Man Up: Cracking the Code of Modern Manhood

by Carlos Andrés Gómez

Inspired by the award-winning poet and actor’s acclaimed one-man play, a powerful coming-of-age memoir that redefines masculinity for the twenty-first-century male.

Award-winning poet, actor, and writer Carlos Andrés Gómez is a supremely gifted storyteller with a captivating voice whose power resonates equally on the live stage and on the page. In one of his most moving spoken-word poems, Gómez recounts a confrontation he once had after accidentally bumping into another man at a club. Just as they were about to fight, Gómez experienced an unexplainable surge of emotion that made his eyes well up with tears. Everyone at the scene jumped back, as if crying, or showing vulnerability, was the most insane thing that Gómez could possibly have done.

Like many men in our society, Gómez grew up believing that he had to be ready to fight at all times, treat women as objects, and close off his emotional self. It wasn’t until he discovered acting that he began to see the true cost of squelching one’s emotions—and how aggression dominates everything that young males are taught.

Statistics on graduation rates, employment, and teen and young-adult suicide make it clear that the young males in our society are at a crisis point, but Gómez seeks to reverse these ominous trends by sharing the lessons that he has learned. Like Hill Harper’s Letters to a Young Brother, Man Up will be an agent for positive change, galvanizing men—but also mothers, girlfriends, wives, and sisters—to rethink and redefine the way all men interact with women, deal with violence, handle fear, and express emotion.

Genres: Nonfiction, Gender, Poetry, Sociology, Sexuality, Memoir, Biography

304 pages, Hardcover

First published September 27, 2012

About the author

Hailed as a “truth-telling visionary” by Brass Magazine and a “lyrical prophet” by the Caymanian Compass, CARLOS ANDRÉS GÓMEZ has been dubbed "a leading voice at the forefront of the oral poetry movement" (The Punch). A former social worker in Harlem and the south Bronx and public school teacher in Philadelphia and Manhattan, Gómez has performed at over 200 colleges and universities and toured across North America, Europe, the Caribbean, and Africa. Nominated for the Pushcart Prize and named Artist of the Year at the 2009 Promoting Outstanding Writers Awards, he is a two-time International Poetry Slam Champion (2006, 2010) and co-stars in Spike Lee's #1 movie "INSIDE MAN" (Universal Pictures) with Denzel Washington, Jodie Foster, and Clive Owen. Gómez appears on the 6th season of HBO’s “RUSSELL SIMMONS PRESENTS DEF POETRY” – voted “Favorite Poet” of his episode by viewers. Most recently, he showcased his talent in MTV’s first ever poetry slam alongside hip hop luminary Talib Kweli.

GÓMEZ is the star of the Emmy® Award-winning "Respect Yourself" television spots by At Large Films and appears on the third season of the popular Showtime series "The L Word.” He is a two-time National Poetry Slam Finalist – once as a member of the renowned Nuyorican Poets Café's Slam Team that finished 2nd, and later with the NYC/louderARTS Slam Team that finished 3rd in the U.S. He's represented the United States at the Poetry Africa International Festival in Durban, South Africa and been a special guest performer at the MACY’s Passport Fashion Show. He's collaborated with Tony Award-winning tap dance legend Savion Glover on Broadway. In the past year, he was Guest of Honor at the Berlin International Literature Festival, headlined Central Park SummerStage, and opened the Campus Progress National Conference in Washington, D.C.

Over the past decade, Gómez has shared the stage with a diverse range of celebrated artists and icons, including Wyclef Jean, MC Lyte, Yusef Komunyakaa, Rosie Pérez, Pete Rock, Ntozake Shange, Toots and The Maytals, Immortal Technique, Reel Big Fish, Suzanne Vega, Saul Williams, Javier Colón and Mos Def.

Reviews

[Tracy Towley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Carlos Andres Gomez has clearly had some interesting experiences that could have been compiled into an informative and useful narrative and I'm pretty sure that's what he was trying to do with Man Up. Unfortunately, it wasn't successful for me.

Mr. Gomez spends much of the book detailing the ways in which he used to be an asshole, used to be caught up in gender roles, and used to be completely self-centered. It seems he's trying to tell you where he came from and share the erroneous worldviews he used to hold . . . but he does so as though the reader is supposed to just know he's no longer an asshole. There are a few brief mentions of small events that helped changed his attitude and belief system, but he spends 90% of the book detailing his past transgressions and very little time exploring the reasons he no longer acts or feels the way he once did. He randomly throws out buzzwords like "heteronormative" and makes no attempt to really tie them in with his narrative, nor does he really explain to the reader what they mean. I am quite aware of their meaning, and their importance, but the person who already understands these things shouldn't be the target audience for this book - unless Mr. Gomez really just wants us all to be incredibly proud of him for not being as much of an asshole as he once was.

He also whines on and on about how his parents divorced when he was young, and he had to move frequently. As a child of divorced parents, I can certainly believe that it sucked for him, but he constantly refers to it like it's this unusual, unbelievable thing he had to overcome. After the 80th mention or so, it begins to induce some eye-rolling.

There's lots of detail of his sex life, which also gets old. I don't know how many times the reader is supposed to get excited about him realizing in the middle of a blow job that the woman blowing him is emotionally needy and perhaps he's treating her unfairly. Each time he decides that the correct way to handle the situation is to let her finish, immediately tell her to leave, and then sit around feeling bad about the way women are treated.

At one point, he sums up his M.O.:

"First, I'd ask the woman if she'd been treated for STDs. Then I'd ask her how she felt about abortion. Next, if she was willing to be unattached and keep hooking up. And then I'd tell her I only receive oral sex outside of a relationship. And, finally, after I'd gotten whatever I wanted, I'd discard her. I'd kick her to the curb, after ravenously feasting on her body and heart and spirit. And as she sobbed on my shoulder, or, often times, over the phone, I'd sit there with my partly genuine, mostly strategic empathy and, ultimately, remind her, "I told you this before - I'm not ready for a relationship."

He goes on to discuss that he came to a point where he had to "grapple with that ugly past and to get honest and break that cycle," but that's pretty much the extent of his explanation of having done so. He immediately goes on to give us yet another example of a relationship he screwed up by being an asshole.

He's also awfully proud of himself for "only" having sex with six women by the time he was 25, despite the fact that, as he repeatedly tells us, he could have had sex with many, many more women. Of course, by 'having sex' he's referring exclusively to intercourse. He's 'hooked up' with and received oral (though not given!) to dozens more. I'm not in the habit of policing the number of sexual partners a person has had, but I did find it weird and aggravating that he kept telling me it was "only six!" like I was supposed to give him a pat on the head and be proud of him.

There was also very little discussion of consequences. I understand that it's a personal narrative and I don't want him to just make up crazy consequences to scare people, but obviously there were negative consequences or he wouldn't have stopped his bad behavior. Based on what he's chosen to include in this book, it seems that he goes from being awful to being 'good' magically, almost overnight, and for no other reason than he realized it was naughty of him.

For example, he was involved with a woman (who's now his girlfriend - or at least she was at the time he wrote the book) but was not initially willing to commit to her. Eventually he realizes that she's 'the one' and decides that now would be a good time for them to start a relationship - even though she's moved on. He writes:

"We met up one night after a mutual friend's birthday party, and I told her that I wanted to be with her. That I didn't care if she was with someone else. That I had been wrong to take her for granted. I didn't care what it took."

I believe I'm supposed to think that's awfully sweet of him, but all I see is a guy deciding that now is the right time for him and not giving two shits what it means for her. He doesn't care that she's in a relationship, and he doesn't care what has to be done for them to be together . . . which is easy for him to say, considering that it seems all the negative consequences will be hers to bare. How gallant of him!

OK, so you get it, I didn't care for the substance of the book. But what about the writing? The author is a professional poet, after all. Well, unfortunately that left much to be desired for me as well.

The author didn't appear to trust his reader, or maybe he didn't think his reader would (should?) trust him. Either way, he would frequently make a point and then immediately repeat it several times to try and convince us of its validity. Take this example, in which he makes it really, really (really) clear that his sister is a natural athelete:

"My sister is a brilliant artist but she's actually an incredible athlete as well. She has a natural sense of coordination and physical awareness of her body. She also has power and toughness in her petite frame. Whether it's throwing a baseball or kicking a soccer ball, she does it hard and with precision. Even with basketball, which was my sport, she's fantastic. Never having practiced more than a few minutes in her life, she can pick up a ball and start hitting free throws with pretty solid form -no formal training whatsoever."

He also likes to say, "to this day," an awful lot.

Overall, I get the impression that this was supposed to be a fearless expose of the worst things he's ever done, and I imagine some readers will be impressed by his sincere and honest appraisal of who he used to be. However, for me it was mostly just a retelling of all the awful things he's done and brief descriptions of what behaviors have changed, but an almost total lack of examination into why he's changed these behaviors.

[Aurélien Thomas · Rating 2 out of 5]

Highly disappointing, as this is not the type of book I was expecting. I came to read this because I am interested in how men, especially men my generation (Millennials) are coming to question so-called ‘toxic masculinity’, a traditional view of manhood which can be destructive and self-destructive. This is isn’t about it. This is about the author and the author only. Now, there’s nothing wrong with autobiographical work, especially if, like the author, you think you are bringing a point helping to illustrate a wider social phenomenon (here, then, ‘toxic masculinity’). The problem is that his life story doesn’t bring any insight; and you can tell by the complete lack of references to academic works, essays, papers, and basically any other sources but himself which could put his life choices into perspective.

Now, it doesn’t mean his life is uninteresting. He is half-Latino and half-White, who first grew up in Europe then in the USA. His background, then (he identifies as Latino) is a perspective which could have benefited me, who is White European only -it’s always interesting to try and look at the world through someone’s else lenses. Sadly, because it’s only about him, there is no way to get a solid grasp of racial issues in America unless through his very subjective perspective. His sexuality -coming out of age sexually as a boy, then his relationships with various women- are telling too when it comes to how many men handle sex. But the issue, again, is that he tries and blame the patriarchy for such demeaning attitude to his girlfriends; something which, as he is not backing it up by anything but his own excuses, quickly sounds self-justifying (sorry, but, you can’t claim ‘treating women like shit to satisfy my own ego’ -as he bluntly admits- and blame it on society -your ego is responsible, not the patriarchy, as not all men behave the way you did; please take responsibility).

More interesting to me was how he learnt how to connect with his own emotions and deal with his feelings through poetry. Men are indeed often labelled as less emotionally intelligent than women, are stifled when it comes to express feelings (apart from anger), and blindly accepted as basically neurologically hardwired with less empathy and more aggression than women (e.g. testosterone and other neuro-nonsense and pseudo-biology…). It’s utter bullshit, but it has terrible consequences not only on how we raise boys and perceive men, but, also, on how men handle their feelings, connect with each-others and people around (including women) and seek coping mechanisms which are everything but healthy. To see him dropping the ‘alpha male’ mask was touching indeed.

All in all, then, here’s an autobiography with no broader insight into what could be a wider phenomenon. I get the racism, the misogyny, the emotional issues; but how much of that was due to the heritage of a patriarchal system? How much was his own personal responsibility? Putting things into context by linking it all to sociological work and gender studies would have help -but he doesn’t; it’s only ‘me, myself and I’ all the way through. I gave it two stars instead of one, simply because his poetry (each chapter opens with one of his poems) is actually really good. Here’s the irony: he’s more insightful in verses than in prose. As I said: not what I was looking for.

[Niv · Rating 5 out of 5]

Carlos has beautifully portrayed his past and present in this book in simple English. The part where he accepts his mistakes, lets go of his ego and forgives people around him is really touching and inspiring. To my opinion, this book has a lot of life's lessons one can learn from and look at circumstances in various perspectives. He also talks about following your dreams and reminded me of the purpose of absolving someone, feeling content with life. His words are powerful, made me question myself about the actions I took and will be taking towards any situation. I wouldn't say this book is just for "men" but it's for anyone in this world who's trying to be a better person and has the capability of capturing good values from other people's experiences. Furthermore, it makes us realize what is life all about. One of those books which is worth reading!

[Suzanne Ondrus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Man Up: Reimagining Modern Manhood by Carlos Andres Gomez 2012.

“The truth is, only when we move away from what we’ve subconsciously learned can we ever truly find and know who we are”(90).

This book is a real page turner. He talks about the immense suffering from not being able to be vulnerable with other men, his family, and with women.
While Gomez talks about having only had intercourse, sex, with six women with whom he was in a relationship and with whom he used a condom each time(65), he has numerous, numerous hookups, with allegedly receiving a lot of unprotected oral sex. So while he champions safe sex, he himself was not fully practicing it. Also, I wish he really explored much more in depth these hookups- even from the women’s point of view. Now, he did give us a hint that there was a performative aspect. For example at his after prom how two girls took their tops off to be with him and one went down on him while seducing him with her eyes. He says now he views marriage and fatherhood as things that require “a life-altering leap of faith” but now he no longer sees “fear as a burden” (67).
“Fear means something really important is on the line. It means the stakes are highest when you’re shaking, about to walk out in front of two thousand people and strip open your story in front of them. And courage is never the absence or avoidance of fear; it is the deep inhalation of it—a frightened, shallow breath turned into a powerful shout or belted song note.
Fear is the fuel behind everything great that I have ever done. It is the symptom of my passion and my sensitivity. And I have made it my life’s work to take all of those quivering vulnerabilities in my body and turn them into those resonating stories and truthful poems that make the broken parts of me heal And I thank God for discovering that I am only as strong as those fears I am willing to confront.” (68)

He reflects on one of these hookup (hookup relationship) where he “placated her…then…stalled…then …fed her lines about how I ‘wasn’t ready’ and ‘needed more time….this was a ritual I had mastered and continued to replicate with numerous women….I kept us in a holding pattern because it was convenient for me. And like the others, she trusted me and gave me the benefit of the doubt as I used her like a cheap prostitute that I never paid…Sure I valued our friendship on some level, but, in the most chauvinistic, shallow, and despicable of ways, I used her”(119). Then when he got into a relationship where he started to think of marriage, he ‘felt the dread of being trapped, of having my individuality and my freedom constrained by being in a relationship”(121).

He talks about his vision of being a professional basketball player, but notes how for him the appearance was most important, “to look good doing it, to show up the other guy I was playing against, to be the top dog at all costs, the alpha male by any means necessary”(152).

“When the only consistent force in a person’s life is violence, how can you expect him to be peaceful?”(182)
He comments on the dire need for men to have “a shared language” (184). He says this in the context of thinking of how black men look at him with his black girlfriend. He mentions a couple of times when a brawl started at a bar between him and someone how he teared up and one man was so in shock, as if a grenade had gone off and said ‘Yo fo’real, son. Chill. Just chill out , man”(186).Conversely he discusses how anger was his “go-to shield” that he used instead of crying if his feelings were hurt. “I would fight back with all of the venom and spite and rage in my body. Do everything I could to push the “girly” feelings down.”(197) He was very anxious about losing emotional control and anger was a front (197).

I was impressed by his honesty in relaying how he shirked back upon seeing his landlord’s black son, a child; it was his black skin that elicited fear in him. He was aware that he ‘felt threatened and afraid” He then connects his actions to the shootings of Amadou Diallo and Sean Bell (39-40).

“When we, as men lock away our pain and vulnerability, it slowly kills us. It casts a dark shadow over our gifts and our heart. It slowly eats away at the sacred, fractured pieces of ourselves that will, ultimately, make us whole. We all collude in this silent game. And in those moments when I catch a glimpse of men battling against the imprecise, unscripted magic of their bodies, I think...of Thoreau: “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them” (217).

I liked his line from “What’s Genocide” “You wonder why children hide in adult bodies”
He discusses finding poetry where he could show who he was (227-235).

He further reflects on his hooking up and deduces that “I would put the women I was intimate with on trial. Actually, sentencing would probably be a better analogy than trial. And I would justify it under the pretext of me being moral and responsible, but really I was carefully building my case for an escape route for whenever I might need it. And that’s how I did things. It was my way of methodically doing the dirtiest and sleaziest shit and walking out the other end clean”(242-243). He recaps his routine of before hooking up asking about being tested for STDs, views on abortion, if the woman was ok with only a hookup with only giving oral sex to him and “after I’d gotten whatever I wanted, I’d discard her. I’d kick her to the curb, after ravenously feast on her body and heart and spirit. As she sobbed on my shoulder, or, oftentimes, over the phone, I’d sit there with my partly genuine, mostly strategic empathy and, ultimately, remind her, “I told you this before—I’m not ready for a relationship”(243). Further he reflects on really using women after he even knew they “were getting attached”. He felt that telling them there was no commitment or relationship got him off the hook and made him look good(243). Refreshingly, he analyzes himself and deduces that “I realized that I have been prostituting my honesty since adolescence “(243-244)

He comes to terms with his armor of masculinity while walking away from his future wife after learning she had just had sex with her boyfriend (Gomez and her were merely re-initiating contact at this stage). He reflects on his flings that “they [the women] have been the benefactors forced to pay my ego’s hefty tariff—all a means to me returning to my moral high ground and feeding the inflated fantasy I had of myself.” He related how he has forced himself to “end the selfish cycle”. He finds that he “played the contrived role for years, another man of a million masks, treating women like shit to feed my ego. “ He tries to:
“peel away all of this wreckage I once foolishly mistook for armor. Because that’s what it is –wreckage. And men love devastation, the way an addict fiends for a pipe or a needle. It is a yearning for our own destruction, embodying the darkest parts of our despair and hopelessness, mistaking it for our ascension to power. And we confuse the seeking of power for meaning and relevance when it’s only destruction. And then we build up flimsily walls around ourselves out of the rubble from our journey, pretend we’ve escaped the pain and guilt and agony of the stories attached to each artifact. But that’s a lie. I am at a point in my life where I need to remove the clutter and debris, where I need to realize that there is no armor, much less shining shields held by square-jawed knights. It is time to put down our steel. What is outside of us, fastened to our bodies, can never protect us. We are only saved by what is within.
And that is the only way to truly connect and find love—without the masks and armor to hide behind. Like many men, I spent so long guarding what I had inside I nearly missed out on fully connecting with the woman of my life. And I easily could have gone an entire lifetime like that and then died alone in a graveyard of my own making, buried by the debris of my insecurity, defensiveness, and pride. For years, I told myself the armor was there to keep me safe, but, in truth, it was preventing me from fully living. Because there is no aliveness like that shared with a loving partner, both of you stripped bare—as naked, unapologetic, and revealed as the day you were born”(259-260)

He somehow says he felt not worthy of love.(264) Perhaps this came from seeing his parents divorce? He mentions that and moving around as a kid so much as factors(269)

“When the words ‘beautiful’ and ‘I love you’ become like land mines in your life—things to be avoided at all costs—what do we become? How do we not begin to devalue what we have to share with the world?”(265). He even talks about fear of love between him and his male friends and his brother-in-law.
After having a heart to heart with his future brother-in-law whose engagement was on the rocks, his brother in law kissed him on the cheek as they said goodbye and Gomez’s body seized up, though his heart felt love:
“I recognized that day one of the harshest tariffs that comes along with this masculinity I had struggled against: fear of love. Fear of being held and kissed and knowing someone attributes that word to us. We keep our distance because it comes with responsibility and expectation and commitment. There are so many kinds of love, but one thing they all have in common is giving. And there are certain kinds of giving more acceptable to my masculine socialization than others”(267)

With men on the street, strangers, he even senses this hostility towards openness or attention. As he tried to greet his neighbor, he was met with hostility “It was as though my curious glance his way could only be an introduction to combat, as though a gentle grin and soft head nod in his direction were only patronizing or manipulative or part of a conspiracy. That’s what men of color learn of love—conspiracy. It is what we are taught. Anything tender, gentle, affectionate, with arms open is a mirage, a Siren that does not exist, only there to crash our ship on the rocks. It is only there to fool us.”(275).Gomez had wanted to say “I am looking at you. You are here. You are important. Both of us are. Let’s keep it that way. We are each irreplaceable. I don’t want to die today. Do you?”(276). “And then I realized the only conspiracy that existed was in my own perception, in the way I self-sabotaged my own joy and fulfillment by never allowing love in, refusing to accept that any love could be made just for me, that I was meaningful enough for a stranger to notice me on my front stoop and say, “Hello”(276).

He touches on forgiveness in terms of forgiving those who have hurt us and in terms of forgiving ourselves for failing or for being sensitive:
“When men are able to forgive themselves for their emotions and vulnerabilities and their desires for family and love and safety, that’s when we will live in a less violent world. To fill the void of family, there are gangs. To fill the void of insecurity, there are guns and knives and weapons and wars that presidents fight on behalf of their fathers. To fill the void of love, there are women we use like bus stops, like accessories, like junk food.”(295)

He recounts how for years after his parents’ divorce, his father wanted pictures of the kids. One Christmas many years later his sister gives him an album she put together and his Dad cried. “This is my definition of joy—the moment when a person finally lets go, finally forgives him or herself, finally drops the performance and the posturing and acknowledges how similar all of us are who navigate this world, with all of our shared fear and self-consciousness and embarrassment and laziness and courage and beauty and pride and coping…and everything in between”(300).
Indeed it is vulnerability and perceived failure that appears to fuel men’s anger, abuse and violence. He realizes that “In the times I’ve felt worst about myself—when I’ve felt unimportant and ugly and stupid—that’s when I have been most ready to fight. That’s when I wanted to just fuck some random girl, have her suck my dick, and tell her to get out when we’re done. Those moments when I’ve been most down and out, that’s when I cut in line to get on the bus and have less patience and don’t’ look people in the eye.”(304-305). He also talks about consumption as a way to numb the pain (305).

[Katrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

You know that old phrase "don't meet your heroes." Well, last night I met one of my heroes, and as I was walking to my car afterward I thought that if meeting your heroes is a disappointment, perhaps you're making heroes out of the wrong people? When your heroes are people who make careers out of standing up against injustice how can you go wrong, really?

It's impossible, after reading Man Up to see Carlos Andrés Gómez as anything more than human. But what an incredible, insightful, earth-changing human he is. He is a hero. And in my opinion, this whole book is about heroes. It's about the men who are different. The men who are breaking down barriers and breaking rules. This is hidden amongst some pretty appalling stories, but it's there.

Gómez writes that at one point when he was a child his mother realized that he could either grow up to be Hitler, or Ghandi. And it was up to her to help direct him toward one or the other. Whatever she did, I would say it was successful.

And I say this after reading pages of heartbreaks he's caused, people he's hurt. Gómez lays it all out in this book. He describes some of the most horrible mistakes a young man can make. But he isn't asking for forgiveness or lamenting his faults. He's telling the reader he is human. And as a human, he is not on some pedestal. He isn't some god we should worship from afar. I think, in some ways, that makes him more my hero. He wears no mask of celebrity, even though I felt like I was in the presence of a celebrity as I listened to college students around me quote his work before the show began. He is simply... Carlitos. A young man, an amazing poet, a human who is part of this family of humans.

I'm not even sure I can tell you how or why I found his poetry. I can only tell you that his poetry became immediately integrated in me when I first heard it. It became a part of how I think and see the world. It fueled my feminism, my sense of equality and justice.

Gómez has a way of making others see things they don't necessarily want to see. Hard things, like genocide. He can humanize someone that all too many people would dismiss. And he finds these things in every day life.

I said to a coworker, "I'm reading this amazing book. I think you'd like it. It's by this poet." He said, "Wait, first can you tell me what slam poetry is?" I said, "That's what this guy does. He is a slam poet." He said, "Oh, 'cause this slam poet named Carlós something is coming to my school." These moments, when everything comes together and it all means something to each other, this is what Gómez writes about. When the smallest things, like telling a coworker about a book you're reading, turn into a connection.

Someone asked me why I was reading a book about men when I started reading Man Up. "You're a lesbian... and a feminist..." Yes, and this book is for lesbians. And feminists. This book is for our society and I am a part of that. It isn't a hard to understand, deeply poetic piece of literature. It isn't metaphoric and full of hidden messages. Gómez lays it out, easy to understand, easy to follow. It is written in a way that it can be consumed by everyone. And should be.

Man Up is part poetry chapbook, part memoir, part social essay. And it may not give you new insight into masculinity. Perhaps you've considered all of this before. But what this book will do is give you a comrade. It will give you a friend who can help you learn to not just see these things, but to talk about them. Gender, social roles, race, socio-economic status, countries, criminals, hugging, love.

This is a book that will show you where to find heroes you didn't even know you were looking for.

[Jojo · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very entertaining memoir! Despite the title, that is really what this book was, in my opinion. As a woman, I've been pretty curious about the "male perspective." I knew it had to be more than the stereotypical image of a man that society paints. Anyway, in between is a usually emotional poem that that sets the mood for the next chapter. This novel is written in first person and details the different chapters in Gomez's life.

I really liked how honest Gomez was. He didn't gloss over his personal failings or hide his feelings from the reader. He left it to the audience to decide their own opinion, which is a brave thing to do. Aside from that, the writing was superb. It's no surprise, since he's a poet, but you can really see his talent in weaving such descriptive pictures with his words. His thoughts were concise and clear and I could easily understand what he was trying to say. Nothing pleases me more than a book that I can understand!

I'm very specific about the memoirs. I especially don't like ones that try to manipulate your feelings. In a way, Gomez does but his method is so brilliantly subtle, I don't even feel like I'm forced to feel something. I recommend this book to both male and female readers alike. It might resonate better with men but I think women could learn quite a bit things from this book too. However, because of his honest and clear thoughts, this book might not be good material for our younger readers.

Won in a giveaway in return for an honest review

[Tanya · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up last year at the NCTE convention. It looked like something the boys in my class could be interested in. I liked how he breaks down gender norms in society using himself and those around him as examples. Some may say it is a memoir/biography, but it is not linear in any way. It goes more by topics and with that there is some repetition, but not too much. It is confusing at times because I would try to remember what else was going on when he would talk about a particular topic.
Anyway, Carlos is not a perfect being and he lets you know that he used women and did some things to his family that he is not proud of. He tries to do the right thing and learns forgiveness in the end. I guess I was a little put off about his negativity about things that are "American" or "white". They are not perfect as well and maybe they deserve some forgiveness? I think this country has evolved a lot, but it is slower in some places? Is it really a race issue or a class issue? Just because a bad experience was had in one town in Connecticut doesn't mean that everywhere it is like that. You don't want to alienate people. Let them know where you come from, but don't judge.
I also really liked the poems in between the chapters and that Carlos is really trying to use his art to make the world a better place.

[Amelia · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first time I even heard Carlos's name was when I heard a girl perform one of his poems for school. The poem, What is Genocide, is in the book. A little while later I looked him up on YouTube and his performance was shocking in the good way. How he's so passionate and confident, in one of his performances I swear he was close to tears. When you hear his poems it's almost, I think unsettling would be a good word. Mainly because he shines a light on things that some people prefer not to look out. I assumed it would be the same with the book.

I gave the book three stars because there were some things that irked me a little.The main thing I didn't like was he had an entire chapter about his sex life. I think in other reviews someone said something about this, but I dismissed it. There were other things that bugged me a little, like how someone mentioned his parent's divorce popping up, but this book was about his life. To me it seemed one of his biggest obstacles was overcoming the divorce so I took it with a grain of salt.

Overall it's a good read, that I enjoyed and would recommend to people. He does use curse words (it didn't bother me, but some may feel uncomfortable) and tackles issues such as homophobia, racism and abuse.

[Niya · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like Mr. Gomez. I wanted to read this and gain some insight about what it is like for men to struggle with the shifting view and definition of masculinity, to learn about how they negotiate the liminal spaces of sexuality and power and to maybe get a sense of a process, or questions to ask that could possibly assist the men in my life who happen to be struggling with the same experience.
That isn't what I got. Instead, I got a very surface level recollection of the challenges a sensitive young man with some daddy issues who grew up in a culture of machismo faced and partly overcame. While it's refreshing that the author is self aware, it is a bit sad that he doesn't offer much insight into his process or offer more than platitudes. It's worth reading if you're interested in him as a person, but not if you're looking for a substantial explanation of how to crack any sort of code.

[Simone Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just saw Gomez at Busboys and Poets on Wed. He was touring with this book, telling stories from it, performing a few related poems (he's a spoken work/slam poet). I can't wait to read it. It gave me great hope to hear "regular folks" using phrases like "counter-narrative" and "deconstructing gender" correctly and for bettering of their lives!!

He's honest, and funny, and totally serious. Most of the book is about where he fails, where he finds new places to grow.

We need more of that view of failure.

Also, he was careful to say, like 3x, that people in the progressive communities have a desire to be perfect in their multi-acceptance and celebration, where what we're all really doing is growing and mistakes and failure and accidental offense are part of that. Patience and love he counseled, for ourselves, for each other.

Dig it.

[B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inspirational, insightful, intense, and imperative.

Even as a female, Man Up, was a profound experience. It gave a deep look into the social expectations and consequences as well as the truth behind what it means to "be a man." Carlos' experiences gave such meaning and insight into how destructive the strict gender roles can have on both men and women.

Working as an advocate for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, this book gives an imperative look into the other side of the story. As most agencies focus on the female's perspective, it is important that they also see this side, the male side, of the story if there is ever a hope to put an end to this violence and all violence. It is also inspiring that there are men like Carlos who want to put a stop to these injustices.

[Léa Séguin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was at times so very depressing. When he was writing about sex and relationships, I saw some of my friends in him. When he was writing about pride being in the way of allowing yourself to be vulnerable and reach out for help, it not only reminded me of some of the men in my life, but it also painfully reminded me of myself. What does that say about gender? Although reading this book helped me reach a better understanding of what many men go through in terms of identity formation and relationships with women and other men, I could not help but feel this nagging despair. Without awareness, we are all victims of the same social system and some of its byproducts. Men reading this book (or similar ones - written by other men) is a good place to start.

[Virginia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Important for all boys, men, women, mothers of boys, to read. Why is there such a narrow band of acceptable emotions for boys/men? How does that hinder them in life? How does this contribute to patriarchy and misogyny?

More memoir and personal anecdotes than straight up non-fiction and study after study, I found my heart breaking for the kid Gomez was, and respecting the man he has become. I loved the included poems/spoken word pieces he included and may check them out on YouTube.

Very well-written and beautiful. Gomez pulls no punches (especially against himself).

Highly recommend.

[Rick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Written about the crisis of masculinity and how we are raised to be detached and stoic in lieu of authentic and connected. It was a beautiful book. Gomez rips himself open to share and authentically explore his evolution into authentic manhood. It took me years to realize I could define for myself what it meant to be a man. Gomez has given shape and a voice to what I've struggled with for years. A beautiful writer and a brutally honest self evaluation. Just thought I'd share.

[Ashley Elliott Shaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was a great book. Carlos is brutally honest about his experiences and feelings about tons of topics, not just what it means to be a man but many others. this would be a fantastically relatable book for students at college.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most brilliant, insightful book I have read by a man (thus far).

[Julia Amante · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honest look at his life as a Hispanic male. Interesting viewpoints about what it means to be a man and how society interprets male behavior. I enjoyed his stories and especially his poems.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

Powerful and engaging. Anyone who likes his poetry will like this. Those who want to hear the story of a brave person redefining societies limited view of manhood will want to read this.

[Micah Price · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love Carlos Andrés Gómez’s poetry, so I assumed I would also love this book. The copy I got at a thrift store was even autographed! There are many compelling and relatable messages throughout the book. As others have mentioned, though, there is a lot of graphic detail regarding his sex life that I could have done without. At certain points in this book, I got tired of what I felt was self-congratulatory reflection...it’s one thing to express pride (which I heard towards the end of the book), but these narrations felt different to me. Overall, I still admire his poetry and who he is as a human, but this book was somewhat disappointing.

[Dlittle · Rating 2 out of 5]

About this poets life.

[Kylee Schnorf · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just beautiful.

[NCHS Library]

From Follett: American poet Carlos Andres Gomez reflects on his life and his perspective on masculinity and how it has shaped who he is

[behsforensics]

Cutting is for Honest/Clean
By Carlos Andres Gomez

[Rob Freund · Rating 2 out of 5]

One of the significant ways in which our society has changed within the last twenty odd years or so is our conceptualization of gender roles. How individuals of a given identified sex or gender ought to behave, what their goals should be, what they should value, are all part and parcel of the “box of expectations” that are deemed as inappropriate or appropriate. Decades back, a father being sensitive and affectionate to his son would have been frowned upon. Young boys wanting to do something other than play sports would have been labeled as suspicious or odd. Flagrant violation of gender norms would have been (and was) punished until a semblance of conformity was restored or the individual appropriately ostracized from society. (Of course this existed for women too, but this book review regards contemporary masculinity.)

But things have changed. I say this with relief (selfishly) because I myself would never have made it very well fifty or sixty years ago. As a man who enjoys cooking, knows his colors, admits to emotional sensitivity, and has yet to find sports seriously appealing (though I’ve made ground in enjoying hockey and disc golf in recent years) I certainly don’t fit the mold of traditional masculinity. Vestiges of gender prejudice certainly followed me throughout my childhood and adolescence, but I’m relieved and thankful that I was able to come to a point not only of self-acceptance but self-value with regards to these qualities. However, not everyone gets to that point.

That’s where Carlos Andrés Gómez’s "Man Up: Cracking the Code of Modern Manhood" may come in as a helpful read. I first found Gómez’s book as a sort of bibliotherapy resource for a client that was struggling with some narrow concepts of masculinity, which were making his life difficult. "Man Up" is nothing more than Gómez’s biography, and his personal journey from childhood to adulthood, struggling to “be a man” in a world that pressured him to be what he felt to be narrow and insincere. The author is wired for liberality given his parental background and cultural experiences, so in someways he has a head start over other men. Nevertheless, difficulties with paternal modeling and Gómez’s own artistic, sensitive temperament complicated the development of his sense of self.

I think that the value in Gómez’s narrative is that he is in many ways, a stereotypical male. He is a heterosexual son of divorced parents, educated, and able to engage in stable friendships with men and romantic relationships with women. Nevertheless his internal conceptualization of commitment, how men ought to relate to women, and what is appropriate behavior (objectifying women, being ‘tough,’ etc.) is drastically influenced by what you might consider the “Hollywood über man” cardboard cut-out. His biography outlines his discomfort and frustration with this facade, his struggles to confront his own self-sabotage, and a journey towards personal integrity and authenticity. It presents an opportunity for the basic assumptions of masculinity to be examined, and offers the challenge for the reader to consider the true measure of a man.

"Man Up" is a worthy read, but I will offer this caveat; Gómez as a postmodern, secular poet does not shy away from sharing intimate details of his romantic life, nor using language that more conservative individuals might find offensive. From a Christian perspective, I would not hold this up as a book that takes a life of faith into consideration in defining masculinity and presenting new ways of thinking. If you are a Christian, I would suggest exploring alternative options with the same theme that can be congruent with that worldview. Nevertheless, "Man Up" is representative of the larger secular population and has incredible value in that respect for therapists or the average reader.

***This and other reviews/counseling related content may be found on my blog: robfreund.wordpress.com***

[Meg · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. Enjoyed it but sometimes wished I were just watching him perform one of the spoken word poems included in the book rather than reading.

My favorite chapter was "Weakness: The Death of Superman." Quotes:

"You can't beat what makes you weak. You have to respect it and make peace with it. You can't kill it or run from it. You can't punch your way out of a corner, especially when the enemy is inside of your own chest." (p. 194)

"Strong people are the ones who stay alive. If you never ask for help, that won't be you." (p. 195)

[Matt Randolph · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading "Man Up: Reimainging Modern Manhood" has been a transformative and introspective experience for me personally even though it was the story of another man's life. Carlos Andrés Gómez made me think critically about masculinity in the 21st century and I also appreciated Carlos's capacity to consider the intersection of racial identity and gender. In particular, it made me think about how both racism and masculinity work together to dehumanize and devalue men of color in society.

The poems he includes at the beginnings of his chapters allow for a nice balance between prose and creative writing. I bought this book after hearing Carlos perform at a spoken word event at my college. Having already heard his performance in person, I found the poetry even more engaging and powerful.

Of course, while I could identify with the social expectations faced by the author throughout his life, as a gay man, my experience with masculinity was still quite different. Even though I couldn't identify with Carlos's heteronormative identity and experiences, reading this book made me appreciate some of the common social struggles between men regardless of their sexuality. The pressure to "man up" or "be a man" has been a constant in my life as well as that of Carlos.

My biggest takeaway from the book was the chapter "Heroes and Villains" because it made me realize that there is perfection in imperfection. This chapter in particular made me realize that masculinity not only leads men to harm others, but ultimately do a great deal of violence to themselves. As men, we need to accept that we are neither heroes nor villains. Admitting to being a "bad guy" at times in your life does not delegitimize your capacity to be a "good guy." Admitting to making mistakes and owning up to them can be a source of masculinity, rather than a break in it. There is freedom in unburdening oneself of the unrealistic expectation to be perfect, to be manly. We will never be "man enough" but we can strive everyday to be the best we can be. As Carlos said, "I am no hero, nor was I ever. Hopefully, though, I have inspired more waves of good with what I have done than bad."

In summary, even though I couldn't relate to Carlos's experience with manhood 100%, his book forced me to think about my own past and the kind of masculinity I have constructed for myself. I believe a good writer on manhood doesn't try to dictate to you how to live your life as a man. Instead, the author seeks to encourage others to think critically about their own identities and behavior by being honest about his own experiences and revelations. Carlos accomplishes this goal. Carlos's book motivated me to consider how I have been molded (in good and bad ways) by traditional masculine expectations. Ultimately, his memoir put me on the right path to not just be a more authentic man, but a better human being.

The book also helped me think about the need for gender roles at all. Carlos admits that "ultimately, I would love to end the need for gender altogether." But he explains that a more practical approach is expanding the range of possibilities for authentic manhood (giving men more options for self-expression, permission to be vulnerable, etc.).

[Jessica]

Carlos Andrés Gómez wants men to stop acting like Superman.

In his memoir, Man Up: Cracking the Code of Modern Manhood (Gotham), the spoken word poet uses his own personal experiences to show how men should be open to expressing their personal emotions, including crying and asking for help and forgiveness. As he writes:

“I was taught to wipe my tears and steady my expression as a kid. Don’t talk about what’s rumbling inside of your chest. Stay stoic and quiet. It’s part of the unspoken male code. ‘Toughen up, son,’ ‘suck it up,’ ‘man up’ – this is how we learn to process emotion. This is the cause of our emotional illiteracy. No wonder so many men bury their wounds and insecurities in alcohol and drugs and violence.”

Gómez has an interesting background. His father was from Colombia and worked for the United Nations, moving his family around the world when Gómez was young. His mother is a “traditional Southern WASPy American” with a doctorate in linguistics. His parents divorced when he was young, but Gómez earned good grades and served in leadership positions in the high schools he attended on the East Coast. After graduating from the University of Pennsylvania, he worked as a social worker and teacher.

Even more interesting is the chapter called “Sex: F—king, Making Love and F—king Up.” Earlier in the book, Gómez says he’s only slept with six women in his life. But then he describes various encounters of “hooking up” in vivid detail – how Clinton-esque of him. The chapter comes across as self-serving and hypocritical – although he later concedes that he was using “the girls.”

But the book provides some interesting insights and it becomes stronger in the end, thanks to Gómez’s well-written, easy-to-read prose. Take this passage in which Gómez describes how he healed his relationship with his father:

“When I started studying acting at twenty-three it was turning point, and I realized how impersonal all of my poems had been. Why was I so passionate and loud in my delivery of all of them? … And one day it clicked: all of those poems were about my father. I had been getting up on stage for years yelling at my father. These poems had been a vehicle to heal from the hurt I felt from our relationship. From the broken promises and the move and changing schools and the family being split apart, I was screaming with such intensity, making my throat go hoarse, because I wanted to acknowledged. More than anything else, I just wanted to be heard.”

I also enjoyed his poetry – which is included in the beginning of each chapter – and I wished the book included more of his work.

Man Up is a great book for young men to find themselves – and for women to understand a little bit about men.

Note: This review appeared in my blog, The Hispanic Reader (http://hispanicreader.com). I received a review copy from the publisher.

[Hillary · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received this book to read for my work on the Equity and Justice committee at my school. It is certainly important to talk about the issues of men, male identity, men of color, etc. As with women, if men grow up learning to feel more comfortable in their bodies, their minds, more "themselves," if men can access their humanity, the whole world can only benefit.

I have to say I struggled a bit with this book. While the full title is "Man Up, Reimagining Modern Manhood," it's actually mostly a memoir. I was expecting more of a sociological study. Nope, it was the memoir of a fairly young guy who grew up bicultural, but identifies himself as a "light-skinned Latino," his adventures and misadventures and his conclusions about manhood based on his own experiences.

Nothing wrong with that. But it's not a seriously documented and researched paper. It's one person's experiences. And readers should be aware that it gets quite graphic. Nothing is left out: his personal sexual history, his intestinal illness, nothing. It's more like sitting down with this guy, Carlos Andrés Gómez, and having a chat with him. Or rather, listening to his stories.

It took me a while to grasp the structure of the book. Each chapter is about a topic, such as fear, "guys' club" (about sexuality), heroes and villains, etc. In each chapter he tells stories about his experiences with the topic, more or less in chronological order, but what this means is he is constantly retelling yet another middle school- or high school- or college-age adventure. It's like we're reliving his life story each time. The chapters include either a poem or text from his theater work. Starting the book, I really didn't know what to expect and needed some time to sort it out.

Don't get me wrong: What he says is important and people need to hear/read it. The hope is that he can reach people who have impact on boys' lives--parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, etc. His writing is pretty loose and relaxed, more like the spoken word. Another warning: There is a lot of profanity here. It didn't bother me, but it may bother some. Some of the writing seemed clunky and awkward to me, and I had to reread certain sentences more than once to be sure I understood. An example: He's talking about preparing for a show in which he was to present two of his poems:

"The theme of the show was love, with my second poem asked to be about love and betrayal."

Huh?

Still, the message needs to be said. This is an artist, poet, actor who has a voice we should listen to. Just beware that some of this writing is rough. It will make you think--hard--about how we raise boys and the men we as a society create.

[Evelyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was a bit confused by this book. At first, it simply seemed like it would be a book detailing how men are nowadays, why this is, what influences it, and how to "man up" beyond being the tough jock who needs to solve everything with his fists. But, instead it was, in material, more like a memoir: Carlos talks about his story and occasionally tries to apply it to all men- all the ridiculous code words- "alright dude, catch you later man" that they use constantly in conversations as walls and and shields, a sort of code of conduct.
But, in reality, this book consists of three main chapters, various poems the author wrote as well, and his life story told threefold. Every chapter, he goes over a different aspect, accentuating something else every time- his sex life, his aggression, how he thought he was a knight in shining armor compared to the other guys. This was mostly annoying, but a nice change from normal memoirs. But, I honestly got a little tired after he went over, for the fourth or fifth time, the range of emotions that went through his mind the month after his high school sweetheart's breakup with him.
But, as a lover of Psychology and a person who (like the author) loves hearing people's diverse stories, downfalls, and triumphs, this story was pretty decent. I loved looking at the author's actions, perceiving how they effected him and how men think overall based on the author's own findings. But, he also focuses so much on his own story (3/8's Man Up, 5/8's Memoir of Carlos) so I actually REALLY recommend changing this to "Man Up: A Memoir" as people will have trouble distinguishing this from a memoir, a self-help book, and just a general toughen-up-workout book as guessed solely by the title. Really, this book could use a lot of more work in my opinion before being published but- I'll say this time and time again- I'm just a girl reading a book for men.
At points, this seemed simply to be a high school student's memoir: "Then after I broke up with my girlfriend so-and-so, I left for her best friend so-and-so, but she just ended up sucking my dick for a couple nights then parting ways." Meanwhile, at other points it's profound and moving- when the author isn't using curses to accent his points. But, then again, I'm a girl reading a book for men which is still just in ARC copy- what do I know?
So, read the book and decide for yourself. I'm pretty split on this one.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel a lot of different ways about this book. It's interesting and it's fast, and I'd generally recommend it.

Some thoughts:

I'm not a dude, so I am not his target audience.

I don't have any patience for dudes who think ladies owe them blowjobs and they don't owe those nice ladies anything in return. I understand he's pretty clear that he fucked up like that for a lot of years, but if you're in the midst of some serious misandry, you're not going to have the patience for a couple chapters where he details what a douche he was.

This isn't a great piece of literature, but it is nice to read a smart dude's thoughts on addressing the socialized misogyny ingrained in him and really maturing as a person.

It's weird to hear a guy go on and on about how he was socialized not to show weakness or love, but many women (myself included) are frustrated by their own socialization, so while I can't understand his perspective personally, I appreciate that he was brave enough to share it.

Basically, dudes should read this. Ladies in the midst of a bad dating scene or feeling some severe misandrist feelings shouldn't pick it up until they're clear of that headspace because you'll just be mad at him for a lot of it.