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Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know
The most important person in a young girl’s life? Her father. That’s right—and teen health expert Dr. Meg Meeker has the data and clinical experience to prove it. After more than twenty years of counseling girls, she knows that fathers, more than anyone else, set the course for their daughters’ lives. Now Dr. Meeker, author of the critically acclaimed Epidemic: How Teen Sex Is Killing Our Kids, shows you how to strengthen—or rebuild—your bond with your daughter, and how to use it to shape her life, and yours, for the better. Directly challenging the feminist attack on traditional masculinity, Dr. Meeker demonstrates that the most important factor for girls growing up into confident, well-adjusted women is a strong father with conservative values. To have one, she shows, is the best protection against eating disorders, failure in school, STDs, unwed pregnancy, and drug or alcohol abuse—and the best predictor of academic achievement, successful marriage, and a satisfying emotional life. Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters reveals: • The essential characteristics and virtues of strong fathers—and how to develop them • How daughters take cues from their fathers on everything from drug use, drinking, smoking, and having sex, to self-esteem, moodiness, and seeking attention from boys • Why girls want you to place restrictions on them (even though they’ll complain when you do) • How to become a hero to your daughter—and why she needs that more than anything • The one mistake fathers make that is the primary cause of girls "hooking up" • Why girls depend on the guidance of fathers through, and even beyond, their college years • Recipe for disaster: the notion that girls "need to make their own decisions and
mistakes" • Why girls need God—and how your faith, or lack thereof, will influence her • How to communicate with your daughter—and how not to • True stories of "prodigal daughters"—and how their fathers helped bring them back Dads, you are far more powerful than you think you are. Your daughters need the support that only fathers can provide—and if you are willing to follow Dr. Meeker’s advice on how to guide your daughter, to stand between her and a toxic culture, your rewards will be unmatched
mistakes" • Why girls need God—and how your faith, or lack thereof, will influence her • How to communicate with your daughter—and how not to • True stories of "prodigal daughters"—and how their fathers helped bring them back Dads, you are far more powerful than you think you are. Your daughters need the support that only fathers can provide—and if you are willing to follow Dr. Meeker’s advice on how to guide your daughter, to stand between her and a toxic culture, your rewards will be unmatched
267 pages, Hardcover
First published August 30, 2006
1669 people are currently reading
6745 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 809 reviews
February 23, 2009
I wanted to like this book. The title drew me in, and the basic premise (that daughters need dads to stand up for them in a world that tends to consume young women and to provide them a role model of how a decent male behaves) was something I could get behind. However as I started reading I was increasingly disappointed. Several things put me off or marred the book for me:
1. The condescending attitude towards both men and young women. Dads are stereotyped to be basically a witless bunch of hypermasculine doofuses who have to be urged and coaxed to put down the remote/golf club and get involved with the lives of their female offspring. Daughters are characterized as flighty idiots, not just because they're young people lacking experience in the world, but *because* they are female! For instance, Meeker makes the outlandish and ridiculous claim that girls experience PMS long before they have the hormones of puberty, and this causes them to be overemotional and fickle creatures. She then goes so far as to put her credentials as an MD behind that assertion. Embarrassing.
2. The author frequently makes uncharitable assumptions about mothers, too, a few times going so far as to characterize them as a potential threat to a dad's relationship with his daughter. At other times she says things like, in giving an example of sacrifices you might have to make for your daughter, that you might have to "stay married to her crazy mother" to give her an intact household. This suggests a rather unhealthy and bizarre dynamic, which leads me to the final and weirdest objection I had to the book...
3. There seems to be an odd kind of Electra complex at work in some of the suggestions and attitudes in the book. At one point a widower is said to have remarried too soon after his wife's death because his 9 year old daughter wouldn't talk with him and he got lonely. Yes, *because*--the causal relationship is explicitly suggested by the author. My jaw about hit the floor. That doesn't seem right at all. Another "touching" anecdote is shared in which a father tucks his daughter into bed each night whispering "your wedding night: it's special and so are you." I shuddered. What an odd thing for a father to say to a young girl, let alone as a daily ritual. There are all kinds of moments like that in the book which just don't sit right with me, to the point that when I got to the chapter called "Be the Man You Want Her to Marry" I had to give a little disgusted snicker.
My quest to find a truly inspiring and helpful book for my husband to read in order to learn more about father-daughter dynamics continues, as this book definitely does not fit the bill.
1. The condescending attitude towards both men and young women. Dads are stereotyped to be basically a witless bunch of hypermasculine doofuses who have to be urged and coaxed to put down the remote/golf club and get involved with the lives of their female offspring. Daughters are characterized as flighty idiots, not just because they're young people lacking experience in the world, but *because* they are female! For instance, Meeker makes the outlandish and ridiculous claim that girls experience PMS long before they have the hormones of puberty, and this causes them to be overemotional and fickle creatures. She then goes so far as to put her credentials as an MD behind that assertion. Embarrassing.
2. The author frequently makes uncharitable assumptions about mothers, too, a few times going so far as to characterize them as a potential threat to a dad's relationship with his daughter. At other times she says things like, in giving an example of sacrifices you might have to make for your daughter, that you might have to "stay married to her crazy mother" to give her an intact household. This suggests a rather unhealthy and bizarre dynamic, which leads me to the final and weirdest objection I had to the book...
3. There seems to be an odd kind of Electra complex at work in some of the suggestions and attitudes in the book. At one point a widower is said to have remarried too soon after his wife's death because his 9 year old daughter wouldn't talk with him and he got lonely. Yes, *because*--the causal relationship is explicitly suggested by the author. My jaw about hit the floor. That doesn't seem right at all. Another "touching" anecdote is shared in which a father tucks his daughter into bed each night whispering "your wedding night: it's special and so are you." I shuddered. What an odd thing for a father to say to a young girl, let alone as a daily ritual. There are all kinds of moments like that in the book which just don't sit right with me, to the point that when I got to the chapter called "Be the Man You Want Her to Marry" I had to give a little disgusted snicker.
My quest to find a truly inspiring and helpful book for my husband to read in order to learn more about father-daughter dynamics continues, as this book definitely does not fit the bill.
September 30, 2008
As the father of a young daugher, I was hooked by the title, but extremely disappointed. The book offered very little practical information for me. I found it extremely preachy and too religous to be useful (I know this is not a popular opinion these days, so please save the hate mail). I was extremely put off by the author making large leaps in converting isolated anecdotal evidence into broad sweeping generalizations dsguised as research (although there are some actual statistics in the book, don't get me wrong). I don't remember the exact phrase, but terns like "predetermined for a life of prostitution or pornography" just really got under my skin. I was not scared by the book (the author's obvious intent), but rather annoyed by it. Fathers, my advice? Take a pass on this book. Take the time you would have spent reading it and spend some quality time with your daughter.
October 6, 2012
I was looking for a good book that I vehemently disagree with. This is such a book.
This book was written by an intelligent person that I have a philosophical disagreement with. I came to find this book through colleagues. It was highly recommended. I do recommend this book but for different reasons.
It was recommended to me as a guidebook for fathers for understanding, relating to and knowing the role they play in their daughters lives. I recommend it as a critical study to identify what your personal values are and what role you want to play in your daughters life-- knowing that this book is equal part good advice and equal part a compendium of societal stereotypes. It's up to you the reader to decide what is what.
Two components:
Intelligent author: its clear the author is intelligent, she has thought very deeply about what it takes to raise a daughter in todays society. However her research is incomplete, and woefully biased. She aggregates statistics to paint a black and white portrait that supports her views. Reality it seems is not the case. Particularly her facts on faith leap out as just false. That said while she is admittedly not an expert in child psychology she is informed and has stories littered throughout.
Philosophical differences: very early on the author makes it clear her religious views and this book are inextricably linked. Very early on its also clear I do not share her religious views. For example, she makes it clear that she felt discussing how homosexual men contract HIV is permanently damaging to her young son, but discussing how heterosexual men get HIV was completely fine. In addition she refers to Billy Graham as a spiritual giant. She also views teenage sex as some odd act reserved for the deepest circles of hell. I personally don't think that raising a "strong daughter" begins and ends with preventing early sex.
When it comes down to it-- this book forced me to explore my own views of parenting. It has some great advice and does a good job in communicating the differences between a child and an adult outlook on the world. Children need rules that have backbone-- these are their guard rails until they are able to mold them and redefine them on their own.
Ultimately I have a definition of "strong daughter" that has a higher expectation than this book covers. This book has helped me explore this in a way that I can one day communicate it.
This book was written by an intelligent person that I have a philosophical disagreement with. I came to find this book through colleagues. It was highly recommended. I do recommend this book but for different reasons.
It was recommended to me as a guidebook for fathers for understanding, relating to and knowing the role they play in their daughters lives. I recommend it as a critical study to identify what your personal values are and what role you want to play in your daughters life-- knowing that this book is equal part good advice and equal part a compendium of societal stereotypes. It's up to you the reader to decide what is what.
Two components:
Intelligent author: its clear the author is intelligent, she has thought very deeply about what it takes to raise a daughter in todays society. However her research is incomplete, and woefully biased. She aggregates statistics to paint a black and white portrait that supports her views. Reality it seems is not the case. Particularly her facts on faith leap out as just false. That said while she is admittedly not an expert in child psychology she is informed and has stories littered throughout.
Philosophical differences: very early on the author makes it clear her religious views and this book are inextricably linked. Very early on its also clear I do not share her religious views. For example, she makes it clear that she felt discussing how homosexual men contract HIV is permanently damaging to her young son, but discussing how heterosexual men get HIV was completely fine. In addition she refers to Billy Graham as a spiritual giant. She also views teenage sex as some odd act reserved for the deepest circles of hell. I personally don't think that raising a "strong daughter" begins and ends with preventing early sex.
When it comes down to it-- this book forced me to explore my own views of parenting. It has some great advice and does a good job in communicating the differences between a child and an adult outlook on the world. Children need rules that have backbone-- these are their guard rails until they are able to mold them and redefine them on their own.
Ultimately I have a definition of "strong daughter" that has a higher expectation than this book covers. This book has helped me explore this in a way that I can one day communicate it.
September 14, 2010
Wow. After slogging through two chapters, I have learned that my daughter will become a cracked-out junkie who will sell her body for drugs and a sense of self-worth, all because she lacks a father in her life. While I did agree with a few of the author's points, overall, I felt she was making a point that was somewhat close-minded and offensive. Yes, our media and culture have oversexualized our children; everything from clothing to television portrays the idea that every girl aged seven to fifteen should look like they are aged sixteen to twenty-one. That is a major problem that I face as a parent.
However, I do not think that my daughter lacks for positive role models in her life, both male and female. She has many loving grandfathers, uncles, and cousins who all get a hand in helping my daughter have a good sense of self-worth from a male prospective. Nor do I think I should remarry solely to provide my daughter with a father figure, as though any "dad" is better than none at all. To be married for such a reason would not give my daughter a very good role model for choosing a good marital partner, nor would it provide her with a happy home if I or the intended father figure were unhappy with the situation.
Also, I find it a bit repulsive that Dr. Meeker suggests that parents should stay married for the children. Divorce may hurt kids, but so do homes with poor role models for healthy intimacy and adult relationships. All of my friends who are children of divorced parents say that divorce was much better than the alternative of their parents staying married.
All in all, I have to say that this book comes at fathers with a very sex negative approach, and an extremely conservative view of what would be in the best interests of the daughter. I am saddened that since the 60's, as far as we've come as a culture in redefining family, this book proposes to throw it all out, and revert back to "Father Knows Best". I do not recommend this book, and I hope that it disappears to the annals of history.
However, I do not think that my daughter lacks for positive role models in her life, both male and female. She has many loving grandfathers, uncles, and cousins who all get a hand in helping my daughter have a good sense of self-worth from a male prospective. Nor do I think I should remarry solely to provide my daughter with a father figure, as though any "dad" is better than none at all. To be married for such a reason would not give my daughter a very good role model for choosing a good marital partner, nor would it provide her with a happy home if I or the intended father figure were unhappy with the situation.
Also, I find it a bit repulsive that Dr. Meeker suggests that parents should stay married for the children. Divorce may hurt kids, but so do homes with poor role models for healthy intimacy and adult relationships. All of my friends who are children of divorced parents say that divorce was much better than the alternative of their parents staying married.
All in all, I have to say that this book comes at fathers with a very sex negative approach, and an extremely conservative view of what would be in the best interests of the daughter. I am saddened that since the 60's, as far as we've come as a culture in redefining family, this book proposes to throw it all out, and revert back to "Father Knows Best". I do not recommend this book, and I hope that it disappears to the annals of history.
December 8, 2009
OK, if you have a little girl, or a big girl, YOU MUST READ THIS. If you are the father of a little girl, run, don't walk to the bookstore. If you are a mother, don't let the title deceive you - you will want to read it as well. We recommended this to a friend and he just told us it completely changed his views on raising his new baby girl. If this book were issued to all new parents of little gals, our girls would not face the challenges they face today. I am a staunch believer in preserving the innocence of our little girls who grow up far too fast in a culture that promotes it. This book made me feel like I was on the right track and it made my husband a loving, tender, daddy to our sweet girl.
October 7, 2009
Portions of this book deserve 5 stars, others 1 star—at least in accordance with my sensibilities, politics, and personal philosophy. Others will have different ratings in accordance with their own. In the course of my fathering a freshman adolescent, I have found myself subject to objections, criticisms, and detachment quite unfamiliar to me a couple of years ago. Children grow up and seek independence. This is to be expected, even desired. But I began to ask myself, “is my work finished here?” The author’s answer is a resounding “NO!” Meeker instructed me of how important my role as father really is and that I may be needed by my daughter more when she is 16 than when she was 6. And to her credit, she has helped rekindle my own sense of paternal mission. But not all of her rationale and methodology is admirable or advisable. She holds to a conservative, old-school, religious doctrine of surveillance and enforcement, as opposed to my inclinations of protection and guidance. Nonetheless, I am persuaded to adjust my style toward a more stalwart leadership role, to be more definitive in my pedagogy, and to more boldly advocate my moral compass. Where I draw the line is between advocacy and indoctrination. Meeker proposes that a father indoctrinate a daughter with his own religious bias, and justifies it on the basis of better outcomes, e.g., children with a strict religious upbringing have fewer occurrences of teen pregnancy, drug use, etc., and that they feel better about life. Giving your daughter the best chance of success and the lowest risk is the objective of every good parent, but administering a spiritual placebo to achieve that end is of questionable merit. Risk can be lowered and outcomes improved in other ways, in my opinion. However, the author does tacitly recognize that there is a point beyond which parental belligerence may become counterproductive and drive a child away. There is much more in this book to defend and attack. But in the final analysis, I can only recommend it, not as an instruction manual for fathers, but to draw them into the circle of deliberation and, where appropriate, adjust or refine their approach to fathering.
November 15, 2019
There is not much written on the unique relationship between fathers and daughters. This book fills in that gap. It is excellent. Perhaps most striking is that she reinforces gender stereotypes, which is a good things and encourages fathers to be the authority in their daughters lives while also loving them. She gives a lot of excellent examples from her own practice. All fathers with daughters could benefit from it.
August 17, 2009
This book has become one of THE most important, life-changing, books that I've ever read, and it's not even written for me as a mother...it's written for my husband. Lane is already an amazing dad, and I couldn't imagine anything that could make him a better father, but just from reading the first few chapters we've learned some important new parenting stratagies. We've been reminded of some that we'd forgotten about and we've recommitted to some that we already had in place and have also spent some time re-evaluating our priorities. It's so nice to recieve confirmation that at least some of what we've already been doing is correct.
Here is a run down of the chapter headings....."You are the most important man in her life"...."She needs a Hero"...."You are her first love"...."Teach her humility"...."Protect her, defend her, and use a shot gun if necessary"...."Pragmatism and Grit:two of your greatest assets"...."Be the man you want her to marry"...."Teach her who God is"...."Teach her how to fight"...."Keep her connected"
I don't buy very many books, (that's what libraries are for) but I will be buying this one and refering to it often. Some of the statistics are shocking and I'd like to think that they don't apply to my daughters, but rather than living in a make believe world where my children are perfect I want to be able to use every tool and resource out there to protect them and help them beat the odds. I really hope you pick this one up and leave it laying around in the bathroom for your husband to read.
Here is a run down of the chapter headings....."You are the most important man in her life"...."She needs a Hero"...."You are her first love"...."Teach her humility"...."Protect her, defend her, and use a shot gun if necessary"...."Pragmatism and Grit:two of your greatest assets"...."Be the man you want her to marry"...."Teach her who God is"...."Teach her how to fight"...."Keep her connected"
I don't buy very many books, (that's what libraries are for) but I will be buying this one and refering to it often. Some of the statistics are shocking and I'd like to think that they don't apply to my daughters, but rather than living in a make believe world where my children are perfect I want to be able to use every tool and resource out there to protect them and help them beat the odds. I really hope you pick this one up and leave it laying around in the bathroom for your husband to read.
May 12, 2018
I was willing to like this book, but ultimately I found it highly disappointing. I had hoped for a book that would be about the psychology behind father-daughter relationships. However, that's not what I got.
The author uses a very fire-and-brimstone approach to parenting. Each chapter was filled with examples to scare fathers. She often used the fact that she was a doctor to back what seemed like her personal beliefs (though she did often use sources) and not fact. Every chapter seemed to include the same elements: scare parents about premarital sex; blame a teacher or education for causing issues in their daughter's life (as a teacher I found these examples extremely bothersome); attempt to convince the reader that without a belief in god they will fail as a father (as someone who was raised religious and left my faith around the birth of my daughter these attempts at converting were very disagreeable); an oversimplification of men (not every man plays golf, goes fishing, and works on cars); and just more conservative, right-wing, Judeo-Christian ranting about parenting and morality.
As I said, I had hoped this would be a secular, scientific/psychological view of fatherhood. It wasn't.
The author uses a very fire-and-brimstone approach to parenting. Each chapter was filled with examples to scare fathers. She often used the fact that she was a doctor to back what seemed like her personal beliefs (though she did often use sources) and not fact. Every chapter seemed to include the same elements: scare parents about premarital sex; blame a teacher or education for causing issues in their daughter's life (as a teacher I found these examples extremely bothersome); attempt to convince the reader that without a belief in god they will fail as a father (as someone who was raised religious and left my faith around the birth of my daughter these attempts at converting were very disagreeable); an oversimplification of men (not every man plays golf, goes fishing, and works on cars); and just more conservative, right-wing, Judeo-Christian ranting about parenting and morality.
As I said, I had hoped this would be a secular, scientific/psychological view of fatherhood. It wasn't.
August 30, 2019
This book is pure poison. The author is a conservative religious person with tons of outdated opinions and she tries to scare you with horror stories. The book is heavy on religion; in fact it has a whole chapter dedicated to it.
Moreover, the author dedicated another chapter to anorexia, and kept talking about it throughout the book. I don't understand why. She treats it like it is the biggest risk of our century for our daughters, which is of course laughable. She doesn't even mention obesity.
It doesn't end there. The reasonings she formed are on the border of being offensive to women. For example, she doesn't want girls to pose for Playboy, but not because she is opposed to women being used as sexual objects, it is because she thinks it is the worst thing a father can experience and she wouldn't want that for any father. She tells a hypothetical story where a father finds a Playboy magazine in his friend's apartment and sees her daughter in there and she tells it like death is preferable for a father who experiences such a thing.
She supports chastity and tries to dig it into your brain with ludicrous horror stories. She suggests fathers giving chastity rings to their daughters and finds condom education in schools wrong because 'it confuses kids'.
Moreover, the author dedicated another chapter to anorexia, and kept talking about it throughout the book. I don't understand why. She treats it like it is the biggest risk of our century for our daughters, which is of course laughable. She doesn't even mention obesity.
It doesn't end there. The reasonings she formed are on the border of being offensive to women. For example, she doesn't want girls to pose for Playboy, but not because she is opposed to women being used as sexual objects, it is because she thinks it is the worst thing a father can experience and she wouldn't want that for any father. She tells a hypothetical story where a father finds a Playboy magazine in his friend's apartment and sees her daughter in there and she tells it like death is preferable for a father who experiences such a thing.
She supports chastity and tries to dig it into your brain with ludicrous horror stories. She suggests fathers giving chastity rings to their daughters and finds condom education in schools wrong because 'it confuses kids'.
August 24, 2009
My husband read this book over the summer and it transformed his parenting! He has always been a wonderful father, but this has really helped open his eyes to how vital he is to our daughter's emotional - and physical - well-being and health. He has applied what he's learned with our preteen daughter and all I can think is that I wish my father was able to parent me like this, it would have prevented a lot of pain, heartbreak and tangles of sin. I would have felt treasured and loved. My father does love me, but he loves me the best he knows how - and this book spells it out for fathers and is specific in what they need to do. I think that part of what makes this book so great for fathers is that it isn't full of fluff and emotion, it is full of facts and statistics appealing to man's logic and practical nature, speaking their language. This is the best parenting book that either of us have read so far and we will be reading her Boys Should be Boys book as well.
March 19, 2019
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters By Dr. Meghan Meeker was first published in 2006. Technology since the time of this books publication has advanced so exponentially I could only imagine some of the advice Dr. Meeker would give in 2019 would be much more extreme than it was in 2006. I am the father of two young girls and this book is incredibly powerful, a lot of tremendous advice is given thru out this entire book, at times its a bit out of my arena in dealing with things like teens, death of a mother, divorce, step moms and things as such. When it deals with dedication to family, time spent with full attention to the young ones as they grow and current things I am dealing with in regards to young daughters I can definitely relate, however this book is broad and covers all situations a father may deal with pertaining to his daughter from her birth to your death, she covers all bases and uses a lot of very heart wrenching and touching stories to convey her points. The one thing I like most about this book is her ferocious assault on modern pop culture and its toxic effect on young girls and how we must protect them from the poison that is modern pop culture, media, internet (there was no social media at the time of this books publication in wide use like FB and Twitter), so it wasn't mentioned although I would like to hunt down some modern articles of hers on this subject (young girls and social media) if she has any written. She touches on really important things to me personally such as, incredible authors like Dostovyevksy, C.S. Lewis, Milton and their search for God, she touches on the importance of God and Faith, she stresses the importance of embracing your masculinity as a man & father and rejecting modern cultures attack on masculinity (fast forward 2019, its even worse), making family your primary focus and ridding yourself of distractions. Overall this was a great book that I've had sitting on my book shelf taunting me for about a year now and I'm elated that I finally read it, there was a multitude of great lessons that will stay with me and become a part of me. She quoted the end part of this Poem Ulysses by Alfred Lord Tennyson and I thought it was beyond worthy to share the poem in its entirety here.
Ulysses
By Alfred, Lord Tennyson
It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone, on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honour'd of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
For ever and forever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.
This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle,—
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.
There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil'd, and wrought, and thought with me—
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads—you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'T is not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
Ulysses
By Alfred, Lord Tennyson
It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone, on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades
Vext the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments,
Myself not least, but honour'd of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
For ever and forever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.
This is my son, mine own Telemachus,
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle,—
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.
There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark, broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil'd, and wrought, and thought with me—
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads—you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all: but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'T is not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
January 23, 2012
This book provided very few real insights, and those were backed up with mostly anecdotal evidence. There were some hard facts (study results, etc.), but the reference material was more revealing than this book. I felt like some of the material was presented in a disingenuous way. For example, the information regarding sex education standards seemed like it was cherry-picked in an attempt to shock the reader's sense of decency. Furthermore, studies about STDs and depression seemed to be used to draw non-causative conclusions. Finally, there was a lot of criticism toward modern society versus the "good ol' days", without really discussing the benefits of raising a daughter today.
I will say that there were parts of the book that I really liked, and there was some real food for thought. One thing that really sticks out for me is the suggestion to write down your rules, expectations and limits for your daughter when she's young. Then, you'll have something concrete to draw upon when she's a teenager. It's just that I had to wade through so much repetition, so many generalizations, and so many feel-good (or feel-bad) anecdotes to get to those kinds of suggestions, that I really can't recommend this book to anyone.
I will say that there were parts of the book that I really liked, and there was some real food for thought. One thing that really sticks out for me is the suggestion to write down your rules, expectations and limits for your daughter when she's young. Then, you'll have something concrete to draw upon when she's a teenager. It's just that I had to wade through so much repetition, so many generalizations, and so many feel-good (or feel-bad) anecdotes to get to those kinds of suggestions, that I really can't recommend this book to anyone.
July 11, 2011
Without a doubt, one of the best books I have read that has already begun to help me as a father of daughters. Meeker did a fantastic job of clarifying the differences of mothers vs. fathers and why fathers are so important in the lives of their daughters. Obviously while our daughters are young, they are impressionable, but it is at all years of their lives that we as fathers can and will have an affect on them.
I thoroughly enjoyed the statistics that were included, even if they were beyond scary. I want to hope that these numbers are a little off due to the location in which I live and the predominant religion that we are surrounded with, but I know that is when one truly gets duped. No matter where we are, young ladies are affected by their surroundings and a father can have a great influence in making sure their daughter is safe!
I checked this book out at the library, but have realized I need to purchase it. There are many parts of this book in which I would like to write things down in the margin so that I can remind myself of things I need to do.
This book's title may speak directly to fathers, but I think that a mother might find this informative as well, especially to help out fathers in their quest to succeed as fathers.
I thoroughly enjoyed the statistics that were included, even if they were beyond scary. I want to hope that these numbers are a little off due to the location in which I live and the predominant religion that we are surrounded with, but I know that is when one truly gets duped. No matter where we are, young ladies are affected by their surroundings and a father can have a great influence in making sure their daughter is safe!
I checked this book out at the library, but have realized I need to purchase it. There are many parts of this book in which I would like to write things down in the margin so that I can remind myself of things I need to do.
This book's title may speak directly to fathers, but I think that a mother might find this informative as well, especially to help out fathers in their quest to succeed as fathers.
April 12, 2022
Straight to Favorites!
Profoundly useful and important words for fathers with daughters in the 21st century. Written by pediatrician with many years experience counseling girls, particularly teenagers, Meg Meeker discusses many of the hardships, social ills, temptations, and distractions our daughters are bombarded with today.
A few of the items discussed are:
-As a father, you are her first love and the most important man in her life. Be the hero she needs.
- The dangers of negative peer influence and sexual activity, drugs, alcohol, depression, and electronics.
-Providing your daughter with boundaries, rules.barriers, and most importantly your time and attention.
-Teaching your daughter humility
-Protecting and defending your daughter
-Teaching her courage, grit, and how to fight
-Be the man that you want your daughter to marry
-Teach your daughter who God is
Profoundly useful and important words for fathers with daughters in the 21st century. Written by pediatrician with many years experience counseling girls, particularly teenagers, Meg Meeker discusses many of the hardships, social ills, temptations, and distractions our daughters are bombarded with today.
A few of the items discussed are:
-As a father, you are her first love and the most important man in her life. Be the hero she needs.
- The dangers of negative peer influence and sexual activity, drugs, alcohol, depression, and electronics.
-Providing your daughter with boundaries, rules.barriers, and most importantly your time and attention.
-Teaching your daughter humility
-Protecting and defending your daughter
-Teaching her courage, grit, and how to fight
-Be the man that you want your daughter to marry
-Teach your daughter who God is
July 24, 2013
Every father with a daughter needs to read this book. Every man who's thinking about having children, needs to read this book. Every wife who has a daughter, needs to tell their husband to read this book. And every married man should read this book. This book brings up topics, you may think are common sense, but they are severely underserved. It brings the stats and personal stories to justify the argument the author is making. It made a believer out of me, and I definitely will read this over and over again as my daughters grow older. God willing. I also will pick up her other title "Boys will be boys", and any other book she has written. Meg Meeker is a fantastic author, who should be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for her latest work.
February 13, 2021
A lot of wisdom in this book, but also a fair amount of antiquated language around gender roles/stereotypes. Still, I will take a lot of her advice with me.
December 27, 2014
On some levels this book was disturbing, not because the content was incorrect, but because the facts presented are themselves disturbing. In one section it gives a sample dialogue of what a teenage girl might be thinking as she becomes a victim of anorexia. In another she talks about the statistics and consequences of teenage sexual activity, focusing on STDs for a large part of it. It seems that each new chapter presents another disturbing issue that I don't really want to deal with, yet is a real issue. It was a hard read.
In another sense, I feel that this is the first true self-help book I have ever read. I love self-help books in general, but they are more about empowering yourself to make changes that you want to make to lead you to a happier, more successful life. This is different. This was more a book to inform you about a bunch of problems you may or may not be aware of/ready for, and to tell you what you need to do, and who you need to be if you don't want to screw up your daughter (or your sons, in my humble opinion.). Heavy. I'll need to read a bunch of normal self help books just to make sure I apply all of the instructions in this one...
Finally, while this review may seem to be a jumbled mess, I have to say that I agree with Meeker's viewpoints and moral stance in general. Many problems would be avoided if fathers would teach abstinence, humility, confidence, and faith, and avoid divorce, engage fully at home, shun pornography, and look towards God. The serious issues that are brought about this book are largely the result of negative behaviors by fathers, and if men would stop the excuses, society as a whole would improve.
In another sense, I feel that this is the first true self-help book I have ever read. I love self-help books in general, but they are more about empowering yourself to make changes that you want to make to lead you to a happier, more successful life. This is different. This was more a book to inform you about a bunch of problems you may or may not be aware of/ready for, and to tell you what you need to do, and who you need to be if you don't want to screw up your daughter (or your sons, in my humble opinion.). Heavy. I'll need to read a bunch of normal self help books just to make sure I apply all of the instructions in this one...
Finally, while this review may seem to be a jumbled mess, I have to say that I agree with Meeker's viewpoints and moral stance in general. Many problems would be avoided if fathers would teach abstinence, humility, confidence, and faith, and avoid divorce, engage fully at home, shun pornography, and look towards God. The serious issues that are brought about this book are largely the result of negative behaviors by fathers, and if men would stop the excuses, society as a whole would improve.
June 3, 2021
Ayah adalah seorang insan yang sangat memberi nilai kepada anak perempuan mereka. Ayah juga merupakan cinta pertama mereka bahkan hero di hadapan mata anak-anak perempuannya. Tidak ramai di antara kita yang tahu bahawa seorang ayah juga turut memainkan peranan penting dalam sesebuah organisasi keluarga kerana mereka menganggap bahawa peranan seorang ayah hanyalah untuk mencari rezeki, selebihnya pula menjadi tanggungjawab si ibu untuk mendidik anak.
Menurut kajian, kanak-kanak yang rapat dengan ayah mereka bijak dalam menyelesaikan masalah malah boleh menangani tekanan di sekolah mahupun di sekeliling dgn lebih baik. Hubungan rapat dengan ayah juga dapat menghalang anak perempuan daripada terlibat dengan pelbagai masalah disiplin. Sikap ayah yang mengambil berat membolehkan anak perempuan mereka tahu menilai harga diri melalui kasih sayang diberi dan tidak cenderung untuk meraih perhatian lelaki lain. Apabila mereka mempunyai kekasih pula, mereka akan mula membandingkan sikap ayah mereka dengan kekasihnya lalu membuat pemilihan yang baik serta lebih berhati-hati.
Disamping itu, ayah yang terlalu banyak menetapkan peraturan juga akan membuatkan anak mereka memberontak kerana kebebasan mereka untuk meneroka ke dunia luar disekat sepenuhnya. Untuk mengongkong anak ada hadnya terutama sekali apabila kita perlu bijak menilai dari segi positif dan negatif setiap tingkahlaku yang mereka ingin lakukan.
Menurut kajian, kanak-kanak yang rapat dengan ayah mereka bijak dalam menyelesaikan masalah malah boleh menangani tekanan di sekolah mahupun di sekeliling dgn lebih baik. Hubungan rapat dengan ayah juga dapat menghalang anak perempuan daripada terlibat dengan pelbagai masalah disiplin. Sikap ayah yang mengambil berat membolehkan anak perempuan mereka tahu menilai harga diri melalui kasih sayang diberi dan tidak cenderung untuk meraih perhatian lelaki lain. Apabila mereka mempunyai kekasih pula, mereka akan mula membandingkan sikap ayah mereka dengan kekasihnya lalu membuat pemilihan yang baik serta lebih berhati-hati.
Disamping itu, ayah yang terlalu banyak menetapkan peraturan juga akan membuatkan anak mereka memberontak kerana kebebasan mereka untuk meneroka ke dunia luar disekat sepenuhnya. Untuk mengongkong anak ada hadnya terutama sekali apabila kita perlu bijak menilai dari segi positif dan negatif setiap tingkahlaku yang mereka ingin lakukan.
February 14, 2018
Holy cow! What a book! I really am so grateful to have read this book as a young father. And, while the book is focused on raising daughters, much of it applies to raising any and all kids. I especially enjoyed the opening chapter, which opened my eyes as to the situation facing our kids these days, while also making me feel empowered that I can actually make a difference, the strongest difference in the lives of my kids! Then, the middle chapters discuss specific issues, including self-esteem, eating disorders, and many more. My favorites of the middle chapters were the ones on helping raise your daughter with a healthy view of sex and protecting her from false messages about sexuality, as well as the chapter about raising your daughter to have faith in God. Finally, the afterword brilliantly encapsulated some action items that I can leave the book working on. I highly, highly recommend this informative, inspiring book!
February 7, 2009
There's probably a lot of information here that is intuitive to wives. And some information we sorta knew as husbands. But to see the clinical data that supports the need for dads to be involved in their daugthers lives is really shocking. Being highly involved in our girls life eliminates the need for them to go outside the home to find approval, self confidence and love. A strong relationship with their father helps their sense of self-worth and delays or prevents all sorts of antisocial behavior caused by peer pressure.
If any dad has a doubt that their number one job is to be a great husband and a great father, read this book. We have the ability to really screw up or set our girls on the path to a happy and confident life.
And the author has the data to prove it. Highly recommend it to my friends who have girls.
If any dad has a doubt that their number one job is to be a great husband and a great father, read this book. We have the ability to really screw up or set our girls on the path to a happy and confident life.
And the author has the data to prove it. Highly recommend it to my friends who have girls.
August 24, 2014
First and foremost, I thoroughly enjoyed this book.
The author presents a compelling case for the various roles that fathers fill in a daughters life. She does so by relying on facts and anecdotes from her career and she doesn't rely on platitudes (religious or otherwise) that tend to plague this genre. She also writes with a palpable passion for the topic and relates her reasoning quite well.
Reviews of this book tend to run hot or cold. If you are looking for a book to agree with, you are looking in the wrong place. This is a book that presents ideas and approaches backed by a sense of urgency for the topic based on the authors experiences. I found her points thought-provoking, and will look for other books by her.
The author presents a compelling case for the various roles that fathers fill in a daughters life. She does so by relying on facts and anecdotes from her career and she doesn't rely on platitudes (religious or otherwise) that tend to plague this genre. She also writes with a palpable passion for the topic and relates her reasoning quite well.
Reviews of this book tend to run hot or cold. If you are looking for a book to agree with, you are looking in the wrong place. This is a book that presents ideas and approaches backed by a sense of urgency for the topic based on the authors experiences. I found her points thought-provoking, and will look for other books by her.
January 18, 2025
This book makes a great case for the importance of fathers in their daughters lives, and provides actionable steps to growing and maintaining that relationship over the course of your child’s life. The he first half of the book is especially inspiring. Written in 2006 (I think), it is a little dated (lots of thoughts on how to protect your daughter from the dangers of AOL IMs, data on sexual activity among teens is way outdated) and comes off a little culture-warish for me, but at the end of the day it made me want to be a better dad. Can’t ask for much more!
April 2, 2025
“What your daughter wants most from you is your time.” Pg. 236
I appreciated Dr. Meekers high calling of fathers in the life of their daughters. From her doctor perspective she had fascinating studies in there to validate what she was saying. One that I have often heard of but not seen documentation of it was how the father Influence their child’s view of God as Father. It is definitely a high calling but one I am grateful that I get to be apart of. Reading this book will open your eyes to not take fatherhood lightly. Recommend for any dad out there.
I appreciated Dr. Meekers high calling of fathers in the life of their daughters. From her doctor perspective she had fascinating studies in there to validate what she was saying. One that I have often heard of but not seen documentation of it was how the father Influence their child’s view of God as Father. It is definitely a high calling but one I am grateful that I get to be apart of. Reading this book will open your eyes to not take fatherhood lightly. Recommend for any dad out there.
June 26, 2011
This was a great read with very practical information for dads. I am impressed with the author's expertise. I read on the kindle and the bibliography starts at 86% if that tells you anything. She writes as a medical doctor who has seen many, many young girls in her practice that provides her with an insight that is quite deep and broad.
I would encourage any father to pick this book up and learn from it. It could change you and your daughter's life.
Highly Recommended.
I would encourage any father to pick this book up and learn from it. It could change you and your daughter's life.
Highly Recommended.
August 4, 2013
Excellent book for any father of daughters. This is not a know it all woman addressing men who need it. Rather, it's an enlightening, lucid, detailed, authoritative tribute to the power of fatherhood, and the call to it. Although I myself am not divorced, I especially appreciate the section for divorced men
January 15, 2019
A lot of ink (digital and actual) has been put down about the relationships between fathers and sons. But what about fathers' relationships to their daughters? The literature is rather slim. This book provides some practical advice and motivation to fathers so that they will be more involved in their daughters' lives, even from an early age.
The book emphasizes a point that is generally neglected: Fathers are a role model to their daughters of what men should be like. Daughters will measure guys according to their fathers' behavior. If fathers treat their daughters with respect and take care of them, they will in turn expect that from other men. The intent isn't to create a princess who needs everything from others, but a woman who knows what she wants, what's expected of her, and what she can do.
One of the biggest issues is to protect girls from the toxic environment that is modern culture. The standard women who appear in entertainment or advertising are ridiculously thin, voluptuous, and underdressed. As models to strive for, such women are the opposite of helpful. Cutting girls off from such culture is impossible, but developing the right attitude towards that culture is a job for mothers and fathers. Establishing ground rules and sticking to them is critical, even in awkward situations, like parties where too much drinking goes on. Fathers need to take charge, to take care of their daughters.
The book is alarming as it looks at problems girls face: for example, sexual promiscuity and eating disorders. The author uses both statistics and examples drawn from her medical practice to discuss the issues and tell how fathers can be a positive influence in their daughters' lives. The stories are shocking and depressing, though often they do have happy endings. It's a very hard world. Girls need support, especially from their family.
This is a very valuable and interesting book to read, especially for men with daughters.
Recommended.
The book emphasizes a point that is generally neglected: Fathers are a role model to their daughters of what men should be like. Daughters will measure guys according to their fathers' behavior. If fathers treat their daughters with respect and take care of them, they will in turn expect that from other men. The intent isn't to create a princess who needs everything from others, but a woman who knows what she wants, what's expected of her, and what she can do.
One of the biggest issues is to protect girls from the toxic environment that is modern culture. The standard women who appear in entertainment or advertising are ridiculously thin, voluptuous, and underdressed. As models to strive for, such women are the opposite of helpful. Cutting girls off from such culture is impossible, but developing the right attitude towards that culture is a job for mothers and fathers. Establishing ground rules and sticking to them is critical, even in awkward situations, like parties where too much drinking goes on. Fathers need to take charge, to take care of their daughters.
The book is alarming as it looks at problems girls face: for example, sexual promiscuity and eating disorders. The author uses both statistics and examples drawn from her medical practice to discuss the issues and tell how fathers can be a positive influence in their daughters' lives. The stories are shocking and depressing, though often they do have happy endings. It's a very hard world. Girls need support, especially from their family.
This is a very valuable and interesting book to read, especially for men with daughters.
Recommended.
April 16, 2014
Review Title: Limited value for atheist fathers
I’ll start this review off charitably and finish with criticism. From the title of my review and my two out of five star rating I’m sure you know where this review is ultimately headed but I do think there are some qualities displayed and I don’t want to lose sight of them.
***The good***
There are some great quotes that I think by themselves are very useful and might be worth the price of the book alone. For instance,
“Most of you out there are good men as well, but you are good men who have been derided by a culture that does not care for you, that, in terms of the family, has ridiculed your authority, denied your importance, and tried to fill you with confusion about your role. “
I’ve often noticed this deriding message in popular tv media and even among some friends and it’s nice to see this called out as a mistake and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one noticing this as a problem in our culture.
“Your daughter doesn’t want to see you as an equal. She wants you to be her hero, someone who is wiser and steadier and stronger than she is.”
That is great, I agree and I think it’s a great reminder when times get challenging.
"... you, the most important man in her life, obviously like being with her, she will feel more attractive. She’ll think that boys who don’t want to be with her have a problem (because you’re smarter and more mature than they are."
I love this, it clearly states the impact you have on your daughters view of men in her future. Along these lines there is a great sequence I didn’t capture in quotes about how if a suitor honks his horn expecting to avoid meeting you and expecting your daughter to just come running out of the house to start a date, you should realize the massive failing on the part of the suitor to respect your daughter and you.
Beyond the three quotes there is additional value in the books raising awareness of HPV and other STD’s that don’t get as much mind share and the fact that condoms are less effective at addressing HPV and different strains of herpes. Also the discussions relating to eating disorders were helpful for someone clueless about such things.
***The bad***
The major issue here is not that the author is religious and it’s not that she merely presents religious topics in a book about raising a child. If that were the extent of the problem I would have simply left those chapters alone and figured “Meh, it’s not for me, I get that some people care, what ev” and moved on. However, that is not what the author is presenting. The very first sentence of chapter 8 is
"Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her." pg 177.
This is strong language. In the full context of this book “needs” here should be interpreted as, if you don’t believe in God and you don’t introduce your daughter to God you are not strong and your daughter will not be strong and you have a massive problem. Lets now look at what kind of arguments she uses to convince the reader why you have a problem if you don’t believe in God or practice religion.
" Religion is protective for kids. Studies on adolescents reproduce this fact with extraordinary consistency." pg 178.
The author follows this up with a whole bunch of statistics on various risk factors from drugs to sex to violence and so on, all showing the statistical benefits of practicing religion. This is a big departure from the old arguments I remember growing up with. My least favorite being “You will burn in hell if you don’t believe in God.”. It’s also a departure from the somewhat plausible arguments from antiquity (St. Thomas Aquinas). This new kind of argument (which I’m sure this author didn’t originate) is very pragmatic. It’s showing the benefits like it’s a choice between cruise liner packages, ignoring the larger epistemological issues, namely what is your standard of knowledge? Should the “onus of proof” principle be used at all? I guess not, after all if you just follow these religious steps you will get the goodies.
The author continues with fallacies, lets follow along.
" Now, imagine you are walking out of her room. Could you turn around and look at her and believe that the sum of her existence rests in a mass of cells. " pg. 181.
We have two fallacies here. Prior to this quote she sets up a rosy religious alternative and compares it with this bland “mass of cells”. That is one, -neglected aspect- combined with two, -fallacy of composition-. Maybe I’m exaggerating?
"... a rank secularist is obliged to view his daughter. She is nothing more than a genetic product of his and her mother’s DNA. " pg. 181
Just to finish my rant on chapter 8, we have this gem which just further complicates things.
"When I say your daughter needs God, I am being specific to the Judeo-Christian tradition" pg. 180
I could say more but I think the horse is beaten. One last quote before we turn to some more horrific quotes in Chapter 4.
" In other words, to be a good father is to be a good instructor about God. " pg 190
Chapter 4 Humility
"But if you teach your daughter that improving her talent, intellect, or beauty will increase her self-esteem, you’re setting her up for a terrible lesson" pg. 80
The lesson I intend to teach is not that you should feel guilty about your talent or intellect because it differentiates you or that you should lord over others with your talents. I will be teaching something similar to Aristotle’s view that “Pride, then, seems to be a sort of crown of the virtues;” see Nocomachean Ethics book 4.
The author is fearful of pride. She thinks it leads to bullying.
"Humility, however, prevents bullying and being bullied" pg. 82
She is convinced that developing skills leads to differences and differences lead to prejudice and judgment. I say judge and be prepared to be judged.
"The paradox is that happiness is truly found only when it is routinely denied" pg. 86
It is truly a paradox, yes indeed because ethics is not this authors strength. This and other quotes indicate that the author has conflated the over 2300 year study of western ethics with modern Christian ethics. This is a grave mistake. There are other ethical systems and contrary to popular belief they aren't all crazy.
CONCLUSION
Parenting books for me provide limited value in themselves. Primarily they are a chance to spend sometime considering your relationship with your kids. The concrete content of the books is rarely useful. The opportunity to deliberately think about your child and yourself is the value.
I’ll start this review off charitably and finish with criticism. From the title of my review and my two out of five star rating I’m sure you know where this review is ultimately headed but I do think there are some qualities displayed and I don’t want to lose sight of them.
***The good***
There are some great quotes that I think by themselves are very useful and might be worth the price of the book alone. For instance,
“Most of you out there are good men as well, but you are good men who have been derided by a culture that does not care for you, that, in terms of the family, has ridiculed your authority, denied your importance, and tried to fill you with confusion about your role. “
I’ve often noticed this deriding message in popular tv media and even among some friends and it’s nice to see this called out as a mistake and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one noticing this as a problem in our culture.
“Your daughter doesn’t want to see you as an equal. She wants you to be her hero, someone who is wiser and steadier and stronger than she is.”
That is great, I agree and I think it’s a great reminder when times get challenging.
"... you, the most important man in her life, obviously like being with her, she will feel more attractive. She’ll think that boys who don’t want to be with her have a problem (because you’re smarter and more mature than they are."
I love this, it clearly states the impact you have on your daughters view of men in her future. Along these lines there is a great sequence I didn’t capture in quotes about how if a suitor honks his horn expecting to avoid meeting you and expecting your daughter to just come running out of the house to start a date, you should realize the massive failing on the part of the suitor to respect your daughter and you.
Beyond the three quotes there is additional value in the books raising awareness of HPV and other STD’s that don’t get as much mind share and the fact that condoms are less effective at addressing HPV and different strains of herpes. Also the discussions relating to eating disorders were helpful for someone clueless about such things.
***The bad***
The major issue here is not that the author is religious and it’s not that she merely presents religious topics in a book about raising a child. If that were the extent of the problem I would have simply left those chapters alone and figured “Meh, it’s not for me, I get that some people care, what ev” and moved on. However, that is not what the author is presenting. The very first sentence of chapter 8 is
"Your daughter needs God. And she wants you to be the one to show her who He is, what He is like, and what He thinks about her." pg 177.
This is strong language. In the full context of this book “needs” here should be interpreted as, if you don’t believe in God and you don’t introduce your daughter to God you are not strong and your daughter will not be strong and you have a massive problem. Lets now look at what kind of arguments she uses to convince the reader why you have a problem if you don’t believe in God or practice religion.
" Religion is protective for kids. Studies on adolescents reproduce this fact with extraordinary consistency." pg 178.
The author follows this up with a whole bunch of statistics on various risk factors from drugs to sex to violence and so on, all showing the statistical benefits of practicing religion. This is a big departure from the old arguments I remember growing up with. My least favorite being “You will burn in hell if you don’t believe in God.”. It’s also a departure from the somewhat plausible arguments from antiquity (St. Thomas Aquinas). This new kind of argument (which I’m sure this author didn’t originate) is very pragmatic. It’s showing the benefits like it’s a choice between cruise liner packages, ignoring the larger epistemological issues, namely what is your standard of knowledge? Should the “onus of proof” principle be used at all? I guess not, after all if you just follow these religious steps you will get the goodies.
The author continues with fallacies, lets follow along.
" Now, imagine you are walking out of her room. Could you turn around and look at her and believe that the sum of her existence rests in a mass of cells. " pg. 181.
We have two fallacies here. Prior to this quote she sets up a rosy religious alternative and compares it with this bland “mass of cells”. That is one, -neglected aspect- combined with two, -fallacy of composition-. Maybe I’m exaggerating?
"... a rank secularist is obliged to view his daughter. She is nothing more than a genetic product of his and her mother’s DNA. " pg. 181
Just to finish my rant on chapter 8, we have this gem which just further complicates things.
"When I say your daughter needs God, I am being specific to the Judeo-Christian tradition" pg. 180
I could say more but I think the horse is beaten. One last quote before we turn to some more horrific quotes in Chapter 4.
" In other words, to be a good father is to be a good instructor about God. " pg 190
Chapter 4 Humility
"But if you teach your daughter that improving her talent, intellect, or beauty will increase her self-esteem, you’re setting her up for a terrible lesson" pg. 80
The lesson I intend to teach is not that you should feel guilty about your talent or intellect because it differentiates you or that you should lord over others with your talents. I will be teaching something similar to Aristotle’s view that “Pride, then, seems to be a sort of crown of the virtues;” see Nocomachean Ethics book 4.
The author is fearful of pride. She thinks it leads to bullying.
"Humility, however, prevents bullying and being bullied" pg. 82
She is convinced that developing skills leads to differences and differences lead to prejudice and judgment. I say judge and be prepared to be judged.
"The paradox is that happiness is truly found only when it is routinely denied" pg. 86
It is truly a paradox, yes indeed because ethics is not this authors strength. This and other quotes indicate that the author has conflated the over 2300 year study of western ethics with modern Christian ethics. This is a grave mistake. There are other ethical systems and contrary to popular belief they aren't all crazy.
CONCLUSION
Parenting books for me provide limited value in themselves. Primarily they are a chance to spend sometime considering your relationship with your kids. The concrete content of the books is rarely useful. The opportunity to deliberately think about your child and yourself is the value.
October 20, 2024
I am the father to 13 and 16 year old daughters and my therapists suggested I read this book. I should also mention that I am a physician, which only matters because I tend to have a bit of a jaundiced eye when I hear other physicians giving their advice based the scientific research and clinical anecdotes that they select to support their points without acknowledging their own cultural bias.
Let me first say this book might be just right for you, but for me the majority of the advice left me feeling overly judged. I am a father who has worked hard to develop meaningful relationships with his daughters and teach them to be cautious but curious. The world is both a wonderful and terrible place and I need them to experience both while they live under my roof so I can enjoy it with them and also explain it to them (the best I can). This is the only way I know to prepare them for what comes next. I grew up in a household of religion and restriction and I am acutely sensitive to how a child will prioritizing pleasing the parent over honesty. Obviously this isn’t always the case but, from my analysis, this is where Dr. Meeker’s approach introduces risk that she does not completely address.
I choose not to go through the examples that I believe support my opinion because those examples are kind of the fun part of reading the book. I enjoyed being challenged about my views and having to decide what I believe in, that’s why I gave it the first star. The second star is because of the last section where Dr. Meeker’s says that we dad’s need to be there and keep showing up for our daughters, no matter what age they are or situation they may be in, and on that point, we couldn’t be more aligned.
Let me first say this book might be just right for you, but for me the majority of the advice left me feeling overly judged. I am a father who has worked hard to develop meaningful relationships with his daughters and teach them to be cautious but curious. The world is both a wonderful and terrible place and I need them to experience both while they live under my roof so I can enjoy it with them and also explain it to them (the best I can). This is the only way I know to prepare them for what comes next. I grew up in a household of religion and restriction and I am acutely sensitive to how a child will prioritizing pleasing the parent over honesty. Obviously this isn’t always the case but, from my analysis, this is where Dr. Meeker’s approach introduces risk that she does not completely address.
I choose not to go through the examples that I believe support my opinion because those examples are kind of the fun part of reading the book. I enjoyed being challenged about my views and having to decide what I believe in, that’s why I gave it the first star. The second star is because of the last section where Dr. Meeker’s says that we dad’s need to be there and keep showing up for our daughters, no matter what age they are or situation they may be in, and on that point, we couldn’t be more aligned.
December 14, 2019
I was a little late getting to this book since my oldest daughter is almost 17. But I'm glad I read it.
Meeker is a doctor who works with teen girls, so she's heard many firsthand stories. Some of these stories are featured in the book. They're pretty eye-opening.
This book is written from a Christian perspective so will resonate more with Christians than those of other faiths. That said, the medical consequences of certain activities are indisputable. Meeker covers these in a tasteful (and impactful) way.
I think one of my biggest takeaways is that responsible teenage daughters are still teens prone to lapses in judgment. Therefore, it's still important for fathers to set clear boundaries, meet boyfriends prior to first dates, etc.
When my daughter started dating her first boyfriend, I met him and felt comfortable with him. But... I neglected to set a curfew. Nothing bad happened, but I quickly realized my mistake.
Bottom line: I don't agree with everything in this book. But if you're a Christian father, and you'd like to understand your daughter better, this is a solid book for you to read (or listen to).
Meeker is a doctor who works with teen girls, so she's heard many firsthand stories. Some of these stories are featured in the book. They're pretty eye-opening.
This book is written from a Christian perspective so will resonate more with Christians than those of other faiths. That said, the medical consequences of certain activities are indisputable. Meeker covers these in a tasteful (and impactful) way.
I think one of my biggest takeaways is that responsible teenage daughters are still teens prone to lapses in judgment. Therefore, it's still important for fathers to set clear boundaries, meet boyfriends prior to first dates, etc.
When my daughter started dating her first boyfriend, I met him and felt comfortable with him. But... I neglected to set a curfew. Nothing bad happened, but I quickly realized my mistake.
Bottom line: I don't agree with everything in this book. But if you're a Christian father, and you'd like to understand your daughter better, this is a solid book for you to read (or listen to).
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