Duct Tape Parenting

by Vicki Hoefle

There’s a new set of 3Rs for our kids—respect, responsibility, and resilience—to better prepare them for life in the real world. Once developed, these skills let kids take charge, and let parents step back, to the benefit of all. Casting hover mothers and helicopter parents aside, Vicki Hoefle encourages a different, counter-intuitive—yet much more effective—approach: for parents to sit on their hands, stay on the sidelines, even if duct tape is required, so that the kids step up. Duct Tape Parenting gives parents a new perspective on what it means to be effective, engaged parents and to enable kids to develop confidence through solving their own problems. This is not a book about the parenting strategy of the day—what the author calls “Post-It Note Parenting”—but rather a relationship-based guide to span all ages and stages of development. Witty, straight-shooting Hoefle addresses frustrated parents everywhere who are ready to raise confident, capable children to go out in the world.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Audiobook, Self Help

288 pages, Paperback

First published August 21, 2012

Reviews

[Corinne · Rating 2 out of 5]

Here's the thing I hate about parenting books, that I've just now figured out: I want them to be newspaper or magazine article length. I don't want 300 pages of sales pitches and exposition and fictional examples. I picked up the book because it had a title that spoke to me - so now just tell me what the course of action is, with an example or two if it helps illustrate the point. I have literally piles of books I want to read for pleasure, and my uninterrupted reading time is so scarce, that it makes me resentful and less than receptive to slog through chapter after slow-moving chapter of non-instructive information.

I'm done with self-help books for a while. They just don't work for me.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

4-5 stars for philosophy and overall parenting approach but book is significantly less effective than it could be in terms of how it is written. W-a-y too many anecdotes and not enough on a practical plan for implementing these ideas. I also don't think the title and book cover do justice - it makes it look like it's a funny book about keeping our mouths shut but there is much more covered in here. I love the timeline from 0-18 with the goal of 18 year olds being fully independent and functional - it definitely made me think about my 10 year old and is she going to be ready by 18? I will definitely be doing things differently after reading this book but the writing and organization could be improved.

[Zach Freeman · Rating 3 out of 5]

My 3-star rating is based on two separate things:

1. The content of Vicki Hoefle’s parenting strategy gets a 5 from me. I really like the reliance on giving your children responsibility and respect and trust at an early age and backing off of them in terms of how much you control what, when, and how they do things. The concept of “duct tape” is a bit gimmicky but I think it sticks (wah wah) in your mind and reminds you to shut up sometimes when you want to control your kids. I have 3 boys - 5, 3 and an infant - and I am definitely guilty of overcorrecting and over-helping them. This book reminded me that even small kids can handle tasks (and in fact *love* to be given the responsibility) like laundry and dishes and cleaning and getting dressed, etc etc. It has also gotten me to shut my mouth when I’m in a store with the older boys and they’re messing with stuff that I would normally rein them in on. If they’re not breaking anything and they always put back what they pick up... why am I constantly stepping in and creating a power struggle when there doesn’t need to be one? This small adjustment has made a huge difference in my home and out and about life with the boys. For this guidance I really appreciate this book.

But...

2. The sections with “quotes” from “real” parents who have used the method and think it works are *excruciating.* They may very well be real but they read *extremely* false. They’re written in the exact voice of the author, including with specific catch-phrases she uses (like “noodling” and “hairy eyeball”) that I just haven’t read in other places. It’s fine if you want to write some “real life” examples to show how your method *might* work but it really throws the book off to be rolling your eyes while reading something that sounds so fake. It feels like the author doesn’t think you’ll believe her method works or that her credentials are strong enough so she’s throwing in a bunch of “other voices” to back her up... but this really lowered her credibility with me. And the afterword is painful: it’s supposedly little blurbs written by her five children about how great their home life was... again, just feels fake, unnecessary and really took me out of it. 1 star for all those sections...

Still: glad I read this book and really feel like I found some advice I could implement!

[Kellie · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could give this 10 stars I absolutely would. Traditionally I am not a fan of parenting books - I feel they are too manipulative and unreal, blah blah blah. When I would try to follow parenting books I always felt I was looking for my kids to screw up so that I could follow the script from the book that I couldn't remember anyway. Not fun, not effective. A friend mentioned this book to me and briefly described it and I was instantly hooked. So much so, that I implemented a few of the things she told me about immediately before I even got the book. Too great success I might add. I love the focus on respecting your kids, letting them do for themselves and basically shutting up. The duct tape concept registers with me and I feel like this is a tool that will help me long after the kids are out of the house. If you have kids - this is a phenomenal book!

One addition - the blogs the author references on her website of real families trying the exercises she recommends are priceless. These are real families who decided to document there journey with their kids - specifically through the "Say Nothing, Do Nothing" week. I have never laughed so hard or related so much! Truly awesome.

[Jessica Ambler · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm glad I gave myself the goal of reading at least one parenting book a year. This wasn't "fun" reading but I definitely got something from it. I hope to make some positive changes to my parenting style that will allow my boys to grow into independent and resilient young men.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

While there are definitley some truth nuggets here, I found this book extremely difficult to get through. So. Darn. Sluggish. Too many stories about "clients" of hers (seriously, who pays for someone to come and tell them how to parent their kids?!). There are a few things I'll take away from this as a parent, but won't ever get back all the time I tried to spend reading it. :p In my opinion, could be condensed to about half of what it is and made more readable.

[Lia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this for school.

[Lacey B · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first parenting book that didn't make me roll my eyes. It actually has some really practical information. I love the approach of trusting your kids to take on some responsibility. We do so much for our children that we train them to let us do it all when they are perfectly capable. It helped me recognize my own parenting hang ups like micromanaging, doing it myself so it's done "right", and bailing them out instead of letting them make their own mistakes and deal with the natural consequences. This is how you raise children who don't feel entitled to everything. I love the common sense approach. Obviously you aren't just going to let your child run free and do whatever they want so they can figure it out on their own but we should give our kids more credit than we do. Step back and watch what they are capable of while you are still within a safe distance to rescue them from real danger. I agree with the other reviews though that a few more examples of implementation would be nice.

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

4-star advice, but like almost every advice book, it's 40% too long- if you skim over the rather repetitive anecdotes and examples (like I did), you can distill some really valuable insight and feel better about yourself as a parent (some of these parent-students are wacko), in about 4 hours! Hooray! That's how much time you have!

[Candace · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ☆ Good strategies that I will implement, but by the end the praise of her own family success grew tiresome.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

The core idea of this book is that a hands-off approach to parenting produces more independent and successful kids and allows you to focus on your relationship with kids rather than on controlling their behavior. There were two parts of the book that I found very useful: one was the overarching reminders that kids are generally way more capable than we give them credit for and it feels really good to them to be able to exercise this competence, to make and recover from mistakes, etc. The other was the approach that you can just ignore things kids are doing unless they are "morally or physically dangerous." There are also some useful tools around family meetings, making a "roadmap" with kids to solve a problem, and teaching kids how to handle various activities of everyday life, and she gives useful reminders about working with your own stuff so you don't get too caught up in what other people think of you.

That said, I think Hoefle takes her philosophy to a bit of an extreme: at one point she describes her teenage daughter calling her to say she'd been in an accident and (after checking that her daughter wasn't hurt) her responding "okay, call me back when you figure out what to do." She also advocates a hands-off approach that potentially impacts others, such as letting your child go to school in pajamas if they don't get dressed. Like many parenting books, this one suffers from a bit of a "my way is perfect and always works" attitude, when my experience is that kids and parents differ. And there's a long, congratulatory chapter at the end that's all about how great kids who are raised this way turn out. She continually advocates "training" children to be responsible for things on their own, but doesn't provide any real detail on how to do this or what to do when a child who is capable of doing something that's a family responsibility elects not to do it.

I listened to this as an audiobook; it probably would be better in print where it could be skimmed more effectively for the parts useful to you.

[Lucy Andrews-Cummin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've never encountered a book where the author quotes herself at the beginning of a chapter . . . and, like many of these guides, it is very repetitive. Make a point, illustrate with some anecdotes, make the point again. Maybe come at it from a slightly different angle and go through that process several times. That said, the points Hoefle makes are solid. You owe it to your children to prepare them in a steady and sensible and thoughtful way for adult life. No matter how much you enjoy them as children, every day they are closer to growing up when they will need the skills to lead meaningful lives. You can only do this by encouraging them to do things for themselves, by paying attention, by staying abreast of what they are actually capable of, showing them what they need to do to help themselves and then keeping your mouth shut and letting them figure out the rest on their own. Somewhere in the middle is a useful list of the skills your child will need to learn by eighteen, and also, near the end a chapter on "roadmapping" -- I think it is the kind of work, essentially, that many people do with coaches. Identify where you want to be in a year, say, then work backward, to the smallest steps you need to take to arrive there. I'm simplifying, of course, but that is the essence of it. I'm not sure I am capable of being as sensible and pragmatic as she advises -- I am not even sure I would want to be, really, but I think her ideas are very sound. You can read this book quite quickly! ****

[Kathryn, the_naptime_reader · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were many things I liked and agreed with the author about in this book. Having taught for 11 years, I've gotten a front row seat to seeing many different parenting styles and many different parent-child relationships. Im in the early stages of parenting, with only a 15 month old, but I'm definitely on board with many of her practices: natural consequences, all family members contributing to the household, fostering independence, etc. I don't think I'm fully on board with the extent of her hands off nature, as evidenced in some of the anecdotes and stories (for example letting a child who overslept skip school because it's too embarrassing to go in late, or the teenager and her friends discussing a designated driver for the upcoming party, etc.) i plan to read some other books and to continue to get multiple perspectives as I approach my own parenting, but was thankful for her ideas and empowering approach. Since starting this book, I've already been working with my 15-month old, training her how to pick up her own toys at the end of the day. Also, to ignore whining and crying for my attention, and responding when she signs please to me or uses a nice tone to get my attention.

[Maria (Ri) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm just beginning to implement this approach so a check in down the line will be needed I'm sure, but overall I like the focus on raising functioning adults with their own internal compass. I am currently metaphorically duct taping my mouth closed and bottom to my chair as I hear my kids "working something out" in the other room.
I found it especially helpful to read this alongside Raising a Screen Smart Kid by Juliana Miner. The rise of smart phones in the past several years is an added layer to parenting and developing tech appropriate kids is new territory for everyone. Teaching my kids about using phones in constructive ways without falling into mindnumbing addiction or hurtful behaviors is the current challenge that most adults I know (including me!) have not yet fully sorted out.
Overall, the two books together seemed sensible enough to give a try and hello change some of my own over parenting tendencies.

[Michael Siliski · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall a solid approach I generally agree with (expect more, intervene less, natural consequences). Rather obnoxious to read as the author takes a pretty condescending tone. Could have done with fewer magical success stories and more real world application advice, just in case your kids aren't quite as naturally industrious as the author's.

[Sara Fox · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this books. I want this for my family's lives so badly. It's very transformational but you have to be willing to change your thinking. However as Vicki says, we aren't raising kids, we are raising adults. I highly recommend this for all parents.

[Rebecca Heneghan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Our school is reading this for a principal book club. Loved some of the advice and know that my kids are capable of doing more.... didn't love all of the stories and lack of actual ways to do things.

[Kristine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really great ideas in here many of which are sticking with me. I do feel like there’s a missing aspect which I wish I could counsel with the author about but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and am grateful for a fresh perspective on this monumental job of parenting

[Christine Fitzgerald · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked the idea and practical advice here but maybe it could have been accomplished in fewer pages. Inspiring stories of parents and children. All good ideas and hopes for my family but too few clear cut strategies for accomplishing these great parenting goals.

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Didn't finish. I feel like she took ideas from other parenting books and just adapted them to "keeping your mouth shut about xyz." Some parts felt deeply accusatory of parenting struggles and how you might mess up your kids.

[Adrian Moening · Rating 5 out of 5]

Overall solid and consistent with a few memorable moments. 120 parents with their hands stuck in the air…show what you can do. Don’t need you to do for them but rather help with next step. Tgat in itself is where a lot of us get stuck. As parents and in our own lives lol. Funny and true.

[T · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting approach. Good reminders that we’re not raising children, rather we’re raising future adults.

[Sarah Seitz · Rating 3 out of 5]

I completely agree with Corinne. Great concept and good examples provided in this book, but 200 pages too long.

[Lindsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another helpful book on parenting!! This one seemed directed more toward younger children but it has helped me with my older kids as well. Step away from the kid and watch them thrive!

[Annie Cox]

Talk less, make the kids do more work around the house.

[Carolyn Fasnacht · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book teaching parents to stand back and let the situation teach the lesson. Natural consequences.

[Emily Arnason Casey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm always reading or listening to this book. If you start it and don't like it you are probably someone who needs it LOL. It's good.

[Jenna McNicholas · Rating 3 out of 5]

4 stars for philosophy, 3 stars for execution.

[Liz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I keep putting off a review of this book because I want to successfully duct tape parent before I write all my thoughts down. But I've decided I'll never use this method of parenting as perfectly as I'd like. So here goes ...

The basic idea proposed by Hoefle is that parents should use a "hands off" parenting approach. I don't know that this an accurate portrayal of her advice. Yes, she is encouraging parents to duct tape their mouths, eyes, ears, butts, hands -- whatever it takes -- in order to stop interfering with their child's negative behaviors, but (and she points this out) this method will only succeed if you are a "hands on" parent in many other aspects of your child's life. I wish there would have been a little more focus on those "hands on" moments and less focus on the duct tape (hands off) moments.

She has a chapter that outlines 15 parenting strategies that go beyond what parents might imagine. She mentions that in her parenting classes (she's a parenting professional of 20 years) parents often talk about reading, playing, and vacationing with their kids as the main mode of creating strong relationships. She points out this is not what builds a relationship between a parent and child. I think most people would be surprised by this, but I agree with her. The moments that build parent/child relationships are smaller, more crucial moments. The moments we teach kids how to complete tasks, the moments we show appreciation for them, the moments we sit as a family and discuss calendar events, and more (there were 15, afterall). I've found myself re-reading that chapter and asking my husband to read it as well.

I've also had to re-read the chapter on avoiding the drama of temper tantrum, sibling fights, etc. Again, I found her emphasis on the duct tape wasn't helpful, but her few small paragraphs on strategies for ignoring bad behavior are SUPER helpful. I wish their was more focus on the Do's and less focus on the "don'ts."

The book is full of parent (and kid) testimonials and they are also helpful, but not as specific as I'd like.

So, how has my first week of trying on the duct tape going? Eh... I may have snapped at my kids one day and at my husband the next. It's hard to feel like you are just holding in all the nagging/critiquing/yelling you normally let out. Man, that must sound awful, but it's true. This is why I had to go back and re-read some parts. I need better DO strategies and less Duct Tape! reminders.

Overall, I do think the strategy and approach is spot on. This isn't a self help book I'm simply reading, thinking about, and then going back to old ways. It is the kind of book that really encourages effort. I am committed to ignoring bad behaviors. I have told my kids this. I am committed to training them better and encouraging more independence, and they are involved in this process. Each week (Sunday night) we have a family meeting where we discuss what two things they worked on last week and pick out two new things they'd like to learn (examples include: making pancakes, dressing oneself, bathing oneself, etc). I do want respectful, responsible, and resilient kids and I know helicopter parenting will not create those attributes in my children.

I would recommend this book to others. I do plan on reading her second book. I wish I had the $800 needed to hire Hoefle to come to my house for 5 hours and give me a one-on-one consultation (or, that I lived within driving distance of one of her 6-week parenting classes).

One last thing I want to mention, I do think this is a good follow up read to Parent Effectiveness Training (a parenting book I read earlier this year). That book focuses on communication and identifying when a problem is yours vs when it is your child's. I also think it helped that I read this book after Clutterfree with Kids. Recognizing that certain problems do not belong to you -- just your kids -- and having a limited amount of "clutter" in your life will make it easier to successfully duct tape parent. I definitely think this book is geared toward parents that have a limited amount of emotional, mental and/or financial stress. If any of those things are a major problem in your life, they will have to be addressed before you can successfully duct tape parent, in my opinion (that's why I'm working on my patience).

[Djinni Field · Rating 5 out of 5]

People read this parenting book and you won't believe what happens

... you actually learn something . Perhaps not something new, but certainly put in a way that makes the thinking behind this book easy to grasp and implement. I found it easy to put into practice and felt it took away some of the parenting stress I had been under. This is s very good addition to any parenting book shelf.