The Trouble With Perfect: How Parents Can Avoid the Over-Achievement Trap and Still Raise Successful Children by Guthrie, Elisabeth, Matthews, Kathy(January 22, 2002) Hardcover

by Elisabeth Guthrie

As competitive parenting has been on the rise since the 1980s, so have rates of teen suicide, eating disorders, depression, and drug use. Yet the cycle of "push parenting" doesn’t show signs of slowing down. Our children today are competing with classmates who began listening to Mozart in utero and were enrolled in educational classes at ages two and three. Under these circumstances, parents feel that they cannot afford to opt out, or let their children opt out. What might become of them if they did?Alarmed by the high numbers of unmotivated, burned-out youngsters seeking her psychiatric treatment, Dr. Elisabeth Guthrie set out to uncover not just the sources of their distress but also the factors that drive parents to pressure their children. Dr. Guthrie explores our confounding culture of overachievement and takes a sympathetic look at the pervasive guilt that accompanies raising children today.Drawing on more than fifteen years of clinical experience, Dr. Guthrie outlines why the very intentions behind competitive parenting actually produce the opposite of the desired effect. For the parent who expects a barely potty-trained toddler to begin learning a second language or a first grader to excel at a nightly battery of extracurricular activities, The Trouble with Perfect presents evidence that placing unreasonable expectations on children can actually deter their chances for success later in life. Such pressure can snuff out crucial qualities such as curiosity, spontaneity, and resourcefulness. When children are pushed, the message parents send to them on a daily basis is that they are not capable of making responsible choices by themselves, that appearances are more important than authenticity, that it is less important for them to own their experiences than to hold a significant title. Helping parents discover the fine line between good parenting and pressure parenting, Dr. Guthrie also cites clear ways to address the guilt and societal issues that define the average child (by definition the majority!) as "less-than-perfect" or a “loser.” With tips for enhancing the development of every child’s unique set of talents, the book is a vital reality check for anyone concerned about what’s really best for kids.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting

Unknown Binding

First published January 22, 2002

Reviews

[Red · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed by the book, hoping for more references to scholarly articles and studies (such as in "The Way of Boys" or "Simplicity Parenting") Instead the arguments followed this pattern: references of what Dr. Guthrie argued against are gathered together (and cited) and then the author points out why she thinks the practices are bad. Sometimes she references another author to make her point for her, or to essentially say 'hey, look here, this Dr./Author agrees with me also!' but when she does give statements she doesn't actually reference any studies (either in footnotes or an appendix) which I find extremely off-putting.

One of the most obnoxious examples (to me at any rate, a voracious and advanced reader since preschool) is this: "Many research studies also suggest that kindergarten early readers become disillusioned and dispassionate students by age nine, and that adult-stimulated early achievement in young children can result in anxious learners later. Reading too soon, in fact, is often a symptom of developmental pathology, and is hardly ever the same as reading "on time." Parents are rarely made aware of this research. Certainly it's not front-page news." (Hardcover, 2002, pg. 30.)

Well I would certainly love to see which research studies Dr. Guthrie is referring to... unfortunately she doesn't list her references.

Overall, I think the effort of this book is to provide parents-- anxious parents who are concerned they are overburdening and pressuring their children into over-performing and growing up too quickly-- a sympathetic pat on the back and reassurances that it's okay to back off of their kids and allow them to be normal. That the demand for "Superkids" is unhealthy in the short- and long-term for children and adults, and to recognize when they're imposing unrealistic standards on their kids.

If you find yourself turning over your parenting duties to technology, your kids are begging for free time, you're perpetually worried about whether you're keeping up with the Jones' via your kids, or worse: you're living vicariously through your children -- it wouldn't hurt you to pick up the book from your local library and read through it. Dr. Guthrie has a large section at the back titled "Strategies" that might be helpful.

Having said that, I just cannot get beyond her lack of sources as I find myself incredulous of every statement that she makes about what should be done instead of the standard... even though I want to agree with her!

[E W · Rating 2 out of 5]

The problem of anxious parents worried about their children's futures has only gotten worse since 2002, the year of publication. I wish that more useful advice were contained in this volume, but I realized that the author is not willing to tell parents what is truly necessary to stop with the perfectionistic tendencies inherent to modern UMC childrearing.

First off, the media is the enemy. The author bemoans the garbage on MTV in the early aughts and then says that you can't put limits on television consumption. In other words, this is nothing more than the usual boomer shit about how millennials aren't resilient because of boomer helicopter parenting while refusing to take steps to fix the toxic environment.

Boomer meritocratic nostalgia aside, the college admissions world is truly zero-sum and with the insane amounts of debt involved, not to be left up to chance or one's child desire to find themselves. For example, you have a kid who wants to grow up to become a Supreme Court justice. That person has to go to Yale Law, maybe Harvard Law, which means they truly do need to go HYP as an undergrad. In short, the only way to win in this striving world is to consciously choose not to play.

In the meantime, this reads like a lengthened women's magazine feature wondering what's wrong with the kids circa 2000. I did add a star for the random pop culture references that are two decades out of date. Jerry Springer, nice Rosie O'Donnell, Katie Couric on Today, it was like going back to high school again when this kind of topic was all the rage in respectable media and sadly, it's only gotten worse.

[Douglas Lord · Rating 2 out of 5]

Parents often worry about how much they should pressure their kids to succeed; the Trouble with Perfect is a meandering work that leaves readers searching for an overall framework. Guthrie (clinical director, Learning Diagnostic Ctr. at Blythedale Children’s Hosp., Valhalla, NY) and writer Matthews seem to probe topics only partially instead of drawing conclusions. Although they identify seven pressures that American parents feel (e.g., that money equals happiness) and present some useful insights (i.e., “Some parents just can’t tell the difference between their needs and those of their children”), these analyses are not coherently woven together. At best, an optional purchase; libraries might instead consider Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein’s practical Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope, and Optimism in Your Child.

Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.

[Christy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hold on!!! This book will be a tough read! I had be willing to put down the violin case, the soccer, basketball, lacrosse bags, the Kumon math notebooks, the honor roll and march myself into deep reflection on how this was all really helping my daughters or rather myself. In the nick of time, this book helped me steer my daughters away from misery and toward more fulfillment and self-confidence and awareness. Teen suicide and depression is an epidemic and one can find themselves pretty far down a miserable path dangerously quickly with no directions back - this book is your guide.

[Irsani Indra Putra Noor · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enjoy to learn how to be a wise parent..who will consider to raise their child in balance, happy children also a perfect one. It is not an easy thing, but it is possible to be done.. good luck parents!

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Provocative.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book mostly reinforced my own viewpoints on how to raise and educate my children. It has plenty of great points and real-life examples.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I enjoyed the writing style & tone of this book, I thought it dealt with too many extreme cases of 'pushing' & didn't deal with the fine line issues & the more nuanced situations.