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How to Unspoil Your Child Fast: A Speedy, Complete Guide to Contented Children and Happy Parents
You don't have to say yes to prove that you love them.
248 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 1, 2007
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357 people want to read
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September 8, 2016
This is a short, concise book on an approach to child rearing. Richard Bromfield has written a common-sense guide to making sure that your child does not feel like he/she is the center of the universe. If you have a "spoiled" child, you probably want to solve the problem fast, and Bromfield has patterned the book for fast results. He does not want you, the pattern to take small steps and gradually build up--he wants you to grab your child's attention. Don't announce your intentions; actions speak louder than words. After all, you've given your child warnings twelve times each day, seven days a week for years, so your child has already had plenty of warnings. It's time to take action through "Shock and Awe".
This means, you should do something different, totally uncharacteristic. For example, reward bad behavior by returning a toy to the toy store. Reward bad behavior in a restaurant by leaving before eating. Dawdling in the morning could be rewarded by keeping your child home from school (but only if he/she enjoys school). Deny sweets if your child has not brushed his teeth without reminders. ...You get the picture.
I won't go through all of the advice in the book. But most of it is just common sense. Use natural consequences. Stop explaining yourself. Buy less. Require chores. Don't be afraid to discipline in public. Don't negotiate. Hold your ground.
The chapter "Develop Real Winners" really struck a nerve. Parents tend to over-praise children for minor accomplishments. Here, Bromfield shows a wonderfully sarcastic humor, as he illustrates his point with examples:
"Wow, you did a great job brushing your teeth."
"Wow, you did a great job eating lunch."
"Wow, what a great job you did sleeping."
"Wow, you did a great job picking up those blocks. And Daddy only asked eleven times!"
"Wow, you did a great job inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon diocide. We are so proud of you!"
Bromfield is a faculty member of Harvard Medical School, and has lots of experience as a therapist. He gave this book a fun, humorous, breezy style with clear instructions. I recommend this book for all parents.
This means, you should do something different, totally uncharacteristic. For example, reward bad behavior by returning a toy to the toy store. Reward bad behavior in a restaurant by leaving before eating. Dawdling in the morning could be rewarded by keeping your child home from school (but only if he/she enjoys school). Deny sweets if your child has not brushed his teeth without reminders. ...You get the picture.
I won't go through all of the advice in the book. But most of it is just common sense. Use natural consequences. Stop explaining yourself. Buy less. Require chores. Don't be afraid to discipline in public. Don't negotiate. Hold your ground.
The chapter "Develop Real Winners" really struck a nerve. Parents tend to over-praise children for minor accomplishments. Here, Bromfield shows a wonderfully sarcastic humor, as he illustrates his point with examples:
"Wow, you did a great job brushing your teeth."
"Wow, you did a great job eating lunch."
"Wow, what a great job you did sleeping."
"Wow, you did a great job picking up those blocks. And Daddy only asked eleven times!"
"Wow, you did a great job inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon diocide. We are so proud of you!"
Bromfield is a faculty member of Harvard Medical School, and has lots of experience as a therapist. He gave this book a fun, humorous, breezy style with clear instructions. I recommend this book for all parents.
May 21, 2012
My "notes" or highlights while reading this:
How to Unspoil Your Child Fast: A Speedy, Complete Guide to Contented Children and Happy Parents (Richard Bromfield)
==========
A child learns gratitude by not getting everything she wants. A child learns patience by waiting. A child learns generosity by sharing and giving. A child learns self-control by having to control herself. And above all, she learns contentment by not being trained to always need more and faster.
==========
it will be your actions—not your words—that do the talking and heavy lifting.
==========
you need to talk softly and carry a big shtick. By shtick, I mean a really good trick up your sleeve, a big deed that, better than any speech or threat, will show your child you mean it, that the party’s over.
==========
Your grand gesture is going to be unexpected, uncharacteristic, noisy, in your child’s face, strong—and successful.
==========
Ask your child to brush her teeth once at bedtime. Then forget it. Your child probably will go to bed not having brushed her teeth. The next day or two, calmly deny her sweets of any kind, whether with a meal or as a snack. Explain to your child that if she doesn’t brush her teeth, she can’t have sweets. Your child may scream that you never warned her. Calmly state that she knows all about toothbrushing and that you hope she makes a better decision next time.
==========
Remember—it will be your action, not your anger, that delivers the message. And whatever you do, do not back down.
==========
I owe it to you to be the best parent I can be, even when it’s hard and potentially embarrassing for me.
==========
Calm enabled her to think clearly, to maintain her position and perspective, and to remember why she’d done this in the first place. By staying calm, she helped to keep the tension and responsibility where it belonged—in the child.
==========
Strive to see tantrums as serving an important function for your child, allowing her to vent some frustration or anger or helping her to reset her emotional equilibrium. Neither punish nor criticize your child’s tantrums. Instead, work to accept and understand
==========
Unlike the near-instant power of shock and awe, end stops require that you demonstrate your steadfastness over and over and over, and over again until your child no longer holds any doubt as to your conviction.
==========
Practice telling your child your expectations and wishes in statements that declare rather than ask.
==========
Make a list of matters that, in your judgment, your child should have input on and those he should not.
==========
These parents indulge and give—things, attention, and affection—less out of unconscious resentment and more out of a conscious choice to nourish their children’s joy and spirit. They wish to foster in their children the capacities to want, ask, take, and enjoy from life in a way that they, the parents, never could.
==========
parents have to distinguish between a want and a real need. Children may want a toy or candy very much. Toys and candy, however, are not needs. Children’s needs include things like love, stimulation, and care. Children also need things like limits, structure, and expectations.
==========
Keep in mind that the child does not need a warning each time a parent is about to set a limit. That can backfire and teach a child mostly to be a last-minute reformer.
==========
parenting should not be anything like salesmanship. Think of what’s involved when you buy a car, and ask yourself whether those are the principles on which you wish to build a relationship with the child you adore, want the best for, and aim to prepare well for life as an adult.
==========
For some children, negotiations are the time when their parents most engage with them, and as we said before, children prefer bad attention to no attention—and negotiating requires a lot of attention.
==========
spending less is not the silver bullet of unspoiling,
==========
Giving children too much, today and tomorrow, can deprive them of more precious and profound gifts, such as patience, contentment, consideration, and other skills that help make for a rich, successful, and fulfilled existence.
==========
Think quality, not quantity.
==========
reserve praise for worthy achievement, most of all for achievement that requires effort.
==========
reward the effort, the attempt, and the trying, and not the mundane, the routine, and the obvious.
==========
Give acclaim for effort and attempts to do better. “I can see you’re trying very hard not to lose your temper.” If anything, this is what your child wants you to validate.
==========
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. —ABIGAIL VAN BUREN
==========
It’s actually a strong sense of competency that endows a child with hardy self-esteem. So how does a parent foster a child’s sense of competency? By creating opportunities for that child to face and master challenges.
==========
Being engaged with a parent—working alongside a parent, for instance—can be a child’s greatest reward and motivator.
==========
Encouraging and allowing a young child to work is a lot of work for the parent. You can probably vacuum much more quickly by yourself than while vacuuming alongside a kindergartner, however hard he might try. And you could wax and polish your car, perhaps, in less time than it will take your child to change into car-washing clothes. But what is your mission—productivity or teaching your child?
==========
you must learn to unspoil in public if you are going to unspoil your child at all.
==========
Let your child know what you will be doing, not in a threatening way, but in terms of information. “OK, we’re going to pick up some clothes from the dry cleaner.” Prepare your child briefly. “You might be bored. Do you want to bring a book or something?”
==========
When you get to the dry cleaner, look at your child and, in a kindly but clear voice, let her know your expectations of her in the dry cleaner. Pay attention to your child while waiting in the dry cleaner. Engage him. “Is it hard waiting?” “Look at that sign, what do you think it is?” As you are leaving the store, let him know that you noticed his effort. “You really worked to be patient in there, didn’t you?” Remember, notice the process and effort more than you praise or reward the outcome.
==========
First, go slowly and build on each success.
==========
Second, go frequently. Instead of hours of errands, break them up into several trips. Going and returning home and getting in and out of the car is part of the solution.
==========
Third, do not bribe. Fourth, be patient and thoughtful. Your sole goal is to promote the next success. Five, and most important, engage your child in a relationship while you’re out in public.
==========
Many parents today are equally tempted to indulge themselves as their children.
==========
Albert Schweitzer said it well. “Adults teach children in three important ways: The first is by example, the second is by example, the third is by example.”
==========
When they visit the school, parents cannot believe their eyes when they see toddlers picking up toys, rolling up mats, and maintaining cubbies and personal stuff all by themselves. “He’d never ever do that at home. He’d never do that for me,” parents say to the teachers. “He has no choice here. We expect it,” the teachers reply. “Expect it”—now there’s an idea.
==========
I suppose it is cute and adorable when a toddler washes her own hands or dresses herself or sits at the dinner table properly. But those actions mean a lot more than that. They are the beginning of a long process by which a child grows more capable and trusting of her powers and abilities. Believing in herself and assuming responsibility contribute to the child’s growing confidence and resilience. How can that be anything but good?
==========
Spend some time figuring out ways that you can help your child do it on her own in a way that you can live with. It takes time, effort, and patience for parents to allow children to exercise their drive toward self-sufficiency,
==========
Tell your child “Work it out on your own.”
==========
I have no problem with peacemaking and its etiquette, but that begs the more important task of helping children cope with feelings of being sorry and taking the proper action of remedy. We care about this because children can be spoiled in the sense of not having to bear and live by the norms that guide the rest of us in our interactions.
==========
Let children clean up their mess—and make their amends—as best as their abilities allow. Offer gently to help a child clean, assisting her rather than making her assist you.
==========
Mistakes, they learn, can be corrected.
==========
when they say something mean to you in anger, let them take it back and say they didn’t mean it.
==========
Acknowledge when you hurt your child’s feelings, and own up to it. Let your child see and hear you own and take responsibility for the hurts
==========
There’s absolutely nothing more seductive in a relationship than blaming the other person. Remember, it usually takes two to spoil, just as it usually takes two to unspoil. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you are the good parent, the unspoiler and your partner is the bad parent, the spoiler.
==========
the parent who does the lion’s share of caretaking and nurturing is prone to indulge more, especially when worn out.
==========
Remember that spoiling can be a natural extension of loving and good parenting. True, you’d prefer your well-loved child to be less spoiled (and that’s why you’re reading this book).
==========
Indulgence is a long-term process full of thousands of moments.
==========
Gratitude is when a memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind. —LIONEL HAMPTON
==========
Parents love their children so much and give so much that there is almost nothing their children can do to show their gratitude. But that is in the world of feelings. There’s no reason that children should express that kind of thanks. Nor do they owe us anything. We had children. It is their growing up well that is our reward, just as it will be for them with their children.
==========
There’s nothing like not getting to make a person appreciate what they do get.
==========
Should your child accept something with rudeness or clear disrespect, take it back. No apology or explanation needed,
==========
Model the gratitude you want your children to show.
==========
Unspoiling is nothing more than the absence of spoiling. You didn’t have to go back and undo months or years of unspoiling. All you had to do was to stop your unspoiling from that day on.
==========
They are always searching for the parenting they crave and need, parenting that sets limits and expectations and refuses to spoil them.
==========
As Rudolf Dreikurs put it, “We cannot protect our children from life. Therefore, it is essential that we prepare them for it.”
==========
How to Unspoil Your Child Fast: A Speedy, Complete Guide to Contented Children and Happy Parents (Richard Bromfield)
==========
A child learns gratitude by not getting everything she wants. A child learns patience by waiting. A child learns generosity by sharing and giving. A child learns self-control by having to control herself. And above all, she learns contentment by not being trained to always need more and faster.
==========
it will be your actions—not your words—that do the talking and heavy lifting.
==========
you need to talk softly and carry a big shtick. By shtick, I mean a really good trick up your sleeve, a big deed that, better than any speech or threat, will show your child you mean it, that the party’s over.
==========
Your grand gesture is going to be unexpected, uncharacteristic, noisy, in your child’s face, strong—and successful.
==========
Ask your child to brush her teeth once at bedtime. Then forget it. Your child probably will go to bed not having brushed her teeth. The next day or two, calmly deny her sweets of any kind, whether with a meal or as a snack. Explain to your child that if she doesn’t brush her teeth, she can’t have sweets. Your child may scream that you never warned her. Calmly state that she knows all about toothbrushing and that you hope she makes a better decision next time.
==========
Remember—it will be your action, not your anger, that delivers the message. And whatever you do, do not back down.
==========
I owe it to you to be the best parent I can be, even when it’s hard and potentially embarrassing for me.
==========
Calm enabled her to think clearly, to maintain her position and perspective, and to remember why she’d done this in the first place. By staying calm, she helped to keep the tension and responsibility where it belonged—in the child.
==========
Strive to see tantrums as serving an important function for your child, allowing her to vent some frustration or anger or helping her to reset her emotional equilibrium. Neither punish nor criticize your child’s tantrums. Instead, work to accept and understand
==========
Unlike the near-instant power of shock and awe, end stops require that you demonstrate your steadfastness over and over and over, and over again until your child no longer holds any doubt as to your conviction.
==========
Practice telling your child your expectations and wishes in statements that declare rather than ask.
==========
Make a list of matters that, in your judgment, your child should have input on and those he should not.
==========
These parents indulge and give—things, attention, and affection—less out of unconscious resentment and more out of a conscious choice to nourish their children’s joy and spirit. They wish to foster in their children the capacities to want, ask, take, and enjoy from life in a way that they, the parents, never could.
==========
parents have to distinguish between a want and a real need. Children may want a toy or candy very much. Toys and candy, however, are not needs. Children’s needs include things like love, stimulation, and care. Children also need things like limits, structure, and expectations.
==========
Keep in mind that the child does not need a warning each time a parent is about to set a limit. That can backfire and teach a child mostly to be a last-minute reformer.
==========
parenting should not be anything like salesmanship. Think of what’s involved when you buy a car, and ask yourself whether those are the principles on which you wish to build a relationship with the child you adore, want the best for, and aim to prepare well for life as an adult.
==========
For some children, negotiations are the time when their parents most engage with them, and as we said before, children prefer bad attention to no attention—and negotiating requires a lot of attention.
==========
spending less is not the silver bullet of unspoiling,
==========
Giving children too much, today and tomorrow, can deprive them of more precious and profound gifts, such as patience, contentment, consideration, and other skills that help make for a rich, successful, and fulfilled existence.
==========
Think quality, not quantity.
==========
reserve praise for worthy achievement, most of all for achievement that requires effort.
==========
reward the effort, the attempt, and the trying, and not the mundane, the routine, and the obvious.
==========
Give acclaim for effort and attempts to do better. “I can see you’re trying very hard not to lose your temper.” If anything, this is what your child wants you to validate.
==========
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. —ABIGAIL VAN BUREN
==========
It’s actually a strong sense of competency that endows a child with hardy self-esteem. So how does a parent foster a child’s sense of competency? By creating opportunities for that child to face and master challenges.
==========
Being engaged with a parent—working alongside a parent, for instance—can be a child’s greatest reward and motivator.
==========
Encouraging and allowing a young child to work is a lot of work for the parent. You can probably vacuum much more quickly by yourself than while vacuuming alongside a kindergartner, however hard he might try. And you could wax and polish your car, perhaps, in less time than it will take your child to change into car-washing clothes. But what is your mission—productivity or teaching your child?
==========
you must learn to unspoil in public if you are going to unspoil your child at all.
==========
Let your child know what you will be doing, not in a threatening way, but in terms of information. “OK, we’re going to pick up some clothes from the dry cleaner.” Prepare your child briefly. “You might be bored. Do you want to bring a book or something?”
==========
When you get to the dry cleaner, look at your child and, in a kindly but clear voice, let her know your expectations of her in the dry cleaner. Pay attention to your child while waiting in the dry cleaner. Engage him. “Is it hard waiting?” “Look at that sign, what do you think it is?” As you are leaving the store, let him know that you noticed his effort. “You really worked to be patient in there, didn’t you?” Remember, notice the process and effort more than you praise or reward the outcome.
==========
First, go slowly and build on each success.
==========
Second, go frequently. Instead of hours of errands, break them up into several trips. Going and returning home and getting in and out of the car is part of the solution.
==========
Third, do not bribe. Fourth, be patient and thoughtful. Your sole goal is to promote the next success. Five, and most important, engage your child in a relationship while you’re out in public.
==========
Many parents today are equally tempted to indulge themselves as their children.
==========
Albert Schweitzer said it well. “Adults teach children in three important ways: The first is by example, the second is by example, the third is by example.”
==========
When they visit the school, parents cannot believe their eyes when they see toddlers picking up toys, rolling up mats, and maintaining cubbies and personal stuff all by themselves. “He’d never ever do that at home. He’d never do that for me,” parents say to the teachers. “He has no choice here. We expect it,” the teachers reply. “Expect it”—now there’s an idea.
==========
I suppose it is cute and adorable when a toddler washes her own hands or dresses herself or sits at the dinner table properly. But those actions mean a lot more than that. They are the beginning of a long process by which a child grows more capable and trusting of her powers and abilities. Believing in herself and assuming responsibility contribute to the child’s growing confidence and resilience. How can that be anything but good?
==========
Spend some time figuring out ways that you can help your child do it on her own in a way that you can live with. It takes time, effort, and patience for parents to allow children to exercise their drive toward self-sufficiency,
==========
Tell your child “Work it out on your own.”
==========
I have no problem with peacemaking and its etiquette, but that begs the more important task of helping children cope with feelings of being sorry and taking the proper action of remedy. We care about this because children can be spoiled in the sense of not having to bear and live by the norms that guide the rest of us in our interactions.
==========
Let children clean up their mess—and make their amends—as best as their abilities allow. Offer gently to help a child clean, assisting her rather than making her assist you.
==========
Mistakes, they learn, can be corrected.
==========
when they say something mean to you in anger, let them take it back and say they didn’t mean it.
==========
Acknowledge when you hurt your child’s feelings, and own up to it. Let your child see and hear you own and take responsibility for the hurts
==========
There’s absolutely nothing more seductive in a relationship than blaming the other person. Remember, it usually takes two to spoil, just as it usually takes two to unspoil. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you are the good parent, the unspoiler and your partner is the bad parent, the spoiler.
==========
the parent who does the lion’s share of caretaking and nurturing is prone to indulge more, especially when worn out.
==========
Remember that spoiling can be a natural extension of loving and good parenting. True, you’d prefer your well-loved child to be less spoiled (and that’s why you’re reading this book).
==========
Indulgence is a long-term process full of thousands of moments.
==========
Gratitude is when a memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind. —LIONEL HAMPTON
==========
Parents love their children so much and give so much that there is almost nothing their children can do to show their gratitude. But that is in the world of feelings. There’s no reason that children should express that kind of thanks. Nor do they owe us anything. We had children. It is their growing up well that is our reward, just as it will be for them with their children.
==========
There’s nothing like not getting to make a person appreciate what they do get.
==========
Should your child accept something with rudeness or clear disrespect, take it back. No apology or explanation needed,
==========
Model the gratitude you want your children to show.
==========
Unspoiling is nothing more than the absence of spoiling. You didn’t have to go back and undo months or years of unspoiling. All you had to do was to stop your unspoiling from that day on.
==========
They are always searching for the parenting they crave and need, parenting that sets limits and expectations and refuses to spoil them.
==========
As Rudolf Dreikurs put it, “We cannot protect our children from life. Therefore, it is essential that we prepare them for it.”
==========
January 26, 2013
I'm not a fan – or perhaps I'm just tired – of parenting books, but this one was fantastic. Easily applied, down-to-earth, and common-sense advice. The tone was great. Highly recommended.
Note: I purchased it for $1.93(!) from the Canadian Kindle store.
Note: I purchased it for $1.93(!) from the Canadian Kindle store.
November 6, 2017
This book was concise and written with easy-to-read and easy-to-apply points. It's easy as a parent to get caught in a lot of these behaviors, and this book can help one recognize and correct those.
April 19, 2013
Aimed at parents with older children, but useful to read at any age. (glad I read it now when my son is only three)
A no- nonsense guide to child raring. Maybe if we all did it this way we wouldn't have so many exhausted and unhappy parents out there (with equally grumpy and unsatisfied children)
I can't recommend it enough!
Some passages I underlined:
"Pay him to brush his teeth today, and why will he ever brush them in the future for free? He won’t. Buy her a $60 video game for doing a week’s worth of homework, and how will she ever find her own internal motivation for doing homework? She won’t."
"Parents ...walk on eggshells around their children, forever talking and wrangling, deceiving themselves into believing that they’re in charge. Thus handcuffed, parents are prone to look the other way and not even try to set limits, lest the child overrun them, forcing parents to face their frightening impotency."
"Limits also include the notion of boundaries and privacy. It is healthy for parents to have privacy in their bedrooms when they choose. Many toddlers have free run of their parents’ bedrooms, offices, cell phones, and laptops. (I hate observing parents awkwardly trying to extricate their phones from their child’s grasp.) That your limits make your child feel so totally angry and shut out speaks to the heart of the problem. Children need to grow used to handling such reasonable limits without feeling devastated, rejected, and unloved."
"It’s time to disbar your mini-attorney. From this moment on, you will no longer offer up twenty-six reasons for your child to clean her room. Nor will you explain and explain again why you want the video games shut off."
"Teachers are experts at this kind of clarity and precision. “Please take out your science books. Open them to page 16. Read from the second paragraph.” No ambiguity there, no confusion, no wiggle room. When a teacher says, “I don’t want to hear anyone talking,” the children know just what they are to do. Can you imagine the chaos if teachers did what most parents do? “Would you like to stop talking soon?” or “Would you rather take out your science books or your drawing books?” And imagine further the chaos if teachers used a coyly inviting voice and body language while announcing their next order. “OK, sweeties, I don’t want anyone hanging around my desk.” In minutes, teachers’ laps would be crawling with children. Imagine yourself a teacher with your child in your classroom. Try emulating a teacher’s clarity, directness, and expectations for an hour or so, and see what happens"
And one that made me laugh, because this is so me in so many ways:
"WHAT ARE THE GOLDEN RULES for spoiling your child? Never allow your child to wait more than a few seconds for anything. You should have picked her up by the time her arms went vertical. You should have headed for the kitchen to refill her juice before her glass ran empty. If she asks you a question, answer her instantly, even if it means ignoring your spouse. If you can anticipate what your child wants without her having to ask, better yet. Such a child should save her energy for more important duties, like berating you for responding too slowly."
A no- nonsense guide to child raring. Maybe if we all did it this way we wouldn't have so many exhausted and unhappy parents out there (with equally grumpy and unsatisfied children)
I can't recommend it enough!
Some passages I underlined:
"Pay him to brush his teeth today, and why will he ever brush them in the future for free? He won’t. Buy her a $60 video game for doing a week’s worth of homework, and how will she ever find her own internal motivation for doing homework? She won’t."
"Parents ...walk on eggshells around their children, forever talking and wrangling, deceiving themselves into believing that they’re in charge. Thus handcuffed, parents are prone to look the other way and not even try to set limits, lest the child overrun them, forcing parents to face their frightening impotency."
"Limits also include the notion of boundaries and privacy. It is healthy for parents to have privacy in their bedrooms when they choose. Many toddlers have free run of their parents’ bedrooms, offices, cell phones, and laptops. (I hate observing parents awkwardly trying to extricate their phones from their child’s grasp.) That your limits make your child feel so totally angry and shut out speaks to the heart of the problem. Children need to grow used to handling such reasonable limits without feeling devastated, rejected, and unloved."
"It’s time to disbar your mini-attorney. From this moment on, you will no longer offer up twenty-six reasons for your child to clean her room. Nor will you explain and explain again why you want the video games shut off."
"Teachers are experts at this kind of clarity and precision. “Please take out your science books. Open them to page 16. Read from the second paragraph.” No ambiguity there, no confusion, no wiggle room. When a teacher says, “I don’t want to hear anyone talking,” the children know just what they are to do. Can you imagine the chaos if teachers did what most parents do? “Would you like to stop talking soon?” or “Would you rather take out your science books or your drawing books?” And imagine further the chaos if teachers used a coyly inviting voice and body language while announcing their next order. “OK, sweeties, I don’t want anyone hanging around my desk.” In minutes, teachers’ laps would be crawling with children. Imagine yourself a teacher with your child in your classroom. Try emulating a teacher’s clarity, directness, and expectations for an hour or so, and see what happens"
And one that made me laugh, because this is so me in so many ways:
"WHAT ARE THE GOLDEN RULES for spoiling your child? Never allow your child to wait more than a few seconds for anything. You should have picked her up by the time her arms went vertical. You should have headed for the kitchen to refill her juice before her glass ran empty. If she asks you a question, answer her instantly, even if it means ignoring your spouse. If you can anticipate what your child wants without her having to ask, better yet. Such a child should save her energy for more important duties, like berating you for responding too slowly."
December 1, 2010
Great FAST book every parent should read - even parents who think they don't need to read it. That means you definitely need to read it.
December 7, 2010
Really good book for me to read. My children are monsters and I just found out that it's my fault! hahaha ....I'm pumped up and ready to be strict!
January 12, 2011
Quick, easy to read, and funny. The cover doesn't do it justice!
January 21, 2012
Quick read, good advice
February 6, 2018
I have this philosophy as a parent that some things that are bad for me are good for my daughter, developmentally. Learning self-skills, such as self-soothing, self-esteem, self-reliance, etc. come more from dealing with obstacles on their own than from constant parental intervention. This book was a good reminder for me that although in a lot of ways I have the upper hand in my household, there are a few things I could work on, such as the chapter on "Stop Explaining Yourself" and the one called "Refuse to Deal". I do find myself giving my daughter too many choices or explaining the what/whys of my decisions regarding her daily routine and I need to stop doing that. Since she's four and just coming out of the overly reliant baby/toddler stage I also indulge her emotions a little more than is necessary.
Working on self-control skills when it comes to crying and tantrums is critical, just like learning how to fall asleep without crutches was when she was younger. Both involve her doing it herself, knowing that she is safe and loved. This booked reminded me that guilt is not a good reason to give in, as children need emotional boundaries just as much as physical ones.
Working on self-control skills when it comes to crying and tantrums is critical, just like learning how to fall asleep without crutches was when she was younger. Both involve her doing it herself, knowing that she is safe and loved. This booked reminded me that guilt is not a good reason to give in, as children need emotional boundaries just as much as physical ones.
January 22, 2025
This book doesn’t offer magic solutions, but it delivers valuable insights in a clear, organized, and witty way. I appreciated the author’s sense of humor, which added a refreshing touch. It gave me many moments to reflect on my interactions with my toddler, offering practical perspectives that were both meaningful and thought-provoking. I also liked the size of the book—it was perfectly compact, making it easy to grab and flip through the pages.
November 15, 2018
This is a fast skim, light on actual information and heavy on giving a parent confidence and reasons for stopping the habit of spoiling their child. The take away: when you're ready to stop spoiling your child, engage in a shock and awe action to get their attention and then follow through with consistency.
February 18, 2017
This is GOOD. I'd probably reread it as my kids get older to remember.
I don't want my kids to be spoiled and there was some great reminders in here about some things I should implement to make sure they aren't. :)
I don't want my kids to be spoiled and there was some great reminders in here about some things I should implement to make sure they aren't. :)
January 14, 2018
I think the book provides some interesting insights, and I definitely recommend it for any parent that wants to get this parenting thing right. As with most parenting books, there will be things you adapt to fit your style and this book is not any different.
September 7, 2017
simiple and sweet
the key points are outlined you cant miss them ! truly amazing it was a great read. i took a lot from it and i hope you will to
the key points are outlined you cant miss them ! truly amazing it was a great read. i took a lot from it and i hope you will to
February 25, 2019
This book was on display at the library, and since I had been feeling too indulgent post-Christmas, I grabbed it on a whim. It was written for parents who are further down the spoiling path than I feel I am; regardless, it has lots of good advice and I still took away some gems. Chapters are short and sweet, with specific advice to implement immediately. Plus, I love a parenting author who can joke around a bit, as he does.
February 6, 2019
Many Good Points
The author is basically stating to set boundaries, be okay with telling your child no, and keep children out of grown up conversations and stick to your guns.
The author is basically stating to set boundaries, be okay with telling your child no, and keep children out of grown up conversations and stick to your guns.
July 22, 2019
Easy to read, easy to follow. I have already implemented his “shock and awe” strategy and it worked like a charm. This is one of those books that every parent should read.
January 19, 2020
That is one very well worth reading book on parenting.
July 21, 2021
Useful pep talk to avoid raising entitled kids
Good summary of the basics. In short: hold the line and keep repeating endlessly the boundaries and rules you believe in. It is actually sinking in somewhere
Good summary of the basics. In short: hold the line and keep repeating endlessly the boundaries and rules you believe in. It is actually sinking in somewhere
January 17, 2013
I have tried many parenting techniques over the years (including the ones that make us cry when our kids aren't looking) and all along I thought it was my child who was the problem in our relationship. Lo and behold, it was me (yeah, duh!). I was sure I had not spoiled her but after reviewing the 12 item check list at the beginning of the book and checking 9 of the "spoiler" qualities, I threw in the towel. Bromfield gives practical, common sense advice and strategies without the psycho-babble often associated with self-help books. I immediately began using his techniques and suggestions and already have noticed a marked difference in my daughter's behavior. One of Bromfield's main points is that our children really, really want us to parent them and give them guidance. They don't want to be the decision makers...they are children...but too many times we give them too many choices because we were never given any in childhood. Guess what? We turned out okay! While my child is still her little willful, domineering self (hey, it's only been a week), she is slowly realizing that her authority is changing. The funny thing is that already she has done things she's never done before without prompting, namely apologizing for her behavior and accepting responsibility for consequences. This book is a sanity saver. As Bromfield points out, it isn't a band-aid for a scratch that will go away and be gone forever but it is a first-aid kit for all those parenting near-misses that sift the authority in our families and give the grown-ups a headache. I'm glad I found this book while my daughter is still young. Hopefully by the time the teen years hit, the advice found here will make those years easier on everyone. Again, buy this book!
October 6, 2010
Oh so I am ever ever ever giving my niece the book 'How to Unspoil Your Child Fast' by Richard Bromfield, Ph. D. because she needs it! Yes, it is not too late to fix this issue. No I am not saying to start beating her child....no way. But setting limits, standing firm to your decisions and not being an overindulgent parent is the way to go. Here she can read with empathetic and still good practical parenting advice on how to improve their lives all around. Oh, and she has a 2 month old baby too. Let's nip this in the bud before there is a whole out rebellion and the parents lose it all together.
I am all for ways that they can learn to take back their control in a loving fashion. On how they can get their daughters attention and exercise discipline consistently. Oh that is the key folks. Of course holding their ground rules and not making deals or bargains for good behavior. This will also improve their daughter's life. You are aware that spoiled children are prone to depression and anxiety. Yeah, they are. If a child does not ever know where the boundaries are then they do not know what is safe and what is not. Like in the pool, there is that rope with floats telling you that this is the deep end. And so you know if you go there your feet will not touch and under you will go. Well, children need to know where is that place in life. How far is safe. This gives them security and helps them move forward one toe touch at a time. Learning how to paddle in the water and finally making those first swimming stokes. So that one day when they are in the deep end, they can swim back safely to shore.
I am all for ways that they can learn to take back their control in a loving fashion. On how they can get their daughters attention and exercise discipline consistently. Oh that is the key folks. Of course holding their ground rules and not making deals or bargains for good behavior. This will also improve their daughter's life. You are aware that spoiled children are prone to depression and anxiety. Yeah, they are. If a child does not ever know where the boundaries are then they do not know what is safe and what is not. Like in the pool, there is that rope with floats telling you that this is the deep end. And so you know if you go there your feet will not touch and under you will go. Well, children need to know where is that place in life. How far is safe. This gives them security and helps them move forward one toe touch at a time. Learning how to paddle in the water and finally making those first swimming stokes. So that one day when they are in the deep end, they can swim back safely to shore.
July 7, 2014
Excellent!
Instead of very specific "rules" for parenting, the author first recognizes that most parents are neither dumb nor trying to turn out spoiled kids. Then he gives general guidelines to help us evaluate our parenting and the results we are currently seeing with our children. He's actually very gracious and encouraging as he offers ideas and backs them up with real life examples. He also resists the urge to tell us that if we do not do it his way, we will wreck our kids. After reading many parenting books that take that type of stand, I found it very refreshing to be reminded that this is long term raising of kids, not instant fixes or a formula that, if not consistently used, will result in disaster. :)
Instead of very specific "rules" for parenting, the author first recognizes that most parents are neither dumb nor trying to turn out spoiled kids. Then he gives general guidelines to help us evaluate our parenting and the results we are currently seeing with our children. He's actually very gracious and encouraging as he offers ideas and backs them up with real life examples. He also resists the urge to tell us that if we do not do it his way, we will wreck our kids. After reading many parenting books that take that type of stand, I found it very refreshing to be reminded that this is long term raising of kids, not instant fixes or a formula that, if not consistently used, will result in disaster. :)
May 23, 2011
I love the way this book was written. Very down to earth. Nice and easy/fast read. Not something you have to read and reread to make sure you got it. Very common-sense and pretty much what you already know how you should be doing but just aren't. As parents, we get into ruts and sometimes too often take the easy way out when it comes to parenting. We need to be reminded that it is okay to be the parent and be the one who is incharge. In the long run, even if you aren't popular for a time, we all want to do what is best for our kids.
I also enjoyed the little quotes at the first of each chapter. Some of them were pretty funny.
I also enjoyed the little quotes at the first of each chapter. Some of them were pretty funny.
February 2, 2015
Oh, well, you say, my child is not spoiled. I don’t buy a lot of toys or let him eat too much candy or watch too much TV. If you’re like me, you don’t want to think of your child as spoiled. It’s a loaded term and comes with connotations of dreadfulness. We would never spoil our kids,right?
...
Whether you have a serious spoiling issue on your hands or just need some pointers on how to keep nascent spoilage under control, I think most parents would find How to Unspoil Your Child Fast: A Speedy, Complete Guide to Contented Children and Happy Parents a useful resource.
{Read my full review here}
...
Whether you have a serious spoiling issue on your hands or just need some pointers on how to keep nascent spoilage under control, I think most parents would find How to Unspoil Your Child Fast: A Speedy, Complete Guide to Contented Children and Happy Parents a useful resource.
{Read my full review here}
May 21, 2011
Much of what this book says is "common sense" but it's always nice to be reminded what common sense is so that you feel less guilty about applying it. While a few things that the author suggests didn't quite resonate with me, his overall message, combined with specific suggestions seem very useful. The book is a quick read, even for a busy parent, and you can start applying the suggestions as you go before finishing the book.
November 10, 2012
This showed up as free on Kindle one day and so I bit. It discusses discipline for kids ages 2-12. Contrary to the title, you could actually get something from this even if your children are not yet spoiled. For parents of toddlers, I'd recommend skimming it. There is some reasonable advice (or at least several things I recognize from my mom's approach to dealing with me during my spoiled child days), but most anecdotes discuss older children.
January 29, 2012
This is a great, quick read for parents who are concerned with spoiling their children. The book contains easy, common sense ideas that can be immediately implemented into daily life. Alternatively, this book could also be an affirmation for parents who second-guess their approach to giving, and want to make sure they are parenting in the 'right' direction.
February 8, 2012
A great, quick read ideal for busy parents who maybe only have the time to dip in and read a chapter here and there. Each chapter focuses on one area, shows a couple of "Here's how it often plays out" scenarios, and offers alternate resolutions and a short, relatively easy piece of "homework" to try.
March 13, 2012
This was a super fast read that could be done in one sitting. It had a lot of good thoughts and ideas though and I appreciated the perspective it was coming from. I would recommend it as a straight-forward parenting book with a lot of good reminders about what most parents (at least in the back of their mind) already know about the dangers of spoiling your children.
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