Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Only when you and your mate know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can you give yourselves freely and lovingly to one another. Boundaries in Marriage gives you the tools you need. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning bestseller Boundaries, show you how to apply the principles of boundaries to your marriage. This book helps you understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in your marriage -- and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy you both long for.

Genres: Marriage, Relationships, Nonfiction, Christian, Self Help, Psychology, Audiobook

253 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1999

About the author

Dr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.

As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.

Reviews

[Shellie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, thankfully, never once advises you to light candles, wear a red dress and stand on a chair clapping when your husband walks in the door. I have read plenty of those books and I appreciate that if someone’s relationship is feeling “stale”, those techniques might work to “spice things up a bit.” But if we’re using baked goods analogies here, many relationships could use a lot more help than just a little cinnamon spice or a layer of creamy frosting. Any relationship that has been around for a while has mold under the frosting.

Cloud even says that “date nights” are great, but date nights don’t go so well if the people on the date are still feeling hurt, stubborn, and unloving. (This is my paraphrase of his words, but the point is: fix the core issues first, people, before scheduling that 10-day trip to Barbados with someone you don’t even like anymore!)

The authors talk about how some people go to their workshops or read this material and think that boundaries mean they are drawing lines and setting consequences and if the spouse doesn’t change, that’s it! I, too, began this book cutting and pasting everything about setting boundaries with your spouse into a Word document that I would later tell my husband because he needed to hear it. But—something happened to me about halfway into it. My approach of “what can my spouse work on to improve our marriage” finally, finally, shifted to: “what can I do differently for my marriage.”

True, I can speak up about my feelings and wishes for our marriage and clarify guidelines about the daily operations. But I also need to change my heart. According to Cloud, failure (to follow each other’s rules, respect each other, etc.) is not the cause of divorce. A hardened heart is the cause of divorce.

Once I read this, my highlighting of passages became more centered on steps I can take to unfreeze my heart, be vulnerable again, and communicate clearly. I became so excited that I called my husband into our room held his hand and sat facing him while I explained what I had learned. I even told him three or four steps I was committed to taking to remove obstacles I had set up between us. I have made a commitment to never leave my marriage—physically. But many spouses still leave the marriage—emotionally.

THAT’S what I can do differently. I can choose to put my heart back in it. As much as I have been hurt before, as much as I want to protect it from ever getting hurt again by feeling too much or not receiving the love that it needs, I’m going to have to choose to put it back in the center of the marriage. Whether or not my spouse’s heart is there at this moment is not my concern.

I would recommend this book to anyone, especially Christians because Cloud frequently quotes scripture and refers to biblical principles throughout, and I am considering buying it for one of my counselor friends who is in a long-term relationship and is about to get married.

[Cindy Rollins · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am going to give this book 5 stars because I think it goes a long way in correcting marital problems that may arise from a misunderstanding of traditional Christian teaching about submission. I believe my own misunderstanding of this concept helped create problems in my own marriage.

Making a few tiny adjustments in my own attitude towards what it means to be in a Christian marriage has brought great healing to my marriage and I also believe it has helped me clean up some of my parenting.

My understanding of boundaries has freed me and I have only had to apply it in a more subtle way to my own thinking rather than making sweeping boundary pronouncements to my family.

I think this is a great book for any parent or couple in a Christian marriage whether it is in crisis or not.

[Justin · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I first picked the book up to start reading it I was intrigued by some of the things written in the first few chapters. But, for some reason, it was very unpleasant to get through. Once I began to move deeper into the book to find how this was applicable to me was when I couldn't get enough of it.

When asked why I was reading this book at work I responded with, "Because I want to be a better husband." I wasn't sure how the boundaries thing would work out, but I am glad for the authors' approach. And I'm glad that the boundary is for the reader and not some clever/sly strategy to get what you want in a marriage. I now know that I have a lot to iron out in my own life and I am able to understand more the workings of my wife and myself individually and corporately.

It wasn't an easy read and sometimes it took a while to digest the content, but it was well worth the time and I recommend it to anyone married.

[Mindy · Rating 2 out of 5]

The only reason I gave this book two stars is because there are some okay stories of couples and how they worked through various things. However, the book just barely gets that second star, because overall its cloying, sanctimonious, religious overtones were an overpowering cologne. For example, the authors constantly take credit for their patients' successful therapy outcomes -- "I was able to show them that these are areas of 'preference,' not right or wrong." Or "We cured her 'workaholism.'" But when a patient fails to reach the authors' desired outcome, Clowd and Townsend are quick to blame the patient, taking no responsibility for that. The best therapists I've known back away from taking credit for their patients' hard work.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I had read this when I had first got married. I picked this up mostly because the hold list at the library for the boundaries with kids was too long. I am so glad I did because it has already helped me be a better wife. I got a lot out of the first half of the book. The second half is for troubleshooting problems and stuff and that didn't apply to my marriage as much.

Some great points I took away:

you marry someone not to complete you but to complement you. Both partners need to be whole people. (for me that means getting a bit more organized and not letting Rich "be the organized one" of the two of us. It inspires me to be as much of a responsible and well-rounded person as I can be.) it also frees you up from needing your spouse to be certain things for you so that you can feel whole. The author said you need "two-ness" for "one-ness" to matter. otherwise it's just one.

Secondly,reap what you sow. Don't enable and cover mistakes for each other... make sure that whoever is failing is also fixing their failures so that they can actually improve. (you help the struggling one in love obviously but you don't enable them) Possibly that is a stage you get to in marriage when you have been married for awhile, but Rich and I are able to have "good fights" and I feel proud about that.

There were some other good nuggets in this book and I highly recommend it- whether your marriage is "good" or "bad" you also don't have to read it as a couple to start to see improvements. I am super glad I grabbed this one instead of the kids one... but I might just take a look at that one too since I default to people pleasing all the time and struggle with boundaries.

[Barbara Spurll · Rating 5 out of 5]

Healthy boundaries in marriage are about protecting love, not changing your partner or getting even. The authors stress taking responsibility for our own shortcomings, making sure we have "gotten the log out" of our own eye before before demanding that the other take the speck out of his. Great tips on styles of communicating to protect boundaries as well. The authors emphasize that marriage is difficult but most conflicts can not only be worked out but can lead to the intimacy you both long for. Great read! Highly recommended.

[Atiyeh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend is a thought-provoking and insightful guide to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries within a marriage. The authors, both psychologists with a wealth of experience, delve into the complex dynamics that often arise between spouses and provide a comprehensive framework for nurturing a relationship that is both fulfilling and respectful.

One of the central themes of the book is the concept of personal boundaries – the limits we set around ourselves in terms of emotions, behaviors, and needs. The authors argue that boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, particularly in marriage, where partners must balance individuality with intimacy. The book offers practical advice on how to establish these boundaries in a way that fosters love, trust, and mutual respect.

Cloud and Townsend emphasize that without clear boundaries, couples may inadvertently enable unhealthy patterns, such as codependency, manipulation, or emotional burnout. They provide actionable tools for couples to recognize and address these issues, including strategies for communication, conflict resolution, and understanding each other's needs.

What makes Boundaries in Marriage particularly valuable is its holistic approach. It does not merely focus on the individual aspects of each partner’s boundaries but also examines the dynamic between them. The book explores how to set boundaries without creating distance, how to respect each other’s differences, and how to work together to maintain a balance of love and autonomy. It also provides guidance on dealing with external pressures, such as family, work, and other relationships, which can strain the marriage.

Another key strength of the book is the way it combines psychological insights with biblical wisdom. Cloud and Townsend incorporate Christian principles into their discussions on marriage, which may resonate particularly with readers who value faith in their relationships. However, the advice is practical enough to be applicable to readers of various backgrounds, as the principles of boundaries are universal.

Overall, Boundaries in Marriage is an empowering read for couples looking to strengthen their relationship and create a healthier, more balanced marriage. Whether you’re newly married or have been together for years, the book offers valuable insights and tools to help navigate the challenges of maintaining personal and relational boundaries. The writing is clear, compassionate, and deeply rooted in a desire to help couples thrive. If you’re seeking a deeper understanding of how to protect your emotional well-being while nurturing your marriage, this book is a must-read.

[Elise · Rating 1 out of 5]

My thoughts on the book in no particular order:
*When thinking of this book, I think of the Bible verse that says "To the pure, all things are pure". We see things as we are, not as they are. I think that is the case here. A kind and generous person can read this book and probably come away with some wisdom. A broken person, a less mature person, etc., can read this book and come away with some damaging strategies about how to handle life's conflicts and inconveniences.
*The authors criticize their patients/clients in therapy harshly. The words "selfish" and "immature" come up a lot. I would not want to visit either of them for therapy. I've read a lot of books with anonymous examples of therapy clients experiences and have never seen this kind of disrespectful treatment.
*They give ideas about what to do in certain circumstances, and then they say very strong statements like "They won't like this because it's causing them to change for the better". I can see how this can close the readers' mind to the hearts and minds of the other humans that they are dealing with. They are prepared for the backlash and are instructed specifically that pain is part of the process. This puts the author in a 'senior management like' position and the reader in a 'middle management like' position while the receivers of the boundary talks are underneath both of them.
*Sometimes when we say and do things, there is a negative response because what we are doing is wrong. I see this book as propping a person up to reject differing viewpoints.
*They misuse the Bible to try to make it say what they want it to say. Verses are used out of context repeatedly.
*The book does not mention the word compromise until at least halfway in. It occurred to me that this is because the whole book is written with instructions that don't involve a 2-way communication situation. It's all written in a step by step instructional format for telling someone how the land lays. I think sometimes even just telling the offending spouse "I feel like this when you do this" might be enough to elicit change in the situation. The book doesn't mention this first step as a possibility, it goes right into "Do this WHEN your spouse responds negatively". Which is, again, putting you above that other person.
*The authors say that "children demand that people agree with them", and yet I perceive the authors as demanding to be agreed with multiple times in the book.
*The book talks about the negative reviews and the critics as if they are misunderstanding the premise. I started reading this book partly out of hope that I was misunderstanding.

[Frank Theising · Rating 3 out of 5]

Once a year my wife and I read a marriage book. This year the selection was Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. First published in 1999, this book appears to be a marriage-themed spinoff of his earlier work simply titled Boundaries.

Having finished the book, I admit it was not exactly what I expected, and not in a bad way. Based off the title alone, I began this one a little skeptically…many of the “modern” relationships I see are really big on “boundaries” (e.g. this is my money, that is your money). Those types of ideas seem incompatible with marriage where a man and a woman are supposed to become one flesh (Gen 2:24) and put the interests of their partner above their own (Eph 5, 1 Cor 7).

So I was pleased when early on, the author clarified what he meant by boundaries. To paraphrase: boundaries are not about controlling others or selfishness but about self-control. You have agency and can choose how you will respond to your spouse’s actions. You must take responsibility for your actions/responses. Boundaries are not something you set on another person but on yourself. For example, instead of saying “you can’t speak to me that way” you might say “if you speak to me that way, I will walk out of this room“. The first statement is not enforceable, the latter is entirely within your control.

While I agree with this line of reasoning (in fact we actually use it all the time with our kids when helping them respond to the behavior or actions of one of their siblings), I will caution, I think this initial guidance can easily be misconstrued or twisted to achieve the same selfish ends. So I was happy that near the end of the book, the author provided a lengthy section on how the principles on boundaries can easily be misused (for example, demanding someone change or else I will divorce you) and warns against using these principles in such an unproductive way.

As my wife and I discussed the book, I don’t know that we had any huge revelations (in part because I think we have already worked out a lot of the issues mentioned in the book), and unknowingly have a pretty healthy set of boundaries that we both respect. Nevertheless, I think this was a worthwhile read and would recommend it to newlyweds or those who are struggling in their marriage.

What follows are some notes on the book:

The author recounts the 10 “laws” of boundaries as applied to marriage

10 laws:

1. Law of sewing and reaping: Our actions have consequences. If one partner always compensates for or shields the offending spouse from the consequences of their actions (overspending, abuse, etc) the offending spouse suffers no sacrifices and therefore has no incentive to change their behavior.
2. Law of responsibility: You are responsible for your own actions.
3. The law of power: You cannot control your spouse or their actions. You do not have power over your spouse. You have power over your own attitudes and actions. You can choose how to respond to the hurtful behavior of your spouse.
4. The law of respect: You should respect your partner’s choices and boundaries (i.e. if you know your spouse doesn’t like something you should not be pressuring them to violate that boundary).
5. The law of motivation: Strive to make decisions out of love, not fear, guilt, or anger. Conversely, assume your partner is making decisions out of love and do not unjustly apply ill intent to their behavior.
6. The law of evaluation: Recognize the need to make hard decisions. Choices have consequences, and sometimes you must let a partner feel the consequences for their hurtful actions.
7. Law of proactivity: Set boundaries early to avoid an issue building/blowing up later.
8. The law of Envy: Value what you actually have and don’t obsess over what others have.
9. The law of activity: Develop assertiveness and take actions that support your boundaries.
10. Law of exposure: Make your boundaries clear to your spouse. It is unfair to be critical of a spouse for violating boundaries that they did not know existed.

Section 2 of the book discusses the six values needed to build a healthy marriage: Love of God, Love of your spouse, Honesty, Faithfulness, Compassion and Forgiveness, and Holiness. This section was pretty standard fair for Christian marriage books so I didn’t take too many notes here.

Section 3 discussed resolving conflict in marriage. This section elaborated on the different types of conflict, the importance of protecting your marriage from intruders (everything from meddling in-laws to adultery), and how to go about resolving conflict with a spouse that either respects your boundaries or who doesn’t.

As mentioned earlier, the final section discusses potential misuse of the principles he laid out. Most of which revolve around a partner trying to justify their own bad behavior by blaming it on an uncooperative spouse.

Overall, a worthwhile read.

[James Andersen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book that well illustrates not only how your your willingness to put up with the character flaws of another will affect a relationship (whether in marriage or not!), but also how their willingness to put up with your character flaws will affect the same relationship.

Gone are the days of "the quality of the relationship is the responsibility of only one party, YOU," which I never did quite understand, and welcome the day of each party being held responsible for their own actions.

While it may be that the better behavior of one party will help a relationship, and may even encourage the other to be "better," the behavior of the other party—be it good or bad—will affect the relationship accordingly, and this book makes that clear.

Backed by Biblical scripture and many examples of human relationships, the authors clearly illustrate the hope and great relationship a couple can have, if only they developed the kind of "boundaries" discussed in the book. Just as one party of marriage needs boundaries to preserve and protect their individuality, so does the spouse to protect theirs, and this book tells you how to develop boundaries one either never had while growing up or that were somehow never developed in marriage.

Boundaries in Marriage is excellently written, which only adds to the pleasure of reading such a logically helpful book; a book that should prove useful no matter what one's marital status may be, and no matter how "perfect" one may relate to another. Yes, I would highly recommend ANY book of the Boundaries series!

[Kerryn Agyekum · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life-changing! This is a must-read for anyone who is married - just beginning, coasting along well, hitting a rocky patch or considering ending. Very practical, spiritual AND clinical advice about behaviors, cause, effect and solutions. WARNING: Be prepared to really confront your own thoughts, actions and motives.

[Fani *loves angst* · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not a religious person and this book is filled with quotes from the Bible in every chapter. However, it was indeed helpful in trying to understand the errors we make in a relationship and it provided practical ways in which to better the situation at home. Very helpful and insightful.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is Nonfiction/Religous/Self-Help. This is the third book written by this author that I've read. There are a few things I love about his messages. He calls things the way he sees them and he is tenacious about this beliefs. I love that kind of committment. But with that said, sometimes I get a little irritated when I believe something different.

There were a lot of practical ideas in this one that sounded like common sense at times, but certainly useful. I loved that. I have his book Boundaries in Dating that I hope to get to soon. So 4 stars for this one.

[Ada Tarcau · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gets to the core of the problems, refreshingly wise and illuminating, creating the good sort of discomfort - the empowering sort - that makes you want to roll up your sleeves and get to work on those dreaded, postponed, unhealthy patterns. Serious enough to be hopeful concerning change.

This is my 3rd book from the Boundaries series, I have really enjoyed every single one of them, I have not found them repetitive, or if so, only in the good, helpful sense. As with the book on Boundaries with children, this also is a very well-exemplified and specifically-detailed version of the principles covered in the main book on Boundaries. I plan to revisit them, work on them, recommend them.

[Sheila Gregoire · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a great book! Cloud and Townsend are so practical yet so biblical, too. Their thesis is that marriage won't get better until we learn not to interrupt the basic pattern of "you reap what you sow". So often in marriage one person does something wrong, but the other person bears the brunt of it. They explain how to get out of this trap and start increasing intimacy--even if it causes conflict initially.

[Jon Barr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good stuff here. Highly recommended for newly married couples. Takeaway: boundaries are for the person seeing them, they're not a method of forcing behavior in someone else.

[Amy Meyers · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. One of the best marriage books I’ve read. I read it because Cindy Rollins recommended it in her book Mere Motherhood, and because I’ve had their book Boundaries on my shelf for years and never got around to it. Thinking the one on marriage might be similar, I found the audio on hoopla and listened to it quite quickly. This is one I’d rather have a paper or Kindle copy however, so I can go back and reference and read thoughtfully and prayerfully. I’m not getting what I need on the audio, so I’ll have to go through it again to really internalize it. I can tell I have some maturing to do.

[Tori · Rating 4 out of 5]

For the most part, I really enjoyed this book as far as self-help books go. If given the option, it would be a 3.5-star book instead of 4 stars, however.

Let me start with the positives: the concept laid out in the book is great and necessary. The concept of boundaries is something I wish I had understood earlier in my life. The first part was very informative and helpful when it comes to understanding the purpose and benefits of boundaries.

I found that (not only in marriage) I haven't really been setting boundaries for myself, and it often leads me to feel used or bitter towards people who pushed me past my (unknown and unstated) limits. The first part of the book talked about healthy ways to set these boundaries and hold to them. It was really helpful for me and I think it can be very helpful for others with marriages that have some character issues that need working out in either or both partners.

The second part of the book focused more on practical boundaries to set and the purpose of setting them. I like how the author pointed out that boundaries should not be used to control your spouse (or anyone), but to control and pre-determine your reaction. Some of the examples were a bit extreme for my situation, but others were helpful.

It talks a lot about how important it is to be a whole person when you enter marriage and to maintain that in your relationship for you and your spouse. This is big for me because when life gets hectic (as it always does) I tend to drop my hobbies and parts of my personality to cope with the circumstances around me. I know this doesn't benefit my relationships or myself, so it is something I can work on and have my husband help me with as well. (Getting back to reading more this year was a big step in that direction)

The other parts focused more on different practicals for applying boundaries whether your spouse is on board or not.*

Now for the negatives: There were several good ones, but the concepts became very repetitive and stereotypical (a wife is overspending, a husband comes home from work late, a wife is not cleaning the house, a husband won't help with the kids, etc) and the further I got into the book, the more the authors jumped around with their use of pronouns in a confusing way. I imagine the intention was to make the reader (if that particular example matched their gender) feel more drawn in. However, the back and forth was more jarring than helpful. It would've been very easy and much less distracting to use neutral pronouns for the non-specific examples.

The book is written to an audience of practicing Christians with practicing Christian spouses. I think it would've been helpful if that view was expanded a little. (Just in my small circle of friends I know many women who are practicing, but their husbands are not, etc.)

*Lastly, the book focuses on people who are either trying to better their marriage proactively or are having trouble. The last part of the book talks about setting boundaries with a spouse that isn't on board with any boundaries. It talks about how it is wrong to control a spouse and a few examples of how to deal with a controlling or abusive relationship, but the line isn't really drawn between accidental tendencies to be controlling and literal abuse. I found a lot of the advice to be unsafe for a victim of actual abuse. There is such an emphasis on trying their specific strategy of boundaries that they overlook strong symptoms of an abusive relationship in their last example. So although that isn't the audience, because it's mentioned so lightly in the book it was a bit of a red flag for me.

So overall, I learned a lot from this book and I enjoyed parts of it, but it's not the end-all solution that it proclaims itself to be.

[Matthew Parks · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a hard book to rate for me. I love it and at the same time feel meh about it.

Disclaimer - I have not read the original Boundaries book.

There are so many good principles here and awesome quotes! Just for the quotes alone this book is worth the read!

I guess I just feel like there's a bit of mixed messages in this book. They try to really emphasize great things like:

* The need to set boundaries only on yourself, not on other people
* To not misuse boundaries to try to control someone or to hide from seeing the change that you yourself need to make

These are crucially important and I agree with them entirely!

Yet how do you know when you need to set a boundary? It seems most the only suggestions are essentially when you are being mistreated in some way by your spouse (or anyone, but this is in the context of marriage).

Self-deception is very easy on this front! How do I set a boundary and say "If you're going to treat me this way, I'm going to have to ______" when in reality, the perceived mistreatment may not be mistreatment at all. Perhaps I am the one with the perspective problem on the situation.

I don't feel like I'm quite putting my finger on it, but it seems like they didn't really put forward clear ways to ensure you're not doing that.

Still, a great book, especially if obviously destructive stuff like yelling and fighting are going on in a marriage. ...but then, is it ever obvious when you're the one living it? Not really.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got this book at the library and I have only read around 10 pages but honestly what I've read so far hit the nail on the head and is teaching me about love. I'm not married mind you: I'm a single, college student but this book is really helpful and is preparing me for "boundaries in marriage!" This book is not just about "boundaries" but it talks about feelings and what couples everyday struggle with. I think if your married, hope to be, skeptical about love wherever you are in life get this book because it will help you make good future decisions, understand yourself, your thoughts and your feelings and it will prepare you to have healthy relationships in the future.

Honestly everything I know is broken though so I'm sure this book isn't going to be your miracle worker but it may give you some trinkets of knowledge for your future. Remember that nothing is perfect but hopefully this will make your marriage or your future marriage more wonderful :) and will give you tools.

PS. the authors of this book know what they are talking about because they counsel couples!!

[Jennifer Choisser · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’d recommend this book to anyone that has been influenced, raised in a home, and or practiced patriarchal submission. Helpful and insightful the core of this book teaches that marriage is to compliment each other *NOT* to complete each other.

I do not give it five stars because it doesn’t offer much if any commentary on boundaries within a marriage to a spouse that is not neuro-typical/ or suffers from low emotional intelligence/trauma/abuse/disabilities, etc.


Here are some of my notes:

“Whenever we view others in terms of how they affect us, we are in big trouble. This is self-centeredness. We reduce others to objects of our own needs, and we don’t see them as real people. And whenever we don’t see people for who they really are, love breaks down.”

-Empathy is the bedrock of intimacy.

“To have good boundaries is to be separate enough from the other person that you can allow them to have their own experience without reacting with your own. Sudan a clear stance of separateness allows you not to react, but to care and empathize. Not allowing the other’s experience can be a major cause of fighting and of feeling misunderstood.”

“ There are two kinds of people in the world: those who focus on what they want, always desiring it and never attaining it, and those who focus on what it takes to obtain what they want. The latter do the work, delay gratification, make sacrifices, and ultimately get the rewards of their work.

“If you focus on cultivating the garden instead of demanding the fruit, then your garden will yield a huge harvest.”

“Agape is the love that seeks the welfare of the other. “

[Brandon Vaughan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the best marriage books that I have ever read. I love the entire boundaries concept. The only reasons that I didn’t give it five stars is because it would be almost impossible to outdo the original “Boundaries” book. Secondly, there was a small section in chapter 14 where the author seemed to humanize God a little bit. Although I don’t think that was his intention, as a Pastor I’m very picky about that. Overall I would definitely recommend this to couples thinking about marriage, or marriages that need help.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was interesting. Full of things I have never thought of. I'm a little on the fence about somethings. But overall lots of good advice and spiritual truths.

[Liz Reese · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was the only boundaries book not on hold at my library and it was gas, generally good life advice (no marriage needed)

[Chad · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book seemed to be good with lots of good principles. My complaint and recommendation: couples should read it together. Good marriage strengthening topics within. You don’t have to be struggling to read this book.

[Missy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm glad I read an online version of this, because the cover pictured here looks pretty hideous. But the content is helpful to people dealing with any number and severity of marital issues. I definitely recommend this as a marriage book. The only reason I didn't give it five stars is because I thought the writing wasn't very clear in two sections.

Boundaries lead to order, responsibility and respect. It's true of property as well as relationships. Cloud and Townsend explain healthy boundaries and how to express them to your spouse.

They also cover setting boundaries on yourself, which is not as well written. But it covers ways you can begin recognizing how your own relational habits usually contribute to whatever patten is going on in your marriage. When you recognize an unhelpful patten, set boundaries around it to change at least your part in the pattern. I got the point, but I think it could have been written more clearly if they weren't wedded to the boundaries analogy.

Another section is about setting boundaries from intruders. I think this section was underdeveloped, so people seeking help in that area may need to consult another source.

The most valuable part, I think, is how to handle a marriage with a partner who does not respect boundaries. If you have read relationship books only to be left feeling like you've TRIED all that, and it doesn't help, this section will help. It's specific and thorough, and explains why the more common ways of handling relationships don't work.

Cloud and Thompson are Christians committed to helping marriages stay together, but they don't fall back on the unfortunately common "Christian" advice of the wife needs to respect, the husband needs to lead, and all will be well. Boundaries is a good tool to have in your kit.

[Claudia McCants · Rating 5 out of 5]

Learn when to say yes and when to say no--to your spouse and to others--to make the most of your marriage and relationships. Only when a husband and wife know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom can they give themselves freely and lovingly to one another.

Boundaries are the 'property lines' that define and protect husbands and wives as individuals. Once they are in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, counselors and authors of the award-winning best-seller Boundaries, show couples how to apply the 10 laws of boundaries that can make a real difference in relationships. They help husbands and wives understand the friction points or serious hurts and betrayals in their marriage--and move beyond them to the mutual care, respect, affirmation, and intimacy they both long for.

[Sasha · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too general. And i felt even dangerous for people in truly abusive situations. The author made out like with enough work and boundary setting (which it’s never really clear about how to go about) any marriage could be fixed. This simply is not always true. Personality disorders and abuse are real and can’t always be handled with the very unclear boundaries that are suggested in this book. Often the boundaries and management they suggested sounded more like manipulation.
The way the writer used “he” and “she”, to me, seemed condescending and full of stereotype.
I was disappointed because I’d heard so much positive buzz about the boundaries series. I don’t think after this one I’m terribly interested in reading any of the others.

[Angela Blount · Rating 4 out of 5]

A gentle, common sense guide. Personal boundaries are addressed overall, but with the focus being on the relationship that most commonly fails for a lack of adequate understanding in this area. While some of it felt a little over-explained, the chapters stood alone well enough for one to be able to center on the issues most applicable to themselves.

I think this one could have done me a lot more good earlier on in my marriage...or at the least, helped us avoid needless conflict and a buildup of resentment. Still, I retained a good number of takeaways that I hope to apply.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! I do not give five stars to many books, but this book is worth every star. It is what I've been looking for, praying for, and longing for for years. It answers troubling questions, and gives hopeful, helpful, healthy advice to struggling marriages, especially when you have no idea how to fix what's wrong. It should be required reading for every newly married couple, as it would significantly reduce the divorce rate in our churches, if not our country. I highly recommend Boundaries in Marriage!