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New Jersey's Famous Turnpike Witch
Simultaneous breakdowns (automotive and nervous) first landed Alice on the Jersey Turnpike, and a crippling panic disorder stuck her there. Stranded, broken, and living alone on the toll road, Alice took a turn for the theatrical. Her public gestures of snarky catharsis — mock-hangings from overpasses, “Operation Cheese Doodle” — won her critical acclaim and a cult following. Adoring fans swarmed to New Jersey, hoping to catch a glimpse of their Turnpike Witch, America’s first and foremost masked criminal performance artist in traffic. Now everybody wants a piece of the Witch. Fans and online critics are hammering her with expectations. Alice’s support staff of Engineers wants her to double down on more, bigger, and riskier productions. Even the chief state official charged with capturing the Witch is back-channeling her words of encouragement — the Turnpike Witch is New Jersey’s biggest tourist attraction, after all. And if these pressures weren’t enough, rival interests look to muscle the Witch off her gangs are fighting turf wars on the northern part of the toll road, a rabid civil servant’s vicious PR campaign is calling for the Witch’s head, and now a troop of Manhattan investors want to capitalize on the new “Turnpike chic” by turning Service Areas into nightclubs. And yet even as the Turnpike Witch is drawn into public battle with these adversaries, Alice continues to work through her own private crises of identity, alienation, and entrapment. Fair to say, then, that life on this Road to Nowhere takes its toll.
479 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 30, 2012
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38 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
July 3, 2012
Grade: A-
L/C Ratio: 60/40
(This means I estimate the author devoted 60% of his effort to creating a literary work of art and 40% of his effort to creating a commercial bestseller.)
Thematic Breakdown:
30% - Theatrical criminal behavior
25% - Cult dynamics
25% - Search for identity
10% - Sociology
10% - Highway travel
The most common advice I hear given to indie authors is to stick to the standard genre formats – romance, thriller, mystery, sci-fi, fantasy – if they want to sell books and attract a following. When I dig through the indie new releases in the Kindle Store, I look for the exact opposite – authors who are not afraid to blend genres or try something entirely new. And that's how I stumbled upon Brad Abruzzi's gem.
New Jersey's Famous Turnpike Witch is such a bizarre book that I would fail miserably if I tried to describe its plot or characters. Go read Abruzzi's description on Amazon for a taste of what it has to offer. The book is over 10,000 Kindle locations (about 500 real pages), and I never once considered complaining about the length. Abruzzi proves that you don't need to set your story on Mars or 200 years into the future in order to create something original and imaginative. You can blow minds without ever leaving the New Jersey Turnpike.
Noteworthy Quote:
“NUMBER 79: DOLLS AND ACTION FIGURES MARKETED TO CHILDREN WILL BE REQUIRED TO BEND AT THE ELBOWS AND KNEES.” The war whoops and horn-honking in the street drowned out the Witch’s further caveat: “PRODUCTS FASHIONED AFTER AMPUTEE CHARACTERS WILL BE EXEMPTED FROM THIS REQUIREMENT.”
L/C Ratio: 60/40
(This means I estimate the author devoted 60% of his effort to creating a literary work of art and 40% of his effort to creating a commercial bestseller.)
Thematic Breakdown:
30% - Theatrical criminal behavior
25% - Cult dynamics
25% - Search for identity
10% - Sociology
10% - Highway travel
The most common advice I hear given to indie authors is to stick to the standard genre formats – romance, thriller, mystery, sci-fi, fantasy – if they want to sell books and attract a following. When I dig through the indie new releases in the Kindle Store, I look for the exact opposite – authors who are not afraid to blend genres or try something entirely new. And that's how I stumbled upon Brad Abruzzi's gem.
New Jersey's Famous Turnpike Witch is such a bizarre book that I would fail miserably if I tried to describe its plot or characters. Go read Abruzzi's description on Amazon for a taste of what it has to offer. The book is over 10,000 Kindle locations (about 500 real pages), and I never once considered complaining about the length. Abruzzi proves that you don't need to set your story on Mars or 200 years into the future in order to create something original and imaginative. You can blow minds without ever leaving the New Jersey Turnpike.
Noteworthy Quote:
“NUMBER 79: DOLLS AND ACTION FIGURES MARKETED TO CHILDREN WILL BE REQUIRED TO BEND AT THE ELBOWS AND KNEES.” The war whoops and horn-honking in the street drowned out the Witch’s further caveat: “PRODUCTS FASHIONED AFTER AMPUTEE CHARACTERS WILL BE EXEMPTED FROM THIS REQUIREMENT.”
November 23, 2012
Alice Merkle is New Jersey's Famous Turnpike Witch. Three years ago, for reasons unknown, she was struck with an affliction of being alone, damaged and inexorably tied to the New Jersey Turnpike. She cannot physically leave the major travel artery that traverses straight down the middle of The Garden State. In order to deal with her issues, she begins to embark on what could only be called criminal theatrics along the state corridor. Mock hangings, 'car surfing', etc. In the process she will meet up with a trio of genius level criminals on the run from their own problems with the law and she, along with her 'Engineers' will up the ante in terms of theatrics, developing an entire cult like group of followers known as 'Pikers' who will go to such extremes as to leave their jobs, homes and families to live a life at the myriad Turnpike Rest Centers full time just in hopes of getting a glimpse of their beloved witch. She will also be the focus of a crazed man who will stop at nothing to stop the curse of the witch as well as a government agency tasked with finding out her identity and taking her down.
The premise sounded interesting enough and, honestly, since I'm a lifelong resident of New Jersey I picked this book up. What followed was a four day war of attrition in order to make my way through this completely implausible and overly verbose novel.
There are many things that just stuck out like sore thumbs in this book. They're not 'plot holes' but just things I found so utterly unbelievable that I found myself not enjoying this book at all. (warning, possible spoilers)
First and foremost: I find it very difficult to believe that travelers on the turnpike would come to love someone that impedes traffic and risks drivers' life and limb in the pursuit of 'sending a message' (a message which is never really explained in the book). Over the course of the novel, Alice/Witch and her Engineers perpetrate theatrics that bring traffic to a stand still and cause car accidents. That's something the people of New Jersey are hardly capable of warming up to. The purpose of the Turnpike is to get you from points A to B as quickly as possible. Mess with that at your peril. After the novelty of the first incident wore off people would be screaming to have her head put on a pike, pun intended.
I find it very hard to believe that a State Trooper would go out of his way to 'understand' and help this young disturbed woman who causes so many problems in his jurisdiction.
I find it very hard to believe that corporations would want to PAY her to stand on an overpass and throw their products into people's open sunroofs during the summer months. (There was an incident years ago where kids were throwing bowling balls off of overpasses causing great damage and risk to life--that's a true story and people didn't idolize these kids).
I find it hard to believe that people would quit jobs, sell homes and leave everything to live life on the turnpike and its rest stops. I find it hard to believe that when Alice turns on them for no good reason and sends many of them into hospitals and surgery that whey would act as if it were a badge of honor. Trouble though these people may be, nobody has that kind of tolerance for being treated in such an awful way.
Those are just a few of the things I couldn't believe, no matter how much I tried to suspend my disbelief.
From a character standpoint, I didn't like Alice. She dances to the beat of her own drummer, yes, but there's nothing to like about her. Yeah, people like a character that plays the underdog and thumbs their nose at authority, but usually those characters have a PURPOSE. Alice has no purpose other than she doesn't like people telling her what to do. Or is that really why she does it? Hard to say as it's never explained. And just when there's an inkling of something to like about her, she treats someone like dog dirt.
Also from a character standpoint are the supporting cast, namely her Engineers. Anne is ok in that socially awkward kind of way. Djinn is just a user and jerk with nothing likeable about him. Virgil is probably the best of them but even that's not saying much as he's overly moralistic..when it suits his own purposes and is hopelessly tailing in Alice's wake like a wayward puppy for no good reason.
Then, her arch enemy. David Crilly. He heads up the task force to find the Witch for a time. He's holier-than-though and dogs her with a rabid single minded purpose (think The Fugitive here) BUT, he's also a reject from what can most closely be compared to a super sycophantic group of MEDIEVAL TIMES. He's better known as the Sheriff of Rottingham if you must know. And yes, there are sequences where he gallops along the Turnpike in chain mail...on a horse. Seriously, this is in the story.
Now, from a technical standpoint, it's obvious that the author has the gift of words. He doesn't repeat phrases constantly, he doesn't abuse commas and he's got a very descriptive and 'literary' style. But that too is a curse in that he's prone to long, involved, flights of verbal fancy. There are many MANY passage that are just over expository. Some of the character's back stories. There doesn't need to be that 20 page long dialogue between Virgil and Djinn on how they met and their entire case histories spread out over a cup of coffee. It's too long, too in depth and just bogs things down. I'm not saying he's a 'bad' writer, but I liken it to modern Progressive Music. Just because you CAN go off on a 12 minute long musical tour de force in the middle of a song doesn't mean you have to or, more importantly, SHOULD. It was as if he was trying to make this some type of literary masterpiece and lost sight of telling a good story in the process....there was about a five page dissertation on how many As and Hs go into making the perfect scream (AHHHH!!) and the effects different permutations have on the human body. No lie. Like the spaghetti sauce commercial said: It's in there!
Also, from a technical standpoint, the novel jumps from the present to events past every few chapters. There are usually dates at the beginning of some chapters to let the reader know where in the timeline we are, but not 100% of the time. Usually the only way to know is the change in tense: 'she SAYS' vs. 'she SAID'....'he WALKS' vs. he 'WALKED'. Frankly, it can get confusing.
I see many glowing reviews of this book. I know different strokes for different folks and all that but I just didn't get it. I found it cumbersome and filled with implausible characters and situations, some bordering on the downright silly. Maybe I just 'don't get it'. Wouldn't be the first time. Maybe there's some type of allegory here to people and government and saying thank you sir, may I have another? Maybe it's a political/societal commentary that was lost on me. Stranger things have happened. Could be a parody of sorts, but I didn't find much in this book to laugh at. I don't expect books to be dummed down to me (I'm not a completely dullard) but I shouldn't have to go spelunking for the deeper, true meaning, to make it entertaining.
This review may come off harsh. Wasn't my intention. Abruzzi does have a wonderful command of the language and I credit him for doing something different and, being from NJ, I know well the exits and areas of the state he mentions. It's just a story that I couldn't get into with characters that I didn't much like or like to hate or hate to like.
Not my cup of tea.
The premise sounded interesting enough and, honestly, since I'm a lifelong resident of New Jersey I picked this book up. What followed was a four day war of attrition in order to make my way through this completely implausible and overly verbose novel.
There are many things that just stuck out like sore thumbs in this book. They're not 'plot holes' but just things I found so utterly unbelievable that I found myself not enjoying this book at all. (warning, possible spoilers)
First and foremost: I find it very difficult to believe that travelers on the turnpike would come to love someone that impedes traffic and risks drivers' life and limb in the pursuit of 'sending a message' (a message which is never really explained in the book). Over the course of the novel, Alice/Witch and her Engineers perpetrate theatrics that bring traffic to a stand still and cause car accidents. That's something the people of New Jersey are hardly capable of warming up to. The purpose of the Turnpike is to get you from points A to B as quickly as possible. Mess with that at your peril. After the novelty of the first incident wore off people would be screaming to have her head put on a pike, pun intended.
I find it very hard to believe that a State Trooper would go out of his way to 'understand' and help this young disturbed woman who causes so many problems in his jurisdiction.
I find it very hard to believe that corporations would want to PAY her to stand on an overpass and throw their products into people's open sunroofs during the summer months. (There was an incident years ago where kids were throwing bowling balls off of overpasses causing great damage and risk to life--that's a true story and people didn't idolize these kids).
I find it hard to believe that people would quit jobs, sell homes and leave everything to live life on the turnpike and its rest stops. I find it hard to believe that when Alice turns on them for no good reason and sends many of them into hospitals and surgery that whey would act as if it were a badge of honor. Trouble though these people may be, nobody has that kind of tolerance for being treated in such an awful way.
Those are just a few of the things I couldn't believe, no matter how much I tried to suspend my disbelief.
From a character standpoint, I didn't like Alice. She dances to the beat of her own drummer, yes, but there's nothing to like about her. Yeah, people like a character that plays the underdog and thumbs their nose at authority, but usually those characters have a PURPOSE. Alice has no purpose other than she doesn't like people telling her what to do. Or is that really why she does it? Hard to say as it's never explained. And just when there's an inkling of something to like about her, she treats someone like dog dirt.
Also from a character standpoint are the supporting cast, namely her Engineers. Anne is ok in that socially awkward kind of way. Djinn is just a user and jerk with nothing likeable about him. Virgil is probably the best of them but even that's not saying much as he's overly moralistic..when it suits his own purposes and is hopelessly tailing in Alice's wake like a wayward puppy for no good reason.
Then, her arch enemy. David Crilly. He heads up the task force to find the Witch for a time. He's holier-than-though and dogs her with a rabid single minded purpose (think The Fugitive here) BUT, he's also a reject from what can most closely be compared to a super sycophantic group of MEDIEVAL TIMES. He's better known as the Sheriff of Rottingham if you must know. And yes, there are sequences where he gallops along the Turnpike in chain mail...on a horse. Seriously, this is in the story.
Now, from a technical standpoint, it's obvious that the author has the gift of words. He doesn't repeat phrases constantly, he doesn't abuse commas and he's got a very descriptive and 'literary' style. But that too is a curse in that he's prone to long, involved, flights of verbal fancy. There are many MANY passage that are just over expository. Some of the character's back stories. There doesn't need to be that 20 page long dialogue between Virgil and Djinn on how they met and their entire case histories spread out over a cup of coffee. It's too long, too in depth and just bogs things down. I'm not saying he's a 'bad' writer, but I liken it to modern Progressive Music. Just because you CAN go off on a 12 minute long musical tour de force in the middle of a song doesn't mean you have to or, more importantly, SHOULD. It was as if he was trying to make this some type of literary masterpiece and lost sight of telling a good story in the process....there was about a five page dissertation on how many As and Hs go into making the perfect scream (AHHHH!!) and the effects different permutations have on the human body. No lie. Like the spaghetti sauce commercial said: It's in there!
Also, from a technical standpoint, the novel jumps from the present to events past every few chapters. There are usually dates at the beginning of some chapters to let the reader know where in the timeline we are, but not 100% of the time. Usually the only way to know is the change in tense: 'she SAYS' vs. 'she SAID'....'he WALKS' vs. he 'WALKED'. Frankly, it can get confusing.
I see many glowing reviews of this book. I know different strokes for different folks and all that but I just didn't get it. I found it cumbersome and filled with implausible characters and situations, some bordering on the downright silly. Maybe I just 'don't get it'. Wouldn't be the first time. Maybe there's some type of allegory here to people and government and saying thank you sir, may I have another? Maybe it's a political/societal commentary that was lost on me. Stranger things have happened. Could be a parody of sorts, but I didn't find much in this book to laugh at. I don't expect books to be dummed down to me (I'm not a completely dullard) but I shouldn't have to go spelunking for the deeper, true meaning, to make it entertaining.
This review may come off harsh. Wasn't my intention. Abruzzi does have a wonderful command of the language and I credit him for doing something different and, being from NJ, I know well the exits and areas of the state he mentions. It's just a story that I couldn't get into with characters that I didn't much like or like to hate or hate to like.
Not my cup of tea.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 17, 2017
Just couldn't get into this book.
July 29, 2016
I liked the premise of this book, but must admit there were times I felt my attention wandering. While I tend to attribute this inability to remain focused on the storytelling approach, I'm not sure that's entirely fair. There were some things to admire, things that other readers may find inspired, but I felt were slightly overdone.
First, this book is not afraid to skip around the timeline. Jumps forward, backward, and sideways occur with regularity.
The main character is majorly flawed. There's a reason she becomes known as the Turnpike Witch, which I refuse to put down here as I don't want to spoil anything for those who may chance to stumble across the review before reading the book for themselves. I hate spoilers, so I don't want to be guilty of springing them on anyone else.
In between all the anti-chronological viewpoint jumps, there was something very interesting going on with what I deem to be the author's message on mental health, politics, and even the perils of fandom.
If I have any real constructive criticism, it is this: the story could have been tightened by deleting a few extraneous scenes. Now, don't get me wrong, the author skillfully manipulated the English language. The story was well written; I don't remember any typos or gross grammatical errors.
And now I feel kind of bad about my 3-star rating. I think another reader, one more patient than myself, would have given it a much higher score.
First, this book is not afraid to skip around the timeline. Jumps forward, backward, and sideways occur with regularity.
The main character is majorly flawed. There's a reason she becomes known as the Turnpike Witch, which I refuse to put down here as I don't want to spoil anything for those who may chance to stumble across the review before reading the book for themselves. I hate spoilers, so I don't want to be guilty of springing them on anyone else.
In between all the anti-chronological viewpoint jumps, there was something very interesting going on with what I deem to be the author's message on mental health, politics, and even the perils of fandom.
If I have any real constructive criticism, it is this: the story could have been tightened by deleting a few extraneous scenes. Now, don't get me wrong, the author skillfully manipulated the English language. The story was well written; I don't remember any typos or gross grammatical errors.
And now I feel kind of bad about my 3-star rating. I think another reader, one more patient than myself, would have given it a much higher score.
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews