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The Year My Family Unravelled
Cynthia Dearborn is struggling to convince her father, who has vascular dementia, to move into an aged care facility. He won't budge. Further complicating matters is the fact that Cynthia lives in Sydney, and her father in Seattle. Truth be told, it suits her to live halfway around the world from her family.
Cynthia's attempts to get her father and stepmother into care, and to protect them from themselves and each other, drive this compelling memoir. But braided in is a deeply moving and surprising backstory about Cynthia's tumultuous childhood and the difficult relationships she had with both parents.
The Year My Family Unravelled continues to surprise right to the last page. Despite heavy subject matter - mental decline, illness, abuse, death - this is a memoir of buoyancy and hope. Ultimately, it is a story about redemption, self-worth, and the tangled and often contradictory impulses of love.
Cynthia's attempts to get her father and stepmother into care, and to protect them from themselves and each other, drive this compelling memoir. But braided in is a deeply moving and surprising backstory about Cynthia's tumultuous childhood and the difficult relationships she had with both parents.
The Year My Family Unravelled continues to surprise right to the last page. Despite heavy subject matter - mental decline, illness, abuse, death - this is a memoir of buoyancy and hope. Ultimately, it is a story about redemption, self-worth, and the tangled and often contradictory impulses of love.
- GenresMemoir
340 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 30, 2023
10 people are currently reading
140 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
May 20, 2023
“The Year My Family Unravelled” is an apt title for this harrowing memoir by Cynthia Dearborn. Gripping right from the start, her masterful prose has readers immediately invested in the outcome.
Negotiating care for ageing parents with dementia is never less than challenging. In Dearborn’s case, it was compounded by the fact that she lives in Australia and her father and stepmother lived in Seattle. Added to this, her father suffered from OCD, diabetes and severe paranoia, his house was virtually unliveable, and he obstinately refused to admit either that he had dementia or needed to move. And then to top it off, her stepmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and moved out to go live with her son, virtually abandoning him to his fate. Once Dearborn discovered her father was double dosing himself with insulin, thereby dicing with death, she had no choice but to become not just a carer but a vigilante.
That she stuck it out through the fear, trauma, guilt and tumult of this chaotic year is nothing short of incredulous. In numerous flashbacks to her childhood, which was a nightmare of abuse, neglect and hardship, she shows how she developed a level of emotional resilience strong enough to not just survive but go on to reinvent herself as a successful academic and writer and forge a healthy and loving relationship of her own.
Families, even the best of them, entwine us in sticky webs of love, hate, resentment, fear and longing. In Dearborn’s case, when she stepped in to steer her father through his crisis, it was not only the present conflicts but the traumatic past she had to grapple with. Perhaps, though, for her the most confronting was the recognition that the father she loved but still feared, now depended utterly on her for his survival.
This is memoir at its most raw and compelling, brilliantly narrated and so relevant to the many families struggling with the aged care crisis.
Thanks to NetGalley and Affirm Press for giving me an advance review copy of the book.
Negotiating care for ageing parents with dementia is never less than challenging. In Dearborn’s case, it was compounded by the fact that she lives in Australia and her father and stepmother lived in Seattle. Added to this, her father suffered from OCD, diabetes and severe paranoia, his house was virtually unliveable, and he obstinately refused to admit either that he had dementia or needed to move. And then to top it off, her stepmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and moved out to go live with her son, virtually abandoning him to his fate. Once Dearborn discovered her father was double dosing himself with insulin, thereby dicing with death, she had no choice but to become not just a carer but a vigilante.
That she stuck it out through the fear, trauma, guilt and tumult of this chaotic year is nothing short of incredulous. In numerous flashbacks to her childhood, which was a nightmare of abuse, neglect and hardship, she shows how she developed a level of emotional resilience strong enough to not just survive but go on to reinvent herself as a successful academic and writer and forge a healthy and loving relationship of her own.
Families, even the best of them, entwine us in sticky webs of love, hate, resentment, fear and longing. In Dearborn’s case, when she stepped in to steer her father through his crisis, it was not only the present conflicts but the traumatic past she had to grapple with. Perhaps, though, for her the most confronting was the recognition that the father she loved but still feared, now depended utterly on her for his survival.
This is memoir at its most raw and compelling, brilliantly narrated and so relevant to the many families struggling with the aged care crisis.
Thanks to NetGalley and Affirm Press for giving me an advance review copy of the book.
April 10, 2025
The Year My Family Unravelled by Cynthia Dearborn contains all the best elements of memoir - honesty, emotion and empathy. It is well structured and the narrative is compelling. It essentially looks at the daughter father bond and in this case it is the daughter’s love which is boundless.
As a bonus, and due to Dearborn’s father being a passionate and lifelong poetry lover, the prose is peppered with heartfelt and relevant lines of poetry, mostly by well known American poets - Sara Teasdale, Conrad Aiken, Anne Sexton are some of those who feature throughout.
Dearborn’s memoir focuses upon a particularly difficult period in her life when her father, suffering dementia, hoarding and OCD is refusing to go into care. What makes this memoir so special is that her father, poetic zeal aside, was a most imperfect man: an absent and violent father and husband. Dearborn takes the reader on a journey that is raw with personal memories that affected her identity but this journey is also filled with poignancy. It is an example of unflagging devotion and unconditional love from a daughter who is saved by her ability to forgive.
4.5 stars
As a bonus, and due to Dearborn’s father being a passionate and lifelong poetry lover, the prose is peppered with heartfelt and relevant lines of poetry, mostly by well known American poets - Sara Teasdale, Conrad Aiken, Anne Sexton are some of those who feature throughout.
Dearborn’s memoir focuses upon a particularly difficult period in her life when her father, suffering dementia, hoarding and OCD is refusing to go into care. What makes this memoir so special is that her father, poetic zeal aside, was a most imperfect man: an absent and violent father and husband. Dearborn takes the reader on a journey that is raw with personal memories that affected her identity but this journey is also filled with poignancy. It is an example of unflagging devotion and unconditional love from a daughter who is saved by her ability to forgive.
4.5 stars
June 3, 2023
The Year My Family Unravelled is a thoughtful memoir that follows Dearborn as she lovingly watches her father fall prey to the wolf of dementia. A mixture of memories and current events, this book is heartfelt; we understand both Cynthia's painful past and her anguish at wanting her father to be safe and cared for. The writing is able to present both the reality of the human condition and the forgiveness we need to undertake in order to show true, authentic love. Boy - I don't cry in books. 3 up to this point; but this one pushed me over the edge (in a good way). It was unapologetic in its raw imagery and I felt Dearborn's anguish and exhaustion as my own. Really worth a read.
January 2, 2025
Interesting true story about an adult daughter and the impact her father’s dementia has on their lives.
This would be particularly interesting to anyone dealing with a family member with dementia. It’s nicely written and I liked how the rough times in the pair’s past weren’t glossed over.
This would be particularly interesting to anyone dealing with a family member with dementia. It’s nicely written and I liked how the rough times in the pair’s past weren’t glossed over.
September 25, 2023
I feel “The Year My Family Unravelled” is a memoir written in a manner that is interesting, honest & sincere. I wanted it to be more raw in terms the emotional expression but it probably would have been exhausting to write it in that way. As a person dealing with dementia within my family (from afar) it is great to read about another’s experience of how things unfold; especially in terms of the changing family dynamic.
My heart goes out to the author who showed so much compassion for her parents, who treated her so badly. It takes an immense inner strength to behave in that way. It is a book I will reflect on for many years to come. I think the last few concluding lines were amazing & quite touching.
My heart goes out to the author who showed so much compassion for her parents, who treated her so badly. It takes an immense inner strength to behave in that way. It is a book I will reflect on for many years to come. I think the last few concluding lines were amazing & quite touching.
August 30, 2023
You may have heard of the “sandwich generation” – a cohort of middle-aged people caught between caring for their growing children and their ageing parents. This is where Cynthia Dearborn sits. Her father Russ and his second wife Beth live in Seattle. Cynthia lives in Sydney. She becomes aware that her father’s health is failing – that he has vascular dementia. He can’t look after himself, his home is made hazardous through hoarding and Beth has cancer – and she is leaving him.
So Cynthia must attempt to convince her increasingly paranoid father to move into assisted living – despite the fact that her dad is in aggressive denial about his circumstances. The process is further complicated by the ways in which their relationship is exposed over the course of the book. She loves her father – but she hasn’t always felt safe with him.
Her father can’t remember lots of basic things but he does remember the poems that have given him much pleasure over time – and verse percolates through the narrative providing little bits of illumination. I especially like the words of a poet named Conrad Aiken (who apparently was awarded a Pulitzer) whose words are recorded several times in this book.
This seemed apposite:
“He sings of a house he lived in long ago
It is strange; this house of dust was the house I lived in;
The house you lived in, the house that all of us know.”
As Cynthia tries to get her father into a safe place, she is struck by many recollections of her childhood and teenage years – of the hurts inflicted by both parents. She also considers her father objectively, trying to see him as a man as well as a father – in the way that we often do as we get older and have cause to think about the lives of our parents. This reviewer describes it well: “Dearborn unveils the ways in which the caregiver’s return to the family fold can involve a return to the quagmire of childhood. Driven by old fears of abandonment, Dearborn regresses to a placatory role, behaviour that stalls the arrangement of sustainable care for her parents and also her own liberation.” (https://www.thesaturdaypaper.com.au/c...) Dearborn writes “I’ve automatically turned myself into a smooth, clean shell; an empty husk; safe from hurt. No feelings; no needs; no wants; no self. It takes years of practice to master disappearing. Then years of practice to master speaking out, years that can unravel in minutes if you’re fool enough to stay at your parent’s house.”
That reviewer goes on to say: “Dearborn’s memoir is also fascinating for its exploration of how dementia can intersect with wilful forgetting. She knows from others that her father’s life was one of extreme deprivation, but when it comes to her father, “nothing has stuck about his own childhood”, meaning that his caginess is entirely familiar.“
When Cynthia visits a support group for long distance carers of people with dementia, she quotes to herself some more Aiken:
“Yet you, too, all have had your dark adventures,
Your sudden adventures, or strange or sweet”
I think that’s why I like memoirs or books like these – for their insights into dark adventures – but also those that are strange or sweet. I found this very readable - and related to the concept of the sandwich generation. I'm grateful that I was spared the difficulty of negotiating dementia with my parents - it was hard enough just managing routine medical emergencies (with a number of siblings doing as much or more than me) and the vulnerabilities of my parents as they got older.
So Cynthia must attempt to convince her increasingly paranoid father to move into assisted living – despite the fact that her dad is in aggressive denial about his circumstances. The process is further complicated by the ways in which their relationship is exposed over the course of the book. She loves her father – but she hasn’t always felt safe with him.
Her father can’t remember lots of basic things but he does remember the poems that have given him much pleasure over time – and verse percolates through the narrative providing little bits of illumination. I especially like the words of a poet named Conrad Aiken (who apparently was awarded a Pulitzer) whose words are recorded several times in this book.
This seemed apposite:
“He sings of a house he lived in long ago
It is strange; this house of dust was the house I lived in;
The house you lived in, the house that all of us know.”
As Cynthia tries to get her father into a safe place, she is struck by many recollections of her childhood and teenage years – of the hurts inflicted by both parents. She also considers her father objectively, trying to see him as a man as well as a father – in the way that we often do as we get older and have cause to think about the lives of our parents. This reviewer describes it well: “Dearborn unveils the ways in which the caregiver’s return to the family fold can involve a return to the quagmire of childhood. Driven by old fears of abandonment, Dearborn regresses to a placatory role, behaviour that stalls the arrangement of sustainable care for her parents and also her own liberation.” (https://www.thesaturdaypaper.com.au/c...) Dearborn writes “I’ve automatically turned myself into a smooth, clean shell; an empty husk; safe from hurt. No feelings; no needs; no wants; no self. It takes years of practice to master disappearing. Then years of practice to master speaking out, years that can unravel in minutes if you’re fool enough to stay at your parent’s house.”
That reviewer goes on to say: “Dearborn’s memoir is also fascinating for its exploration of how dementia can intersect with wilful forgetting. She knows from others that her father’s life was one of extreme deprivation, but when it comes to her father, “nothing has stuck about his own childhood”, meaning that his caginess is entirely familiar.“
When Cynthia visits a support group for long distance carers of people with dementia, she quotes to herself some more Aiken:
“Yet you, too, all have had your dark adventures,
Your sudden adventures, or strange or sweet”
I think that’s why I like memoirs or books like these – for their insights into dark adventures – but also those that are strange or sweet. I found this very readable - and related to the concept of the sandwich generation. I'm grateful that I was spared the difficulty of negotiating dementia with my parents - it was hard enough just managing routine medical emergencies (with a number of siblings doing as much or more than me) and the vulnerabilities of my parents as they got older.
October 6, 2024
Absolutely masterful writing style which forces the reader to form a deep attachment to the characters from the outset. I was unable to put this book down. I have read many books on the rollercoaster that is having a close relative with dementia, but this one just about takes the cake. If the scale went to 6 stars, that's how I would rate it. Having recently gone through the very same rollercoaster with my Mum who suffered from dementia, this book struck a deep chord with me, especially as I had to travel between states in Australia at a dizzying pace for Mum's illness and final years. This allowed me to deeply identify with Cynthia as she selflessly travelled between countries to be the main caregiver for her Dad, despite the impact on having to so frequently leave her loved one behind whilst fulfilling her daughterly role.
It is authentic, raw, unflinchingly honest, and delves into the complexities of keeping a loved one safe as dementia steals their capacity and their memories. At the heart of the book is Cynthia's love for her father, which transcends all his past wrongdoings which she forgives but doesn't forget. Despite the cruel and tragic nature of the disease of dementia, Cynthia was also concurrently able to muster many moments of dry humour in this otherwise poignant, and heart-wrenching book.
It is authentic, raw, unflinchingly honest, and delves into the complexities of keeping a loved one safe as dementia steals their capacity and their memories. At the heart of the book is Cynthia's love for her father, which transcends all his past wrongdoings which she forgives but doesn't forget. Despite the cruel and tragic nature of the disease of dementia, Cynthia was also concurrently able to muster many moments of dry humour in this otherwise poignant, and heart-wrenching book.
June 5, 2023
'The Year My Family Unravelled' is a portrait of the author’s tender yet tumultuous Father/Daughter relationship told against the backdrop of the increasing anxiety of her father’s dementia, his adoration of freebies, his vast collection of ties from Vinnies and his deep, deep love of poetry. It’s not often a book brings me to tears, but this one … sheesh … this one disassembled me and put me back together again through writing and language that set my hair on fire. 'The Year My Family Unravelled', in all its anguish and terrible beauty is beyond magnificent. It is a love letter to a disappearing father and a daughter aching to be seen; it is an act of grace and a hymn to loss; it is a reminder that life is beautiful but it is also short. Hot diggity, this book should serve as a wake up call to us all.
June 27, 2023
This was a beautiful memoir. Cynthia drew me into her story from the beginning and, having already gone through a parent with dementia, I knew exactly how she felt. But she had to do it alone and from another continent. I rode the waves of ups and downs alongside her and she weaved her backstory in with a finesse that told just enough at the right time to make me eager to know how she could go to such lengths for a father that could be so abhorrent during her formative years. What came through on the page was a complicated, truthful, but ultimately loving, relationship between father and daughter that by the end had tears streaming down my cheeks.
April 19, 2024
A searing account of the complexities of dementia, caring for a previously abusive parent, negotiating through the legal, ageing and health systems and an examination of the choices we make as children from highly dysfunctional and violent families. Cynthia Dearborn’s honesty, about the impact on her relationship with her wife, the cruelly homophobic behaviour of her mother, and the complications of loving a person who is disappearing in front of you is heartbreaking but highly relatable. Poetry plays a big part in this experience. A beautifully rendered memoir of a common situation which many of us face. Thank you.
May 18, 2023
While this autobiography covers some difficult topics it does so with immense warmth and love. And poetry. Cynthia’s father has memorised much loved bits of poetry and verse and likes to recite them despite his failing short term memory. Despite his darker moments he is always exuberant In his welcome to his daughter when she phones or visits, from Sydney to Seattle. The journey is well worth it.
Sent from my iPad
July 4, 2023
My sister urged me to read this book, but I did not want to because the topic was dementia. Our mother had dementia and I did not want to relive those years. I’m glad I took my sister’s advice and gave this book a try. The author is a gifted writer and the book was a pleasure to read. It was not so much a delve into the darkness of dementia as a celebration of her fathers life. The book was heartwarming and uplifting. I would love to read another book by this talented author.
July 23, 2023
This memoir was terrific. It read like a novel without any of the “then this happened, then that happened” clunkiness of so many average memoirs. Instead, it was filled with real human anguish, love and lots of heart. Highly recommend.
August 27, 2023
A biography of an American woman living in Australia, who's father in the US is diagnosed with dementia. The story of and how she adapts to help him through it, often from afar in a different country.
Read by Suzie
Read by Suzie
July 10, 2023
What a ride this book was - ranging from fascinating to funny to deeply moving. My favourite read so far this year.
September 23, 2023
Beyond memoir. A brilliant story weaving lives in a family and through the unravelling making whole cloth. I loved it.
November 10, 2024
Heartbreaking yet funny and lyrical.
May 18, 2023
This book really resonated with me and I found that both Cynthia and her Dad stayed with me, even when I had finished the book. It is hard enough dealing with a parent with dementia, but to attempt to do so from another continent is difficult. Even when she returned to the US, Cynthia was challenged by many hurdles, and I found her experience very relatable, even given our geographic divide.
Read by Suzie
Read by Suzie
May 4, 2023
This book really resonated with me and I found that both Cynthia and her Dad stayed with me, even when I had finished the book. It is hard enough dealing with a parent with dementia, but to attempt to do so from another continent is difficult. Even when she returned to the US, Cynthia was challenged by many hurdles, and I found her experience very relatable, even given our geographic divide.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews