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A Failure of Nerve (text only) by E. H. Friedman,M.M. Treadwell,E. W. Beal
A Failure of Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix [Paperback]Edwin H. Friedman (Author) , Margaret M. Treadwell (Editor), Edward W. Beal (Editor)
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Published January 1, 2007
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 323 reviews
November 24, 2011
This was a fantastic book on leadership. You have to wade through some evolutionary hooey, but if you make the necessary adjustments, the central points are simply strengthened. This is a truly contrarian view of leadership that is wise -- as opposed to simply being mule-headed.
March 23, 2012
Edwin Friedman's last book, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, is a highly frustrating read. He has a very good idea, wrapped in an unfortunate analogy that has metastasized into its own Idea. Friedman's core idea, the very good idea, is this:
The frustration with the book comes from Friedman's insistence on analogizing the idea of integrity as an emotional human being and refusing to compromise one's principles, with the idea of bodily and biological integrity. The book is full of blather about biological principles, of comparing emotionally dysfunctional institutions to eukaryotic organisms with no clear boundaries and emotionally functional ones to prokaryotic organisms with clear boundaries. He takes a popular notion of the immune system and compares it how successful organizations reject pathologization through systemic integrity.
He makes a good point that leadership is best when within the hierarchy of leaders each leader has a clear idea of his goals and principles, and how leadership falters when those principles are sacrificed in the name of "community harmony." It's an incredibly valid point, and it should not be obscured. But, it is obscured time and again with an ill-informed and frankly silly analogy.
When I fail to distinguish "who I am" from the organizations to which I belong, then I begin to identify more with the organization than I do with my own principles and goals. As a consequence, I lose the capacity to challenge the worst and weakest within the organization, and enable the organization's most pathological and emotionally needy members to set the agenda, because they can express their needs more forcefully than I can my principles and goals. I should choose to lead an organization only if its principles and goals align closely with my own, and should express my leadership only in terms of the goals of the organization, not in terms of the members' emotional states.He goes on to quantify the way people who are in positions of leadership often do or do not lead (he calls the substitution of the word "managing" for "leading" one of the core tragedies of the 20th century) set themselves up for sabotage, and it can be summarized thusly:
If Alice has a leadership relationship, or indeed any relationship, with Bob and Carol, and Bob and Carol have a conflict then Alice can retain a working relationship with Bob and with Carol. However, if Alice develops a relationship with the conflict then Alice has surrendered her capacity to lead, advise, and encourage to maturity either Bob or Carol.These are actually two very good expressions of a idea of leadership and self-possession that all too often we forget. Friedman's fairly harsh on modern management styles, reminding leaders that they are most emphatically not peacemakers within their organizations but leaders. Peacemakers, he writes, enable the weakest to dictate terms and to pull the window of what is valid conversation away from the purpose of the organization toward something less successful and productive. Leaders must not be peacemakers.
The frustration with the book comes from Friedman's insistence on analogizing the idea of integrity as an emotional human being and refusing to compromise one's principles, with the idea of bodily and biological integrity. The book is full of blather about biological principles, of comparing emotionally dysfunctional institutions to eukaryotic organisms with no clear boundaries and emotionally functional ones to prokaryotic organisms with clear boundaries. He takes a popular notion of the immune system and compares it how successful organizations reject pathologization through systemic integrity.
He makes a good point that leadership is best when within the hierarchy of leaders each leader has a clear idea of his goals and principles, and how leadership falters when those principles are sacrificed in the name of "community harmony." It's an incredibly valid point, and it should not be obscured. But, it is obscured time and again with an ill-informed and frankly silly analogy.
November 9, 2022
I appreciate Friedman, but I don't really know why. I got saved during my pursuit of my Psychology degree at the University of Minnesota. Since coming to faith I have a fraught relationship with Psychology. For me, not growing up in the church, the more and more of the Word of God I got in me, the more and more I found psychology wanting in its descriptions of man, as well as in its prescribed solutions for him. This was a problem, because I was well-into my Psychology degree. I ended up transferring to a Christian school (North Central) and found their treatment of Psychology even more frustrating because they weren’t pagans. For, when it came to terrible pagan ideas in Psychology, they had about as much discernment as a wet clump of clay. They also treated psychology like it was a hard science, and uncritically accepted everything. I quickly grew in reputation (which I learned about second-hand) as the psychology student who did not believe in psychology. Well, I finished my degree, and I have not changed my view of the subject. I more recently found myself at odds with most of what I encountered in my previous counseling class at BCS. I got into frequent disagreements with the material and the professor in that class as well. However, when encountering Friedman, I have found him so strangely refreshing and right. It seemed that on every page he offered yet another deeply insightful observation into man’s will and action. And then, whenever I encountered a stupid thing in Friedman (i.e., him saying “clergymen, or clergywomen” or fallacious assumptions based on his unshaken evolutionary assumptions, etc.) I just rolled my eyes, turned the page, only to find another bracing truth. How could a man so ideologically off (unbeliever, atheist), be so right, far more often than the proverbial broken clock. I have given this conundrum much thought, and have come to the tentative solution: Friedman, in spite of his faulty fundamental philosophical commitments, has a biblical anthropology. To put a finer point on it, he gets right what so many in Psychology get wrong, namely, the fallenness of man, and therefore his weaknesses and limitations. To borrow philosophical categories from Thomas Sowell, there are two fundamental views of the world: the unconstrained vision and the constrained vision. Now, Sowell applies this to politics, but these categories work for Psychology too. Most purveyors of Psychology assume that man in his nature is unconstrained, that it is society/his parents/the church/whoever that is holding him back. If he didn’t have constraints, he would be fully actualized. This idea would seem to find its origin in Rousseau’s thought (although, it is much older, as you can find it in the mouth of the Serpent in the Garden as well). This view deals in solutions to problems, if you just get x, then everything will be fine. The other view, the constrained view, sees man as fallen and limited by his very own sinful nature. The constrained view deals in trade-offs in the face of problems. In fact, everything is a trade-off, there’s no free lunch, so to speak. The Bible is a fundamentally constrained vision of the world (I mean, just look at its heroes, they are full of flaws, save for the Messiah himself, of course). Man, apart from Christianity, tends to prefer an unconstrained view of man, I mean, just look at Disney movies, all you need to do is believe in yourself and trust your heart. Though sometimes Friedman’s Solomonic insights and his treatments can start to sound like a panacea, overall, they are amazingly grounded in this constrained reality. In other words, it’s a biblical anthology. Man is fallen, he is a limited created being, and so he has to work with what he’s been dealt. Friedman does not buck against this, he cuts with the grain of reality, and that is why we can find him so profitable as Christians.
Original review from December 15th, 2020:
This guy has wisdom like Solomon and somehow has it in spite of his evolutionary commitments, he applies principles from the natural world in fascinating ways to leadership. This is the best book on leadership I've read (granted, it might be only the second, or possibly third!). I really want to find some lectures of his, particularly on his discussions of triangles.
Anyway, would highly recommend this book!
Original review from December 15th, 2020:
This guy has wisdom like Solomon and somehow has it in spite of his evolutionary commitments, he applies principles from the natural world in fascinating ways to leadership. This is the best book on leadership I've read (granted, it might be only the second, or possibly third!). I really want to find some lectures of his, particularly on his discussions of triangles.
Anyway, would highly recommend this book!
September 9, 2018
This was a hard book to read bc it included a lot of technical jargon and hair-splitting of terms and ideas that was difficult to follow. But the main point seems to be that in order to be a strong leader, you don't need to know every program, be able to motivate others, or use whatever the latest technique is--but instead you need to become a healthy person emotionally. This means that you are differentiated from others-- you are able to maintain your own boundaries and be your own person while at the same time remaining a part of a larger group. The self-differentiated person has the capacity to take a stand in a highly emotional system, is able to maintain his own integrity rather than give in to the group, is able to not react negatively to a situation wHen everyone around him is reacting, can maintain composure while others are anxious, is clear about his own goals and values, and takes responsibility for his own emotional being rather than blaming others.
November 28, 2014
I work at a great-books college in Oregon and, thus, must read a lot of books. Failure of Nerve (along with Norms & Nobility by David Hicks) are among the best books I've read in the last ten years.
Edwin Friedman's work as a psychologist took him everywhere — board rooms of businesses, armed forces, monasteries, families, and synagogues. He said that as a younger man, he tried to bring resolution to dysfunctional families through improved communication and mutual understanding. While these are certainly not harmful tactics, Friedman found that something different was different to solve dysfunction: A single individual who is willing to separated himself from the group and develop inner strength.
The thesis of Nerve is that American culture does not understand the basic DNA of leadership. Leaders hide behind data and technique. What Friedman proposes instead is that leaders focus on their own psychological state. A good leader, in other words, is not driven by spreadsheets, but by the strength of his own decisions, character, and inner state.
The book has really changed how I approach frustrations and conflict at work. Instead of trying to change other's behavior, I try to focus upon my own inner-state. Friedman says that this — more than interpersonal strategy — is the key to moving forward.
Edwin Friedman's work as a psychologist took him everywhere — board rooms of businesses, armed forces, monasteries, families, and synagogues. He said that as a younger man, he tried to bring resolution to dysfunctional families through improved communication and mutual understanding. While these are certainly not harmful tactics, Friedman found that something different was different to solve dysfunction: A single individual who is willing to separated himself from the group and develop inner strength.
The thesis of Nerve is that American culture does not understand the basic DNA of leadership. Leaders hide behind data and technique. What Friedman proposes instead is that leaders focus on their own psychological state. A good leader, in other words, is not driven by spreadsheets, but by the strength of his own decisions, character, and inner state.
The book has really changed how I approach frustrations and conflict at work. Instead of trying to change other's behavior, I try to focus upon my own inner-state. Friedman says that this — more than interpersonal strategy — is the key to moving forward.
March 29, 2022
This book is like whisky. It is a book that goes meta, describes everything about your world from relationships to institutions to cultural trends, and offers solutions that intuitively make more sense and even relieve you of the burdens you never knew you had.
The book that came to mind most often by comparison is Taleb's Antifragile, which is also a meta book that talks about the individual and the social interchangeably, both looking at the body for insights into how the world works. For that reason, this book is not possible to thoroughly digest in a big way, which makes it fun to read, although it can be heavy because it's also a personal responsibility book. It is also the inspiration for Douglas Wilson and Joe Rigney's episode, The Sin of Empathy.
There are many things to glean, but there are a few things I personally found incredibly valuable. But first, so you don't get lost this is the basic thesis of the book: if you have a group of people, try to counsel the most mature member of the group to take responsibility for himself and to not be reactive or a pushover. Because if he behaves either a) the group will adapt to his non-anxious presence, b) the group will adapt and the least mature members will leave because they cannot manipulate the group anymore, or c) the group will excommunicate the most mature member.
There is a lot more, but that is the core of the book, and it points out the limitations of empathy, or sympathy, or what have you, especially in leader situations. Michael Foster has done a good job with how this relates to men and women in churches, and everyone watching the Revoice debacle should read that section of his book or this book.
Okay, that said, this is what I found the absolutely most helpful:
* You help people the most not when you try to empathize and take responsiblity for them, but when you take responsbility for yourself. This book is an extreme weight off my mind, but I have come to realize recently that you can't bear other people's burdens. Oh, you can check in on them and help them when they ask, but at the end of the day, when someone is hurting, you can be an incredible supplement and comforter, but you can never try to "save" or "fix" them. One qualification: when children grow out of narcissim sometimes they default to empathizing for people as the first clumsy step in caring for them, and so it's a good first step in change. At any rate, you want to be calm and connected to people who are hurting, but not torn up about them, all the time.
* When people do not want to acknowledge a simple problem, they will often resort to a lot of "techniques" or "quick fixes" to solve it instead. This part of the book was life-changing. I have felt for a long time that a lot of my life has been the treadmill of this or that helpful insight or this or that change that could fix things. Friedman noticed that many Jews would, for instance, attribute certain struggles or individual tendencies to their Jewishness, and because he was a Jew and did not share those tendencies, he saw it yet another "technique" that the person was using to explain their problems and offer a quick fix (i.e., I am a Jew, this explains why I am this way, and I will do this in response to fix the not-that-big-of-a-problem). This is convicting, because it's really easy for me to blame certain things on my upbringing rather than to take responsibility for this or that sin or lack of skill. Anyway, there were some interesting parallels with nouthetic counselling which focuses more on confession of sin than this or that psychological technique. Again, one qualification: there is a kind of attentiveness to technique that is wisdom, and I think the best way is to be attentive to detail. Knowing how to best wash a dish is wisdom; trying to time your dishwashing for the most "efficiency" is a quick fix.
* At the end of the day, the only way out of anxiety is not "to cease to care" but rather, to take responsibility for your own emotions. Acknowledge that they exist, and then try not to let them dominate. There is obviously no quick fix here, and again, I think nouthetic terms can help us here. Confession of sin is the most powerful way to deal with any struggle. Just acknowledge you have a problem, accept God's forgiveness, and move on with your day. Obviously I am going beyond Friedman here, but his illuminating chapter on triangles observes that stress is not the result of overwork but caring basically about something that you cannot control (see pp. 219-220). Again, qualification: this may not be a comfortable situation, perhaps even long-term, but it is the way of causing the least amount of emotional stress.
Anyway, this book is so good because it's an everything book. One peril I found reading it is that since it explains everything, it's easy to overgeneralize about the world because of it. Thankfully, Friedman is much more careful than that and he defines all his terms where he should. For instance, he emphasizes self-differentiation and you would think this has overlap with individuation, but he goes out of his way to point out that this is not the case. For Friedman, self-differentiation is basically accepeting responsibility for your actions and emotions rather than taking responsibility for others. It also involves having a sense of one's goals and vision in the face of opposition, while still remaining connected to other people. I have heard people who are married say this is how marriage actually works best: you remain connected, but you mainly take responsibility for yourself.
There is obviously a lot more to say, but this is an incredibly prescient book, especially in modern day victim-empathy dominated America. I would highly recommend it, or at least a part of it, for anyone who enjoys thinking about such things.
The book that came to mind most often by comparison is Taleb's Antifragile, which is also a meta book that talks about the individual and the social interchangeably, both looking at the body for insights into how the world works. For that reason, this book is not possible to thoroughly digest in a big way, which makes it fun to read, although it can be heavy because it's also a personal responsibility book. It is also the inspiration for Douglas Wilson and Joe Rigney's episode, The Sin of Empathy.
There are many things to glean, but there are a few things I personally found incredibly valuable. But first, so you don't get lost this is the basic thesis of the book: if you have a group of people, try to counsel the most mature member of the group to take responsibility for himself and to not be reactive or a pushover. Because if he behaves either a) the group will adapt to his non-anxious presence, b) the group will adapt and the least mature members will leave because they cannot manipulate the group anymore, or c) the group will excommunicate the most mature member.
There is a lot more, but that is the core of the book, and it points out the limitations of empathy, or sympathy, or what have you, especially in leader situations. Michael Foster has done a good job with how this relates to men and women in churches, and everyone watching the Revoice debacle should read that section of his book or this book.
Okay, that said, this is what I found the absolutely most helpful:
* You help people the most not when you try to empathize and take responsiblity for them, but when you take responsbility for yourself. This book is an extreme weight off my mind, but I have come to realize recently that you can't bear other people's burdens. Oh, you can check in on them and help them when they ask, but at the end of the day, when someone is hurting, you can be an incredible supplement and comforter, but you can never try to "save" or "fix" them. One qualification: when children grow out of narcissim sometimes they default to empathizing for people as the first clumsy step in caring for them, and so it's a good first step in change. At any rate, you want to be calm and connected to people who are hurting, but not torn up about them, all the time.
* When people do not want to acknowledge a simple problem, they will often resort to a lot of "techniques" or "quick fixes" to solve it instead. This part of the book was life-changing. I have felt for a long time that a lot of my life has been the treadmill of this or that helpful insight or this or that change that could fix things. Friedman noticed that many Jews would, for instance, attribute certain struggles or individual tendencies to their Jewishness, and because he was a Jew and did not share those tendencies, he saw it yet another "technique" that the person was using to explain their problems and offer a quick fix (i.e., I am a Jew, this explains why I am this way, and I will do this in response to fix the not-that-big-of-a-problem). This is convicting, because it's really easy for me to blame certain things on my upbringing rather than to take responsibility for this or that sin or lack of skill. Anyway, there were some interesting parallels with nouthetic counselling which focuses more on confession of sin than this or that psychological technique. Again, one qualification: there is a kind of attentiveness to technique that is wisdom, and I think the best way is to be attentive to detail. Knowing how to best wash a dish is wisdom; trying to time your dishwashing for the most "efficiency" is a quick fix.
* At the end of the day, the only way out of anxiety is not "to cease to care" but rather, to take responsibility for your own emotions. Acknowledge that they exist, and then try not to let them dominate. There is obviously no quick fix here, and again, I think nouthetic terms can help us here. Confession of sin is the most powerful way to deal with any struggle. Just acknowledge you have a problem, accept God's forgiveness, and move on with your day. Obviously I am going beyond Friedman here, but his illuminating chapter on triangles observes that stress is not the result of overwork but caring basically about something that you cannot control (see pp. 219-220). Again, qualification: this may not be a comfortable situation, perhaps even long-term, but it is the way of causing the least amount of emotional stress.
Anyway, this book is so good because it's an everything book. One peril I found reading it is that since it explains everything, it's easy to overgeneralize about the world because of it. Thankfully, Friedman is much more careful than that and he defines all his terms where he should. For instance, he emphasizes self-differentiation and you would think this has overlap with individuation, but he goes out of his way to point out that this is not the case. For Friedman, self-differentiation is basically accepeting responsibility for your actions and emotions rather than taking responsibility for others. It also involves having a sense of one's goals and vision in the face of opposition, while still remaining connected to other people. I have heard people who are married say this is how marriage actually works best: you remain connected, but you mainly take responsibility for yourself.
There is obviously a lot more to say, but this is an incredibly prescient book, especially in modern day victim-empathy dominated America. I would highly recommend it, or at least a part of it, for anyone who enjoys thinking about such things.
March 15, 2023
Complete game changer as far as leadership concepts. You have to put up with a lot of evolutionary nonsense, but well worth it.
December 2, 2022
In A Failure of Nerve, Friedman argues that our current age is regressing due to chronic anxiety. This regression is marked by counter-evolutionary trends, devaluing individuation, an obsession with data and technique, and a misunderstanding of the nature of destructive processes in families and institutions. Characteristics of our society include reactivity, herding, blame displacement, quick-fix mentality, and poor differentiated leadership. Among many points of solution, Friedman's main solution is self-differentiated leadership which he describes in the following bullet points (pg 195):
• Differentiation is the capacity to take a stand in an intense emotional system.
• Differentiation is saying "I" when others are demanding "we.
• Differentiation is containing one's reactivity to the reactivity of others, which includes the
ability to avoid being polarized.
• Differentiation is maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others.
• Differentiation is knowing where one ends and another begins.
Differentiation is being able to cease automatically being one of the system's emotional
dominoes.
• Differentiation is being clear about one's own personal values and goals.
• Differentiation is taking maximum responsibility for one's own emotional being and destiny
rather than blaming others or the context.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book as it calls the reader to take responsibility for himself, encourages imagination and risk, and effectively critiques some main components of our culture that run rampant. This book has and will make me a better man.
• Differentiation is the capacity to take a stand in an intense emotional system.
• Differentiation is saying "I" when others are demanding "we.
• Differentiation is containing one's reactivity to the reactivity of others, which includes the
ability to avoid being polarized.
• Differentiation is maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others.
• Differentiation is knowing where one ends and another begins.
Differentiation is being able to cease automatically being one of the system's emotional
dominoes.
• Differentiation is being clear about one's own personal values and goals.
• Differentiation is taking maximum responsibility for one's own emotional being and destiny
rather than blaming others or the context.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book as it calls the reader to take responsibility for himself, encourages imagination and risk, and effectively critiques some main components of our culture that run rampant. This book has and will make me a better man.
December 21, 2020
Get Edwin into your veins now, before it's too late.
October 25, 2020
Even though most of these chapters were written in the 1980s and 1990s (later being published posthumously in 2007), it could have easily been written in 2020. Rabbi Edwin H. Friedman nukes the sacred cows of leadership into oblivion. He writes that today's leaders are crippled by anxiety and that are institutions are weakening due to poor leadership. What's to blame for the chronic anxiety that ruining the lives of so many leaders and leading to high rates of burnout? Rabbi Friedman would say that American leaders are... 1) overly-reliant on data, focusing on quantity, not quality of information, 2) shying away from being decisive and making tough choices, 3) pursuing quick fixes instead of lasting, holistic change, 4) too focused on being empathetic rather than calling people to be responsible, 5) ignoring their own self-development, especially in-terms of emotional self-differentiation.
These things are some of the ingredients for what he calls "an emotional Dark Age." Things look and are bleak. But using history, Friedman draws some parallels between 15th Century Europe and 20th Century North America. Those two decades were incredibly challenging years, especially in terms of leadership depletion due to anxiety. But he believes its possible to move forward. The key for Europe was a small group of artists, explorers, and scientists who were willing to self-differentiate and lead to new progress. Their discoveries and willingness to buck conventional wisdom ushered in a Golden Age of technological and societal advancement. It meant challenging conventional wisdom and taking some great risks. In today's risk-adverse society, Friedman would say that we are on the precipice to extraordinary change. The key is finding men and women willing to take risks, remain calm, and not waste energy on attempting to change people who do not want to pursue change. This is a book that I will definitely come back to in future years.
These things are some of the ingredients for what he calls "an emotional Dark Age." Things look and are bleak. But using history, Friedman draws some parallels between 15th Century Europe and 20th Century North America. Those two decades were incredibly challenging years, especially in terms of leadership depletion due to anxiety. But he believes its possible to move forward. The key for Europe was a small group of artists, explorers, and scientists who were willing to self-differentiate and lead to new progress. Their discoveries and willingness to buck conventional wisdom ushered in a Golden Age of technological and societal advancement. It meant challenging conventional wisdom and taking some great risks. In today's risk-adverse society, Friedman would say that we are on the precipice to extraordinary change. The key is finding men and women willing to take risks, remain calm, and not waste energy on attempting to change people who do not want to pursue change. This is a book that I will definitely come back to in future years.
January 31, 2025
Really solid in parts, but really whacky in others. In depth review coming.
Update: Read again in 2025. Friedman is deeply insightful into the nature of human relationships, but his ethos suffers a bit due to his attachment to certain Darwinian paradigms and evolutionary newspeak in his explanations.
Paradoxically, he is both highly skeptical of therapeutic psychobabble and the multiplicity of “experts”, “conditions”, and “specialists” while also completely encumbered by said psychobabble in his own writings.
While those particular aspects of the book detract from its strength, I gleaned much more this pass through, and there is a whole lot to be appreciated.
Key concepts:
Self-differentiation and togetherness.
Dysfunction comes from emotional, not cerebral problems.
Stress does not come from hard work.
Toxicity of environment is proportional to the response of the institution within it, rather than to the hostility of the environment.
The only way out of chronic pain is through temporarily acute pain.
Mature leadership = responsibility of self.
Followers cannot arise above the maturity of their mentors.
Update: Read again in 2025. Friedman is deeply insightful into the nature of human relationships, but his ethos suffers a bit due to his attachment to certain Darwinian paradigms and evolutionary newspeak in his explanations.
Paradoxically, he is both highly skeptical of therapeutic psychobabble and the multiplicity of “experts”, “conditions”, and “specialists” while also completely encumbered by said psychobabble in his own writings.
While those particular aspects of the book detract from its strength, I gleaned much more this pass through, and there is a whole lot to be appreciated.
Key concepts:
Self-differentiation and togetherness.
Dysfunction comes from emotional, not cerebral problems.
Stress does not come from hard work.
Toxicity of environment is proportional to the response of the institution within it, rather than to the hostility of the environment.
The only way out of chronic pain is through temporarily acute pain.
Mature leadership = responsibility of self.
Followers cannot arise above the maturity of their mentors.
August 4, 2021
PROVOKING! I could not put this book down. The reading is heavy but it's so honest in regards to our leadership today. I have so many favorite chapters but the 2 that resonated were:
3: Data Junkyards and Data Junkie: The Fallacy of Expertise -> "As long as leaders base their confidence on how much data they have acquired, they are doomed to feeling inadequate"
7. Emotional Triangles -> "Staying in a triangle without getting triangled oneself gives one far more power that never entering the triangle in the first place"
I highly recommend if you are feeling stuck in your job or marriage.
3: Data Junkyards and Data Junkie: The Fallacy of Expertise -> "As long as leaders base their confidence on how much data they have acquired, they are doomed to feeling inadequate"
7. Emotional Triangles -> "Staying in a triangle without getting triangled oneself gives one far more power that never entering the triangle in the first place"
I highly recommend if you are feeling stuck in your job or marriage.
October 21, 2021
Really good. A must read for those who want to march onward with a strong confidence and leadership and not only survive these times where emotions and feelings, and data and statistics seem to rule.
If you are starting to fall in for the empathy crowd, get this book SOON, and read it before you are taken captive by their sensual arguments.
I’m giving this book 4 stars and not 5 only because of all the evolution stuff in it.
If you are starting to fall in for the empathy crowd, get this book SOON, and read it before you are taken captive by their sensual arguments.
I’m giving this book 4 stars and not 5 only because of all the evolution stuff in it.
July 15, 2022
A look at Family System Theory and how that shapes leadership dynamics.
A challenging read and a call to self-differentiation.
A challenging read and a call to self-differentiation.
September 21, 2024
Provocative and paradigm-shifting. I’ve never read a leadership book like it!
October 23, 2024
Planning to go back to this. I found the whole book intriguing as it related to aspects of pastoring and also coaching soccer. I can see how his principles could be misunderstood and abused, but in general this was really helpful for me personally. I’m also a big fan of Rigney’s book which builds on this one.
March 15, 2024
I gave this book 3 instead of 4 stars because it was easy to get bogged down in his prose. The advice on good leaders is excellent though. Worth the read.
January 15, 2022
We are a chronically anxious nation: "a society progressing technologically [while] regressing emotionally.”
Why? "Anxiety escalates as society is overwhelmed by the quantity and speed of change."
This book will help you better see reality- to truly understand dysfunctional families, workplaces, and nations (that we all live in!).
Worth reading if just to understand how to be “a non-anxious presence” in a world gone mad.
Written in 2007 by a Jewish rabbi, this book resonates all the more since it’s a bit distanced from the current chaos.
This a book is about leadership in an anxious society; every bit as helpful for marriage and parenting as it is for the workplace.
The key: to focus less on fixing or motivating those who are not capable of self-regulation. Focusing instead on becoming self-regulated, a non-anxious presence.
A few gems:
* Most crises cannot…be resolved (that is, fixed); they must simply be [endured thru a focus on] self-regulation and the management of [your own] anxiety instead of frantically seeking the right solution.
* The children who work through the natural problems of maturing with the least amount of emotional or physical residue are those whose parents have made them least important to their own salvation.
* Chronic anxiety in American society has made the imbibing of data and technique addictive precisely because it enables leaders not to have to face their selves.
* A society cannot evolve, no matter how much freedom is guaranteed, when the citizenry is more focused on one another than on their own beliefs and values.
* Children rarely succeed in rising above the maturity level of their parents.
* Our [companies and] communities adapt themselves to the least mature and…who lack self-regulation.
Why? "Anxiety escalates as society is overwhelmed by the quantity and speed of change."
This book will help you better see reality- to truly understand dysfunctional families, workplaces, and nations (that we all live in!).
Worth reading if just to understand how to be “a non-anxious presence” in a world gone mad.
Written in 2007 by a Jewish rabbi, this book resonates all the more since it’s a bit distanced from the current chaos.
This a book is about leadership in an anxious society; every bit as helpful for marriage and parenting as it is for the workplace.
The key: to focus less on fixing or motivating those who are not capable of self-regulation. Focusing instead on becoming self-regulated, a non-anxious presence.
A few gems:
* Most crises cannot…be resolved (that is, fixed); they must simply be [endured thru a focus on] self-regulation and the management of [your own] anxiety instead of frantically seeking the right solution.
* The children who work through the natural problems of maturing with the least amount of emotional or physical residue are those whose parents have made them least important to their own salvation.
* Chronic anxiety in American society has made the imbibing of data and technique addictive precisely because it enables leaders not to have to face their selves.
* A society cannot evolve, no matter how much freedom is guaranteed, when the citizenry is more focused on one another than on their own beliefs and values.
* Children rarely succeed in rising above the maturity level of their parents.
* Our [companies and] communities adapt themselves to the least mature and…who lack self-regulation.
May 28, 2019
May 2019 5/5 stars. With all the qualifications from my previous reviews in mind, this book is just a great challenge.
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December 2013: Read again and discussed with the TEC elders through 2013. Fantastic material for a leadership team, as long as that team already has a strong theological basis.
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September 2012: One of the most compelling and clarifying books I've read in a long time. Though I wouldn't use the Friedman's vocabulary, agree with his evolutionary presumptions, or have anywhere near his positivity apart from the gospel, I'd still say the Rabbi asks great questions that every leader (husband, father, pastor, boss, president, etc.) should consider.
“To be a leader, one must both have and embody a vision of where one wants to go. It is not a matter of knowing or believing one is right; it is a matter of taking the first step.”
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December 2013: Read again and discussed with the TEC elders through 2013. Fantastic material for a leadership team, as long as that team already has a strong theological basis.
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September 2012: One of the most compelling and clarifying books I've read in a long time. Though I wouldn't use the Friedman's vocabulary, agree with his evolutionary presumptions, or have anywhere near his positivity apart from the gospel, I'd still say the Rabbi asks great questions that every leader (husband, father, pastor, boss, president, etc.) should consider.
February 25, 2025
Friedman does an excellent job of identifying the symptoms, causes, and solutions for chronically anxious families and systems. His solutions are very practical and help the reader identify where they've been running on a treadmill trying to solve a problem they didn't know they had.
My only knock is his use of evolutionary biology and psychology for a few of his assertions. As a Christian, I found that part of his approach to actually make some of his arguments more flimsy because they were not rooted in a higher design, but rather on an animal instinct.
My only knock is his use of evolutionary biology and psychology for a few of his assertions. As a Christian, I found that part of his approach to actually make some of his arguments more flimsy because they were not rooted in a higher design, but rather on an animal instinct.
October 13, 2022
I've read large portions of Friedman before, but his principles have come up in enough conversations lately that I decided I needed to finally finish it. This book is simply a must-read. Of course, his evolutionary biology is goofy and must be qualified, but the principles are sound and are only enhanced with Biblical support.
September 14, 2020
An Enneagram 8 would LOVE this book. For anyone else that thinks compassion and empathy are important in relationships and life in general, this book will steal a part of your soul.
April 15, 2025
Friedman casts a bold vision for how society needs to once again chase after adventure rather than being frozen by a regressive anxiety. This change begins with leaders who are ready to self-differentiate while remaining present in the community.
I began this book 24 hours before an extreme event tested my nerve as a leader like none before. It undeniably changed the way I responded, both in dealing with crises and how I am shaping myself as a leader moving forward. Timely.
Much more to meditate on, and surely a second read would serve me well.
I began this book 24 hours before an extreme event tested my nerve as a leader like none before. It undeniably changed the way I responded, both in dealing with crises and how I am shaping myself as a leader moving forward. Timely.
Much more to meditate on, and surely a second read would serve me well.
February 12, 2025
I cannot recommend this book enough. put down any leadership book you have and read this next. it is pretty much the opposite of every other leadership book out there and essential to really understanding how to lead from a place of strength, self differentiation and non anxious presence. This book is exactly what our entire culture needs.
July 30, 2025
Helpful understanding of when leadership fails. Helped my understanding kicks against leadership, the pitfalls, and solutions
January 16, 2023
Great insights. A lot to glean. Very good for leaders. One thing to beware of is his evolutionary beliefs although they are very easy to detect.
October 7, 2024
Every single person should read this. Even if you don’t think of yourself as a leader - you are still a follower and knowing what good leadership is will help you be part of the solution rather than the problem. Incredibly helpful for anyone who has a difficult family member, coworker, church situation… you name it.
Disclaimer that there’s some evolutionary weirdness, but don’t let it put you off.
Disclaimer that there’s some evolutionary weirdness, but don’t let it put you off.
June 24, 2022
Second Read. I have often referred back to this book over my ministry.
The first time I read this book (over 15 years ago) I found it extremely helpful in clarifying for me how all-encompassing the "emotional systems" of human groups truly are in any kind of human "family system" (and encouraging for me regarding the patterns I was seeing among leaders and voices in the American Protestant Church).
From Individual families to any organized institution of any-kind - it takes we, humans, no courage or thoughtfulness whatsoever to capitulate to others so that we might "feel accepted" in any kind of group. We are able to rationalize, use pain-killers (of all sorts), and easily negate voices around us that would threaten to expose our underlying anxiety and fears based on our deeply understood unfaithfulness to the truth we say we hold. We avoid healthy community even if it means enabling the erosion of values we say are central to our lives and existence. It takes courage to be honest with what is truly occurring among those we love and care about in contrast to our desire to create acceptable narratives (about them) that give us immediate emotional comfort that "everyone is fine", and there is little we can influence them in any matter.
Friedman boldly and poignantly lays out the consequences of our often enmeshed emotional behavior (the sale of our souls to a group dynamic for relational comfort and/or professional advancement) and the rewards for those that truly desire to be value-driven and healthily self-differentiated from any group dynamic for the betterment of all involved.
One of my most highly recommended reads on honest leadership. I have grown in my ability to see these duplicities in my own thinking and living.
The first time I read this book (over 15 years ago) I found it extremely helpful in clarifying for me how all-encompassing the "emotional systems" of human groups truly are in any kind of human "family system" (and encouraging for me regarding the patterns I was seeing among leaders and voices in the American Protestant Church).
From Individual families to any organized institution of any-kind - it takes we, humans, no courage or thoughtfulness whatsoever to capitulate to others so that we might "feel accepted" in any kind of group. We are able to rationalize, use pain-killers (of all sorts), and easily negate voices around us that would threaten to expose our underlying anxiety and fears based on our deeply understood unfaithfulness to the truth we say we hold. We avoid healthy community even if it means enabling the erosion of values we say are central to our lives and existence. It takes courage to be honest with what is truly occurring among those we love and care about in contrast to our desire to create acceptable narratives (about them) that give us immediate emotional comfort that "everyone is fine", and there is little we can influence them in any matter.
Friedman boldly and poignantly lays out the consequences of our often enmeshed emotional behavior (the sale of our souls to a group dynamic for relational comfort and/or professional advancement) and the rewards for those that truly desire to be value-driven and healthily self-differentiated from any group dynamic for the betterment of all involved.
One of my most highly recommended reads on honest leadership. I have grown in my ability to see these duplicities in my own thinking and living.
January 8, 2021
Been working my way through this one for awhile. Dense and hard to wrap your mind around it all, but there is a lot of insight to be had.
Favorite quotes:
The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. If you want your child, spouse, client, or boss to shape up, stay connected while changing yourself rather than trying to fix them.
It will encourage leaders to focus first on their own integrity and on the nature of their own presence rather than through techniques for manipulating or motivating others.
In the search for the solution to any problem, questions are always more important than answers because the way one frames the question, or the problem, already predetermines the range of answers one can conceive in response.
The difference between a professional and a hack is not in their degree or training. Both may do what they do with polish; but the hack is not transformed by his experience.
A leader’s major effect on his or her followers has to do with the way his or her presence (emotional being) affects the emotional processes in the relationship system.
Madness cannot be judged from people’s ideas or their values, but rather from (1) the extent to which they interfere in other people’s relationships; (2) the degree to which they constantly try to will others to change; and (3) their inability to continue a relationship with people who disagree with them.
Favorite quotes:
The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. If you want your child, spouse, client, or boss to shape up, stay connected while changing yourself rather than trying to fix them.
It will encourage leaders to focus first on their own integrity and on the nature of their own presence rather than through techniques for manipulating or motivating others.
In the search for the solution to any problem, questions are always more important than answers because the way one frames the question, or the problem, already predetermines the range of answers one can conceive in response.
The difference between a professional and a hack is not in their degree or training. Both may do what they do with polish; but the hack is not transformed by his experience.
A leader’s major effect on his or her followers has to do with the way his or her presence (emotional being) affects the emotional processes in the relationship system.
Madness cannot be judged from people’s ideas or their values, but rather from (1) the extent to which they interfere in other people’s relationships; (2) the degree to which they constantly try to will others to change; and (3) their inability to continue a relationship with people who disagree with them.
March 18, 2015
An excellent book on leadership and the forces that try to sabotage it. I would have given it five stars except his terms are unnecessarily odd and hard to wade through. He could have been clearer. Also he uses too much evolutionary theory to back up his thesis. But if you can translate his ideas into the language of Scripture then it will work. For example, he uses the term "self-regulate." For Christians this is the Biblical idea of "self-control."
As you read this book your eyes will open to your own failings as a leader, as well as the failings of the system you are in. His focus on the leader's presence is excellent. A leader must first take responsibility for his actions and call upon those in his organization to do the same. Stop shifting blame to problems or other people. And stop being responsible for what you cannot change. Friedman encourages leaders to focus on the more mature members of the organization instead of the least mature. He also encourages us to not rely too much upon data. His chapter on data and the drive for certainty was superb. It showed that leadership is not about getting all the data and then making the perfect decision. It is about deciding and then making mature decisions after the initial decision is made.
This book will repay multiple readings throughout the life of a leader.
As you read this book your eyes will open to your own failings as a leader, as well as the failings of the system you are in. His focus on the leader's presence is excellent. A leader must first take responsibility for his actions and call upon those in his organization to do the same. Stop shifting blame to problems or other people. And stop being responsible for what you cannot change. Friedman encourages leaders to focus on the more mature members of the organization instead of the least mature. He also encourages us to not rely too much upon data. His chapter on data and the drive for certainty was superb. It showed that leadership is not about getting all the data and then making the perfect decision. It is about deciding and then making mature decisions after the initial decision is made.
This book will repay multiple readings throughout the life of a leader.
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