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How Can I Be Your Lover When I'm Too Busy Being Your Mother?
Do you feel like your partner has become your child?
Do you find yourself being his maid, his cook, his manager?
Have romance, respect, fun—and sex—been drained out of your relationship?
In How Can I Be Your Lover When I’m Too Busy Being Your Mother? Sara Dimerman and J.M. Kearns lay bare an essential the woman who finds she’s turned into a mother to her man instead of the equal and intimate partner she once was.
She has a day job just like he does, yet at home she finds herself doing most of the housework, running the home, and being in charge of the child-rearing, which makes her his boss in the one place they spend most of their time together. This leaves her feeling angry and resentful—hardly conducive to being lovers. Dimerman and Kearns boldly confront the issues, allowing both sexes to vent in a no-holds-barred exchange that ranges from hostile to hilarious. They deconstruct the problem using real-life examples and lay out a step-by-step path that will enable any couple to get back to being equal partners again.
Do you find yourself being his maid, his cook, his manager?
Have romance, respect, fun—and sex—been drained out of your relationship?
In How Can I Be Your Lover When I’m Too Busy Being Your Mother? Sara Dimerman and J.M. Kearns lay bare an essential the woman who finds she’s turned into a mother to her man instead of the equal and intimate partner she once was.
She has a day job just like he does, yet at home she finds herself doing most of the housework, running the home, and being in charge of the child-rearing, which makes her his boss in the one place they spend most of their time together. This leaves her feeling angry and resentful—hardly conducive to being lovers. Dimerman and Kearns boldly confront the issues, allowing both sexes to vent in a no-holds-barred exchange that ranges from hostile to hilarious. They deconstruct the problem using real-life examples and lay out a step-by-step path that will enable any couple to get back to being equal partners again.
- GenresNonfictionSelf Help
320 pages, Paperback
First published August 14, 2012
12 people are currently reading
93 people want to read
About the author
Sara Dimerman
9 books2 followersMoved to Canada when I was fifteen years old. Studied Radio and TV Arts at Ryerson in Toronto and graduated in early 1980s. Studied Asssessment and Counselling at the University of Toronto and graduated late 1980s. Started my private practice in Psychology in 1990. Have been writing articles since 1989. Began having books published in 2008.
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
July 21, 2012
They say marriage is work. I used to hear this and think smugly, "well maybe for you it is, but not us." Married 3 years, together 5, and we were still nauseatingly new-romanceish (my apologies to everyone we made throw up in their mouth during that time).
Then we had a baby. Guess what? Marriage IS work (smugness, by the way, is an early warning system for wrongness. Something else I've learned from babies). Pre-parenting me would have laughed, yes smugly, at this title, but now when I saw it I went "oh my God I DO feel like his mother! And this will fix it? Awesome!" So I devoured this book.
Part one is devoted to the actions that lead to the husband/wife relationship becoming like a mother/child one, and the effects this has on your relationship. It was really eye-opening, and like most things it's something that happens in little, tiny steps over a long period of time, so partners don't notice it until they look back at their relationship and go "what the hell happened?" Part two talks about the excuses both sides give that allow the mother/child thing to continue, many of them tying back to the "women's work" days of old. Part three, after many mentions of "we'll get to that later" and, "we'll provide you the fix in part three," finally addresses how to fix the situation.
I was worried the book would fall back on old stereotypes, but it's actually pretty well-researched and cites its sources, and acknowledges but refutes many (not all) gender roles. I loved the first part (that's me! that's him! that's us!), the second part was reasonable, but I had to fight my irritation at my husband as I read (that's him. Oh yeah, that's totally him.). Part three was a bust. Suddenly the book felt manipulative and, well, mother-like. The authors suggest things like using consequences to put a stop to nagging. Let him find out the hard way what happens when he doesn't do X. Isn't that a parenting technique? Aren't we trying to stop that relationship? They also have a beast of a checklist that you're each supposed to fill out and then compare, and they devote pages and pages to this checklist, like it's more than it actually is: a checklist. I feel like I could have walked away without reading part three and it would have been a 4 start book. Part three definitely lowers the rating.
What I did get out of this was to see some patterns of behavior that could put us in this relationship category, and it opened a dialog between us. It turned out that many of our behaviors are due to a communication issue. Example: John left his dishes on the table, and went to take the garbage out. I cleaned up his dishes thinking, "he's taking the garbage out, I'll get these so that he doesn't have to deal with them when he comes back in." He came back in and thought "oh my God I can't even walk away for a second and she's cleaning up after me. She doesn't trust me to pick up after myself!" We only know about the miscommunication because this book prompted us to talk about it, so for that I'm glad I read it.
*I received this ebook as an ARC via NetGalley.(less)
Then we had a baby. Guess what? Marriage IS work (smugness, by the way, is an early warning system for wrongness. Something else I've learned from babies). Pre-parenting me would have laughed, yes smugly, at this title, but now when I saw it I went "oh my God I DO feel like his mother! And this will fix it? Awesome!" So I devoured this book.
Part one is devoted to the actions that lead to the husband/wife relationship becoming like a mother/child one, and the effects this has on your relationship. It was really eye-opening, and like most things it's something that happens in little, tiny steps over a long period of time, so partners don't notice it until they look back at their relationship and go "what the hell happened?" Part two talks about the excuses both sides give that allow the mother/child thing to continue, many of them tying back to the "women's work" days of old. Part three, after many mentions of "we'll get to that later" and, "we'll provide you the fix in part three," finally addresses how to fix the situation.
I was worried the book would fall back on old stereotypes, but it's actually pretty well-researched and cites its sources, and acknowledges but refutes many (not all) gender roles. I loved the first part (that's me! that's him! that's us!), the second part was reasonable, but I had to fight my irritation at my husband as I read (that's him. Oh yeah, that's totally him.). Part three was a bust. Suddenly the book felt manipulative and, well, mother-like. The authors suggest things like using consequences to put a stop to nagging. Let him find out the hard way what happens when he doesn't do X. Isn't that a parenting technique? Aren't we trying to stop that relationship? They also have a beast of a checklist that you're each supposed to fill out and then compare, and they devote pages and pages to this checklist, like it's more than it actually is: a checklist. I feel like I could have walked away without reading part three and it would have been a 4 start book. Part three definitely lowers the rating.
What I did get out of this was to see some patterns of behavior that could put us in this relationship category, and it opened a dialog between us. It turned out that many of our behaviors are due to a communication issue. Example: John left his dishes on the table, and went to take the garbage out. I cleaned up his dishes thinking, "he's taking the garbage out, I'll get these so that he doesn't have to deal with them when he comes back in." He came back in and thought "oh my God I can't even walk away for a second and she's cleaning up after me. She doesn't trust me to pick up after myself!" We only know about the miscommunication because this book prompted us to talk about it, so for that I'm glad I read it.
*I received this ebook as an ARC via NetGalley.(less)
January 6, 2021
I really wish that the title was different. It's cringey and off-putting, especially for the other partner in question (although, it's a hetero-based book), who I think should read this as well.
But I really liked the book and agreed with majority of what it had to say. I appreciated that it doesn't blame anyone in the equation. It just...is. And now, it needs to NOT be.
I'll be honest. In my 7 year relationship, I've had thoughts (closer and closer to that 7 year mark) of, wtf is going on with us? And this book gets to that root, and everything else becomes clear.
Society just kind of funnels you into these gendered "norms" and roles that you don't even realize are happening until it's happened and something feels...different. I know I grew up watching the women in my family pick up these roles. I picked up their critical controlling behaviors, somewhere along the way, which wasn't helpful. I know society accidentally shaped my partner as well and gave him roles and behaviors that aren't helpful to our relationship. It happens to most of us, and it sucks. Here's how to undo it.
This book is broken into three parts: how these roles happen, the side effects of it that bleed into everything else in your relationship, and how you can approach and fix it. There have been certain ways of looking at and approaching these problems that we've already been working on, so I was happy to know it was the right track.
The "how to fix" part is pretty in depth and includes help with both willing and unwilling partners (and also doesn't just frame them as being jerks). I really, really appreciated the human way that both partners are presented. I think it's easy for many relationship books to set up this idea that "you're right, and the other person just sucks!" This book basically discusses the reasons he may be reluctant, which mostly just comes down to: he's human, and he feels unloved and guarded after all these bad patterns. I just thought it was a super healthy approach.
Beyond it being helpful, honest, and insightful, this book is also just well written, entertaining to read, and easy to absorb the info. I appreciated it.
But I really liked the book and agreed with majority of what it had to say. I appreciated that it doesn't blame anyone in the equation. It just...is. And now, it needs to NOT be.
I'll be honest. In my 7 year relationship, I've had thoughts (closer and closer to that 7 year mark) of, wtf is going on with us? And this book gets to that root, and everything else becomes clear.
Society just kind of funnels you into these gendered "norms" and roles that you don't even realize are happening until it's happened and something feels...different. I know I grew up watching the women in my family pick up these roles. I picked up their critical controlling behaviors, somewhere along the way, which wasn't helpful. I know society accidentally shaped my partner as well and gave him roles and behaviors that aren't helpful to our relationship. It happens to most of us, and it sucks. Here's how to undo it.
This book is broken into three parts: how these roles happen, the side effects of it that bleed into everything else in your relationship, and how you can approach and fix it. There have been certain ways of looking at and approaching these problems that we've already been working on, so I was happy to know it was the right track.
The "how to fix" part is pretty in depth and includes help with both willing and unwilling partners (and also doesn't just frame them as being jerks). I really, really appreciated the human way that both partners are presented. I think it's easy for many relationship books to set up this idea that "you're right, and the other person just sucks!" This book basically discusses the reasons he may be reluctant, which mostly just comes down to: he's human, and he feels unloved and guarded after all these bad patterns. I just thought it was a super healthy approach.
Beyond it being helpful, honest, and insightful, this book is also just well written, entertaining to read, and easy to absorb the info. I appreciated it.
October 13, 2023
This book just tells you how to be MORE like a mother to your spouse, not LESS.
August 20, 2012
I've known for a long time that women working full time also have to come home at the end of a tiring work day to cook, clean, and look after the children. Although men do more work around the house than their fathers did, they certainly don't take over half the load! When I read about this book in the Globe and Mail, I decided to buy it, read it, and pass it on to my daughter!
The book is in three parts. The first deals with the work load women face, the ensuing resentment that follows when they feel they aren't getting enough help from their spouses, and the effect it has on the marriage. The second part looks at this issue from both the womens and the men's perspectives. The final part lays out a clear cut plan for dealing with the issue and bringing husbands and wives back as equal partners in the marriage.
The book is clearly written, with loads of stories to back up assertions, and with a delightful sense of humour. I enjoyed reading it and will be interested to hear my daughter's opinion of it.
The book is in three parts. The first deals with the work load women face, the ensuing resentment that follows when they feel they aren't getting enough help from their spouses, and the effect it has on the marriage. The second part looks at this issue from both the womens and the men's perspectives. The final part lays out a clear cut plan for dealing with the issue and bringing husbands and wives back as equal partners in the marriage.
The book is clearly written, with loads of stories to back up assertions, and with a delightful sense of humour. I enjoyed reading it and will be interested to hear my daughter's opinion of it.
June 8, 2012
Honestly, I think I'd give this a 3.5, but I can't make the system do that. Not that there was any new information in the book, but it was organized and presented well. The case studies seemed balanced and there really didn't seem to be any preference for the man or the woman in analyzing the stories and applying the principles used throughout the book. The principles themselves seemed solid and easily applicable, at least when you are not immediately in the situation.
That all being said, I sort of skimmed the last part of the book. I thought the solutions were logical and realistic, but best meant for early stages of marriage dissolution. I think it would be a useful tool to try to avoid getting to that "both partners have their own lives and just live in the same house" stage near the end of a marriage.
That all being said, I sort of skimmed the last part of the book. I thought the solutions were logical and realistic, but best meant for early stages of marriage dissolution. I think it would be a useful tool to try to avoid getting to that "both partners have their own lives and just live in the same house" stage near the end of a marriage.
September 18, 2012
I really appreciate books with a lot of positive and practical ideas for solving problems. Theory is nice, but I need practical application. This book delivers on that in spades. :)
I've been using ideas from this book for about a week now, and it is making a big difference in how I feel both about myself and the guy whose behavior prompted me to get this book. There is less resentment on my part and way less friction between us. I'm remembering why I like spending time with him and seeing him with new appreciation.
To my surprise, he is helping me more without being asked, and there is a new playfulness between us that makes it easier to work things out when issues do come up.
I've been using ideas from this book for about a week now, and it is making a big difference in how I feel both about myself and the guy whose behavior prompted me to get this book. There is less resentment on my part and way less friction between us. I'm remembering why I like spending time with him and seeing him with new appreciation.
To my surprise, he is helping me more without being asked, and there is a new playfulness between us that makes it easier to work things out when issues do come up.
June 19, 2012
A wonderful book to be read by any and all in a relationship! I would recommend this book to be given to newly married couples as a preventive measure for what may be in their future! I believe many of us are in the positions described in the book, without even being aware! For those that are aware they have become "Mothers" to their spouses, a must read! I enjoyed the fact that both sides were revealed/discussed and that the book was written by both a man and a woman.
Thank you Goodreads/First Reads for my free copy, it's one I intend to pass on and/or recommend to many for years to come!
Thank you Goodreads/First Reads for my free copy, it's one I intend to pass on and/or recommend to many for years to come!
June 15, 2012
well obviously I'm wayy to young for any of this to apply to me but for some of the things I read just for the hell of it :). The real person that read this was my mom. It took her a while since she's not much of a reader but she did finish it . She said that there were some tips that were kinda new but a majority are things thats she's heard of before. So for that it gets a 3. :)
August 29, 2012
If it was not so terribly true and devastating I would have even had fun reading this book. As the wife of an Italian man, I have to admit things for us (Italian women) are even a little bit worse. As the mother of an only son I'd soo love to grow up a different type of man.
THANKS TO NETGALLEY AND SIMON AND SCHUSTER FOR THE PREVIEW
THANKS TO NETGALLEY AND SIMON AND SCHUSTER FOR THE PREVIEW
May 21, 2014
This book provided some interesting conversation starters that I may actually use. It took a long time to get to the useful and hands on portion of the book. I don't think the author gives men enough credit and simplifies thier view points.
June 10, 2012
I think it is always a good idea to work on your relationships and I found this book to have some interesting ideas.
I won a copy of this book on GoodReads.
I won a copy of this book on GoodReads.
Want to read
September 15, 2012I won a copy of this book from the YummyMummyClub's Bookalicious Twitter chat contest, courtesy of Simon & Schuster Canada.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews