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Secret Sex Lives: A Year on the Fringes of American Sexuality
New York Times bestselling author Suzy Spencer posted a simple online request: “Need to talk about sex…”
Suzy Spencer set out to investigate sex in America—to go beyond the talk and find out what people are really doing in their private (or not so private) lives. What she discovered online, at sex clubs, and elsewhere was truly eye-opening.
She started talking to men and women—from across America of all ages and sexual orientations—who make no apology for how they fire their imaginations and satisfy their desires. Soon she found herself invited to be a voyeur—listening in on phone sex, reading e-mails describing sexual encounters in graphic detail, and attending BDSM mixers and workshops. It was all astonishing… and enticing. At every turn she felt herself pulled deeper into people’s secret lives and began questioning her own choices about relationships and sex. Secret Sex Lives is an intimate account of a journalist who is seduced by her subject; a woman who sets out to look behind closed doors but ends up on a personal, revealing journey to find herself…
Suzy Spencer set out to investigate sex in America—to go beyond the talk and find out what people are really doing in their private (or not so private) lives. What she discovered online, at sex clubs, and elsewhere was truly eye-opening.
She started talking to men and women—from across America of all ages and sexual orientations—who make no apology for how they fire their imaginations and satisfy their desires. Soon she found herself invited to be a voyeur—listening in on phone sex, reading e-mails describing sexual encounters in graphic detail, and attending BDSM mixers and workshops. It was all astonishing… and enticing. At every turn she felt herself pulled deeper into people’s secret lives and began questioning her own choices about relationships and sex. Secret Sex Lives is an intimate account of a journalist who is seduced by her subject; a woman who sets out to look behind closed doors but ends up on a personal, revealing journey to find herself…
352 pages, Paperback
First published October 2, 2012
19 people are currently reading
437 people want to read
About the author
Suzy Spencer
10 books43 followersSuzy Spencer is known for her true crime books, including "Breaking Point," the story of Andrea Yates, and "Wasted," a New York Times best-seller. Her newest book is "Secret Sex Lives: A Year on the Fringes of American Sexuality."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
January 2, 2013
A writing professor told me once, “writing is not therapy.” Perhaps, they didn’t teach that to Suzy Spencer at Baylor or perhaps they did and she shucked the adage when she decided to ignore all professional ethics when she wrote Secret Sex Lives, which, by the way, is more about Suzy’s nonexistent sex life than anything else.
From the outset, the book is about Suzy. If you’re not interested in a self-effacing, middle-aged, immature, paranoid white woman who quite possibly maybe asexual, then this book isn’t for you. She email interviews (mostly) people from Craiglist (yep, Criagslist) about their sex lives (because you can trust emails from Criagslist strangers) in a book about sex which her agent said could be more fun that writing about crime. Now, I have never read any of her bestselling crimes books, but my hunch is that Suzy does not write herself in them as a victim and thus, they are infinitely more interesting that this treatise.
She does manage to create a few interesting characters, but I was never sure whether to trust them because of her suspect source selection. Furthermore, I was never sure whether to trust her because she was always lamenting about being a bad journalist and getting too close to or manipulating her subjects. Reading Secret Sex Lives was exhausting and not because of the sex but because I had to read about sex through Suzy’s annoyingly parochial filter. She tries to be nonjudgmental but usually fails which is fitting because I tried to be nonjudgmental about her but also failed. She introduced me again to the importance of trust in BDSM scenarios but other than that, no new info here. I know very little more about sex in American society and too much about Suzy Spencer. If the subtitle had been A Sex Memoir instead of A Year on the Fringes of American Sexuality, I could be more forgiving, but I feel like I was mislead.
From the outset, the book is about Suzy. If you’re not interested in a self-effacing, middle-aged, immature, paranoid white woman who quite possibly maybe asexual, then this book isn’t for you. She email interviews (mostly) people from Craiglist (yep, Criagslist) about their sex lives (because you can trust emails from Criagslist strangers) in a book about sex which her agent said could be more fun that writing about crime. Now, I have never read any of her bestselling crimes books, but my hunch is that Suzy does not write herself in them as a victim and thus, they are infinitely more interesting that this treatise.
She does manage to create a few interesting characters, but I was never sure whether to trust them because of her suspect source selection. Furthermore, I was never sure whether to trust her because she was always lamenting about being a bad journalist and getting too close to or manipulating her subjects. Reading Secret Sex Lives was exhausting and not because of the sex but because I had to read about sex through Suzy’s annoyingly parochial filter. She tries to be nonjudgmental but usually fails which is fitting because I tried to be nonjudgmental about her but also failed. She introduced me again to the importance of trust in BDSM scenarios but other than that, no new info here. I know very little more about sex in American society and too much about Suzy Spencer. If the subtitle had been A Sex Memoir instead of A Year on the Fringes of American Sexuality, I could be more forgiving, but I feel like I was mislead.
October 27, 2012
It can be challenging enough to write about the taboo subject of those who engage in the BDSM and swinger lifestyle, let alone write about it from a perspective of self-discovery and intimate honesty. Suzy Spencer blends and balances the two perfectly. In between the voyeuristic sharing of her interviews, correspondence, and in person interactions with her subjects, Suzy also courageously explores her own sexuality with curious wonder.
What I most respected and loved about this book wasn't what was said, but how she said it. Not once did I feel the writing was contrived, patronizing, condemning, or even glorifying....which I imagine is difficult not to do when writing about taboo sexual practices. Suzy did not always agree with her subjects, nor could she oftentimes relate to their practices...but she always respected them and she turned something that could be construed as stereotypically "dark" and "dirty" into a very humanistic desire: Finding that sexual spark or passion that exists deep within human beings, yearning to be ignited....to be authentically wanted, seen, and known.
What I most respected and loved about this book wasn't what was said, but how she said it. Not once did I feel the writing was contrived, patronizing, condemning, or even glorifying....which I imagine is difficult not to do when writing about taboo sexual practices. Suzy did not always agree with her subjects, nor could she oftentimes relate to their practices...but she always respected them and she turned something that could be construed as stereotypically "dark" and "dirty" into a very humanistic desire: Finding that sexual spark or passion that exists deep within human beings, yearning to be ignited....to be authentically wanted, seen, and known.
December 12, 2012
What an odd book. It's like a series of sweeping diary entries disguised as an investigation of "secret sex lives"... a strange book that doesn't really know what it is or wants to be. I'm not sure the author really resolved anything with this, to herself or to the reader, despite the confessional-style reporting. I dunno... just kind of felt like it was a big, self-indulgent therapy session wrapped up in Christian guilt that only really skimmed the surface of just about everything brought up in the book, subjects and personal feelings alike. Think Helen Fielding, not Mary Roach. I chuckled a few times, but I also put the book down and actually rolled my eyes several times, too. Altogether: Meh. Two stars -- maybe two and a half if it were possible -- for "it was OK". Still, cheers for the effort.
January 4, 2013
This is one of the best books about sex I've ever read, and I've read a lot. What I thought made it stand out is that Spencer is up front, from page one, about her own biases. She's afraid of touch, though she doesn't know why. We later learn she hasn't had sex in ten years. She weaves her personal story in and out of the one she tells about her work as a journalist jumping into an unknown world that takes her to various parts of the United States to explore swingers, casual sex, affairs and more.
Spencer is not trying to write an exhaustive account of everything going on behind America's bedroom doors. Rather, she humanizes sex, letting her subjects tell their stories. Does she have opinions? Of course, and while there were moments when I feared that her opinions would get in the way of her ability to understand the subjects she calls (lovingly) her "sex freaks," I don't think it did. Instead, I feel that it made her open to their stories, many of which we don't hear about very often, or if we do, it's under cover of scare tactics (men on the down low and/or interested/having homosexual experiences but who are otherwise living straight lives especially).
This is not necessarily an easy book to read, though it is lively and fascinating. I found it hard to read and not empathize with Spencer, yet I also wanted to know more about her fears and concerns. This book is billed as journalism and memoir, and for the most part, the two play off each other extremely well. Spencer focuses on quality and depth, rather than breadth of information, as she allows us to get to know her subjects and their hopes and fears. By being so open about her biases, she also invites the reader to be free in their reactions. I don't believe in judging anyone on their sexuality, but I also think it's not realistic to pretend that there aren't things that disturb even the most supposedly open-minded among us. This is a fascinating, highly readable book that doesn't try to titillate readers, but certainly uncovers some mostly hidden aspects of sexuality, while showing that even those with a double life desire an outlet to unburden themselves. It made me wish for more openness in our culture where people didn't have to hold their sexual secrets so close to them and live in fear, and I admire Spencer for exposing her own and for the compassion and empathy she showed toward her subjects.
Spencer is not trying to write an exhaustive account of everything going on behind America's bedroom doors. Rather, she humanizes sex, letting her subjects tell their stories. Does she have opinions? Of course, and while there were moments when I feared that her opinions would get in the way of her ability to understand the subjects she calls (lovingly) her "sex freaks," I don't think it did. Instead, I feel that it made her open to their stories, many of which we don't hear about very often, or if we do, it's under cover of scare tactics (men on the down low and/or interested/having homosexual experiences but who are otherwise living straight lives especially).
This is not necessarily an easy book to read, though it is lively and fascinating. I found it hard to read and not empathize with Spencer, yet I also wanted to know more about her fears and concerns. This book is billed as journalism and memoir, and for the most part, the two play off each other extremely well. Spencer focuses on quality and depth, rather than breadth of information, as she allows us to get to know her subjects and their hopes and fears. By being so open about her biases, she also invites the reader to be free in their reactions. I don't believe in judging anyone on their sexuality, but I also think it's not realistic to pretend that there aren't things that disturb even the most supposedly open-minded among us. This is a fascinating, highly readable book that doesn't try to titillate readers, but certainly uncovers some mostly hidden aspects of sexuality, while showing that even those with a double life desire an outlet to unburden themselves. It made me wish for more openness in our culture where people didn't have to hold their sexual secrets so close to them and live in fear, and I admire Spencer for exposing her own and for the compassion and empathy she showed toward her subjects.
May 2, 2013
Sex on the fringes is often flaunted rather than closeted in Austin, Texas, where I reside, so I didn't find the material here groundbreaking. Much more interesting was the tension between the author and her subject, and her exploration of her own self-described dormant sexuality. I wound up wishing her book had taken up this thread as its primary focus, instead of it being included as, "oh, by-the-way." Perhaps, she will pick up this thread in her next book and pursue it with more clarity and focus.
Alternately, I wish this book had been “Secret Sex Lives: A Year in the Mainstream of American Sexuality." There's lots of potential for an interesting book exploring sexuality among mainstream Americans – they're far more mysterious, less forthright, and more inconspicuous about sexuality in general and their own sexuality in particular than are those on the fringes. And of course, the two are not entirely separate and independent, which becomes evident at times in Spencer's book, but the implications of this go unacknowledged: that the "fringes" are perhaps more interwoven into the mainstream than we readily recognize or care to acknowledge.
Spencer is quite a good writer, and I appreciate her candid, unassuming approach, but I don't believe she delved deeply enough into new territory sexually, psychologically, socially, or personally, and that was disappointing and frustrating given the strength of her writing and voice.
Alternately, I wish this book had been “Secret Sex Lives: A Year in the Mainstream of American Sexuality." There's lots of potential for an interesting book exploring sexuality among mainstream Americans – they're far more mysterious, less forthright, and more inconspicuous about sexuality in general and their own sexuality in particular than are those on the fringes. And of course, the two are not entirely separate and independent, which becomes evident at times in Spencer's book, but the implications of this go unacknowledged: that the "fringes" are perhaps more interwoven into the mainstream than we readily recognize or care to acknowledge.
Spencer is quite a good writer, and I appreciate her candid, unassuming approach, but I don't believe she delved deeply enough into new territory sexually, psychologically, socially, or personally, and that was disappointing and frustrating given the strength of her writing and voice.
January 12, 2013
Revelation and conflict
Seldom will you find a book with so much internal tension and conflict between the author and the subject matter. Suzy Spencer, a best-selling true crime writer, at the urging of her agent, set out to write a “true life” book about sex – more specifically, the furtive world of “under the radar” sex. This realm of internet liaisons, swing clubs, BDSM groups and the rest, conflicts with Suzy’s background. This gentle, private person who had a strict Southern Baptist upbringing in east Texas, who lost her virginity at 27, and who hadn’t had sex for years before starting the book’s research, finds her personal feelings at odds (to say the least) with the subject matter. As the book progresses through the interviews of various “secret sex” participants, she conveys her inner monologue and her emotional conflict in poignant detail. Finally, she agrees to attend a BDSM club meeting in Austin and then she visits swing clubs in New York and Connecticut. More than that would be a spoiler -- but to put it mildly, the ending is astounding. Highly recommended – and yes, it’s a page-turner -- an engaging look into a world most of us “vanillas” know little of. My memories of this excellent writer and her interview subjects will linger for a long time.
Seldom will you find a book with so much internal tension and conflict between the author and the subject matter. Suzy Spencer, a best-selling true crime writer, at the urging of her agent, set out to write a “true life” book about sex – more specifically, the furtive world of “under the radar” sex. This realm of internet liaisons, swing clubs, BDSM groups and the rest, conflicts with Suzy’s background. This gentle, private person who had a strict Southern Baptist upbringing in east Texas, who lost her virginity at 27, and who hadn’t had sex for years before starting the book’s research, finds her personal feelings at odds (to say the least) with the subject matter. As the book progresses through the interviews of various “secret sex” participants, she conveys her inner monologue and her emotional conflict in poignant detail. Finally, she agrees to attend a BDSM club meeting in Austin and then she visits swing clubs in New York and Connecticut. More than that would be a spoiler -- but to put it mildly, the ending is astounding. Highly recommended – and yes, it’s a page-turner -- an engaging look into a world most of us “vanillas” know little of. My memories of this excellent writer and her interview subjects will linger for a long time.
August 28, 2013
You spend an entire book calling these people freaks and judging them. You decide to participate, insinuate rape, and then conveniently can't remember if you participated willingly or the details of the event. B.S. and hypocrisy all rolled into a nice neat package.
February 17, 2013
If i could use one word to describe this book it would be - Sad. Sad for all the lonely people out there. Sad because they think sex will make it less lonely, not realizing until much later that sex is the RESULT of not being lonely; it's not the means to the end. Sad for all the mistreatment so many people have had by those who should have protected them. Sad that Suzy is just now going through these growing up feelings, and I thought i was a late bloomer in my thirties!
This book was not what I expected. I expected it to be more of a Kinsey scientific research. Nonetheless, I did learn some things.
One thing I think Suzy, and the MANY wives/women are missing is that HORMONES change SO MUCH about the sex drive and even the physical pain such as Suzy experienced. The good news is that there are now bio-identical hormones, see Suzanne Somers books or BH2 clinics, which can turn that around within a few months. Helps so much to then be free to start dealing with the emotional side of sex.
The one complaint I have is that it was difficult to tell when Suzy was talking about herself. A different type set would have been helpful since she switched back and forth even within paragraphs.
Oh, and the other thing is she said her editor/book company suggested she write it. It sort of sounded like "oh sex sells anything." So if you don't have a good idea for a book, just throw out sex. It's a sure thing.
This book was not what I expected. I expected it to be more of a Kinsey scientific research. Nonetheless, I did learn some things.
One thing I think Suzy, and the MANY wives/women are missing is that HORMONES change SO MUCH about the sex drive and even the physical pain such as Suzy experienced. The good news is that there are now bio-identical hormones, see Suzanne Somers books or BH2 clinics, which can turn that around within a few months. Helps so much to then be free to start dealing with the emotional side of sex.
The one complaint I have is that it was difficult to tell when Suzy was talking about herself. A different type set would have been helpful since she switched back and forth even within paragraphs.
Oh, and the other thing is she said her editor/book company suggested she write it. It sort of sounded like "oh sex sells anything." So if you don't have a good idea for a book, just throw out sex. It's a sure thing.
November 20, 2013
It's by no means an academic study on American sexual lives (meaning this isn't exhaustive across all spectrums and pretty much all of her sources come from Craigslist meaning the stories they tell may just need to be taken at face value) but for what it is the book can be somewhat intriguing.
The people that Suzy researches are into various involvements such as BDSM, swinging or kink. She places an anon ad on CL and the subjects she writes about in her books respond to the message and agree to tell their stories.
Probably the most interesting part of the book for me was the author herself. Suzy doesn't leave her own insecurities and sexual questions out of the narrative so that when you are reading the book you will also get to hear her thoughts on things. What makes this especially interesting is that at the time of the reading Suzy was 50 years old and her longest relationship had been for only 6 months, with just a few brief sexual partners (all of them married men). Her own celibacy stemming from her own Christian upbringing and stunted emotional life makes the contrast of the subjects she interviews especially interesting, though at times her constant interjections of "why doesn't anybody like ME or hit on ME?" got annoying. Still, the humanity in all of this remains more than anything which is that a lot of people are very lonely and in the end no matter how "twisted" things may manifest everybody just wants to be loved.
The people that Suzy researches are into various involvements such as BDSM, swinging or kink. She places an anon ad on CL and the subjects she writes about in her books respond to the message and agree to tell their stories.
Probably the most interesting part of the book for me was the author herself. Suzy doesn't leave her own insecurities and sexual questions out of the narrative so that when you are reading the book you will also get to hear her thoughts on things. What makes this especially interesting is that at the time of the reading Suzy was 50 years old and her longest relationship had been for only 6 months, with just a few brief sexual partners (all of them married men). Her own celibacy stemming from her own Christian upbringing and stunted emotional life makes the contrast of the subjects she interviews especially interesting, though at times her constant interjections of "why doesn't anybody like ME or hit on ME?" got annoying. Still, the humanity in all of this remains more than anything which is that a lot of people are very lonely and in the end no matter how "twisted" things may manifest everybody just wants to be loved.
February 5, 2016
3.5 stars. I'd been expecting a survey of people's sex lives in America. Instead, this book ends up being more about the writer and her own sexuality (or lack thereof) than it is about what's going on across America. So if you're looking for a more scientific book, move along. This isn't it.
That said, Secret Sex Lives is still a fascinating read. I did learn quite a bit about BDSM and swingers during the course of the book, but much of it seemed to be colored by Suzy's views. She struggles to stay impersonal and professional, and fails for good portions of the book. This isn't always a bad thing; I was interested in her story as well. However, there were times when I wanted to shake her. For example, her therapist is highly judgmental and is constantly trying to shame her. That's not what a good therapist is supposed to do, and Suzy (being a journalist who supposedly knows how to research a subject) should know better.
I would be interested in reading a follow-up to this book to see if Suzy ever resolved her issues related to sex and her family, especially her mother. However, I'd also really like to read the book I thought this was going to be: an impartial survey of sexual practices across the USA.
That said, Secret Sex Lives is still a fascinating read. I did learn quite a bit about BDSM and swingers during the course of the book, but much of it seemed to be colored by Suzy's views. She struggles to stay impersonal and professional, and fails for good portions of the book. This isn't always a bad thing; I was interested in her story as well. However, there were times when I wanted to shake her. For example, her therapist is highly judgmental and is constantly trying to shame her. That's not what a good therapist is supposed to do, and Suzy (being a journalist who supposedly knows how to research a subject) should know better.
I would be interested in reading a follow-up to this book to see if Suzy ever resolved her issues related to sex and her family, especially her mother. However, I'd also really like to read the book I thought this was going to be: an impartial survey of sexual practices across the USA.
March 13, 2013
Don't expect charts, graphs, or tables. Don't expect a stack of statistics or a 30 page bibliography of professional citations. If that's what you're looking for, you're probably better off with 'The Kinsey Report'.
However, if you're looking for a glimpse of what outwardly normal Americans are engaging in behind closed doors, then 'Secret Sex Lives' is your book. Reflecting on her own personal sexual experiences, Spencer balances a near-phobia of sex with the exploits and tales of middle Americans who have multiple partners, engage in BDSM, or troll the Internet for sex after their day jobs.
What sets this book apart from all the other material about sex in the Internet age is the extraordinary care and tenderness Spencer shows for her 'sex freaks', as she refers to them. As opposed to seeing the characters as somehow flawed or existing on the far fringes of society, the case studies used in this book are treated with a true journalist's eye, presented as individuals and not a pile of sexual deviants.
A must-read, truly.
However, if you're looking for a glimpse of what outwardly normal Americans are engaging in behind closed doors, then 'Secret Sex Lives' is your book. Reflecting on her own personal sexual experiences, Spencer balances a near-phobia of sex with the exploits and tales of middle Americans who have multiple partners, engage in BDSM, or troll the Internet for sex after their day jobs.
What sets this book apart from all the other material about sex in the Internet age is the extraordinary care and tenderness Spencer shows for her 'sex freaks', as she refers to them. As opposed to seeing the characters as somehow flawed or existing on the far fringes of society, the case studies used in this book are treated with a true journalist's eye, presented as individuals and not a pile of sexual deviants.
A must-read, truly.
December 3, 2012
Not exactly what I expected, but a great book! I was fascinated by the participants' sex lives and their motivations, although there weren't a ton of psychological insights included, or tie-ins to research or studied. I would say that this book is partly a collection of sexual anecdotes and partly a memoir. The author starts out by being a removed researcher, but with the nature of her research and with her methods, it becomes impossible for her to hold herself separately. The result is a deep look into herself, her feelings about sex, her problems with intimacy, and her anxieties in general. This ends up being a very personal book, both for the people included in the author's research and for the author herself. If you are interested in sex, relationships, or memoirs, you'll most likely find this interesting. I can see that many readers may also delve into some introspection as a result.
November 12, 2012
Secret Sex Lives: A Year on the Fringes of American Sexuality challenges beliefs. Suzy's words, observations, and revelations makes one question the very essence of their soul while at the same time reminding us to be gentle with one another as we are all fragile beings. Change is supposed to be uncomfortable, right? Suzy's book changes perceptions and prompts conversations. This is never a bad thing. Buying the book will lead you to fall in love (or disgust) with the real-life characters contained inside, but it will also leave you wishing for more. I highly recommend the book and that if you ever get a chance to hear Suzy read from her book live, don't miss it!
Want to read
January 11, 2013My copy just came in the mail today (1/10/13) and it's next on my to-read list.
June 18, 2021
From the first moment I met Suzy Spencer, I felt as though I'd been reconnected with an old friend. So that right there, was worth the price of admission. Then, I read Secret Sex Lives; this is, after I had her on my podcast, Naked Monday. WOW.
First and foremost, Suzy knows how to research. Secondly, she's a masterful storyteller. Third, you can tell she's a journalist, through and through. In fact, as her website says (SuzySpencer.com), she writes "Journalism with an edge."
True that, girl. And she's not afraid to talk about that "edge." And in great detail. And she doesn't shy away from "sex talk." Hell, she made this outgoing dude blush a time or two.
Back to the book, there's "Swinging...", "Sexploitation...", and all sorts of salacious & sultry sexy chat that'll have you picking it up and blowing through chunks of it at a time.
My favorite thing about Suzy? She speaks frankly, doesn't embellish--except to provide her innermost thoughts, which I found most intriguing. Like I said, she's a solid journalist, with an eye toward fiction. And to me, that's the perfect combination.
Bottom Line: If you're even a tiny bit of a voyeur, you'll love this book. But don't "brown bag it," leave it out there for all your coffee shop neighbors to see. You're certain to get your fair share of raised eyebrows.
My apologies for taking so long to read this, Suzy, but I've been able to carve out a large chunk of downtime, and wanted to catch up on my reviews, and share my thoughts on your brilliant read. PS: I can't wait to read what you come up with next.
Bravo!
First and foremost, Suzy knows how to research. Secondly, she's a masterful storyteller. Third, you can tell she's a journalist, through and through. In fact, as her website says (SuzySpencer.com), she writes "Journalism with an edge."
True that, girl. And she's not afraid to talk about that "edge." And in great detail. And she doesn't shy away from "sex talk." Hell, she made this outgoing dude blush a time or two.
Back to the book, there's "Swinging...", "Sexploitation...", and all sorts of salacious & sultry sexy chat that'll have you picking it up and blowing through chunks of it at a time.
My favorite thing about Suzy? She speaks frankly, doesn't embellish--except to provide her innermost thoughts, which I found most intriguing. Like I said, she's a solid journalist, with an eye toward fiction. And to me, that's the perfect combination.
Bottom Line: If you're even a tiny bit of a voyeur, you'll love this book. But don't "brown bag it," leave it out there for all your coffee shop neighbors to see. You're certain to get your fair share of raised eyebrows.
My apologies for taking so long to read this, Suzy, but I've been able to carve out a large chunk of downtime, and wanted to catch up on my reviews, and share my thoughts on your brilliant read. PS: I can't wait to read what you come up with next.
Bravo!
February 5, 2015
Read the full review at Ermilia blog: https://ermiliablog.wordpress.com/201...
I thought this book was going to be a collection of scientific case studies. Instead, it was a memoir with Craigslist interviews thrown into the mix. Coming from a science background, I felt myself cringing at HOW subjective this was. When I finished the book, it took me a while to process what I read and what I gained from it. Even though it was very subjective, I feel like it was still a decent read. But I was disappointed at the lack of objectivity.
I think the strongest aspect of the book were the interviews she did. We met many interesting, confronting, and good-natured people. I feel like there were two main ‘kinks’ that she explored through the people who messaged her. Swingers and BDSM-ers. I found it interesting to learn more about these worlds and how they exist (in the context of America). I liked how some of the characters in the book received quite a lot of attention, showing how complex each and everyone of us is. Society often likes to shun ‘sex deviants’ and make them out to be one-dimensional, to define them by their kink, but I liked that this book showed them as normal people with normal lives. Although, in saying that, I disliked how often Suzy referred to her interviewees as ‘sex freaks’. I think she used it endearingly at times but… it’s still not cool. (Continue reading at Ermilia blog)
I thought this book was going to be a collection of scientific case studies. Instead, it was a memoir with Craigslist interviews thrown into the mix. Coming from a science background, I felt myself cringing at HOW subjective this was. When I finished the book, it took me a while to process what I read and what I gained from it. Even though it was very subjective, I feel like it was still a decent read. But I was disappointed at the lack of objectivity.
I think the strongest aspect of the book were the interviews she did. We met many interesting, confronting, and good-natured people. I feel like there were two main ‘kinks’ that she explored through the people who messaged her. Swingers and BDSM-ers. I found it interesting to learn more about these worlds and how they exist (in the context of America). I liked how some of the characters in the book received quite a lot of attention, showing how complex each and everyone of us is. Society often likes to shun ‘sex deviants’ and make them out to be one-dimensional, to define them by their kink, but I liked that this book showed them as normal people with normal lives. Although, in saying that, I disliked how often Suzy referred to her interviewees as ‘sex freaks’. I think she used it endearingly at times but… it’s still not cool. (Continue reading at Ermilia blog)
April 27, 2016
This is not your typical sex book.
Secret Sex Lives is not a how-to or an academic examination of adult sexual behavior. It’s because it’s unlike any other book that I’ve read about sex that I recommend Secret Sex Lives by Suzy Spencer.
What started out as a journalistic survey of online hookups turned into a journal of the author’s curiosities and conflicts regarding the sexual practices of those seeking like-minded sex partners. Consequently there’s a lot of push-pull throughout the book - reportage versus memoir, spiritual examination versus pleasures of the flesh, caution versus exploration, restraint versus freedom, the steady professional public persona of the author versus her deep insecurities about relationships and physical expression of passion.
As the book progresses we, like the author, are drawn into the kinks and proclivities of those who responded to the author’s online inquiry about their deepest desires. We follow the author as she dives deeper into her research, stretches boundaries, and eventually makes a daring and intimate decision.
Secret Sex Lives is not a how-to or an academic examination of adult sexual behavior. It’s because it’s unlike any other book that I’ve read about sex that I recommend Secret Sex Lives by Suzy Spencer.
What started out as a journalistic survey of online hookups turned into a journal of the author’s curiosities and conflicts regarding the sexual practices of those seeking like-minded sex partners. Consequently there’s a lot of push-pull throughout the book - reportage versus memoir, spiritual examination versus pleasures of the flesh, caution versus exploration, restraint versus freedom, the steady professional public persona of the author versus her deep insecurities about relationships and physical expression of passion.
As the book progresses we, like the author, are drawn into the kinks and proclivities of those who responded to the author’s online inquiry about their deepest desires. We follow the author as she dives deeper into her research, stretches boundaries, and eventually makes a daring and intimate decision.
November 27, 2012
I don't know...
Two degrees in the social sciences have me looking at all the sampling errors in it and questioning the data. It's certainly interesting as far as the vignettes on the individuals who did respond and were referenced - a series of n=1 case studies. I guess I was expecting too much when I thought that it was going to be a more rigorous sociological or psychological study with extensive excerpts from interviews / email exchanges.
A few segments were hard to follow, as the author was interjecting her thoughts in between segments of replies from sources - and there was not always a clear differentiation as to which line belonged to which point of view.
It was interesting, if not statistically representative / generalizable. I guess that's all I really came away from it with...
Two degrees in the social sciences have me looking at all the sampling errors in it and questioning the data. It's certainly interesting as far as the vignettes on the individuals who did respond and were referenced - a series of n=1 case studies. I guess I was expecting too much when I thought that it was going to be a more rigorous sociological or psychological study with extensive excerpts from interviews / email exchanges.
A few segments were hard to follow, as the author was interjecting her thoughts in between segments of replies from sources - and there was not always a clear differentiation as to which line belonged to which point of view.
It was interesting, if not statistically representative / generalizable. I guess that's all I really came away from it with...
April 7, 2013
I normally don't read anything but true crime. However, out of the respect I have for Suzy Spencer as a writer, I decided I would pick this one up and give it a go! I can't imagine the courage it took Suzy to write this book - the courage to meet, befriend and hang out with all these strangers from different walks of life....not to mention the fact that she bares her own soul. Not only is it extremely poignant and well-written, this book will take you on a journey of discovery of your own. Follow Suzy as she interviews, watches and resists temptation while discovering her own hang-ups about sex, making love and all things in between. Trust me, you do not want to miss this one. Here's to hoping there will be a sequel. Oh...and by the way....the ending will shock you!
July 6, 2013
Ah sex...like a lot of people I am curious about what others are doing and even why they do it. While I had no real expectations this book would give me any new information, I read it to see what the author would learn. Surprisingly, certain parts of this memoir did actually inform me about things I hadn't really thought about. Most notably statistics from the CDC on STDs contracted from oral sex. Unfortunately, I know I'm not alone in my ignorance. Scary thought, I know.
Mostly though, by the end of the book I just felt really sorry for the journalist who could never seem to let go enough to actually enjoy herself and instead felt in turns ill, guilty or just plain depressed.
Mostly though, by the end of the book I just felt really sorry for the journalist who could never seem to let go enough to actually enjoy herself and instead felt in turns ill, guilty or just plain depressed.
August 30, 2013
This book presents a fascinating insight into the lives of Americans behind closed (or not so closed) doors. It is neither an academic study nor a work of fiction, and therefore manages to combine the pace of fiction with an in depth look at the sex lives of a select group of Americans. Spencer writes the book with compassion, and on the way she moves from distancing herself from the people she refers to as her "sex freaks" to empathising with them and developing a unique understanding of their lifestyle choices.
October 4, 2013
I found the premise of the book intriguing - a woman who is mostly asexual researching secret passions and kinky sex. The problem is it got pretty repetitive after a while and there wasn't enough insight into the people and the psychology of their actions. In fact, it was all kind of superficial. I wanted to know more. The author especially seemed to hold back when discussing her own personal life, which I felt was an aspect of the book that could have been further explored and would have made this book a better and more satisfying read.
February 27, 2013
I really enjoyed this. The author introduces us to and lovingly talks about her "sex freaks" and all of their kinks and fetishes, but does it all in good taste. She spoke to my writing classes a couple of weeks ago, and did a great job. Considering that all of her books have been about horrific crimes and "fringe" sexuality, her talk was clean and professional, just as she promised. She's great, and so is this book.
December 31, 2015
Strong start, but sputters and then limps across the finish. I was fascinated by the way Spencer inserted herself into her research, but it became cumbersome and whiny after a while. The thing I did take away from this memoir is that it is only about physical sex on the surface; in reality it is about loneliness.
August 23, 2014
A fascinating read into a world of sexual derivations from the norm.
Final Recommendations: If you enjoy in-depth interviews with swingers, BDSM, and serial causal encounter Craigslist users, this book is a excellent read. Although it's a little on the dry and sometimes spends way too much time with the author's original sexual hang ups.
Final Recommendations: If you enjoy in-depth interviews with swingers, BDSM, and serial causal encounter Craigslist users, this book is a excellent read. Although it's a little on the dry and sometimes spends way too much time with the author's original sexual hang ups.
November 30, 2012
If you expect the 50 year old, celibate and almost asexual author to have some sort of sexual epiphany by the end, you'd be wrong. A very strange book.
May 22, 2013
Didn't get to finish it but so far I really enjoyed reading it :)
July 23, 2013
I hated this book so much. It was our book club book for February, but I could barely get through it. Nothing good to say about it, sadly.
December 10, 2013
Very informative and an eye opener. Like the conflict between her own sexuality and her sources. Enjoyed it a lot.
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July 1, 2016A great book by a wonderful writer.
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