Aggressive Girls, Clueless Boys

by Dennis Rainey

can u sneak out 2nite? What a brazen question for a tween girl to text to a boy! In a sex-saturated world, how can parents address the dramatic upswing of sexually forward girls in hot pursuit of their young sons?

aggressive girls, clueless boys offers a solution to this unsettling cultural trend. Through seven guided "Talk About It" conversations, what-if scenarios, and honest responses to questions from real-life parents, Dennis Rainey offers a detailed guide on teaching your adolescent son to set boundaries and pursue the right kind of girl.

It's time for straight talk with your son! Give him the courage to stand strong in a world enticing him to throw away his sexual purity.

Genres: Parenting, Christian, Nonfiction

136 pages, Paperback

First published April 13, 2012

About the author

Dennis Rainey is president and CEO of FamilyLife, a division of Cru. Dennis and his wife, Barbara, have spoken at Weekend to Remember conferences around the world. Dennis serves as the daily host of the radio program "FamilyLife Today". He and Barbara have authored more than two dozen books, including the bestselling "Moments Together for Intimacy" and" Moments Together for Couples". The Raineys have six children and nineteen grandchildren.

Reviews

[Mel Foster · Rating 2 out of 5]

For Christian parents there are some good principles here. Parents and kids need to be empowered to not be manipulated by immoral people or circumstances which seem to be headed out of control. This is important. Also there are some good verses at the end and some good questions to discuss.
But there is a serious weakness that I found disappointing. Rainey seems obsessed with the idea that girls should not initiate communication with boys. It is the sole subject of p61, continues on to page 62, comes up again 78, again on page 80, 89, etc.
This theme is well exemplified here; "When our youngest son turned 13, it was as if he had been discovered. . . by a swarm of female classmates. For several evenings one after another called him on the phone. He was embarrassed by this newfound attention and a little put off by it. Barbara and I weren't wild about it either. When the phone rang the next evening, I was prepared. After I answered and the girl on the other end of the line asked to speak to my son, I told her it was inappropriate for her and her friends to call like this, and I asked her to please stop. . . ."
Notice there is no discussion of what the girls talked about, what they said. And notice there is no Biblical support for this idea given here. Furthermore, he never explains the bounds of such an idea, just that girls shouldn't approach boys. Elsewhere he says vague things like "in the past" or "many of us grew up with" to support his view here. Since we are working on no scriptural instruction to fall back on, where is the line here? Is it wrong for a girl to start a conversation with a boy in her class? Apparently it is forward for a girl to sit with a boy at lunch (p 110). The equation of a girl calling or talking with a boy to a girl sexting or pushing physical intimacy is unsettling to say the least. Where does the Bible say that a woman in all contexts must not speak to a man unless spoken to? It seems more likely that Rainey is drawing on his own CULTURAL experience growing up in the 1950s and early 60s in the U.S. And it seems to me that there is a world of difference between girls who "say they like you, or want to be your girlfriend, or want to have sex with you" (p48) and yet they all seem to be lumped into one camp.
Girls shouldn't be labeled forward or "aggressive" merely for talking to boys. It's what they are saying, doing, and thinking that is more significant. And if this is to be so central of a theme in a book clearly targeted to Christian readers, there needs to be some Biblical undergirding here for that idea, which is currently absent.
So this book has some good intentions, and some good food for thought, but is marred by a large red herring.

[Josh Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title of the book grabbed my attention at a conference I attended in 2022. Once I began reading it, I never realized the pervasiveness of today's society with this subject. And I'm sure it has only gotten worse since the publication of this book! (Publication date - 2012).

Rainey shows with clarity the issue before us. With a society that is more sexually charged than ever before, it is often the girls now that are suggestively and sexually chasing your young son. Anecdote after anecdote only confirmed the thesis. Rainey not only wrote this book, he & his wife used the principles contained in the book to raise their six children.

Chock full of Scripture along with practical end of chapter discussion questions, this book sounds an alarm but also brings with it truth to meet a subject head on that is usually the elephant in the room. I plan on purchasing many copies to give to parents of boys in our church.

[Karri · Rating 4 out of 5]

After some incidents with my (only 9-year-old) son at school and various conversations with moms of high school boys we know I have become frighteningly aware of the aggressiveness of girls. I saw this book and thought it would be a good one to help prepare for some of the issues I hear these other moms dealing with. Good book, LOTS of information in very few pages, and now I really want to lock my son in his room until he is, oh, say thirty.

What you should know:
1-This book is written from a strong Christian world-view, which was fine with me but is something potential readers should know.
2-My son is only 9 and I don't think we are ready to discuss much of what is in here. I am thinking it will be a great resource when he hits 6th grade.
3-It is suggested (and I would agree) that many of the conversations would be best between a son and dad. Reading a book and following it's suggestions is not something my husband would ever do. I am the consummate "list-maker" and "plan-follower" so reading a book and following it's suggestions is my kind of thing; I was frustrated that there are a lot of conversation-starters/ideas that would be hard for me to apply.

[Jodi Booth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raising kids is no easy task. We're just trying to stay informed and intentional. This book has questions at the end of each chapter for pointed discussions with your son. We found them especially powerful after having done Passport 2 Purity.

[Havebooks Willread · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a quick, easy read, which Alan and I both read. Alan plans to have some of the discussions with Easton and there are a few points I want to talk about with Kiana.

I think the information is very good, especially for many parents I encounter who I find to be rather naive either about what "the world" is like or thinking "my child would never. . ." It was a good reminder for us to be sure and keep those lines of communication open (even though we are tired! ha).

[Andrea · Rating 2 out of 5]

Should come with a warning label that it is Christian-heavy rhetoric along the lines of "Josh knows that this isn't what God wants for him" (p. 11) is unhelpful. Preaching that the "sexual power of a woman . . . needs to be restrained until marriage"(p.10) is offensive as well as impractical.

[Christina · Rating 1 out of 5]

I want to say I’m surprised, but this isn’t the first far-right, Christian cringe book I’ve read. I can summarize this book’s message in a few words: Christian boys and men aren’t to blame for their lust; it’s the women’s fault! If girls don't show any interest in boys, boys wouldn't lose their virginity. This is victim blaming in a nutshell.

Rainey's definition of "aggressive girls" is so broad that he never really defines it clearly. You can piece it together through examples that aggressive can mean anything from showing subtle interest in a guy (aka having a crush and wanting to spend time with your crush), to asking a guy on a date (the horror!), to full on "seducing" him for sex. The thing is, they view all of these as equally dangerous threats to their "innocent" young boys who are "clueless" and "passive."

In the book, there is a story of a 16 year old boy who rode his bike 3 miles at night to spend time making out with his girlfriend in her family's motor home next to their house. Literally the next page, he says the problem is this boy was passive. I'm sure it was totally the girl who was seducing him and not him wanting to spend time with his girlfriend. Sounds pretty passive to bike 3 miles in the dark!

When speaking about so-called "aggressive girls" (these are typically teenage or younger) they refer to the Proverbs passages about a father warning his son of the adulterous woman. I have serious issues with the demonization of pre-adolescent girl and adolescent girls in this book! It's the same old rhetoric that teaches boys and men to simultaneously fear women and to view them as weak and objects to dominate and control. So which one is it?

This book is highly sexist and offensive to both men and women (as it typical for sexist books). To blame the loss of their sons' innocence on "aggressive girls" is the same type of thinking as "the girl was just asking for rape by how she was dressed." It's dangerous and plain right sinful to view women as objects that aggressively threaten to seduce men. The fear mongering in this book is strong and the boogie man is "aggressive girls." This book is definitely going on our "shelf of shame."

Note: this type of thinking also has its roots in racism, surprise!

[Brian Virtue · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this because I've known about the book for some time and I was curious since I've been watching some of these dynamics as a parent. I'm writing because I knew there would be some backlash to this one in today's climate. I found it helpful, but with a couple of caveats.

First - this isn't a primer on parenting boys in general or on preparing boys for healthy relationships. It's a pretty specific dynamic being discussed based on Prov. 5-7 and contemporary dynamics. So read within those parameters - I found it to have a lot of helpful stuff and perspectives.

But, it could go a bit further in making some of that more clear and avoiding some of the generalities that muddy the waters. I personally do not think this goes in the direction of blaming victims or blaming girls though I knew there would be some of that reaction. My point of view was because I read it specifically with prov. 5-7 in view and not as a general guide to boys and dating in general. But especially now, but even in 2012, it would be helpful to have clarifications or more perspective so any hints of confusion about those types of insinuations were addressed.

I didn't agree with all of the applications made and there were phrases here and there that I would have preferred been written differently, but as far as addressing specifically the issue of how some (not all) girls proactively and aggressively initiate sexual activity today and the corresponding danger of boy passivity, it's helpful. That being said, given how fast society has changed, there's probably a need for a better or more timely resource in general related to helping boys navigate relationships as teens or one that engages more deeply with the current discourse around power and sexuality as well as some of the wounds, baggage, and reactivity around purity culture.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some really great points are made in this book. It is not naive to sexting or the lure of pornography. Highly recommend for parents of boys over the age of about 8. In some situations in the book, aggressive girls already began pursuit as early as the fourth grade.

Biblically backed with scripture references and conversation starters I’m more equipped to have important conversations with my son about his own personal boundaries.

[Traci · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short but necessary read how discussing relationship boundaries with young boys/men.

[John Majors · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super practical and helpful book on an important topic. Every parent of teens should read this!

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short and sweet but packed with practical advice and tips!!

[Carlee Neumann · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for all parents of boys. Very informative and well written.

[Michael Flippin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Needs to be read. Seeing sooooo much of this already with young teenage boys at home.

[Brooke Terry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful. I love the suggested questions to ask when dads have honest conversations with their sons about girls.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A basic but fairly helpful read for parents of pre-teen and teen boys. Provides some good ideas about how to prepare your sons for the (unfortunate) onslaught of girls whom were never taught correctly about proper relational boundaries.

[Rich B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick, but important, read on how to help your teens manage a world where girls are more forward that ever -- and sadly are all too often seeking affirmation through the physical attention of young men.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be required reading for parents. Excellent, easy, to the point book.

[Allison Melbert · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye opening true stories. This book gives great advice on how to prepare even before it becomes an issue.

[Kayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an Easy read with a lot of great tips and instruction on how to raise strong boys in this age. I wish I'd had this book years ago when my son was still young.

[Devon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! I highly recommend for anyone with teen/tween boys. It does not bash girls just brings to light the way some girls may be and how to prepare your son.

[Christina Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful, will be used with my son.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful tool that is being put to use with both my boys ages 13 and 16.

[Renea · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good points, Quick read.