Crash: A Mother, A Son, And The Journey From Grief To Gratitude

by Carolyn Roy-Bornstein

After 25 years of caring for children, first as a nurse, then as a pediatrician, Carolyn Roy-Bornstein finds herself on the other side of the stretcher when her 17-year-old son Neil is hit by a teenage drunk driver while walking his girlfriend Trista home after a study date. Trista did not survive her injuries. Neil carries his with him to this day.      Gratitude for her son’s survival ultimately gives way to grief. While initially told Neil’s only injury was a broken leg, Roy-Bornstein quickly finds herself riding in the front seat of an ambulance transporting her son to the ICU at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston; his brain is bleeding.       Roy-Bornstein is now not the patient’s doctor or nurse but his mom. The world she so easily navigates in a white uniform or a white coat now must be traversed, understood, and dealt with from the perspective of a parent.      There are many dividing lines in this story. The line that divides this family’s life in the events that occurred before the crash and those that came tumbling and faltering in its wake. The line that separates grief from gratitude that her son is alive and as whole as he is; grief for his loss of memory and changed personality and for having his whole world shattered in an instant. The line that separates the world Roy-Bornstein knew so well as a doctor from the new one she must now navigate as the parent of a trauma victim. 
     In these pages she explores all of these between then and now, grief and gratitude, before and after, us and them. Her many years as a "medical insider" bring her story authenticity and detail, while her newcomer status as the parent of a trauma victim add poignancy and warmth in this first memoir.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir

224 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2012

About the author

Carolyn Roy-Bornstein's essays and short stories have appeared in many medical and literary journals and anthologies including JAMA, The Writer, Brain,Child, Literary Mama, Kaleidoscope, Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, The Examined Life and several editions of Chicken Soup for the Soul. Her flash fiction won third place in a Writer's Digest Short Short Story competition. She teaches writing workshops at venues from the University of Iowa to Grub Street Boston. Read more at www.carolynroybornstein.com.

Reviews

[StMargarets · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, this puts life into perspective. I picked it up because I was intrigued by how this mother (who is a doctor) handled the trauma of having her 17 year-old son hit by a drunk driver, killing her son's girlfriend and causing brain injury in her son.

This is a horrible story, but the resilience of the author and her family really moved me. I also appreciated how she included her background in medicine and how that helped/hurt her deal with having a loved one in a hospital bed. She also touches on the legal system (the drunk driver was never remorseful and he got a light sentence) and the media's interest in the case.

Since the accident the author has gone on to advocate for more research into brain injuries. Her son did graduate from high school and college, but he was forever changed. The closing of the book contemplates how people philosophize about tragedy - some see it as God's plan, other as random chance that you just have to deal with.

This is very well written and one of those books you just can't put down.

[Donald Stephen · Rating 2 out of 5]

A mother grieving for her son who had a minor change in personality and minor memory lost after an accident. Is that even grief or just being deeply sad? Oh come on.

[Champaign Public Library · Rating 5 out of 5]

After 25 years of caring for children, first as a nurse, then as a pediatrician, Carolyn Roy-Bornstein finds herself on the other side of the stretcher when her 17-year-old son Neil is hit by a teenage drunk driver while walking his girlfriend Trista home. (Trista did not survive.) While initially told Neil's only injury was a broken leg, Roy-Bornstein quickly finds herself riding in the front seat of an ambulance transporting her son to the ICU because his brain is bleeding. Roy-Bornstein is now not the patient's doctor or nurse but his mom. The world she so easily navigates in a white coat now must be traversed from the perspective of a parent. Life is now divided in two: before the crash and after. Grief vs. gratitude: gratitude that her son is alive and as whole as he is; grief for his loss of memory and changed personality and for having his whole world shattered in an instant. In these pages she explores all of these boundaries. Her many years as a "medical insider" bring her story authenticity and detail, while her newcomer status as the parent of a trauma victim add poignancy and warmth in this first memoir. I couldn’t put it down!

[Nanasbug · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having a strong medical background (32 years as an icu and hospice nurse) and being a patient with a very complicated medical history I understood and appreciated the book. Saw so many families and patients struggling this way. Traumatic Brain Injury is something that changes everything for everyone. We need to find better ways to prevent it and better ways to treat it. And as a nurse, we need to remember to talk to families so they truly understand what is happening and what perhaps what may be coming.

[Debbie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book for mothers who have faced tragedies with their children. Clearly describes the helplessness parents feel when dealing with a life threatening accident or illness involving their. Also delves into how families come together to face challenges and adjust to new family dynamics.

[Janet · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent study of a family that has to endure how a drunk driver almost takes their son away.

[Emily Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book did fulfill the title of grief to gratitude. It shows how in a second our lives can change. This book made me think about how we overcome emotional times

[Marie Chow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cut to the Chase:
Just as it was a difficult book to read, this is a tough review to write. In terms of the story being presented: a mother who was a nurse and is now a doctor is trying to learn how to care for her son after a horrific car accident that kills his girlfriend and leaves him with a head injury that changes his personality and memory… it’s compelling and moving. Of course it’s compelling and moving. On the other hand, the writing felt uneven to me: there are sections that are beautifully sparse and sympathetically drawn, and there are other times when it almost feels as though she’s sharing her worst memories just to share them (one particular example of a newborn she treated, though she knew the baby was dying comes to mind). Parts of it do come off a little holier-than-thou, which is tough, because so much of the novel is meant to be her struggling to care for her son (and her son telling her she’s a bad doctor) as a mother as opposed to as a doctor/former nurse. The story is compelling, but the writing and the pacing made it much harder for me to relate to the people.

Greater Detail:
The book starts with the event that divides her life cleanly into two parts: life before the accident, and life after. Her younger son leaves with his girlfriend, walking her home as he’s often done. The walk should take 15 minutes, but the mother doesn’t worry, even when it takes longer, as she assumes he’s merely stayed there to chat with his girlfriend and her mother. She then gets a frantic call from the girlfriend’s mother saying two kids have been hit on Ferry Road, and from then, everything changes.

There are some fantastically real and believable moments (like when she’s trying to convince herself it’s not her kid and almost takes the dog with her, and then realizes, no, if it is her kid, she won’t be able to take the dog to the hospital) but the writing is, at times, difficult and uneven. Some moments get really dragged out. Other times, (like with the newborn story) you almost feel like she’s trying to think of the most heart-wrenching stories she’s experienced as a medical professional and sharing them just to share (and while I think all doctors and nurses have these stories, and they’re probably quite sad and moving, the way they’re presented here, even when I can kind of see the logic, breaks up the flow of the central story).

All of the emotions are very believable: the father, breaking down, relieved to know that his son is still alive; the older brother, rushing back to be at his still-in-ICU brother’s side; the hatred/anger/bitterness that the girlfriend’s family goes through when they discover what happened (mini-spoiler: it was a drunk driver… it would be a spoiler if it were a whodunit plot, but here, it’s just one detail in the family’s journey, and illustrates the worst-case-it-could-happen-to-anyone effect). I found it a difficult book to get through; I knew it would be at turns moving and depressing (see the synopsis), but there were just quirks and pacing and writing things that just kept distracting me from what was already an emotionally difficult story… it was tough to convince myself to keep reading, despite the fact that I really felt for all of the people involved.

Comparisons to Other Authors:
I don’t know that I’ve read enough memoirs to really compare this… I’ve read other caretaker stories (like Alex Witchel’s All Gone), but this is a very different animal. I think I would probably have given this a lower rating if it had been fiction (which is awkward, since she’s a writing teacher and has written many short stories as well), but because the story is true, and compelling, and one of those things that all parents have nightmares about, it can’t help but be affecting. Still, not positive what audience this has unless you have been through a similar situation and use this almost as support-group type information.

[Annette M Guerriero Nishimoto · Rating 5 out of 5]

Today's review is on Crash: A Mother, a Son, and the Journey from Grief to Gratitude by Dr. Carolyn Roy-Bornstein

First and foremost, I have to say that this is the most heart wrenching and heart warming book that I have had the pleasure of reading in a very long time.

A memoir of her son's tragic accident that left his girlfriend dead and him suffering from a traumatic brain injury, Crash takes the reader step by step on Bornstein's and her families grueling road through loss, recovery and acceptance.

Written so well and with such clarity, I could not help but be touched in some way or another from each and every page. Be it the description of Bornstein gasping for breath as she raced to the scene of the accident, the way she explained the fixed and dilated state of Trista's eyes, or the joy she felt when hearing Neil tell her that he "jumped", I was right there emoting along beside her.

Tragedy can happen in anyone's life at any given point, a concept many teens do not understand. It's something that we, as their parents don't want to think about either, but it is something that does need to be addressed. No one is indestructible. The alarming number of teen deaths due to drinking and driving, drugs, or suicide should be proof enough of that, but many times it just isn't. I wish that someone like Neil or his family could have spoken at my high school. Perhaps then, three of my classmates would still be alive today, all taken to early because of someone driving under the influence of alcohol.

An AMAZING Book that should be a part of any teen's library. I know I'll have my own two read it.

5 of 5 stars
Available at Amazon

Book Description: via Amazon



After 25 years of caring for children, first as a nurse, then as a pediatrician, Carolyn Roy-Bornstein finds herself on the other side of the stretcher when her 17-year-old son Neil is hit by a teenage drunk driver while walking his girlfriend Trista home after a study date. Trista did not survive her injuries. Neil carries his with him to this day.

Gratitude for her son’s survival ultimately gives way to grief. While initially told Neil’s only injury was a broken leg, Roy-Bornstein quickly finds herself riding in the front seat of an ambulance transporting her son to the ICU at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston; his brain is bleeding.

Roy-Bornstein is now not the patient’s doctor or nurse but his mom. The world she so easily navigates in a white uniform or a white coat now must be traversed, understood, and dealt with from the perspective of a parent.

There are many dividing lines in this story. The line that divides this family’s life in two: the events that occurred before the crash and those that came tumbling and faltering in its wake. The line that separates grief from gratitude: gratitude that her son is alive and as whole as he is; grief for his loss of memory and changed personality and for having his whole world shattered in an instant. The line that separates the world Roy-Bornstein knew so well as a doctor from the new one she must now navigate as the parent of a trauma victim.

In these pages she explores all of these boundaries: between then and now, grief and gratitude, before and after, us and them. Her many years as a "medical insider" bring her story authenticity and detail, while her newcomer status as the parent of a trauma victim add poignancy and warmth in this first memoir.

[Alexandra Grabbe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone who watched the Democratic Convention could not help but be moved by Gabby Giffords as she minced her way across the stage and led the Pledge of Allegiance, so obvious was it that her recovery from a bullet to the brain is still a work in progress. Most of us know little about traumatic brain injury, a medical condition discussed a lot these days in the media with regard to concussed football players and wounded soldiers returning from Afghanistan. I already knew a little bit about the subject from having observed a friend over the past four years: her son had suffered a skateboard accident that took place on the Fourth of July, a date that made immediate transport to Mass General by helicopter impossible. Crash, Carolyn Roy-Bornstein’s new memoir, offers us all a crash course on traumatic brain injury. The narrative begins with an accident: two teenage sweethearts, on a dark deserted country road, are hit by a drunken driver. One dies. One survives with a broken leg and a brain bleed. How injured is Neil? Will his personality change after the brain injury? Can he adjust to the loss of his girlfriend? Will he be able to realize his dream of becoming a teacher? From the first page, I was caught up in the story, poignantly related by Neil’s mother. The fact that Roy-Bornstein is a doctor herself, at ease in emergency rooms, makes Crash all the more compelling. “I felt that the hospital, my medical community, was failing us,” she writes at one point. I could visualize the author during Neil’s first surgery, seated in a hospital cafeteria where she “salted” her soup “with tears.” She never gets maudlin, or vindictive, although the parents of both teenagers did their best to keep the drunk driver in prison. I learned traumatic brain injury is much more common than I had realized (one and a half million people in the USA suffer from brain injury every year), and that survivors often struggle with depression. One can only admire the author’s courage at tackling such a difficult subject, one not easy to write about lyrically. Crash: A Mother, a Son, and the Journey from Grief to Gratitude leaves readers more aware than ever before of how precious life is.

[Mmtimes4 · Rating 3 out of 5]

After 25 years of caring for children, first as a nurse, then as a pediatrician, Carolyn Roy-Bornstein finds herself on the other side of the stretcher when her 17-year-old son Neil is hit by a teenage drunk driver while walking his girlfriend Trista home after a study date. Trista did not survive her injuries. Neil carries his with him to this day.

Gratitude for her son’s survival ultimately gives way to grief. While initially told Neil’s only injury was a broken leg, Roy-Bornstein quickly finds herself riding in the front seat of an ambulance transporting her son to the ICU at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston; his brain is bleeding.

Roy-Bornstein is now not the patient’s doctor or nurse but his mom. The world she so easily navigates in a white uniform or a white coat now must be traversed, understood, and dealt with from the perspective of a parent.

There are many dividing lines in this story. The line that divides this family’s life in two: the events that occurred before the crash and those that came tumbling and faltering in its wake. The line that separates grief from gratitude: gratitude that her son is alive and as whole as he is; grief for his loss of memory and changed personality and for having his whole world shattered in an instant. The line that separates the world Roy-Bornstein knew so well as a doctor from the new one she must now navigate as the parent of a trauma victim.
In these pages she explores all of these boundaries: between then and now, grief and gratitude, before and after, us and them. Her many years as a "medical insider" bring her story authenticity and detail, while her newcomer status as the parent of a trauma victim add poignancy and warmth in this first memoir.GR description

Another good memoir. It is well written with details to make you feel for the victims and their families without being bogged down in medical terms. It inspires me to read how people overcame horrible circumstances that are thrown at them.

[Karna Converse · Rating 4 out of 5]

crash is a poignant reminder of how quickly one’s life can be turned upside down and a heartening look at how one family turned it right side up.

I can't write much now, as my full review will be posted in December at both the Internet Review of Books and Literary Mama ... but I'll share this:

Neil Bornstein is walking his girlfriend, Trista, home shortly after dinner on a cold Tuesday night. They’re hit from behind by a speeding car that’s crossed the center line. The drunk driver continues down the street, flips the car a few hundred feet later, and attempts to run away.

crash is a mother’s memoir but equally importantly, it’s a call to action every parent should hear. The story is filled with a sadness no parent should ever have to endure, and I imagine books of this nature could easily be filled with anger and hatred -- their pages plastered with police reports and photos from the accident scene and the victim’s childhood. Instead, Roy-Bornstein takes the high road -- and that outlook kept me turning pages.

Readers will want to carve out an entire evening to savor Carolyn Roy-Bornstein’s story and to contemplate the meaning of grace.

[Pr Latta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read as bibliotherapy - I was reading this when we were trying to decide whether or not our son should return to college after his TBI. It helped me process (and frankly, relive) the early days of his survival. Strong points are the ICU sections and then the long term challenges (acute rehab didn't resonate as much with me as some other books) of which we are now in the midst. I probably should re-read! A theme that did not pertain to us was dealing with the legal (and media) related issues of accident. It is probably a little too close to home for readers still sitting in the ICU. And painful for those families whose loved one did not make the admirable recovery Neil did.

For health care workers, a useful review is at: http://www.absame.org/annals/ojs/inde...
Trauma / ICU staff might benefit from reading this to remind them of the family's perspective and experience.

[Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. Dr. Roy-Bornstein is my children's pediatrician and we live next to the town where this all took place, so I had heard a lot about this book. I am so glad I did, because it is an incredible story of a mother's love, families being tested, the ignorance people have about teens and alcohol, the unjustice of our justice system and the journey of a young man and his family to get his life back.
Having been chronically ill for years, I can strongly relate to the concept of the "before and after" life. It is depressing and lonely to mourn for the person you once were and to feel you constantly let others down in not being that person anymore.
I hope that every parent will read this book. That every parent of a pre-teen or teen will make their children read this book. I would love to see it as required reading in the schools.

[Alma · Rating 4 out of 5]

In 2003, when Roy-Bornstein’s son Neil was 17 years old, he and his girlfriend Trista were run over by a drunk driver and left for dead. Trista died from her injuries, while Neil sustained a severely broken leg and a fractured skull.

Read the rest of my review at: http://shouldireaditornot.wordpress.c...

[Literary Mama]

It only takes an instant-- a heartbeat really—for one’s world to change.
crash offers readers an intimate look at one such moment that occurred in January, 2003. The book is a mother’s memoir but equally importantly, it’s a call to action every parent should hear.

Read Literary Mama's full review of Crash here: http://www.literarymama.com/blog/arch...

[Áine Greaney · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir draws the reader in right from the first lines. It's my favorite kind of memoir--intelligent voice, a wonderful blend of personal narrative, medicine and family history. It also teaches the rader about traumatic brain injury, the risks and the sometimes misunderstood symptoms and fallout.

[Sheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very thought provoking. You can have a lot of empathy for situations such as this, but you have no clue how differently it effects all family members. To read about the loss to both families and to see what it would be like to be a doctor/mother and helping a loved one through their recovery. It makes you think maybe there are times when it's better not to know so much.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read both fictional accounts of a teen car accident tragedy in Elin Hilderbrand's Summerland and Kristin Hannah's Night Road, but this non-fiction piece that takes place right here in Massachusetts was so sad. A good read for all.

[Tammi]

See my blogpost; http://aintiawriter.blogspot.com/

[April · Rating 2 out of 5]

This story of a mothers grief after her son is involved in an accident and suffers a head injury had the potential to be beautifully told. The author is the mother who is a doctor, not a writer.

[Mlsnell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well written.

[Allison Wonderland · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful<3 how truly inspirational and heart touching. It's amazing the story you shared.

[Debbie Desotell]

very good! I don't know if I could have done what she did!

[Mskathy1031 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful regarding traumatic brain injuries, inspiring

[Mfly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yay Carolyn!

[Laurie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Seemed to ramble a little.

[Arnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

it was pretty good