When Boundaries betray Us

by Carter Heyward

Drawing on her own traumatic experiences in therapy, a feminist priest and ethicist presents a controversial new vision of intimacy in healing.

Genres: Psychology, Education, Nonfiction

Hardcover

First published January 1, 1993

Reviews

[Meep · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really hate this book. It seems so self-congratulatory, so lacking in insight.

I’m not denying that the therapist might have done things differently (and that we only have one side), but heyward talks of being abused by her therapist (and then tells us she doesn’t want us to take sides) and yet, what we see clearly on the page in her own words is some terrible behaviour on her part towards her therapist.

For me, there’s nothing particularly redeeming about this book. I do think it misses a significant thread about what it was to be *lesbians* together, although sexuality isn’t hidden from.

[Gv · Rating 4 out of 5]

That's a tricky book to review. I did find it very interesting and intellectually stimulating, as well as just... historically intriguing? Somewhat inspiring?
Very long review as spoiler.

Why is it challenging: the reader is placed in the difficult position of only having one side of the story, and not knowing how reliable the narrator/author is. She claims to have "sensed" many things about her therapist (including their intense connection and the fact that the therapist would have wanted to be friends), but, as an external observer, I have no idea whether that was accurate or not. Therefore, I am not sure whether whether I "buy into" some of the core assumptions present in the book. As someone used to therapy and boundaries, it is also hard to not be slightly annoyed at her complete disregard for them and the demands she places on the therapist, claiming to know what is a "right" relationship better than the therapist, with very little empathy for the clear discomfort of "Elizabeth" (or discounting it entirely because it is just "patriarchy", and therefore not "good"). Her lack of respect for the stated boundaries of the therapist (sending many letters after Elizabeth explicitly requests that she does not) does not really fill me with confidence. However, I cannot discount her account either. Relational wounding does happen in therapy, especially when the therapist is scared, and after reading her book, beyond the question of who was right or wrong, one can see how this specific relationship was wounding to her in a way that makes sense (and resonates with my own experiences) and it is interesting to explore what dynamics are at hand in this type of "harmful" therapy or in Western therapy in general, how the concept of transference can be weaponized, and how the need for authenticity can be pathologized. I did not feel she was presenting Elizabeth as a bad therapist, just a therapist who made mistakes in that specific situation. I did not care one way or the other about the spiritual content of the book, as I am not a believer myself.

Intellectually stimulating: I have been interested in the Stone Center writings for a long time, and in critics of "classic" psychotherapy (especially psychoanalysis), and this book explores some of the issues (how can therapy be relational? what does that mean?) from a pov that is not often seen (the patient). It also connects them to patriarchy and feminism, and power dynamics in a way which is not entirely new, but is still interesting. Are traditional boundaries a tool/manifestation of the patriarchal celebration of hierarchy and individualism? ... it is an interesting thought. Can the therapeutic relationship be "authentic" (and what does that mean?) There is also an unexpected detour with false memories, and exploring an unusual explanation for them and the role therapy can have in creating them.

Historically interesting: this book feels like it belongs so intensely to a specific moment in history, in the shape that feminism, politics, christianity, lgbt communities, the mental health field took at that time. I do find it fascinating, to see how it was (and how it connects to where we are now). Even seeing how the vocabulary used to describe the related concepts has evolved is fascinating.

Inspiring: As I was reading, I was struck by how connected the author was to many other authors, thinkers, friends, and how fertile and supportive this seemed to be, reminding me of how important community is. Also I was quite impressed by something many other reviewers seem to have found irritating: her self-confidence, her belief in the value of her voice (when she is writing the book, or sharing her thoughts with her therapist). She does not assume that she is wrong for disagreeing with a Professional. It may be arrogant, but it is also very refreshing, and the gut reaction that lots of people (including me) have, to immediately distrust her account, proves that... her voice (or similar voices) may still be needed.

My opinion about the facts: In the end, my belief is that therapy may not have been what Carter Heyward needed, because of the limits and traditions that do exist in it, that she was looking for something (a "friendship" or mutual relationship) in a place where this is just not an option. She seems to be a "revolutionary", who does not accept that "this is just not how things are" (as the fact that she was ordained irregularly as a woman, lesbian, priest, might point to), with the deep-seated conviction that if her belief is "right", then the "wrong" structure must change for the better. I am not sure whether that's beautiful (hope creating change) or naive and slightly arrogant ("right" is a very subjective thing).



My general opinion: the fact that I am not sure whether to "side" with the author actually does not really impact my opinion of the book. It was an interesting, stimulating book. It gave me a lot to think about. I wish I had someone with whom I could discuss it! It was also a very ... human book, and it put words of some of my feelings I had not been able to identify.