So I may be overdosing a bit on nostalgia tonight, but I'm feeling oddly sentimental and wanted to share my thoughts.
I had a really rough day today. Christmastime is a time when we all think back on our lives for the past year. What did 2015 bring us? What is it that we remember as we reflect? Good times, bad times, scary times, happy times. We revel in the memories of friends and family, we sadden as we remember loss. We laugh when we think back to times we did stupid things or embarrassing things, or jokes we've made. I've always loved the holiday season. A chill in the air, lights illuminating downtowns, big gorgeous trees strung up with ornaments and tinsel and bright lights. Windows lit up for passing carolers. Shoppers trying to find that one perfect gift. Binge watching Home Alone, Elf, and A Christmas Story. People being abnormally friendly to one another. It's the spirit of the holiday season I look forward to every year more than the day itself.
This year is a little different. Three people who were present at my holiday table last year are no longer with us. My friend Eric passed last February. My grandmother passed in March, and my uncle passed in May. All three were relatively unexpected. Never in a million years would I have guessed that last Christmas would be the last holiday I would spend with any of them.
But I'm a tough broad. I knew this holiday season would be a little rougher than most but I knew I could handle it. Then a few weeks ago I received the news that my best friend and partner would be spending the holidays away from home. As hard as I try to remain positive, cheery, and hopeful, knowing that I won't be spending my Christmas with the person I love most in this world is the eggnog my demons are toasting with in my honor. Some days are better than others, and today has been the worst of all. I came home trying really hard to be Tiny Tim on the outside, while Scrooge was taking over my heart.
Trying to muster up even a scrap of Christmas spirit, I unpacked the ornaments and began decorating my yet undecorated tree. The last ornament I found was a wooden likeness of Beatrix Potter's Hunca Munca, one of the titular two bad mice from this little tale.
There are few tales in this world that are absolutely perfect to me and this short story is one of them. I can sit here and list every plot point, every character, every perfect illustration and describe them all in intricate detail, but I won't. I love the story, the characters, and the illustrations, but above all I love this story so much because it reminds me of my grandmother. She had first edition copies of all of Potter's stories and read them to us as kids, but the only one I ever wanted her to read was this one. I loved Hunca Munca. I loved her nature, her pretty purple dress, her sweet little white apron. I heard this story tens of millions of times as a child and throughout my lifetime and I never tire of it. It makes me think of my grandmother. How she would read to me in bed while rubbing my arms with her fingertips: "magic tickles" as she called them. This story reminds me of blueberries and powdered sugar for breakfast, making cinnamon twists during the holidays, her letting my brother win at Monopoly all the time (he was the sore loser of the family), and above all it made me think of Christmas which was also my grandmother's birthday. Picking up that ornament to put on the tree flooded by mind with these memories, and ironically, it was the good that outweighed the painful. I thought about Hunca Munca, the little mouse who tried so hard not to be so terribly bad anymore, and it added a much needed light to my evening.
So this Christmas, I will be missing a lot of people. Aching at their lack of presence, wishing things were different, but accepting that they aren't. But crying about it won't bring my loved ones back, won't bring my best friend home, won't make me forget. So to all my friends, during this holiday season, think about the things in your life, however small they may be, that give your spirit warmth. Be kind. Be giving. Observe the beauty around you. Remember the good times. Show the people you love how much you love them. Spread cheer. Bake cookies. Watch Home Alone ten thousand times. Eat lots of chocolate. Drink lots of eggnog. And above all, remember to smile. Smiling is the first step.