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The Family Bed
This item in perfect condition like a brand new. First owner has named in top other side of cover page as a first reader. Very miner crease on cover page probably on shipping. Original protective wrapping may be missing, but the original packaging is intact and pristine. There are absolutely no signs of wear on the item or its packaging. Item is suitable for presenting as a gift.
159 pages, Paperback
First published November 1, 1986
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Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews
January 16, 2012
I know what you're thinking - this book sounds totally crazy, but hear me out. I was never a proponent of co-sleeping before having children, in fact I'm sure I criticized it a fair number of times.
BUT, I had a rude awakening (literally) when we brought Lucas home from the hospital and he wouldn't sleep in his bassinet. He wouldn't sleep at all, unless he was being held, or snuggled close to me, in my bed. So, very reluctantly, we brought him into our bed. A mantra I've adopted is "a baby's wants and needs are the same thing" so naturally I was curious to read more about the needs of babies and toddlers to sleep with someone.
A couple excerpts that I like:
"How do children learn to love? How do children learn to wait? Child psychologists' records of observations indicate that it is the baby who is immediately and unconditionally loved, immediately and unconditionally waited on, who learns to love and to wait. Indulgence in this respect at an early age results in patience as an adult. The person who is not frustrated in his early years is more capable of enduring frustration as an adult."
I love the above statement because it is so opposite of what society tells us today - don't hold your baby too much or else you'll spoil it!
More quotes:
"The need of a child to sleep with members of his family is not subject to be determined by our opinion. It should be determined by his emotional wants.
"We are born needing. We need air, food, sleep, and shelter. We need intellectual and physical stimulation. We need to be loved and touched. If any of these needs goes fully or even partially unattended, the person hurts; and in the case of an emotional wound, the person may spend the rest of his life struggling to soothe the initial hurt."
I'm certainly not going to tell everyone that they HAVE to co-sleep, but I think we need to stop thinking of it as taboo. I do think more babies should be welcomed into the family bed, rather than left on their own to "cry it out" - a practice which I think is so harmful to a child's emotional health.
And as far as the book - it has some very interesting research that does indicate that everyone benefits from the family bed. I'm halfway through the book, and I'm finding it fascinating, mostly because it is so different than what most of society tells us.
And one final quote:
"It would be thoughtless to simply say, "Give your children that which they need," for deep within many of us lie needs that were not fulfilled during our own infancy, needs which, even as adults, we are still trying to fulfill - needs that are so strong that they surface when we are faced with our own children's demands. It would be thoughtless because true maturing comes from within ourselves, not from without. We frequently read, "If you don't want to take full responsibility for your children, then you are not ready and should not have children."
But it is strangely wonderful that, for many of us, our very own children are the ones who make us more mature. They allow us to experience more fully that which our own parents may have left incomplete. They awaken within us dormant instincts, dormant selves, even though it may take several children before this happens...
"Allow yourself to grow, to mature with your children." (page 129-130)
BUT, I had a rude awakening (literally) when we brought Lucas home from the hospital and he wouldn't sleep in his bassinet. He wouldn't sleep at all, unless he was being held, or snuggled close to me, in my bed. So, very reluctantly, we brought him into our bed. A mantra I've adopted is "a baby's wants and needs are the same thing" so naturally I was curious to read more about the needs of babies and toddlers to sleep with someone.
A couple excerpts that I like:
"How do children learn to love? How do children learn to wait? Child psychologists' records of observations indicate that it is the baby who is immediately and unconditionally loved, immediately and unconditionally waited on, who learns to love and to wait. Indulgence in this respect at an early age results in patience as an adult. The person who is not frustrated in his early years is more capable of enduring frustration as an adult."
I love the above statement because it is so opposite of what society tells us today - don't hold your baby too much or else you'll spoil it!
More quotes:
"The need of a child to sleep with members of his family is not subject to be determined by our opinion. It should be determined by his emotional wants.
"We are born needing. We need air, food, sleep, and shelter. We need intellectual and physical stimulation. We need to be loved and touched. If any of these needs goes fully or even partially unattended, the person hurts; and in the case of an emotional wound, the person may spend the rest of his life struggling to soothe the initial hurt."
I'm certainly not going to tell everyone that they HAVE to co-sleep, but I think we need to stop thinking of it as taboo. I do think more babies should be welcomed into the family bed, rather than left on their own to "cry it out" - a practice which I think is so harmful to a child's emotional health.
And as far as the book - it has some very interesting research that does indicate that everyone benefits from the family bed. I'm halfway through the book, and I'm finding it fascinating, mostly because it is so different than what most of society tells us.
And one final quote:
"It would be thoughtless to simply say, "Give your children that which they need," for deep within many of us lie needs that were not fulfilled during our own infancy, needs which, even as adults, we are still trying to fulfill - needs that are so strong that they surface when we are faced with our own children's demands. It would be thoughtless because true maturing comes from within ourselves, not from without. We frequently read, "If you don't want to take full responsibility for your children, then you are not ready and should not have children."
But it is strangely wonderful that, for many of us, our very own children are the ones who make us more mature. They allow us to experience more fully that which our own parents may have left incomplete. They awaken within us dormant instincts, dormant selves, even though it may take several children before this happens...
"Allow yourself to grow, to mature with your children." (page 129-130)
August 18, 2011
I find myself completely unable to rate this book because of all these strange factors: the book has many dated-issues / lacking current research (such as the "Back is Best" campaign in recent years) and I am the choir to which she is preaching.
However:
- I would have appreciated more anecdotal narratives from a variety of experiences, or--
- more concrete tips on how to safely co-sleep.
- Of course, it seems a little silly of me to seek co-sleeping guidance when Maya is already six months old. Probably should have dug this weathered gem up at the public library when I realized we would use the crib as an expensive laundry hamper for a good while....
- I also would have preferred more citations of studies or specific descriptions of said studies that backed up her assertions. Other voices, in other words--ones with authority on the subject.
- I did appreciate the mention of "weaning" from the bed, though I think this will be just like how we stumbled into co-sleeping. We'll play it by ear and take our cues from the kiddo.
- (This book spends more time now how you won't psychologically eff up your kid. Um, I wasn't concerned with incest... Was this a bigger concern a few decades ago?)
- By the way, what is up with that cover? Could I want to co-sleep any LESS? (I love it, by the way. And I was definitely a face-scruncher at the subject pre-co-sleeping.) And how funny that the book discusses the values of skin-to-skin contact when the cover's image makes it look like it would be impossible to put any more clothing on. I wiggle with discomfort looking at those get-ups.
- The author seems to lump homosexuality with sexually deviant behaviors. (As in, don't worry, co-sleeping won't lead to molestation or homosexuality... Whaaaaaa?!) That makes me want to one-star this puppy, but then I don't want to look like I'm against the family bed. So, for now, I star-refrain, and leave the babbling to convey my opinion.
So there you are. I'm still going to co-sleep, but I don't think this book has any effect on that.
Also, I can say this about my personal experiences co-sleeping: I seem to get a gazillion more hours of sleep than my non-co-sleeping compatriots, I haven't squished her yet, and we do nurse at night, though neither of us really wakes up, making "Does she sleep through the night?" a tricky question. I would say each family must decide what is best, and for us, the choice (which was never really overtly made) is obvious.
However:
- I would have appreciated more anecdotal narratives from a variety of experiences, or--
- more concrete tips on how to safely co-sleep.
- Of course, it seems a little silly of me to seek co-sleeping guidance when Maya is already six months old. Probably should have dug this weathered gem up at the public library when I realized we would use the crib as an expensive laundry hamper for a good while....
- I also would have preferred more citations of studies or specific descriptions of said studies that backed up her assertions. Other voices, in other words--ones with authority on the subject.
- I did appreciate the mention of "weaning" from the bed, though I think this will be just like how we stumbled into co-sleeping. We'll play it by ear and take our cues from the kiddo.
- (This book spends more time now how you won't psychologically eff up your kid. Um, I wasn't concerned with incest... Was this a bigger concern a few decades ago?)
- By the way, what is up with that cover? Could I want to co-sleep any LESS? (I love it, by the way. And I was definitely a face-scruncher at the subject pre-co-sleeping.) And how funny that the book discusses the values of skin-to-skin contact when the cover's image makes it look like it would be impossible to put any more clothing on. I wiggle with discomfort looking at those get-ups.
- The author seems to lump homosexuality with sexually deviant behaviors. (As in, don't worry, co-sleeping won't lead to molestation or homosexuality... Whaaaaaa?!) That makes me want to one-star this puppy, but then I don't want to look like I'm against the family bed. So, for now, I star-refrain, and leave the babbling to convey my opinion.
So there you are. I'm still going to co-sleep, but I don't think this book has any effect on that.
Also, I can say this about my personal experiences co-sleeping: I seem to get a gazillion more hours of sleep than my non-co-sleeping compatriots, I haven't squished her yet, and we do nurse at night, though neither of us really wakes up, making "Does she sleep through the night?" a tricky question. I would say each family must decide what is best, and for us, the choice (which was never really overtly made) is obvious.
December 11, 2009
At the time, this book was like manna from heaven! Exactly what I needed. Still great info
January 7, 2022
This book is fine. It’s for people who would like to sleep with their kids but feel societal pressure not to. It is not for people like me who never felt that pressure and couldn’t care less anyway. I wanted info on how to safely have older kids sleeping with a baby (and whether that is safe, doesn’t seem like it.) But there was little practical advice in this book. It’s emotional arguments about why you should sleep with your kids if you want to.
April 15, 2016
Just to be clear, I am pro co-sleeping.
However I have some major MAJOR problems with this book!
1) The writing throughout is so ethos heavy that it comes off as "you are greatly impairing your child and are an awful parent if you don't co-sleep."
2) Implications that homosexuality is a mental illness or "maladjustment" than can be prevented through co-sleeping. No, just no.
3) References oral contraceptives and IUD's as "abortifacts." This is just wrong. Preventing pregnancy and forcing miscarriages are very different things. The epilogue also implies that abortions are ruining "family life."
Even after taking into consideration the time it was written and its "historical significance," I am still shocked that this is on the DONA required reading list as there are MANY books that cover the same topic with less offense to the various family situations that exist today.
However I have some major MAJOR problems with this book!
1) The writing throughout is so ethos heavy that it comes off as "you are greatly impairing your child and are an awful parent if you don't co-sleep."
2) Implications that homosexuality is a mental illness or "maladjustment" than can be prevented through co-sleeping. No, just no.
3) References oral contraceptives and IUD's as "abortifacts." This is just wrong. Preventing pregnancy and forcing miscarriages are very different things. The epilogue also implies that abortions are ruining "family life."
Even after taking into consideration the time it was written and its "historical significance," I am still shocked that this is on the DONA required reading list as there are MANY books that cover the same topic with less offense to the various family situations that exist today.
June 22, 2022
It's extremely foolish to believe that a child should sleep in their parents bed. A child needs to learn independence. Without this they will grow into spoiled children with the inability to take care of themselves. Absolute rubbish
April 20, 2016
The Family Bed, written almost forty years ago, shares the stories of families who decided to let their children sleep in their bed. It also mentions other cultures, in which sharing a sleeping space is the norm, and attempts to dispel the notion that co-sleeping is bad for both child and parents.
I thought I would enjoy the anthropological approach, but - in spite of the length of the book - I felt it only superficially touched on the subject. Perhaps because much of its information sounds old-fashioned nowadays. I think I prefer Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent's Guide to Cosleeping, which at least gives practical suggestions for how to co-sleep.
I thought I would enjoy the anthropological approach, but - in spite of the length of the book - I felt it only superficially touched on the subject. Perhaps because much of its information sounds old-fashioned nowadays. I think I prefer Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent's Guide to Cosleeping, which at least gives practical suggestions for how to co-sleep.
July 19, 2011
Torn between a 3 and a 5 star rating because I loved reading it up until the end when I just started feeling like if I don't co-sleep with my kids than they will turn into psychopaths. The beginning of the book is all about showing love and characteristics of loving societies and has a lot of bold ideas about separation in our society. One of the main ideas is that all of the things we normally do in our society with our children, such as sleeping seperately, giving babies pacifiers, encouraging early weaning and independence of very young children and so forth, are things that seperate the mother and the baby. That early seperation is causing our children to be more focused on loving objects like pacifiers, blankies, "lovees" ... rather than being focused on loving and trusting people.
October 1, 2013
This book has opened my mind and gave me clarity as to really how to raise a child as a human being. I feel that the traditions from my family are outdated and do not match the needs of my child. I would rather approach raising a child from the perspective of this book.
I believe that it's possible to improve family relations by remaining close as a family. Touch is very important. When my child sleeps next to me at night, she never cries. And every morning, she wakes up with a smile. I find this to be a wonderful and beautiful relationship to have.
I would highly recommend that anyone starting a family should read this book.
I believe that it's possible to improve family relations by remaining close as a family. Touch is very important. When my child sleeps next to me at night, she never cries. And every morning, she wakes up with a smile. I find this to be a wonderful and beautiful relationship to have.
I would highly recommend that anyone starting a family should read this book.
July 9, 2010
I selected this book from a garage sale pile due to its amusing cover. The case was thoroughly presented for sleeping as a family. While it makes sense to me to keep an infant close so it knows its parents are near, I wasn't convinced of benefit past those early years. The book was short, but could have benefited from further editing as most information was covered in the first three chapters.
December 21, 2010
I didn't really need to be convinced that co-sleeping would not emotionally damage children. If that's what you need, this book will do you some good.
I just wanted tips for "make sure you don't kill the baby." the answer to that is apparently not to worry, you won't kill the baby unless you have a sleeping disorder of some kind.
I just wanted tips for "make sure you don't kill the baby." the answer to that is apparently not to worry, you won't kill the baby unless you have a sleeping disorder of some kind.
September 27, 2014
It's outdated, it lacks research to back up its theories, and even its first-person accounts are a little anemic. At least it existed back when all the baby books forbade co-sleeping, but a much more satisfying, persuasive, and comprehensive alternative these days is 'Vital Touch' by Sharon Heller.
August 30, 2015
Cosleeping wasn't for us, but I really enjoyed this book. There are some thought-provoking and controversial claims that make you think twice about why cosleeping could be far more beneficial than you'd imagine. It's a bit old-fashioned, but worth a read when expecting. At least it gives you information to make an informed decision about sleep habits.
August 1, 2007
I enjoyed the information from this book, even if I didn't agree with every word on every page. It made me feel so much better about the decisions I had already made
August 24, 2007
A very important book.
December 1, 2007
A beautiful depiction of co-sleeping and the family bed. I'm thankful we share our family bed with our toddler, and I'd sleep no other way!
February 17, 2008
A very well-thought-out book. Loved it when my first baby was born- love it now that I have grand-babies.
September 2, 2008
Read this almost 16 years ago with my oldest. Influenced the way I parent.
July 21, 2009
postpartum required doula reading contd...
December 2, 2009
Excellent
June 9, 2010
Read this as a justification of moving our daughter into our bed to sleep!
August 13, 2010
One of the first books written about the daring technique of co-sleeping!
September 30, 2008
Some books are classics for tired families!
Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews