Okay everyone, I've finished the first of the 40 cent Christopher Pike teen thriller paperbacks I bought at Bramble Books a while back, and I, naturally, have a bulleted review for you!
FALL INTO DARKNESS
- This is the story of Sharon, a teen on trial for the murder of her best friend, Ann. It seems that Sharon pushed Ann off a cliff, even though there are no eyewitnesses, no physical evidence, and most importantly, no body. So... real strong case for the D.A. here.
- Ann's last name is Rice. Ann Rice. A horror author seemingly unironically killed a woman named Ann(e) Rice in his book.
- HAHAHAHAHA, and her brother's name is Jerry. Jerry Rice.
- Good Lord, they describe the D. A. as a despicable human being just because she has the nerve to be physically unattractive.
- The hotshot lawyer's (Pike's words) opening statement boils down to him basically snap-pointing at the jury and saying "Maybe she didn't do it!"
- There are two HARD drug use references in the prologue. Let's just let those tweens know what they're getting into right up front.
- Hotshot lawyer is a public defender, which is why I find the amount of legwork he did on this case to be completely insane. On-site visits, knocking on the doors of witnesses and talking to them casually, performing illegal searches and seizures. Sharon is getting the real Michael Petersen treatment here, for free.
- Maybe when I was a teen this didn't bother me as much, but I can't tell you how uncomfortable it is to read two teens trying to drop sexual innuendo on each other for 4 straight paragraphs. I mean, to express sexual frustration, Sharon complains that even male mosquitoes won't bite her chest. WOW, dude.
- Quote "His voice was as weak as an owl with laryngitis..." WHAT? Why not a caterpillar with laryngitis? A Madagascar day gecko? Owls are pretty resonant to begin with, so I have no idea how weak or not-weak this character sounds right now. Pike, help me out here!
-I can't help but feel that Pike was lazy about his character name choices: Ann, Sharon, Jerry, Paul, Chad, John...
- PLOT UPDATE: We now know that Ann wasn't murdered, but instead planned to throw herself off the cliff all along to frame Sharon for her murder. Why? Because Jerry (Rice) killed himself last summer, and Ann blames Sharon for the suicide (long dumb story). Since she can't prove her suspicion, she'll stage her own death, effectively sending Sharon up the river one way or the other.
-Ann has this whole thing planned. She wears a harness under her clothes, and stashes a rope up at the top of the cliff. She specifically takes a walk with Sharon on a moonless night while the guys stay back at the campfire. Ann yells "DON'T!" before hurling herself over the side. Criminal mastermind?
- So, look, Pike comes off as a bit of a goober when he's writing dialog, but I have to hand it to him... the scene of Ann jumping off the cliff was some genuinely good writing. There. Gold star.
- As courtroom procedurals go, this book is especially egregious. Hotshot responds to the D.A.'s objection by yelling "Shut up!" at her, before badgering a witness - who has no legal representation - into confessing something he isn't on trial for.
- To keep the titillation meter pegged, the public defender is now implying that Sharon should pay him in... certain favors. I suppose teens weren't supposed to know that defendants don't pay public defenders at all.
- Back to Ann's daring plan. You guys, it's BONKERS! When I first read that she was jumping off a cliff with a rope tied to her, I figured she'd be going down about 25 feet and dangling for a while before sneaking away. NOPE!
- She got a running start, leapt into nothingness, and let 450 feet of rope spool out behind her before snapping to a dead stop. This young woman would be toothpaste in a jacket at this point.
- Also, what kind of ship cordage did she use to withstand that kind of snapping strain? And did she carry that massive weight to the top?
- There's a throwaway line here meant to prove how tough Ann is. "She routinely refused Novocaine when getting fillings." Like, holy crap, which Little Shop of Horrors dentist is on board with THAT plan? Which insurance company will roll with an adult practitioner drilling a child's teeth without pain management? And where are her parents? Off to the side boiling water behind their covered wagon and pouring her two fingers of rye?
- She's not done falling yet guys! She switches ropes, falls another 50 feet, then lands in only 10 feet of water. You can't even go off a diving board elevated 24 inches off a pool deck without the water being 12 feet deep, so again, I am assuming Ann's already shattered body has now been fully atomized.
- Now she's talking about winding up 500 feet of wet rope and carrying it to her car!
- Yes, I'm having way too much fun fact-checking a 28-year-old teen paperback.
- So, Pike did at least make her injured somewhat after her fall. She's bleeding badly from her head and has a broken arm.
- Another quote "She must not weigh as much without her blood." Let's be generous here and say she lost 3 pints. That's a difference of three pounds. Easily made up by the drowning weight of her clothes, the harness, and her down jacket which have all been waterlogged after her plunge.
-Oh man, the twist has arrived! Jerry (Rice) didn't kill himself after all! It was this obsessed stalker who did it. And he did it all because he's in love with Ann. And now Ann realizes she's about to frame her best friend for murder for no reason, but she can't warn Sharon, because the stalker has her trapped on a rope bridge with a knife.
- The metaphor of the book right here, folks: "She felt as if the man in the moon was putting out his cigar between her eyes." Pike, where do you come up with these wonderfully zany analogies? Have we reached the poetry coffee house portion of the book?
- Yadda, yadda, yadda, time passes, Sharon is acquitted, innocent dude is arrested, and crazy stalker takes Sharon on a romantic walk to the SITE WHERE HER BEST FRIEND ACTUALLY DIED.
- Yep, Ann's dead for real, crazy stalker guy did it, Sharon finds the body, and now the chase is on.
- I feel like Pike's publisher gave him permission to use 10 curse words in the book, and he's cashing them all in for the finale.
-Sharon and stalker make it to the top of the same cliff, stalker tries to push Sharon, but she lowers herself down onto a ledge below. There's a fight, they both almost fall several times, and finally the crazy stalker proves his craziness by jumping to his death, leaving an eerily familiar crime scene behind.
- Next scene: Sharon is in the back of a police car again, this time going up for the murder of the stalker. The cops think she's a serial killer, and the book ends with her wondering what kind of rapey situation she'll find herself in with her - again - public defender who wishes to be paid in sex.
THE END!
I guess I should come up with a rating system... I'm going to give this book 3 screaming skulls out of five. The scene of Ann jumping gets two skulls on its own, and the 20-gambit pileup at the twist where Ann and stalker both come to realize their respective insanities gets the other skull.
Two skulls taken away for the ending which I'm pretty damn sure was lifted wholesale from one of the lazier Twilight Zone episodes.
Also, I seem to recall Christopher Pike enjoying the downer ending. I wonder if I'm in for more.