UPDATE: Came back here specifically to demote my rating from 1/5 to 0.25/5.
I am enjoying being evil, thank you Goodreads for this quality of life feature :D
"She needs Jesus"
My brother in Christ and every other religion: what I need is closing this book before I light it on fire.
Let me preface my (scathing) review with this:
A. I'm not a Christian
B. I'm not a romance girlie
So the chances of me enjoying "Glendale"? Non existent.
I still gave it a go because it was a book club pick, and I'm not 100% evil (only 99%).
I grew up in a religious household – a religious SOCIETY. Not Christians, but I reckon religion-fueled hypocrisy is universal. All I've ever seen was religion being weaponized for the benefit of select groups (namely men) at the expense of others (namely women). And after finally letting go of my shackles? I still believe faith is a wonderful thing even though I myself never experienced it; mine was a sham and I believed only because it was the "norm" around me. Don't come at me with tales of how God is saving you — whether you're telling the truth or are in denial: I believe you. Does not change the fact that this review is gonna be from my very personal point of view.
Let's cover some basics.
- The writing style is decent: makes the pacing fast at the very least.
- 99% of the dialogue is small talk, and I for one abhor small talk. I literally don't give a shit about the weather being nice or how delicious Mrs Colby's lasagna is. Where's the damn plot?
- If you remove the religious aspect, it feels like I've seen this story about a thousand times before. It reads a lot like all the 2000's teen movies I watched growing up. Which means one thing: I'm currently way too old for this shit.
- The characters are hilarious (for all the wrong reasons).
Now onto the more serious matters.
Spoilers ahead, if you care.
I know I don't.
I think the whole purity narrative is ridiculous. Often used to guilt trip women and control their bodies (see how men with high body counts are celebrated whilst women with the same body count are slut-shamed), I was pleasantly surprised it was pushed onto a male character for once, not a female one. Until I realized what was happening. Jessi — who, let's be clear, is a spoiled little shit that wears high heels to grab a soda at 7-Eleven (wtf???) — basically represents sin. Beyond being a teenager with raging hormones, she's here to play the temptress that will stray poor little baby Joe away from daddy Jesus by forcing him to have SEX. Bleh! Harlot! Burn her at the stake! Or better yet: introduce her to Jesus. Because that's all she really needs: Jesus. She's so unloved and God loves all; Joe just needs to date her so he can tell her all about it and save her from herself. I am absolutely disgusted not only by the preachiness of it all, but also the fact that we're not addressing the real issues. Jessi mentions wanting to have sex because all her girl friends have already done it. Does she feel the need to copy others for validation? Is this a desperate attempt at filling up the void created by the distance with both her parents? Is she seeking love in misguided ways because she lacks the self-esteem to do it within healthy means? Is she even READY, physically and mentally, to have sex? None of this is ever questioned. Apparently Jessi just wants to "give the gift of her virginity" to Joe. Which is another thing that pisses me off to no end. The whole discourse around purity and virginity is a damaging social construct. You're not GIFTING away anything. This is YOUR. BODY.
So unless you're literally putting a bow on your hoo-ha: shut the fuck up.
I also felt uncomfortable at the way Joe points out, multiple times, how much control he has over Jessi. Major red flag. He says it himself: she's vulnerable, and desperately needs someone to hold on to because she doesn't feel loved and secure. Sounds to me like Jessi's the perfect prey for manipulators. And you see her express it a lot, the fact that Joe is basically the center of her universe. "I don't believe in God, I believe in YOU." Icky? As pure as Joe pretends to be, I'm reading his behavior a bit differently: the way he uses this relationship's unbalanced power dynamic to push his religion onto her ("to SAVE heeeerrrrr") is not very Jesus-friendly, me says. Even an agnostic such as myself can recognize you're full of shit, baby boy.
Caught the not-so-subtle digs at abortion on chapters-whatever. Yawn.
And can we stop insulting the dad's new girlfriend and her huge boobs? She's not fully innocent but the gratuitous body shaming is irritating. HE cheated. HE kicked you out of your home. HE is dumb enough to ask you to attend their wedding. Leave HER tatas alone.
While we're here, let's talk about the parents. I notice Jessi's family is painted as this absolute mess where the mom is too absorbed by her own pain and her job to really consider her daughter, and the dad is... well, a narcissistic asshole. Meanwhile, Joe's family is perfection. Everyone is present and so goddamn happy. Is this commentary on how Christian families are superior due to their faith? It seems the author here, being quite religious, really struggles to imagine what goes on in non-religious families, and especially in the minds of non-religious people. It would explain why she insists on whoring Jessi so much. I imagine this is what she thinks goes on in the minds of atheists: just a long list of impure thoughts about seducing others in a bikini. Meanwhile, the Christians are shown to help the homeless because they're real people who deserve some help (duh?). I'm not saying any of these depictions are necessarily untrue, but the obvious contrast makes me tick. There's good AND bad on both sides. Yet we cherry pick what to show on either to create a very specific narrative. There's even a quick political comment that tells me which party the author associates with.
Honestly, the jokes write themselves.
Cherry on top: Joe suddenly initiates sex with Jessi in an unhinged attempt to get her pregnant so her dad can't take her away from him, and so they can be together forever and ever and ever and ever.
I am NAUSEOUS writing this. He's 18, and she's 16, which makes everything worse, but no matter the age: what in the fucked up co-dependent bullshit is happening? And now she's actually saying 'no'. And he insists, and she says 'yes', which still sounds like a 'no'. Even afterward, Jessi thinks it's her own fault if Joe "betrayed God." So she leaves. And he freaks out saying that now that she "got what she wanted" there was no reason to stay. Just kill me at this point. Are we still defending this guy? I literally just watched the Obsession movie, and Joe's behavior disturbingly ressembles that of Bear (derogatory).
This is so bad it's giving me a headache. Bad, HARMFUL messages all over these pages. I cannot understand why this is considered a romance at all, but then again, Colleen Hoover exists.
Author's note: "I wrote Glendale during my senior year of high school." HA. Yeah this makes so much sense now. I'm so happy the crappy books I wrote as a teenager are going to stay where they belong: rotting on an old disk drive.
"Glendale" should've done the same.
TLDR: Call me a woke-libtard-lunatic-leftist, because I don't think Jessi needs Jesus. With all the vultures surrounding her? She needs fucking therapy (and Joe does too).