TORN ASUNDER WORKBOOK by CARDER DAVE

by Dave Carder

There is hope for recovery from the devastation of extramarital affairs. In Torn Asunder, Dave Carder provides an overall recovery process from sexual and non-sexual affairs.

Genres: Marriage, Counselling, Nonfiction, Christian, Divorce, Sexuality, Self Help

Paperback

First published April 1, 1992

About the author

Dave Carder serves as pastor of counseling ministries at First Evangelical Free Church in Fullerton, California. His specialty is adultery recovery and prevention, for which he has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Network, Discovery Health, and The Learning Channel; done training for the US Army and Navy; and made multiple tapings for The Tony Robbins Passion Project, Marriage Uncensored, 100 Huntley Street, Salvation Army Leadership Training, and the American Association of Christian Counselors. His interviews and articles have appeared in Ladies’ Home Journal, USA Today, The Counseling Connection, and various other magazines and journals. He is the author or coauthor of Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair, Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage, and Unlocking Your Family Patterns: Finding Freedom from a Hurtful Past.
He holds the Michigan Limited License for Psychology and The California Marital and Family Therapy license and has graduate degrees in biblical literature and counseling psychology. Dave and his wife, Ronnie, have been married 49 years and have 4 children and 8 grandchildren.

Reviews

[Marcy Stearns · Rating 4 out of 5]

After reading many other reviews, I want to encourage people to pick it up and read it. Some reviewers felt attacked by the book -- like the "infidel" was not at fault but the spouse was. The truth is the marriage was not meeting the needs (realistic or not) of the "infidel", using the author's word. So do you want to argue about who is right? Or do you want to find a way to meet the needs of both parties -- both spouses.
The book makes it clear -- recovery from infidelity is hard work. This is not for the faint of heart. If you want to be together, it will take hard work for both parties to rebuild trust.
As a single person, I found a lot of help in the checklist for affair predictors. It helped me to see some ways to work on myself and grow as a person, a friend. Contrary to popular opinion, I am not PERFECT! I have set about to grow as a person and I have a handle on some of the ways that I can improve that will have the best effect on my future.

[Amber · Rating 4 out of 5]

I notice that no one wants to write a review on a book of this subject.

It was a very good book as far as the subject matter is concerned. I like it because it is a Godly viewpoint. I read a couple affair healing non-Christian book and they made me want to puke. Affairs plague so many families and no one talks about it. I understand the desire to be private, but people are yelling loudly for help in this area. If anyone needs an ear to listen that is reading this review, feel free to write me.

I recommend this book as the best book to talk about affair healing, AFTER it has already occurred. There are other books that I would recommend to prevent affairs from happening in a marriage. But if you are "too late" then get this book and read it fast.

[Lacy Lovelace · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book! Each chapter was thorough but user friendly. I learned a lot about how certain environments in marriage (ex: distance) can cause someone to be drawn into an affair. I was surprised at how connected infidelity is in families! The book is specifically tailored to “full-blown” affairs where someone has engaged in a physical relationship outside of the marriage. It has a Christian backing. Special circumstances such as emotional affairs, secret affairs, and when one or both spouses want to leave the marriage are covered in section 3. The activities were interesting! I wanna do the relationship timeline with my husband. I also liked that in the appendix, they focused on the children because I was wondering if that would be addressed. Love languages are also addressed within this book! A great resource for anyone married!

[Kerstin · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read the majority of this book which was given to me by a friend who was faced with infidelity in her marriage. I was deeply troubled by the “wisdom” that ignored the spiritual guidance offered in scripture. The “worst scenario” pro and con list (context being ‘do I tell the truth about my affair’) was juvenile and the constant reference of “fault with the non-offending spouse” was horrifying. I am sure the author meant well, he’s probably a nice guy, but to read that this is the “go to book” when your marriage unravels left me confused and angry. If this is the “help” found within mainstream evangelical churches, it’s no wonder why so many marriages do not survive infidelity. This book is not helpful to either partner, the offender and the offended.

[Bret Legg · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for any spouse facing the reality of an extra-marital affair...whether they are the offender or the offended. It’s also a great resource for counselors helping spouses through an affair. This book offers practical, boots-on-the-ground help and is well worth the read.

[Carolyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Provided helpful insight as I reviewed categories, the message of, and recovery process

[Amy Loy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read

Great read... very helpful and informative.. would highly recommend it to anyone going through this type of situation. Thank you

[Sheila Gregoire · Rating 3 out of 5]

I agreed with Dave Carder's reasoning--that the message of an affair is important to understand, and that when you both decide to work through that message, the marriage can be saved.

He also was very clear that the affair is the infidel's responsibility.

However, he didn't make that clear until nearly halfway into the book, and honestly, if I were a woman who had just found out my husband had cheated on me, this book would have made me feel horrible.

It opens with a rather bizarre several-page-long letter from "the other woman"--except that she's not "the other woman". She's an infidel herself, and to call her "the other woman" isn't very sympathetic to this guy's husband.

Anyway, in the letter she justifies her affair and is upset at her friends for confronting her on it. I don't know why he felt it necessary to start with this letter.

Early in the book, too, he shows how personality and background can contribute to affairs, again cementing the idea that the person who is cheated on is somehow responsible.

I don't think that's what Carder believes, but if you were to just read the first few chapters, that's what you'd come away with. There are other great Christian books on rebuilding a marriage after an affair, and I'd recommend those first.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good but didn't finish

[Kimberly Winters · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wrote a review for this book on my blog that I hope you find helpful! www.garlandhouse.blogspot.com

[Judy · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a heavy book. I've experienced both sides of this coin and at times reading this book the grief was weighing me down so bad I had to lay the book down. I am currently going through this struggle right now. Life is in chaos and trying to make sense of anything is hard to do. It's hard when one mate is for reconciliation and the other doesn't know what they want. The constant unknown wears the entire family down. I appreciate the authors authenticity to tell both sides like it is and get through the messiness. Only with God's strength and grace will peace come and resolutions happen.