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Finding Our Fathers
"Erudite...sensitive...There is a nice blend of family and work concerns in this book, which helps to make it one of the better contributions on male and female psychology thus far."
THE BOSTON HERALD
In this ground-breaking book, Harvard psychologist Samuel Osherson shows how a man's unreconciled childhood images of his father affects his relationships with his wife, children, friends, and boss--and how it can lead to a profound sense of loneliness, vulnerability, and rage. Osherson shows how every man can resolve the inner conflict of the father-son relationship and begin to develop a new sense of strength and purpose in his family life and career.
THE BOSTON HERALD
In this ground-breaking book, Harvard psychologist Samuel Osherson shows how a man's unreconciled childhood images of his father affects his relationships with his wife, children, friends, and boss--and how it can lead to a profound sense of loneliness, vulnerability, and rage. Osherson shows how every man can resolve the inner conflict of the father-son relationship and begin to develop a new sense of strength and purpose in his family life and career.
- GenresPsychology
115 pages, Paperback
First published August 12, 1987
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
July 21, 2025
Samuel Osherson asserts that most men have ‘unfinished business’ in terms of acknowledging and dealing with normal emotional vulnerabilities that derive from a sense of loss hidden within our separations from our fathers (whether they have been rejecting, incompetent, or absent, or not). To mature properly, we must separate from our mothers first, as poet Robert Bly has made the case in Iron John. But we must then separate from our fathers to establish our adult identities.
In his book, 'Finding Our Fathers, How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father', the author formulates a method for maturation:
“Until a man names his father, sees him clearly, and accepts him for who he is and was, it is that much more difficult for him to grow up himself and become a father to his children, husband to his wife, or a mentor to the younger generation… That is every man’s task of healing the wounded father within.”
The psychologist describes a Wounded father. The son may remember the father as wounded with his father’s sadness, incompetence, or anger dominating his image of the man. The son may remember the father as wounding, evoking the feelings he experienced in having been rejected, or in disappointing his father. Third, he may introject and internalize distorted and idealized images and memories of his father, as he struggles to form his own identity. He tells us:
“What does stand out in men’s talk of their fathers is a mysterious, remote quality. Whether describing heroes, villains, or someone in between, most men know little of their father’s inner lives, what they thought and felt as men. The first man in our lives was a puzzling, forbidding creature.” And, forebodingly for many of us Baby Boomers:
“Listening to men talk about coming of age in the 1960s it often seems to me is that our father’s degradation in our eyes became mixed in with the Vietnam struggle, confirming for many men an undercurrent of masculine evil.”
An important contribution of 'Finding Our Fathers, How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father' is the discussion of mentors and surrogate fathers:
• “The mentor is a more senior, usually older, person in the world of work who serves a transitional function for the young person, helping him to become established in the adult world of work yet also nurturing his own special values and beliefs.”
• “The mentee serves an essential function for the mentor; by nurturing the younger person, the mentor keeps alive his own values and hopes, which helps him deal with his mortality and allows him to develop generative parts of himself.”
• “Some men will not accept parenting from mentors. The rebellion and sense of betrayal between the generations that characterized the years of Vietnam and Watergate also seem to have left some older men distrusting all youth, feeling that the young only want to change… the social fabric without replacing it with anything better.”
• “The derivation of the word mentor is instructive… Mentor was Odysseus’ trusted counselor under whose disguise the goddess Athena became the guardian and teacher of Telemachus (Odysseus’ son) in his father’s absence (during the Trojan Wars).”
• “Odysseus was wrong. It’s not true, Telemachus, that your father comes to you only once and forever; you need to meet him again and again in different guises throughout your life. We relive with our mentors our ambivalence over our father’s message as to what it means to be a man.”
Another useful part of 'Finding Our Fathers, How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father' revolves around how men deal with problems of pregnancy, such as infertility, miscarriage, abortion, amniocentesis, and the birth of the child. The dynamics that Dr. Osherson describes reinforce the central notion that men are more than sperm donors, and it begins to prepare readers for a more inclusive and collaborative role of the father in parenting the child:
• “The medical clinics explained that their average male infertility patients did not return for a second appointment, often avoiding the simplest evaluative procedure. A urologist stated that the men he dealt with were usually so devastated that they could not talk about what the experience meant to them.”
• “For the husband, a terminated pregnancy is a loss, and so it makes the relationship with the wife even stormier.”
• Miscarriage as loss: “To a man, the fetus may represent a future hope, an unarticulated but nonetheless real version of himself as a father.”
• “There are many life events that trigger a sense of Mother Leaving, and that can tap into the special rage and sadness, the particular male vulnerability about separation. Miscarriages, abortions, and stillbirths are cogent examples.”
Discussing the emotional vulnerability of the father-to-be: the author asks, Do men run out of the delivery room because they fear the sight of blood, or the look on their wife’s face? He describes a father at the amniocentesis of his pregnant partner. The summary of men’s feelings during their wives’ pregnancies includes vulnerabilities such as helplessness, powerlessness, and disconnection.
'Finding Our Fathers, How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father', makes the case for fatherhood as both a healing and potentially wounding experience:
• “For many men, becoming a father creates an internal struggle with the needy and wounded father within, leading to a flight into work. For other men, fatherhood can mean the development of a more complete sense of self and healed relationship with one’s father, as it provides a new perspective on life.”
• “In order to develop a true identity as a father, a man must draw on his memories and feelings of his mother and father.”
• “We identify with our children and in giving to them heal the resentful sides of ourselves that never felt well enough taken care of.”
• “… both husband and wife… need to validate that both are needy, that both parents’ experiences are worthwhile, and that no one will have his or her needs met entirely.”
• “Kids stir up our wish to regress to their level, and if we grew up too soon, we can feel resentful and envious of children’s freedom, abandon, and carelessness.”
• “A man may fear or wish to become the image of his father.”
Samuel Osherson tells men that our healing requires us to 'de-idealize' our fathers – to see our fathers more clearly by discovering competent masculinity. It takes courage to let go of dreams and to accept one’s father for who he is or was:
“… healing the wounded father is a process of untangling the myths and fantasies sons learn growing up about self, mother and father, which we act out every day … it means constructing a satisfying sense of manhood… a sturdy appreciation of the heroism and failure in our fathers’ lives… every man needs to identify the good in his father, to feel how we are like them, as well as the ways we are different from them. From that, … comes a fuller, trustworthy sense of masculinity, a way of caring and nurturing, of being strong without being destructive…. It is a way of sheltering those we love without infantilizing them, of holding them and transmitting the sure knowledge that men as well as women are lifegiving forces on earth.”
For this son, father, and grandfather, studying Dr. Osherson’s book reinforced a process I began in college, continued through medical school and training, and years of individual psychotherapy, Divorce Recovery and parenting classes, and brought to fruition in the writing of my memoir, Different Drummer A Cardiologist’s Memoir of Imperfect Heroes and Care for the Heart. I needed to learn to see both of my parents’ strengths and flaws, and develop empathy for some of what each endured. My parents were my first, and most important, imperfect heroes. Over the years, I have found Samuel Osherson’s book 'Finding Our Fathers, How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father' helpful, and I recommend it to sons and daughters, fathers and mothers.
In his book, 'Finding Our Fathers, How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father', the author formulates a method for maturation:
“Until a man names his father, sees him clearly, and accepts him for who he is and was, it is that much more difficult for him to grow up himself and become a father to his children, husband to his wife, or a mentor to the younger generation… That is every man’s task of healing the wounded father within.”
The psychologist describes a Wounded father. The son may remember the father as wounded with his father’s sadness, incompetence, or anger dominating his image of the man. The son may remember the father as wounding, evoking the feelings he experienced in having been rejected, or in disappointing his father. Third, he may introject and internalize distorted and idealized images and memories of his father, as he struggles to form his own identity. He tells us:
“What does stand out in men’s talk of their fathers is a mysterious, remote quality. Whether describing heroes, villains, or someone in between, most men know little of their father’s inner lives, what they thought and felt as men. The first man in our lives was a puzzling, forbidding creature.” And, forebodingly for many of us Baby Boomers:
“Listening to men talk about coming of age in the 1960s it often seems to me is that our father’s degradation in our eyes became mixed in with the Vietnam struggle, confirming for many men an undercurrent of masculine evil.”
An important contribution of 'Finding Our Fathers, How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father' is the discussion of mentors and surrogate fathers:
• “The mentor is a more senior, usually older, person in the world of work who serves a transitional function for the young person, helping him to become established in the adult world of work yet also nurturing his own special values and beliefs.”
• “The mentee serves an essential function for the mentor; by nurturing the younger person, the mentor keeps alive his own values and hopes, which helps him deal with his mortality and allows him to develop generative parts of himself.”
• “Some men will not accept parenting from mentors. The rebellion and sense of betrayal between the generations that characterized the years of Vietnam and Watergate also seem to have left some older men distrusting all youth, feeling that the young only want to change… the social fabric without replacing it with anything better.”
• “The derivation of the word mentor is instructive… Mentor was Odysseus’ trusted counselor under whose disguise the goddess Athena became the guardian and teacher of Telemachus (Odysseus’ son) in his father’s absence (during the Trojan Wars).”
• “Odysseus was wrong. It’s not true, Telemachus, that your father comes to you only once and forever; you need to meet him again and again in different guises throughout your life. We relive with our mentors our ambivalence over our father’s message as to what it means to be a man.”
Another useful part of 'Finding Our Fathers, How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father' revolves around how men deal with problems of pregnancy, such as infertility, miscarriage, abortion, amniocentesis, and the birth of the child. The dynamics that Dr. Osherson describes reinforce the central notion that men are more than sperm donors, and it begins to prepare readers for a more inclusive and collaborative role of the father in parenting the child:
• “The medical clinics explained that their average male infertility patients did not return for a second appointment, often avoiding the simplest evaluative procedure. A urologist stated that the men he dealt with were usually so devastated that they could not talk about what the experience meant to them.”
• “For the husband, a terminated pregnancy is a loss, and so it makes the relationship with the wife even stormier.”
• Miscarriage as loss: “To a man, the fetus may represent a future hope, an unarticulated but nonetheless real version of himself as a father.”
• “There are many life events that trigger a sense of Mother Leaving, and that can tap into the special rage and sadness, the particular male vulnerability about separation. Miscarriages, abortions, and stillbirths are cogent examples.”
Discussing the emotional vulnerability of the father-to-be: the author asks, Do men run out of the delivery room because they fear the sight of blood, or the look on their wife’s face? He describes a father at the amniocentesis of his pregnant partner. The summary of men’s feelings during their wives’ pregnancies includes vulnerabilities such as helplessness, powerlessness, and disconnection.
'Finding Our Fathers, How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father', makes the case for fatherhood as both a healing and potentially wounding experience:
• “For many men, becoming a father creates an internal struggle with the needy and wounded father within, leading to a flight into work. For other men, fatherhood can mean the development of a more complete sense of self and healed relationship with one’s father, as it provides a new perspective on life.”
• “In order to develop a true identity as a father, a man must draw on his memories and feelings of his mother and father.”
• “We identify with our children and in giving to them heal the resentful sides of ourselves that never felt well enough taken care of.”
• “… both husband and wife… need to validate that both are needy, that both parents’ experiences are worthwhile, and that no one will have his or her needs met entirely.”
• “Kids stir up our wish to regress to their level, and if we grew up too soon, we can feel resentful and envious of children’s freedom, abandon, and carelessness.”
• “A man may fear or wish to become the image of his father.”
Samuel Osherson tells men that our healing requires us to 'de-idealize' our fathers – to see our fathers more clearly by discovering competent masculinity. It takes courage to let go of dreams and to accept one’s father for who he is or was:
“… healing the wounded father is a process of untangling the myths and fantasies sons learn growing up about self, mother and father, which we act out every day … it means constructing a satisfying sense of manhood… a sturdy appreciation of the heroism and failure in our fathers’ lives… every man needs to identify the good in his father, to feel how we are like them, as well as the ways we are different from them. From that, … comes a fuller, trustworthy sense of masculinity, a way of caring and nurturing, of being strong without being destructive…. It is a way of sheltering those we love without infantilizing them, of holding them and transmitting the sure knowledge that men as well as women are lifegiving forces on earth.”
For this son, father, and grandfather, studying Dr. Osherson’s book reinforced a process I began in college, continued through medical school and training, and years of individual psychotherapy, Divorce Recovery and parenting classes, and brought to fruition in the writing of my memoir, Different Drummer A Cardiologist’s Memoir of Imperfect Heroes and Care for the Heart. I needed to learn to see both of my parents’ strengths and flaws, and develop empathy for some of what each endured. My parents were my first, and most important, imperfect heroes. Over the years, I have found Samuel Osherson’s book 'Finding Our Fathers, How a Man’s Life is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father' helpful, and I recommend it to sons and daughters, fathers and mothers.
July 10, 2019
"At bottom, healing the wounded father is a process of untangling the myths and fantasies sons learn growing up about self, mother and father, which we act out every day with bosses, wives, and children. It means constructing a satisfying sense of manhood both from out opportunities in a time of changing sex roles and by "diving into the wreck" of the past and retrieving a firm, sturdy appreciation of the heroism and failure in our fathers' lives.
February 9, 2019
Excepcional, de forma simple y amena me acerco a ver y entender los problemas que estaban dando vuelta en la cabeza y pensar como destrabarme con mi padre y seguir creciendo.
September 26, 2023
This book cleared some things for me.
April 29, 2025
The relationship a man had/has with his father influences his entire life — who he is at work, with his spouse, with his children — both his physical and mental health. I know this, and it’s a concept I’ve been struggling with for years. I had hoped this book would teach me more about this topic, but it really didn’t. I’m reassured after reading it that the issues I’m working through are common, but the book unfortunately didn’t really offer any concrete guidance on how to deal with them.
July 22, 2014
Interesting but limited mainly to heterosexual men as there is a lot of space devoted to men's relationships with their wives and children.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews