Shame: The Power of Caring

by Gershen Kaufman

All of us embrace a common humanity in which we search for meaning in living, for essential belonging with others, and for valuing of who we are as unique individuals. We need to feel that we are worthwhile in some special way, as well as whole inside. We yearn to feel that our lives are useful, that what we do and who we are, do matter. Yet times come upon us when doubt creeps inside, as if an inner voice whispers despair.

Above all else, shame reveals the self inside the person, thereby exposing it to view. To feel shame is to feel seen in a painfully diminished sense.

When I first wrote SHAME, I had no idea whether others would find it of value. I had no conception of the impact it would have. All along, my aim has been to further knowledge of the psychology of shame and its healing, and eventually to create a language of the self by synthesizing interpersonal theory, object-relations theory, and affect theory.

The struggle for identity is one of the recurring problems of our age. Each individual inevitably searches for answers to the questions: "Who am I?" "Where do I belong?" Inner security depends on feeling whole, worthwhile, and valued from within. Identity is rooted both in wholeness of self and in essential belonging or identification with others.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Parenting

263 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 1983

About the author

Gershen Kaufman was educated at Columbia University and received his PhD. in clinical psychology from the University of Rochester. Professor in the Counseling Center and Psychology Department at Michigan State University, he is the author of Shame: The Power of Caring (Rochester, Vermont: Schenkman Books, 1992) and The Psychology of Shame: Theory and Treatment of Shame-Based Syndromes (New York: Springer Publishing Co., 1996). He is the co-author, with Lev Raphael, of Dynamics of Power: Fighting Shame and Building Self-Esteem (Rochester, Vermont: Schenkman Books, 1991) and Coming Out of Shame (New York: Doubleday, 1996).

Reviews

[L.K. Simonds · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shame: The Power of Caring, a thin volume on shame as experienced by children and carried into adulthood like a parasite, was published in 1980. I came across it in 2018 while browsing the internet for information about shame as research for a novel-in-progress. I bought a used paperback copy. The book arrived a few days later, and I began reading with my characters in mind. Suddenly, unexpectedly, the insights expressed in the book dredged up emotionally-charged memories from my own childhood.

Suffice it to say Dr. Kaufman’s 38 year-old book put language to feelings and memories that had been shadowy and murky before. The clarity that followed gave me distance and objectivity, despite some initial emotional pain.

From the book: “Language provides us with tools of mastery when confronting the inner life.” I couldn’t agree more. Thank you, Dr. Kaufman, for a very productive session.

I recommend this book to every parent, every writer, every counselor and minister, and everyone who’s childhood wasn’t perfect.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is really written for mental health professionals. And as such, it is my favorite on the topic of toxic shame..where and how it starts and how we perpetuate it as adults in our own lives. And along the way, one learns very clearly what NOT to say and do as we raise our own children to avoid passing toxic shame on to the next generation.

[Stephen Rowland · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some interesting ideas here, but this book is out-of-date (decades old) and mostly written for a readership of therapists (or "psychoanalysts").

[David Roy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kaufman's book was my introduction to the topic of shame and I am forever indebted. He mastered the work of Sylvan Tomkins, not an easy task. It remains a valuable resource for psychotherapists as well as the general public. Unfortunately, still to this day, even in the field of psychotherapy, shame is not close to being universally recognized for the power it has in countless small ways as well as in catastrophic ways to influence our decisions and our actions. This is especially true when we act (or avoid acting) to avoid shame.

[Ali · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a big fan of Gershen's work on shame, This book lays the foundation of the causes of toxic shame, shame spiral, and internalized shame. I read the psychology of shame before this one, and I found it more elaborate, more psychoanalytic toward constructing the shame profile. I recommend reading the psychology of shame instead of this one if you are interested in learning about the toxic shame.

[Glenn Berger · Rating 5 out of 5]

This classic on a fundamental aspect of all emotional suffering is a must read for anyone on the journey of finding their lost heart. Kaufman's writing is both profound and easy to grasp. He illuminates brightly what has for far too long lived in the shadows.

[Steve · Rating 2 out of 5]

Written in 1980, it nevertheless has the feel of a book much older. It's super wordy and would be twice as good if half as long. The writer's age comes through in his writing style. I laboured through it for a few chapters but the insights were so sparse and the writing so heavy to push through that I eventually gave up.

I also noted how dated the handling of gender was. "When the child decides that he or she wishes to purse his or her independent goals..." We'd use singular they/their for that now and this style, which was common in the 80s, may feel clunky to a modern reader. It's heteroassumptive; the boys want to attract the attention of a girl, and vice versa. And there are old-fashioned assumptions around the default roles of fathers and mothers. All the examples of angry shaming parents were of fathers. The author kept returning to examples of a shaming father but wounding shame can be visited on children from any member of a family in addition to teachers, pastors, coaches and others outside the family.

There is a new short section in later editions on gay identity and shame issues related to that but it is VERY dated. On that topic, there are some excellent books that deal with just that issue, including The Velvet Rage and Straight Jacket.

It's rare I throw a book in the bin but this was one.

[Angele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading his book (the 1983 version)--bought at a used book sale in the mid-aughts--was a profound experience for me.

Despite psychological jargon and some unexplored areas of discussion, Kaufman clearly outlines the crucial difference between guilt (which relates to one's actions, done and undone) and shame (which relates to negative and destructive feelings about oneself). He also discusses how both cultures and families act to reinforce shame.

Kaufman stresses how critical a time adolescence is to individual development--intellectually, socially, and sexually. This is a prelude to an important discussion about the ways in which adolescent self-esteem can be warped or destroyed by negative experiences and reinforcement within the family, school, and community, with painful consequences in adulthood.

In short, in Shame, Kaufman articulates ideas I had glimpsed but never fully explored (even in therapy), and provided me with an important tool in coming to terms with my own difficult, shame-filled upbringing.

[Kathleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Shame is therefore frequently tied to failings of the ideal self” (xi).

“The event which generates shame, whether innate or learned, becomes inexorably linked with any or all responses that follow shame” (xi).

“Only by embracing a new vision of self are we able to create a coherent and integrated identity, one that is fundamentally self-affirming” (xvi).

“Shame is a wound made from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another” (xx).

“The final injunction is to be popular and conform. In a culture which esteems popularity and conformity, individuality is neither recognized nor valued. Being different from others become shameful. To avoid shame, one must avoid being different, or seen as different. The awareness of difference translates into feeling lesser, deficient” (32).

[Lilly Pittman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book describes in detail the ways that shame can be experienced and internalized during childhood, and affect a sense of identity in adulthood. It is a good resource, even though it uses binary expressions of gender and assumes heteronormativity.

[Graeme MacDiarmid · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. Difficult language, but very focused and helpful to connect the dots of experience and sometimes, the unidentifiable voice of shame.

[Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Super wordy. Though there are pages of references in the back I had a hard time telling the difference between factual findings from research and his own opinions. I do greatly respect his thoughts and all the work he has done, but this book was tough to get through. Good information about shame binds, which was a very interesting concept to me. Interesting application to war in the final chapter.

[Joan · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the best books that I have read on the subject of shame.