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Choice: True Stories of Birth, Contraception, Infertility, Adoption, Single Parenthood, and Abortion
A moving collection of personal essays about the real, human experiences behind the highly politicized issue of reproductive choice.
At a time when a woman’s most complex decisions have been reduced to political rhetoric and impersonal theory, and political debate has been hijacked by pundits and name-callers, Choice joins the discourse with an assortment of candid voices in an effort to humanize the debate about reproductive rights. In addressing a wide range of women’s choices—from using birth control to taking the morning-after pill, from adopting a child to putting a child up for adoption, from having an abortion to bringing a pregnancy to full term—Choice explores the complexities inherent in every reproductive decision.
Including twenty-four honest, heartrending essays from established writers such as Francine Prose, Jacquelyn Mitchard, Pam Houston, Ann Hood, and Sarah Messer and emerging talents such as Kimi Faxon Hemingway, Stephanie Anderson, and Ashley Talley, Choice will allow you to truly understand the meaning of the word “choice”—regardless of what side of the debate you stand on.
At a time when a woman’s most complex decisions have been reduced to political rhetoric and impersonal theory, and political debate has been hijacked by pundits and name-callers, Choice joins the discourse with an assortment of candid voices in an effort to humanize the debate about reproductive rights. In addressing a wide range of women’s choices—from using birth control to taking the morning-after pill, from adopting a child to putting a child up for adoption, from having an abortion to bringing a pregnancy to full term—Choice explores the complexities inherent in every reproductive decision.
Including twenty-four honest, heartrending essays from established writers such as Francine Prose, Jacquelyn Mitchard, Pam Houston, Ann Hood, and Sarah Messer and emerging talents such as Kimi Faxon Hemingway, Stephanie Anderson, and Ashley Talley, Choice will allow you to truly understand the meaning of the word “choice”—regardless of what side of the debate you stand on.
349 pages, Hardcover
First published October 1, 2007
16 people are currently reading
2415 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 79 reviews
May 31, 2015
For most of my life, I have been scared of pregnancy. Let me be clear. This was not a remote, passing worry, but a fear that I can only describe as borderline phobic. I was raised by an incredibly strong and loving single mother who engrained in me the idea that education, stability, and personal wellbeing were paramount to everything else. Having children was something to be considered only later in life when all other accomplishments had been achieved and my loving, committed (preferably male) partner and I had decided that we had nothing left to do but start a family. This, combined with a pretty traumatic adolescent relationship that left me feeling utterly disconnected from my body, prompted an obsessive, militaristic monitoring of my birth control.
As I’ve grown, though, and experienced both the chaos and beauty of life, I’ve developed an odd sense of calmness when I think about the possibility of pregnancy. The calmness even persists (shockingly enough) when I think about the possibility of unplanned pregnancy. Part of this stems from normal human development; the fact that my body and mind have become my own again and that, simply by the passing of time, I am infinitely more prepared to have children now than I was 10 years ago.
The other (and more important) component of my calmness stems from the simple fact that I have options available to me. I am privileged in that I live in a society (at least for the time being) that gives me control over decisions made about my body. Thank goodness, hallelujah, I have choices.
If I get sick when I’m pregnant and my health is in jeopardy, I can choose to save myself. If I am not in a committed relationship but feel ready and willing to adopt the stigmatized life of a single parent, I can unapologetically choose to carry and birth my child. And if I feel that it’s not the right time; that my education, my stability, and my own personal wellbeing would be threatened should I accept the enormous responsibility of a child, I can choose to wait. Not lightly or callously, but that is a choice I can make for myself.
This book contains the powerful stories of women who have made choices. They’ve made choices that are joyous and celebratory; they’ve made choices that are devastating, controversial, and fundamentally necessary. Some are haunted, others are relieved. But, however different the stories may be, there is one true cause for celebration that runs through them all: ultimately, the choice is theirs to make.
Human existence is complex and a thousand shades of grey. There is no conceivable way to develop one-size-fits-all legislation about our bodies, despite the best efforts of a particularly vocal group of overzealous policymakers and “pro-life” supporters. Women have the right to decide for themselves how, when, and if they create life. And whether they choose life, the postponement of life, or no life at all, we must vigilantly preserve their right to choose for themselves.
Props to the brave editors and essayists who compiled this beautiful bible of choice.
As I’ve grown, though, and experienced both the chaos and beauty of life, I’ve developed an odd sense of calmness when I think about the possibility of pregnancy. The calmness even persists (shockingly enough) when I think about the possibility of unplanned pregnancy. Part of this stems from normal human development; the fact that my body and mind have become my own again and that, simply by the passing of time, I am infinitely more prepared to have children now than I was 10 years ago.
The other (and more important) component of my calmness stems from the simple fact that I have options available to me. I am privileged in that I live in a society (at least for the time being) that gives me control over decisions made about my body. Thank goodness, hallelujah, I have choices.
If I get sick when I’m pregnant and my health is in jeopardy, I can choose to save myself. If I am not in a committed relationship but feel ready and willing to adopt the stigmatized life of a single parent, I can unapologetically choose to carry and birth my child. And if I feel that it’s not the right time; that my education, my stability, and my own personal wellbeing would be threatened should I accept the enormous responsibility of a child, I can choose to wait. Not lightly or callously, but that is a choice I can make for myself.
This book contains the powerful stories of women who have made choices. They’ve made choices that are joyous and celebratory; they’ve made choices that are devastating, controversial, and fundamentally necessary. Some are haunted, others are relieved. But, however different the stories may be, there is one true cause for celebration that runs through them all: ultimately, the choice is theirs to make.
Human existence is complex and a thousand shades of grey. There is no conceivable way to develop one-size-fits-all legislation about our bodies, despite the best efforts of a particularly vocal group of overzealous policymakers and “pro-life” supporters. Women have the right to decide for themselves how, when, and if they create life. And whether they choose life, the postponement of life, or no life at all, we must vigilantly preserve their right to choose for themselves.
Props to the brave editors and essayists who compiled this beautiful bible of choice.
September 16, 2007
In A Normal Woman, Kate Malloy shares her excruciating decision to terminate her 18-week pregnancy after tests reveal a fetus with a rare chromosomal abnormality. "It was not an arrogant but an agonizing choice," she writes, "not the right thing to do, but the less wrong." This truism is applied to many of the decisions unveiled in the book Choice, as several of the contributor's solutions are about picking the lesser two evils—giving a child up for adoption/parents refusing to acknowledge it's existence; opting for an abortion vs. carrying a child one isn't emotionally, financially, or socially prepared for. These options, no matter one's political leanings, are neither right nor wrong, instead representing a profoundly murky ethical ground. It's in this vague moral purgatory that the book wrestles and questions. With each of the essays the reader is called upon to slip into a different woman's skin. Each dilemma becomes the reader's, and as each essential crisis reaches a climax one is appealed to search both heart and psyche, to ask the soul for an answer. Despite the highly politicized nature of the subject matter, Choice allows us to share in the experience of women faced with the enormity of the ultimate personal decision: when, why and how to reproduce.
March 27, 2008
Been thinking - this is SUCH a good collection of personal essays, just super.
BUT, the last essay, an analysis of the reasoning of Roe v. Wade, bugged me a little, and is bugging me more and more as I consider it. I feel that I have a duty, as a pro-choice lawyer-type, to say that Roe v. Wade may have been quite beautifully written, but there are some major logical problems with the case. Thus, it should not be held up as an example of amazing legal logic, and this essay describes it in far too romantic a light. Frankly, when I finally read it in law school, I was very disappointed to find out how frail the legal basis of "choice" is in the U.S.
For fellow legal buffs out there, here's my opinion (sure to invite some comment!): Roe v. Wade should have been decided on equal protection grounds. Without a modicum of reproductive choice, women are not equal to men in the workplace or anywhere else. You can argue about what a "modicum" is, but it's hard to argue with the fact that societies without birth control are societies where women stay at home and have few other options.
More importantly, the constitutional right to equal protection is fairly robust (at least it's SORT OF mentioned in the actual constitution), whereas the right to substantive due process is unenumerated, amorphous, and thus, inherently weak.
So: Watch out women, a clever Supreme Court will have few logical problems in overturning the reasoning of Roe v. Wade. Be very afraid.
And don't take that last essay too seriously. In fact, just skip it. It's not that interesting anyway. The book would have been better off without that foray out of the more personal into the legal, anyway.
______________________________________________
Yep, it's just as good as I thought. Gripping, painful, true, and in the end, oddly uplifting. Just don't read this one on an empty stomach.
_______________________________________
I know, I am "currently reading" about ten books. It's a bit much. But anyway, I picked this up, and so far it's just devastating. Difficult, uncomfortable, relevant, poignant, TRUE, and downright painful at times. Seriously squirmy but well worth the discomfort.
BUT, the last essay, an analysis of the reasoning of Roe v. Wade, bugged me a little, and is bugging me more and more as I consider it. I feel that I have a duty, as a pro-choice lawyer-type, to say that Roe v. Wade may have been quite beautifully written, but there are some major logical problems with the case. Thus, it should not be held up as an example of amazing legal logic, and this essay describes it in far too romantic a light. Frankly, when I finally read it in law school, I was very disappointed to find out how frail the legal basis of "choice" is in the U.S.
For fellow legal buffs out there, here's my opinion (sure to invite some comment!): Roe v. Wade should have been decided on equal protection grounds. Without a modicum of reproductive choice, women are not equal to men in the workplace or anywhere else. You can argue about what a "modicum" is, but it's hard to argue with the fact that societies without birth control are societies where women stay at home and have few other options.
More importantly, the constitutional right to equal protection is fairly robust (at least it's SORT OF mentioned in the actual constitution), whereas the right to substantive due process is unenumerated, amorphous, and thus, inherently weak.
So: Watch out women, a clever Supreme Court will have few logical problems in overturning the reasoning of Roe v. Wade. Be very afraid.
And don't take that last essay too seriously. In fact, just skip it. It's not that interesting anyway. The book would have been better off without that foray out of the more personal into the legal, anyway.
______________________________________________
Yep, it's just as good as I thought. Gripping, painful, true, and in the end, oddly uplifting. Just don't read this one on an empty stomach.
_______________________________________
I know, I am "currently reading" about ten books. It's a bit much. But anyway, I picked this up, and so far it's just devastating. Difficult, uncomfortable, relevant, poignant, TRUE, and downright painful at times. Seriously squirmy but well worth the discomfort.
July 21, 2019
A thought-provoking collection of heartfelt essays, all beautifully written. I especially loved the first, written by Jacquelyn Mitchard about their experience of surrogacy.
Many of these stories broke my heart, cracking through the shell of my personal prejudices. I had to read the book in small doses, taking time to reflect between stories. It covers a wide range of experiences, including those of women who lost longed-for babies through miscarriage or termination for medical reasons. It goes where angels fear to tread, balancing on "the raw edges of human existence", to quote the title of the final essay.
The writing is soul-searchingly honest. Despite my own beliefs, I ached for every writer, for every woman who was ever forced to made a hard choice, be that to end a planned or unplanned pregnancy, raise a child in challenging circumstances, or give a baby up for adoption. All reproductive decisions are complicated, all have lifelong consequences we have to live with.
The book illustrates not only how difficult life - and death - can be, but also how strong and resilient women are.
Many of these stories broke my heart, cracking through the shell of my personal prejudices. I had to read the book in small doses, taking time to reflect between stories. It covers a wide range of experiences, including those of women who lost longed-for babies through miscarriage or termination for medical reasons. It goes where angels fear to tread, balancing on "the raw edges of human existence", to quote the title of the final essay.
The writing is soul-searchingly honest. Despite my own beliefs, I ached for every writer, for every woman who was ever forced to made a hard choice, be that to end a planned or unplanned pregnancy, raise a child in challenging circumstances, or give a baby up for adoption. All reproductive decisions are complicated, all have lifelong consequences we have to live with.
The book illustrates not only how difficult life - and death - can be, but also how strong and resilient women are.
November 27, 2007
I enjoyed this book. Lots of different women in lots of different places in their lives. Women who wanted a baby since they were small. Women who didn't want a baby at all. Women who wanted a baby but not *now*....women who want one but don't have one. Real women, not theoretical ones, with real stories.
March 27, 2011
I'm pro-life. I'm not anti-abortion or anti-choice as some people like to say. What I'm against is using aborition as a form of birth control. What I'm against is murder because one doesn't want to take responsibility. Do I have the answer for what to do if aborition was made illegal? Surely not. Do you? I wish I did. But I do know, for myself, that the needless murdering of countless babies is insane. My own little survey that I did was a poll. I personally - not through rumors mind you, personally - know of 12 abortions close to me. (Close as in either family or direct friends, no second hand stories.) 12. Twelve babies. Not one of them - not one of those abortions was done because of a rape, because of incest, because of an incompatibility with life on the part of the baby or a healthy risk for the mother. Not one of them. 10 people, 12 abortions. (One could go so far as to call them murders.) The reasons I just stated are the main reasons pro-choicers scream out as to why abortion should be legal. I'd like to see a larger scale poll done on how many actual abortions are for "birth control" versus the reasons above. But then, I already know the approximate answer don't I?
Some people very close to me have had one (or more) and I'm still close to them. I hate the act, I hate what they did, but I don't hate them. This book brought out very strong feelings for me and most, if not all, of those will be shared here.
From here on out this will go according to page, where I noted what I wanted to say, something worth looking at again, etc.
This was published in 2007 and on pg. 1 we find the information that S. Dakota was/is proposing a law to ban all abortions. (Note to self: look into this and possibly think about moving.) The authors call this "draconian". What is the pointless murdering of babies called in their opinion?
I was going to - step-by-step- answer everything I thought needed to be answered from reading this book. But I can't. I don't have the time, I don't have the desire and quite frankly, I don't believe it'd do a damn bit of good.
I will say this, this book is nothing but what every pro-choicer shouts out, just in written form. It's done under a guise here and this is for the ones with little to no brains out there but that's about the extent of it.
It's a book mostly filled with women who say one thing and do another. Women who can't - or won't - take responsibility for their actions. Women who scream about rights yet take not only the rights but the life away from an unborn child. In some cases that's plural. I could go on but I won't.
I'd like to know when these rights start. When exactly do we get those? Obviously not conception, I think we've proved that. Late-term abortions have proved that rights don't begin later in the pregnanct. At birth? 10? 18 or 21? When exactly? What is conception actually? How anyone can look at conception and call it something other than what it is - especially a parent - is mind-boggling to me.
To me, rights start at conception. Life starts at conception. Taking away the life - and the rights - of an unborn child is draconian.
Women today are a vile bunch. We want to have sex whenever we want, our orgasms are our right! So what is a pregnancy ensues? Who cares? Morning after pills, a multitude of other ways to get rid of the baby, etc. A pregnancy isn't a consequence anymore, it's slightly more than a bother.
I don't know about anyone else and I certainly don't mean to imply I'm a saint because I'm certainly not but here's the thing. I'm single. I'm a Mother to a five-year old little girl. I'm not ready to have a baby right now at this point in my life. So guess what? I'm not having sex. That, my friends, is the difference between being responsible and not. I like sex, it's fairly important to me looking at the big picture. But not all-important. Some things matter more to me than an orgasm.
How are we supposed to lower the number of abortions when it's looked at as little more than a regular doctors appointment? Abortion(s) is/are almost - sometimes is/are - a badge of honor in America today with young girls. How is this the country we strive to be?
If I knew one person - just one - who had an abortion for one of the reasons the pro-choicers shout about I may be able to feel slightly different about some aspects of this. But I don't. And I doubt I ever will. Because that number is so small it's almost negligible.
What's not is that abortion is the new birth control. Don't abandon or murder your child once he or she takes a breath but hey, do it before that and you're home free. :(
Some people very close to me have had one (or more) and I'm still close to them. I hate the act, I hate what they did, but I don't hate them. This book brought out very strong feelings for me and most, if not all, of those will be shared here.
From here on out this will go according to page, where I noted what I wanted to say, something worth looking at again, etc.
This was published in 2007 and on pg. 1 we find the information that S. Dakota was/is proposing a law to ban all abortions. (Note to self: look into this and possibly think about moving.) The authors call this "draconian". What is the pointless murdering of babies called in their opinion?
I was going to - step-by-step- answer everything I thought needed to be answered from reading this book. But I can't. I don't have the time, I don't have the desire and quite frankly, I don't believe it'd do a damn bit of good.
I will say this, this book is nothing but what every pro-choicer shouts out, just in written form. It's done under a guise here and this is for the ones with little to no brains out there but that's about the extent of it.
It's a book mostly filled with women who say one thing and do another. Women who can't - or won't - take responsibility for their actions. Women who scream about rights yet take not only the rights but the life away from an unborn child. In some cases that's plural. I could go on but I won't.
I'd like to know when these rights start. When exactly do we get those? Obviously not conception, I think we've proved that. Late-term abortions have proved that rights don't begin later in the pregnanct. At birth? 10? 18 or 21? When exactly? What is conception actually? How anyone can look at conception and call it something other than what it is - especially a parent - is mind-boggling to me.
To me, rights start at conception. Life starts at conception. Taking away the life - and the rights - of an unborn child is draconian.
Women today are a vile bunch. We want to have sex whenever we want, our orgasms are our right! So what is a pregnancy ensues? Who cares? Morning after pills, a multitude of other ways to get rid of the baby, etc. A pregnancy isn't a consequence anymore, it's slightly more than a bother.
I don't know about anyone else and I certainly don't mean to imply I'm a saint because I'm certainly not but here's the thing. I'm single. I'm a Mother to a five-year old little girl. I'm not ready to have a baby right now at this point in my life. So guess what? I'm not having sex. That, my friends, is the difference between being responsible and not. I like sex, it's fairly important to me looking at the big picture. But not all-important. Some things matter more to me than an orgasm.
How are we supposed to lower the number of abortions when it's looked at as little more than a regular doctors appointment? Abortion(s) is/are almost - sometimes is/are - a badge of honor in America today with young girls. How is this the country we strive to be?
If I knew one person - just one - who had an abortion for one of the reasons the pro-choicers shout about I may be able to feel slightly different about some aspects of this. But I don't. And I doubt I ever will. Because that number is so small it's almost negligible.
What's not is that abortion is the new birth control. Don't abandon or murder your child once he or she takes a breath but hey, do it before that and you're home free. :(
March 9, 2010
Suddenly I am reminded of how much I love to read memoir and personal narrative writing! While very emotional, I enjoy it.
Like the title suggests, there is a huge range of stories in this compilation. The first story starts with surrogacy, which even after considering the range of experience this book might cover, I hadn't expected to find- which was naive of me.
The stories that pulled most at me were the ones without choice: the stories of 16 year olds who got pregnant in the 60s and were never told of any option besides handing their children over to a family they would never meet, the stories of pregnancies ending at 5 months in order for the mother to live. The lack of choice there was heartbreaking. The women whose stories full of choice, whether they chose to continue or end their pregnancies, whether the abortion was effective or failed, whether adoption was really the "best" option, were far more empowering in comparison.
I guess that's why I agree with de Gramont's sentiment on page 320, "The truth is, my new reverence for the process of incubating human life had not undermined my pro-choice beliefs. It had solidified them." The amount of change I have experienced in the past 5 year of my life as a woman and as a mother has given me a new allowance and appreciation for the depth of human experience. "How much easier it is to tell people what to do, how to behave, when you refuse to see them as complicated. How hard it is, to see each person's emotional life as individual and precise, to understand that you cannot understand the whole of another person's burdens" (Bender, 332-333).
So yes, I enjoyed this book, despite the tears.
Like the title suggests, there is a huge range of stories in this compilation. The first story starts with surrogacy, which even after considering the range of experience this book might cover, I hadn't expected to find- which was naive of me.
The stories that pulled most at me were the ones without choice: the stories of 16 year olds who got pregnant in the 60s and were never told of any option besides handing their children over to a family they would never meet, the stories of pregnancies ending at 5 months in order for the mother to live. The lack of choice there was heartbreaking. The women whose stories full of choice, whether they chose to continue or end their pregnancies, whether the abortion was effective or failed, whether adoption was really the "best" option, were far more empowering in comparison.
I guess that's why I agree with de Gramont's sentiment on page 320, "The truth is, my new reverence for the process of incubating human life had not undermined my pro-choice beliefs. It had solidified them." The amount of change I have experienced in the past 5 year of my life as a woman and as a mother has given me a new allowance and appreciation for the depth of human experience. "How much easier it is to tell people what to do, how to behave, when you refuse to see them as complicated. How hard it is, to see each person's emotional life as individual and precise, to understand that you cannot understand the whole of another person's burdens" (Bender, 332-333).
So yes, I enjoyed this book, despite the tears.
January 12, 2008
I read this for the newly created Planned Parenthood book club and, honestly, I was expecting a rather generic overview of issues in reproduction, sort of an introductory look. But although a few of the essays read like they could appear in Good Housekeeping magazine, overall I was moved and, in many cases, educated by women's stories of abortion, adoption, infertility, and making choices about if and when to have children.
October 28, 2021
4.5. A collection of deeply personal essays exploring the "raw edges of human existence." I thought, being published in 2007, these might feel outdated. However, many of these could have been written today.
As a woman who has been privileged enough to be able to make my own reproductive choices, it was heartbreaking to discover the personal agony of those who could not. Reading the essays of these women, especially those who chose differently than I would, was incredibly moving and highlighted just how important it is to protect these personal choices, keeping them as what they truly are - personal. And choices.
As a woman who has been privileged enough to be able to make my own reproductive choices, it was heartbreaking to discover the personal agony of those who could not. Reading the essays of these women, especially those who chose differently than I would, was incredibly moving and highlighted just how important it is to protect these personal choices, keeping them as what they truly are - personal. And choices.
January 24, 2013
Finished Choice: True Stories of Birth, Contraception, Infertility, Adoption, Single Parenthood, and Abortion. This is a collection of essays edited by Bender and de Gramont. Like most collections of essays, some are spectacular and some are just okay, hence, the 3 out of 5 rating.
I believe that this book should be read by anyone who cares about reproductive rights and politics, whether they are "pro-choice" or "pro-life". The most important lessons I learned from these essays are these: "choice" is about a lot more than choosing between getting an abortion or carrying a child to term, and reproductive choices are rarely made flippantly or "just for convenience". If nothing else, this book taught me that anyone who thinks that the issue of choice is easy and clearcut is unlikely to have read the stories of real women who have had to make reproductive choices. Abortion is not easy but neither is giving a child up for adoption or keeping it. Fertility treatments are expensive and emotionally exhausting. Being or using a surrogate mother has a social stigma that can ruin lives. And sometimes the choice to adopt is made possible only because some other woman was denied the chance to keep a child she wanted to love.
This is best illustrated with passages from some of the essays that affected me the most.
From "The Ballad of Bobbie Jo" by Jacquelyn Mitchard, discussing the woman who had chosen to be a surrogate mother for the author of the essay,
From "If" by Susan Ito, the story of a mother who was forced to choose between her own life and that of her desperately wanted child,
From "BEARING SORROW: A Birthmother's Reflections on Choice" by Janet Mason Ellerby, Ellerby was a pregnant teenager in the 60s. She was forced to give up her child for adoption, and this scarred her for life. This is just after she found out she was pregnant.
I could go on. But the gist of all the essays is this: Reproduction and building a family is complicated, and the choices involved are not the clearcut, black and white, simple choices that advocates on both sides of the "choice" debate want you to think they are. Although we can debate which choices should be legal, what is certain is this: women need the freedom to make choices and the knowledge and support that will allow them to make the choices that are right for them.
I believe that this book should be read by anyone who cares about reproductive rights and politics, whether they are "pro-choice" or "pro-life". The most important lessons I learned from these essays are these: "choice" is about a lot more than choosing between getting an abortion or carrying a child to term, and reproductive choices are rarely made flippantly or "just for convenience". If nothing else, this book taught me that anyone who thinks that the issue of choice is easy and clearcut is unlikely to have read the stories of real women who have had to make reproductive choices. Abortion is not easy but neither is giving a child up for adoption or keeping it. Fertility treatments are expensive and emotionally exhausting. Being or using a surrogate mother has a social stigma that can ruin lives. And sometimes the choice to adopt is made possible only because some other woman was denied the chance to keep a child she wanted to love.
This is best illustrated with passages from some of the essays that affected me the most.
From "The Ballad of Bobbie Jo" by Jacquelyn Mitchard, discussing the woman who had chosen to be a surrogate mother for the author of the essay,
She carried out son, Atticus — conceived through in vitro fertilization at a clinic in our home state — to a healthy, full-term birth. She endured stinging criticism from friends and strangers, a cesarean birth, and a brutal legal judgment to proudly fulfill all her obligations to us — although fulfilling all her obligations to us cost her everything she thought was real and brought down criticism on all our heads.Bobbie Jo chose to be a surrogate mother. When her husband, who had initially agreed, changed his mind part way through the pregnancy, he convinced the judge in their small southern town that Bobbie Jo was not fit to take care of her own two children.
From "If" by Susan Ito, the story of a mother who was forced to choose between her own life and that of her desperately wanted child,
"Baby needs at least two more weeks for viability. He's already too small, way too small. But you…" He looked at me sadly, shook his head. "You probably can't survive two weeks without having a stroke, seizures, worse." He meant I could die.
…
I signed the papers of consent, my hand moving numbly across the paper, my mind screaming, I do not consent. I do not, I do not.
In the evening, Weiss's associate entered with a tray, a syringe, and a nurse with mournful eyes.
"It's just going to be a be a sting," he said.
And it was: a small tingle, quick pricking bubbles under my navel and then a thing like a tiny drinking straw that went in and out with a barely audible pop. It was so fast. I thought, I love you, I love you, you must be hearing this, please hear me.
From "BEARING SORROW: A Birthmother's Reflections on Choice" by Janet Mason Ellerby, Ellerby was a pregnant teenager in the 60s. She was forced to give up her child for adoption, and this scarred her for life. This is just after she found out she was pregnant.
My body was not my own; perhaps it never had been. When it had escaped my parents control, Alec had immediately taken it up, and when he had abandoned it, a baby had claimed it. It may sound as if I am unwilling to take responsibility for my actions, but in fact, I did not completely understand that my body was my own dominion, that I could say what did and did not happen to it. In significant ways, women were not led to believe that they owned their bodies — the state, their husbands, or their fathers did. I willingly handed my body and my future back to my parents. Their money and authority took over, and I surrendered all bids at self-control I would not be allowed to make another decision for a long, long time.
I could go on. But the gist of all the essays is this: Reproduction and building a family is complicated, and the choices involved are not the clearcut, black and white, simple choices that advocates on both sides of the "choice" debate want you to think they are. Although we can debate which choices should be legal, what is certain is this: women need the freedom to make choices and the knowledge and support that will allow them to make the choices that are right for them.
August 3, 2012
why the hell am i giving this book four stars when i remember almost nothing about it? i don't know. i know that it's a collection of essays about reproductive choice, & unlike a lot of collections on this topic, it's not just abortion abortion abortion all the time. not that there's anything wrong with a nice abortion anthology. i like reading about abortion. but i picked this book up when i was looking for personal essays about infertility, & luckily, there were some. (not a lot though, as far as i can recall.)
i read this book like three & a half months ago, right before i got pregnant myself. i think i was being kind of resistant to absorbing the stories because i was having a lot of feelings about how long it was taking me to conceive. so reading about other people getting pregnant or otherwise having babies (ie, adoption) was pretty painful for me. jared tried to talk me out of reading it, saying i needed to give myself a break on the books about pregnancy, but i swear, even when i was trying to not read about that stuff, i would do it by accident (ie, ann patchett's state of wonder).
maybe someday i'll give this another read, once i'm on the other side of the having-a-baby divide. one thing i will say is that the cover, fonts, size, & paper quality just SCREAM mid-90s college bookstore women's studies shelf. but i think this book was actually published in like 2004, which really surprised me. the layout is so dated that i almost didn't want to read it (just because reproductive technology & the discourse around reproductive justice changes so rapidly, i didn't know how relevant the stories would be to 2012).
i wish i could write something more substantial. i have just read SO MANY collections of personal essays about parenting, pregnancy, birth, adoption, infertility, et al that they are all starting to run together.
i read this book like three & a half months ago, right before i got pregnant myself. i think i was being kind of resistant to absorbing the stories because i was having a lot of feelings about how long it was taking me to conceive. so reading about other people getting pregnant or otherwise having babies (ie, adoption) was pretty painful for me. jared tried to talk me out of reading it, saying i needed to give myself a break on the books about pregnancy, but i swear, even when i was trying to not read about that stuff, i would do it by accident (ie, ann patchett's state of wonder).
maybe someday i'll give this another read, once i'm on the other side of the having-a-baby divide. one thing i will say is that the cover, fonts, size, & paper quality just SCREAM mid-90s college bookstore women's studies shelf. but i think this book was actually published in like 2004, which really surprised me. the layout is so dated that i almost didn't want to read it (just because reproductive technology & the discourse around reproductive justice changes so rapidly, i didn't know how relevant the stories would be to 2012).
i wish i could write something more substantial. i have just read SO MANY collections of personal essays about parenting, pregnancy, birth, adoption, infertility, et al that they are all starting to run together.
March 16, 2014
I discovered this book while checking out another book from the library. I hoped for balance, but it was very one-sided.
It doesn't matter if you're pro-life or pro-choice... the statistics in the book that one in three women will have an abortion, and that 45 million have been performed since Roe vs Wade in 1973... staggering and tragic. Overall, an interesting read.
Addendum 3/15: I remembered a couple of other things. It's physician assistant, not physician's assistant. Come on, editors! Get it right! Also, the PA asked the woman why it was hard that she'd had an abortion, and the woman was appalled that she would ask that. Not an inappropriate question AT ALL--the PA was simply trying to get her to discuss her experience and understand how it was difficult for her so that ultimately she could help.
It doesn't matter if you're pro-life or pro-choice... the statistics in the book that one in three women will have an abortion, and that 45 million have been performed since Roe vs Wade in 1973... staggering and tragic. Overall, an interesting read.
Addendum 3/15: I remembered a couple of other things. It's physician assistant, not physician's assistant. Come on, editors! Get it right! Also, the PA asked the woman why it was hard that she'd had an abortion, and the woman was appalled that she would ask that. Not an inappropriate question AT ALL--the PA was simply trying to get her to discuss her experience and understand how it was difficult for her so that ultimately she could help.
October 25, 2011
Many women explain their various decisions (word choice important) about their reproductive lives in this collection of essays. They are, despite the title, not all about abortion (although I'd wager a guess that the word at least appears in each one), but instead cover a wide range of situations a woman can find herself in (egg donation, miscarriage, international adoption, unwanted pregnancies brought to term, forced adoption, prenatal diagnosis of disease etc). I liked some more than others, but I respected the candor and emotion of each. If everyone read this book, we could all have a much more sane discussion on the topic of reproduction in this county, but alas, THAT'S not going to happen.
September 23, 2008
Some of the stories were very difficult to read due to the graphic & honest nature of the book. Some were completely heart-wrenching and some had my stomach in knots. Having gone through a very difficult year of infertility, I related to most of the infertility stories. And now heading down the adoption road and seeing life from a different perspective, I related to the adoption stories as well. The abortion stories were hard to stomach but I'm the type of person who wants to know what it's like to be in everyone's shoes. It's a slice of life that I want to know about even if it's hard to read.
January 16, 2015
I read this fresh out of a workshop on writing personal essays, which may have caused me to feel a bit let down by the quality of some of them: telling rather than showing, writing not as tight as it should be in a published piece, etc. My desire to print them out and workshop them aside, this is a broad -- and important -- collection of stories, the impact of which is made stronger by the fact that they're presented together in one collection. They are all so personal, so unique, and so human, I would recommend this to anyone who thinks these issues are black and white.
January 28, 2008
Great eye opener for anyone who thinks a woman's reproductive choice is abortion, or not abortion. It is a bit more complex than that. The premise of the book is that the only way to begin to understand the complexity of the gray area between the two extremes of thought is to hear women's stories. I really enjoyed it.
February 18, 2008
A beautiful collection representing the myriad choices (and in some cases the lack of choices) that women have made concerning their reproduction. If this book doesn't convince you that choice is a fundamental and necessary right, I'm not sure there is any hope for you.
March 5, 2020
This was my first read during women's history month, and with the full awareness that we are increasingly edging our way towards a reality in which choice no longer exists.
I absolutely think everyone -- and I do mean everyone -- should read this book. Make it mandatory reading in sex education classes as a minimum.
It's no secret that I am staunchly and firmly pro-choice. And my life has largely been possible because I've been free to make decisions regarding my own desire to reproduce. Had I not had some options open to me, it's very much unlikely that I'd have gone to graduate school or landed in Moscow or met The Cuban. What an astounding reality and one I'm so grateful I don't have to contemplate for long.
I'll never question any choices any other woman makes regarding what she chooses to do with her own body. Those are decisions she must live with as I live with my own decisions. And I will never stop fighting for the young women who follow me so that they will have all of the choices they need available to them.
Abortion should be legal, and safe and rare. And the only way that becomes a reality is if we stop trying to regulate women's bodies. And my favourite bumper sticker is still this:
'How can you trust me with a baby if you can't even trust me with a choice?'
My body, my choice. Full stop.
#womenhistorymonth
I absolutely think everyone -- and I do mean everyone -- should read this book. Make it mandatory reading in sex education classes as a minimum.
It's no secret that I am staunchly and firmly pro-choice. And my life has largely been possible because I've been free to make decisions regarding my own desire to reproduce. Had I not had some options open to me, it's very much unlikely that I'd have gone to graduate school or landed in Moscow or met The Cuban. What an astounding reality and one I'm so grateful I don't have to contemplate for long.
I'll never question any choices any other woman makes regarding what she chooses to do with her own body. Those are decisions she must live with as I live with my own decisions. And I will never stop fighting for the young women who follow me so that they will have all of the choices they need available to them.
Abortion should be legal, and safe and rare. And the only way that becomes a reality is if we stop trying to regulate women's bodies. And my favourite bumper sticker is still this:
'How can you trust me with a baby if you can't even trust me with a choice?'
My body, my choice. Full stop.
#womenhistorymonth
August 6, 2022
I was going through my notes on my phone and had forgotten I saved some quotes from this book. The second one hurt.
“Historically, making abortion illegal hasn’t changed the abortion rates: it has only changed the stories”
“Today is the 34th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, and I am forty-five years old. What that means is that I got my first period the same year that the history of women’s reproductive rights changed (hopefully) forever” -Pam Houston
“Historically, making abortion illegal hasn’t changed the abortion rates: it has only changed the stories”
“Today is the 34th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, and I am forty-five years old. What that means is that I got my first period the same year that the history of women’s reproductive rights changed (hopefully) forever” -Pam Houston
October 13, 2012
This book was amazing. The part that resonated with me the most was actually the introduction though, particularly this: “when a pregnancy is unplanned, any subsequent choice is bound to be complicated”. While the term 'Choice' generally invokes the idea of one's views on abortion, what Bender and the other authors point out is that whatever a woman decides to do, the choice she makes isn't going to be one that she takes lightly. What is important is that she HAS a choice.
This book comes from a US perspective, so it was slightly different contextually from the reality in Canada, but that didn't make the stories within this book any less poignant. These are beautiful stories that cover all sorts of perspectives about what Choice really means: women who are single parents, who gave children up for adoption, who had abortions, who underwent fertility treatments to have a much-wanted child, and women who chose to remain child-free. It was so refreshing to read all of these different perspectives, and to hear about the different paths one can take in life when there is a choice available. As the intro points out: "“if you take away a woman’s reproductive rights, you take away her human rights”.
At times, I found this book a bit repetitive, but that really only happened when I tried to read several essays in a row. When I approached them one at a time, however, it was much better, and gave more meaning and insight to each essay that I felt I was missing out on when I tried to read a lot at a time. Overall, a wonderful book, which reminds us "When a woman has no choice, she has no freedom. The path of her life is not her own." It is essential to remember just how important it is to protect that freedom.
This book comes from a US perspective, so it was slightly different contextually from the reality in Canada, but that didn't make the stories within this book any less poignant. These are beautiful stories that cover all sorts of perspectives about what Choice really means: women who are single parents, who gave children up for adoption, who had abortions, who underwent fertility treatments to have a much-wanted child, and women who chose to remain child-free. It was so refreshing to read all of these different perspectives, and to hear about the different paths one can take in life when there is a choice available. As the intro points out: "“if you take away a woman’s reproductive rights, you take away her human rights”.
At times, I found this book a bit repetitive, but that really only happened when I tried to read several essays in a row. When I approached them one at a time, however, it was much better, and gave more meaning and insight to each essay that I felt I was missing out on when I tried to read a lot at a time. Overall, a wonderful book, which reminds us "When a woman has no choice, she has no freedom. The path of her life is not her own." It is essential to remember just how important it is to protect that freedom.
July 4, 2020
Some of these essays were exceptional, some okay, but all were interesting. Overall, this was a very emotional book. I am pro life. A 1 in 3 statistic for women having an abortion is a very sad and alarming death rate of embryos and fetuses. I typically only read one essay at a time, because the overall tone of the book was sadness. Not a read to recommend for those prone to depression. I am glad that I read this to gain perspective of different ideas and experiences. My favorite essay was Mother’s Day in the year of the Rooster by Ann Hood. Donation by Ashley Talley was a great look at how invested people become in their quest to create life with IVF. I find myself wishing that I knew the outcome of this story. The story that I could most relate to was The Decision by Katie Allison Granju. When I got to the end I was so relieved with the outcome. I have been in her shoes and felt that kind of uncertainty and fear over a child developing in utero while a primary infection of CMV is occurring. The possibilities are terrifying. That is the moment when I realized I am pro life. Prior to this experience, I believed I was pro choice. Regardless of your own beliefs and ethos, reproduction is a very complicated subject.
June 15, 2008
To be perfectly honest (and still sound overly-enthusiastic), I don't know that I've ever read a better collection of essays on *any* topic than Choice. These stories take a topic intently assigned to the intellect and bring it back to the heart, reminding the reader that the personal, while political, is also simply personal. "Reproductive rights" is no euphemism in this book; it covers the gambit (as the subtitle explains) of reproductive issues, and does so with amazingly consistent, compelling narratives. The stories are a reminder of the vast amount of gray in this black/ white issue, a reminder that those of us firmly planted in our position still don't have all the answers, and that the best solution to an incredibly complex problem remains one a woman has the freedom to choose herself. I recommend this book so highly (and so often) I sound nutty and a bit obsessed.
October 7, 2008
A thoughtful collection of personal essays written by women on the topic of personal choice and reproduction. Moving, their stories span decades and explore everything from giving up a child for adoption to infertility to abortion, both legal and illegal.
These are not simple, one-sided didactic essays; the different voices tell of loss, confusion and struggle in honest and heart-felt ways. Each essay is unique as each woman explores her personal relationship to reproduction and fertility - it is like hearing the whispers behind closed doors, the intimate details of others most private moments.
This book is so important to read for men and women on both sides of the Roe v. Wade divide. Searing in their honesty, the women speak not so much about abortion rights as the complications and complexity of reproductive decisions - the hearts behind the choices.
These are not simple, one-sided didactic essays; the different voices tell of loss, confusion and struggle in honest and heart-felt ways. Each essay is unique as each woman explores her personal relationship to reproduction and fertility - it is like hearing the whispers behind closed doors, the intimate details of others most private moments.
This book is so important to read for men and women on both sides of the Roe v. Wade divide. Searing in their honesty, the women speak not so much about abortion rights as the complications and complexity of reproductive decisions - the hearts behind the choices.
July 29, 2013
Heartfelt and astonishingly good essays about the complexities of human reproduction. I would like anyone who feels the need to express an opinion about reproductive rights to first read this book--not because I would control and dictate that opinion, or because I would expect this book to change that person's opinion, but because reproductive rights are so inextricably linked to "the raw edges of human existence," as the majority decision in Roe v. Wade puts it. To understand the complexities of the debate, one must hear and try to understand the stories and situations that come into play--not just abortion, but birth control, adoption, fertility treatments, and parenthood. I can think of no other way to at least attempt to understand those myriad stories than to open the mind and heart and to read, to listen. Choice is a good place to start.
September 20, 2012
While I would have rated this lowly because I personally wasn't impressed with many of the essays- plus, aesthetically, the book could have looked nicer- I think this is a great book for someone beginning their journey on reproductive rights issues. It hits on abortion, parenting, adoption, miscarriage (some of those voluntary, some forced) and a few essays touch upon class, race, etc.
I skipped the last essay because I can't stand when privileged feminists wax poetic about how beautiful the language of Roe V. Wade is.
"Water Children" was the most memorable essay for me, regarding one of the editor's miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy. It reminded me so much of my sister I wish I could copy it and send it to her.
I skipped the last essay because I can't stand when privileged feminists wax poetic about how beautiful the language of Roe V. Wade is.
"Water Children" was the most memorable essay for me, regarding one of the editor's miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy. It reminded me so much of my sister I wish I could copy it and send it to her.
August 6, 2012
Read for book club, for a meeting that was monitored and recorded by a researcher at UCSF that is tracking book clubs' responses to these essays.
The stories delivered exactly what the title promised. They were at turns heartbreaking, touching and tear-inducing, aside from one story that fell into bragadocio about the author's awesome kid and another that was obviously written by someone who is such a hot mess that I couldn't take the writing too seriously.
They left me thankful that women still have a choice about whether or not to have a baby and they underscored how deeply emotional, complex and loaded that choice is.
The stories delivered exactly what the title promised. They were at turns heartbreaking, touching and tear-inducing, aside from one story that fell into bragadocio about the author's awesome kid and another that was obviously written by someone who is such a hot mess that I couldn't take the writing too seriously.
They left me thankful that women still have a choice about whether or not to have a baby and they underscored how deeply emotional, complex and loaded that choice is.
February 5, 2016
This was one of the hardest books I have read this year. In terms of the abortion debate people rarely think with compassion of those with differing views. That's a huge problem in the abortion debate.
These essays deal with a more difficult issue in our society. The choices of parenthood are often thought of to be only joyous. Often though their is a lot of heartbreak around these decisions which people are made to feel ashamed of. It's rare, though maybe it will change, to see this discussed. As a reader opening that conversation was so important.
Thank you so much to the editors and essay writers for sharing their stories.
These essays deal with a more difficult issue in our society. The choices of parenthood are often thought of to be only joyous. Often though their is a lot of heartbreak around these decisions which people are made to feel ashamed of. It's rare, though maybe it will change, to see this discussed. As a reader opening that conversation was so important.
Thank you so much to the editors and essay writers for sharing their stories.
July 25, 2008
Gives you a different perspectives on the issue of choice. Some of the essays can be pretty graphic in nature, so if you have strong oppositions to abortion, don't read this is could be fairly upsetting and disturbing. Got it because I thought it would deal with all of the aspects equally, not really, more to do with abortion. Some of the essays about adoption and infertility were could be helpful if you've been through it.
June 2, 2015
Books of essays are hard to rate -- I kept reading because one essay would be difficult to get through and then the next would be ok/good, so it was one of those where even when I felt like the last essay had been not-so-great I felt like I needed to give the next a try to see . . . and it is easy to force through 10 pages if the next essay has a different author and a new hope. The book was ok, there were places that provoked thought and a few pieces that resonated with my recent experiences.
June 3, 2008
This is an excellent collection of essays, which covers all aspects of choice. There are no black/white arguments about this issue; instead the authors illustrate the fact that there are no clear-cut answers. In the end, the reader realizes that the choice to become a parent is a vital one and not to be taken lightly.
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