3's a crowd

by Vijay Nagaswami

It is a myth that only men have affairs. Whom are the ones they're having their affair with? It is not only the aggrieved partner that needs to learn how to recover from the shock and pain caused by an adulterous spouse. The perpetrator is equally a victim of the affair. Affairs are not the product of our times. Infidelity has informed our history, religious stories and culture since time immemorial. Modern technology only makes it easier to discover affairs. Such surprises and insightful observations abound in yet another robust book by renowned relationships counsellor Vijay Nagaswami, in the third of Westland's 'New Indian Marriage' series. More than humour, more than his wit, Nagaswami's greatest quality is his refusal to point out the villain in any piece. We are all flawed individuals, he reminds us yet again, and sometimes make foolish choices in the heat - or boredom - of the moment. But hope is at hand. We Can regret, forgive and learn to love again. And, most importantly, cast away our guilt and our recriminations.

Genres: Nonfiction

308 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2011

Reviews

[Dr. Appu Sasidharan (Dasfill) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the third and the last book in the series. Here the author tells us about the affairs and infidelity that destroy marriages. In this modern world where technology has grown to such an extent that every individual is just a click away from each other, affairs are sadly becoming more and more common.

What are the reasons why people go into affairs? How should the partners deal if they find out their husband/wife is having an affair? How can we prevent affairs from happening in marital life? The author discusses many similar vital topics in this book. The simple tips the author gives in this book can become very useful in your life to prevent you from landing in such a stressful situation.
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[Pragya]

Before I start to tell you about this book, I must warn you that I am not much of a self-help book reader and not really of one I have no use for, but when I saw this book was written by a psychiatrist who offers couple therapy, I said "Hmm, interesting. Wonder what it is about." Even though I knew from the topic and the blurb what the book was about, what I was wondering was if it had anything to give in terms of self-help. I admit I laugh out loud at the idea of such books because doesn't self-help mean you are going to help yourself, isn't using books for it cheating? Anyway, that was my view when I started reading this book.

First off, I was impressed by all the clarifications that the author makes regarding the terms used in the book so as not to arouse any misunderstanding. Good move!

I was really glad that the book wasn't like sitting in a lecture, it had excerpts from real-life situations to draw examples from for clarity and interest. Which, by the way, I really liked.

The chapters are extremely well organized starting with understanding the concept to understanding the viewpoints of the aggrieved (the one whose spouse engages in infidelity) and the transgressor (the one who engages in infidelity) and how to go about moving on from the act. I believe infidelity is not something you move on from easily, especially if you are the aggrieved and the book comes really handy in that aspect.

Also, this is not just a book for the aggrieved but also the transgressor as he/she is not see as the criminal but his viewpoint is also seen and the act of infidelity is not seen as immoral but as an act that happened. The book would help both of them to understand what happened and to move on with life.

Personally, the book was a good read for me because I saw and thought things that I hadn't pondered on since now. I hadn't known what it was like for the transgressor or how to enable couples to move on from 'the act'. I think this made for a good textbook for me. LOL!

In all, recommended for all the aggrieved and transgressors, people who are interested in the concept of infidelity (and not the act, I hope). The book made me laugh in a few places. And though I do not agree with every single concept the book has to offer, I agree generally and am impressed with the depth of the author's knowledge.

So, in a few words, read this one if you are interested, you won't regret it.

[Bala123 · Rating 4 out of 5]

As I was browsing through the books on Relationships, I came to know about this book. This book is the last book in The New Indian Marriage Series. The author explains the different situations and contexts in which infidelity takes place. An affair involves 3 people and the author doesn't blame or point any of them for the affair. He doesn't judge them and focuses on the emotional aspects of affairs. He has used the words carefully to avoid a negative image in the relationship.

The first part Understanding Infidelity explains the types of Affairs and how it happens. In the second part Surviving Infidelity, one can be assured that any affair can be survived and the relationship can be strengthened again.

The second chapter titled We're just friends, We're not having an affair clearly explains the difference between a friendship and an affair. Some transgressors tend to blame the aggrieved partner for getting into an affair. There are many different ways to deal with unfulfilled expectations and having an affair is not one of them.

As platonic friends get more emotionally involved, they might cross the boundary. The author has justified that having a fantasy is not an affair.

The below are some of the interesting points from the book:

1. Affairs don't just happen. We make them happen. Though we know of the dangerous consequences, we go out of our way and make them happen deliberately.

2. It is possible to love more than one person at a time. But it's not possible to have more than one relationship at a time.

3. Relationships are time-consuming, energy-intensive and if you are committed to a monogamous relationship, the lies and deception that go along with extramarital affairs can sap your soul.

4. Emotional Intimacy is often an indicator of a potential affair, even if there's no sex happening. It's not always that people go out and seek affairs; sometimes affairs just walk through the door unannounced.

5. Who said 'forbidden fruit' is easy to digest?

6. It's axiomatic that the only people believe the affair to be a well-kept secret are those having the affair.

7. You can't keep a self-respecting cat in a bag for very long.

The author finishes the book with the words: When it comes to marriage, three is always a crowd.

Very soon, I will be reading his book, The Fifty-50 Marriage (Return To Intimacy).

[Subroto · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perhaps the only self help book I have ever read - that too in one sitting (between flights). Picked up the book because of a) the cover art (i know how stupid that sounds) and b) a line on the back jacket "It is not only the aggrieved partner that needs to learn how to recover from the shock and pain caused by an adulterous spouse. The perpetrator is equally a victim of the affair".

Two people come together - make something - decide to work on it - keep it alive and happy all their lives, but one day one of them moves on and hence breaking down this whole world they built together. 1 is left behind cos the other (2) moved on with someone else. This 1 (left behind) is often termed the victim cos he/she's unpaired or supposedly did not initiate the adultery(?) While 2 is termed as the evil one or perpetrator of the crime. Is the "perpetrator" really basically evil ? Does he /she enjoy destroying something even he /she had built and wanted to live in? Were they pretending when they started off- always looking out for someone better? Is it that simple ? If so then perhaps 2 will never settle down with anyone for keeps. But look around you -data suggests otherwise.

Are people actually that binary - good or bad - black or white ? Good people always loyal and loving and Bad people – adulterous by nature - ready to have affairs – ready to break hearts and homes ?

This book gives you the answers without preaching. There is nothing to agree or disagree to in this book despite being based on data from various cases which the writer a psychiatrist and relationship counselor has handled cs nowhere in the book does the writer draw a single general broad based conclusion or norm. He only helps you explore and understand various aspects of the subject under consideration - in this instance - infidelity. Not for an instance giving in to the temptation of terming anything as unethical or anyone as a villain.

The only thing you are left back with is a sad but true realization - Falling out of love,(with or without) infidelity (mental or physical or both) could happen to ANYONE.

A brilliant book - must read for all friends of mine who are in love or want to be in love with someone.

[Suchitra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written with plenty of real life anecdotes to keep it from being too academic. Humorous too! Deals with a difficult subject non judgementally. A must read for anyone married or in a steady relationship!