How to Become an Intellectual

by Nick Kolakowski

A Capacious and Quintessential Guide
#1: Carry a Scholarly Book (at All Times)
#12: Know Your Manet from Your Monet
#14: Be Proficient in at Least One Classical Instrument
#64: Learn to Recite Romantic-Era Poetry on Cue If you think you need a PhD in Greek and Roman philosophy from an Ivy League school to call yourself an intellectual, reconsider your supposition. While you may envy the initials that follow distinguished names of professors and the intellectual elite, it's not the mortar board and scholarly robes you need—it's the obscure esoterica. In this primer, you'll learn to walk the talk of the intelligentsia, leaving simpletons and pseudo-intellectuals in your dust. Inside How to Become an Intellectual , you will find the prodigious truths every self-respecting learned person lives by. This code of scholarly behavior allows aspiring high-brows like yourself to educate their unfortunate lessers, amaze their Mensa friends, and impress their fellow wise people—one distinguished bon mot at a time!

Genres: Nonfiction

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2012

About the author

Nick Kolakowski is the author of several horror and crime novels, including “Absolute Unit” (Crystal Lake Publishing) and “Where the Bones Lie” (Datura Books). His short stories and nonfiction essays have appeared in various anthologies and magazines, including House of Gamut, Mystery Magazine, Shotgun Honey, Rock & A Hard Place, and (upcoming) Best American Mystery & Suspense 2024. He lives and writes in New York City.

Reviews

[Mahbubeh · Rating 2 out of 5]

انتظارم از کتاب چیز متفاوت تری بود. طنز کتاب در قسمتهای اول بهتر بود و رفته رفته کمرنگ تر و بی نمک تر شد.
سانسور بسیار جالب کتاب که توش پر بود از کلمات آب انگور، نوشیدنی صورتی! ماءالشعیر! و غیره.. که خدایی نکرده یوقت هوس مشروبات الکلی و نوشیدنی های حرام و نجس نکنیم :)))
یه موضوع دیگه ای که تو کتاب نظرمو به خودش جلب کرد این بود که انگار نویسنده این کتاب رو فقط برای آقایون نوشته و مخاطبش کلا مردهاست.
به جز یکی دو مورد محدود که تو ذهنم مونده چیز دیگه ای تو ذهنم نیست که اسم زنان رو اورده باشه یا جمله ش رو مستقیما خطاب به خانم ها گفته باشه.
البته که یک سری مواردی که گفته جنسیت ندارند. ولی خب راجع به پوشش و موارد بسیار دیگه ای فقط راجع به آقایون صحبت میکنه. یا اینکه خیلی قسمتهای کتاب این موضوع رو میگه که این روشها برای جلب توجه خانم ها خوبه.. یا اگر فلان اتفاق افتاد دست زیدتون!! رو بگیرید و برید.. یاااا خیلی مثالهای دیگه..
شاید فکر کنید زیادی دارم سخت میگیرم! ولی به نظرم تو عنوان میگفت چگونه مردان میتونن روشنفکر بشن بهتر بود!!!

[C. · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to Become an Intellectual - 100 Mandatory Maxims is a must read. This refreshing take on intellectuals features belly laughs on each page along with morsels of truth and great advice! If you'd like to know which books to carry around to make you look smart, or which operas you should familiarize yourself with, look no further. I've greatly enjoyed reading Nick Kolakowski's views on appearing intellectual to peers - what kind of jokes to tell, what type of internet signature to have, how to sign a signature for the greatest impact, all great advice to put one ahead of the masses on the scale of intellect.

Each little chapter has a theory and then an example of how to put the theory into practice and then each theory and practice has the inevitable footnote. He covers each subject in a funny, exhilarating way and provides much food for thought as well as tidbits of facts to grow the brain. Each page of this book is a treat. Read it when you need a little pick me up or when you feel you could use some advice after making an unforgivable social blunder in front of the smarties at work. You'll soon feel refreshed and ready to go and put some of these theories into practice. I haven't found the time to choose an instrument to play but I have given thought to pulling out the old jacket with the worn elbows and have decided to choose my jokes wisely and I try not to quote Shakespeare or succumb to the temptations of using Latin phrases too often.

Great book, well written, refreshing and very clever. I am leaving this book around the house so others can absorb the knowledge and become more intellectual to keep up with me.

[Mohammad Hossein Asgharzadeh · Rating 3 out of 5]

کتاب نکات جالب و بیان طنزگونه ای داره همچنین ترجمه اش خوب وروان بود

[Darin · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a reader who personifies a lot of the features mentioned in this book, a lot of the things that Kolakowski mentions hit awfully close to home...to the point where I'm not quite sure at times whether the author is seriously recommending that I do these things, or that he's parodying these features as things that intellectuals are SUPPOSED to do. But I think that very truth is what makes this book so effective. It's able to be serious but not TOO serious, exacting but not overbearing, intelligent but not haughty. There are a lot of good ideas in here, and anyone who has made a point in life to read big books and think about them way too much will find a lot of themselves here. At the same time, those who would like to be a bit more brainy will find easy-to-follow tips that can be applied gradually as a sort of self-help book.

Either way, there's a ton of value here. Highly recommended.

[Abigail Advincula · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's the premise that drew me in - what are the characteristics or quirks that society associates with intelligence?

I dove into the book quickly. I read the first twenty or so pages very quickly and enjoyed it. It was a quick and witty read ... at first. About 50 pages in, the book started getting repetitive. I mean, the book is practically all stereotypes. Maybe the book would have been better titled How to Convince Everyone Else You Are an Intellectual. While I enjoyed the book, I wouldn't recommend everyone else read it from cover to cover. You can as easily skim the book for tips and just read the bits that pique your interest the most.

[Zach · Rating 4 out of 5]

I highly enjoyed this book for multiple reasons. Of course, there's no question that this is largely satire, a comment on the clichéd and superficial stereotypes surrounding the intellectual. It's also, however, a bit of a shout out to everyone who has ever been stigmatized for their intellectual pursuits. Lastly, though, it is actually chock full of great tips for anyone who is interested in broadening their mind's horizons. It's a fun read, it definitely pokes a great deal of jest at the professorial type, but I found myself highlighting a number of lists and suggestions.

[Lisa · Rating 2 out of 5]

it started out funny but for something that's supposed to be satire it starts taking itself awfully seriously real quick. that's not even touching upon the fact that all his suggestions for lit and film are exclusively white men's work. dnf at 25% when he unironically suggested woody allen (who, apart from being a horrible person, is a horrible director too)

[Razique M. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Although it started as funny and entertaining, I quickly found myself bored, partly because it feels repetitive, perhaps because it felt like a "half-backed" satire of what being an intellectual is.
Some funny tips, however, most of it surfs on clichés of the perception of what being an intellectual is.

Perhaps I'm just becoming an old fart and not as much entertained by those books.

[Yato Hajime · Rating 4 out of 5]

I constantly rattled my brain while reading this, thinking if the whole book was an elaborate joke (which I might say if it was, got to give props to the author for effort) or is He actually being serious. I came in expecting actual 100 maxims, a step by step guide on how I can finally turn into an intellectual of my dreams. Turns out most of the book is dealing with tackling stereotypes of Intellectuals which in of itself was pretty funny to read. Although this does not cushion the clickbait title. Cannot believe I got bookbaited. Have to dock some points for that. The reason I actually decide to give some decent rating on this is because at the end it does help highlight some common sense things that are not soo common. Plus the satirical approach to the book was not disappointing. Now the repetitiveness and redundancy of some things were truly problematic in the grand scheme of reading this book.
3.3/5

[Mor‌TeZa · Rating 3 out of 5]

کتاب شیرین و بامزه ایه، و واسه تفنن خیلی خوبه

[Scull17 · Rating 2 out of 5]

Why the author felt the need to try to impersonate a stand-up comic, I do not know.

[Christina D’Angelo · Rating 4 out of 5]

So much fun! Power through it in a weekend and enjoy the ride — you’ll laugh, you’ll learn, and it’s better than TV.

[Amanda Aller · Rating 5 out of 5]

What can I say? I loved it. It's entertaining, incredibly witty, and well-written. It's exactly what I was looking for. It’s a satire but ... let’s be real... it's also a self-help book for anyone looking for an intentionally glib yet thorough overview of what it means to be an intellectual.

That being said, I thought it was a little overdone as far as specific witty anecdotes go and would have been better off airing on the side of fewer words in some passages (but when I say a little bit I am not being generous. It was almost perfect). I also wish that the author went a little more in-depth on Maxim 67 (“Craft a timeless upscale mixtape”). As a music nerd myself I loved the John Cage 4'33" joke.

The theory into practice section under maxim 82 on choosing your favorite philosopher was great.

A lot of the intellectual content available or the “canon” is evergreen material, however, I did find Maxim 84 “Diversify your news intake” to be really lacking (even for the year it was written— 2012). Staying informed about current events is a HUGE part of being an intellectual and I think it would be worth it to create an updated version of the book if only to edit that section (since again, this book was published in 2012 and the internet is ever-changing). I would have expected Kolakowski to mention the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, or the Washington Post. The Economist or the BBC for global news. The Onion for satire. If he ever created an updated version I would love to see some nonpartisan independent journalism sources in there, mention of following politicians and activists on Twitter, subreddits, etc.

[Sambasivan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Came across this book in a serendipitous way. Started reading. The author has given 100 maxims but I think nearly fifty percent are in jest. There are some good maxims like saying 'i dont know', list of books one must read and also a short list of five directors one must watch. Short and passable read.

[Nick · Rating 4 out of 5]

Absolutely concise and informative. I believe the only draw back is that the author is much more concerned about how you're perceived as an intellectual as opposed to just being an intellectual regardless of who's watching.

[Jan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny, tongue-in-cheek look at what it means to be an 'intellectual.'

[Anthony · Rating 3 out of 5]

Generally a good idea but unfortunately often not very well implemented. Very funny at times. Generally interesting but falls far behind what I had hoped for. Okay for a fun read...

[Tara · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some parts of this book were really funny, and it wasn't badly written. It was a book I chose to read on a whim, and when that whim passed, it was hard to keep reading.

[Matthew · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very fun book with lots of witty moments and not a few opportunities for profound pause. Recommended.

[Sean · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent advice.

[Jina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Both helpful and humorous, would recommend to anyone hoping to become their best intellectual self.

[Simon Bruce · Rating 3 out of 5]

Got through this in a couple of hours, it's an ok book, which is padded out with some pointless crap, worth a read.

[Sandeep S · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun to read. Insightful, but not serious enough in exploring the intellectual's life and qualities

[Landon Menze · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun, witty book. If you're of or surrounded by the academic world you'll find some of this funny.