Here are some reasons to read this book:
1. You've been to Garmisch-Partenkirchen, Bavaria
2. You've been to Linderhof, Bavaria
3. You're obsessed enough about Ludwig II of Bavaria to read anything that references him
4. You like an action-packed, suspenseful shoot-em-up book and you're fine if the dialogue that comes between gunfights is atrociously bad. I mean junior-high-level, stilted, artificial, no-one-in-real-life-talks-like-this-ever bad.
The first three criteria applied to me. I got this book to read on a trip to Bavaria, specifically to visit the palaces of Ludwig II. Had that not been the case, I never would have made it through. Here's the list of characters:
1. The wish-fulfillment main character is so absurdly hero worshipped that it strains credibility, even for this kind of pulpy genre paperback. I laughed out loud when I read that the hulking heir to a billion-dollar corporation "could have made millions" as an NFL football player, but he was looking for people that could provide a feeling of family for him, so instead he became "one of the best soldiers in the world." I mean, come on. He's always one step ahead of everybody else. He's always completely emotionally controlled. Nothing hurts him. Nothing scares him. He can achieve practically any physical feat. This is not a character. This is a macho-wannabe's jerkoff fantasy.
2. His sidekick is black. He has other characteristics as well. Also a great fighter. Smart-alecky. Can fly a helicopter. But the one he's gonna remind you of on every page, the one he brings up himself over and over and over is that he's black. Yet he never mentions anything related to black culture. He never addresses his blackness except as some sort of self-deprecating joke. He never really mentions anything about his history or real feelings at all. He's there to be a smart-ass and to make the bigger, richer, more powerful white guy even more White in contrast to "my black ass" (his words, not mine).
3. Their fat historian friend also isn't going to challenge Mister Macho in any way. He's there to be the brains when they need historical info (and he rattles off sections of extremely insignificant, esoteric letters from memory whenever needed) and otherwise to be fat. The Real Men are nice to him, and that's supposed to make us like them. Because there's not a whole lot else that separates them from the Bad Guys other than them being nice to a guy who isn't macho.
4. The woman. There's one of them. From the first page she's on until the last page she's on, one of the men are commenting on her sexually. One of the three characters listed above will be friendly with her, and talk about brainy stuff, and be a pushover and tell her whatever she wants to know when she flirts with him, because he's not macho enough to resist her charms- can you guess which one? One of them will lust after her vocally but not end up with her because he's really more in the business of standing on the sidelines and making an ass of himself so his buddy can look even more studly and successful in contrast- can you guess which one? One will warm her up with cocky sexual flirting from page one, get a chance to really put her in her place and make her cry when she realizes how silly her womanly wiles are contrasted with his life-and-death blood matches a bit later, and then go right back to cocky sexual flirting until they have a chance to get drunk and bang- can you guess which one? Also, this is set in Bavaria and she's a blonde named Heidi who wears tight sweaters. I mean, this is the level of creativity I'd expect at Dial-a-Doll.
5. The friend who gets smashed up really bad. We don't want anything that would actually hurt to happen to our heroes, so this guy (who admits he's a criminal and so I guess has it coming?) and his hired guns take all the physical damage that makes the Bad Guys look bad.
6. The Bad Guys. Straight from central casting. Disposable goons and a Big Bad who rides in the back of a limo with a privacy window between him and the front seat.
7. The immigrant. Besides Mister Black, this guy is the only person of color with lines in the book. He shows up in one chapter so he can be reminded over and over again that he's an immigrant and not-white by the Big Bad, and then he's subjected to a stomach-churning mutilation that I'm going to spend years trying to forget I read about. Then he disappears. When you are a white, straight man and you introduce a single kind of minority character in your entire book, how you have that character treated says something about you. Especially if the one scene you brought them in for could have been entirely removed without hurting the rest of the book at all.
8. Bystanders. Mostly French and Japanese tourists brought in for comic value. The French people surrender and are knocked over. Ha ha. The Japanese people agree to help with physical labor and then bow before scurrying away in the face of danger. Ha ha. Is this starting to make you feel gross, too?
9. Finally, Ludwig II plays a major role as the source of the mystery, even though the story takes place over a century after his death. Kuzneski does a lot of acrobatics to let us know that Ludwig was a homo without just coming out and saying it. I'm not sure why. But he establishes it, and then on four different occasions he has people say how Ludwig "pranced" around his various dwellings. Look up some pictures of Ludwig and you'll immediately see this is not a person who prances. Intense, brooding, introspective, he's pretty much the opposite of a prancer. But in Kuzenski's mind, clearly homo=prancey. He also slides in a swipe at how being associated in even the smallest way with Ricky Martin should be considered embarrassing. But then he goes out of his way to let us know that the guy who said that isn't anti-gay. Because, you know, if you have to break the third wall to point out that a character isn't anti-gay...
On the plus side, I did learn a couple things about Ludwig and his land, even with as much study as I'd done on my own before coming to this book. And Kuzneski's personal note at the end is likable, so he's probably a pretty nice guy, just clueless about how awkward and snide he sounds to anyone who isn't a white, straight macho-wannabe. And desperately in need of work in writing dialogue.