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Gönüllü Çocuksuzluk: Aileyi Baştan Tanımlayan ve Yeni Bir Bağımsızlık Çağı Yaratan Hareket
Gönüllü Çocuksuzluk-Aileyi Baştan Tanımlayan ve Yeni Bir Bağımsızlık Çağı Yaratan Hareket, çocuksuz aile ve birey kavramlarını odağına alıyor. Hayatın akışında çocuk sahibi olmanın “normal”, olmamanınsa bir şekilde “uygunsuz” olarak algılandığı toplumlarda, kendi iradeleriyle çocuksuz bir hayat sürdüren ailelerin karşılaştıkları tepkileri, haklarındaki önyargıları, bu önyargıların arkasındaki motivasyonları ve aslında çoğunun ne denli yanlış ve yersiz olduğunu ortaya koyuyor. Amy Blackstone, çocuk sahibi olmama kararının da tıpkı olma kararı kadar doğal olduğunu, bu kararı alan insanların bencil damgası yemelerinin haksızlık olduğunu ve aslında genel kanının aksine gönüllü çocuksuzların da çocukları sevdiklerini, hatta onlara çocuklu ailelerden daha fazla zaman ve imkân tanıyabildiklerini hem kendi deneyimlerinden yola çıkarak hem de bulgulara dayanarak anlatıyor. Aynı zamanda aile, kadınlık, cinsiyet, cinsel yönelim, politika, feminizm gibi alanlara da değinerek geniş bir çerçeve çizmeyi amaçlıyor.
“Ebeveynlik herkes için biçilmiş kaftan değildir. Bunda utanacak bir şey yok. Aksini ileri süren kültürel mesajların yaygınlığına rağmen, ebeveynlik herkes için tatmin edici bir yaşamın anahtarı değildir. Ebeveynlerin bile tatmin olmak için ebeveynlikten fazlasına ihtiyacı vardır. Bazılarımız içinse ebeveynlik tatmin denkleminin hepten bir parçası değildir."
“Ebeveynlik herkes için biçilmiş kaftan değildir. Bunda utanacak bir şey yok. Aksini ileri süren kültürel mesajların yaygınlığına rağmen, ebeveynlik herkes için tatmin edici bir yaşamın anahtarı değildir. Ebeveynlerin bile tatmin olmak için ebeveynlikten fazlasına ihtiyacı vardır. Bazılarımız içinse ebeveynlik tatmin denkleminin hepten bir parçası değildir."
278 pages, Paperback
First published June 11, 2019
164 people are currently reading
4561 people want to read
About the author
Amy Blackstone
3 books20 followersAmy Blackstone is a Professor of Sociology at the University of Maine.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 242 reviews
January 17, 2020
Never have I heard such a thorough examination full of research, data, and personal stories from all ages and sexual orientations on why men and women get judged, belittled, and considered less-than for being childfree.
Women probably catch more flack because somewhere, somehow our value has been solely tied to our vaginas instead of our individuality. Dr. Blackstone puts forth such a well-researched treatise from which we can draw our knowledgable conclusions. My conclusion? We, as a society, can do better.
But this book is more than all that--it breaks down the societal roles and contributions of both parents and non-parents through a historical and scientific lense.
This book reads like Freakonomics; it's accessible and full of interesting, historical insight into the world we find ourselves today. Parenting isn't just a logical, unquestioned next step for everyone--it's a choice. End stop.
Women probably catch more flack because somewhere, somehow our value has been solely tied to our vaginas instead of our individuality. Dr. Blackstone puts forth such a well-researched treatise from which we can draw our knowledgable conclusions. My conclusion? We, as a society, can do better.
But this book is more than all that--it breaks down the societal roles and contributions of both parents and non-parents through a historical and scientific lense.
This book reads like Freakonomics; it's accessible and full of interesting, historical insight into the world we find ourselves today. Parenting isn't just a logical, unquestioned next step for everyone--it's a choice. End stop.
July 18, 2019
I am not a fan of Taylor Swift’s, but I think many times she gets unfairly criticized. No, I’m not talking about the whole thing Kim and Kanye or her copying/ripping off of Beyoncé, I’m taking about comments about her personal life. She’s not married. She can date as few or as many men as she wants. Also, people need to stop asking her about her womb. It isn’t our business. I mean, do they ask men about their ball sacks?
I am an unmarried and childfree woman and for years, I have been asked questions about my womb. It’s nice to know that my reactions to the question and the response to my answer are not things that just I experience.
Blackstone’s first book isn’t perfect. She cites and uses endnotes. She uses up to date studies. At times, though, I found myself wishing there were a bit more studies, a bit more interviews. Sometimes this was because I read the source she was referring to, sometimes because I just wanted more. This isn’t Blackstone’s fault – there are, I believe, fewer studies. And sometimes it few like a list of this is what the interviewee said.
Yet, speaking as a woman who doesn’t who have children, it was refreshing to read this and to see that one is not the only. And it does offer a rebuke to those who think the childfree people are some how lesser than. Along the way trends in family structure and child reading are discussed.
While the book is very general, at times Blackstone does give more information and direct the reader to other sources. This is particularly about black childfree people and less so about men. Even though the afterword is provided by Blackstone’s husband Lance, I found myself wishing there was a bit more about men. This isn’t to say that Blackstone doesn’t give space to men, she does, I just wanted a bit more.
A good informative read.
I am an unmarried and childfree woman and for years, I have been asked questions about my womb. It’s nice to know that my reactions to the question and the response to my answer are not things that just I experience.
Blackstone’s first book isn’t perfect. She cites and uses endnotes. She uses up to date studies. At times, though, I found myself wishing there were a bit more studies, a bit more interviews. Sometimes this was because I read the source she was referring to, sometimes because I just wanted more. This isn’t Blackstone’s fault – there are, I believe, fewer studies. And sometimes it few like a list of this is what the interviewee said.
Yet, speaking as a woman who doesn’t who have children, it was refreshing to read this and to see that one is not the only. And it does offer a rebuke to those who think the childfree people are some how lesser than. Along the way trends in family structure and child reading are discussed.
While the book is very general, at times Blackstone does give more information and direct the reader to other sources. This is particularly about black childfree people and less so about men. Even though the afterword is provided by Blackstone’s husband Lance, I found myself wishing there was a bit more about men. This isn’t to say that Blackstone doesn’t give space to men, she does, I just wanted a bit more.
A good informative read.
November 2, 2020
A blend of personal experiences and sociological research--Childfree by Choice is a compelling look at the pressure women (and particularly married women) face to fit into society's view of what a woman should become. A mother.
Since I am completing my doctorate in I/O psychology, I actually already knew some of Amy Blackstone's research. Particularly her work on sexual harrassment and gender in the workplace have been key readings I've done in school. But I have to admit when I picked up this book I didn't put together that this was written by that Amy Blackstone, which made it all the more exciting when I read it! She is an incredible researcher and woman, and I encourage you to look into other research she has done if you are passionate about women and issues women face in the work place.
In this book, Blackstone debunks many of the myths and stereotypes that surround families, women, and our role in society. Women who make the choice to not have children face separate issues from women who hope to have children and are unable to conceive. They are often looked at as cold or delusional. The number of times they hear "that will change when you are older/meet the right person/[enter reason here", when the reality is that many women find their lives completely full not having children.
A blend of academic research and personal narratives, this is a fantastic book for those who are making the same choice or who seek to learn more about why society pressures women to have children and why some women choose not to.
Thank you to Dutton for my copy. Opinions are my own.
Since I am completing my doctorate in I/O psychology, I actually already knew some of Amy Blackstone's research. Particularly her work on sexual harrassment and gender in the workplace have been key readings I've done in school. But I have to admit when I picked up this book I didn't put together that this was written by that Amy Blackstone, which made it all the more exciting when I read it! She is an incredible researcher and woman, and I encourage you to look into other research she has done if you are passionate about women and issues women face in the work place.
In this book, Blackstone debunks many of the myths and stereotypes that surround families, women, and our role in society. Women who make the choice to not have children face separate issues from women who hope to have children and are unable to conceive. They are often looked at as cold or delusional. The number of times they hear "that will change when you are older/meet the right person/[enter reason here", when the reality is that many women find their lives completely full not having children.
A blend of academic research and personal narratives, this is a fantastic book for those who are making the same choice or who seek to learn more about why society pressures women to have children and why some women choose not to.
Thank you to Dutton for my copy. Opinions are my own.
January 12, 2020
The book tackles the “taboo” choice of not wanting to have children.. The author spoke from different point of views and I salute her courage and opinions.
الكتاب بيتكلم عن العوائل الي ماعندها رغبة في الانجاب و منظور المجتمع لها و التحليلات النفسية وراء كل طرف.. لغة الكتاب متوسطة و أتمنى من كل قلبي انه يترجم للعربية
الكتاب بيتكلم عن العوائل الي ماعندها رغبة في الانجاب و منظور المجتمع لها و التحليلات النفسية وراء كل طرف.. لغة الكتاب متوسطة و أتمنى من كل قلبي انه يترجم للعربية
April 10, 2019
Solid, a little bit too political correctness and virtue signalling with the language used. An interesting subject to me, on a pretty personal level but a very big emphasis on how mean people with kids are to people who choose not to procreate. People are mean if you breathe wrong. Not really worth crying over honestly. Thank you to the publisher for the opportunity to read this pre-release, all opinions are my own.
August 5, 2019
I really enjoyed this book. Couldn’t put it down, actually. Even though I already have a childfree mindset, I loved having all of my ideas and frustrations (as well as other arguments that I hadn't considered before) presented in such a coherent and engaging way. More than that, I like that Blackstone isn’t trying to coerce or preach - she simply presents information and data in a thoughtful way.
June 11, 2019
Childfree by Choice is a thoughtful, timely, and engaging look at what it means to be a family. As growing numbers of women and men create their lives without choosing parenthood, this sociological research helps us understand the meaning and context for those decisions. Childfree by Choice combines many sources of existing data with original research to illuminate and break down common myths about the childfree. Through dispelling these common assumptions, Dr. Blackstone highlights the tensions and misunderstandings that perpetuate these myths and provides new insight into important conversations about women’s and men’s roles in work life and family life.
Shining a light on the widespread myth that the aging population can (or should) rely on adult children for caregiving, this work continues the ongoing conversation about how else we and our social institutions can support each other as we age. Though not the primary focus of the book, this example illustrates how strongly held and unquestioned many of our beliefs about families are, a point that is carefully made throughout the book. In addition, Dr. Blackstone’s work highlights the many ways assumptions about ‘proper’ roles for women and men feed into the mythology of parenthood and myths about the childfree.
Drawing on original research, existing data on shifts in economic and sociodemographic patterns, and her observations from decades of childfree marriage with her husband Lance, this book is a great resource for readers interested in contemporary social trends, for students of gender, family, and the social sciences more broadly, and for those looking for context for their own decision-making about the families we choose and being childfree (hint: you’re not alone!).
Shining a light on the widespread myth that the aging population can (or should) rely on adult children for caregiving, this work continues the ongoing conversation about how else we and our social institutions can support each other as we age. Though not the primary focus of the book, this example illustrates how strongly held and unquestioned many of our beliefs about families are, a point that is carefully made throughout the book. In addition, Dr. Blackstone’s work highlights the many ways assumptions about ‘proper’ roles for women and men feed into the mythology of parenthood and myths about the childfree.
Drawing on original research, existing data on shifts in economic and sociodemographic patterns, and her observations from decades of childfree marriage with her husband Lance, this book is a great resource for readers interested in contemporary social trends, for students of gender, family, and the social sciences more broadly, and for those looking for context for their own decision-making about the families we choose and being childfree (hint: you’re not alone!).
August 25, 2024
I am writing this review the day after Senate Republicans blocked a bill that would have expanded the child tax credit, which had the potential to help millions of families struggling at or below the poverty line. Nearly two weeks ago, comments and tweets made by J.D. Vance, author of the bestselling memoir Hillbilly Elegy, the junior senator from Ohio, and the man chosen by Donald Trump to be the Republican candidate for vice president, evince a hardline, ultraconservative, pro-natalist worldview, one rooted in a misogynistic, masculinist, Christian ethos that echoes the nightmarish dystopia of The Handmaid’s Tale. Vance’s apoplectic claims that the United States is being run by “childless cat ladies” who are taking out their loneliness and frustration on society should mobilize all progressive and centrist voters against the GOP ticket. Vance, Trump, and their ilk believe that if all women would just get married, pop out a dozen babies and submit to their husband body, mind, and spirit, they’d be much happier, and the nation would prosper.
Backlash to feminism and women’s increasing economic and political power are not new. But in 2024, two years after the Dobbs decision, which effectively overturned Roe v. Wade, animated debates over if, when, and how women and men procreate have resounded throughout every corridor of the nation, from the Senate floor to social media and beyond. Without a doubt, we live in a staunchly pro-natalist society, and those of use who make the conscious, considered choice to live childfree lives receive sneers, scorn, and abuse regularly. Childfree by Choice is not the first book validating the decision many people make not to have children. Yet it lays out, in clear, precise rhetoric, the myriad reasons people from all walks of life choose to life childfree and debunks the folklore about parenthood and childfree life that fuel the sanctimony of some and the fear of others.
In some ways, Amy Blackstone’s book is a rejoinder to Brad Wilcox’s book Get Married, a conservative text aimed at extoling the virtues of marriage for evangelicals and scolding those of us who conduct our marriages in different ways, or choose to eschew marriage altogether. Examining voluntary childlessness from social, political, historical standpoints, Blackstone adroitly knocks down all objections the J.D. Vances and Tucker Carlsons of the world have to childfree lifestyles. We are not selfish, we are not decadent, and we are not unpatriotic. Through both quantitative and qualitative research, she reveals that childfree couples and individuals are far from the sad, bitter, selfish, and regretful people some many individuals think we are.
In this book, individuals from various age groups and socioeconomic tiers candidly discuss their choice to opt out of parenthood, citing reasons as varied as disdain for the labor and financial strain concomitant with parenthood and a loss of other opportunities. Instead, they choose autonomous lives filled with adventure, leisure, activism, contemplation, creativity, affluence, spontaneity, and good sex. Fears of aging alone are valid, but Blackstone correctly responds to such claims by pointing out that having children and grandchildren is no guarantee that a person won’t be lonely in their golden years. Throughout the audiobook, I found myself drifting off, not because the book was boring but because I was affirming Blackstone’s work, which cosigns my own choice to be childfree.
The cultural demand that everyone who is capable of having children by any means now extends to gay men and lesbians, and as a gay man I know that aside from biological factors, one of the reasons I’m gay is that I knew I didn’t want to have children long before I knew I was gay. What Blackstone’s book doesn’t discuss is the way parenthood functions within the gay community, with children, particularly those who are conceived through IVF, functioning as status symbols among celebrities and other wealthy gay men. I’m grateful to live in a society that now gives me the option to be a parent, but I’m even more grateful that my husband and I decided to remain childfree. Childfree by Choice provides a level-headed response to the rampant pro-natalism that has engulfed the nation and serves as a handy philosophy for those readers looking for words and research to affirm their childfree life.
Backlash to feminism and women’s increasing economic and political power are not new. But in 2024, two years after the Dobbs decision, which effectively overturned Roe v. Wade, animated debates over if, when, and how women and men procreate have resounded throughout every corridor of the nation, from the Senate floor to social media and beyond. Without a doubt, we live in a staunchly pro-natalist society, and those of use who make the conscious, considered choice to live childfree lives receive sneers, scorn, and abuse regularly. Childfree by Choice is not the first book validating the decision many people make not to have children. Yet it lays out, in clear, precise rhetoric, the myriad reasons people from all walks of life choose to life childfree and debunks the folklore about parenthood and childfree life that fuel the sanctimony of some and the fear of others.
In some ways, Amy Blackstone’s book is a rejoinder to Brad Wilcox’s book Get Married, a conservative text aimed at extoling the virtues of marriage for evangelicals and scolding those of us who conduct our marriages in different ways, or choose to eschew marriage altogether. Examining voluntary childlessness from social, political, historical standpoints, Blackstone adroitly knocks down all objections the J.D. Vances and Tucker Carlsons of the world have to childfree lifestyles. We are not selfish, we are not decadent, and we are not unpatriotic. Through both quantitative and qualitative research, she reveals that childfree couples and individuals are far from the sad, bitter, selfish, and regretful people some many individuals think we are.
In this book, individuals from various age groups and socioeconomic tiers candidly discuss their choice to opt out of parenthood, citing reasons as varied as disdain for the labor and financial strain concomitant with parenthood and a loss of other opportunities. Instead, they choose autonomous lives filled with adventure, leisure, activism, contemplation, creativity, affluence, spontaneity, and good sex. Fears of aging alone are valid, but Blackstone correctly responds to such claims by pointing out that having children and grandchildren is no guarantee that a person won’t be lonely in their golden years. Throughout the audiobook, I found myself drifting off, not because the book was boring but because I was affirming Blackstone’s work, which cosigns my own choice to be childfree.
The cultural demand that everyone who is capable of having children by any means now extends to gay men and lesbians, and as a gay man I know that aside from biological factors, one of the reasons I’m gay is that I knew I didn’t want to have children long before I knew I was gay. What Blackstone’s book doesn’t discuss is the way parenthood functions within the gay community, with children, particularly those who are conceived through IVF, functioning as status symbols among celebrities and other wealthy gay men. I’m grateful to live in a society that now gives me the option to be a parent, but I’m even more grateful that my husband and I decided to remain childfree. Childfree by Choice provides a level-headed response to the rampant pro-natalism that has engulfed the nation and serves as a handy philosophy for those readers looking for words and research to affirm their childfree life.
December 4, 2020
What a whole load of crap, and yet it was a fascinating read.
I respect everyone's right of choice, but what the author is trying to do is convince the reader (or herself) that having children means a low quality of life - financially, socially and even emotionally, at least compared to those who decided against having children.
The book is repetitive and to a big extent delusional.
We might all have the right of choice, but it seems to me that people who have children are in a better position to compare, simply because they have been on both sides. Everything else just looks like a desperate attempt to prove your self-worth. And it feels a bit desperate.
For even if we live in a world where everybody judges, nobody really cares. Life is to be lived, not explained.
I respect everyone's right of choice, but what the author is trying to do is convince the reader (or herself) that having children means a low quality of life - financially, socially and even emotionally, at least compared to those who decided against having children.
The book is repetitive and to a big extent delusional.
We might all have the right of choice, but it seems to me that people who have children are in a better position to compare, simply because they have been on both sides. Everything else just looks like a desperate attempt to prove your self-worth. And it feels a bit desperate.
For even if we live in a world where everybody judges, nobody really cares. Life is to be lived, not explained.
October 17, 2019
I wanted to like this book better. I really did. It seemed to be made up mostly of study findings (which were interesting at times) and childfree people reaffirming that it's okay the choice that my husband and I have made.
I don't want kids. My husband and I don't plan to have kids. My friends and coworkers may have kids. And that's okay. Either choice is okay. I shouldn't have to feel that my choice is invalid or that I'm "less" of a human being. This book collects people from around the world of various ages who have chosen to be childfree. It's very liberating.
I don't want kids. My husband and I don't plan to have kids. My friends and coworkers may have kids. And that's okay. Either choice is okay. I shouldn't have to feel that my choice is invalid or that I'm "less" of a human being. This book collects people from around the world of various ages who have chosen to be childfree. It's very liberating.
May 5, 2019
Excellent Premise. Good yet flawed effort. As an introduction to the childfree movement and its history, this book serves as a solid primer for anyone who does not know either or both of these topics. As someone who is childfree and is active in various levels of working within the childfree community, I had *very* high hopes for this book. Unfortunately this book just had too many flaws to rate it any higher than the three stars I decided to give it. For one, it makes scientific claims using only sociological evidence. Which is perhaps allowed in the author's own background in the humanities and specifically sociology, but this reader is a trained scientist with a math and computer background. The book also tries to back up many of its claims with studies that often have only a couple of dozen participants or less - again, perhaps a valid tactic in sociological research circles, but in the statistical analysis world more familiar to this reader would be laughed out of even a bachelor's level statistics class. Also, while the book is titled referring to the entire childfree movement, its arguments and discussions are almost entirely from the female perspective, and even when the male perspective is included it is more often denigrated as too small to study or present. Finally, all of these combine to leave the severe impression of a major case of confirmation bias on the part of the author - even from someone predisposed to trying to see this book in the best possible light and wanting it to succeed in order to help bring light to an aspect of his own life.
Overall a solid yet flawed effort, and highly recommended despite the flaws - the conversation it presents is truly that critical, and the book does a genuinely adequate job of at least opening that conversation.
Overall a solid yet flawed effort, and highly recommended despite the flaws - the conversation it presents is truly that critical, and the book does a genuinely adequate job of at least opening that conversation.
February 5, 2024
All the people quoted added up to - what felt like - the same person. I enjoyed the history bit at the start about what families used to be like and what children signified throughout history, but then it got US and couple-focused and kind of numbing. I also wish the lives of childfree women without partners were further explored. Maybe I was just looking for a different kind of book... one with a more global view, that dives into historical circumstances and tells the stories of a range of different women instead of citing academic interviews.
January 30, 2020
As long as I can remember, I’ve never wanted to have kids. Even as a child, I was certain of it. But, I thought maybe adults knew something that I didn’t. So, I decided that if I did eventually understand this mysterious compulsion as an adult, I would adopt a child. Cuz...hey, there were dozens of orphaned kids on the street already. A child’s logic.
At 37, I still haven’t changed my mind. I’ve experienced many flavours of questions & judgments. “You’re selfish”, “You’re making an unnatural decision”, “You owe it to your family”. And my personal favourite - “But you’re so good with kids! You’ve got to have one!” I’ve always loved hanging out with kids and gravitate towards the kiddie group at any social gathering. I stop to coo at babies when I’m walking on the street. But I’m usually asked to explain why that doesn’t automatically make me want to have kids of my own.
Dr Amy Blackstone does a comprehensive job of visiting all the myths surrounding childfree people’s lives. Like the one where childfree people are all baby haters or incompetent with kids. While Dr Blackstone explores how it is still socially acceptable to judge what women decide to do with their womb, she also constructs a good historical narrative of how we arrived here. The chapter that shows the interaction between perceptions of other discriminated-against groups like coloured people, atheists & LGBT people plus their decisions on child bearing was fascinating.
While I understand why some reviewers are keen for even more studies & research, there is likely not much more. Given the relatively new rise of a childfree choice in society, I’m amazed Dr Blackstone has linked to that many multi year research studies already.
As someone whose personal choices are often not mainstream choices, I could relate to the underlying foundation of the book - personal freedom. “It’s not that I don’t fit very well into the system, it is that the system doesn’t fit me very well”
At 37, I still haven’t changed my mind. I’ve experienced many flavours of questions & judgments. “You’re selfish”, “You’re making an unnatural decision”, “You owe it to your family”. And my personal favourite - “But you’re so good with kids! You’ve got to have one!” I’ve always loved hanging out with kids and gravitate towards the kiddie group at any social gathering. I stop to coo at babies when I’m walking on the street. But I’m usually asked to explain why that doesn’t automatically make me want to have kids of my own.
Dr Amy Blackstone does a comprehensive job of visiting all the myths surrounding childfree people’s lives. Like the one where childfree people are all baby haters or incompetent with kids. While Dr Blackstone explores how it is still socially acceptable to judge what women decide to do with their womb, she also constructs a good historical narrative of how we arrived here. The chapter that shows the interaction between perceptions of other discriminated-against groups like coloured people, atheists & LGBT people plus their decisions on child bearing was fascinating.
While I understand why some reviewers are keen for even more studies & research, there is likely not much more. Given the relatively new rise of a childfree choice in society, I’m amazed Dr Blackstone has linked to that many multi year research studies already.
As someone whose personal choices are often not mainstream choices, I could relate to the underlying foundation of the book - personal freedom. “It’s not that I don’t fit very well into the system, it is that the system doesn’t fit me very well”
December 1, 2023
I've known since I was young that I never want to have children.
I clearly remember thinking when I was in about middle school that having kids was just "what you do" and dreading the day that I would eventually "have to". As a literal CHILD, I was already stressing out about raising a kid and completely terrified of the idea of being pregnant. Some of the stress lessened as I learned about adoption - maybe if I HAD to have a kid, I wouldn't have to birth it myself? But I was still just absolutely dreading growing up because I was so adamantly opposed to having to take on that responsibility.
One day it clicked: this was optional. Some people didn't have kids - and that was just okay? Mind-blowing. I quickly decided that I never wanted that.
I was 15 then. I'm 30 now. That's half my life spent knowing without a doubt that I never wanted to be pregnant or raise a child. That's longer than any relationship I've ever been in or any friendship I've ever had, and if that knowledge itself was a child it would be in high school. I'm getting to the age where many of my friends have kids or want to eventually. I wholeheartedly support them and honestly, it's fun seeing the antics they get up to. I just do not ever, ever want that for myself.
So three months ago, I had a procedure done called a bilateral salpingectomy to make sure it won't ever happen.
I've had to be careful about who I tell this to, because the biggest thing I've learned in the last 15 years is that people can get VERY weird about women not wanting to have kids. They act like this decision is weird, unnatural, selfish, attention-seeking, or just otherwise morally wrong in some way. Getting my tubes removed has been INCREDIBLY eye-opening. There are some people in my life who I haven't told, and don't know if or when I will, because it's easier for our relationship if they don't know. It is WILD how much of an effect this one single decision that I made for MYSELF can seemingly have on other people and their perspective of me.
As I get older, it feels like people see me differently when I say I don't have or want kids. I'm lucky to live in a place like Seattle where it's met with significantly fewer weird looks and confused stares, and that I was able to get my surgery done extremely easily with no major barriers. I do not think this would be the case if I still lived in Florida (or in many other parts of this country). One of the weirdest and most aggravating responses I get when people find out I don't want kids is "well what does your husband think???" what on earth do you think I'm going to say to that you absolute buffoon. Like "oh he actually doesn't know haha!" Do you think I would have married him if we didn't agree on this MASSIVE decision??
But anyway. This is a book review, not my therapy session.
All this to say - reading this was an extremely validating and affirming look at these reactions and my experiences as a childfree person. It's FULL of really valuable and interesting research, insights and stats, though I imagine that a huge majority of the folks who read this will view it as confirmation bias. I can't imagine many parents wanting to read this book, though I do wonder what such a perspective would look like.
For what it's worth, I think Dr. Blackstone does a great job of presenting multiple sides of childfree issues and opinions. Though this book is obviously focused on a specific perspective, she doesn't leave out results that are unfavorable towards childfree folks, or those that show parenthood in a positive way just to prove a point. This book isn't trying to convince people to be childfree - it's exploring those who already are, and the consequences, struggles and joys that come out of that choice. It shares interviews and perspectives about positive and negative parts of having no children by choice. It's a look into all the common misconceptions about CF people and seeks to prove that we are not a monolith (we don't all hate kids!!! I just don't care about most of them!!!!). She also dives into some stats and interviews with LGBT childfree people, people of color without kids, and other diverse groups that have different experiences. It's a really comprehensive look at the many reasons people choose not to have kids and how that ends up affecting their lives.
There's also a lot of emphasis on supporting all types of families, not just those with kids. She points out early on that when something is marketed as "family-friendly", it usually actually means "kid-friendly". The common theme throughout the book of recognizing all different types of family units was something I really appreciated, and definitely made me rethink some of the language I use and how I think of families. Reading about the different types of support groups people have outside of having kids was really inspiring, and made me grateful for my own circle.
Overall I just was really fascinated by this book and enjoyed it a lot. I left more highlights and notes in this book than anything I've read before - maybe I'll publish a few of the good ones. This also made me realize how lucky I am that I have a supportive circle of close friends (including some with kids!) who support my choice with no judgement, plus a wonderful husband who is happy to share the DINK lifestyle with me.
Like I said, I think this book is largely for an audience of folks who are already childfree, and I doubt that many parents or folks who want kids would enjoy this. But at its heart, this book seeks to prove that everyone, childfree or not, has something to gain by supporting individuals and families of all types - regardless of whether they choose to have children.
And if you ever want to hear about all the reasons I decided to never have kids, do ask - I've got a lengthy list.
PS: my secret as a childfree woman is that I LOVE baby clothes. The little onesies with attached feet that look like animals... are you kidding me?
I clearly remember thinking when I was in about middle school that having kids was just "what you do" and dreading the day that I would eventually "have to". As a literal CHILD, I was already stressing out about raising a kid and completely terrified of the idea of being pregnant. Some of the stress lessened as I learned about adoption - maybe if I HAD to have a kid, I wouldn't have to birth it myself? But I was still just absolutely dreading growing up because I was so adamantly opposed to having to take on that responsibility.
One day it clicked: this was optional. Some people didn't have kids - and that was just okay? Mind-blowing. I quickly decided that I never wanted that.
I was 15 then. I'm 30 now. That's half my life spent knowing without a doubt that I never wanted to be pregnant or raise a child. That's longer than any relationship I've ever been in or any friendship I've ever had, and if that knowledge itself was a child it would be in high school. I'm getting to the age where many of my friends have kids or want to eventually. I wholeheartedly support them and honestly, it's fun seeing the antics they get up to. I just do not ever, ever want that for myself.
So three months ago, I had a procedure done called a bilateral salpingectomy to make sure it won't ever happen.
I've had to be careful about who I tell this to, because the biggest thing I've learned in the last 15 years is that people can get VERY weird about women not wanting to have kids. They act like this decision is weird, unnatural, selfish, attention-seeking, or just otherwise morally wrong in some way. Getting my tubes removed has been INCREDIBLY eye-opening. There are some people in my life who I haven't told, and don't know if or when I will, because it's easier for our relationship if they don't know. It is WILD how much of an effect this one single decision that I made for MYSELF can seemingly have on other people and their perspective of me.
As I get older, it feels like people see me differently when I say I don't have or want kids. I'm lucky to live in a place like Seattle where it's met with significantly fewer weird looks and confused stares, and that I was able to get my surgery done extremely easily with no major barriers. I do not think this would be the case if I still lived in Florida (or in many other parts of this country). One of the weirdest and most aggravating responses I get when people find out I don't want kids is "well what does your husband think???" what on earth do you think I'm going to say to that you absolute buffoon. Like "oh he actually doesn't know haha!" Do you think I would have married him if we didn't agree on this MASSIVE decision??
But anyway. This is a book review, not my therapy session.
All this to say - reading this was an extremely validating and affirming look at these reactions and my experiences as a childfree person. It's FULL of really valuable and interesting research, insights and stats, though I imagine that a huge majority of the folks who read this will view it as confirmation bias. I can't imagine many parents wanting to read this book, though I do wonder what such a perspective would look like.
For what it's worth, I think Dr. Blackstone does a great job of presenting multiple sides of childfree issues and opinions. Though this book is obviously focused on a specific perspective, she doesn't leave out results that are unfavorable towards childfree folks, or those that show parenthood in a positive way just to prove a point. This book isn't trying to convince people to be childfree - it's exploring those who already are, and the consequences, struggles and joys that come out of that choice. It shares interviews and perspectives about positive and negative parts of having no children by choice. It's a look into all the common misconceptions about CF people and seeks to prove that we are not a monolith (we don't all hate kids!!! I just don't care about most of them!!!!). She also dives into some stats and interviews with LGBT childfree people, people of color without kids, and other diverse groups that have different experiences. It's a really comprehensive look at the many reasons people choose not to have kids and how that ends up affecting their lives.
There's also a lot of emphasis on supporting all types of families, not just those with kids. She points out early on that when something is marketed as "family-friendly", it usually actually means "kid-friendly". The common theme throughout the book of recognizing all different types of family units was something I really appreciated, and definitely made me rethink some of the language I use and how I think of families. Reading about the different types of support groups people have outside of having kids was really inspiring, and made me grateful for my own circle.
Overall I just was really fascinated by this book and enjoyed it a lot. I left more highlights and notes in this book than anything I've read before - maybe I'll publish a few of the good ones. This also made me realize how lucky I am that I have a supportive circle of close friends (including some with kids!) who support my choice with no judgement, plus a wonderful husband who is happy to share the DINK lifestyle with me.
Like I said, I think this book is largely for an audience of folks who are already childfree, and I doubt that many parents or folks who want kids would enjoy this. But at its heart, this book seeks to prove that everyone, childfree or not, has something to gain by supporting individuals and families of all types - regardless of whether they choose to have children.
And if you ever want to hear about all the reasons I decided to never have kids, do ask - I've got a lengthy list.
PS: my secret as a childfree woman is that I LOVE baby clothes. The little onesies with attached feet that look like animals... are you kidding me?
October 23, 2019
This was an interesting read for me as a woman who has five kids but has many loved ones who are childfree (whom I've always wholeheartedly supported in that choice).
Parts were difficult to read, because Blackstone almost seems to have a need to tell us why those of us who do want kids are wrong and how miserable we all are once we have them. I'm not at all sorry to have my kids, and I suffered nearly a decade of miscarriages before I was able to have them. I don't agree with her assertions that we're more depressed, have a lower quality of life, etc. I'm not sure who she feels the need to tell this to so often. Maybe to reassure her readers that they've made the right choice? To convince others to join her? I don't know, but even though I'm on her side, by the end of the book I just flatly disliked her because she put down my side so much.
The book is well researched and interesting. I had no idea how many women (yes, this book focuses mostly on straight, white, middle class women) have made the decision to be childfree throughout history. I think she only sees the ones who are very much like her, ones who decided with their partners that they didn't want kids and never wavered. Several of my best friends came to the choice after painful soul searching, making the decision in order to stay in partnerships with spouses who said they would not have kids and it was a deal breaker if my friends wanted them. Those friends did choose to be childfree, but not in the same way she did and not as easily. This book is focused only on those women who always knew that they absolutely did not want children. Since the author and her husband run a blog for people who are joyfully and defensively (I'd say, judging from the quotes she shares in the book) childfree, I think she sees this group disproportionately and thus focuses on them disproportionately.
This was an interesting read but I don't know that it will offer anything new to those who already made this choice and it's likely to put off those who make different choices.
I read a digital ARC of this book for the purpose of review.
Parts were difficult to read, because Blackstone almost seems to have a need to tell us why those of us who do want kids are wrong and how miserable we all are once we have them. I'm not at all sorry to have my kids, and I suffered nearly a decade of miscarriages before I was able to have them. I don't agree with her assertions that we're more depressed, have a lower quality of life, etc. I'm not sure who she feels the need to tell this to so often. Maybe to reassure her readers that they've made the right choice? To convince others to join her? I don't know, but even though I'm on her side, by the end of the book I just flatly disliked her because she put down my side so much.
The book is well researched and interesting. I had no idea how many women (yes, this book focuses mostly on straight, white, middle class women) have made the decision to be childfree throughout history. I think she only sees the ones who are very much like her, ones who decided with their partners that they didn't want kids and never wavered. Several of my best friends came to the choice after painful soul searching, making the decision in order to stay in partnerships with spouses who said they would not have kids and it was a deal breaker if my friends wanted them. Those friends did choose to be childfree, but not in the same way she did and not as easily. This book is focused only on those women who always knew that they absolutely did not want children. Since the author and her husband run a blog for people who are joyfully and defensively (I'd say, judging from the quotes she shares in the book) childfree, I think she sees this group disproportionately and thus focuses on them disproportionately.
This was an interesting read but I don't know that it will offer anything new to those who already made this choice and it's likely to put off those who make different choices.
I read a digital ARC of this book for the purpose of review.
March 29, 2024
Reading for TFD book club, and my own interest aa well.
Very good 3 1/2 stars. But I might have lost something in the audio version.
I have never married or had children. I can't believe the way these people have been treated or the questions strangers and doctors have asked.
I wanted to have a big career and I did. I might not taken i
Very good 3 1/2 stars. But I might have lost something in the audio version.
I have never married or had children. I can't believe the way these people have been treated or the questions strangers and doctors have asked.
I wanted to have a big career and I did. I might not taken i
November 27, 2022
Interesting read. As a childfree woman, it’s validating to read other people’s experiences and feelings about not having kids, in a world that still questions this choice.
It was also captivating to read about the research/studies made about this community.
People should be able to be free to choose if they want or not want to have children, without judgment.
People should stop asking others “when are you having kids?”.
It was also captivating to read about the research/studies made about this community.
People should be able to be free to choose if they want or not want to have children, without judgment.
People should stop asking others “when are you having kids?”.
November 8, 2021
The book dragged on. I think that the examples from real interviews added value, but too much of the book was taken up with one example after another. I think I would have enjoyed the book if more of the examples had been edited out, reducing the number of examples by about 50%.
January 31, 2023
This book was filled with great data on the social pressures people, especially women, face to have children and the backlash when they choose not to. I absolutely agree with the premise of the book that everyone should be able to make their own decision that’s best for them in regards to having or not having children. However, one thing I was a bit bothered by was when discussing what is fulfilling to those who are childfree, it felt a bit surface level. Things like being able to go out for drinks after work or travel whenever you want (which lets be real you can’t always do this when childfree either). I feel like some of these ideas perpetuated the myth of childfree people not having as much fulfillment. But to each their own!
September 4, 2020
In a time where parents and non-parents are constantly pitted against each other by the media, this book is sorely needed. It has a strong opening, engaging with the philosophy, sociology and politics behind the evolution of parenthood and birth control. It talks about 'pronatalism' and its relationship to nationalism as well as eugenics. Honestly I'd be happy to see an entire book on this. I suspect that non-parents are much more likely to want to engage in deconstructing these concepts, given that we literally don't have skin in the game.
That said, this is a book that is valuable to any parents who have childfree friends and relatives - though research is limited, we have far more in common than society will have us believe. Most childfree people really like having kids around and happily contribute to the life of children in their community in myriad ways - and the ideal of the nuclear family (a relatively new concept) stifles this.
There is so much to like about this book and I think any childfree person should read it - if only for the comforting findings around ageing - specifically that childfree people are no more likely to end up in institutionalised aged care.
Some of the stuff around labour and the workplace is rather US-centric, and sometimes I feel the author goes a bit far in the direction of appeasing to parents. I think the author makes a decent attempt to include Black women's perspectives, but I'd be keen to hear more from migrant and other POC childfree writers, particularly around cultural pressure to have children.
That said, this is a book that is valuable to any parents who have childfree friends and relatives - though research is limited, we have far more in common than society will have us believe. Most childfree people really like having kids around and happily contribute to the life of children in their community in myriad ways - and the ideal of the nuclear family (a relatively new concept) stifles this.
There is so much to like about this book and I think any childfree person should read it - if only for the comforting findings around ageing - specifically that childfree people are no more likely to end up in institutionalised aged care.
Some of the stuff around labour and the workplace is rather US-centric, and sometimes I feel the author goes a bit far in the direction of appeasing to parents. I think the author makes a decent attempt to include Black women's perspectives, but I'd be keen to hear more from migrant and other POC childfree writers, particularly around cultural pressure to have children.
May 12, 2019
This book is wonderful and so needed. I think it should be a must-read for parents and non-parents alike.
January 2, 2020
Just awfully dull and whiny. Might've liked it if I was still 23 with a lot of opinions about things I had no direct experience with.
July 11, 2021
This is a really enjoyable, accessible, science-based exploration of the choice to be childfree. It’s part myth-busting (no, those of us who don’t have kids aren’t selfish, emotionally immature monsters), part celebration (living a fulfilled life that’s in line with your values feels good), and part attempt at reconciliation (parents and non-parents share a lot of the same outlooks and concerns). While I appreciated the focus on remaining non-defensive when addressing the insistence that there must be something wrong with childfree people, I confess that sometimes I did find myself wanting a stronger reaction to the microaggressions and outright harassment that so many of us receive. Overall, though, a great read!
November 23, 2023
Visoje knygoje jaučiasi didelis negatyvas, "childfree" asmenys bandomi vaizduoti tarsi diskriminuojama visuomenės dalis, šeimos turinčios vaikų - kultūrizacijos pasekmė. Vietoje childfree šeimų "upliftinimo" ir gyvenimo įprasminimo alternatyvų ieškojimų jos tiesiog supriešinamos su tradicinėmis šeimomis.
Skundžiamasi dėl atskirų eilių šeimoms oro uostuose, svarstant atostogas teikiant pirmenybę auginantiems vaikus, nes "hey, čia jų sprendimas, tai tegul patys ir tvarkosi su pasekmėmis" (pamirštant, kad tie patys vaikai visuomenėje mokesčiais išlaikys viešąjį sektorių).
Na, ir evoliucinei teorijai prieštaraujančios citatos kaip "It would seem that the basic human desire operating is sexual rather than reproductive. Reproduction is simply the more or less inevitable result of sexual activity" / "Replicating - product of our culture"
Skundžiamasi dėl atskirų eilių šeimoms oro uostuose, svarstant atostogas teikiant pirmenybę auginantiems vaikus, nes "hey, čia jų sprendimas, tai tegul patys ir tvarkosi su pasekmėmis" (pamirštant, kad tie patys vaikai visuomenėje mokesčiais išlaikys viešąjį sektorių).
Na, ir evoliucinei teorijai prieštaraujančios citatos kaip "It would seem that the basic human desire operating is sexual rather than reproductive. Reproduction is simply the more or less inevitable result of sexual activity" / "Replicating - product of our culture"
October 9, 2021
This book is strongly evidence-based, citing many research studies in support of its assertions. That, combined with honest and warm-hearted anecdotal evidence, makes this book a persuasive window into the childfree choice, welcoming all kinds of readers with its rational, non-defensive tone. At the same time, Blackstone doesn't minimize the hurt and loneliness that childfree people face when they speak openly about their choice. Focusing on debunking myths and advocating for everyone's freedom to make a life that works for them, Blackstone gives food for thought and a kind of gentle manifesto in favor of a more inclusive definition of family.
If you're looking for a treatise on how to make the world a more welcoming place for everyone, this book may interest you.
If you're looking for a treatise on how to make the world a more welcoming place for everyone, this book may interest you.
October 29, 2022
This book is a must for everyone. Whether or not you have kids, don't have kids, want kids, don't want kids- this book speaks beyond the topic of children and demonstrates just how deep the thread of family in our society goes and how our views of each other based on these deeply entrenched social norms can and do divide us. A fabulous and eye opening experience.
February 24, 2025
A little surface level and a little repetitive, but a decent primer for such a big subject. Affirming nonetheless!
I think this book could’ve benefited from chapters specifically focusing on: heteronormativity, the nuclear family, capitalism, pronatalism (in depth), healthcare and fertility access in the US, and the wealth gap.
I think this book could’ve benefited from chapters specifically focusing on: heteronormativity, the nuclear family, capitalism, pronatalism (in depth), healthcare and fertility access in the US, and the wealth gap.
April 19, 2021
As a woman who has never had any interest in birthing children, but who has always received negative comments about it, I was comforted to find this book. It’s very well-researched, but (to my delight) it didn’t tell me much of anything that I didn’t already know.
December 30, 2022
3.5/5
January 23, 2023
I liked this book for its compilation of so much data, it’s historical overview of the perceptions of the childfree, and for its work in normalizing having children or not.
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