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One Kid at a Time
This true, heartwarming story reveals that miracles occur in everyday life. Enjoyable and uplifting, One Kid at a Time will empower--and encourage--everyone who reads it.
Danny had no chance. His mother abandoned him. His father in prison didn't know him. His grandmother beat him so badly that the doctors couldn't count the bruises. He lived nonstop days of unending anxiety, loneliness and terror. Ordered into foster care, the system isolated, drugged and betrayed him.
Jake lived the good life. Warm friendships, plenty of money and freedom to do what he enjoyed. From the outside he had the perfect existence. But inside he longed for a child.
Danny had no chance. His mother abandoned him. His father in prison didn't know him. His grandmother beat him so badly that the doctors couldn't count the bruises. He lived nonstop days of unending anxiety, loneliness and terror. Ordered into foster care, the system isolated, drugged and betrayed him.
Jake lived the good life. Warm friendships, plenty of money and freedom to do what he enjoyed. From the outside he had the perfect existence. But inside he longed for a child.
276 pages, Paperback
First published March 28, 2012
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
June 30, 2012
*Please see bias disclosure below
Combine a powerful account of a journey to adopt a troubled child whose even more troubled past has left him seemingly destined to be "thrownaway" with the story of the growth of a complicated but remarkable gay Mormon who learns how to be a father and child advocate. That remarkable admixture is ONE KID AT A TIME: Dekker's most recent work, though not his first - only the first under this pseudonym in order to protect the identity of his adopted son.
Consuming the narrative prose of One Kid at a Time is both powerful and remarkably accessible. The reader is treated to moments of immediacy, as events slip out of the past tense and become dramas whose outcomes are far from certain. The reason for this (though never stated directly in the text) is that many of the chapters were originally drawn from letters that Dekker wrote to friends and family at the time to update them on his process and thoughts of becoming a father. This epistolary treatment may clarify why the book packs such emotional weight: each moment was fresh at the time of writing, without the cheesecloth of romanticization to take off the hard edges of anguish or smooth the overwhelmingness of the triumphs.
The text charts the parallel growth tales of the dual protagonists: A successful gay businessman who finds that all of his previous successes have only partially prepared him for the challenge of taking care of a child as a single parent and a damaged boy whose horrific past and unhealthy ease to form attachments also has a fragile core built on the fear of abandonment or abuse that seems to inevitably follow from his caregivers. Interwoven into these primary threads are Dekker's struggles with a bureaucratic system that lurches forward along its own inertia and seems unprepared to tackle an adoptive parent who is used to coming overprepared and having read the law. Broken man, Broken child, Broken system: By the end of the book, the readers seem only assured that two of the three have found healing.
What makes this tale less of a soap opera or self-congratulatory boost for Dekker lies in his raw honesty of his own flaws and foibles. While much of what he does is remarkable and self-sacrificing, there are moments of painful clarity where he himself lapses into actions that are thoughtless, cruel, and self-damaging. There are three powerful moments of epiphanies that strike the reader: An anniversary card, a strike, and a funeral. Each of these moments rivets the reader, sometimes in agonizing immediacy where you recognize your own propensity to betray yourself to moments of weakness. This is Dekker at his finest - even more than the uplift that the book enjoys in its triumphs, Dekker's raw honesty of his own flaws, the moments that parents only whisper about to their closest friends when they did things based on their own emotional needs at that moment, remind us that wisdom is always acquired and never fully obtained.
With all this praise, one might wonder why I have given this book only four stars. As excellent as ONE KID AT A TIME is, there are some flaws - structural and explanatory - that keep it from perfection.
First, as I mentioned, the book is mostly drawn from an epistolary cache. The virtues of immediacy I mentioned above derive from structuring the book around these letters. But the flaw is that the conclusion of most chapters sign off with an emotional closure - again, very valid at the time of writing the letters to friends and family - that can become a bit repetitious and lose some of their impact as they repeat chapter after chapter. A slightly tighter focus on editing those chapter closures with an eye to the fact you are treating a longer narrative would have conserved their emotional power tremendously.
Second, and perhaps more glaringly, Dekker has an underlying theme of the importance of faith and family through the text. But this theme becomes muddled and somewhat cloudy as you gather the facts of Dekker's life: Gay Mormon. Parents very active Mormons, including meeting at BYU. Dekker seems to have had an extraordinarily troubled teen years and he places all the blame for that at his own feet, which strikes the reader as curiously imbalanced considering his circumstances. Layer that with the fact that clearly Dekker had an ex-partner, so he has not been viewing his faith through the lens of Mormon dictum of gays as inherently perverse who must live lives of celibacy in order to not be unclean or forsaken by God, and the reader feels a strongly missed opportunity to understand what Dekker means by "faith." Similarly, family plays an important role in his tale, but his relationship to his parents comes off somewhat similarly opaque - only near the end of the book do we have the rather important revelation his father is suffering from Alzheimer's.
There is a partial reasoning for this, however: Dekker's original work was a similarly epistolary structured tale about his experience with reconciling his complicated and troubled past with his parents during a world cruise he paid for them to take together. That book, unfortunately, is almost required reading to illuminate some of the mysteries that seem skirted in ONE KID AT A TIME. But one cannot easily pair the books, as the original publication is under his own name, which for reasons stated in his book and at the top of this review, he now uses a pseudonym in order to protect his son's identity. I therefore urge Dekker to "Dekkerize" his original book, allowing people to understand this progression. After all, his first book is about understanding how to be a son, the necessary prerequisite to ONE KID AT A TIME's tale of how he becomes a father.
It is my understanding that Dekker is bringing his formidable talents to a third book, also related to family, soon. If so, I am eager to have the opportunity to learn more, though I shall keep my Kleenex handy. His tales are raw, real, and powerful testaments to what family truly means: Families of blood, families of choice, and the webs of support that led an abused child seemingly destined for perdition to a Gay Mormon single father. As to who was saved more, I leave to your own judgment by reading this remarkable tale of ONE KID AT A TIME.
*Bias disclosure: As might be inferred by my intimate knowledge of the author and his writing process, I am one of those who received the update letters upon which the book is shaped. As a Professor in an academic setting, I am often required to critique the works of colleagues with whom I am close to with candor. I hope this review has proven balanced, but it would be unfair to not disclose my prior relationship, in case that affects your weight of my review.
Combine a powerful account of a journey to adopt a troubled child whose even more troubled past has left him seemingly destined to be "thrownaway" with the story of the growth of a complicated but remarkable gay Mormon who learns how to be a father and child advocate. That remarkable admixture is ONE KID AT A TIME: Dekker's most recent work, though not his first - only the first under this pseudonym in order to protect the identity of his adopted son.
Consuming the narrative prose of One Kid at a Time is both powerful and remarkably accessible. The reader is treated to moments of immediacy, as events slip out of the past tense and become dramas whose outcomes are far from certain. The reason for this (though never stated directly in the text) is that many of the chapters were originally drawn from letters that Dekker wrote to friends and family at the time to update them on his process and thoughts of becoming a father. This epistolary treatment may clarify why the book packs such emotional weight: each moment was fresh at the time of writing, without the cheesecloth of romanticization to take off the hard edges of anguish or smooth the overwhelmingness of the triumphs.
The text charts the parallel growth tales of the dual protagonists: A successful gay businessman who finds that all of his previous successes have only partially prepared him for the challenge of taking care of a child as a single parent and a damaged boy whose horrific past and unhealthy ease to form attachments also has a fragile core built on the fear of abandonment or abuse that seems to inevitably follow from his caregivers. Interwoven into these primary threads are Dekker's struggles with a bureaucratic system that lurches forward along its own inertia and seems unprepared to tackle an adoptive parent who is used to coming overprepared and having read the law. Broken man, Broken child, Broken system: By the end of the book, the readers seem only assured that two of the three have found healing.
What makes this tale less of a soap opera or self-congratulatory boost for Dekker lies in his raw honesty of his own flaws and foibles. While much of what he does is remarkable and self-sacrificing, there are moments of painful clarity where he himself lapses into actions that are thoughtless, cruel, and self-damaging. There are three powerful moments of epiphanies that strike the reader: An anniversary card, a strike, and a funeral. Each of these moments rivets the reader, sometimes in agonizing immediacy where you recognize your own propensity to betray yourself to moments of weakness. This is Dekker at his finest - even more than the uplift that the book enjoys in its triumphs, Dekker's raw honesty of his own flaws, the moments that parents only whisper about to their closest friends when they did things based on their own emotional needs at that moment, remind us that wisdom is always acquired and never fully obtained.
With all this praise, one might wonder why I have given this book only four stars. As excellent as ONE KID AT A TIME is, there are some flaws - structural and explanatory - that keep it from perfection.
First, as I mentioned, the book is mostly drawn from an epistolary cache. The virtues of immediacy I mentioned above derive from structuring the book around these letters. But the flaw is that the conclusion of most chapters sign off with an emotional closure - again, very valid at the time of writing the letters to friends and family - that can become a bit repetitious and lose some of their impact as they repeat chapter after chapter. A slightly tighter focus on editing those chapter closures with an eye to the fact you are treating a longer narrative would have conserved their emotional power tremendously.
Second, and perhaps more glaringly, Dekker has an underlying theme of the importance of faith and family through the text. But this theme becomes muddled and somewhat cloudy as you gather the facts of Dekker's life: Gay Mormon. Parents very active Mormons, including meeting at BYU. Dekker seems to have had an extraordinarily troubled teen years and he places all the blame for that at his own feet, which strikes the reader as curiously imbalanced considering his circumstances. Layer that with the fact that clearly Dekker had an ex-partner, so he has not been viewing his faith through the lens of Mormon dictum of gays as inherently perverse who must live lives of celibacy in order to not be unclean or forsaken by God, and the reader feels a strongly missed opportunity to understand what Dekker means by "faith." Similarly, family plays an important role in his tale, but his relationship to his parents comes off somewhat similarly opaque - only near the end of the book do we have the rather important revelation his father is suffering from Alzheimer's.
There is a partial reasoning for this, however: Dekker's original work was a similarly epistolary structured tale about his experience with reconciling his complicated and troubled past with his parents during a world cruise he paid for them to take together. That book, unfortunately, is almost required reading to illuminate some of the mysteries that seem skirted in ONE KID AT A TIME. But one cannot easily pair the books, as the original publication is under his own name, which for reasons stated in his book and at the top of this review, he now uses a pseudonym in order to protect his son's identity. I therefore urge Dekker to "Dekkerize" his original book, allowing people to understand this progression. After all, his first book is about understanding how to be a son, the necessary prerequisite to ONE KID AT A TIME's tale of how he becomes a father.
It is my understanding that Dekker is bringing his formidable talents to a third book, also related to family, soon. If so, I am eager to have the opportunity to learn more, though I shall keep my Kleenex handy. His tales are raw, real, and powerful testaments to what family truly means: Families of blood, families of choice, and the webs of support that led an abused child seemingly destined for perdition to a Gay Mormon single father. As to who was saved more, I leave to your own judgment by reading this remarkable tale of ONE KID AT A TIME.
*Bias disclosure: As might be inferred by my intimate knowledge of the author and his writing process, I am one of those who received the update letters upon which the book is shaped. As a Professor in an academic setting, I am often required to critique the works of colleagues with whom I am close to with candor. I hope this review has proven balanced, but it would be unfair to not disclose my prior relationship, in case that affects your weight of my review.
October 10, 2018
This book reconfirmed my desire to believe in a compassionate humanity. Jake's determination is admirable, to say the least. I couldn't put this book down until I read every last word.
Thank you, Jake Dekker, and best wishes to you and Danny.
Thank you, Jake Dekker, and best wishes to you and Danny.
November 3, 2020
This book is heartwarming. Anyone looking to adopt, has adopted, works in the Foster care system, a CASA, etc. This book will tug at your heart strings. It's a true story between a single father and a Foster child whom nobody wants and the challenges that lie before them.
December 27, 2019
I am A CASA worker and enjoyed this book.
July 8, 2022
Great story. Brings awareness of the total brokenness of our foster care system.
Our kids deserve more!
Our kids deserve more!
December 5, 2022
A case of Kleenex should come with this book. And there should be a day to honor foster parents who transform lives.
April 6, 2025
A good read for CASA continuing ed training hours.
January 7, 2013
I was lent this book by my CASA director, as a good book for CASA volunteers to read. The book is written from his own experience of adopting a child who had been tossed about in the foster care program. Danny was abandoned by his mother, his father was in prison, and his grandmother had beat him unmercifully. Once in the foster care program, the primary attempts to deal with his behavior issues were with drugs, that actually increased his violent behavior. The path to Danny's adoption began with the author and his gay partner starting on the path to adoption. Initial attempts were unsuccessful, and the opportunity to get Danny came when Jake received a message from Danny's dad in prison. Through an odd set of circumstances, he had heard of Jake's wish to adopt and wanted his son to have this opportunity. While the writing style has room for improvement the story is powerful in the way it deals with the needs of children, the role of CASA volunteers, and the issues gay people (in this case, a gay Morman) face in our society.
September 5, 2012
As someone who has contemplated (and still considers) adoption, I found this book an invaluable read. It includes tons of information (including things adoption agencies don't tell you) that are that are 'need to know' if you're interested in adopting.
Since this book is written as a story, it's easy to absorb the facts.
Dekker is genius at pointing out situations in his own story that make you think about the process: not just about red-tape of adopting, but things to consider once you bring your child home. Again: he takes the hard facts and makes it easy to digest.
It's a quick read and includes a round-up of resources in the back of the book. Dekker also has Web site and mailing list you can join for more information on adoption.
Best of all, it's a heart-warming story. Even if you're not considering adoption, consider reading the book for what it is: a riveting tale with a happily ever after ending.
Since this book is written as a story, it's easy to absorb the facts.
Dekker is genius at pointing out situations in his own story that make you think about the process: not just about red-tape of adopting, but things to consider once you bring your child home. Again: he takes the hard facts and makes it easy to digest.
It's a quick read and includes a round-up of resources in the back of the book. Dekker also has Web site and mailing list you can join for more information on adoption.
Best of all, it's a heart-warming story. Even if you're not considering adoption, consider reading the book for what it is: a riveting tale with a happily ever after ending.
April 5, 2013
This is story of Jake and his journey to adopt 10-year-old Danny, a troubled boy who was abandoned by his mother, neglected by his maternal grandmother, abused by his paternal grandmother, and finally mistreated in foster care. He is on psychotropic medications, has been suspended multiple times, and is classified as a level IV, the most difficult of the foster children.
Jake is convinced to meet the boy and he sees the good kid under the troubled facade. He makes the decision to adopt him and from then on, is is advocate. As a reader, I got a glimpse of how broken the foster system is (rage-inducing) and felt inspired to consider fostering kids when the time is right in our family's life.
While this book was moving, some of the writing was distracting (different tenses, etc) and somewhat repetitive. All in all, a good read, however.
Jake is convinced to meet the boy and he sees the good kid under the troubled facade. He makes the decision to adopt him and from then on, is is advocate. As a reader, I got a glimpse of how broken the foster system is (rage-inducing) and felt inspired to consider fostering kids when the time is right in our family's life.
While this book was moving, some of the writing was distracting (different tenses, etc) and somewhat repetitive. All in all, a good read, however.
June 4, 2013
A quick, easy read. Dekker's writing voice is conversational and his love for his son is easy to see. My one complaint about this book is its feel-good description of adoption. His message seems to be "love and structure can overcome anything" and maybe that was his experience with his son. I worry about potential adoptive parents reading this book and coming away thinking they can solve their adopted child's issues sith enough love.
The other thing I noticed was his adoption through the state of Washington seemed to be amazingly smooth- definitely not the norm (I am an adoptive parent from the same state).
A good read as long as long as reader understands Dekker's situation seems to be unique and smoother than most.
The other thing I noticed was his adoption through the state of Washington seemed to be amazingly smooth- definitely not the norm (I am an adoptive parent from the same state).
A good read as long as long as reader understands Dekker's situation seems to be unique and smoother than most.
December 9, 2012
A very inspiring book about adopting older foster children who are seen/labeled as "throw away children." It's definitely not easy but it's also not impossible. Also, this child had a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) who was very dedicated to finding this child a home. Thanks to the CASA volunteer, the author of this book unexpectedly fell in love with the son he would later adopt. This book is their story.
February 10, 2013
Not a bad memoir. It reads more like a journal that was edited to sound like a memoir. In some sections, the verbs are in present tense, in others it's stuck in past tense.
The story itself it touching. It's a quick read. If you're looking for nonfiction dealing with foster children and the like, I'd suggest "Three Little Words" before Dekker's book. The last few chapters were anticlimactic and less touching than much of the rest of the book.
The story itself it touching. It's a quick read. If you're looking for nonfiction dealing with foster children and the like, I'd suggest "Three Little Words" before Dekker's book. The last few chapters were anticlimactic and less touching than much of the rest of the book.
June 5, 2014
A wonderful look at the impact one person can have in the life of a child in the foster care system. Love and constancy are the needs of any child and this books shows what a huge difference can be made in the life of a child most people may wish to write off. It also gives pause to look at the foster care system itself and what can be done to improve the system and do better by the children in it. An overall hopeful book.
October 16, 2012
This read definitely validated my 10+ years working in the child welfare system. Definitely not a book based on fiction.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews