What do you think?
Rate this book
Friends and Lovers: Cultivating Companionship and Intimacy in Marriage
Neither a comprehensive marriage manual, nor a complete exploration of the theological significance of marriage, Friends and Lovers focuses on two key ingredients in a vital marriage: friendship and sexual intimacy. Drawing from the wisdom of the Bible, especially the Book of Proverbs, Joel Beeke shows you how to grow closer to your spouse both emotionally and physically.
108 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2012
61 people are currently reading
382 people want to read
About the author
Joel R. Beeke
446 books348 followersDr. Joel R. Beeke serves as President and Professor of Systematic Theology, Church History, and Homiletics at Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary. He has been in the ministry since 1978 and has served as a pastor of his current church, Heritage Reformed Congregation, since 1986. He is also editor of the Banner of Sovereign Grace Truth, editorial director of Reformation Heritage Books, president of Inheritance Publishers, and vice-president of the Dutch Reformed Translation Society. He has written, co-authored, or edited fifty books and contributed over fifteen hundred articles to Reformed books, journals, periodicals, and encyclopedias. His Ph.D. (1988) from Westminster Theological Seminary is in Reformation and Post-Reformation Theology. He is frequently called upon to lecture at Reformed seminaries and to speak at conferences around the world. He and his wife, Mary, have three children: Calvin, Esther, and Lydia.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 60 reviews
November 15, 2012
I own a wood burning stove. When winter sets her teeth against us we light up our stove and it drives back the cold. I have found that I need three kinds of wood to keep the fire hot. First, you need big logs that will burn long and hot. Second, you need kindling, small twigs, to get the fire going. But third, you need medium size pieces to help the big logs stay lit. If you end up with just a big log it will often go out.
Pastor Beeke’s book is a medium size log. He does not go into deep theological discussions about marriage. He does unpack every possible inference from I Corinthians 7 or Leviticus 18. But this is also not a series of blog posts that function like kindling. The book is only 93 pages long, but it is packed with practical insights into how to make your wife your best friend and how to love her in the bedroom. You will not find all your practical or theological questions answered. But reading and learning from this little book will keep the marriage fires burning.
I appreciated Pastor Beeke’s dignity in discussing matters which are often dealt with in a crass manner. Too often young men, like me, who have been exposed to so much sexual sin, are not sure how to talk about the marriage bed in a dignified way. He made his points without an in depth discussion of every deviant sexual practice.
He did a great job of emphasizing that marriage is for pleasure. Those who are jaded by our over sexed culture often do not want to discuss sex in marriage as a delight. But he looks at Proverbs 5:18-19 to show that God intended for the marriage bed to be a place of feasting and joy.
He was also very pastoral in tone. He navigates some tricky waters when discussing things like birth control and the authority of one’s spouse over their body. I felt he did this with tact.
And he kept coming back to the grace of God to sinners as the key. Almost everyone in our generation has been sinned against sexually and/or has sinned sexually. We have images of real women or on screen women in our minds. Without God’s grace what hope is there for us in the marriage bed? But Pastor Beeke brings us back again and again to the cross as the place to find forgiveness, but also the place where we can start obeying Christ, even in our bedrooms.
For such a short book it is excellent.
Pastor Beeke’s book is a medium size log. He does not go into deep theological discussions about marriage. He does unpack every possible inference from I Corinthians 7 or Leviticus 18. But this is also not a series of blog posts that function like kindling. The book is only 93 pages long, but it is packed with practical insights into how to make your wife your best friend and how to love her in the bedroom. You will not find all your practical or theological questions answered. But reading and learning from this little book will keep the marriage fires burning.
I appreciated Pastor Beeke’s dignity in discussing matters which are often dealt with in a crass manner. Too often young men, like me, who have been exposed to so much sexual sin, are not sure how to talk about the marriage bed in a dignified way. He made his points without an in depth discussion of every deviant sexual practice.
He did a great job of emphasizing that marriage is for pleasure. Those who are jaded by our over sexed culture often do not want to discuss sex in marriage as a delight. But he looks at Proverbs 5:18-19 to show that God intended for the marriage bed to be a place of feasting and joy.
He was also very pastoral in tone. He navigates some tricky waters when discussing things like birth control and the authority of one’s spouse over their body. I felt he did this with tact.
And he kept coming back to the grace of God to sinners as the key. Almost everyone in our generation has been sinned against sexually and/or has sinned sexually. We have images of real women or on screen women in our minds. Without God’s grace what hope is there for us in the marriage bed? But Pastor Beeke brings us back again and again to the cross as the place to find forgiveness, but also the place where we can start obeying Christ, even in our bedrooms.
For such a short book it is excellent.
June 14, 2022
If I could give this book 10 stars, I would. This is the best book on marriage I’ve read so far. So Christ-exalting, so Scriptural.
March 5, 2019
Very short, well written book on what the relationship should be between a couple and how to create and maintain a healthy, God-honoring marriage through the conflicts that can arise between two sinners who are seeking to honorably love one another.
December 29, 2018
Solid little book.
November 28, 2015
Como é seu estilo, Joel Beeke juntou verdades preciosas da Escritura com muitas aplicações e conselhos práticos relevantes (em grande parte extraídos dos Puritanos) sobre a custosa, mas imprescindível amizade que deve haver no casamento e a consequente vida de intimidade sexual do casal. Muito bom!
May 21, 2024
Muito bom!
Não é exaustivo e nem esgota o assunto, mas essa não é a sua proposta. O objetivo é ser simples e mostrar verdades bíblicas a respeito da amizade e do sexo no casamento.
Um livreto que todo casal deveria ler e reler durante todo o casamento.
Não é exaustivo e nem esgota o assunto, mas essa não é a sua proposta. O objetivo é ser simples e mostrar verdades bíblicas a respeito da amizade e do sexo no casamento.
Um livreto que todo casal deveria ler e reler durante todo o casamento.
June 27, 2021
A helpful book for married couples albeit quite short. Beeke's writing style is succinct and clearly written while still offering sound wisdom. This is a book that I wouldn't recommend for a pre-marital counseling book or for a person outside of marriage necessarily. I would say that this book is helpful for married couples who are seeking to grow in their marriage or for couples that are struggling in either of these two areas. For instance, if a man or woman were to dislike hanging out with their spouse or sexual intimacy is a tough subject in the household then this book is helpful for counseling in those situations. I give the book a good recommendation for its brevity, its utilization of the Scripture, its practical wisdom, and its all around helpfulness in the areas of friendship and sexual intimacy in the marriage bond.
My main quibbles with the book are just a few. One is that Beeke writes using a fair amount of cliches that simply do not help his writing; the book would read better without them. I think Beeke is an excellent writer, but one doesn't need those statements that are better left out. Another is that the friendship portion of the book is a bit too brief and short; that section should be longer. Granted, there's only so much one can say in this brief a space, but that topic is spoken of more thoroughly in other marital counseling books. For the size of it, it's an excellent book for married couples, for pastors needing counseling material for couples seeking counsel, or those who are experiencing difficulties in either of these two areas. It's an excellent little book that is quite helpful for its size!
My main quibbles with the book are just a few. One is that Beeke writes using a fair amount of cliches that simply do not help his writing; the book would read better without them. I think Beeke is an excellent writer, but one doesn't need those statements that are better left out. Another is that the friendship portion of the book is a bit too brief and short; that section should be longer. Granted, there's only so much one can say in this brief a space, but that topic is spoken of more thoroughly in other marital counseling books. For the size of it, it's an excellent book for married couples, for pastors needing counseling material for couples seeking counsel, or those who are experiencing difficulties in either of these two areas. It's an excellent little book that is quite helpful for its size!
February 3, 2022
We have come to expect writings that are both practical and accessible from Dr. Beeke. This book does not disappoint that expectation. I would say this is a book for married couples who either want to know how to maintain the intimacy they currently have or how to reignite the fire they lost. It is not a comprehensive look at marriage but a focused look at two aspects of marriage: friendship and sexual intimacy. The strength of this book is its biblical wisdom in showing the necessity of godliness and Christlike love in these two areas. This is one book I will recommend as often as I can in pastoral counseling.
June 27, 2021
A quick and easy book, if not the strongest prose. It has short chapters in the two categories of friendship and sex for married couples. It is not complete enough to be sufficient for pre-marital counseling and is perhaps too specific on the sexual content before marriage. However, as encouragement for married couples it is both accessible and useful. It has many wonderful old quotes, and is thoroughly based in Scripture. My husband and I read it aloud together in a few short sessions.
December 6, 2023
Short, to the point, and comparable to dipping your toes into the theology of friendship and intimacy in marriage. But dipping your toes often invites wading, and then a deep dive. The questions Beeke asks as he points to glorifying God and enjoying His good gifts are especially helpful.
September 6, 2024
A very important read for married couples. I appreciated Beeke for his clarify and pastoral approach.
December 26, 2024
Short easy read with very practical thought-provoking concepts on marriage.
October 5, 2025
Husband read it. I listened. It counts.
November 2, 2025
Informative and accurate helpful biblical instruction applied in this book, I wouldn’t say new information; but that depends on what materials on marriage the reader has acquired.
October 21, 2017
A solid little book on the oft neglected aspect of marriage: friendship with ones spouse, and on the oft distorted aspect of marriage: sexual intimacy with one’s spouse.
July 13, 2012
Joel Beeke is quickly becoming one of my favorite pastors to read because the books I’ve read are saturated in the gospel, full of quotations from the Puritans, and his tone is pastoral. But most importantly he handles the word of God with the skill of a physician. Listen to the tone from the outset,
May the Spirit of God blow upon your marriage through the Word of Christ so that smoldering coals of love may burst once more into flame, and may the fire of love be refueled to produce marriages that blaze with love to the glory of God! (Kindle Locations 207-209).
I wish all of the books I’ve read approached discipleship and Christian growth with that love and focus.
Recently another book was released that approached marriage from the perspective of friendship and sex but with far less tact in my opinion. Beeke tackles friendship first rooting it in the gospel. The entire first section can be summed up when he says, ‘true marital friendship is the personal bond of shared life in Christ’ (287-288). In developing friendship, he stresses time and time again the importance of finding someone who loves Christ and is committed to growing in Christ with you (see 337 & 428). He also has the most balanced conversation about submission in the home I have found. He recommends for husbands and wives that when the other spouse has stronger feelings about non-spiritual things we should frequently “yield” (513).
Finally, he ends Friends and Lovers with a candid and careful discussion about sex. I recently wrote about how the Scripture is not afraid to talk about sex but it’s also not lurid. Beeke demonstrates this balance well. He starts by putting the ax to the root
In some ways this [negative view of sex] dysfunction is much like what someone might say about a piece of double chocolate cake: “It tastes so good, it must be sinful.” Do you sense how perverse the statement is—that good things are sinful? (703-705).
and then reminds that sex is not marriage itself but “the fruit of a good marriage” (767). He also reminds us that “women [are not required to] do whatever her husband wants” nor “should [we] engage in every form of sexual practice” (910). He emphasizes service in the bedroom. He ends with one of the most helpful paragraphs on marriage I’ve read.
your marriage, as all of life, with a God-centered perspective shaped by the five great solas (or “alones”) of the Reformation: Scripture alone, grace alone, faith alone, Christ alone, and the glory of God alone. Reject any ambition to use marriage as a means to glorify a mere human, and live for the glory of God alone. Do not rely on your own understanding but follow Scripture alone as the rule of life. Do not be self-righteous or trust in the merit of your own works, but humbly receive and rest in God’s gift of justification by faith alone. After committing to change and grow, do not depend on your own strength, but labor with prayer for sanctification by grace alone. And seek all blessings by looking to Christ alone. He is the mediator of all grace and the friend of sinners. (1326-1334).
May the Spirit of God blow upon your marriage through the Word of Christ so that smoldering coals of love may burst once more into flame, and may the fire of love be refueled to produce marriages that blaze with love to the glory of God! (Kindle Locations 207-209).
I wish all of the books I’ve read approached discipleship and Christian growth with that love and focus.
Recently another book was released that approached marriage from the perspective of friendship and sex but with far less tact in my opinion. Beeke tackles friendship first rooting it in the gospel. The entire first section can be summed up when he says, ‘true marital friendship is the personal bond of shared life in Christ’ (287-288). In developing friendship, he stresses time and time again the importance of finding someone who loves Christ and is committed to growing in Christ with you (see 337 & 428). He also has the most balanced conversation about submission in the home I have found. He recommends for husbands and wives that when the other spouse has stronger feelings about non-spiritual things we should frequently “yield” (513).
Finally, he ends Friends and Lovers with a candid and careful discussion about sex. I recently wrote about how the Scripture is not afraid to talk about sex but it’s also not lurid. Beeke demonstrates this balance well. He starts by putting the ax to the root
In some ways this [negative view of sex] dysfunction is much like what someone might say about a piece of double chocolate cake: “It tastes so good, it must be sinful.” Do you sense how perverse the statement is—that good things are sinful? (703-705).
and then reminds that sex is not marriage itself but “the fruit of a good marriage” (767). He also reminds us that “women [are not required to] do whatever her husband wants” nor “should [we] engage in every form of sexual practice” (910). He emphasizes service in the bedroom. He ends with one of the most helpful paragraphs on marriage I’ve read.
your marriage, as all of life, with a God-centered perspective shaped by the five great solas (or “alones”) of the Reformation: Scripture alone, grace alone, faith alone, Christ alone, and the glory of God alone. Reject any ambition to use marriage as a means to glorify a mere human, and live for the glory of God alone. Do not rely on your own understanding but follow Scripture alone as the rule of life. Do not be self-righteous or trust in the merit of your own works, but humbly receive and rest in God’s gift of justification by faith alone. After committing to change and grow, do not depend on your own strength, but labor with prayer for sanctification by grace alone. And seek all blessings by looking to Christ alone. He is the mediator of all grace and the friend of sinners. (1326-1334).
May 15, 2012
This a good short book (less than 100 pages) and it grew out of two addresses that Joel R. Beeke gave in a family conference.
The book is divided in two parts, the first one deals with friendship in marriage and the second with sex. The first part was my favorite because very few times I have read in a book of marriage about the importance of cultivating a true friendship through life between husband and wife. The second half was also very good but, on my opinion, too superficial.
I enjoyed this book as much as I enjoy a good date with my husband to our favorite coffee shop. It is always refreshing to read about marriage, you always find a place here or there in your marriage that needs special care.
Aaron Armstrong has written a more complete review of this book here:
http://bit.ly/z7WGsp
The book is divided in two parts, the first one deals with friendship in marriage and the second with sex. The first part was my favorite because very few times I have read in a book of marriage about the importance of cultivating a true friendship through life between husband and wife. The second half was also very good but, on my opinion, too superficial.
I enjoyed this book as much as I enjoy a good date with my husband to our favorite coffee shop. It is always refreshing to read about marriage, you always find a place here or there in your marriage that needs special care.
Aaron Armstrong has written a more complete review of this book here:
http://bit.ly/z7WGsp
December 18, 2015
These 108 pages are well worth the few hours it will take you to read this book. This was the first book I've read from Beeke, and I subsequently added several more of his books to my list. I have not read lots of marriage books, but of the ones I have read Beeke's is unique in addressing in-law relationships. Beeke's chapter on sex in marriage is also helpful in addressing the question of "Can We _ _ _ _ _ _ _?" Beeke writes with you unique pastoral wisdom and care, and any Christian husband or wife would be helped by reading this book.
February 5, 2016
Very easy read that reminds and stirs of the richness of marriage in Christ's light and in His gospel! Also made me so thankful for the awesome, grace-filled wife God has given me. :)
September 29, 2021
Concise, readable, and sound. Makes me want to read more from Beeke sooner than later.
October 19, 2022
There are a lot of "Christian" books on marital intimacy that do more damage than good because they are primarily focused on unbiblical expectations and individual happiness, rather than loving each other in an understanding and serving way as Christ also does for us.
This book isn't intended as an exhaustive resource on the topic but provides a basic springboard of what God provides for a husband and wife as friends and lovers. This is not a legalistic book full of what Christians should or shouldn't do, but rather a book that emphasizes the love and grace of God as the motivation behind seeking to live a life of holiness within marriage.
I found Beeke's approach especially helpful because it addressed the roots of the issues. Rather than throwing a bunch of date night ideas or his needs/her needs profiles at the reader, it went deeper into addressing idolatry, forgiveness, shame, and temptation which both can relate to. These are the real things which hinder the friendship and intimacy of a couple.
The book is divided into two sections:
🌹Part One: Friends (the foundation, cultivation, and temptations)
🌹Part Two: Lovers (cherish, multiply, obey, liberate through forgiveness, rely on Christ, self-denial, restoration after shame, repentance of sexual idolatry, gratitude)
This book isn't intended as an exhaustive resource on the topic but provides a basic springboard of what God provides for a husband and wife as friends and lovers. This is not a legalistic book full of what Christians should or shouldn't do, but rather a book that emphasizes the love and grace of God as the motivation behind seeking to live a life of holiness within marriage.
I found Beeke's approach especially helpful because it addressed the roots of the issues. Rather than throwing a bunch of date night ideas or his needs/her needs profiles at the reader, it went deeper into addressing idolatry, forgiveness, shame, and temptation which both can relate to. These are the real things which hinder the friendship and intimacy of a couple.
The book is divided into two sections:
🌹Part One: Friends (the foundation, cultivation, and temptations)
🌹Part Two: Lovers (cherish, multiply, obey, liberate through forgiveness, rely on Christ, self-denial, restoration after shame, repentance of sexual idolatry, gratitude)
December 6, 2021
Helpful little book considering how to strengthen the marriage relationship.
It doesn't explore everything particularly deeply, but it does introduce several helpful points. I really appreciated the chapters on friendship within marriage (though for historical reasons, I don't love the 'my wife is my best friend' norm which Beeke confirms in passing). The chapters on sexual intimacy provide a good general overview of the goodness of sex within marriage, and several briefly touch on areas of sin or poor thinking that often harm intimacy within marriage. Those brief chapters aren't going to give you a lot if they do describe your own thinking, but they'll start you on a good road.
Probably wouldn't recommend to engaged/pre-marriage couples. Definitely recommend as worth reading and discussing with your spouse for any married Christian.
It doesn't explore everything particularly deeply, but it does introduce several helpful points. I really appreciated the chapters on friendship within marriage (though for historical reasons, I don't love the 'my wife is my best friend' norm which Beeke confirms in passing). The chapters on sexual intimacy provide a good general overview of the goodness of sex within marriage, and several briefly touch on areas of sin or poor thinking that often harm intimacy within marriage. Those brief chapters aren't going to give you a lot if they do describe your own thinking, but they'll start you on a good road.
Probably wouldn't recommend to engaged/pre-marriage couples. Definitely recommend as worth reading and discussing with your spouse for any married Christian.
March 31, 2022
Read this book with my wife and it was great. It’s short, but it’s abundantly filled with scripture and wisdom that can transform your marriage!
Friendship is something we can take lightly in marriage and for granted, before we met our spouse we spent intentional time, so why do we stop when we get married? Spending 2 minutes in the kitchen by the microwave speaking to your spouse is not going to grow your friendship and intimacy, you must devote good time, a time to speak, laugh, play and have deep spiritual heart to heart conversations.
I’d recommend this book to every Christian! Do you want to grow in your friendship and intimacy, then get reading!
Friendship is something we can take lightly in marriage and for granted, before we met our spouse we spent intentional time, so why do we stop when we get married? Spending 2 minutes in the kitchen by the microwave speaking to your spouse is not going to grow your friendship and intimacy, you must devote good time, a time to speak, laugh, play and have deep spiritual heart to heart conversations.
I’d recommend this book to every Christian! Do you want to grow in your friendship and intimacy, then get reading!
June 4, 2019
This book is full of practical advice and wisdom that is grounded Biblical truth. The authors aim is to provide a succinct charge to pursue wholeness in marriage and he has done an admirable job of it. Chapters 11 and 12 alone are worth the price of the book as Beeke cuts through much of the minutiae and points to the idols undergirding our sexual sins. This books strength is that it is both practical and short. Definitely worth the read for a bite-sized intro into the conversation of marital growth.
February 28, 2020
Read while on our trip to Mexico in Dec 2017 and discussed with Kristen. This was very helpful for us to identify things that each of us could do better, and to see warning signs in the relationships of others where we could also go if we are not careful. [return][return]Coming out of the trip we made a list of things that we need to make sure we continually revisit. [return][return]This is my favorite book I've read on marriage.
March 15, 2020
The idea of this book is good - a discussion of two critical components of marriage: friendship and physical intimacy. Unfortunately, the brevity of this work leads to the author making some conclusions, which are matters of wisdom, not morality, in a truncated fashion. I wish some of these controversial elements were more fleshed out, but, all in all, not a bad brief work on marriage.
October 23, 2022
Genuinely so surprised at how helpful this book was. Admittedly, there were some chapters I didn’t agree with (and some of his views I don’t agree with), but overall, a good and helpful short read on things to cultivate in marriage.
February 20, 2024
This book is quite short, so Andrea and I read it out loud. Of course there is a lot that it doesn't talk about, or talks about only at a high level, but we thought most of what was covered was quite good and helpful.
April 16, 2019
A nice primer on Christian marriage. Particularly of value is it's call for spouses to never forget their friendship under Lordship
May 13, 2019
Another job well done by Dr. Beeke! Convicting and helpful.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 60 reviews