This was a bad idea.
Take an early play by Agatha Christie, so over-written for the stage that it comes across as an amusing self-parody. Select a non-fiction writer, opera expert and erstwhile actor, to turn it into a novel. Result? A frankly embarrassing read. Histrionics and melodrama do not work on the page; or at least not for a modern audience. Neither is a good novel crafted in the same way as a play.
I had my doubts early on, when one of the characters was telling us the history of another, at great length. We are then treated to an inordinately detailed description of the drawing room, and rather stilted dialogue. Adding a plan of the room ensures that we are in for a very clunky read indeed.
The telling of a character’s life history and present situation is a crude way of getting information across, which would be far better slowly revealed by events. This is a rookie mistake. The detailed description was clearly lifted verbatim from stage directions. And a sketch map? In chapter two? Why? We are still grindingly slowly being introduced to the characters; nothing has happened to merit this. No little grey cells are frantically trying to work out how a locked room murder has been committed (although this is indeed, to come). Neither are we interior decorators, being invited to redesign the room.
Take this piece of sparkling writing:
“Sir Claud Amory joined the dinner party, taking his place at the head of the table around which the six others were already seated. On Sir Claud’s right sat his niece, Barbara Amory, with Richard, her cousin and the only son of Sir Claud, next to her. On Richard Amory’s right sat a house-guest, Dr Carelli an Italian. Continuing round, at the opposite end of the table to Sir Claud, sat Caroline Amory his sister. A middle-aged spinster, she had run Sir Claud’s house for him ever since his wife died some years earlier. Edward Raynor, Sir Claud’s secretary, sat on Miss Amory’s right, with Lucia, Richard Amory’s wife, between him and the head of the household.”
More stage directions? Or is this an exceptionally dry piece of writing by a nonfiction writer, keen to cram in as much information as possible, without worrying about how dry it is? Close your eyes. Now what can you remember? I can remember very little - and I’ve just typed it out!
Here is another choice bit of dialogue:
“I was just saying dear wasn’t I, what a very strange thing it was that Dr Carelli should turn up in the way he did, with no idea that you were living in this part of the world. You simply ran into him, in the village, and invited him here. It must have been a great surprise for you, my dear, mustn’t it?”
Ouch! The phrase “show not tell” springs to mind. And most especially, do not have one character telling another what they have done!
A feeble attempt at suspense is attempted:
“‘There are shadows -’ she looked over her shoulder as though she could see them ‘shadows everywhere.’”
And I plodded through to chapter 3. By now the convention has been established. The older generation are gossipy women, tactless, insular with vague prejudices, and a little dim-witted. The younger ones are slightly brighter, glamorous, but brittle and fragile, given to emotional outbursts (female), or sullen resentment quick to anger (male). All most amusing, don’t you know.
It really is painting by numbers, this novel. Perhaps you remember the kits from when you were a child. The outline of a picture was printed on canvas board, and the picture at this point was not entirely clear. The task was to fill in the numbered patches, with oil paint provided in tiny numbered pots, with a brush. The brush strokes must not be seen. That would add unwanted texture and depth: something this novel badly lacks. Also when the picture was completed, it was possible to tell instantly that this was not an original painting, but completed from a kit. It did not really gel. The areas were discrete. Nothing blended naturally. It remained … crude.
By chapter 5 we have several elements in place. We have met the players in this farce of a murder mystery, been privy to several secrets, seen the poison handled by various individuals, and witnessed much gossiping, whispering and sneering. All of this interspersed with stage directions, so that we know just exactly who is engrossed in a newspaper, who has moved across the room to sit down in a small armchair, who is dancing with whom, who is standing in front of the fireplace, who has put a lump of sugar into their coffee, who has fallen asleep, who is walking across the room … ad infinitum.
On, wearily, to chapter 5. Ah, now this is where the novel should have started! A novel is different from a play. It needs something to engage our attention. A play has other elements which can prove interesting to the audience, but keeping the text of the play in the same order, I fear, was a mistake. Now we have something to grab the attention.
The drawing room is plunged into darkness. The door has been locked from the outside. When the lights are switched back on, a priceless formula which had been stolen, has apparently miraculously appeared, in full view of everyone present, exactly as Sir Claud requested. Sir Claud had announced that one of the people present was a thief. He offered a deal: that if whoever stole the envelope containing the papers put it on the table, then no questions would be asked. But once the lights were turned back on, by Tredwell, the butler, if the papers were not there, then the matter would be out of his hands, and turned over to the police. But the thrill of the returned envelope is short-lived, for someone is now dead, and of course the reader knows that they must have been murdered.
Now that is a great piece of theatre.
The story? Sir Claud Amory is a famous, award-winning physicist. He had developed the principle for accelerating particles: the travelling wave particle accelerator. Now he has been working on a new formula to bombard the atom, and obviously this was work which was of great interest to the Ministry of Defence, for use in any future war. However Sir Claud was extremely worried, and called Hercule Poirot to ask for help, informing him that someone in his own household was attempting to steal the formula, since his work was now complete, and a new and deadly explosive could be made.
Hercule Poirot and his friend Captain Arthur Hastings travelled to the Amory residence, but by the time they arrive, someone has been poisoned, and the formula has indeed disappeared. It is up to Poirot and his little grey cells to untangle the mystery. A nice touch is that every single person present had the chance to steal the formula, as each character had been left alone in the drawing room for a few minutes, shortly before they had all been summoned to Sir Claud Amory’s presence. It is a shame that the description of each of their actions was written in quite so pedestrian a fashion.
This is a locked room mystery; moreover the French windows are secured by an ingenious lock of Sir Claud’s own design, which nobody else can work. There is, handily, a tin of poisonous drugs from an ancient doctor’s bag, which is kept on top of a cupboard and accessible to all. The tin contains several phials of deadly chemicals, each of which could prove fatal. In particular hyoscine hydrobromide could easily put a person into “a dreamless sleep”. (This fact was helpfully communicated to everyone in the novel, by one of the characters.) We also have much confusion, by virtue of more than one switching of possibly poisoned cups of coffee.
There is jealousy and intrigue. At least one of the characters is deeply in debt. At least one has a mysterious past, and it is revealed that one of the characters comes from dubious, villainous, parentage. There are hints of an Italian political plot. We have three of Agatha Christie’s much-loved star characters present, in Hercule Poirot, Captain Arthur Hastings, and Sergeant Japp, of Scotland Yard. All the elements are there for a superb whodunnit ... and yet what we have is a camp travesty.
The adapter of Agatha Christie’s play Black Coffee, is the Australian-born author, Charles Osborne, who at various times of his life had been an actor, a life model, a chorus boy, a bookshop assistant, a cinema usher and an underwear sales rep. However, he was also a poet, theatre critic, editor, opera buff and biographer, and the literature director of the Arts Council of Great Britain from 1971 to 1986. His policies were often controversial, but his work as a writer was much respected. Charles Osborne was equally at home in biography, journalism, poetry, music, drama and literary criticism.
Charles Osborne showed an early talent for music, and his works included studies of the operas of Verdi, Wagner, Strauss and Mozart. When in his twenties, he earned a living through acting, appearing in everything from Shakespeare to Noël Coward, in the theatres of Brisbane, Melbourne and beyond, and played rep in “Ned Kelly country”. He also wrote good poetry, and when he forgot his lines on stage, was able to improvise with impeccable blank verse. He appeared in radio plays, serials and commercials and after winning a competition on one tour for having the most shapely legs in the company, earned extra cash by posing nude for a life class at the National Art Gallery of Victoria in Melbourne.
In 1953, at the age of 25, he set sail for Great Britain, where he was to live for the rest of his life. Initially he was employed in casual work, including as a commissionaire at the “Academy” cinema in Oxford Street, London. However, his insistence on wearing his cap at what he considered “a suitably insouciant angle” resulted in him being fired. He sounds quite a character!
From 1986 to 1991 he was the chief theatre critic of the “Daily Telegraph” newspaper, and also contributed criticism on a wide variety of topics to other leading publications, including “Opera” magazine. He wrote several highly regarded books on Classical music, and published poetry which has been critically acclaimed.
Charles Osborne wrote a biography of W.H. Auden (with whom he had a special friendship), and a biographical companion to the works of Agatha Christie. He converted other plays into novels too: Noël Coward’s “Blithe Spirit” and Oscar Wilde’s “The Importance of Being Earnest”. Black Coffee is not the only play by Agatha Christie to have been graced by his attention. He adapted two more into novels.
In 1998, Charles Osborne had taken a little known play by Agatha Christie, Black Coffee, which had initially been rejected by her publisher as “not good enough”. Black Coffee was eventually published in 1930, although the action is set in 1934. Charles Osborne adapted Agatha Christie’s play, and turned it into a novel. This was approved by the Christie estate, and enthusiastically endorsed by her grandson Michael Prichard, who described it as “a classic ‘someone in this room is the murderer’ story” .
In fact Charles Osborne’s novelisation of the play was so well received, that he wrote two more: “The Unexpected Guest” in 1999 and “Spider’s Web” in 2000. I doubt very much whether I shall be reading these. It baffles me a little that the clunky Black Coffee has proved so popular. I can only put it down to the public’s insatiable desire for “a new Agatha Christie”, and the idea that any flaws of writing style would be forgivable, if it was truly a retelling of the Great Dame’s initial devising. For my part, I would prefer to read an original novel by her again, in the hope that I would not guess “whodunnit”. There are certainly plenty of them.
I do not doubt the credentials of this author, but fiction is not his forte. I am rating this at one star, often finding the read excruciating. I suspect however, that the original play would rate two stars from me. It has some good ideas; which are classic Christie. A two star read is worth reading: by Goodreads guidelines, “it was OK”, but nothing special.
So would I watch the play as live theatre? Yes, quite possibly. I can imagine a talented amateur company having great fun camping this up, overindulging their talent for melodrama, and making the most of the ridiculously over-the-top histrionics. It could make for an amusing, fun evening, and it is quite possible that Agatha Christie had this in mind, and wrote this with her tongue firmly in her cheek. A young Charles Osborne apparently starred in one of the first productions, as Dr Carelli.
Did I guess “whodunit” in this case? Yes - and let me assure you that I am usually fairly hopeless at this. It was a bit of a giveaway though, that Poirot asked for whisky! A nice, and predictable, piece of theatre followed this.
I will leave you with the bare bones of the clues: the sounds made during that early two minutes when the lights were switched off by Sir Claud Amory, and which Poirot considered essential to solving the plot:
“‘Gasps … a lot of little gasps … the noise of a chair falling … a metallic click … a scream … the knocking at the door … oh! … right at the beginning, the noise of tearing silk …’
‘It is all there Hastings, in those few moments of darkness. All there. And yet our ears tell us - nothing.’”
And a recurring motif:
“The coffee tastes bitter.”
Indeed it does.