Based on the Snick TV series, this set of books kind of went backwards from TV to books, which is a definite lowering of the standard that I don’t really approve of.
In the show, and in the book, a bunch of kids would get together in the woods, and one of them would tell a spooky story, initiated by throwing flash powder on the campfire they all sat around. They called themselves The Midnight Society, and while this is great and a total fantasy for kids, I can’t imagine a bunch of kids getting together and actually doing this. There’s no way a kid would do this kind of homework on the regular. You can barely get a kid to do 15 minutes of math worksheets let alone come up with an entire narrative about a haunted laser tag or whatever. Hell, you can’t even get adults to come to a writing workshop with 7 pages every other week.
The Sinister Statues book starts off with these three kids, they hit the museum, and one of the kids starts drawing mustaches on a bunch of the old statues. The museum curator catches him and is pissed, and I’m very much team curator at this point. This little dickhead is using a marker to draw mustaches on ancient art, and the other kids are like, “It’s no big deal, they’ll wipe right off.” Seriously? And even if they will, what gives you the right to deface, or reface, statues?
I think one good thing about museums is that they are so fucking boring that, for the most part, influencers don’t do stupid shit in them, right? Or am I just not being exposed to the right/wrong kind of influencers? Are there people doing stupid dances in front of the prairie dioramas? Are there influencers like the ones in the hiking world that insist wandering nature with a bluetooth speaker blasting is an acceptable way to “enjoy nature?” Are there art viewers doing the same thing?
Speaking of boring museum shit, man, what becomes of diorama makers in the age of AI, eh? Before, I guess this was the best way to depict the average cave man’s life or whatever, but now it’s like 10 minutes of work for someone with rudimentary knowledge of cave men and boom, you’ve got a cg image that pretty much does the job, certainly as good as the papier mache stuff they’re always making where boulders never look right.
The curator does the thing where he’s like, “Because you defaced these statues, I’ll make you do work for me the rest of the day.” Which probably doesn’t happen too often in real life, right? If I caught someone carving swastikas in a library book, I wouldn’t be like, “Now you’ll come shelve books for the rest of the day” because am I supposed to trust this person, who has clearly demonstrated they don’t give a fuck about books, to shelve them properly? And even if they strive to do it right, it’s a ton of work on my part to monitor them. This seems really stupid on my part, I’d rather just have him pay a fine and pick up garbage on the highway, thanks. I mean, even if you fuck up picking up trash, we’re not really worse off. Maybe this is what “fostering youth” is all about, but…oh, there’s another thing I don’t like about it: Why is the punishment for defacing a statue doing MY job? That implies that I’m doing my job as a punishment. Which I sort of am. It’s the punishment I receive for renting a home and wanting to visit a doctor once a year and I guess driving around a 25 year-old car. If I didn’t have such lavish tastes, maybe I wouldn’t be getting this punishment 40 hours per week.
Through a LONG series of events, seriously, this one starts pretty good and then draaags in the middle, we discover that the evil Dr. Stone, the curator, has a machine that’s turning real people into stone statues, and simultaneously turning stone statues into living people. So you could put Michaelangelo’s David in one chamber, a kid in another, boom, you’d have a statue of some bastard kid and then a living David.
There are A LOT of questions that go unanswered in this, and I would say there’s at least one for each of the Who What Where When WhyHow.
Why would someone even begin the process of pursuing a device that does this?
What utility does this have? I’m not like a “All scientists are playing god” kind of guy, I’m all for cloning organs and shit, but what purpose does bringing a gargoyle to life serve, really?
How do you build this machine? I watched Oppenheimer, and although I do not know how to build an atomic bomb, I do understand that if I had to, the way I would go about it is to find a bunch of super smart scientists, preferably with somewhat odd taste in hats, and then throw them into the project.
Who is this guy’s boss? This person must have some kind of boss, or at least similarly-placed-on-the-org-chart colleagues who would be like, “Uh, bro, are you making some kind of bring stuff to life machine? Because that’s not super really what we’re supposed to be doing here at the museum.”
When a statue is brought to life, how do they adapt to the modern world so quickly? Does this story imply the statues are always kind of alive and aware, so they have watched things happen, or is it just magic, or…?
Where do you get the parts for such a machine? Where do you build it? I barely have room to build a bookshelf in my garage, let alone a device with two chambers, one of which has a huge statue in it, the other a live child.
I do, however, sort of like that the curator is kidnapping jerkoff kids who fuck around with museum exhibits. He’s almost like a vigilante, Robinhooding life from the wicked and giving it to the statues, I guess. I mean, if they took the biggest dickheads out of my elementary school and gave their lives to statues, I would not have been super upset about that, honestly.
So the guy has a few creatures and a couple guys he’s brought to life from statues, and then our main kids are about to be turned into statues, but the curator brings Anubis to life from a statue, and Anubis turns on the curator.
Which, okay, so apparently the statues have the qualities of the people they’re modeled after, which…I guess makes as much sense as anything in the book, so it’s hard to knock it, but…whatever.
So the idiot curator brought to life an Egyptian god who is known for being super judgmental, and then he’s like, Oh, fuck, I blew it for myself, Anubis forces a greek guy statue to turn back into a statue, freeing our vandalizing friend, and the curator gets statuized, I think so Anubis can continue to walk the earth and, I don’t know, bring justice to people in highly ironic ways.
But we fail to mention that there are still a couple statues roaming around that didn’t seem to get turned back, so in theory there are still a couple kids who are statues that’ll never get turned back because only this one maniac knows how to use this machine, right? One of the statues may have been brought to life by statue-izing a cat. Which, okay, if a cat can turn into a statue and bring a human to life, I’m not the biggest human rights advocate here, but wouldn’t that be MUCH easier than kidnapping kids? It wouldn’t be terribly suspicious if a leather elbow be-patched museum curator had a bunch of cats that seemed to disappear from time-to-time. That’s both in line with what a museum nerd would do and a cat would do.
Overall, Are You Afraid of the Dark? is a show that I loved, Twilight Zone for kids. As an adult, it’s a bit of a rough watch, if I’m honest. It’s so cheap and so Canadian.
Are You Afraid of the Dark premiered about 2 months after the first Goostbumps book hit the shelves, so it seems like there was something in the air in 1992 that had everyone making horror media for kids, because it’s not like one possibly ripped off the other, being that close together, they were definitely in production at the same time.
The Sinister Statues book was actually pretty good, pretty read-able. It seemed like maybe the disbelief period was on the long side, and there was quite a bit of wheel spinning, and I think a better book would’ve just been much shorter and spent less time screwing around. But I’m sure these sorts of things had a lot to do with publishers saying something had to be X length so people felt like they were getting a good value for $3.99. Which would be $8.95 today. I can kind of see the point, if a kid read a book in 30 minutes, people might feel a little ripped off. But on the other hand, I’m the sort of person who would rather read a shorter book than a longer one that’s too long. Or, like an album: some people complain about an album being short, like 30-40 minutes, back when we bought CDs, but I’m of the opinion that I’d rather have that short album than one with four extra crap songs as filler. Or Chex Mix. The peanuts and pretzels don’t take on any flavor dust, so it’s just like bag filler. Pumpernickel chips, baby. That’s what gives us all boners.