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Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD 1 edition
If you grew up with an emotionally immature, unavailable, or selfish parent, you may have lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment. You may recall your childhood as a time when your emotional needs were not met, when your feelings were dismissed, or when you took on adult levels of responsibility in an effort to compensate for your parent's behavior. These wounds can be healed, and you can move forward in your life.
In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents' emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you'll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life.
Discover the four types of difficult parents:
• The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety.
• The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone.
• The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting.
• The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory.
In this breakthrough book, clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson exposes the destructive nature of parents who are emotionally immature or unavailable. You will see how these parents create a sense of neglect, and discover ways to heal from the pain and confusion caused by your childhood. By freeing yourself from your parents' emotional immaturity, you can recover your true nature, control how you react to them, and avoid disappointment. Finally, you'll learn how to create positive, new relationships so you can build a better life.
Discover the four types of difficult parents:
• The emotional parent instills feelings of instability and anxiety.
• The driven parent stays busy trying to perfect everything and everyone.
• The passive parent avoids dealing with anything upsetting.
• The rejecting parent is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory.
Paperback
First published June 1, 2015
25976 people are currently reading
168175 people want to read
About the author
Lindsay C. Gibson
25 books1,250 followersDr. Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD, is a New York Times bestselling author and licensed clinical psychologist with over thirty years of experience. She holds degrees from Central Michigan University and the Virginia Consortium Program in Clinical Psychology. Dr. Gibson, author of the bestselling book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, has been featured in The New York Times and The Washington Post, appeared on major podcasts like Mel Robbins and Ten Percent Happier, and been featured by many TikTok book clubs. She speaks regularly at conferences such as the National Association of Social Workers Conference and Psychotherapy Networker Conference.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 9,261 reviews
August 26, 2018
Hands down one of the best Psychology books I have ever read. I love this book so, so much. As anyone who has read my blog knows, I grew up with pretty awful (i.e., abusive) parents, so this book validated my experiences in such a profound way. I appreciate how Lindsey Gibson honors the emotional experience of growing up with an emotionally immature parent through her immense empathy and compassion. She makes space for the suffering and the painful yet necessary transformation of a helpless child to a self-aware adult. She writes like a warm therapist or friend who stands by your side, as opposed to a cold or detached professional. Throughout the book, she provides a ton of important research-based information too, like the four types of emotionally immature parents and various findings about attachment patterns.
I most loved how Gibson provides specific, tangible strategies for improving your ability to handle difficult emotions as well as techniques to develop healthy, reciprocal relationships. I believe that everyone could benefit from reading these sections - and this book as a whole - as Gibson's insights apply to handling all emotionally immature people, not just parents. For example, she provides a thorough list of traits and behaviors of emotionally mature people at the end of the book that amazed me with its accuracy and understanding of humans.
Ten out of five stars to this gem. I know I will come back to it both for my personal life and for my work as a mental health professional.
I most loved how Gibson provides specific, tangible strategies for improving your ability to handle difficult emotions as well as techniques to develop healthy, reciprocal relationships. I believe that everyone could benefit from reading these sections - and this book as a whole - as Gibson's insights apply to handling all emotionally immature people, not just parents. For example, she provides a thorough list of traits and behaviors of emotionally mature people at the end of the book that amazed me with its accuracy and understanding of humans.
Ten out of five stars to this gem. I know I will come back to it both for my personal life and for my work as a mental health professional.
March 22, 2016
Agh! I want to give this book five stars soooo badly, but there is one thing holding me back. The book talks in detail about emotionally immature parents, and how to recognize the behaviors. It also talks at length about internalizing and externalizing as responses to those behaviors.
What it doesn't talk about is recognizing those same emotionally immature behaviors in yourself, and what you can do to mature in those areas. Of course, we'll have reactions to the behaviors of our parents, but many of us adopted those same behaviors, and would like to avoid making those same mistakes in our relationships now. I would've loved a section just before the end summary of each section that had 2-3 concrete exercises to help not behave in those emotionally immature ways.
Why does this seemingly small criticism knock it down a full star? Maybe I'm an extreme internalizer ;-) but I found it sometimes hard to focus on the sections about why I deserved more while I was too busy worrying, "but I do that. And that! Oh no..."
But, that being said, it's absolutely worth reading, I loved it. It was so helpful and has a really good balance of non-emotionally identifying immature behaviors and offering new attitudes and behaviors. I am so hoping that there's a sequel about not falling into emotionally immature behaviors ourselves.
What it doesn't talk about is recognizing those same emotionally immature behaviors in yourself, and what you can do to mature in those areas. Of course, we'll have reactions to the behaviors of our parents, but many of us adopted those same behaviors, and would like to avoid making those same mistakes in our relationships now. I would've loved a section just before the end summary of each section that had 2-3 concrete exercises to help not behave in those emotionally immature ways.
Why does this seemingly small criticism knock it down a full star? Maybe I'm an extreme internalizer ;-) but I found it sometimes hard to focus on the sections about why I deserved more while I was too busy worrying, "but I do that. And that! Oh no..."
But, that being said, it's absolutely worth reading, I loved it. It was so helpful and has a really good balance of non-emotionally identifying immature behaviors and offering new attitudes and behaviors. I am so hoping that there's a sequel about not falling into emotionally immature behaviors ourselves.
June 1, 2019
Two words: Life altering.
It's hard to review such a book without getting personal. I'm not interested in sharing my dirty laundry or my family's, but this book has completely changed my life.
I learned I wasn't alone, and I learned many "whys." More importantly, beyond explaining the "hows" and "whys," the author gave tools for interacting with family, finding and making new emotionally mature relationships, inner change, and more.
I would pick up more of Gibson's work in a heartbeat. I'm eternally grateful.
It's hard to review such a book without getting personal. I'm not interested in sharing my dirty laundry or my family's, but this book has completely changed my life.
I learned I wasn't alone, and I learned many "whys." More importantly, beyond explaining the "hows" and "whys," the author gave tools for interacting with family, finding and making new emotionally mature relationships, inner change, and more.
I would pick up more of Gibson's work in a heartbeat. I'm eternally grateful.
August 1, 2023
I avoided this one for a good minute.
For some reason I just ‘wasn’t in the mood’ for it.
But I’ll be ding danged if it didn’t hit the bullseye 🎯
Sometimes we (I) avoid the the best stuff, and go for the close but not quite thing, or even the wrong thing altogether.
Funny how that works.
And that’s kind of what this book is about.
It’s about how being emotionally neglected in childhood, by an emotionally immature or self absorbed parent, can get you in the habit of ‘putting out fire with gasoline’, and can keep you ‘lookin for love in all the wrong places’ (as an 80’s pop song can attest).
How so you ask?
Well you have to read the book to find out.
But it ‘goes a little something like this, hit it’.
Author Lindsay Gibson defines emotionally immature parenting as typified by a pervasive inability to be present and attentive to the child’s emotional experiences.
According to Gibson, emotionally immature, or self absorbed parents are blind to their children’s emotional word for a variety of reasons, most commonly due to their own abuse and neglect in childhood, as well as trauma, addiction, mental illness etc.
Anyway, for what ever reason, the emotionally immature parent(s) can’t sooth or validate their children’s emotions.
Left to fend for themselves, these emotionally neglected children may adopt an internalizing or externalizing coping style.
Internalizing: refers to the tendency to seek emotional soothing by becoming self-reliant, and retreating inwardly e.g. utilizing psychological defenses and traits such as dissociation and/or creative fantasy for emotional comfort.
Internalizers are vulnerable to trauma depression and anxiety, but are also prone to self awareness, insight and empathy.
Externalizing: refers to the tendency to seek emotional soothing externally in relationships, objects and behaviors.
Externalizers are vulnerable to substance use, emotional outbursts, vandalism, crime etc. but are also prone to hard driving high achievement.
The author reports that internalizers are the ones that typically seek therapy voluntarily, often in their 30’s after a divorce or other relationship problems.
But externalizers end up in therapy too, usually due to legal troubles or substance abuse etc.
In both cases, children of emotionally immature parents ‘grow up quickly’ out of sheer necessity to take care of them selves, or to take care of their parents.
In such cases, childhood offers little advantages and too many restrictions.
These ‘little grownups’ speed towards adulthood and independence, but at a very high price that they only become aware of later in life.
Growing up fast is exciting, but you miss out on important developmentally appropriate milestones and often find yourself behind your peers in someway or another.
Children of emotionally immature parents frequently want to change the way their parents feel.
But the author emphatically warns against this claiming “you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change”.
The author observers that children of emotionally immature parents often harbor a fantasy that if they can just engage emotionally with their parent, in just the right way, then they will finally be seen and understood, and the parent will change their emotionally neglectful, self absorbed ways.
No!!!
That’s never going to happen.
Take that fantasy and draw a big barsinister through it 🚫.
This fantasy may take the form of endless emotional demonstrations, conversations and confrontations that leave the emotionally immature parents feeing uncomfortable and defensive and leave the adult child feeling wounded and unsupported all over again.
This dynamic often gets reenacted in adult relationships with partners, whereby the adult child of emotionally immature parents seeks out partners who are emotionally similar to their problematic parental relationship.
You know.
That ‘same relationship different person’ cycle.
#Nightmare
The author posits that if theses dynamics go unidentified, unprocessed and unresolved, than they can dominate and ruin your love, friendship and work relationships, and (perhaps most disturbingly) may be transmitted to your children trans-generationally.
The author has TONS of good advice about what can be done. But perhaps most immediately effective are the following.
Boundaries: identify how long you can be in contact with your emotionally immature parent, without loosing your objectivity and without becoming emotionally reactive, and limit your contact with the parent, not to exceed that amount.
Limit your conversations to non contentious topics. And (warning) be prepared for the subject to almost always come back to them.
Accept and Manage: rather than endlessly emotionally engaging with the parent, the author recommends accepting that you can’t change someone else’s emotional reality with yours.
In other words, let go of your fantasy that they will finally see understand your perspective and drop the rope on the emotional tug of war that’s exhausting both of you.
Surrender.
You’ll win by loosing.
Trust me on this one.
The author instead recommends remaining observational and outcome driven.
Observe the parents current level of capacity. Identify achievable, realistic goals you can accomplish together, and stick to those.
This book is LOADED to the gills with wisdom, intelligence and excellent advice (a rarity to be sure).
If you’re curious.
Get it.
If this book is your jam, you will know within the first chapter.
If it is.
Than this book might help you finally find your way home to the sanity and serenity you have been seeking.
Awesome Read 😍
For some reason I just ‘wasn’t in the mood’ for it.
But I’ll be ding danged if it didn’t hit the bullseye 🎯
Sometimes we (I) avoid the the best stuff, and go for the close but not quite thing, or even the wrong thing altogether.
Funny how that works.
And that’s kind of what this book is about.
It’s about how being emotionally neglected in childhood, by an emotionally immature or self absorbed parent, can get you in the habit of ‘putting out fire with gasoline’, and can keep you ‘lookin for love in all the wrong places’ (as an 80’s pop song can attest).
How so you ask?
Well you have to read the book to find out.
But it ‘goes a little something like this, hit it’.
Author Lindsay Gibson defines emotionally immature parenting as typified by a pervasive inability to be present and attentive to the child’s emotional experiences.
According to Gibson, emotionally immature, or self absorbed parents are blind to their children’s emotional word for a variety of reasons, most commonly due to their own abuse and neglect in childhood, as well as trauma, addiction, mental illness etc.
Anyway, for what ever reason, the emotionally immature parent(s) can’t sooth or validate their children’s emotions.
Left to fend for themselves, these emotionally neglected children may adopt an internalizing or externalizing coping style.
Internalizing: refers to the tendency to seek emotional soothing by becoming self-reliant, and retreating inwardly e.g. utilizing psychological defenses and traits such as dissociation and/or creative fantasy for emotional comfort.
Internalizers are vulnerable to trauma depression and anxiety, but are also prone to self awareness, insight and empathy.
Externalizing: refers to the tendency to seek emotional soothing externally in relationships, objects and behaviors.
Externalizers are vulnerable to substance use, emotional outbursts, vandalism, crime etc. but are also prone to hard driving high achievement.
The author reports that internalizers are the ones that typically seek therapy voluntarily, often in their 30’s after a divorce or other relationship problems.
But externalizers end up in therapy too, usually due to legal troubles or substance abuse etc.
In both cases, children of emotionally immature parents ‘grow up quickly’ out of sheer necessity to take care of them selves, or to take care of their parents.
In such cases, childhood offers little advantages and too many restrictions.
These ‘little grownups’ speed towards adulthood and independence, but at a very high price that they only become aware of later in life.
Growing up fast is exciting, but you miss out on important developmentally appropriate milestones and often find yourself behind your peers in someway or another.
Children of emotionally immature parents frequently want to change the way their parents feel.
But the author emphatically warns against this claiming “you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change”.
The author observers that children of emotionally immature parents often harbor a fantasy that if they can just engage emotionally with their parent, in just the right way, then they will finally be seen and understood, and the parent will change their emotionally neglectful, self absorbed ways.
No!!!
That’s never going to happen.
Take that fantasy and draw a big barsinister through it 🚫.
This fantasy may take the form of endless emotional demonstrations, conversations and confrontations that leave the emotionally immature parents feeing uncomfortable and defensive and leave the adult child feeling wounded and unsupported all over again.
This dynamic often gets reenacted in adult relationships with partners, whereby the adult child of emotionally immature parents seeks out partners who are emotionally similar to their problematic parental relationship.
You know.
That ‘same relationship different person’ cycle.
#Nightmare
The author posits that if theses dynamics go unidentified, unprocessed and unresolved, than they can dominate and ruin your love, friendship and work relationships, and (perhaps most disturbingly) may be transmitted to your children trans-generationally.
The author has TONS of good advice about what can be done. But perhaps most immediately effective are the following.
Boundaries: identify how long you can be in contact with your emotionally immature parent, without loosing your objectivity and without becoming emotionally reactive, and limit your contact with the parent, not to exceed that amount.
Limit your conversations to non contentious topics. And (warning) be prepared for the subject to almost always come back to them.
Accept and Manage: rather than endlessly emotionally engaging with the parent, the author recommends accepting that you can’t change someone else’s emotional reality with yours.
In other words, let go of your fantasy that they will finally see understand your perspective and drop the rope on the emotional tug of war that’s exhausting both of you.
Surrender.
You’ll win by loosing.
Trust me on this one.
The author instead recommends remaining observational and outcome driven.
Observe the parents current level of capacity. Identify achievable, realistic goals you can accomplish together, and stick to those.
This book is LOADED to the gills with wisdom, intelligence and excellent advice (a rarity to be sure).
If you’re curious.
Get it.
If this book is your jam, you will know within the first chapter.
If it is.
Than this book might help you finally find your way home to the sanity and serenity you have been seeking.
Awesome Read 😍
January 20, 2021
Here is how my reading experience was:
- 50% vigorous head nodding and delight to have the right language for my lived experiences
- 20% gasping due to incisive and hyper-specific instances that I could relate to clearly
- 20% itch to share snippets with certain people in my life who would benefit from this 'enlightenment', and
- 10% desire to go back in time, print this out, and chant it like a mantra every year of my adolescent life.
Written by a clinical psychologist, this was surprisingly neither too academic nor too 'self-helpy'. A friend on finding out that I am reading this book said to me, "this is what i have spent the last 2 years in therapy trying to process/unpack, and i am so glad to have found this book."
There is power in this book, and it could be a terrific read - but only if you're the right audience for it. I know I am.
- 50% vigorous head nodding and delight to have the right language for my lived experiences
- 20% gasping due to incisive and hyper-specific instances that I could relate to clearly
- 20% itch to share snippets with certain people in my life who would benefit from this 'enlightenment', and
- 10% desire to go back in time, print this out, and chant it like a mantra every year of my adolescent life.
Written by a clinical psychologist, this was surprisingly neither too academic nor too 'self-helpy'. A friend on finding out that I am reading this book said to me, "this is what i have spent the last 2 years in therapy trying to process/unpack, and i am so glad to have found this book."
There is power in this book, and it could be a terrific read - but only if you're the right audience for it. I know I am.
May 22, 2025
Welcome aboard the train wreck of my life!
I’m glad you’re here.
My therapist recommended this book. Yep. I have a therapist now.
Didn’t I tell you that I’m heartbroken? I lead a quiet life, a small life, and I am frightfully alone, afraid that I will leave this world unseen.
If you want a hoot, I highly recommend checking the notes and highlights I shared (sorry only available on desktop, not GoodReads app).
When I grew up, my parents were both bottom 10 percent parents. Between my father and stepmother, there were 5 children. All of them ran away except me.
Certain emotions were not tolerated. “Go to your room, you crybaby! Get out of my sight!” In addition to the emotional abuse, I was subject to lashings and slaps. To this day, I still have nightmares because I had to practice jumping out the window to plan my escape if things got too bad!
To avoid being on the receiving end of wrath, I attempted to be invisible.
This book talks about Traits Associated with Emotional Immaturity, and it was quite enlightening.
My father used to rely on a saying, "Children are resilient." This was used to absolve him of all responsibility for the absolute horrors that were inflicted upon me. I wasn't resilient. My parents broke me so profoundly me that it has impacted my life every single day for the past 30 years.
Years after I left the house of horrors, I received an application. My father wanted to host a foster child. Would I support his grant of a foster child? I wrote a resounding no in reply, pleading on behalf of the child that he or she would never know stability.
What was my father's response? Was it a gesture of healing?
He laughed. That's right. He laughed and said, "You weren't the only one to write a negative response."
Fast forward to today. For the last two years, although I was seeking emotional intimacy, I became enmeshed with another person.
How are you supposed to feel when you discover that the person you adore doesn’t care about you? That when you reach out your hand and know no one will take it. That everything you gave, everything you said, every whispered moment, being the first and last text meant nothing.
This book helped me understand that he wants to live in the moment, forgetting the past hurts, not planning the future, only doing what feels good in the moment.
He still wonders why he would have to work on being my friend.
Let’s take a look:
He didn’t ask me if I needed anything. He didn’t offer to send money to cover our business supplies when we parted ways. He didn’t bother to ask me about my big project coming up. He didn’t say Happy Mother’s Day. He didn’t once read to me from Walden (our favorite book). He didn’t ask to call me. Hey, I know you love the sound of my voice. He didn’t say hey I am glad you are here or it is nice to hear from you or I missed you or I really appreciate all that you have done. He didn’t provide comfort to me when I reached out for help despite always dropping everything without hesitation for him. He didn’t show up when we had arranged to meet. He didn’t protect me.
He did deny my feelings, telling me I shouldn’t feel that way. He did blame me. He refused to pick up a book for me even though I had just spent weeks getting his business open. He did not keep his word. He made excuses. He sold the first book that we ever produced, the first time my design became a reality, despite pleading with him not to. He would storm out over minor things, never knowing if he was coming back. He gave me IOU’s on every holiday. He did accuse me of saying things that I never said over and over, even when I was newly released from the hospital, hunched over in pain, and begging him to stop. He made it about himself when I needed him the most.
And yet I care about this person more than any other. I am anxious when he is not around. I wonder where he is. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he has already forgotten me. Is he wearing our friendship bracelet?
Deep down, my heart cries for his validation. The one set of applause that matters. I desire for him to see me, genuinely appreciate me, and heal my soul. Compliments from the heart, not cajoled. Where he will one day, direct his full attention to me, with his eyes locked on mine, he will make me feel fully seen and understood. Ask me how I feel. Ask me what he can do for me. Even if the world is crumbling, I will finally feel safe in the world.
He has asked me several times, "But why do we have to work at being friends?" I am ready to answer that now. Because I am hurt, and I am worth the effort. Because I have endured more than any human being should endure. Because, despite the many hours that we have spent together, you may not have realized that I have PTSD, and this type of behaviour retraumatizes me.
But this book says you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. You can’t drag someone into emotional maturity. Trust me. I tried.
In my head, I know I need to let this person go. My heart doesn’t understand this. My heart has infinite hope.
So I’m going to practice a technique from the book, “Explicitly say what you feel or want and enjoy that act of self-expression, but release any need for the other person to hear you or change. You can’t force others to empathize or understand.”
If in the off chance that this message in a bottle gets to this person who has written his name on my heart, this is our book. Read it and take it to a therapist. This is a new world you can build far greater than Gatsby. 🦢
The Green Light at the End of the Dock (How much I spent):
Softcover Text – $10.96 from Amazon
Electronic Text - $7.36 from Amazon
Connect With Me!
Blog Threads BookTube Facebook Insta My Bookstore at Pango
I’m glad you’re here.
My therapist recommended this book. Yep. I have a therapist now.
Didn’t I tell you that I’m heartbroken? I lead a quiet life, a small life, and I am frightfully alone, afraid that I will leave this world unseen.
If you want a hoot, I highly recommend checking the notes and highlights I shared (sorry only available on desktop, not GoodReads app).
When I grew up, my parents were both bottom 10 percent parents. Between my father and stepmother, there were 5 children. All of them ran away except me.
Certain emotions were not tolerated. “Go to your room, you crybaby! Get out of my sight!” In addition to the emotional abuse, I was subject to lashings and slaps. To this day, I still have nightmares because I had to practice jumping out the window to plan my escape if things got too bad!
To avoid being on the receiving end of wrath, I attempted to be invisible.
This book talks about Traits Associated with Emotional Immaturity, and it was quite enlightening.
My father used to rely on a saying, "Children are resilient." This was used to absolve him of all responsibility for the absolute horrors that were inflicted upon me. I wasn't resilient. My parents broke me so profoundly me that it has impacted my life every single day for the past 30 years.
Years after I left the house of horrors, I received an application. My father wanted to host a foster child. Would I support his grant of a foster child? I wrote a resounding no in reply, pleading on behalf of the child that he or she would never know stability.
What was my father's response? Was it a gesture of healing?
He laughed. That's right. He laughed and said, "You weren't the only one to write a negative response."
Fast forward to today. For the last two years, although I was seeking emotional intimacy, I became enmeshed with another person.
How are you supposed to feel when you discover that the person you adore doesn’t care about you? That when you reach out your hand and know no one will take it. That everything you gave, everything you said, every whispered moment, being the first and last text meant nothing.
This book helped me understand that he wants to live in the moment, forgetting the past hurts, not planning the future, only doing what feels good in the moment.
He still wonders why he would have to work on being my friend.
Let’s take a look:
He didn’t ask me if I needed anything. He didn’t offer to send money to cover our business supplies when we parted ways. He didn’t bother to ask me about my big project coming up. He didn’t say Happy Mother’s Day. He didn’t once read to me from Walden (our favorite book). He didn’t ask to call me. Hey, I know you love the sound of my voice. He didn’t say hey I am glad you are here or it is nice to hear from you or I missed you or I really appreciate all that you have done. He didn’t provide comfort to me when I reached out for help despite always dropping everything without hesitation for him. He didn’t show up when we had arranged to meet. He didn’t protect me.
He did deny my feelings, telling me I shouldn’t feel that way. He did blame me. He refused to pick up a book for me even though I had just spent weeks getting his business open. He did not keep his word. He made excuses. He sold the first book that we ever produced, the first time my design became a reality, despite pleading with him not to. He would storm out over minor things, never knowing if he was coming back. He gave me IOU’s on every holiday. He did accuse me of saying things that I never said over and over, even when I was newly released from the hospital, hunched over in pain, and begging him to stop. He made it about himself when I needed him the most.
And yet I care about this person more than any other. I am anxious when he is not around. I wonder where he is. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he has already forgotten me. Is he wearing our friendship bracelet?
Deep down, my heart cries for his validation. The one set of applause that matters. I desire for him to see me, genuinely appreciate me, and heal my soul. Compliments from the heart, not cajoled. Where he will one day, direct his full attention to me, with his eyes locked on mine, he will make me feel fully seen and understood. Ask me how I feel. Ask me what he can do for me. Even if the world is crumbling, I will finally feel safe in the world.
He has asked me several times, "But why do we have to work at being friends?" I am ready to answer that now. Because I am hurt, and I am worth the effort. Because I have endured more than any human being should endure. Because, despite the many hours that we have spent together, you may not have realized that I have PTSD, and this type of behaviour retraumatizes me.
But this book says you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. You can’t drag someone into emotional maturity. Trust me. I tried.
In my head, I know I need to let this person go. My heart doesn’t understand this. My heart has infinite hope.
So I’m going to practice a technique from the book, “Explicitly say what you feel or want and enjoy that act of self-expression, but release any need for the other person to hear you or change. You can’t force others to empathize or understand.”
If in the off chance that this message in a bottle gets to this person who has written his name on my heart, this is our book. Read it and take it to a therapist. This is a new world you can build far greater than Gatsby. 🦢
The Green Light at the End of the Dock (How much I spent):
Softcover Text – $10.96 from Amazon
Electronic Text - $7.36 from Amazon
Connect With Me!
Blog Threads BookTube Facebook Insta My Bookstore at Pango
June 21, 2018
This is a book you pick out for a very specific reason, and it is hardly possible to review it in a neutral way. So I won't.
I hope that I don't have to recommend it to anyone, as it means opening up a Pandora's box of unresolved issues with major impact on who you are and how you deal with life.
Let's just say this: if you have the feeling that something was missing in your life, and that you were distinctly different from other people with regards to your family relationships, this book may help you to understand your defence mechanisms, your responses and guilt trap feelings. It may show you a way forward to realise your own potential, and a way to accept the limitations of relationships with emotionally immature people in your environment. It may help you develop a stronger sense of self and new confidence in your right to live your life according to your own wishes and dreams. It may cause pain. And it does contain nuts :-)
But no worries - if you are a classic internaliser (externalisers usually don't read self-help books), you will have developed a strong sense of humour as a vital survival skill.
This book is the apple Eve ate to gain knowledge of her all-consuming, emotionally immature parent.
I hope that I don't have to recommend it to anyone, as it means opening up a Pandora's box of unresolved issues with major impact on who you are and how you deal with life.
Let's just say this: if you have the feeling that something was missing in your life, and that you were distinctly different from other people with regards to your family relationships, this book may help you to understand your defence mechanisms, your responses and guilt trap feelings. It may show you a way forward to realise your own potential, and a way to accept the limitations of relationships with emotionally immature people in your environment. It may help you develop a stronger sense of self and new confidence in your right to live your life according to your own wishes and dreams. It may cause pain. And it does contain nuts :-)
But no worries - if you are a classic internaliser (externalisers usually don't read self-help books), you will have developed a strong sense of humour as a vital survival skill.
This book is the apple Eve ate to gain knowledge of her all-consuming, emotionally immature parent.
November 1, 2018
This book hit close to home and certainly had a lot that I could identify with, having been raised in a home with two very emotionally immature parents trying to do their best. I give them a lot of credit for what they did right, but the truth is a lot of the immaturity persists to this day. Fortunately, books like this can be of aid in my quest to break the cycle.
The problem I had with this book is that the author speaks authoritatively but without much citation to research. Her primary sources are her own clients from her own practice and her own experiences. Sure, life experience counts for a lot, but it was apparent that the author's own bias often came into play. And I felt like the author had a tendency to victimize her clients even though obviously the therapist was typically getting one side of the story during counseling sessions.
My wish for myself and for others is that adults take primary responsibility for their own emotional health and well being, and own up to the fact when they fall short. But this assumes a certain level of emotional maturity and therein lies the problem. This book provides a few tools for handling key relationships with people who are simply incapable or unwilling to manage their own emotional health. And for that it is useful.
The problem I had with this book is that the author speaks authoritatively but without much citation to research. Her primary sources are her own clients from her own practice and her own experiences. Sure, life experience counts for a lot, but it was apparent that the author's own bias often came into play. And I felt like the author had a tendency to victimize her clients even though obviously the therapist was typically getting one side of the story during counseling sessions.
My wish for myself and for others is that adults take primary responsibility for their own emotional health and well being, and own up to the fact when they fall short. But this assumes a certain level of emotional maturity and therein lies the problem. This book provides a few tools for handling key relationships with people who are simply incapable or unwilling to manage their own emotional health. And for that it is useful.
July 20, 2016
Good introduction to the concept, helps you see your parents clearly. Not much there, though, on how to overcome the defenses you built in response and change your own thought process/behavior. It's discussed, but it's very high level and not very helpful. "Do this," not "Here's how you can do this." This isn't necessarily a book for people who recognize their parents as emotionally immature already and want to know how to overcome that influence in their own lives. If you're already on board with that, this won't be very helpful.
October 6, 2019
This book had a lot of good information wrapped up in a lot of biases and harmful statements.
The basic framework of the book and the language of emotional maturity vs emotional immaturity is something genuinely freeing, and genuinely really good to be aware of. I'm able to evaluate my relationships in new light and generally feel like I have a whole new toolbox available.
The problem is this book is highly biased against those with low empathy (empathy =/= the ability to express compassion), those who are prone to bouts of all-consuming emotional reactivity (like traumatized people), and it has a few negative things to say about how "problematic" externalizers are, without acknowledging how an externalizer can still be a good person (in fact, many a time, "externalizer" is used in place of "abuser"). It generally ignores how externalization can still have the ability to place their externalization elsewhere instead of the person or situation that caused it, and instead assumes externalizers always explode on others the minute they become emotional.
Many, many, many of my friends are the kinds of people this book treats as abusers (and, using the book's own rubrics, they are not abusers despite their diagnoses making the author treat them like they are). It lacks a necessary neutrality in describing neurotypes that are outside the realm of typical, and instead very obviously places some people as "better" for how they process emotions.
According to the author, those who can figure things out completely on their own are wonderful angels who will psychologically grow in leaps and bounds, while those who have to talk out their feelings with others are doomed to never making any progress unless they learn to figure things out completely on their own. Also, empathy in the form of feeling the emotions another person is feeling as they describe them to you is the only way to form connection, with everything else being the mark of a sociopath.
I find the concept absolutely preposterous, with many a life story reflecting otherwise.
The worst part is, a lot of the traits that the author describes as "internalizer" traits can indeed be found in externalizers who were invalidated as externalizers, therefore forced to internalize all of their pain instead of expressing it— and in turn, it fails to acknowledge the wounds of not being allowed to express another person hurt you that hits externalizers doubly hard. Not only were they denied the ability to be hurt (the same as internalizers), but they were forced to perform a role that is not themselves... something that the book acknowledges as a problem. But thanks to the author's own biases, the book doesn't extend an ounce of compassion towards those people, instead assuming all externalizers were validated in their immediate outbursts and were, in turn, nurtured into an abuser role.
It's good information. I'm glad I read the book. But I cannot in good faith recommend it unless I give all of the above as a disclaimer, because it *will* be a very hurtful book to read depending on your neurotype, emotional processing style, and empathy levels.
The basic framework of the book and the language of emotional maturity vs emotional immaturity is something genuinely freeing, and genuinely really good to be aware of. I'm able to evaluate my relationships in new light and generally feel like I have a whole new toolbox available.
The problem is this book is highly biased against those with low empathy (empathy =/= the ability to express compassion), those who are prone to bouts of all-consuming emotional reactivity (like traumatized people), and it has a few negative things to say about how "problematic" externalizers are, without acknowledging how an externalizer can still be a good person (in fact, many a time, "externalizer" is used in place of "abuser"). It generally ignores how externalization can still have the ability to place their externalization elsewhere instead of the person or situation that caused it, and instead assumes externalizers always explode on others the minute they become emotional.
Many, many, many of my friends are the kinds of people this book treats as abusers (and, using the book's own rubrics, they are not abusers despite their diagnoses making the author treat them like they are). It lacks a necessary neutrality in describing neurotypes that are outside the realm of typical, and instead very obviously places some people as "better" for how they process emotions.
According to the author, those who can figure things out completely on their own are wonderful angels who will psychologically grow in leaps and bounds, while those who have to talk out their feelings with others are doomed to never making any progress unless they learn to figure things out completely on their own. Also, empathy in the form of feeling the emotions another person is feeling as they describe them to you is the only way to form connection, with everything else being the mark of a sociopath.
I find the concept absolutely preposterous, with many a life story reflecting otherwise.
The worst part is, a lot of the traits that the author describes as "internalizer" traits can indeed be found in externalizers who were invalidated as externalizers, therefore forced to internalize all of their pain instead of expressing it— and in turn, it fails to acknowledge the wounds of not being allowed to express another person hurt you that hits externalizers doubly hard. Not only were they denied the ability to be hurt (the same as internalizers), but they were forced to perform a role that is not themselves... something that the book acknowledges as a problem. But thanks to the author's own biases, the book doesn't extend an ounce of compassion towards those people, instead assuming all externalizers were validated in their immediate outbursts and were, in turn, nurtured into an abuser role.
It's good information. I'm glad I read the book. But I cannot in good faith recommend it unless I give all of the above as a disclaimer, because it *will* be a very hurtful book to read depending on your neurotype, emotional processing style, and empathy levels.
November 8, 2025
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by the clinical psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson, contains some helpful advice. But I must say, the fundamental argument is rather sus.
Gibson begins by identifying a constellation of nebulous but fairly relatable symptoms, such as:
Gibson next describes what she means by an "emotionally immature parent" – again, using nebulous but relatable terms. For instance, she says that your parent could be emotionally immature if they have exhibited any of the following:
The book omits to flag, of course, the subjective dimension to some of these descriptors.
Finally, after the reader has identified with the personal symptoms ("that's me!") and the parental descriptors ("that's mom/dad!"), Gibson goes ahead and concludes – with almost zero argument – that the two are causally related. Which, somewhat ironically, plays into one of the book's definitions of emotional immaturity: that one's beliefs are based not in objectivity but in what feels true.
As a clinical psychologist, Gibson certainly boasts a great deal of first-hand, empirical experience. But this doesn't change the fact that she's theorizing on the basis of only one side of the equation. Indeed, as she herself admits, therapy attracts certain kinds of people – namely, "internalizers", who believe that change comes from within rather than from without – which means that she's working from a very limited data set to begin with.
In short, a methodologically shaky book, so please read with a grain of salt, but one with some useful morsels scattered throughout.
Gibson begins by identifying a constellation of nebulous but fairly relatable symptoms, such as:
(1) feeling a vague sense of emptiness or of being alone in the world;
(2) putting other peoples' needs first; and
(3) ending up in unfulfilling relationships.
Gibson next describes what she means by an "emotionally immature parent" – again, using nebulous but relatable terms. For instance, she says that your parent could be emotionally immature if they have exhibited any of the following:
(1) My parent often overreacted to relatively minor things.
(2) My parent was often irritated by individual differences or different points of view.
(3) Facts and logic were no match for my parent’s opinions.
The book omits to flag, of course, the subjective dimension to some of these descriptors.
Finally, after the reader has identified with the personal symptoms ("that's me!") and the parental descriptors ("that's mom/dad!"), Gibson goes ahead and concludes – with almost zero argument – that the two are causally related. Which, somewhat ironically, plays into one of the book's definitions of emotional immaturity: that one's beliefs are based not in objectivity but in what feels true.
As a clinical psychologist, Gibson certainly boasts a great deal of first-hand, empirical experience. But this doesn't change the fact that she's theorizing on the basis of only one side of the equation. Indeed, as she herself admits, therapy attracts certain kinds of people – namely, "internalizers", who believe that change comes from within rather than from without – which means that she's working from a very limited data set to begin with.
In short, a methodologically shaky book, so please read with a grain of salt, but one with some useful morsels scattered throughout.
May 3, 2021
why i dont think you should read this book and what i think you should read instead
i bought this book without much thought as it kept being quoted by people i respect and love, but i regret doing so now. i have CPTSD (but am halfway through recovery) and this book talks of the human condition as though it is alien to this planet and only can be examined in clinical settings or by people who are literate in statistics and science. psychotherapy in session is retraumatizing for me and many like me, and this book is too. if you have read anything substantial of modern psychology and philosophy, dont read this book.
the author is quick to categorize people as Internalizers or Externalizers and goes on to outline the behaviours of said categories. she goes on to say that if youve bought this book, youre probably the former. Internalizers are, although im sure that is not the intention, written as the virtuous victims of child neglect and or abuse, whilst Externalizers are frequently described as its polar opposite. possibly to appeal to the reader, it feels a bit like a Buzzfeed article on Introverts vs Extroverts, where we all realize that we have a bit of both depending on the company in the end, but the world is built by and for Extroverts, so Introverts really have more of an uphill battle in the made up social norms of a system that relies on oppression.
early on, she describes drug addiction as an "externalizing" behaviour, which is a dangerous thing to do when you are supposed to be writing a book on the effects emotional unavailability. being what the author calls an Internalizer, who like everyone else has traits she would consider externalizing, and being a recovering addict made this a bit of a suicide cocktail of a book. she talks up a storm about the particular characteristics of people, but not what is to be done about them, only adding shameful wording to how humans cope. if i wasnt in recovery, this book would have me going after what is externalizing in my behaviour, trying to remedy it with shame. i was already doing that, convinced i was broken. shame is the antithesis to growth and what is the main problem to begin with, so utilizing it to convey to a reader how they should categorize themselves isnt going to give them much to work with in terms of getting better, getting help or healing themselves. it reminds me of the laughable notion of no ones gonna love you until you love yourself, which ignores what pack animals require for development, as though you dont deserve love if no ones loved you before. read: we are taught how to love. that does not have to just be done by our parents, and the end is not where they leave us, we can recover and be the people we were not taught to be by them. that requires both the self and the community. community is written about as a necessary evil here, more than anything else.
if you have complex trauma, i really dont recommend reading this, and even without it or an official diagnosis i still recommend that you dont. psychology has come much further than this constant narrative that places competition and friction before contemplation and acceptance. it mimics the old timey tales of we need to lock up dysfunction to ensure we can function, which has only ever lead to more pain and more abuse. this book does not offer solutions, only further roles to play.
instead i highly recommend the book Scattered minds by Gabor Maté, although it targets ADD (now known as inattentive ADHD) it explains these family systems, why they happen and what we can do, both for ourselves and our children/families to get to a better place. it is compassionate, wise and it doesnt speak of the human condition as something broken. it also acknowledges that blame and shame are both counterproductive maladaptive aspects of any parenting, whether youre reparenting yourself, or youre parenting someone else. i recommend that everyone reads it, regardless of if you have ADHD or not.
i also REALLY recommend reading the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, one of the worlds most renowned trauma specialists. this book is the reason why i am in recovery, why i no longer have flashbacks, and why ive gone from being hypervigilant every day of my life and certain that pain was my default to a safety within myself that my parents never allowed. i recommend the book Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer, for an alternative look at how humans could live, in which healing could take its time without threatening homelessness or being unable to afford food.
if youd just like an alternative to books, or in case this book made you sad like me, here is a podcast featuring van der Kolk and how he treats trauma, how it lives on, etc. this is the podcast that made me try somatic experiencing, which ultimately stopped my flashbacks altogether.
he talks over the host quite a bit, but if you can put that aside and just focus on his message, it is absolutely worth anyone and everyones time to hear. On being Podcast
be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness. we all deserve kindness; without it we cannot change. you can change, but not by constantly punishing yourself.
i bought this book without much thought as it kept being quoted by people i respect and love, but i regret doing so now. i have CPTSD (but am halfway through recovery) and this book talks of the human condition as though it is alien to this planet and only can be examined in clinical settings or by people who are literate in statistics and science. psychotherapy in session is retraumatizing for me and many like me, and this book is too. if you have read anything substantial of modern psychology and philosophy, dont read this book.
the author is quick to categorize people as Internalizers or Externalizers and goes on to outline the behaviours of said categories. she goes on to say that if youve bought this book, youre probably the former. Internalizers are, although im sure that is not the intention, written as the virtuous victims of child neglect and or abuse, whilst Externalizers are frequently described as its polar opposite. possibly to appeal to the reader, it feels a bit like a Buzzfeed article on Introverts vs Extroverts, where we all realize that we have a bit of both depending on the company in the end, but the world is built by and for Extroverts, so Introverts really have more of an uphill battle in the made up social norms of a system that relies on oppression.
early on, she describes drug addiction as an "externalizing" behaviour, which is a dangerous thing to do when you are supposed to be writing a book on the effects emotional unavailability. being what the author calls an Internalizer, who like everyone else has traits she would consider externalizing, and being a recovering addict made this a bit of a suicide cocktail of a book. she talks up a storm about the particular characteristics of people, but not what is to be done about them, only adding shameful wording to how humans cope. if i wasnt in recovery, this book would have me going after what is externalizing in my behaviour, trying to remedy it with shame. i was already doing that, convinced i was broken. shame is the antithesis to growth and what is the main problem to begin with, so utilizing it to convey to a reader how they should categorize themselves isnt going to give them much to work with in terms of getting better, getting help or healing themselves. it reminds me of the laughable notion of no ones gonna love you until you love yourself, which ignores what pack animals require for development, as though you dont deserve love if no ones loved you before. read: we are taught how to love. that does not have to just be done by our parents, and the end is not where they leave us, we can recover and be the people we were not taught to be by them. that requires both the self and the community. community is written about as a necessary evil here, more than anything else.
if you have complex trauma, i really dont recommend reading this, and even without it or an official diagnosis i still recommend that you dont. psychology has come much further than this constant narrative that places competition and friction before contemplation and acceptance. it mimics the old timey tales of we need to lock up dysfunction to ensure we can function, which has only ever lead to more pain and more abuse. this book does not offer solutions, only further roles to play.
instead i highly recommend the book Scattered minds by Gabor Maté, although it targets ADD (now known as inattentive ADHD) it explains these family systems, why they happen and what we can do, both for ourselves and our children/families to get to a better place. it is compassionate, wise and it doesnt speak of the human condition as something broken. it also acknowledges that blame and shame are both counterproductive maladaptive aspects of any parenting, whether youre reparenting yourself, or youre parenting someone else. i recommend that everyone reads it, regardless of if you have ADHD or not.
i also REALLY recommend reading the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, one of the worlds most renowned trauma specialists. this book is the reason why i am in recovery, why i no longer have flashbacks, and why ive gone from being hypervigilant every day of my life and certain that pain was my default to a safety within myself that my parents never allowed. i recommend the book Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer, for an alternative look at how humans could live, in which healing could take its time without threatening homelessness or being unable to afford food.
if youd just like an alternative to books, or in case this book made you sad like me, here is a podcast featuring van der Kolk and how he treats trauma, how it lives on, etc. this is the podcast that made me try somatic experiencing, which ultimately stopped my flashbacks altogether.
he talks over the host quite a bit, but if you can put that aside and just focus on his message, it is absolutely worth anyone and everyones time to hear. On being Podcast
be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness. we all deserve kindness; without it we cannot change. you can change, but not by constantly punishing yourself.
January 16, 2016
I wish I had read this book sooner! Finally validation that my family's repeated claim that I am "too sensitive" is more a reflection of their own emotional deficiencies than my own!
Even though I knew my parental relations were not entirely healthy, they were still my primary model for relationships and, consequently, I had unwittingly come to see some dysfunctional behaviors as normal. This book made me realize that much of what I thought was just my personality were really defense mechanisms that commonly develop in response to emotionally immature caregivers. The descriptions were so on point that I teared up a bit reading it, but that's a sensitive internalizer for you!
This book filled the much-needed role of clearly and compassionately showing what healthy behaviors I should expect in relationships and what healthy behaviors I need to work on adopting. Some of this I had discovered through life experience. I could have recognized and avoided some emotionally abusive situations if I had read this book earlier.
Even though I knew my parental relations were not entirely healthy, they were still my primary model for relationships and, consequently, I had unwittingly come to see some dysfunctional behaviors as normal. This book made me realize that much of what I thought was just my personality were really defense mechanisms that commonly develop in response to emotionally immature caregivers. The descriptions were so on point that I teared up a bit reading it, but that's a sensitive internalizer for you!
This book filled the much-needed role of clearly and compassionately showing what healthy behaviors I should expect in relationships and what healthy behaviors I need to work on adopting. Some of this I had discovered through life experience. I could have recognized and avoided some emotionally abusive situations if I had read this book earlier.
August 4, 2020
I’ve read dozens of research-based psychology books, and a large handful of self-help books (way more if you count spiritual texts), and only three stand out as hugely meaningful to my life: Mind Over Mood, Driven to Distraction, and this one.
If you were sidelined, neglected, or constantly criticized as a child, this book is for you. My copy is so marked-up, it could be a diary.
I’m a little skeptical (perhaps too much) of clinical psychologists. Unfortunately I think it’s a field that has far too much pseudoscience swept up in its mainstream, and I’m far more willing to listen to research psychologists. But Gibson (a PsyD clinical psychologist) is a strong exception. She is clear, nuanced, refers to the research, and doesn’t make sweeping statements or treat the brain as a mystical space hiding trauma in its dark corners.
Highly recommend.
If you were sidelined, neglected, or constantly criticized as a child, this book is for you. My copy is so marked-up, it could be a diary.
I’m a little skeptical (perhaps too much) of clinical psychologists. Unfortunately I think it’s a field that has far too much pseudoscience swept up in its mainstream, and I’m far more willing to listen to research psychologists. But Gibson (a PsyD clinical psychologist) is a strong exception. She is clear, nuanced, refers to the research, and doesn’t make sweeping statements or treat the brain as a mystical space hiding trauma in its dark corners.
Highly recommend.
July 20, 2017
This book has a long enough title as it is but it could also tack on..."How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Self-Involved Parents, or Parents Who Never Parented You But You've Always Parented Them and They Expect You To Do So Until the Day They Die...and Is It Me or Are They Getting Even More Infantile in Their Old Age?"
I'm guessing anyone that reads this book could slap a picture of one, both, or all of their parents into the book as the very definition of an Emotionally Immature Parent. I could, at least, because this book breaks down that there are actually four types of emotionally immature parents and just nails it: Emotional, Driven, Passive, Rejecting.
The book does a great job of distinguishing the difference between what it's like growing up with an emotionally mature vs immature parent (because if we haven't grown up with a mature parent it's hard to know what it's *supposed* to be like), the affect that has on the child and their development, the struggles and hard-wired characteristics that now grown up adult deals with, how to shake up and out of it (as best you can), how to deal with your parents in present day, and how to recognize healthy mature people, in general, so you can have healthier connections in your adult life.
It basically reads like a definition and how-to guide and I feel like I'd need to walk around with the book as a reference for the next few years.
What I took away from the book was validation of the f'ed-upness of my upbringing, clarity about *how* my parents are emotionally immature, the fact that they have absolutely no ability to be introspective and understand their behavior's impact (that's super enlightening), that your emotionally immature parents will NEVER change so it's important to give up the fantasy of having the parent you want from them, strategies for dealing with parents/emotionally immature people in present day and an understanding of "Oh crap, I have some of these characteristics myself." ::face palm::
There's a wealth of information here delivered in a well-written, broken into clear sections kind of way that allows for easier digestibility and reference.
Very good book. Recommend.
I'm guessing anyone that reads this book could slap a picture of one, both, or all of their parents into the book as the very definition of an Emotionally Immature Parent. I could, at least, because this book breaks down that there are actually four types of emotionally immature parents and just nails it: Emotional, Driven, Passive, Rejecting.
The book does a great job of distinguishing the difference between what it's like growing up with an emotionally mature vs immature parent (because if we haven't grown up with a mature parent it's hard to know what it's *supposed* to be like), the affect that has on the child and their development, the struggles and hard-wired characteristics that now grown up adult deals with, how to shake up and out of it (as best you can), how to deal with your parents in present day, and how to recognize healthy mature people, in general, so you can have healthier connections in your adult life.
It basically reads like a definition and how-to guide and I feel like I'd need to walk around with the book as a reference for the next few years.
What I took away from the book was validation of the f'ed-upness of my upbringing, clarity about *how* my parents are emotionally immature, the fact that they have absolutely no ability to be introspective and understand their behavior's impact (that's super enlightening), that your emotionally immature parents will NEVER change so it's important to give up the fantasy of having the parent you want from them, strategies for dealing with parents/emotionally immature people in present day and an understanding of "Oh crap, I have some of these characteristics myself." ::face palm::
There's a wealth of information here delivered in a well-written, broken into clear sections kind of way that allows for easier digestibility and reference.
Very good book. Recommend.
July 31, 2023
read via audiobook! i have been searching for a book on this topic for the past 2 years as, unfortunately, this subject pertains to me. this one was spot on, validating, informative and undoubtedly one of the best non-fiction/self-help books i’ve ever read.
i am a very self-aware person, have a degree in sociology, am in therapy, and understand that i am an adult child of emotionally immature parents, so naturally going into this i thought it would be filled with everything i've already heard/researched/learned on my own, in school and with my therapist. yet i learned tons, and i am so so happy that i did. some things that set this book apart compared to others of similar nature are that it discussed what may have happened to the parent to make them emotionally immature, the different ways children respond to emotionally immature parents, how to deal with emotionally immature parents after becoming aware of this, different ways to help heal from emotionally immature parents and develop emotionally mature/intelligent habits going forward. usually i find that self-help/psychology books touch on one or two of these kinds of points, but lack in demonstrating how you can implement what you learned in the book in real life. but this one covered it all!
some concepts that i learned about, that i highly recommend those in similar situations to look into are:
- the role self vs the true self
- internalizers vs externalizers
- emotional contagion
- consemptatory cheerfulness (!!!)
- family systems theory (learned about this in school but i wanted to highlight it as i think it is very valuable)
- enmeshment
i can’t recommend this enough to those who are adult children of emotionally immature parents, suffer from extreme anxiety/cptsd due to childhood, have a parent who is a narcissist, or those looking to support a loved one in one of these situations. i am really looking forward to buying a physical copy to reread, annotate, and pass on to others!
i am a very self-aware person, have a degree in sociology, am in therapy, and understand that i am an adult child of emotionally immature parents, so naturally going into this i thought it would be filled with everything i've already heard/researched/learned on my own, in school and with my therapist. yet i learned tons, and i am so so happy that i did. some things that set this book apart compared to others of similar nature are that it discussed what may have happened to the parent to make them emotionally immature, the different ways children respond to emotionally immature parents, how to deal with emotionally immature parents after becoming aware of this, different ways to help heal from emotionally immature parents and develop emotionally mature/intelligent habits going forward. usually i find that self-help/psychology books touch on one or two of these kinds of points, but lack in demonstrating how you can implement what you learned in the book in real life. but this one covered it all!
some concepts that i learned about, that i highly recommend those in similar situations to look into are:
- the role self vs the true self
- internalizers vs externalizers
- emotional contagion
- consemptatory cheerfulness (!!!)
- family systems theory (learned about this in school but i wanted to highlight it as i think it is very valuable)
- enmeshment
i can’t recommend this enough to those who are adult children of emotionally immature parents, suffer from extreme anxiety/cptsd due to childhood, have a parent who is a narcissist, or those looking to support a loved one in one of these situations. i am really looking forward to buying a physical copy to reread, annotate, and pass on to others!
August 10, 2025
This is another excellent title written by Lindsay Gibson. If you have reason to read about emotionally immature parents, you’ll find lots of information and a few helpful exercises in this book. This is not supposed to be a self-help book, unlike one of Gibson’s other titles. What helped me most understanding the nature and mechanisms at work in families with emotionally immature parents were the numerous examples she gives. This title is definitely insightful and you can easily recognise that the author is an expert on this subject. Full recommendation. 5 stars.
June 14, 2023
I felt validated, reading about the ways children are treated by their emotionally immature parents. I also, at times, felt ashamed to recognize myself as the “emotionally immature” person the author describes. Ultimately, the concept fell apart for me and lacked any kind of explanatory power. Worse, I felt it encouraged a judgmental, reductive, binary attitude, the very things the author says the “mature” person would want to avoid. It also favored a very individualistic point of view, which seemed unrealistic and possibly harmful. (On the other hand, I did like her practical comments on how to act from a more centered place when dealing with triggering family members.) Since this doesn’t seem to be a concept backed by evidence, I’ll stick with diving further into attachment theory.
EDIT: If I were to rate this book today, I’d give it at least 3 stars. In the journey from “Sure I’m hard on myself but I had a happy childhood” to “I deserved to be loved and have my needs met as a child, and because my parents didn’t do that perfectly, certain things are hard for me,” there is a very necessary stage of moving blame from your(child)self to your parents. It is important to express genuine righteous anger, and to feel validated in your feelings of sadness at having not received what you needed. This book helps readers move in that space, to see how parents’ inevitable shortcomings affect their children.
I still think this book doesn’t do enough to provide a way forward. After I rightly identify my parents’ emotional immaturity (whether past or present), what then? That space of judgment can’t last forever. It’s not satisfying for either the child or the parent. Labeling a person as “emotionally immature” brings in a power dynamic that’s hard to get over, and I think it can create a barrier to connection. Connecting people to others in deep, authentic , meaningful ways is the goal of all good therapy. For me, the literature on attachment gives the possibility of mutual understanding, without the blaming language. A book like Daniel Siegel’s The Power of Showing Up is the perfect companion piece to supplement this one.
EDIT: If I were to rate this book today, I’d give it at least 3 stars. In the journey from “Sure I’m hard on myself but I had a happy childhood” to “I deserved to be loved and have my needs met as a child, and because my parents didn’t do that perfectly, certain things are hard for me,” there is a very necessary stage of moving blame from your(child)self to your parents. It is important to express genuine righteous anger, and to feel validated in your feelings of sadness at having not received what you needed. This book helps readers move in that space, to see how parents’ inevitable shortcomings affect their children.
I still think this book doesn’t do enough to provide a way forward. After I rightly identify my parents’ emotional immaturity (whether past or present), what then? That space of judgment can’t last forever. It’s not satisfying for either the child or the parent. Labeling a person as “emotionally immature” brings in a power dynamic that’s hard to get over, and I think it can create a barrier to connection. Connecting people to others in deep, authentic , meaningful ways is the goal of all good therapy. For me, the literature on attachment gives the possibility of mutual understanding, without the blaming language. A book like Daniel Siegel’s The Power of Showing Up is the perfect companion piece to supplement this one.
May 8, 2024
In this wise and practical guide, a clinical psychologist who grew up with emotionally immature parents, provides powerful strategies to help you recognize and break free from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents and discover the invaluable gifts they can offer you as well.
I really appreciated Gibson's understanding tone and deep insight into the lives and minds of the adult children of emotionally immature parents. As I listened to the audiobook: (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents), which was narrated with understanding and warmth, I found myself much more aware of my own life and better prepared to confront my own challenges and learn to live a better adult existence.
Gibson's words felt like they had been written for me, and I am so grateful for the sense of clarity and understanding that she provided. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is the perfect place to begin if you are curious about the impact of emotional childhood neglect. Head over to Amazon to start listening to the book now!
I really appreciated Gibson's understanding tone and deep insight into the lives and minds of the adult children of emotionally immature parents. As I listened to the audiobook: (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents), which was narrated with understanding and warmth, I found myself much more aware of my own life and better prepared to confront my own challenges and learn to live a better adult existence.
Gibson's words felt like they had been written for me, and I am so grateful for the sense of clarity and understanding that she provided. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is the perfect place to begin if you are curious about the impact of emotional childhood neglect. Head over to Amazon to start listening to the book now!
March 21, 2016
Truly amazing. There's no shortage of self-help books in my house, all of which I've purchased in a feeble attempt to pinpoint that *thing* that's not quite right.
I've suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life. I've also found it very difficult to connect with anyone on more than a superficial level, and most interactions left me drained. I couldn't be myself when I interacted with anyone. I was always preoccupied with being judged than establishing a friendship based on intimate communication. That requires a level of vulnerability that, until now, has remained elusive.
I was truly surprised at how well the author was able to capture the many nuances of relationships with emotionally immature parents, and the myriad impacts that they have on their children. I know that change is going to be a process, but this book has made me feel adequately equipped to at least start the journey toward healing. And finally, FINALLY, I realize that it wasn't me after all. I'm not fundamentally flawed and unloveable.
I thank the author from the bottom of my heart for her dedication to writing this book. I hope that countless others find strength and healing in its pages.
I've suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life. I've also found it very difficult to connect with anyone on more than a superficial level, and most interactions left me drained. I couldn't be myself when I interacted with anyone. I was always preoccupied with being judged than establishing a friendship based on intimate communication. That requires a level of vulnerability that, until now, has remained elusive.
I was truly surprised at how well the author was able to capture the many nuances of relationships with emotionally immature parents, and the myriad impacts that they have on their children. I know that change is going to be a process, but this book has made me feel adequately equipped to at least start the journey toward healing. And finally, FINALLY, I realize that it wasn't me after all. I'm not fundamentally flawed and unloveable.
I thank the author from the bottom of my heart for her dedication to writing this book. I hope that countless others find strength and healing in its pages.
July 3, 2020
I found this incredibly helpful. I especially liked that she detailed both the different kinds of emotionally immature types you could encounter in parents and the the content of the two broad responses to experiencing this parenting (internalizing and externalizing). The first part really helped me because I was definitely one someone who internalized and so I had the “but maybe my parent wasn’t immature enough for me to complain about” thought and resisted reading this at first. It made me feel bad- until I read the categories. Hearing about the different ways internalizing and externalizing can manifest also helped me make sense of some of their behaviors- as we know, parents inherit a lot of how they raise their kids from their own parents and pass on a lot of their own unresolved traumas. If you’re pretty sure your emotionally immature parent(s) also had emotionally immature parents you’ll find a ton that makes sense here. I also saw a lot of behaviors that I, unfortunately, also act out. That emotional immaturity was passed down to me in a whole new way as I struggled to find coping mechanisms to deal with it. The book is great about giving you strategies to deal with your emotionally immature parent that I totally intend to use, but I wish it also have resources for those of us who have realized we also have some of those marks of emotional immaturity because of what was modeled for us or how we coped with it. How do we ensure we don’t pass it down again? How do we change? I wish she had added that. I also feel like she set REALLY high expectations for what emotionally mature people are like in that last chapter. I guess she was just covering all her bases but it did kind of make it seem like no one could possibly be 1000% emotionally mature. But I guess it’s one of those if you’re batting 8 out of 10 you’re still ok type things? I hope? I feel like that’s something I could do- even if my parent never will. But other than that I found this book had a clear, kind, firm voice that used advice, research and anecdotes you could recognize yourself in to explain its points. It does not allow you delusions, which I super needed (see the part about “healing fantasies”) but also doesn’t berate you with them or make you feel stupid for not seeing it before. Some things will never change. The focus is how to deal with it in a sustainable way that doesn’t damage you further.
November 21, 2024
The initial obstacle to overcome for the adult child of an immature parent is acknowledging that you had one. This is a lot harder than it sounds. Parents set the standards we live our lives by, and if you have a parent who tells you emotions are a sign of weakness, stupidity, and inferiority, chances are you're going to grow up viewing this as a mature position to take on the matter. It's probably not until you get a little distance from the parent in question that you begin to realize how intensely emotional this adult actually is - and how what you've been hearing all these years is, in essence, "I get to have emotions. You don't." This would be just about the time the truth starts dawning.
Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist who has treated a number of clients confronting this parental dilemma. Her account contains several brief vignettes from her session-work that help to illustrate the damage done and the path to recovery. There's wisdom here, and direction offered in a patient and genuinely reflective tone.
Mature people take on the emotional work in relationships automatically because they live in a state of empathy and self-awareness. It's impossible for them to overlook the fact that someone they care about is having a hard time. Doing this work allows them to successfully navigate all kinds of interpersonal situations without stepping on other people's toes. Both at work and at home, emotional labor promotes goodwill and good relationships.
Emotionally immature people, on the other hand, often take pride in their lack of this skill. They rationalize their impulsive and insensitive responses with excuses like "I'm just saying what I think" or "I can't change who I am." If you confront them with the fact that not saying everything you think is a sign of good sense or that people can't mature without changing who they are, they will probably respond with anger or by dismissing you as ridiculous.
The book is a great introduction to this difficult dynamic and offers a fair amount of guidance that can be implemented immediately.
Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist who has treated a number of clients confronting this parental dilemma. Her account contains several brief vignettes from her session-work that help to illustrate the damage done and the path to recovery. There's wisdom here, and direction offered in a patient and genuinely reflective tone.
Mature people take on the emotional work in relationships automatically because they live in a state of empathy and self-awareness. It's impossible for them to overlook the fact that someone they care about is having a hard time. Doing this work allows them to successfully navigate all kinds of interpersonal situations without stepping on other people's toes. Both at work and at home, emotional labor promotes goodwill and good relationships.
Emotionally immature people, on the other hand, often take pride in their lack of this skill. They rationalize their impulsive and insensitive responses with excuses like "I'm just saying what I think" or "I can't change who I am." If you confront them with the fact that not saying everything you think is a sign of good sense or that people can't mature without changing who they are, they will probably respond with anger or by dismissing you as ridiculous.
The book is a great introduction to this difficult dynamic and offers a fair amount of guidance that can be implemented immediately.
April 30, 2025
Not worth the paper it's printed on.
Reviewed in the United States on May 31, 2020
Book Review
Negative 1 stars
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
"Not worth the paper it's printed on."
**************
I picked up this book at the behest of my sister.
(She and I grew up in the same house with two damaged parents: One of them grew up in a destitute household and was a heroin addict for several decades and up until the end of his life. The other grew up rejected by her father and as a stepchild with two lighter-skinned siblings that were treated better.)
Even from the beginning, this author started off on the wrong foot with this me.
-The first red flag is that this book is published on a no-name label. And that's a bad sign, because when authors have something to say then they can usually get it said with a more reputable publishing house.
-The second red flag is that this doesn't appear to be that well-researched of a book. I count 36 references (including one from the Dalai Lama) , and only about 5 of them to peer-reviewed journals. The rest are all books (which may or MAY NOT have something to say, and are NOT subject to any type of peer review).
All are referenced to embedded notes, and almost none of them point directly to a page in these books (that may or may not have been of impact).
-The third red flag is that I have some questions about the author's background. As I look on her biography page, she notes that she changed majors 3 times in undergraduate and then she took *one* course in Developmental Psychology at the end. That led to a MS, and a Psy.D in between two different institutions. (It helps *none* that Psychology is one of those disciplines where diagnoses just vanish because people all of a sudden stop believing in them.)
There is no mention of the author having built her own successful family. (It makes me feel the way that I would about taking piano/composition lessons from a teacher who doesn't actually play: You can be a great pianist/composer without much theory, but a broad theory background does not make you a great pianist/composer.)
It has been observed more than one time that people who have their own mental issues spend their lives trying to solve those of others.
-The fourth red flag is that I just don't see where is the author's empirical component. Of course, there were these people called Freudian psychologists who could write books that were copiously sourced--even though there is no connection to empirical data. But, I wouldn't have a problem if this author had some type of quantitative model that she was developing sui generis.
She doesn't.
*******
Gibson tries to sell us on this ipse dixit notion of "emotionally immature" parents. (She *finally* gets around to trying to define it about 28 pages into the book. Not too well, as it happened.)
But, the questions I have are......
1. If somebody cannot develop because they never were in a position to do so.... Is it fair to call them "immature?" (My own father had 5 brothers and 1 sister and shared a house with another family that had 10 children.)
2. How can you give what you don't have? If you never had a chance to develop yourself growing up (because you were too worried about where that next crust of bread would come from), how do you try to teach your children what you don't know?
3. Some parents don't have emotional closeness, but other people go to the other extreme and develop relationships with their children that are so close that they enable the child's failure-to-launch. (Seen it many times.) Where to draw the line? How to differentiate?
4. Is there a genetic aspect to any of this? I just finished reading a pretty decent book by Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas (Know Your Child) about their 32 year longitudinal study of children developing into adults.
The bottom line is that much of people's personality traits are genetic.
And so this brings a restatement of the second question: If somebody is just genetically neurotic / with a poor personality, does it make any more sense to call them "immature" than it does to call somebody with hypothyroid "lazy"?
5. Okay, so you have determined that your parents were not perfect.
So now what?
Is it the first time that Imperfect Parents has happened?
Is there still no reason for you to recover the time that you have left with something that is important to you?
******
Verdict: I'm not going to be able to recommend this book as anything other than kindling for the barbecue pit.
My sister and I were raised in the same house by the same two damaged people, and we have both taken very different strategies to optimize the time that's left.
Mine:
1. Build my own family;
2. Understand that sunk costs are sunk and the clutching hand of time cannot be pried loose;
3. Be aware of the things that my own parents did wrong so that I don't make the same mistakes (there's absolutely NO EXCUSE for not learning from the bad experiences that you may have had);
4. Live around a community of people (Orthodox Jews in my case) that have a lot of family experience and positive examples of healthy living as well as what NOT to do.
5. Focus on getting as much as can be had out of the time that is left. And that's because the only possible final result is senescence and death--whether you solve this problem or not.
6. Decide by trial-and-error the appropriate distance between you and the parents. (The relationship may not be repairable, and it may not be worth it to pitch good time after bad.)
Her strategy:
1. Don't build a family (no husband or children);
2. Keep dwelling on the Irrevocable Past/Beating On Old Graves;
3. Keep trying to find meaning in solving Other People's Problems (first as a Peace Corps Volunteer and later in development work in 3rd world countries).
And yet this book makes sense to her!
It's *precisely* the fact that a book like this makes sense to her that is the most profound evidence that it is wrong.
I Read 50 pages, and that is time that I cannot get back.
But (again): sunk costs are sunk.
NOT recommended even at the price of $0.01.
the only way that I would read this book is if somebody paid me about $100 to read it. ($25 for each of 4 hours.)
Reviewed in the United States on May 31, 2020
Book Review
Negative 1 stars
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
"Not worth the paper it's printed on."
**************
I picked up this book at the behest of my sister.
(She and I grew up in the same house with two damaged parents: One of them grew up in a destitute household and was a heroin addict for several decades and up until the end of his life. The other grew up rejected by her father and as a stepchild with two lighter-skinned siblings that were treated better.)
Even from the beginning, this author started off on the wrong foot with this me.
-The first red flag is that this book is published on a no-name label. And that's a bad sign, because when authors have something to say then they can usually get it said with a more reputable publishing house.
-The second red flag is that this doesn't appear to be that well-researched of a book. I count 36 references (including one from the Dalai Lama) , and only about 5 of them to peer-reviewed journals. The rest are all books (which may or MAY NOT have something to say, and are NOT subject to any type of peer review).
All are referenced to embedded notes, and almost none of them point directly to a page in these books (that may or may not have been of impact).
-The third red flag is that I have some questions about the author's background. As I look on her biography page, she notes that she changed majors 3 times in undergraduate and then she took *one* course in Developmental Psychology at the end. That led to a MS, and a Psy.D in between two different institutions. (It helps *none* that Psychology is one of those disciplines where diagnoses just vanish because people all of a sudden stop believing in them.)
There is no mention of the author having built her own successful family. (It makes me feel the way that I would about taking piano/composition lessons from a teacher who doesn't actually play: You can be a great pianist/composer without much theory, but a broad theory background does not make you a great pianist/composer.)
It has been observed more than one time that people who have their own mental issues spend their lives trying to solve those of others.
-The fourth red flag is that I just don't see where is the author's empirical component. Of course, there were these people called Freudian psychologists who could write books that were copiously sourced--even though there is no connection to empirical data. But, I wouldn't have a problem if this author had some type of quantitative model that she was developing sui generis.
She doesn't.
*******
Gibson tries to sell us on this ipse dixit notion of "emotionally immature" parents. (She *finally* gets around to trying to define it about 28 pages into the book. Not too well, as it happened.)
But, the questions I have are......
1. If somebody cannot develop because they never were in a position to do so.... Is it fair to call them "immature?" (My own father had 5 brothers and 1 sister and shared a house with another family that had 10 children.)
2. How can you give what you don't have? If you never had a chance to develop yourself growing up (because you were too worried about where that next crust of bread would come from), how do you try to teach your children what you don't know?
3. Some parents don't have emotional closeness, but other people go to the other extreme and develop relationships with their children that are so close that they enable the child's failure-to-launch. (Seen it many times.) Where to draw the line? How to differentiate?
4. Is there a genetic aspect to any of this? I just finished reading a pretty decent book by Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas (Know Your Child) about their 32 year longitudinal study of children developing into adults.
The bottom line is that much of people's personality traits are genetic.
And so this brings a restatement of the second question: If somebody is just genetically neurotic / with a poor personality, does it make any more sense to call them "immature" than it does to call somebody with hypothyroid "lazy"?
5. Okay, so you have determined that your parents were not perfect.
So now what?
Is it the first time that Imperfect Parents has happened?
Is there still no reason for you to recover the time that you have left with something that is important to you?
******
Verdict: I'm not going to be able to recommend this book as anything other than kindling for the barbecue pit.
My sister and I were raised in the same house by the same two damaged people, and we have both taken very different strategies to optimize the time that's left.
Mine:
1. Build my own family;
2. Understand that sunk costs are sunk and the clutching hand of time cannot be pried loose;
3. Be aware of the things that my own parents did wrong so that I don't make the same mistakes (there's absolutely NO EXCUSE for not learning from the bad experiences that you may have had);
4. Live around a community of people (Orthodox Jews in my case) that have a lot of family experience and positive examples of healthy living as well as what NOT to do.
5. Focus on getting as much as can be had out of the time that is left. And that's because the only possible final result is senescence and death--whether you solve this problem or not.
6. Decide by trial-and-error the appropriate distance between you and the parents. (The relationship may not be repairable, and it may not be worth it to pitch good time after bad.)
Her strategy:
1. Don't build a family (no husband or children);
2. Keep dwelling on the Irrevocable Past/Beating On Old Graves;
3. Keep trying to find meaning in solving Other People's Problems (first as a Peace Corps Volunteer and later in development work in 3rd world countries).
And yet this book makes sense to her!
It's *precisely* the fact that a book like this makes sense to her that is the most profound evidence that it is wrong.
I Read 50 pages, and that is time that I cannot get back.
But (again): sunk costs are sunk.
NOT recommended even at the price of $0.01.
the only way that I would read this book is if somebody paid me about $100 to read it. ($25 for each of 4 hours.)
May 27, 2022
dnf @154
2.5 stars ig
Really disliked the overly-vague and incessantly-pathologizing attitude of the author. At the risk of sounding "immature" this book just spent most of its time telling people the 1001 ways that their every micro behavior is bad actually.
Not a parent myself, but I picked it up as a way to vent my frustrations with my own parents, yet I felt like that book was more about me than them.
And that's the problem! Everything is so vague and generic that you'd be able to find any slight quirk or behavior that you dislike in here. Whether it's you, your parents, your sibling, relatives, your SO, your best friend, you exes, that weird 5th grade teacher, everyone is included...
Every behavior is a reaction to childhood neglect or mistreatment and your entire personality is shaped by trauma basically...just make sure to not specify what kind of trauma because then it wouldn't be relatable.
Genuinely disappointed...
p.s. I understand that this book describes the behaviors of "emotionally immature" parents, but lots of these behaviors can be seen in autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people, and they're not always harmful. The negative attitude of the author is really off-putting.
2.5 stars ig
Really disliked the overly-vague and incessantly-pathologizing attitude of the author. At the risk of sounding "immature" this book just spent most of its time telling people the 1001 ways that their every micro behavior is bad actually.
Not a parent myself, but I picked it up as a way to vent my frustrations with my own parents, yet I felt like that book was more about me than them.
And that's the problem! Everything is so vague and generic that you'd be able to find any slight quirk or behavior that you dislike in here. Whether it's you, your parents, your sibling, relatives, your SO, your best friend, you exes, that weird 5th grade teacher, everyone is included...
Every behavior is a reaction to childhood neglect or mistreatment and your entire personality is shaped by trauma basically...just make sure to not specify what kind of trauma because then it wouldn't be relatable.
Genuinely disappointed...
p.s. I understand that this book describes the behaviors of "emotionally immature" parents, but lots of these behaviors can be seen in autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people, and they're not always harmful. The negative attitude of the author is really off-putting.
April 30, 2023
Книжка, яку я однозначно можу рекомендувати!
Але, якщо відгук - це про власний досвід, то я особисто нічого цією книгою не "вилікувала", бо виявилось, що мені за ліками не у цю книжку.
Це не означає, що книга - кепська. Книжка крута!
Більш того, я б хотіла прочитати її років десять тому. Тоді мій би шлях до "зцілення" був менш тернистим та важким.
В книзі багато прикладів, описів, пояснень. І можливо, не все стане вам в нагоді. Я навіть думаю, що це не та книжка, яку треба читати лінійно - від обладинки і аж до кінця. Мені видається, що більш помічним буде читати ті розділи, які видаються вам актуальними. І так, ця книжка цілком може бути на полиці "під рукою", серед тих книжок, до яких всерівно час від часу тягнеться рука. Вона дійсно хороша і помічна.
Від походу до психотератевта вас не звільнить, але трохи тарганів в голові поганяє.
Але, якщо відгук - це про власний досвід, то я особисто нічого цією книгою не "вилікувала", бо виявилось, що мені за ліками не у цю книжку.
Це не означає, що книга - кепська. Книжка крута!
Більш того, я б хотіла прочитати її років десять тому. Тоді мій би шлях до "зцілення" був менш тернистим та важким.
В книзі багато прикладів, описів, пояснень. І можливо, не все стане вам в нагоді. Я навіть думаю, що це не та книжка, яку треба читати лінійно - від обладинки і аж до кінця. Мені видається, що більш помічним буде читати ті розділи, які видаються вам актуальними. І так, ця книжка цілком може бути на полиці "під рукою", серед тих книжок, до яких всерівно час від часу тягнеться рука. Вона дійсно хороша і помічна.
Від походу до психотератевта вас не звільнить, але трохи тарганів в голові поганяє.
November 15, 2023
It's encouraging that this book exists. I think a lot of the time we convince ourselves that we are the only ones being dragged up by children while everyone else is growing up in a nuclear family but actually there's a whole generation of us.
While I read a fair bit of nonfiction, I'm not a fan of this format. I prefer a narrative style as I find it more engaging. However, I appreciate with this topic, that format probably wouldn't have worked.
The writing style here is very dry and feels very academic. That said, the case studies and examples did hold my attention, probably because it felt more like a story.
I would listen to a podcast or a TED talk on this subject and I think that's where I head next.
I don't want to put anyone off this book, I did takeaway a lot from it but at times it felt like a struggle, and it took me a long time to get through because this isn't a format that engages me.
While I read a fair bit of nonfiction, I'm not a fan of this format. I prefer a narrative style as I find it more engaging. However, I appreciate with this topic, that format probably wouldn't have worked.
The writing style here is very dry and feels very academic. That said, the case studies and examples did hold my attention, probably because it felt more like a story.
I would listen to a podcast or a TED talk on this subject and I think that's where I head next.
I don't want to put anyone off this book, I did takeaway a lot from it but at times it felt like a struggle, and it took me a long time to get through because this isn't a format that engages me.
February 24, 2021
I found this book to be extremely helpful for my life. Currently, I'm in a position where I'm re-evaluating relationships that have failed and identifying why.
As the books says, it's common to find parents that fulfill your physical and financial needs without fulfilling your emotional needs. From a child's perspective, there can be tendency to envision your parents almost as Gods and infallible or that their loving qualities are being intentionally withheld from you. There can also be a belief that your own behavior will make them change. Whether it's through trying to help, listen, console, or beg for attention, there was a part of you that believed that you would eventually be shown the attention you were providing them or have your needs met.
This book gives the hard truth that a lot of people struggle with: it's likely that your parents are people who haven't healed their own emotional issues, can't offer you closeness or even show genuine emotional interest for who you are as a person. Their relationship with you is defined by their emotional scars. Whether this comes in the form of temper tantrums, rejecting you / showing you distance, letting someone else control them, losing track of time and consistency in their relationships -- they cannot and maybe even will not ever show you that close parent-child relationship.
I liked that this book was written in an objective way. This book isn't intended to teach you that you are right and they are bad people. It isn't intended for pointing fingers. This book tells you the truth: sometimes your parents haven't healed and they take it out on their kids and everyone else around them. This book will help you comes to terms with this. A lot of times with people like this, if you are close, it's more an enmeshment (you feeling as though you have to take care of your parent rather than the other way around). Every time you approach the relationship functioning from your inner child and with the expectation that if you did something differently, they will become the parent you want - you're going to feel disappointed every time.
Basically every time you change yourself to fit your parent's expectations by helping out with their kids, walking on eggshells, becoming more of what they want rather than who you are -- all these behaviors are self-defeating. You're setting yourself up to fail in other relationships in the long-run because you're accustomed to overvaluing someone else's perceptions rather than your own. Eventually, you will feel your inner voice creeping on you and telling you that something feels wrong with these learned behaviors that you have picked up.
This book basically provides long explanations of how a parent is an emotionally immature person, how you should let go of the dream of finally changing them, and how to stay objective and keep a relationship with them without expecting an emotionally fulfilling relationship back. It provides a good outline for other emotionally immature people, being mindful of people's maturity level before you get engaged about what you can expect from them, and suggests being objective as possible with people like this.
This book helped me understand friendships and relationships overall. It taught me where I learned to value other people more than myself, why I was doing this behavior, and how to make better decisions about who to have relationships with. It teaches you how to identify emotionally immature people and to keep your perception open for emotionally mature people that can reciprocate. By choosing emotionally immature people as friends or partners, it's likely that you're setting yourself up for failure because they tend to externalize themselves and their problems. People like this aren't likely to learn from mistakes and are more likely to repeat mistakes rather than learn from them. They tend not to self-reflect because they think that answers / circumstances to heal are outside of themselves.
You will know if you are dealing with an emotionally immature person if:
1. They are narrow-minded (once they have an opinion, they've made up their mind)
2. Doesn't deal with stress well
3. Have problems admitting mistakes, discount facts, blame other people
4. Expect other people to soothe them by doing what they want
5. Make decisions based on what feels good in the moment
6. Subjectively analyze things (based on how they feel rather than what is actually happening)
7. Egocentric without joy or openness (more from the perspective of insecurity and pain)
8. Likes to be the center of attention
9. Have intense but shallow emotions
10. Have low empathy / are emotionally insensitive (have a good ability to read other people's intentions and feelings but are superficially sentimental at most)
I've had both friendships and partners that resemble these traits and I understand why they were drawn to me. As more of an internalizer personality, I gave them a way to calm their stress down and make them feel like the center of attention. However when people are like this, they don't learn to self-reflect or consider how their actions / lifestyle contributed to their problems. Unfortunately being accommodating to people like this can be learned behavior from managing your parents with these same types of behaviors.
The point of this book is to let go of the dream that your parents or anyone in your life will change because you want them to. Be discerning of people and keep an eye out for people that can provide emotionally happy and reciprocal relationships rather than repeating learned behavior.
As the books says, it's common to find parents that fulfill your physical and financial needs without fulfilling your emotional needs. From a child's perspective, there can be tendency to envision your parents almost as Gods and infallible or that their loving qualities are being intentionally withheld from you. There can also be a belief that your own behavior will make them change. Whether it's through trying to help, listen, console, or beg for attention, there was a part of you that believed that you would eventually be shown the attention you were providing them or have your needs met.
This book gives the hard truth that a lot of people struggle with: it's likely that your parents are people who haven't healed their own emotional issues, can't offer you closeness or even show genuine emotional interest for who you are as a person. Their relationship with you is defined by their emotional scars. Whether this comes in the form of temper tantrums, rejecting you / showing you distance, letting someone else control them, losing track of time and consistency in their relationships -- they cannot and maybe even will not ever show you that close parent-child relationship.
I liked that this book was written in an objective way. This book isn't intended to teach you that you are right and they are bad people. It isn't intended for pointing fingers. This book tells you the truth: sometimes your parents haven't healed and they take it out on their kids and everyone else around them. This book will help you comes to terms with this. A lot of times with people like this, if you are close, it's more an enmeshment (you feeling as though you have to take care of your parent rather than the other way around). Every time you approach the relationship functioning from your inner child and with the expectation that if you did something differently, they will become the parent you want - you're going to feel disappointed every time.
Basically every time you change yourself to fit your parent's expectations by helping out with their kids, walking on eggshells, becoming more of what they want rather than who you are -- all these behaviors are self-defeating. You're setting yourself up to fail in other relationships in the long-run because you're accustomed to overvaluing someone else's perceptions rather than your own. Eventually, you will feel your inner voice creeping on you and telling you that something feels wrong with these learned behaviors that you have picked up.
This book basically provides long explanations of how a parent is an emotionally immature person, how you should let go of the dream of finally changing them, and how to stay objective and keep a relationship with them without expecting an emotionally fulfilling relationship back. It provides a good outline for other emotionally immature people, being mindful of people's maturity level before you get engaged about what you can expect from them, and suggests being objective as possible with people like this.
This book helped me understand friendships and relationships overall. It taught me where I learned to value other people more than myself, why I was doing this behavior, and how to make better decisions about who to have relationships with. It teaches you how to identify emotionally immature people and to keep your perception open for emotionally mature people that can reciprocate. By choosing emotionally immature people as friends or partners, it's likely that you're setting yourself up for failure because they tend to externalize themselves and their problems. People like this aren't likely to learn from mistakes and are more likely to repeat mistakes rather than learn from them. They tend not to self-reflect because they think that answers / circumstances to heal are outside of themselves.
You will know if you are dealing with an emotionally immature person if:
1. They are narrow-minded (once they have an opinion, they've made up their mind)
2. Doesn't deal with stress well
3. Have problems admitting mistakes, discount facts, blame other people
4. Expect other people to soothe them by doing what they want
5. Make decisions based on what feels good in the moment
6. Subjectively analyze things (based on how they feel rather than what is actually happening)
7. Egocentric without joy or openness (more from the perspective of insecurity and pain)
8. Likes to be the center of attention
9. Have intense but shallow emotions
10. Have low empathy / are emotionally insensitive (have a good ability to read other people's intentions and feelings but are superficially sentimental at most)
I've had both friendships and partners that resemble these traits and I understand why they were drawn to me. As more of an internalizer personality, I gave them a way to calm their stress down and make them feel like the center of attention. However when people are like this, they don't learn to self-reflect or consider how their actions / lifestyle contributed to their problems. Unfortunately being accommodating to people like this can be learned behavior from managing your parents with these same types of behaviors.
The point of this book is to let go of the dream that your parents or anyone in your life will change because you want them to. Be discerning of people and keep an eye out for people that can provide emotionally happy and reciprocal relationships rather than repeating learned behavior.
August 20, 2020
خوب من از همین الان حدس میزنم با توجه به رمان نبودن و ناشناخته بودن این کتاب، این رویو زیاد خونده نشه!
ولی عیب نداره حتی اگه یک نفر این متن رو ببینه و تصمیم بگیره این کتابو بخونه یا به دست یکی که لازم داره برسونه، من به هدفم رسیدم!
لینک دانلود: https://b-ok.cc/dl/2739029/6eb0a4
...
این کتاب واسه سه دسته از آدم ها "بیشتر" مفیده.
کتاب در رابطه با فرزاندان والدینی هستش که به بلوغ عاطفی نرسیدن. یعنی چی؟
ویژگی بارز این والدین اینه که هرچقدر هم تلاش کنی نمیتونی باهاشون به اون صمیمت یا نزدیکی که لازمه برسه. این افراد به عنوان والد، فراهم کردن خونه و خوراک و این نیاز های مادی رو وظیفه ی اصلی خودشون میدونن و اتفاقا خیلی هاشونم از این حیث کم نمیذارن. ولی نوبت به نیازهای احساسی و عاطفی که میرسه، توجهی به فرزندشون ندارن.
ریشه ی این رفتارشون چیه؟ اینا معمولا توی خانواده هایی بزرگ شدن که بهشون اجازه ی بروز احساست طبیعی انسانی مثل: خوشحالی و غم داده نمیشده! که به نظر من و طبق دیده هام، تعداد زیادی از خانواده های ایرانی رو شامل میشه!
خوب پس این کتاب اول از همه واسه کسایی خوبه که با همچین والدینی بزرگ شدن.
گروه دومی که این کتابو بهشون توصیه میکنم کساییه که خودشون هیچ وقت نتونستن اون نزدیکی عاطفی لازم رو با بقیه به دست بیارن. اینجا باید ببینن مشکل از خودشونه یا کسایی که باهاشون سر و کار داشتن مشکل داشتن!
دسته ی سوم، کسایین که میخوان در آینده بچه بیارن یا به فرزندی بگیرن و اینو توی افق زندگیشون ، هرچقدرم بلند مدت میبینن.
این کتاب نشون میده اثر تربیت شما تا چند نسل دیگه میتونه خودشو نشون بده و اگه شما بچه ات رو از نظر احساسی سرکوب کنی، چه بسا نوه هات هم دچار مشکل بشن! پس اگه از کسی رو میشناسین که به عمق جدی بودن فرزندآوری و تربیت اونا نرسیده، این کتابو بکنین تو آستینش! (اجازه دارم بگم به نظر بنده اینجور آدمها معمولا کمتر کتاب میخونن یا چی؟)
......
نکات مثبت این کتاب
* نویسنده ی کتاب دکترای روانشناسی داره و سالهاست تمرکزشو گذاشته روی این موضوع. پس آدمی نیست که یک شبه معروف و جوگیر شده باشه و بخواد کلی شعار رو بکنه تو چشمتون.
* به خاطر مورد قبل، وسط توضیحاتش از کیس های تراپی و مشاوره اش مثال میزنه که باعث میشه موضوع روشن تر بشه. که اگه حرفاش براتون روشن بوده باشه میتونین ازشون رد شین - کاری که من می کردم.
* کتاب دسته بندی های روشن و شفافی داره. خود این والدین رو به 4 دسته ی اصلی تقسیم میکنه و ویژگی هر کدومو میگه. یا میگه فرزندان اینا به دو دسته ی کلی -که نمیدونم چی ترجمه شون کنم!- تقسیم میشن.
* قطرش اون قدر نیست که حوصله تون سر بره و یک راست رفته سراغ اصل مطلب!
* واسه کنار اومدن با این افراد راهکار میده. میگه باید از بندشون بیاین بیرون، هرچقدر هم دلتون براشون بسوزه و هرچقدر هم به نظرتون تنها باشن باید خودتون رو ازشون جدا کنین. توی فصل آخر هم میگه: فرزندان، به خاطر ویژگی های والدشون در ادامه ی زندگیشون هم تمایل دارن به سمت دوستان یا شریک زندگی با ویژگی های مشابه جذب بشن. پس راه حل میده که چجوری این افراد رو تشخیص بدن و به جاش وارد رابطه با افرادی که به بلوغ رسیدن بشن.
.......
در آخر من توی زندگیم با آدمهایی روبه رو شدم که حس میکردم یک جای کارشون میلنگه چون هر چقدر هم انرژی میذارم و تلاش میکنم نمیتونیم به یک تفاهم زبانی برسیم و همیشه از حرفهام یک برداشت دیگه میشه! ولی نمیدونستم چرا و دقیقا چی بهشون میگن! الان فهمیدم!
ولی عیب نداره حتی اگه یک نفر این متن رو ببینه و تصمیم بگیره این کتابو بخونه یا به دست یکی که لازم داره برسونه، من به هدفم رسیدم!
لینک دانلود: https://b-ok.cc/dl/2739029/6eb0a4
...
این کتاب واسه سه دسته از آدم ها "بیشتر" مفیده.
کتاب در رابطه با فرزاندان والدینی هستش که به بلوغ عاطفی نرسیدن. یعنی چی؟
ویژگی بارز این والدین اینه که هرچقدر هم تلاش کنی نمیتونی باهاشون به اون صمیمت یا نزدیکی که لازمه برسه. این افراد به عنوان والد، فراهم کردن خونه و خوراک و این نیاز های مادی رو وظیفه ی اصلی خودشون میدونن و اتفاقا خیلی هاشونم از این حیث کم نمیذارن. ولی نوبت به نیازهای احساسی و عاطفی که میرسه، توجهی به فرزندشون ندارن.
ریشه ی این رفتارشون چیه؟ اینا معمولا توی خانواده هایی بزرگ شدن که بهشون اجازه ی بروز احساست طبیعی انسانی مثل: خوشحالی و غم داده نمیشده! که به نظر من و طبق دیده هام، تعداد زیادی از خانواده های ایرانی رو شامل میشه!
خوب پس این کتاب اول از همه واسه کسایی خوبه که با همچین والدینی بزرگ شدن.
گروه دومی که این کتابو بهشون توصیه میکنم کساییه که خودشون هیچ وقت نتونستن اون نزدیکی عاطفی لازم رو با بقیه به دست بیارن. اینجا باید ببینن مشکل از خودشونه یا کسایی که باهاشون سر و کار داشتن مشکل داشتن!
دسته ی سوم، کسایین که میخوان در آینده بچه بیارن یا به فرزندی بگیرن و اینو توی افق زندگیشون ، هرچقدرم بلند مدت میبینن.
این کتاب نشون میده اثر تربیت شما تا چند نسل دیگه میتونه خودشو نشون بده و اگه شما بچه ات رو از نظر احساسی سرکوب کنی، چه بسا نوه هات هم دچار مشکل بشن! پس اگه از کسی رو میشناسین که به عمق جدی بودن فرزندآوری و تربیت اونا نرسیده، این کتابو بکنین تو آستینش! (اجازه دارم بگم به نظر بنده اینجور آدمها معمولا کمتر کتاب میخونن یا چی؟)
......
نکات مثبت این کتاب
* نویسنده ی کتاب دکترای روانشناسی داره و سالهاست تمرکزشو گذاشته روی این موضوع. پس آدمی نیست که یک شبه معروف و جوگیر شده باشه و بخواد کلی شعار رو بکنه تو چشمتون.
* به خاطر مورد قبل، وسط توضیحاتش از کیس های تراپی و مشاوره اش مثال میزنه که باعث میشه موضوع روشن تر بشه. که اگه حرفاش براتون روشن بوده باشه میتونین ازشون رد شین - کاری که من می کردم.
* کتاب دسته بندی های روشن و شفافی داره. خود این والدین رو به 4 دسته ی اصلی تقسیم میکنه و ویژگی هر کدومو میگه. یا میگه فرزندان اینا به دو دسته ی کلی -که نمیدونم چی ترجمه شون کنم!- تقسیم میشن.
* قطرش اون قدر نیست که حوصله تون سر بره و یک راست رفته سراغ اصل مطلب!
* واسه کنار اومدن با این افراد راهکار میده. میگه باید از بندشون بیاین بیرون، هرچقدر هم دلتون براشون بسوزه و هرچقدر هم به نظرتون تنها باشن باید خودتون رو ازشون جدا کنین. توی فصل آخر هم میگه: فرزندان، به خاطر ویژگی های والدشون در ادامه ی زندگیشون هم تمایل دارن به سمت دوستان یا شریک زندگی با ویژگی های مشابه جذب بشن. پس راه حل میده که چجوری این افراد رو تشخیص بدن و به جاش وارد رابطه با افرادی که به بلوغ رسیدن بشن.
.......
در آخر من توی زندگیم با آدمهایی روبه رو شدم که حس میکردم یک جای کارشون میلنگه چون هر چقدر هم انرژی میذارم و تلاش میکنم نمیتونیم به یک تفاهم زبانی برسیم و همیشه از حرفهام یک برداشت دیگه میشه! ولی نمیدونستم چرا و دقیقا چی بهشون میگن! الان فهمیدم!
January 22, 2021
Several important points to make about this book:
1) it is useful in helping people identify abusive behavior and can offer validation to people who have been gaslit by either their parents, family, or themselves.
However, (and this is a large however)
2) the author uses overly simplistic terms to "classify" children into just two types of responses to emotionally immature parents--completely diminishing the complexity of emotional responses to abuse and trauma.
3) A false dichotomy is drawn between "internalizers" and "externalizers" and is not only oversimplified but potentially retraumatizing and triggering. The author expresses tremendous sympathy for the "internalizer" and completely vilifies the "externalizer" by drawing a parallel between the child and the abusive parent (claiming that most emotionally immature parents are also externalizers) and claims they are mostly incapable of growth and reflection and will never change. Meanwhile, the "internalizer" is capable of boundless growth and maturity. Whatever kindness or understanding is offered to these children who externalize, is quickly glossed over and treated as an addendum rather than an integral component of her theory, unlike the portrayal of the internalizer.
4) What's more, the author introduces these concepts by claiming that these two different responses to emotionally immature parents are beyond the conscious control of the child and have more to do with intrinsic character & personality traits. This is extremely problematic because she goes on to sympathize with one and demonize the other, suggesting that there is inherent goodness in one, and badness in the other. She describes the internalizers as "easy" children while externalizers were more prone to behavioral problems, which is true according to her metric however broad it may be. She even points out that emotionally immature parents often choose favorites, gravitating towards the easy child, while projecting their own insecurities on to the other child--this is also correct. However, she completely misses an opportunity to empathize with externalizers on the impact of always being treated as "the bad child" and a problem to be dealt with. If you were someone who grew up with siblings and some were favored while others admonished, this book may be very triggering and actually cause more harm than good.
My suggestion? If you are able to, find an actual therapist to speak to instead of self-diagnosing yourself and others with self-help books that mostly offer ways to label yourself and other people. The biased and unbalanced perspective, along with the many blindspots, outweigh any insights this book offers on emotionally immature parents and the adults who grew up with them and need to heal from this trauma.
1) it is useful in helping people identify abusive behavior and can offer validation to people who have been gaslit by either their parents, family, or themselves.
However, (and this is a large however)
2) the author uses overly simplistic terms to "classify" children into just two types of responses to emotionally immature parents--completely diminishing the complexity of emotional responses to abuse and trauma.
3) A false dichotomy is drawn between "internalizers" and "externalizers" and is not only oversimplified but potentially retraumatizing and triggering. The author expresses tremendous sympathy for the "internalizer" and completely vilifies the "externalizer" by drawing a parallel between the child and the abusive parent (claiming that most emotionally immature parents are also externalizers) and claims they are mostly incapable of growth and reflection and will never change. Meanwhile, the "internalizer" is capable of boundless growth and maturity. Whatever kindness or understanding is offered to these children who externalize, is quickly glossed over and treated as an addendum rather than an integral component of her theory, unlike the portrayal of the internalizer.
4) What's more, the author introduces these concepts by claiming that these two different responses to emotionally immature parents are beyond the conscious control of the child and have more to do with intrinsic character & personality traits. This is extremely problematic because she goes on to sympathize with one and demonize the other, suggesting that there is inherent goodness in one, and badness in the other. She describes the internalizers as "easy" children while externalizers were more prone to behavioral problems, which is true according to her metric however broad it may be. She even points out that emotionally immature parents often choose favorites, gravitating towards the easy child, while projecting their own insecurities on to the other child--this is also correct. However, she completely misses an opportunity to empathize with externalizers on the impact of always being treated as "the bad child" and a problem to be dealt with. If you were someone who grew up with siblings and some were favored while others admonished, this book may be very triggering and actually cause more harm than good.
My suggestion? If you are able to, find an actual therapist to speak to instead of self-diagnosing yourself and others with self-help books that mostly offer ways to label yourself and other people. The biased and unbalanced perspective, along with the many blindspots, outweigh any insights this book offers on emotionally immature parents and the adults who grew up with them and need to heal from this trauma.
November 16, 2024
Я писала рецензію на цю книгу в межах челеджу до книжкового клубу і забула виставити відгук, довелося його скоротити майже вдвічі😂
Я дуже рідко читаю психологічну літературу, але мені сподобалося.
В книзі наведена детальна характеристика емоційно зрілих та емоційно незрілих людей, розкриття того як виховання емоційно незрілими батьками впливає на життя дітей в майбутньому.
Цільовою аудиторією цієї книги є люди схильні до самоаналізу, яким хочеться з'ясувати причини своєї невпевненості, самотності, прагненні догодити іншим, тривожності. Як сказала авторка ця книга буде цікава "інтерналізаторам".
В книзі присутня досить надійна доказова база. Авторка наводить результати дослідження різних науковців, праці вчених в сфері психології, а також власний досвід роботи з клієнтами. Присутній список літератури, а в роботі є посилання на кожне джерело.
На мою думку авторка досить повно розкрила тему. В роботі наводиться загальна характеристика емоційно незрілих людей, опис різних типів емоційно незрілих батьків, розкрито як впливає виховання такими батьками на їхніх дітей і до чого таке виховання призводить, розкрито два стилі адаптації до життя з емоційно незрілими батьками, наведені кейси з практики автора (історії реальних людей), також є вправи для визначення того до якого типу належите ви та батьки і вправи (поради) розвитку емоційної зрілості. Також авторка наводить риси емоційно зрілих людей і дає поради як спілкуватися з емоційно незрілими батьками без шкоди для свого емоційного здоров'я.
Особисто я не знайшла для себе значущих мінусів. Ця книга не допоможе вам вирішити всі свої проблеми, але вона приведе до їх усвідомлення і з'ясування причин, а також тут є багато корисних порад, якими ви самі вирішуєте, користуватися, чи ні.
І наведу кілька фраз, які мені сподобалися (а таких було дуже багато, в мене вся книга в цитатах)
"Важливо відмовитися від переконання, що, якби батьки вас любили, вони б вас зрозуміли. Ви — незалежна доросла людина й можете жити без розуміння батьків."
"Навчитися ставити кордони й подолати звичку віддавати забагато енергії можна тільки тоді, коли ви собі співчуваєте."
P.S. Випадково натрапила на відгук, в якому стверджувалося, що авторка занадто категорична і, що за її твердженням всі люди емоційно незрілі і погані. Захотілося це прокоментувати. Авторка дійсно наводить занадто великий список рис емоційно зрілих людей, в сукупності вийде прям ідеальна людина. Проте, вона також зазначає, що емоційно зріла людина має більшість з цих рис, а не всі, адже ідеальних людей не існує і в будь-якому випадку ми всі індивідуальні. Поділ людей за вираженням емоцій я також не вважаю занадто категоричним. Тому що, знову ж таки, було твердження, що людина може поєднувати в собі риси різних типів, залежно від ситуації, емоційного стану і т.д., проте в більшості випадків переважає щось одне. У мене все, дякую за увагу))
Я дуже рідко читаю психологічну літературу, але мені сподобалося.
В книзі наведена детальна характеристика емоційно зрілих та емоційно незрілих людей, розкриття того як виховання емоційно незрілими батьками впливає на життя дітей в майбутньому.
Цільовою аудиторією цієї книги є люди схильні до самоаналізу, яким хочеться з'ясувати причини своєї невпевненості, самотності, прагненні догодити іншим, тривожності. Як сказала авторка ця книга буде цікава "інтерналізаторам".
В книзі присутня досить надійна доказова база. Авторка наводить результати дослідження різних науковців, праці вчених в сфері психології, а також власний досвід роботи з клієнтами. Присутній список літератури, а в роботі є посилання на кожне джерело.
На мою думку авторка досить повно розкрила тему. В роботі наводиться загальна характеристика емоційно незрілих людей, опис різних типів емоційно незрілих батьків, розкрито як впливає виховання такими батьками на їхніх дітей і до чого таке виховання призводить, розкрито два стилі адаптації до життя з емоційно незрілими батьками, наведені кейси з практики автора (історії реальних людей), також є вправи для визначення того до якого типу належите ви та батьки і вправи (поради) розвитку емоційної зрілості. Також авторка наводить риси емоційно зрілих людей і дає поради як спілкуватися з емоційно незрілими батьками без шкоди для свого емоційного здоров'я.
Особисто я не знайшла для себе значущих мінусів. Ця книга не допоможе вам вирішити всі свої проблеми, але вона приведе до їх усвідомлення і з'ясування причин, а також тут є багато корисних порад, якими ви самі вирішуєте, користуватися, чи ні.
І наведу кілька фраз, які мені сподобалися (а таких було дуже багато, в мене вся книга в цитатах)
"Важливо відмовитися від переконання, що, якби батьки вас любили, вони б вас зрозуміли. Ви — незалежна доросла людина й можете жити без розуміння батьків."
"Навчитися ставити кордони й подолати звичку віддавати забагато енергії можна тільки тоді, коли ви собі співчуваєте."
P.S. Випадково натрапила на відгук, в якому стверджувалося, що авторка занадто категорична і, що за її твердженням всі люди емоційно незрілі і погані. Захотілося це прокоментувати. Авторка дійсно наводить занадто великий список рис емоційно зрілих людей, в сукупності вийде прям ідеальна людина. Проте, вона також зазначає, що емоційно зріла людина має більшість з цих рис, а не всі, адже ідеальних людей не існує і в будь-якому випадку ми всі індивідуальні. Поділ людей за вираженням емоцій я також не вважаю занадто категоричним. Тому що, знову ж таки, було твердження, що людина може поєднувати в собі риси різних типів, залежно від ситуації, емоційного стану і т.д., проте в більшості випадків переважає щось одне. У мене все, дякую за увагу))
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