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Mating in Captivity: In Search of Erotic Intelligence
Ether Perel takes on these tough questions, grappling with the obstacles and anxieties that arise when our quest for secure love conflicts with our pursuit of passion. She invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.
Why does great sex so often fade for couples who claim to love each other as much as ever?
Can we want what we already have?
Why does the transition to parenthood so often spell erotic disaster?
Does good intimacy always make for good sex?
In her twenty years of clinical experience, Perel has treated hundreds of couples whose home lives are empty of passion. They describe relationships that are open and loving, yet sexually dull. What is going on?
In this explosively original book, Perel explains that our cultural penchant for equality, togetherness, and absolute candor is antithetical to erotic desire for both men and women. Sexual excitement doesn't always play by the rules of good citizenship. It is politically incorrect. It thrives on power plays, unfair advantages, and the space between self and other. More exciting, playful, even poetic sex is possible, but first we must kick egalitarian ideals and emotional housekeeping out of our bedrooms.
While Mating in Captivity shows why the domestic realm can feel like a cage, Perel's take on bedroom dynamics promises to liberate, enchant, and provoke. Flinging the doors open on erotic life and domesticity, she invites us to put the "X" back in sex.
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First published September 5, 2006
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About the author
Esther Perel
38 books4,198 followersEsther Perel is recognized as one of the world’s most original and insightful voices on personal and professional relationships. She is the best-selling author of Mating in Captivity Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, translated into 25 languages. Fluent in nine of them, the Belgian native is a practicing psychotherapist, celebrated speaker and organizational consultant to Fortune 500 companies. The New York Times, in a cover story, named her the most important game changer on sexuality and relationships since Dr. Ruth. Her critically acclaimed viral TED talk reached nearly 5 million viewers in the first year.
Known for her keen cross-cultural pulse, Esther shifts the paradigm of our approach to modern relationships. She is regularly sought around the world for her expertise in erotic intelligence, couples and family identity as well as corporate relationships and team collaboration.
Her clients and platforms include companies such as Nike, Johnson & Johnson and Mopar, the Open Society Institute, Tony Robbins Productions, Summit Series, Founder’s Forum, PopTech, Young Presidents Organization, Entrepreneur Organization, and the Bronfman Foundation.
Her innovative models for building strong and lasting relationships have been widely featured in the media across 5 continents spanning The New York Times, the Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Le Monde, Ha’Aretz and The Guardian, The New Yorker, Fast Company, and Vogue. She is a frequent guest on radio and television shows including NPR’s Brian Lehrer Show, Oprah and The Today Show, Dr. Oz and The Colbert Report.
In addition to Esther’s 30-year therapy practice in New York City, she also serves on the faculty of The Family Studies Unit, Department of Psychiatry, New York University Medical Center and The International Trauma Studies Program at Columbia University.
Known for her keen cross-cultural pulse, Esther shifts the paradigm of our approach to modern relationships. She is regularly sought around the world for her expertise in erotic intelligence, couples and family identity as well as corporate relationships and team collaboration.
Her clients and platforms include companies such as Nike, Johnson & Johnson and Mopar, the Open Society Institute, Tony Robbins Productions, Summit Series, Founder’s Forum, PopTech, Young Presidents Organization, Entrepreneur Organization, and the Bronfman Foundation.
Her innovative models for building strong and lasting relationships have been widely featured in the media across 5 continents spanning The New York Times, the Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Le Monde, Ha’Aretz and The Guardian, The New Yorker, Fast Company, and Vogue. She is a frequent guest on radio and television shows including NPR’s Brian Lehrer Show, Oprah and The Today Show, Dr. Oz and The Colbert Report.
In addition to Esther’s 30-year therapy practice in New York City, she also serves on the faculty of The Family Studies Unit, Department of Psychiatry, New York University Medical Center and The International Trauma Studies Program at Columbia University.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 3,811 reviews
May 15, 2008
If you're in a long-term relationship, or ever want to be in one, you must read this book.
It tells you how to have the security, stability, comfort, etc that are requirements for a healthy a LT relationship while at the same time creating the uncertainty, mystery, and risk that are requirements for passion.
The author is a therapist in NY and draws on cases to illustrate her points. It's engaging, the topic is fascinating, and Perel has some refreshingly smart suggestions for maintaining or recapturing eroticism in relationships. Note that this book probably won't resonate with everybody: some of her suggestions have a healthy disregard for the status quo, which the iconoclastic realist in me appreciates.
As an (um) firm believer that if people had better sex lives, the world would be a happier place, take my advice: don't sleep on this one!
It tells you how to have the security, stability, comfort, etc that are requirements for a healthy a LT relationship while at the same time creating the uncertainty, mystery, and risk that are requirements for passion.
The author is a therapist in NY and draws on cases to illustrate her points. It's engaging, the topic is fascinating, and Perel has some refreshingly smart suggestions for maintaining or recapturing eroticism in relationships. Note that this book probably won't resonate with everybody: some of her suggestions have a healthy disregard for the status quo, which the iconoclastic realist in me appreciates.
As an (um) firm believer that if people had better sex lives, the world would be a happier place, take my advice: don't sleep on this one!
April 9, 2011
Reconciling Cliche and Popular Sociology
On a crowded bus last week, my eight year old son couldn't help but inquire about the title of Esther Perel's debut book, "Mating in Captivity : Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic." What's "mating" mean, dad? And "cap-tiv-i-ty?" With numerous ears besides his own eager to hear my reply, I resorted to cheap humor that passed by him as surely as hot sex passes by Perel's patients throughout this book. "Mating." I told him, "is finding someone to love and captivity is what happens after that."
Perel's central premise is succinctly stated early on and aptly summarized in a piece of her own counsel. "I point out to Adele that if we are to maintain desire with one person over time we must be able to bring a sense of unknown into a familiar space." Adele, it seems, has been suffering from "contemporary angst" and now stands in as proxy to the larger condition that many face regarding sex within committed long-term relationships.
In the pages that follow, a cast of stereotypical characters (her clients) is rolled out for the reader while the soothsayer herself dispenses meaning to truth. The writing is airy, and even at times elegant, but sadly only rarely achieves the intensity that the topic deserves. Throughout, it's never quite clear whether this is a legitimate self-help manual or a series of slightly tawdry, Springeresque sketches.
My own sensibilities would have preferred the author to engage in a more rigorous analysis of both the psychology and the anthropology attendant in the complexity of sexual relations within (semi)permanent relationships-in other words more Barthes, de Beauvoir, and Fisher-and less emphasis on the self-selected and voyeurized accounts of Alan, Adele, Zoe, Naomi, and Jed, among others.
The book was not without its highlights, however. In a well-written chapter titled "The Pitfalls of Modern Intimacy," Perel deftly draws out the consequent logic of removing pragmatism from the realm of relationship building. Using romantic love as a measure to assess long-term compatibility, we create unreasonable expectations about the role of passion in providing the sustenance of permanency; expectations that can hardly be met by the self as an emotion-laden being, let alone by the self as orchestrated by a never ending series of neuro-chemical carbon-based reactions.
In another section, Perel usefully describes the limitations of the spoken word in the pursuit of everlasting sexual bliss. Her advice on the matter? Couples should start by purging the feminized language of emotion from the bedroom where, instead, we might reintroduce the carnal "mother tongue" that is our body. I'm reminded here of a passage from Monica Ali's Brick Lane: "He was a man and he spoke as a man. He was not mired in words. He did not talk and talk until he was not certain of anything." (Of course, here the protagonist was comparing her lover, a man of few words, to her husband, a man of many!) Yet, agree or disagree, it defies convention regarding the constitution of stable and happy relationships.
Finally, a subsequent chapter on monogamy convincingly points out that despite the breakdown of many sexual taboos in our society (homosexuality, premarital sex, birth control) Americans remain steadfastly committed to monogamy as a singular ideal within all types of relationships. During a recent conversation with a friend and colleague who is very open and accepting of alternative sexualities and is generally unflinchingly supportive of the goals of the American cultural left, the issue of monogamy and politics arose. And despite her predilection for progressive thought, she quickly staked out well trodden normative terrain, saying that "any man who cheats on his wife is a complete dirtbag." Perel, however, correctly points out that for many couples, "fidelity is defined not by sexual exclusivity but by the strength of their commitment" and argues that monogamy and its alternatives should be negotiated rather than imposed.
More often than illuminating, however, the content was repetitive and replaceable. While easy to find humor in chapters explaining how democratic politics have left Eros limp and how the protestant work ethic leaves no room for eroticism, the anecdotal cases kept emerging even when their application felt forced. Perel did include a limited number of same sex couples along the way, but they were treated as synonymous with more traditional relationships and their explanatory power was thus limited.
Perhaps most bothersome was the condescension displayed towards her subjects; both those in the first degree, her clients, and those in the second, her readers. Her own cosmopolitanism (the Belgian daughter of holocaust survivors, educated in Israel and practicing professionally in Manhattan) often seemed needlessly dismissive of American cultural mores pertaining to sex and intimacy. "Some of America's best features," she informs us "result in very boring sex." Can this really be true?
And lest we hope that American therapists can remedy the situation, Perel says not a chance: the American clinicians at one particular conference completely pathologized consensual and non-violent sex involving domination and submission. She took strong exception to their inability to fathom the complexity of fantasy and play within loving relationships, while stressing her own embrace of such matters.
Though admitting her "relative outsider" status and using it to glean myriad insights into American culture, her narrative paradoxically contains herself within that very collective identity. "Nowhere is our profound discomfort with sex more apparent than in the way we approach teenage sexuality," she intones before then describing the more enlightened attitudes of Europeans who "view adolescent sexuality as normal" and "not a problem."
Such assertions are easy to agree with. But often, at least for this reader, the aloofness drew me away from her arguments. I suspect that many of her readers will find such tones similarly off putting. Additionally, many of the situations in which she described her heroic interventions were candidly patronizing. The distinction between worthwhile social science and personal advertisement copy was never very clear.
Overall, this was a thought provoking but flawed book. With it's cherry red cover, half clad torsos, and provocative titular vocabulary, it wasn't always the most pleasant book to read in crowded places. The looks, especially from those of the female persuasion felt vaguely piteous. And while some of the ideas contained within are worth thinking about, I will probably only recommend it to a few of my Red State friends, for its shock value alone.
© Jeffrey L. Otto, March 18, 2007
On a crowded bus last week, my eight year old son couldn't help but inquire about the title of Esther Perel's debut book, "Mating in Captivity : Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic." What's "mating" mean, dad? And "cap-tiv-i-ty?" With numerous ears besides his own eager to hear my reply, I resorted to cheap humor that passed by him as surely as hot sex passes by Perel's patients throughout this book. "Mating." I told him, "is finding someone to love and captivity is what happens after that."
Perel's central premise is succinctly stated early on and aptly summarized in a piece of her own counsel. "I point out to Adele that if we are to maintain desire with one person over time we must be able to bring a sense of unknown into a familiar space." Adele, it seems, has been suffering from "contemporary angst" and now stands in as proxy to the larger condition that many face regarding sex within committed long-term relationships.
In the pages that follow, a cast of stereotypical characters (her clients) is rolled out for the reader while the soothsayer herself dispenses meaning to truth. The writing is airy, and even at times elegant, but sadly only rarely achieves the intensity that the topic deserves. Throughout, it's never quite clear whether this is a legitimate self-help manual or a series of slightly tawdry, Springeresque sketches.
My own sensibilities would have preferred the author to engage in a more rigorous analysis of both the psychology and the anthropology attendant in the complexity of sexual relations within (semi)permanent relationships-in other words more Barthes, de Beauvoir, and Fisher-and less emphasis on the self-selected and voyeurized accounts of Alan, Adele, Zoe, Naomi, and Jed, among others.
The book was not without its highlights, however. In a well-written chapter titled "The Pitfalls of Modern Intimacy," Perel deftly draws out the consequent logic of removing pragmatism from the realm of relationship building. Using romantic love as a measure to assess long-term compatibility, we create unreasonable expectations about the role of passion in providing the sustenance of permanency; expectations that can hardly be met by the self as an emotion-laden being, let alone by the self as orchestrated by a never ending series of neuro-chemical carbon-based reactions.
In another section, Perel usefully describes the limitations of the spoken word in the pursuit of everlasting sexual bliss. Her advice on the matter? Couples should start by purging the feminized language of emotion from the bedroom where, instead, we might reintroduce the carnal "mother tongue" that is our body. I'm reminded here of a passage from Monica Ali's Brick Lane: "He was a man and he spoke as a man. He was not mired in words. He did not talk and talk until he was not certain of anything." (Of course, here the protagonist was comparing her lover, a man of few words, to her husband, a man of many!) Yet, agree or disagree, it defies convention regarding the constitution of stable and happy relationships.
Finally, a subsequent chapter on monogamy convincingly points out that despite the breakdown of many sexual taboos in our society (homosexuality, premarital sex, birth control) Americans remain steadfastly committed to monogamy as a singular ideal within all types of relationships. During a recent conversation with a friend and colleague who is very open and accepting of alternative sexualities and is generally unflinchingly supportive of the goals of the American cultural left, the issue of monogamy and politics arose. And despite her predilection for progressive thought, she quickly staked out well trodden normative terrain, saying that "any man who cheats on his wife is a complete dirtbag." Perel, however, correctly points out that for many couples, "fidelity is defined not by sexual exclusivity but by the strength of their commitment" and argues that monogamy and its alternatives should be negotiated rather than imposed.
More often than illuminating, however, the content was repetitive and replaceable. While easy to find humor in chapters explaining how democratic politics have left Eros limp and how the protestant work ethic leaves no room for eroticism, the anecdotal cases kept emerging even when their application felt forced. Perel did include a limited number of same sex couples along the way, but they were treated as synonymous with more traditional relationships and their explanatory power was thus limited.
Perhaps most bothersome was the condescension displayed towards her subjects; both those in the first degree, her clients, and those in the second, her readers. Her own cosmopolitanism (the Belgian daughter of holocaust survivors, educated in Israel and practicing professionally in Manhattan) often seemed needlessly dismissive of American cultural mores pertaining to sex and intimacy. "Some of America's best features," she informs us "result in very boring sex." Can this really be true?
And lest we hope that American therapists can remedy the situation, Perel says not a chance: the American clinicians at one particular conference completely pathologized consensual and non-violent sex involving domination and submission. She took strong exception to their inability to fathom the complexity of fantasy and play within loving relationships, while stressing her own embrace of such matters.
Though admitting her "relative outsider" status and using it to glean myriad insights into American culture, her narrative paradoxically contains herself within that very collective identity. "Nowhere is our profound discomfort with sex more apparent than in the way we approach teenage sexuality," she intones before then describing the more enlightened attitudes of Europeans who "view adolescent sexuality as normal" and "not a problem."
Such assertions are easy to agree with. But often, at least for this reader, the aloofness drew me away from her arguments. I suspect that many of her readers will find such tones similarly off putting. Additionally, many of the situations in which she described her heroic interventions were candidly patronizing. The distinction between worthwhile social science and personal advertisement copy was never very clear.
Overall, this was a thought provoking but flawed book. With it's cherry red cover, half clad torsos, and provocative titular vocabulary, it wasn't always the most pleasant book to read in crowded places. The looks, especially from those of the female persuasion felt vaguely piteous. And while some of the ideas contained within are worth thinking about, I will probably only recommend it to a few of my Red State friends, for its shock value alone.
© Jeffrey L. Otto, March 18, 2007
July 31, 2012
The author is a European, kink-and-alternative-lifestyle-friendly relationship therapist. It was quite refreshing to have her non-judgmental viewpoint on most issues of sexuality. She maintains throughout the book that in order to develop intimacy between two people, there needs to be some separateness. Which is a problem in this American society where our mate is supposed to be everything to us. There's a struggle in finding another person erotic and sexy when there's too much comfort and security.
She supports her claims by providing case studies of her clients, whose information has been made anonymous. She'll outline their problems, help them examine them in depth and then try to guide them toward a solution without making a moral issue of their behaviors, actions or desires.
She has some great ideas all around, especially when it comes to the fact that sexual fantasies are absolutely nothing like any other non-sexual fantasies and daydreams people have. With a typical daydream, you fantasize about what you want. A sexual fantasy is not so straightforward.
I was a bit troubled when I got to her brief chapter on non-monogamy. Though she doesn't seem opposed to it, she also strikes me as alarmingly supportive of monogamy, or at least emotional monogamy. She is very open to the idea of sexual trysts outside a committed relationship, but with all the talk of maintaining a separate sense of self to keep intimacy alive between couples, I'm actually a bit shocked that she doesn't explore polyamory *at all*.
Those bits aside, I found it a thoughtful and helpful book, confirming a lot of conclusions I'd long ago made about sex and intimacy.
She supports her claims by providing case studies of her clients, whose information has been made anonymous. She'll outline their problems, help them examine them in depth and then try to guide them toward a solution without making a moral issue of their behaviors, actions or desires.
She has some great ideas all around, especially when it comes to the fact that sexual fantasies are absolutely nothing like any other non-sexual fantasies and daydreams people have. With a typical daydream, you fantasize about what you want. A sexual fantasy is not so straightforward.
I was a bit troubled when I got to her brief chapter on non-monogamy. Though she doesn't seem opposed to it, she also strikes me as alarmingly supportive of monogamy, or at least emotional monogamy. She is very open to the idea of sexual trysts outside a committed relationship, but with all the talk of maintaining a separate sense of self to keep intimacy alive between couples, I'm actually a bit shocked that she doesn't explore polyamory *at all*.
Those bits aside, I found it a thoughtful and helpful book, confirming a lot of conclusions I'd long ago made about sex and intimacy.
April 10, 2015
When your entire book is based on the premise that intimacy kills desire, you've lost me. The idea that the closer you get to someone, the more comfortable with them, the safer you feel, the less attracted to them you are just seems ludicrous (and if that's true I feel like maybe you've got some solo therapy to do).
The idea that you should talk/share less, flirt with other men to create "safe" jealousy, and perhaps open your marriage up to other partners or dating other people....it just hardly seems like a solution. Mentioned early on, the "biological" premise for this theory is that people used to have shorter life spans so staying with the same person wasn't as hard. This is the same theory I hear from 20 somethings who don't want to settle down yet.
Not particularly valuable advice for anyone who wants to build a healthy lifelong relationship with their partner, in my opinion.
The idea that you should talk/share less, flirt with other men to create "safe" jealousy, and perhaps open your marriage up to other partners or dating other people....it just hardly seems like a solution. Mentioned early on, the "biological" premise for this theory is that people used to have shorter life spans so staying with the same person wasn't as hard. This is the same theory I hear from 20 somethings who don't want to settle down yet.
Not particularly valuable advice for anyone who wants to build a healthy lifelong relationship with their partner, in my opinion.
May 31, 2024
آیا رابطهی بلند مدت سکس رو میکُشه؟
بله، البته اگر بهش اجازه بدی
اِستر پِرِل رو از پادکست معروفش «از کجا باید شروع کنیم؟» میشناختم. پادکستی که در حقیقت جلسهی واقعی تراپی زوجهای مختلف با پِرِل هست و انگار در اتاق تراپی به روت باز شده و تو یواشکی یک گوشه نشستی و گوش میدی. نگاه اِستر پِرِل به مسائل رابطه همیشه برام جالب بود. نگاهی جدی و بدون تعارف اما با درک اینکه آدمها متفاوتند. در کتاب «جفتگیری در اسارت» هم همینطور به سراغ این موضوع سخت رفته. اینجا بخشهایی از کتاب که برام مهم بودند رو خلاصه میکنم
حس امنیت = مرگ اروتیک
به اوایل رابطه فکر کنید. به اون ناپایداری. زنگ میزنه؟ با کسی هست؟ من رو میخواد؟ فردا هم باهمیم؟ جاذبهای که این ناپایداری به وجود میاره با تزریق امنیت به رابطه از بین میره. حلقهی توی دستش و خونهی مشترک باعث میشه فکر کنی که فردا هم طرف جایی نمیره و «برای» خودته. در عین حال همین حس که روان انسان و زندگی آرام بهش نیاز داره، با شور جنسی در تضاده
!صمیمیت بیشتر، سکس کمتر
جذابیت اروتیک از کشف ناشناختهها میاد، از سفری پر پیچ و خم به مقصد انسانی دیگه. امروز غذای مورد علاقهش رو پیدا میکنی و فردا از کودکیش میشنوی. انقدر این مسیر رو میری که انگار خاطراتش، دردهاش و زندگیش با خاطرات، دردها و زندگی تو یکی میشن و اینجا دیگه سفر تمومه و شهوت خفه میشه. اینجا «دیگری» ای وجود نداره و دو انسان در هم ادغام شدند. رابطهی جنسی اما، اون «دیگری» رو مطالبه میکنه
رهایی از کلمات
جامعهی مدرن مکالمه رو پایهی اصلی هر رابطه میدونه. اما کلمات همیشه نمیتونن پل بین آدمها باشند و همه هم میانهی خوبی باهاشون ندارند. این وسواس ما برای «گفتن و شنیدن» باعث شده از «دیدن و حسکردن» دور بشیم و زبان عشق و صمیمیت رو به گفتار محدود کنیم. در صورتی که حس نزدیکی عمیقی میتونه از رفتارها و کارهای فیزیکی به وجود بیاد
بازی قدرت
یک صحنهی اروتیک رو تجسم کنید. آیا این شکلیه؟
نه شما اول بفرمایید، اجازه هست به دیوار فشارت بدم؟ ضربان قلب بالاست، میخوای نفسهای عمیق بکشی؟
ما خوشبختانه در دنیایی زندگی میکنیم که روز به روز به سمت تساوی و احترام بین انسانها و زن و مرد حرکت میکنه. ارزشهایی که یادمون میده اهمیت دادن به فرد مقابل مهمه. مشکل جایی شروع میشه که این ارزشها به نحوهی اشتباه وارد اتاق خواب میشه. مطمئن شدن از امنیت �� راحتی پارتنر و احترام متقابل مهمه، اما وقتی بازی شروع میشه، جذابیتش به بازی کردن با قدرته. اینکه با اجازهی فرد مقابل، خطر و ریسک وارد ماجرا بشه
نزدن سایهی فرد سوم
عجیبه اما سایهی فرد سومه که رابطه دو نفر رو قوی نگه میداره. اینکه سومیهایی هستند که همیشه «میتونن» انتخاب بشن اما «نمیشن». آره اون دختر بینهایته جذابه اما تو با منی. این مرد تو رو میخواد اما تو من رو انتخاب میکنی. خیلی از زوجها سعی میکنند این سومی فرضی رو بکشند و سایهش رو هم با تیر میزنند. حق نداری با جنس مخالف صحبت کنی، حق نداری تو اینستاگرام آدم غریبه یا جنس مخالف داشته باشی، چرا چشمت به اون دختره گیر کرد؟ یعنی فکر میکنی این بازیگره واقعا از من جذابتره؟ با این کارها فکر میکنیم که داریم رابطهمون رو نگه میداریم اما در واقع داریم از ریشه خشکش میکنیم
در مجموع اِستر پِرِل معتقده که حفظ فردیت در رابطه، کنجکاوی، ماجراجویی و تلاش آگاهانهست که بخش اروتیک رابطه رو زنده نگه میداره. هیچ نسخهای هم برای همهی رابطهها نمیشه پیچید و برای هر دو نفری این کلمات معانی مختلفی میتونن داشته باشند. برای یک زوج شاید قرار عاشقانهی فکر شده راهکار خوبی باشه و زوج دیگهای تصمیم بگیرند حتی راهکارهایی مثل سویینگ رو امتحان کنند که جامعه نمیپسنده
اینکه من شخصاً با چی موافق و مخالفم مهم نیست، چون من فقط حق دارم چهارچوبهای زندگی مشترک خودم رو تعیین کنم و حق ندارم بگم چی برای بقیه درست یا غلطه. برای همینه که حتی جایی که با نویسنده مخالفم، شجاعتش برای پنهان نشدن پشت «آنچه در این زمان درست به نظر میاد» رو تحسین میکنم
پ.ن: نوشتن این ریویو بیچارم کرد، کلی وقت گرفت و آخرم نشد اون چیزی که توی ذهنم بود
کتاب رو میتونید از اینجا دانلود کنید
Maede's Books
۱۴۰۳/۳/۱۰
January 27, 2015
Reading this book I soon found myself questioning every aspect of my marriage. Apparently, I should be keeping my wife at a distance or we'll get bored with each other. Maybe I rely too much on verbal communication to express my feelings? Sure, things are great now, but am I setting the stage for an unhappy 2nd act? Would my wife be happier married to someone who doesn't speak English?
I quit. I don't need a book to make me second-guess and doubt the happiest aspect of my life.
I quit. I don't need a book to make me second-guess and doubt the happiest aspect of my life.
February 6, 2022
Quite interesting to dive into a topic we al have feelings about but don’t talk often about.
Clear-eyed about the relationship between love and desire, and how to keep things fresh
The laundry won’t do itself you know.
And sex will?
Do watch the TEDTalk of the author: https://youtu.be/sa0RUmGTCYY
Esther Perel writes in a snappy, down to earth manner about the interaction of relationships and sexuality. Most often (the quality and/or frequency of) sex in a longterm relationship is seen as a proxy of the quality of the relationship, but the author, based on her experience as a counsellor to couples, notes that the reality is more complicated.
Basically the argument is, quite sensibly, that closeness between two people should not be so absolute as to become boring. Another person in a sense is always unknowable, but if you do everything together and only see each other in a household task driven, child centred environment, its no wonder that the mind sorts the partner in another bucket than exciting, thrilling and desirable.
The examples of real life couples facing struggles (which was quite refreshing, since we are all inundated by media that "real" love should be effortless and easy, which Perel calls The myth of spontaneity) in Mating in Captivity are rather high level to be fair. Also the contrast in sexual morality between Europe and the US, while relevant to the author her practice, didn't feel totally in place (although the following fact is interesting: In Europe teenage pregnancy is 8 times lower and teenagers in general have sex 2 years later)
But I did enjoy reading the book, and also the realisation of a therapist that talking is not the only solution to relationship problems. And sometimes case studies mentioned by the author also did not work out (Working through a conflict is not necessarily the same as solving it), so this is definitely not a self-help book that promises to fix everything through a few simple steps.
Quotes:
Is it possible to want what we already have?
Excitement can’t exist without uncertainty
Sacrifice passion for stability
Predictability is a mirage, we see in our partner what we want to see, and people jettison large parts of their personalities in their day to day life
Love seeks closeness while desire requires distance
It’s not like we don’t communicate, we just don’t talk
To play with roles goes a long way towards showing we are free from being controlled by roles.
A paradox to manage, not a problem to solve
You don’t stick a long enough to see each other’s flaws - about hit and run sex
Why is he so attractive till I remember he is my husband?
There is nothing like a fear of loss to make those shoes look new again
Seducing my partner? Do I still need to?
Waiting for the mood is like waiting for the second coming.
Clear-eyed about the relationship between love and desire, and how to keep things fresh
The laundry won’t do itself you know.
And sex will?
Do watch the TEDTalk of the author: https://youtu.be/sa0RUmGTCYY
Esther Perel writes in a snappy, down to earth manner about the interaction of relationships and sexuality. Most often (the quality and/or frequency of) sex in a longterm relationship is seen as a proxy of the quality of the relationship, but the author, based on her experience as a counsellor to couples, notes that the reality is more complicated.
Basically the argument is, quite sensibly, that closeness between two people should not be so absolute as to become boring. Another person in a sense is always unknowable, but if you do everything together and only see each other in a household task driven, child centred environment, its no wonder that the mind sorts the partner in another bucket than exciting, thrilling and desirable.
The examples of real life couples facing struggles (which was quite refreshing, since we are all inundated by media that "real" love should be effortless and easy, which Perel calls The myth of spontaneity) in Mating in Captivity are rather high level to be fair. Also the contrast in sexual morality between Europe and the US, while relevant to the author her practice, didn't feel totally in place (although the following fact is interesting: In Europe teenage pregnancy is 8 times lower and teenagers in general have sex 2 years later)
But I did enjoy reading the book, and also the realisation of a therapist that talking is not the only solution to relationship problems. And sometimes case studies mentioned by the author also did not work out (Working through a conflict is not necessarily the same as solving it), so this is definitely not a self-help book that promises to fix everything through a few simple steps.
Quotes:
Is it possible to want what we already have?
Excitement can’t exist without uncertainty
Sacrifice passion for stability
Predictability is a mirage, we see in our partner what we want to see, and people jettison large parts of their personalities in their day to day life
Love seeks closeness while desire requires distance
It’s not like we don’t communicate, we just don’t talk
To play with roles goes a long way towards showing we are free from being controlled by roles.
A paradox to manage, not a problem to solve
You don’t stick a long enough to see each other’s flaws - about hit and run sex
Why is he so attractive till I remember he is my husband?
There is nothing like a fear of loss to make those shoes look new again
Seducing my partner? Do I still need to?
Waiting for the mood is like waiting for the second coming.
May 24, 2009
I wanted this to be the answer to the last couple of fights I've had with my partner. The subtitle is "Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic", and so I'd hoped that this would help me understand why it is we fight with the one we love most, and how to prevent real problems before they happen. This is, after all, what the book promises to do.
But, unfortunately, it really falls short. Because while the author gives numerous anecdotal accounts of how this couple or that was able to reignite the flame of passion in their relationship, she fails to lay out any sort of plan for the reader to follow. For instance, she offers up the tale of how attending a yearly swingers' weekend in Vegas has permitted one couple to cheat on each other within a specific context and parameters, which for them puts an end to their desires to cheat in real life the rest of the year. It's lovely that this couple has harnessed the power of infidelity, but what about those of us who value monogamy and, um, our dignity?
She encourages the reader to consider that there is always a third party in a monogamous relationship: the one who is not there. That is to say, by choosing your partner you are implicitly rejecting everyone else. Yet having the same old spouse night after night - and balancing a busy life with a career, a home, and possibly children to look after - can get old, Perel claims, and make the Other, the Third, seem more and more appealing. Harness that interest, she recommends, and use it to infuse a sense of newness into the marriage: don a blond wig and meet your husband for lunch; give in and fantasize about your desires without the guilt; try a swingers' club and flirt with another woman - or do more than flirt.
Furthermore, Perel asserts that the very act of living together and growing in intimacy actually locks out the possibility for the erotic. Not unlike the concept of the Third, she discusses the effect that knowing too much about one person can decrease the thrill of knowing more and increase the excitement level of getting to know another.
She recommends that the reader take time to evaluate one's marriage and one's own personal needs to decide what might be a way to spice up the marriage. She even has a brief exercise for doing so, but offers little in the way of real guided introspection. In the end, I was left with many of the same questions I went in with. No revelation, no cultural insight on monogamy, and very little help at all.
But, unfortunately, it really falls short. Because while the author gives numerous anecdotal accounts of how this couple or that was able to reignite the flame of passion in their relationship, she fails to lay out any sort of plan for the reader to follow. For instance, she offers up the tale of how attending a yearly swingers' weekend in Vegas has permitted one couple to cheat on each other within a specific context and parameters, which for them puts an end to their desires to cheat in real life the rest of the year. It's lovely that this couple has harnessed the power of infidelity, but what about those of us who value monogamy and, um, our dignity?
She encourages the reader to consider that there is always a third party in a monogamous relationship: the one who is not there. That is to say, by choosing your partner you are implicitly rejecting everyone else. Yet having the same old spouse night after night - and balancing a busy life with a career, a home, and possibly children to look after - can get old, Perel claims, and make the Other, the Third, seem more and more appealing. Harness that interest, she recommends, and use it to infuse a sense of newness into the marriage: don a blond wig and meet your husband for lunch; give in and fantasize about your desires without the guilt; try a swingers' club and flirt with another woman - or do more than flirt.
Furthermore, Perel asserts that the very act of living together and growing in intimacy actually locks out the possibility for the erotic. Not unlike the concept of the Third, she discusses the effect that knowing too much about one person can decrease the thrill of knowing more and increase the excitement level of getting to know another.
She recommends that the reader take time to evaluate one's marriage and one's own personal needs to decide what might be a way to spice up the marriage. She even has a brief exercise for doing so, but offers little in the way of real guided introspection. In the end, I was left with many of the same questions I went in with. No revelation, no cultural insight on monogamy, and very little help at all.
August 19, 2014
I saw Esther Perel on The Colbert Report and as always, Colbert made the conversation interesting. I'm not one for self-help books or couple advice, but I was intrigued after that interview. I should have just stayed away.
The basis of this book appears to be "familiarity breeds contempt." Emotional distance, according to the author, equals a better sex life and therefore better marriage. I found this wholly contradictory and I could not get on board with her "therapy" message. Honestly Perel comes across as a poor therapist and the couples detailed do not, in all practicality, seem to belong together. I absolutely did not relate to the author or the couples and their problems. The overall lack of statistics and anything resembling facts or studies turned me off further. No, references to other writers' quotes and individuals (such as Tony Robbins, oy), do not bolster the book.
I also disliked that the author puts a lot of the pressure and fault on women. Women talk too much, women want to be too close, women are too prudish due to feminism. That was more than enough for me to call it quits with this ridiculous book.
The basis of this book appears to be "familiarity breeds contempt." Emotional distance, according to the author, equals a better sex life and therefore better marriage. I found this wholly contradictory and I could not get on board with her "therapy" message. Honestly Perel comes across as a poor therapist and the couples detailed do not, in all practicality, seem to belong together. I absolutely did not relate to the author or the couples and their problems. The overall lack of statistics and anything resembling facts or studies turned me off further. No, references to other writers' quotes and individuals (such as Tony Robbins, oy), do not bolster the book.
I also disliked that the author puts a lot of the pressure and fault on women. Women talk too much, women want to be too close, women are too prudish due to feminism. That was more than enough for me to call it quits with this ridiculous book.
December 27, 2014
"Joni is quite forthcoming in disclosing her sexual past... But when I ask her, 'What does sex mean to you? What are the feelings that accompany your desire? What do you seek in sex? What do you want to feel? To express? Where do you hold back?' she looks at me, perplexed. 'I have no idea,' she admits. 'No one's ever asked me that before.'"
No one's ever asked me that before.
Sex is simple—two people (occasionally more), in the same time, in the same place, with the same idea—that's all it is, all it takes. Look at things at a slightly different angle, and things get complicated fast.
Paradox underlies every meaningful human experience. As Perel writes beautifully:
In this book, Perel explores the polarity of desire and intimacy in modern relationships. She shows that the tension between exciting sex and loving companionship is difficult for many couples to reconcile because it is by nature irreconcilable.
We want to believe that passion is intimacy and vice versa, but to do so would be to equate stability and change, or action and reflection. It makes no sense to do so. The idea that the firmer the grasp we have on someone the less we want them is a cliche, but it is also so threatening to certain romantic ideals that we don't examine the mechanics that drive it too closely. We pathologize things instead: the need for erotic variety is commitment phobia, self-destructive chauvinism, or daddy or mommy issues; while the desire for stability can make one seem or feel needy, controlling, or manipulative. We don't realize that it is quite normal to need and want both stimulation and regularity from our romantic and sexual experiences at the same time.
Perel avoids simple answers and exposes many sticky assumptions that underlie even relatively sophisticated people's (feminists and the men who love them, LGBT couples, etc.) approaches to love and sex. It's not their (okay, our) fault.
Nor is it a specific failing of 21st century American society. My one big gripe with this book is that Perel does the social science thing wherein our struggle with reconciling passion and intimacy in our sexual relationships is a new thing... sexual equality and the pill divorced the institution of marriage from its economic and reproductive purpose and blah-de-blah. I call bullshit.
Feminism and birth control have shaped the paradox in a certain way, and perhaps made it difficult to talk about with clarity. However, marriage, the monogamous ideal, has never been only about economics and reproduction and preserving male power. It's always also been about love and sex, intensity and familiarity, trust and risk, as well. Today, as then, there are people who settle for stability without passion. Today, as then, there are people who refuse to settle. Today, as then, neither type are automatically better people than the other because of the type that they are.
It's nice, however, to read a thoughtful book whose soul is half poetry, half clinical rhetoric that has been written with the latter group in mind. Recommended.
No one's ever asked me that before.
Sex is simple—two people (occasionally more), in the same time, in the same place, with the same idea—that's all it is, all it takes. Look at things at a slightly different angle, and things get complicated fast.
Paradox underlies every meaningful human experience. As Perel writes beautifully:
"We find the same polarities in every system: stability and change, passion and reason, personal interest and collective well-being, action and reflection (to name but a few). These tensions exist in individuals, in couples, and in large organizations. They express dynamics that are part of the very nature of reality... you can't choose one over the other; the system needs both to survive."
In this book, Perel explores the polarity of desire and intimacy in modern relationships. She shows that the tension between exciting sex and loving companionship is difficult for many couples to reconcile because it is by nature irreconcilable.
We want to believe that passion is intimacy and vice versa, but to do so would be to equate stability and change, or action and reflection. It makes no sense to do so. The idea that the firmer the grasp we have on someone the less we want them is a cliche, but it is also so threatening to certain romantic ideals that we don't examine the mechanics that drive it too closely. We pathologize things instead: the need for erotic variety is commitment phobia, self-destructive chauvinism, or daddy or mommy issues; while the desire for stability can make one seem or feel needy, controlling, or manipulative. We don't realize that it is quite normal to need and want both stimulation and regularity from our romantic and sexual experiences at the same time.
Perel avoids simple answers and exposes many sticky assumptions that underlie even relatively sophisticated people's (feminists and the men who love them, LGBT couples, etc.) approaches to love and sex. It's not their (okay, our) fault.
Nor is it a specific failing of 21st century American society. My one big gripe with this book is that Perel does the social science thing wherein our struggle with reconciling passion and intimacy in our sexual relationships is a new thing... sexual equality and the pill divorced the institution of marriage from its economic and reproductive purpose and blah-de-blah. I call bullshit.
Feminism and birth control have shaped the paradox in a certain way, and perhaps made it difficult to talk about with clarity. However, marriage, the monogamous ideal, has never been only about economics and reproduction and preserving male power. It's always also been about love and sex, intensity and familiarity, trust and risk, as well. Today, as then, there are people who settle for stability without passion. Today, as then, there are people who refuse to settle. Today, as then, neither type are automatically better people than the other because of the type that they are.
It's nice, however, to read a thoughtful book whose soul is half poetry, half clinical rhetoric that has been written with the latter group in mind. Recommended.
November 25, 2021
The author's thesis is that relationships require a gap for a spark to cross, or that too much intimacy kills sex.
I stopped reading after getting fed up with the name dropping, failure to back up her claims, and offering conflicting, and potentially damaging advice in her book regarding relationships.
If you want a pop-sci self-help book that encourages infidelity, you might find comfort in this book. Otherwise I'd recommend staying away from this one.
I stopped reading after getting fed up with the name dropping, failure to back up her claims, and offering conflicting, and potentially damaging advice in her book regarding relationships.
If you want a pop-sci self-help book that encourages infidelity, you might find comfort in this book. Otherwise I'd recommend staying away from this one.
January 11, 2018
This book aptly inspects the question: Why passion, desire, eroticism and sexuality follow a downward spiral after marriage. Many elements contributing to this issue are examined with real case studies and often with practical suggestions.
There are a lot of eye-opening and counter intuitive insights in the book that if practiced, will reignite the engine of passion in a married life.
I highly recommend this book to everyone, not just couples.
There are a lot of eye-opening and counter intuitive insights in the book that if practiced, will reignite the engine of passion in a married life.
I highly recommend this book to everyone, not just couples.
March 29, 2021
Audiobook... read by Esther Perel (the author)
Esther Perel, sex therapist....
shares case studies about couples love lives — desires—arousal—eroticism—
exploring the mysteries of Eros..
Many aspects of sexuality are explored between couples:
....sexual communication, sharing fantasies, core beliefs, desire, aging, monogamy, affairs, intimacy, freedom, problems, comfort, closeness, barriers, spice, truth, couple-arrangements, sex as play, sex as love etc. etc.
....emotional aphrodisiacs....
“feelings are potent sexual intensifiers—but not always the ones you expect”.
“For married sex to be meaningful, it always needs to be an expression of love— preferably of life long abiding love”....
But....mindless sex, naughty-raw-almost forbidden sex - a wider range of erotica- doesn’t necessarily fuel the mind with the person we love most and live with...
But...
Good News....
exciting, playful, erotic sex ‘is’ possible in long term couple relationships!
Of course this isn’t a book everyone is dying to read....
but...its written with sincerity—a tool to contribute...
It’s refreshing and piercingly honest.
Paul enjoyed “Mating in Captivity” with me.
After 42 years together ... there just isn’t anything I can’t say to this cute guy I live with.
Esther Perel, sex therapist....
shares case studies about couples love lives — desires—arousal—eroticism—
exploring the mysteries of Eros..
Many aspects of sexuality are explored between couples:
....sexual communication, sharing fantasies, core beliefs, desire, aging, monogamy, affairs, intimacy, freedom, problems, comfort, closeness, barriers, spice, truth, couple-arrangements, sex as play, sex as love etc. etc.
....emotional aphrodisiacs....
“feelings are potent sexual intensifiers—but not always the ones you expect”.
“For married sex to be meaningful, it always needs to be an expression of love— preferably of life long abiding love”....
But....mindless sex, naughty-raw-almost forbidden sex - a wider range of erotica- doesn’t necessarily fuel the mind with the person we love most and live with...
But...
Good News....
exciting, playful, erotic sex ‘is’ possible in long term couple relationships!
Of course this isn’t a book everyone is dying to read....
but...its written with sincerity—a tool to contribute...
It’s refreshing and piercingly honest.
Paul enjoyed “Mating in Captivity” with me.
After 42 years together ... there just isn’t anything I can’t say to this cute guy I live with.
April 19, 2021
reading this concurrently with angela chen's Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex was an interesting experience that highlighted the limits of perel's (admittedly lovely) insights, at least in terms of applicability to my own life.
April 11, 2012
Enlightening. This is one of those books that make you better, educated, happier, confident and much more if you read this with a very very open mind. Doesn't give you advise nor tell you what's better, it just sets you free... I love it! Finished it in two days. Couldn't stop reading. Totally influencing my life right now.
October 24, 2020
This book is so much more erotically charged than the "50 Shades" fictional nonsense. Perel offers great insight into human desire -- for love, sex, connection, space -- and how we tend to thwart the very intimacy we crave by applying judgement to our desires. I haven't read a better reason to be hopeful that long term relationships can maintain, even increase, passion and desire than this --
"The counterargument to the law of diminishing returns is the principle that consistent investment leads to increased satisfaction. The more you do something, and the better you get at it, the more you're going to enjoy it. The weekly tennis player who continues to improve her game would argue for the positive effects of frequency. For her, Paris just keeps getting better [rather than tired, old, and boring.] The more she practices, the stronger her skills. The stronger her skills, the deeper her confidence. The more confident she feels, the more risks she takes. The more risks she takes, the more exciting the game. Of course, all this practice takes effort an discipline. It is not just a matter of being in the mood; it requires patience and sustained attention. The tennis player knows intuitively that growth is rarely linear; she may experience some plateaus and some slowdowns, but the reward is worth the effort.
Unfortunately, all too often we associate effort with work, and discipline with pain. But there's a different way to think of work. it can be creative and life-affirming, sparking a heightened sense of vitality rather than a bond-deep exhaustion. If we want sex to be fulfilling, then we have to apply effort in just this artful way." (p.211)
"The counterargument to the law of diminishing returns is the principle that consistent investment leads to increased satisfaction. The more you do something, and the better you get at it, the more you're going to enjoy it. The weekly tennis player who continues to improve her game would argue for the positive effects of frequency. For her, Paris just keeps getting better [rather than tired, old, and boring.] The more she practices, the stronger her skills. The stronger her skills, the deeper her confidence. The more confident she feels, the more risks she takes. The more risks she takes, the more exciting the game. Of course, all this practice takes effort an discipline. It is not just a matter of being in the mood; it requires patience and sustained attention. The tennis player knows intuitively that growth is rarely linear; she may experience some plateaus and some slowdowns, but the reward is worth the effort.
Unfortunately, all too often we associate effort with work, and discipline with pain. But there's a different way to think of work. it can be creative and life-affirming, sparking a heightened sense of vitality rather than a bond-deep exhaustion. If we want sex to be fulfilling, then we have to apply effort in just this artful way." (p.211)
September 8, 2015
Interesting, but not very practical--
The main argument of the book is this: intimacy begets comfort and boredom, distance unpredictability and excitement. Pretty commonsensical stuff, but when applied to marriage, it can be a powerful principle.
Most couples experience an increase in boredom as they become intimate and comfortable with each other and they start to yearn for the excitement. This transition is not only emotional but biological: a man's testosterone levels plummet after his wife gives birth to the first child and has difficulty achieving an erection.
Evolutionarily (see Sex at Dawn), men are wired to seek sexual variety. So this biological response makes total sense. As Sex at Dawn powerfully shows, human beings are NOT suited for monogamy, defined as life-long SEXUAL commitment to one person. Just look at the divorce rates and the number of affairs men have always had, and all those religious and moral strictures to enforce this "natural" pair-bonding, and you start to wonder.
And Perel implies this in the introduction. There are two kinds of people when it comes to marriage: idealists and realists. The former seek "the One," with whom they believe they can fall in love for the rest of their's lives, and thus inevitably going from one potential mate to another. Then the latter acknowledge the impossibility of this and stay with one person, sacrificing excitement for comfort and giving up that initial transforming experience of love forever. Perel asks: is there any way to reconcile these two views?
This, I thought, was a promising start, but most of the books deal with how she was able to fix some problems for the time being, and we're not told whether her method of creating distance within the relationship really works in the long haul, which is probably the most pressing issue at hand.
Her chapters sound like a mix of continental philosophy and romanticism when describing love, and she can wax poetic and that's enjoyable in itself, but she fails to provide anything practical, or at least I didn't gain a whole lot of practical tools from it.
One important insight I gained in my campaign to grapple with this issue of monogamy before I get married is that IF I were to marry, I have to be VERY clear from the get-go that sexual infidelity DOES NOT equal emotional fidelity. Granted, proposing to a girl with "I might fuck other girls, but I'll remain faithful to you in my heart" won't get you anywhere, but saying, "Look, if we're going to be life partners, I want you to understand that when shit goes down, we should NOT end it right there because of each other's SEXUAL infidelity and talk things out" might.
Perel covers non-traditional bonding configurations in one of her last chapters, and that was probably the most interesting: swingers, polyamorous families, sexual infidelity with consensus (and with STRICT rules). It told me that basically, each couple has to work out its own rules when it comes to sexual infidelity, because these nontraditional arrangements are, as one of the people from a case says, "not for everyone."
The important thing is, however, to be in the kind of relationship where sexual infidelity is not a deal breaker. For a traditional marriage to work, I'm pretty convinced, one has to be flexible, understand that sexual infidelity does not automatically mean emotional infidelity, and be able to work things out. Without that, men are almost guaranteed to cheat, women get hurt, and families broken, plus kids' lives destroyed. Not a pretty picture, I have to say.
Or, for those select few, polyamory may be the way to go.
The bottom line is: you should know the risks of traditional marriage and find your own answer to the problem evolution and biology thrust on us.
Good read, but not very practical.
The main argument of the book is this: intimacy begets comfort and boredom, distance unpredictability and excitement. Pretty commonsensical stuff, but when applied to marriage, it can be a powerful principle.
Most couples experience an increase in boredom as they become intimate and comfortable with each other and they start to yearn for the excitement. This transition is not only emotional but biological: a man's testosterone levels plummet after his wife gives birth to the first child and has difficulty achieving an erection.
Evolutionarily (see Sex at Dawn), men are wired to seek sexual variety. So this biological response makes total sense. As Sex at Dawn powerfully shows, human beings are NOT suited for monogamy, defined as life-long SEXUAL commitment to one person. Just look at the divorce rates and the number of affairs men have always had, and all those religious and moral strictures to enforce this "natural" pair-bonding, and you start to wonder.
And Perel implies this in the introduction. There are two kinds of people when it comes to marriage: idealists and realists. The former seek "the One," with whom they believe they can fall in love for the rest of their's lives, and thus inevitably going from one potential mate to another. Then the latter acknowledge the impossibility of this and stay with one person, sacrificing excitement for comfort and giving up that initial transforming experience of love forever. Perel asks: is there any way to reconcile these two views?
This, I thought, was a promising start, but most of the books deal with how she was able to fix some problems for the time being, and we're not told whether her method of creating distance within the relationship really works in the long haul, which is probably the most pressing issue at hand.
Her chapters sound like a mix of continental philosophy and romanticism when describing love, and she can wax poetic and that's enjoyable in itself, but she fails to provide anything practical, or at least I didn't gain a whole lot of practical tools from it.
One important insight I gained in my campaign to grapple with this issue of monogamy before I get married is that IF I were to marry, I have to be VERY clear from the get-go that sexual infidelity DOES NOT equal emotional fidelity. Granted, proposing to a girl with "I might fuck other girls, but I'll remain faithful to you in my heart" won't get you anywhere, but saying, "Look, if we're going to be life partners, I want you to understand that when shit goes down, we should NOT end it right there because of each other's SEXUAL infidelity and talk things out" might.
Perel covers non-traditional bonding configurations in one of her last chapters, and that was probably the most interesting: swingers, polyamorous families, sexual infidelity with consensus (and with STRICT rules). It told me that basically, each couple has to work out its own rules when it comes to sexual infidelity, because these nontraditional arrangements are, as one of the people from a case says, "not for everyone."
The important thing is, however, to be in the kind of relationship where sexual infidelity is not a deal breaker. For a traditional marriage to work, I'm pretty convinced, one has to be flexible, understand that sexual infidelity does not automatically mean emotional infidelity, and be able to work things out. Without that, men are almost guaranteed to cheat, women get hurt, and families broken, plus kids' lives destroyed. Not a pretty picture, I have to say.
Or, for those select few, polyamory may be the way to go.
The bottom line is: you should know the risks of traditional marriage and find your own answer to the problem evolution and biology thrust on us.
Good read, but not very practical.
February 19, 2016
It never ceases to amaze me how people insist on planning and preparing for the most trivial things in their lives, and then completely neglect all of the psychological and scientific information for the things that they themselves consider to be the most important or long-term in their lives, like their relationships.
This book tackles the notion of eroticism and domesticity - how they interact and play out in longer term relationships. It discusses how sexual desire can fade over time, the reasons for it doing so, such as creating a oneness in the couple that precludes individual sexual selves, and ways to try to create space for eroticism to. All of the above is peppered with undeniably insightful information about how love, marriage and sex has changed over the history of humankind, and why advice from previous generations might not really be applicable anymore.
It's illustrated throughout with examples from the author's own practice, and is incredibly non-judgemental of people's needs and desires, helping the reader understand why those needs/desires (or lack thereof) come from. It does repeat itself a little too much, but the relevance and importance of the content for modern couples who are unhappy with their erotic lives is undeniable.
The book reads very differently than Esther Perel's talks surrounding monogamy and non-monogamy, which I would highly recommend in addition to the book. A couple of good ones are here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iDlu...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7E9A...
This book tackles the notion of eroticism and domesticity - how they interact and play out in longer term relationships. It discusses how sexual desire can fade over time, the reasons for it doing so, such as creating a oneness in the couple that precludes individual sexual selves, and ways to try to create space for eroticism to. All of the above is peppered with undeniably insightful information about how love, marriage and sex has changed over the history of humankind, and why advice from previous generations might not really be applicable anymore.
It's illustrated throughout with examples from the author's own practice, and is incredibly non-judgemental of people's needs and desires, helping the reader understand why those needs/desires (or lack thereof) come from. It does repeat itself a little too much, but the relevance and importance of the content for modern couples who are unhappy with their erotic lives is undeniable.
The book reads very differently than Esther Perel's talks surrounding monogamy and non-monogamy, which I would highly recommend in addition to the book. A couple of good ones are here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iDlu...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7E9A...
May 4, 2015
Interesting, repetitive, it could've been condensed in one hundred pages, but that is the problem with these kind of books, they keep hammering the same concept over and over with slight variations. I saw Esther Poser's talk on Ted, which was very entertaining and the book just expands that.
January 9, 2025
Fantastisch boek over de dualiteit van onze nood aan veiligheid in lange relaties en hoe dat gegeven onze nood aan avontuur, speelsheid en seksualiteit/sensualiteit in de weg kan zitten.
Maar ook over de rol van cultuur, het patriarchaat, wat we leren te geloven over relaties en lichamelijkheid en waar dat clasht.
Over schaamte, angst, schuld, alles dat onuitgesproken blijft.
Heel veel interessant voer om verder op te sjieken, en dat voor een euro in de Kringloopwinkel.
Vind ik leuk.
Maar ook over de rol van cultuur, het patriarchaat, wat we leren te geloven over relaties en lichamelijkheid en waar dat clasht.
Over schaamte, angst, schuld, alles dat onuitgesproken blijft.
Heel veel interessant voer om verder op te sjieken, en dat voor een euro in de Kringloopwinkel.
Vind ik leuk.
November 1, 2017
A cutting statement that rings, “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did[..]”, points to a problem and the balance that the author aims to bring more guidance around in the frame of long-term committed relationships. To maintain the sparks, Perel says there is a need to balance Love, which is about having, with Desire, which is about wanting, and creating a sense of oneness for deep emotional connection, without possessing of the other person. Autonomy and individual for a life outside the relationship is important, to fight off the feeling of captivity or lack of freedom, which can cause friction or co-dependency in the relationship. Perel also emphasized the importance of play and the necessity for feeling of vulnerability and excitement in our love lives. I got tremendous value out of this book, and Perel’s insights and experiences were new to me and I have an urge to revisit the book to undercover more gems I may have glimpsed over.
April 19, 2018
A very well written book with bold and more or less original ideas, but if you want to read it, don’t go for the audiobook. The author has an excellent command of written English, but her very strong Belgian accent makes following the text a hassle. It’s unfortunate that the task of creating the audiobook was not assigned to a professional reader.
January 11, 2018
80% of this is solid advice, the remaining 20% is there to get headlines - and to help the couples rethink themselves
I first learned about Esther Perel from a friend, and then from the New Yorker, where she is supposedly 'rethinking infidelity.'
Is she? Yes - but she's not telling anyone to cheat either. Perel just recognizes that there is a lot of unhappiness in monogamous couples, and a lot of sexual dysfunction.
So though she doesn't tell them to cheat, she may tell them to at least look in that direction. When a woman complains that she can't be sexual with her husband after she marries him:
Perel does not want this woman to divorce her husband. She is trying to shock her patient into reframing how she sees her marriage and herself.
This kind of thinking gets Perel the headlines.
But most of the book is solid advice.
Is she controversial? Sort of. She's only going to tell you to 'flirt with another person' if your relationship, and your partner, demands it.
Most of her book is advice - which I will list below.
On being right
On biological realities
On the myth of stress being the only couple in a dwindling sex drive
On different needs from our parents
On changes after having a child
I first learned about Esther Perel from a friend, and then from the New Yorker, where she is supposedly 'rethinking infidelity.'
Is she? Yes - but she's not telling anyone to cheat either. Perel just recognizes that there is a lot of unhappiness in monogamous couples, and a lot of sexual dysfunction.
So though she doesn't tell them to cheat, she may tell them to at least look in that direction. When a woman complains that she can't be sexual with her husband after she marries him:
“Why don’t you divorce him?” I suggest. “Stay with him but divorce him. If you’re not married to him, he won’t look like such a homebody.” “You know what I said to him?” she admits, “I said, ‘If you left me today I would be sexually interested in you.’”
Perel does not want this woman to divorce her husband. She is trying to shock her patient into reframing how she sees her marriage and herself.
This kind of thinking gets Perel the headlines.
But most of the book is solid advice.
Is she controversial? Sort of. She's only going to tell you to 'flirt with another person' if your relationship, and your partner, demands it.
Most of her book is advice - which I will list below.
On being right
WHEN MY MOTHER TALKED ABOUT relationships, she didn’t have much to say about intimacy. “You need two things in a marriage,” she told me. “You need the will to make it work and you need to be able to make compromises. It’s not hard to be right, but then you are right and alone.”
On biological realities
There’s an evolutionary anthropologist named Helen Fisher who explains that lust is metabolically expensive. It’s hard to sustain after the evolutionary payoff: the kids. You become so focused on the incessant demands of daily life that you short-circuit any electric charge between you.
On the myth of stress being the only couple in a dwindling sex drive
But when my patients cite the all-too-real stresses of modern life to explain why romance went south, I suggest that there may be more to it. After all, stress was a reliable feature of their lives long before they met, and it didn’t stop them from leaping into one another’s arms.
On different needs from our parents
Each child brings an individual resilience to the lottery of life. What might feel good to one will feel overwhelming to another. Some of us may wish our parents had been more involved, while others may cringe at memories of their parents’ scrutiny and intrusion.
On changes after having a child
The transition from two to three is one of the most profound challenges a couple will ever face. It takes time—time measured in years, not weeks—to find our bearings in this brave new world.
March 16, 2025
Is it possible to sustain erotic desire in a committed, long-term relationship? The answer, Esther Perel believes, is yes, and she wrote this book in hopes of showing us the way. The key to sustaining desire, she believes, is paradoxically to find ways to make your relationship less secure. This is paradoxical because monogamous relationships demand security -- vows of commitment and emotional safety -- while erotic passion thrives on uncertainty, risk, perhaps even hints of violence.
Imagine, on the one hand, some kind, soft-spoken man who has a way with kids. Imagine, on the other hand, some rugged bad boy who wants to rip off your clothes and do it right there on the kitchen floor. We want to grow old with the soft-spoken man, Perel writes, but it's the bad boy who excites us. But we can in fact have both if we occasionally create opportunities for the soft-spoken man to become the bad boy -- for example, by allowing sex to be rough and objectifying, by acting out different sexual fantasies, by introducing "the third" into the relationship. (And "the third" need not be a venture into non-monogamy.)
Perel has much to offer, and there are times when she makes great sense. At other times, however, she treats her formula as a universal cure-all and fails to accept the validity of other perspectives. Perhaps most troubling, she dismisses the idea that improving emotional intimacy can improve a couple's sex life. Sue Johnson and others have presented ample evidence for this latter viewpoint, explaining that for women in particular a secure emotional attachment is a prerequisite for sexual arousal. Perel promulgates a view that many men might initially welcome, but I wonder if some of her advice will drive some couples further apart.
Like all great iconoclasts, Perel pushes us to think outside the box, and she offers a number of gems, including many fascinating stories from her own therapeutic practice. But even when reading through some of these stories, I couldn't help but think that some of her clients had avoidant attachment styles and most needed help better connecting to their partners, not encouragement to actualize some French maid fantasy. So if you're looking to enrich your erotic life, you might be helped by this book, but make sure it's not the only work you consult.
Imagine, on the one hand, some kind, soft-spoken man who has a way with kids. Imagine, on the other hand, some rugged bad boy who wants to rip off your clothes and do it right there on the kitchen floor. We want to grow old with the soft-spoken man, Perel writes, but it's the bad boy who excites us. But we can in fact have both if we occasionally create opportunities for the soft-spoken man to become the bad boy -- for example, by allowing sex to be rough and objectifying, by acting out different sexual fantasies, by introducing "the third" into the relationship. (And "the third" need not be a venture into non-monogamy.)
Perel has much to offer, and there are times when she makes great sense. At other times, however, she treats her formula as a universal cure-all and fails to accept the validity of other perspectives. Perhaps most troubling, she dismisses the idea that improving emotional intimacy can improve a couple's sex life. Sue Johnson and others have presented ample evidence for this latter viewpoint, explaining that for women in particular a secure emotional attachment is a prerequisite for sexual arousal. Perel promulgates a view that many men might initially welcome, but I wonder if some of her advice will drive some couples further apart.
Like all great iconoclasts, Perel pushes us to think outside the box, and she offers a number of gems, including many fascinating stories from her own therapeutic practice. But even when reading through some of these stories, I couldn't help but think that some of her clients had avoidant attachment styles and most needed help better connecting to their partners, not encouragement to actualize some French maid fantasy. So if you're looking to enrich your erotic life, you might be helped by this book, but make sure it's not the only work you consult.
January 27, 2022
I want to write a deeply scathing and detailed review of this book, but I honestly can’t justify wasting more of my time on it. Are you a straight, cis person in a traditional marriage who secretly hates your spouse? Then, maybe this book is for you. It’s chalk full of what my girlfriend calls “straight people brain worms”. I spent most of the time I was reading it feeling angry, which was disappointing because I’ve had Perel on my too read pile for years. Save yourself some time and just, like, talk to your partner like they’re a person you love and respect, maybe?
June 9, 2021
Interesting read on the infinite quest for secure love VS lasting passion. The title itself is what brought me to this book, as I found it hilarious.
The New York therapist Esther Perel underlines the contradictions between the wish for a stable, healthy and secure relationship with your significant other and the requirements for passion after the first few years of the “honeymoon phase”: risk, uncertainty and mystery.
Mating in Captivity depicts many stories of couples having this kind of issues, but it does not really gets practical in the way that you do not really get precise solutions. It mostly consist of the author describing the couple’s issue, and then explaining why there are in this situation. Not much on how to get them out of this rut, or even if they eventually did.
If you are in a long term relationship, or plan to be in one, this could be an interesting read. The vocabulary seemed carefully selected and the experience was entertaining, however I cannot say that I do remember much of it after a couple of days.
The audiobook is read by the author, always a plus in my opinion.
The New York therapist Esther Perel underlines the contradictions between the wish for a stable, healthy and secure relationship with your significant other and the requirements for passion after the first few years of the “honeymoon phase”: risk, uncertainty and mystery.
Mating in Captivity depicts many stories of couples having this kind of issues, but it does not really gets practical in the way that you do not really get precise solutions. It mostly consist of the author describing the couple’s issue, and then explaining why there are in this situation. Not much on how to get them out of this rut, or even if they eventually did.
If you are in a long term relationship, or plan to be in one, this could be an interesting read. The vocabulary seemed carefully selected and the experience was entertaining, however I cannot say that I do remember much of it after a couple of days.
The audiobook is read by the author, always a plus in my opinion.
September 13, 2021
Nonsense. The only way I can figure this book became an "international best seller" is because so often sensational sentences are mistaken for logical/interesting/valid ones.
Infidelity (or the threat of it) as a tool for marriage strengthening? Hard pass.
[Negative stars! Anti-stars! Drop this book off a pier with cement shoes stars!]
Infidelity (or the threat of it) as a tool for marriage strengthening? Hard pass.
[Negative stars! Anti-stars! Drop this book off a pier with cement shoes stars!]
March 14, 2022
This book is a collection of anecdotes and stories drawn from the author's experience as a therapist in New York city, revolving in various ways around the central point that long-term intimacy kills spur-of-the-moment eroticism and passion.
If you are looking for anything resembling systematic evidence, statistics, or references to research, this book is not for you. It's literally just a collection of the author's impressions, without much of an attempt to bring in other empirical evidence. Even passages screaming for some reference or anything to lend credence to the author's assertions, have none. E.g. take these sweeping, broad claims about Europeans:
Europeans, in contrast, view adolescent sexuality as a normal developmental stage on the way to healthy adult sexuality. Sex is not a problem; being irresponsible about sex is. [...] It’s also worth noting that in Europe, teenagers engage in sexual activity an average of two years later than their American counterparts, and the rate at which teenagers give birth is a staggering eight times less.
There is nothing else offered to the reader to confirm that these stereotypes do indeed accurately describe Europeans' views on sex, or the specific claim about when European teenagers have sex compared to American teenagers (and to be clear, I am not disputing the claim, the problem is that there is 0 attempt to these statements up with external references).
In general, I found the writing style itself off putting: excessively flowery and leaning in the direction of pseudo-profound bullshit (which one may apply to the book as a whole, maybe). For example:
My belief, reinforced by twenty years of practice, is that in the course of establishing security, many couples confuse love with merging. This mix-up is a bad omen for sex. To sustain an élan toward the other, there must be a synapse to cross. Eroticism requires separateness. In other words, eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other. In order to commune with the one we love, we must be able to tolerate this void and its pall of uncertainties.
What is a "synapse to cross"? Or this one:
Through sex he reaches an egoless oblivion that makes him feel at one with the world. Passion grants Doug ultimate relief from the unbearable aloneness of being.
(And no, this is not a snippet I got from wisdomofchopra dot com, actual text from the book.)
In sum, this book was one of the hardest for me to slog through. It clearly is appealing to many people, and that's fine, but for me what I will remember is how I managed to fail so incredibly when self-selecting into reading it.
If you are looking for anything resembling systematic evidence, statistics, or references to research, this book is not for you. It's literally just a collection of the author's impressions, without much of an attempt to bring in other empirical evidence. Even passages screaming for some reference or anything to lend credence to the author's assertions, have none. E.g. take these sweeping, broad claims about Europeans:
Europeans, in contrast, view adolescent sexuality as a normal developmental stage on the way to healthy adult sexuality. Sex is not a problem; being irresponsible about sex is. [...] It’s also worth noting that in Europe, teenagers engage in sexual activity an average of two years later than their American counterparts, and the rate at which teenagers give birth is a staggering eight times less.
There is nothing else offered to the reader to confirm that these stereotypes do indeed accurately describe Europeans' views on sex, or the specific claim about when European teenagers have sex compared to American teenagers (and to be clear, I am not disputing the claim, the problem is that there is 0 attempt to these statements up with external references).
In general, I found the writing style itself off putting: excessively flowery and leaning in the direction of pseudo-profound bullshit (which one may apply to the book as a whole, maybe). For example:
My belief, reinforced by twenty years of practice, is that in the course of establishing security, many couples confuse love with merging. This mix-up is a bad omen for sex. To sustain an élan toward the other, there must be a synapse to cross. Eroticism requires separateness. In other words, eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other. In order to commune with the one we love, we must be able to tolerate this void and its pall of uncertainties.
What is a "synapse to cross"? Or this one:
Through sex he reaches an egoless oblivion that makes him feel at one with the world. Passion grants Doug ultimate relief from the unbearable aloneness of being.
(And no, this is not a snippet I got from wisdomofchopra dot com, actual text from the book.)
In sum, this book was one of the hardest for me to slog through. It clearly is appealing to many people, and that's fine, but for me what I will remember is how I managed to fail so incredibly when self-selecting into reading it.
February 4, 2015
How does one begin a review of a book about eroticism in long-term relationships? And, more personally, how does a single man currently outside a long-term relationship do so? I have no idea, so I'll just say that this is an excellent introduction into an incredibly complex topic.
The core issue that Perel addresses is the inherent tension between what are arguably our two greatest needs in a long-term romantic relationship: continued sexual chemistry and emotional safety. Because the former requires some degree of emotional distance and autonomy that is, of course, anathema to the latter, most couples find themselves tied up in a Gordian knot--either feeling close and safe but sexually muted, or alternatively, sexually alive but emotionally distant and vulnerable.
Perel discusses some of the mechanics of how attraction works, why we feel it for some people and not for others, and how it's often lost as a relationship progresses. This part was the most germane to me, and explained brilliantly why I've experienced attraction to some women but not to others. Not only is this knowledge helpful in understanding the past, but I expect it to aid me in seeing and facilitating attraction in future relationships as well.
The brunt of the book is spent describing ways in which couples can enliven their sexual lives. Perel's approach is reasoned and open-ended, employing paradigmatic guidance in lieu of discrete proscriptions. I found these parts interesting and informative, but of course not directly relevant for me at this time. And since I couldn't bring personal experience to bear on them, I had to take them based on their logic alone (which seemed solid, for what it's worth).
All in all, I'd recommend this book. For those who feel skittish discussing (or reading) about sexual topics, Perel's approach may feel a bit direct or indelicate--but that, of course, is what you get in a book authored by a renowned sex therapist. And besides, we're all adults here, right?
The core issue that Perel addresses is the inherent tension between what are arguably our two greatest needs in a long-term romantic relationship: continued sexual chemistry and emotional safety. Because the former requires some degree of emotional distance and autonomy that is, of course, anathema to the latter, most couples find themselves tied up in a Gordian knot--either feeling close and safe but sexually muted, or alternatively, sexually alive but emotionally distant and vulnerable.
Perel discusses some of the mechanics of how attraction works, why we feel it for some people and not for others, and how it's often lost as a relationship progresses. This part was the most germane to me, and explained brilliantly why I've experienced attraction to some women but not to others. Not only is this knowledge helpful in understanding the past, but I expect it to aid me in seeing and facilitating attraction in future relationships as well.
The brunt of the book is spent describing ways in which couples can enliven their sexual lives. Perel's approach is reasoned and open-ended, employing paradigmatic guidance in lieu of discrete proscriptions. I found these parts interesting and informative, but of course not directly relevant for me at this time. And since I couldn't bring personal experience to bear on them, I had to take them based on their logic alone (which seemed solid, for what it's worth).
All in all, I'd recommend this book. For those who feel skittish discussing (or reading) about sexual topics, Perel's approach may feel a bit direct or indelicate--but that, of course, is what you get in a book authored by a renowned sex therapist. And besides, we're all adults here, right?
September 29, 2020
Am aflat că dragostea și dorința nu se exclud reciproc, dar de multe ori nici nu se manifestă în același timp.
Există două categorii de oameni în ceea ce privește erotismul în toată splendoarea lui: romanticii și realiștii.
Romanticii pun preț pe intensitate în defavoarea stabilit��ții.
Realiștii prețuiesc siguranța mai mult decât pasiunea. Dar ambele tabere se întreabă ce pot face oamenii ca să aibă și dragoste și dorință în cadrul aceleași relații de-a lungul timpului.
Interesantă carte și utilă chiar, mai ales că vin dintr-o țară în care sexul e un subiect tabu și e o rușine mare să vorbești deschis despre el.
Există două categorii de oameni în ceea ce privește erotismul în toată splendoarea lui: romanticii și realiștii.
Romanticii pun preț pe intensitate în defavoarea stabilit��ții.
Realiștii prețuiesc siguranța mai mult decât pasiunea. Dar ambele tabere se întreabă ce pot face oamenii ca să aibă și dragoste și dorință în cadrul aceleași relații de-a lungul timpului.
Interesantă carte și utilă chiar, mai ales că vin dintr-o țară în care sexul e un subiect tabu și e o rușine mare să vorbești deschis despre el.
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