Let me just lose my mind / Is it purely platonic to call me, like, every night? (Disaster – Conan Gray).
Sorry, but this is going to be another one of those times where I rate this normally, but my review will make it sound like this book personally trapped me in The Shadow Realm, leaving me suffering in agony for all eternity. Oh well, that’s what the ever elusive “3-star” rating is for, right? That's how I use it. Anyway, reading this made me feel like I was losing my mind. “Enemies-to-lovers,” “low-drama,” “cozy-romance.” Buzz words, buzz words, buzz words! I. Must. Consume. Content. Wait, I’m not in the Truman Show, am I? Because at what point are we just... saying words? And look, I like these things in books, I really do! But this book was trying to do so much, and so clumsily, that it felt like a horrific amalgam of easily digestible tropes. I just hate it when I get the sense that a story is only doing certain things because it has to adhere to specific story conventions. Tropes are important, I know, but I think they should be hidden a little better. Because otherwise, the whole thing reeks of “studio interference,” for lack of a better term. Like, “Oh this is a cozy love story! See, look how cute and domestic it is! But wait, we got to add a little spice in order to serve the enemies-to-lovers thing so why don’t we have the love-interest take the main guy… hostage. Oh, why don't we also add all the intricate details of the elf royal family. Great, now we’ve covered all our bases!” It’s a mess. It certainly didn’t help that every time a new character is introduced, there’d usually be at least one paragraph of exposition explaining who they were with all their little backstories. Clunky and repetitive. Repetitive and clunky. Despite everything though, I did like the idea of a character like Sanev. A man who’s spent his entire life with his nose buried in books, finally deciding to up and leave so that he can go be the hero of his own story? That’s a wonderful theme to center a story around. If only it kept to that premise, because even though Sanev is the only pov, all of the narrative importance revolves around the prince! Sanev didn’t even feel like a character after a while, but more like a tour guide in other people’s lives. Nick Carraway-coded for real. Which is unfortunate, because that's hardly any different than how he started his journey. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood, but there’s a falseness to this book. I keep seeing the word “cozy” plastered all over this thing, but the final product is more like one of those Synthetic Krabby Patties. This is a book with a pretty cover that covers all the checklist trends, but in doing so, satisfies no one.
Working up the motivation to finish this was also a bit of a chore. Just call me Icarus, because my hubris really kicked my ass here. I went into this book seriously thinking it’d be an easy-breezy thing that would take me a couple days at most to get through. And, yeah well… suffice to say, it did not take me two days to finish. Every now and then, I’d look up after reading a thousand pages and see that I was only on page 80!? It’s not even like it was so rich in detail that I was lost (the opposite actually. As I’m pretty sure that a whole ass war happens off-screen), but I think this book has a bit of an identity crisis, as there’s often a weird tonal whiplash when it jumps from one chapter to the next. One moment we’d get treated to discussions about the horrors of war (some that are literally being committed by the love-interest. Real charmer, that one), and then the next, Sanev would be building a snowman with the prince's nieces. Big surprise, but I thought the love-interest sucked ass. Not even mentioning the terrible things he does (in a cozy romance!?), but I think that the dangerous aura surrounding Prince Hamon is supposed to be darkly sexy but… nah, it really didn’t work here. Unless people think the movie John Q is hot for some reason, then there’s really nothing special to be found here. And trust me, the prince is no Denzel Washington, that’s for sure. The main premise is that a cute librarian is held captive by a standoffish, but still dashing dude named Prince Hamon, but a more apt name for him would be “Prince Grug!” ...That's his caveman name. I’ve assigned him a caveman name. Because damn, he honestly behaved appallingly, all soft eyes one moment, then growling the next. King Kong mf. I mean, sure, I guess Sanev never actually minded being held hostage, but come on! It’s about the principle of the whole thing! Even Belle didn’t start liking The Beast until his ass learned how to behave. Seriously, there's a whole song about it! We're supposed to see something that wasn't there before! You want to allude to a Beauty and the Beast type of story? Then there are certain sacred rituals that you have to follow. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. So~oo, where do I stand on this? It’s probably obvious that I hate rating things low, and I made it sound like there are zero good things about this book, but there are! Probably. I just didn’t feel like talking about them. Besides, most of my ire is from the fact that it so strongly advertises itself as one thing, but clearly wants to be something else entirely. Is it low drama? Yeah, I guess. In the sense that all the bad things happen off-screen. But I definitely wouldn’t say that this is cozy. I mean, I’m literally cozy as I write this, but that's only because of the oversized hoodie I’m wearing. Sadly, I wouldn’t exactly say the same for this book.
“I’ve wanted to apologize for some time now,” Hamon began, looking around the room as if trying to find the perfect words.
“For what?” Sanev honestly didn’t know.”
FOR HOLDING YOU HOSTAGE! The apology is for... HOLDING YOU HOSTAGE!!