January 2024
It feels such a shame that it stopped where it did, just as it was beginning to get really interesting. But then maybe if he had gone further he would have been in danger of being arrested and imprisoned. But it was such a beautiful and thrilling chapter to end on, and such a cliff-hanger. The rest of the volume was very readable too. It would have been nicer to have it in the first edition though, presumably printed on nice thick paper, instead of this cheaper 1928 edition which has much less aesthetic appeal. It was sad to hear Reid's attitude towards Christianity. It's not surprising, but it's just always sad to hear such feelings stated so explicitly, which leave one with no room for hope.
I wouldn't say that I felt a great deal of at-oneness with Reid. Some of his feelings and interests and behaviours I could relate to. Others of them I couldn't. But sometimes I wondered if he was saying things to try to present himself as closer to normal. Like in Dirk Bogarde's autobiography where he recounts sexual encounters with women, here, until the final chapter, Forrest Reid also throws in several remarks as though to give the impression that he was interested in women, that he was straight. It is only the last chapter which suggests anything different – and that was written in an ambiguous enough way that there would be room for Reid deny that it meant what he appeared to be saying.
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January 2025
It's just under a year since I last read Apostate. Last time I read it in the 1928 Constable Miscellany edition, this time in the 1926 first edition, which is far superior in size and feel - thick paper, wide margins, large text. It's pleasant to handle and comfortable to read. My feelings are pretty much the same as last time. I waver between three and four stars. In many respects, apart from being written in the first person, it reads rather like a Forrest Reid novel.
You occasionally see the sources of inspiration behind some of the characters in his novels. But reading it at this stage (after I've grown so familiar with some of his other works) it's also highlighted some of the key differences between his fictional worlds and his reality. When reading his novels it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking they are very much based upon reality - upon Reid's own childhood, which appears rather idyllic. His fictional boys and their families often seem to conform to a particular pattern. The reality of his own family was rather different. His father died when he was five or six and he had little contact with him. He doesn't appear to have had a close relationship with his mother. And he had six older (surviving) siblings who were often reluctantly lumbered with the responsibilty of looking after him. There is no resemblance here to Tom Barber's family members and the relationships between them. You rather imagine that Reid's siblings must all have been dead by the time he wrote this autobiography because he doesn't paint a very flattering portrait of them and one can't imagine they would have been too happy at the way they were portrayed if they were still alive. Nor can one imagine that he would have wanted them reading some of the things he had to say, unless he had pretty much cut himself off from them all and didn't care what they thought.
To our generation the last chapter feels very much like an account of Reid's 'coming out', but bearing in mind that it was published 99 years ago, long before homosexuality was legal, I wonder how most people of the time read it and understood it and what they thought he was saying.