulness of both parents surround it, and the legality of the marriage contract protects it.
p. 39: "Love never forces the other one. Real love gives the other one complete freedom, even the freedom to say 'No.' If she married you in order to keep you from committing suicide, she would marry you out of fear, not out of love."
p. 48: Marriage is built upon the tent of Love, Wedlock, and One Flesh.
p. 50: "There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Marriage keeps us humble. The safest way to become humble about one's virtues is to get married. We always have to work on one of the angles of the triangle.
p. 52: (Lol, I think the author needs to watch some Hallmark movies) - "There is one possibility which is very rarely envisioned by these films and novels. It is the possibility of happy married love, of love as an integral part of the triangle."
p. 52: (Hmm, moving in together doesn't always (or even often) lead to broken hearts and destroyed lives. Just because you've lost your virginity, doesn't mean you're never going to be married. If they have a child before they're married, it doesn't mean the father is automatically going to leave...).
p. 53: (Are you saying you're against contraceptives?!) - "Especially in premarital situations, certain contraceptive methods represent a definite menace to the spontaneity and dignity of love."
p. 54: (Umm, this marriage problem is caused by lack of communication and trust. It could easily happen if they were married, too.) - "After the film had run about twenty minutes, the viewers realized that the couple was not married. [...] At first everything went all right. Then the girl became pregnant. The love and confidence between them was not deep enough so that she dared to tell her 'husband.' She was afraid that he would leave her. She, therefore, decided to have an abortion secretly.
The last scene shows her lying exhausted on the couch in their apartment after the operation. He comes home from work and understands what has happened. He sits down at the other end of a large and empty table that separates them. Silence reigns. Neither one speaks. They have nothing to say to each other any more. Because of the missing angle of the wedding, love has no chance to prove its durability and genuineness. Sex became the death of love."
p. 60: (Umm, what about because they both like it?) - "Why does a boy try to sleep with a girl whom he hardly knows and for whom he doesn't really care? Usually there are three major motives:
1. He is afraid that unless he has sex, that he will become sick or neurotic, or both.
2. He thinks he has to learn by doing.
3. He wants to brag about his conquest."
p. 68: (Yes, Daniel needs to set office hours. He has to treat his marriage with importance as well. This is bad communication.)
p. 71/72: (Here we go again with the idea of contraceptives being 'a threat to love').
p. 72: (Ok, finally he says he's ok with birth control if you have a conversation.)
p. 73: "Do you advise people sometimes to get a divorce?"
"Would a doctor advise his patient to die? He would fight for his patient's life as long as there is a spark of hope. In the same way, I would fight for a marriage as long as there is the least sign of life in it. But there are marriages where you simply have to admit: This marriage is dead."
p. 75: (about Daniel's wife): "She's not your garden, Daniel. She's your roommate in your tent - your tent mate, if you want to put it that way."
p. 77: (Lol, the feast isn't the important part of being married - good thing John is talking to this pastor.)
p. 79: (Multiple points where John and Fatma have failed to communicate with each other - communication is so important!)
p. 84: (Lack of communication being a problem is a recurring theme in this book...this time between Timothy and Miriam.)
p. 90: "Enter marriage from love" (duh).
p. 92: "The 6 tests of love:
1. The Sharing Test: Real love wants to share, to give, to reach out. It thinks of the other one, not of themselves. When you read something, how often do you have the thought, I would like to share this with my friend? When you plan something, do you think of what you would like to do, or what the other one would enjoy? Those who want to become happy should not marry. The important thing is to make the other one happy. Those who want to be understood should not marry. The important thing is to understand one's partner.
2. The Strength test: Does our love give us new strength and fill us with creative energy?
3. The Respect test: Do we really have enough respect for each other? Am I proud of my partner?
4. The habit test: Love accepts the other one with their habits. Don't marry on the installment plan, thinking that these things will change later on. Very likely they will not. You must accept the other one as they are now, including their habits and shortcomings.
5. The Quarrel test: Are you able to forgive each other and to give in to each other?
6. The Time test: One year, I would say, is the minimum. Two years may be safer. It is good to see each other, not only on holidays and in Sunday clothes, but also at work, in daily living, unshaved and in a T-shirt, or with hair that needs to be washed and set, in situations of stress or danger. There is an old saying: 'Never get married until you have summered and wintered with your partner.'
7. Sex is no test of love.
p. 99: I like the diagram! A triangle with corners of Love, Wedlock, and Sex. Parallel lines starting at the corner of love, and going across the triangle until you reach the Wedlock/Sex side of the triangle. The point is that as you take a step closer to wedlock for faithfulness, you take an equal step closer to sex (more tenderness). The lines have to remain parallel. If they do, then you reach wedlock and sex at the same time (as it should be).
p. 101: (Having sex and/or marriage to 'save their love' reminds me of couples deciding to have a baby to 'save their marriage.)
105: (Hmm, I hadn't thought of this before): "Virginity is not just a mark of the body, a question of having the hymen or not. To me, it is much more a question of the heart, of the ability to love. It is not something which a girl loses, but which she gives."
p. 106: "God is always ready to begin anew with us. Therefore, we can always begin anew with others. And I tell you, there is not a single day in marriage when you don't have to begin anew in some respect with your wife. And she with you."
p. 107: "Either we believe in forgiveness, or we don't."
p. 115: "Jesus said to the adulteress: 'Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again.'"
p. 116: "He (God) did not forget you, but He does forget your sins."
p. 123: "Wouldn't you say that Fatma's deepest need is God? [...] You said that her deepest need is a place."
"It's the same God is the only place there is. Those who find a place, find God. And those who find God, have found a place - regardless of where they are and regardless of whether they are married or single." (It's ok to be single)
p. 126/127: "Many sexual (and other) problems in our day arise because people think they, at all costs, have to avoid pain, renunciation, and tension. I believe that tension is something positive. It belongs to growing up and becoming mature. One day, you will have to learn to stand up under tension - and a good time to learn it is before marriage."
p. 137: (Umm, this is not ok for the pastor to do to his wife): "Couldn't Ingrid come (preach) instead of me?"
Ingrid raised her head with a start and sat up straight.
"Just let me ask her."
Ingrid shook her head violently.
"She okayed it," I said. "Pick her up in fifteen minutes."
p. 138: (Be subject to each other) - "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church," was the key verse. How did Christ love the church? He served her, I thought. He did not come to be served, but to serve. He made himself subject to her, gave himself up for her.
This cast a new light for me on the verse which all husbands hail and all wives abhor: "Wives, be subject to your husbands." It dawned on me that, then, the submission of the wife is only a submission in response to the submission of her husband. "Be subject to one another."
p. 139: (Umm, what if she doesn't want another baby?) - "Real hard bargaining belongs to marriage, too."
"All right. What should we bargain about?"
"He stops drinking, and you agree to have another baby."
p. 140: (Ha! I spotted a typo (an extraneous comma)! I should be an editor! The sentence reads, "Daniel had a little stand, and we hung it on that, right in front of the altar where all, the people could see it.")
p. 141: (Wow, I never knew this was a belief in Africa, or anywhere else) - "...they had a hard time when I talked about breast-feeding. They are thoroughly convinced that, if a breast-feeding mother has intercourse with her husband, her milk will be spoiled, and the baby will get sick, perhaps even die. And, since they breast-feed their babies at least until they start to walk, intercourse is forbidden for one year, sometimes two years after the birth of a child. [...] It never dawned on me to what degree a false biological conception can have ethical consequences. [...] "I think it's here where missions have failed. Instead of moralizing, we should have given information."
p. 142: (Wow, the pastor is very insensitive when his wife wants to share something she read on the plane with him, and he responds, "Ingrid, please understand, not now! I haven't done anything on my sermon yet.")
p. 143: (Wow, the pastor still doesn't get that he messed up the next morning. His wife is mad at him!)
p. 145: "Our (the pastor and wife) tent broke down."
"You mean you..."
"Yes, we have a marriage crisis."
"You're joking. Is it possible for a marriage counselor also to have a marriage crisis?"
"That's just like asking, 'Is it possible for a doctor to fall ill?"
p. 146: (Little gestures matter to show you care!)
March 5, 2019
The book, ‘I Married You’ is a Christian, non-fiction book as the stories in the book have really happened, and its target audience are singles- young adults, and couples. The book talks about marriage in a symbolic and descriptive way. It considers marriage as a triangle for which each of the three angles means something striking, and that these three angles form the Marriage. It further explains marriage in a legal, personal and physical perspective based on the Bible- the standard for its explanation. The settings of the event of this book is in the Continent of Africa, and it reveals salient truth about the dynamics of marriage and relationship which is not restricted to African couples only, but also relevant to people in other parts of the world.
Something interesting about the book is how it breaks down the meaning of ‘marriage’ based on Biblical standard so that its audience can understand what it means to be married indeed, and that anyone in a relationship understands what love is truly about. There is a comparison between the Western culture and practice of marriage and the African culture and practice of marriage. This book makes its readers understand that true love is possible but there’s no perfect marriage; and if the foundation for marriage and love is laid down well, then there will be no issues to build upon it. In other words, if marriage occurs based on the three solid angles that makes the Marriage triangle, then one can be sure he is truly married.
I also love the fact that the author uses the true-life story to drive home his point about love and relationship. The author being a marriage and relationship counselor, was involved in the story of this book and so shared experiences of different people who were married, in a confused relationship and another who is searching for real love. The interesting part was the author also sharing about his personal experience in his marriage in order to strengthen the main point of his message. It is a book that teaches on understanding differences, limits of culture involvement in marriage and relationship, sacrifice and forgiveness.
A turn off for me was the end part of the book that was sort of abrupt in its conclusion because I was expecting more, and suddenly the story was over. Regardless, I do think that the story was not incomplete because any other story I thought should have been added was not necessary because it would only be an extension or possible exaggeration of the story, not necessary a part of it to make it complete, true and factual. So, since the story happened in real life, it would be awkward for the author to add any extra story that’s not part of what really happened. It thus tells me that the book stays true to its reality. And then the intriguing story line that ended briskly for me still fulfilled its purpose because it was written not primarily to just share a story but for its audience to draw important lessons for life and for marriage.
This book ‘I Married You’ is a book that shares about hope, restoration, forgiveness, God and love. It ultimately focuses on the center of love which is God because God is known as LOVE. It appeals to the audience to find God and that way they can find love because, to have a love-based relationship and marriage, it needs to find its place and recognition in God who is LOVE.
Something interesting about the book is how it breaks down the meaning of ‘marriage’ based on Biblical standard so that its audience can understand what it means to be married indeed, and that anyone in a relationship understands what love is truly about. There is a comparison between the Western culture and practice of marriage and the African culture and practice of marriage. This book makes its readers understand that true love is possible but there’s no perfect marriage; and if the foundation for marriage and love is laid down well, then there will be no issues to build upon it. In other words, if marriage occurs based on the three solid angles that makes the Marriage triangle, then one can be sure he is truly married.
I also love the fact that the author uses the true-life story to drive home his point about love and relationship. The author being a marriage and relationship counselor, was involved in the story of this book and so shared experiences of different people who were married, in a confused relationship and another who is searching for real love. The interesting part was the author also sharing about his personal experience in his marriage in order to strengthen the main point of his message. It is a book that teaches on understanding differences, limits of culture involvement in marriage and relationship, sacrifice and forgiveness.
A turn off for me was the end part of the book that was sort of abrupt in its conclusion because I was expecting more, and suddenly the story was over. Regardless, I do think that the story was not incomplete because any other story I thought should have been added was not necessary because it would only be an extension or possible exaggeration of the story, not necessary a part of it to make it complete, true and factual. So, since the story happened in real life, it would be awkward for the author to add any extra story that’s not part of what really happened. It thus tells me that the book stays true to its reality. And then the intriguing story line that ended briskly for me still fulfilled its purpose because it was written not primarily to just share a story but for its audience to draw important lessons for life and for marriage.
This book ‘I Married You’ is a book that shares about hope, restoration, forgiveness, God and love. It ultimately focuses on the center of love which is God because God is known as LOVE. It appeals to the audience to find God and that way they can find love because, to have a love-based relationship and marriage, it needs to find its place and recognition in God who is LOVE.
November 29, 2018
The book ‘I Married You’ is a Christian, non-fiction book, as the stories in it have truly happened in the continent of Africa. Its target audience are singles (young adults*), and couples. The book discusses Christian marriage in a legal, personal and physical sense based on Genesis 2:24. It talks about the three angles of marriage- known as the triangle (Leave, Cleave, and One flesh). The setting of the events is Africa, but the problems dealt with are relevant to all parts of the world, and to all culture. The approach of the book to marriage and relationship is challenging and remarkable.
One of the strengths of the book is how it explains ‘marriage’ in the Biblical light, breaking it down for better understanding of the concept and idea of what marriage truly is. It compares the Western culture, and idea of marriage with the African’s culture and practice of marriage. This book disorientates the reader from thinking there’s a perfect marriage. It explains biblical views of intimacy within the covers of marriage, and marriage itself, as the author describes his efforts to help African couples resolve problems resulting from conflicts between tribal customs and Christianity.
Thinking about the weakness of the book, is to talk about the ending where I was expecting more to happen but it was cut short. It seemed to me like an incomplete story but then, all that was needed to be explained and taught had been included. I personally had wanted more due to its suspense filled and intriguing story line. However, I wouldn’t say it has failed to serve its purpose, but it ended somewhat briskly while I expected to see some extension from where it stopped.
The book successfully fits into the author’s body of work, as the author is a Missionary to Africa, teaching about relationships, marriages and the home. It covers the purpose for the author’s work and ministry. This book also compares to another of the author’s work titled “I Loved a Girl”, and it uses the dramatic stories of young African couples and singles to affirm the logic and values of the biblical view of sexuality and marriage.
Finally, the text captivates the minds of its targeted audience, cutting across countries, continents and homes in the story it shares and the purpose it tries to establish in the mind of singles, and married. It is a book that shares about hope, a second chance to succeed, restoration, forgiveness, love, and God. It expatiates on what should be priority in marriage, and handling distractions that seem legitimate, but have the ability to ruin the love between a couple. Ultimately, it focuses on the indispensability of the need for God in everything- from the beginning, the middle and the end of every sincere marriage, putting Him as the center, as God is known as LOVE, so to have a love-based relationship, is to have God put in it.
One of the strengths of the book is how it explains ‘marriage’ in the Biblical light, breaking it down for better understanding of the concept and idea of what marriage truly is. It compares the Western culture, and idea of marriage with the African’s culture and practice of marriage. This book disorientates the reader from thinking there’s a perfect marriage. It explains biblical views of intimacy within the covers of marriage, and marriage itself, as the author describes his efforts to help African couples resolve problems resulting from conflicts between tribal customs and Christianity.
Thinking about the weakness of the book, is to talk about the ending where I was expecting more to happen but it was cut short. It seemed to me like an incomplete story but then, all that was needed to be explained and taught had been included. I personally had wanted more due to its suspense filled and intriguing story line. However, I wouldn’t say it has failed to serve its purpose, but it ended somewhat briskly while I expected to see some extension from where it stopped.
The book successfully fits into the author’s body of work, as the author is a Missionary to Africa, teaching about relationships, marriages and the home. It covers the purpose for the author’s work and ministry. This book also compares to another of the author’s work titled “I Loved a Girl”, and it uses the dramatic stories of young African couples and singles to affirm the logic and values of the biblical view of sexuality and marriage.
Finally, the text captivates the minds of its targeted audience, cutting across countries, continents and homes in the story it shares and the purpose it tries to establish in the mind of singles, and married. It is a book that shares about hope, a second chance to succeed, restoration, forgiveness, love, and God. It expatiates on what should be priority in marriage, and handling distractions that seem legitimate, but have the ability to ruin the love between a couple. Ultimately, it focuses on the indispensability of the need for God in everything- from the beginning, the middle and the end of every sincere marriage, putting Him as the center, as God is known as LOVE, so to have a love-based relationship, is to have God put in it.
August 2, 2022
I have been told by two seminary professors that this book is the "best book there is" on how to think through and pastorally address the matter of 'cohabitation.'
It was helpful. The "triangle nature" of marriage (i.e., leaving, cleaving, one-flesh union) was very helpful. The narrative style of the book was fun. I enjoyed how the "teaching portion" on marriage was a lecture, and the narrative functioned as ways for people to 'question' 'prod' and otherwise 'test' the teaching.
Short read. Good read. It takes place in the 1960s/70s. Consequently there is are a lot of cultural 'relics'. His descriptions of airports will be foreign to anyone who has entered an airport after 2001.
It was helpful. The "triangle nature" of marriage (i.e., leaving, cleaving, one-flesh union) was very helpful. The narrative style of the book was fun. I enjoyed how the "teaching portion" on marriage was a lecture, and the narrative functioned as ways for people to 'question' 'prod' and otherwise 'test' the teaching.
Short read. Good read. It takes place in the 1960s/70s. Consequently there is are a lot of cultural 'relics'. His descriptions of airports will be foreign to anyone who has entered an airport after 2001.
January 17, 2021
Truth makes our hearts move to/for HIM
As mentioned in the book...it is valid for EVERY culture and race...as our Lord and Father allows us to call HIm " Abba..." And the lessons taught by every example in this book are so real and should touch every man to want to ensure that he does "Leave, Cleave, one flesh" and provide the tent his wife needs under HIS tent for each of us...and ensure that Christ is the tent builder and shows us DAILY how to check that the tent poles are all correct so as to have the correct tension on each pole.
Maranatha...
As mentioned in the book...it is valid for EVERY culture and race...as our Lord and Father allows us to call HIm " Abba..." And the lessons taught by every example in this book are so real and should touch every man to want to ensure that he does "Leave, Cleave, one flesh" and provide the tent his wife needs under HIS tent for each of us...and ensure that Christ is the tent builder and shows us DAILY how to check that the tent poles are all correct so as to have the correct tension on each pole.
Maranatha...
August 3, 2022
This book was a good read. It is simple to understand and to relate to. The story is written like a long sermon to the reader that is built through interaction with the characters. It's Christian teaching concerning marriage in a storytelling format. The thing I liked the most was the openness about the shortcomings of even the narrator's marriage. So that no one character is exhaled and everyone is learning...
February 7, 2021
A practical and helpful understanding of marriage. Beautifully concludes with a reminder of the gospel, which is central to marriage. My only critique would be that the gospel and our relationship to God come in earlier in the book as it would be more helpful in understanding some of the practical guidance that he gives :)
February 1, 2022
Ever thinking of getting married, this is a must read. It’s also to be used by Christian marriage counselors.
You understand better what it means to leave, cleave and be one with your intended spouse.
You understand better what it means to leave, cleave and be one with your intended spouse.
November 21, 2024
really, really good read about marriage and the pursuit of it is. it's real, almost like a ministry diary of walter trobisch himself. i really appreciate him for this ministry , writing this book for all of us. to God be the glory
July 14, 2018
My favourite book about marriage... written about events that actually happened. Has a strong cross cultural component. Excellent! A must read for anyone who is serious about marriage!
Ralph
Ralph
April 11, 2020
Truly Blessed
I loveeeeee it. I will read it all over again.and will recommend it to anyone. I am ready to marry
I loveeeeee it. I will read it all over again.and will recommend it to anyone. I am ready to marry
May 25, 2020
Although this book was written in 1971, you wouldn’t notice - it’s surprising how relevant it actually is for marriages of today. Marriage makes us believe.
Read
February 2, 2021A wonderful testimony to God's gift of the mystery of marriage.
June 14, 2021
Helpful book that gives relevant advice with real-life examples and a storytelling design to create interest.
Want to read
August 8, 2021Highly recommend.
Read
April 15, 2022Good
September 9, 2022
Recommended to those who are about to get married or married
Displaying 1 - 30 of 55 reviews