When Your Parent Becomes Your Child: A Journey of Faith Through My Mother's Dementia

by Ken Abraham

At first, Ken Abraham wrote off his mother's changes in behavior as quirks that just come with old age. There was memory loss, physical decline, hygiene issues, paranoia, and uncharacteristic attitudes. He soon realized that dementia had changed her life―and his familiy's―forever. "How is it possible to lose a loved one while he or she is still living, still sitting right in front of you, talking with you, smiling at you―and yet the person you have known and loved for years is somehow gone?" According to the Alzheimer's Association, an estimated 5.4 million Americans of all ages have Alzheimer's disease. That's one in eight older Americans. More than likely, that figure includes someone you know and love. As he chronicles his own mother's degenerative condition, New York Times best-selling writer Ken Abraham educates while offering inspiration to help readers cope with and manage their family circumstances. With humor and spiritual reminders of God's command to honor our parents, Abraham encourages readers through often-difficult responsibilities. And though in most cases patients will not recover this side of heaven, he suggests many practical things that families can do to make the experience safer, kinder, and more endurable for everyone involved. When Your parent Becomes Your Child tells the story of one family's journey through dementia while offering hope to family members and friends, that they might better understand the effects of the disease. Dont let this catch you by surprise―be informed before you face the challenges and difficulties of a loved one with Alzheimer's or dementia. This book can help.

Genres: Nonfiction, Health, Memoir, Psychology, Christianity

256 pages, Paperback

First published October 30, 2012

About the author

Ken Abraham is a New York Times best-selling author, known around the world for his collaborations with popular celebrities and fascinating, high-profile public figures. Ken worked with Lisa Beamer, widow of United Flight 93 hero, Todd Beamer to create the number one New York Times best-seller, LET'S ROLL! (Tyndale House Publishers, August, 2002), Lisa's story of hope in the midst of crisis.

Ken recently penned RACING TO WIN (Multnomah, 2002), with Joe Gibbs, former coach of the Washington Redskins and now owner of Joe Gibbs Racing, winner of the 2002 NASCAR Winston Cup Championship, with driver, Tony Stewart, and the 2000 Winston Cup Championship, with Joe Gibbs driver, Bobby Labonte.

In addition, Ken wrote THE RIGHT THING (Integrity Publishers, 2003), with Scott Waddle, the former Navy commander who brought his submarine up under a Japanese fishing boat on February 8, 2001, killing nine people. Commander Waddle's insistence that he is responsible and accountable for the accident, despite evidence that proves others were at fault, surprised a world that has become accustomed to leaders attempting to deflect blame away from themselves.

Ken's collaborations have been featured on ABC-TV's "20-20," NBC-TV's "Dateline," CNN's "Larry King Live," "Good Morning America" (ABC), The CBS "Morning Show," "The Today Show" (NBC), The [former] Nashville Network, and the Family Channel.

Drug-running, catastrophic death, AIDS, cancer, spousal abuse, imprisonment, and child abandonment . . . are just a few of the tough topics about which Ken Abraham has co-written books in recent years. Said one commentator, "Ken Abraham gets more heart on paper than any co-writer in America. His books offer genuine hope for people going through the darkest of circumstances."

For instance, Ken co-authored PAYNE STEWART, THE AUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY, with Tracey Stewart. A thirteen-week New York Times bestseller, the book chronicles the life of one of the most famous professional golfers ever to grace the links. Known for his wit, charm, and sartorial splendor, including his colorful knickers and tam 'o shanter hats, Payne Stewart always left an impression. On October 25, 1999, the country watched on "live" television as Payne and five others streaked 1,400 miles across the nation in a Learjet with a dead pilot at the controls, finally crashing in a field in South Dakota. With Payne's wife, Tracey, Ken Abraham once again succeeded in telling a powerful, poignant story in a way that provides hope rather than despair.

In COMING CLEAN (WaterBrook - Doubleday- Random House), Ken's collaboration with former Medellin drug cartel leader, Jorge Valdés, provided an inside look at one of the most powerful and corrupting forces in our society-the cocaine industry and its influence on top government officials, Hollywood celebrities, as well as kids in the streets. The transformation of Jorge Valdés from the American head of the cartel to a Christian evangelist is a compelling and fascinating testimony of God's power to change anyone's life.

Ken also collaborated with professional golfer, Paul Azinger, whose rise to the top of the PGA tour, only to discover cancer in his shoulder, and his remarkable recovery and comeback are recorded in ZINGER! (Harper-Collins / Zondervan; 1995). Additionally, Ken has co-authored THE GAMER, the baseball autobiography of All-Star catcher, Gary Carter (Word Publishing).

In THE BURDEN OF A SECRET, (Random House / Ballantine, 1995), Ken collaborated with Dr. Jimmy Allen, former president of the 16-million member Southern Baptist Convention, to tell the story of Dr. Allen's family crisis as they discovered truth and mercy in the face of AIDS. The book was a finalist in the 1996 Evangelical Christian Publisher's Association's Gold Medallion Awards.

Ken co-authored the bestseller, I WAS WRONG, a book with Jim Bakker, former PTL president and televangelist, in which for the first time, the fallen preacher reveals his side o

Reviews

[Sharon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is exactly the book (and/or therapy) I needed right now. My mom is a bit earlier in her dementia than Abraham's mother was at the beginning of the stories, yet so many are similar.
I've started reading a few books on Alzheimers in which the author continuously congratulates him or herself on their own courageous, selfless, 100 percent correct journey helping loved ones with Alzheimers. But you know what? That's not helpful. I seldom finish the book
Abraham tells a story of trying to do the right thing in a horrible situation--sometimes getting it right and sometimes getting it wrong. And he gives almost too much detail. But it's information you need to know if you're going down this road.
The disease is the enemy. We just do the best we can.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the true story of Ken Abraham's mom, Minnie, and her last years of life. The story begins with Ken talking about how shocked he was when he understood his mom had dementia.

The journey began slowly.

After the death of Ken's dad in 1997, his mom continued to live alone in the family home in Pennsylvania. Ken and his family lived in Nashville, other siblings and family lived in Florida. All of them made frequent visits to see Minnie. Ken said his mom could be "quirky", so some odd behaviors his mom did were just written off as that part of her personality, or habits picked up by living alone.

Ken walks us through the different steps down Minnie took as her quality of life was taken away by dementia. Minnie goes from her family home, then needing to move to a small apartment, to needing the services of an assisted living residence, to the heartbreaking move to a nursing home.

Ken talks about the frustration of medications given to his mother that weren't needed or were too strong. He relates how some doctors can be callus when talking about their loved ones. And, of course, the high economic cost of getting medical services.

Ken is very honest about the feelings and frustrations he and his mom experienced. He tells us about the many lows they walked through. He also relates some of the highs, too-and the good times seem to shine all the brighter when they are surrounded by desperate times. Ken tells us that despite all the struggles Minnie had, and things she lost, her ability to play the piano and sing was one of the last things to leave. He talks about the strong Christian faith Minnie and he shared. Ken relates the many prayers he and others prayed for his mom.

Ken treasured the time with his mom, even when she was losing many of her functions and abilities. Minnie still had value. I admire Ken for visiting Minnie everyday when she was in the nursing home.

Some of Ken and Minnie's journey was familiar territory. My father passed away in 2008 after a seven year battle that began with his sudden loss of sight to macular degeneration, at the same time, he developed Parkinson's disease, hearing problems and dementia. We also experienced caregivers that gave wrong dosages of medication, that stole things from dad, or were uncaring. We, too, had the heartbreak of watching someone you love have their essence of personality and physical abilities stolen a little bit at a time by dreadful diseases-along with the physical pain they endured. We know the impotence of not being able to change or fix-it for our loved one.

There are things in this book that are hard to read. For people who have already lived through a similar journey, this is a story that can be related to, but might open up old sorrows. This is an eye opening book for anyone who has the blessing of parents who are in good health. It should be read, just in case.

I give this book five stars.

My Website: http://fushiacat.wordpress.com/2013/0...

[Miss Pippi the Librarian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ken Abraham openly shares his journey about his mother who suffered from dementia. From the first little signs to the final stages, Abraham lovingly recounts how his life changed as he took take of his mother. The memories are touching, heartbreaking, humorous, and full of faith. It's not easy to see someone you love fall ill, but sharing the story with others can greatly aid in the healing. Keeping your eyes on the heavenly goal and remaining strong in the faith will also ease the stress and heartache of earthly living.

Dementia and Alzheimer's disease patients are located on a wide spectrum. Each patient will have their own experiences. Abraham's mother is just one story in a million, but it's an excellent story. Many readers can relate to his stories and reflect on the differences about the people they know in their lives. If you know of someone with dementia or Alzheimer's, I would highly recommend When Your Parent Becomes Your Child. It's a fascinating read.

Reviewed from a NetGalley copy. Thank you, Thomas Nelson!

[Deborah Ogren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Was an excellent book to read on this subject.

[Angela Covarrubias · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am very happy that I was given the chance to review Ken Abraham's book 'When Your Parent Becomes Your Child'. Before reading this book I had always associated Dementia with Alzheimer's. I just assumed that they were one in the same, but they are not. Dementia is a cluster of symptoms (memory loss, forgetting how to do something or care for yourself), where Alzheimer's is a specific medical disease that has many of the symptoms of Dementia.

I enjoyed reading Ken's book. I have learned things about the illness that I never knew before. I am fortunate in that I haven't had to go through anything like this with either one of my parents, and I hope that I don't have to. In this book shares his mother's illness with us and her day to day life, care and quality of life.

Once Ken's mother came to visit with his family for a bit and woke him up in the middle of the night saying that there were men in white coats outside her window. Ken assured her there were not. He even went so far as to take her outside in the dark so she could look for herself.

Ken and his siblings overlooked many things at first and decided it was just old age. Such as their mother having a wreck because she forgot which pedal was for the gas and which pedal was for the break. She would forget to take her medicine or take to little or no enough. Accusing people of stealing from her all the time, to hoarding. She would have out burst and say inappropriate and sometimes hurtful things to people. She would even curse at times, something that she never had done before.

Ken talks about how he denied to himself that nothing was wrong with his mother, even when others noticed things he didn't. He talks about coming to terms with his mothers illness, deciding on her care and where she would live. He wanted the best care possible for his mother, but also care that was affordable.

I can only try to imagine how hard it was on his mother also. To go from caring for yourself and being independent to not being able to bathe, dress or care for yourself properly. This illness had to be frustrating for everyone. It would be a lot to shoulder caring for a parent with Dementia or Alzheimers and to help them keep their dignity also.

Throughout the book Ken talks about his mothers love for singing gospel songs and playing the piano. Even with her illness it seems she never forgot how to play the piano or the words to all the songs she loved. Ken's book is a must read for anyone that is caring for a parent. Even if you are not caring for you parent it is a wonderful book to read to help understand the illness. I enjoyed reading this book. It was sad at times because I kept thinking to myself "what if this were my mother?"

[Keri · Rating 2 out of 5]

1.5⭐ - DNF at 40% for a few reasons:

1) I had a hard time believing someone whose parent is in their mid to late 80s would be completely shocked at their receiving diagnosis of dementia after such odd behaviors. Or that he would pray for miraculous healing, as if it was someone with cancer or someone in their 50s or 60s - it was just hard to read. (i.e. He talks about how devastated they were that she only had about 10 years left, and it just... seemed illogical to expect anything different, even without dementia.) Death comes for us all, and sadly, it is not at all uncommon for the mind to start to go before the body does.

2) I was hoping it would contain helpful tips or tricks for caregiving, but it instead focused pretty much exclusively on the hardships his mom's condition caused their particular family.

3) The "journey of faith" side of things was extremely weak theologically and practically. He talks occasionally about Christian spirituality, but it doesn't go beyond his mom knowing hymns or how he wrestles with the fact that she isn't going to receive miraculous healing.

Scripture has so much to offer families affected by dementia, but I saw very little of that hope offered here. So I stopped reading.

It's clean, okay written, and told from a Christian-ish perspective. But it didn't move me or make me want to finish.

[Tammy · Rating 1 out of 5]

By far the least helpful book concerning dementia that I have read. Total waste of time.

[Ruth Walker · Rating 3 out of 5]

My mother is late stage dementia so it's comforting to read books about how that journey is for others. Like Ken we feel it is better to deal with matters like funeral arrangements, and memorials now, but I felt this "It felt horribly morbid, and almost underhanded, determining the details of Mom’s final demise while she was still living", and when Ken talks about visiting his mother he says "We all knew each good-bye could be the last" and "There is an emotional toll to this long, drawn-out ordeal that I’m reluctant to admit, much less mention, but it is quite real. In a nutshell, the visits with my mom at this stage were as emotionally painful for me as they were physically painful for her" which tells me there are others who know the pain I feel every time I leave my mother at the end of a visit.

[Saúl Girón · Rating 5 out of 5]

Un libro realmente hermoso. Considero que el amor que este hombre sintió por su madre, le hizo escribir estas páginas tan duras, las cuales llevan el propósito de aportar algo de conocimiento y comprensión de lo duro y complicado que puede llegar a ser esta enfermedad. Además, tiene buenos consejos!
Sencillamente hermoso!!

[Beth Dunnery · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for anyone dealing with a parent with dementia. I laughed, i cried, it was SO GOOD! I learned and related to so much. Thank you Ken for sharing you and your family’s journey.

[Candy Shepard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the kindest, most gentle way to affirm to a friend, much less a stranger, the heart break of this disease. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that it's the disease talking, not my mama. Thank you for your openness, your brutal honesty. As I, through blurry eyes, underlined shared revelations, I imagined the bravery and strength you mustered to reminisce these memories. Thank you. Truth shared successfully, yet not clinically, from one mourning child to another. Thank you.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

The idea of living past 100 years of age is now becoming the new norm. It is not uncommon to see a person above 96 living in an assisted living center or in a child’s home. The standard of living has now begun to morph into something new that has reset the retirement clock. It has forced seniors to work into their later years and often carry roles that they were not meant to carry. One of the unforeseen consequences of modern medicine is the rapid onset of dementia. In the last 30 years or so there seems to be an epidemic spread of severe memory loss that forces seniors to loose themselves and force families to make tough choices. This book is about one such situation. It is about a man named Ken Abraham and his mother Minnie. Ken like many other children find themselves the caretakers of their parents. In a time when most parents should be enjoying their golden years, Ken finds his mother drifting in a sea of confusion. Gone are the years spent with him and his family. Instead he must cope somehow by bearing the burden of caring for parent, his own offspring, job, and finances.

This book was very personal for me. I, like Ken, am taking care of someone with severe dementia. My situation mirrored the author’s to the point of it being comical. My loved one is my grandmother and not my mother. As a 35 year old it is rather difficult being responsible for a senior, but one learns to handle it. This book was comforting for me and reminded me that there are many others out there that are experiencing the same situation. I enjoyed this book and appreciate the author sharing his story. I found it to be very helpful and I have to recommend it for sure!

[Jeannine · Rating 4 out of 5]

As I’m facing the fact that my mom has dementia, I thought I’d review “When Your Parent Becomes Your Child” by Ken Abraham. It’s a true story, so I thought it would be easier to relate … and I was right. This book outlines the journey that Abraham had to go through with his mom’s dementia journey. It outlines the path that I will undoubtedly be on! It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone and that others are also on that same path; however scary it will be. Going on the path with knowledge certainly makes the journey less “grey”.

I have started noticing how my mom is no longer that same mom that I’ve known all of my life … Abraham explains this “feeling” very clearly. Memory loss, physical decline, hygiene issues, paranoia and uncharacteristic attitudes … yes, dementia definitely changes an entire family’s life! I know it’s changing my life already.

Understanding the effects of this disease will help; which is why I was drawn to this book. Abraham offers inspiration and ways to cope with the difficult responsibility that I will soon be facing: caring for my parent.

I’m so happy I had the opportunity to read “When Your Parent Becomes Your Child”, and suggest that my friends, peers, and family read it too! It’s a definite tool in preparing for what lies ahead.

[rita hodak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book

I purchased this book because I knew Minnie!! Ken writes such a compelling story about his mom's final years and her journey home to be with the Lord Jesus!! Much more importantly though, is the insight I was given about Alzheimer's and dementia!! As painful and heartbreaking as it was, to read how difficult it was for Minnie, it was equally heartbreaking to feel Ken's pain as well!! This is such a beautifully written and compassionate book!! Kudos to you, Ken!!

[Holly Morey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really connected with this book and the journey this author took with his mother. My mother also has dementia and I felt like I was reading her story. Through his mother's illness, I learned how better to deal with situations that arise and how to communicate better with my mother. I really appreciate the author who wrote this book and the friend who gave it to me to read

[Alana · Rating 4 out of 5]

A difficult book to read when you and your family are going through Alzheimer's or dementia with a parent. That being said, it is a great perspective and honest account of what the author and his family experienced with their mother. I liked that he just "put it all out there" the good, the bad and the very ugly.

[Debra Patton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the beginning of the book humorous because it really described my mother's journey with dementia. Then, as the author's mother continued her decline, it was very sad knowing that this is how my mother's earthly journey will end.

[Joanne Selley · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author's account of his mother's last few years living with dementia. A beautifully written, loving and faithful account of watching a loved one deal with this horrid disease. Thoroughly recommended.

[Jean · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book describes Ken Abraham's own experience with his mom having dementia. He outlines things he wished he had known about dementia before he had to face them. For anyone dealing with a loved one who has dementia or Alzheimer's, this is a great resource.

[Crystal · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not quite what I was expecting as it really doesn't offer any advice for dealing with a parent's dementia. However, his story was very relatable and it was comforting to read that my experience is very similar to his.

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was the author's story of his mother's dementia and a really good walkthrough of things to recognize and steps to take.
"All my life, Mom taught me how to live. Now she is teaching me how to die."
Heartbreaking, but as he says, "...it is a privilege to have served?"

[Liz Phelan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good. Helpful information about Alzheimer's and the dying process. I am not looking forward to this experience with my dad but the more information the better .

[Mitzi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting book. It is about dealing with parents with memory issues. Sad, funny, and well written. I feel like educating myself about this is the best way to handle it.

[Tina Majors · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recommend by a co worker. Excellent read,

[Rebecca Hickman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book to help understand what you can expect.

[Terry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Ken, for writing this book! My family has been taking care of my elderly dad & stepmother for the last 2 years since they were BOTH diagnosed with Dementia. They continually regress & we’ve moved them several times as their needs increase. (One of the hardest parts for us is finding places we can afford that will allow them to stay together since my dad is much more advanced.)

Your book is an easy read (not emotionally easy but easy to understand.) I love how you captured the spirit of your mom, shared her passion for Christ, worship, music & her family. I would have loved to know your mother & had to laugh at the wonderful stories you shared from her colorful life. Thank you too for sharing the not so lovely things caretakers have to do & family members never imagined doing. You shared the truth while showing your respect & love, guarding “Minnie’s” integrity & making her feel priceless!

I have dealt with all the stages & diagnoses your mom went through. Some I knew about. Many I suspected & needed confirmation. My dad is a former chairman of deacons at a mega church. His wife was church librarian. It is hard to prepare friends who’ve known, esteemed & loved them for decades, the fact they may not recognize them. It hurts. We try to take them to church often but it’s hard because they can’t even keep track of each other & they don’t wander together.

Bless you and your family who worked so well to do something you never imagined would happen!

This book should be read by everyone who has a family member or friend with dementia. It is eye opening & sets the bar for how family & friends should care for their loved ones.

[Kerstin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ken Abraham chronicles his mother's decline into dementia, a heart wrenching read. In a very down to earth style he talks of how unprepared he was to see his very capable mom become completely dependent on full time care. He explains how easily the early symptoms of dementia are overlooked and how far reaching this horrible disease is. He speaks of navigating the healthcare system, finding nursing home care, and highlights the challenges faced when dementia patients are overly medicated.
The most important take away is that for a parent to receive good care the family must be involved. As "your parent becomes your child", you will need compassion, patience and courage, especially when it comes to the most intimate care; diapering. He sees it as a privilege to take care of his mom, and although he does not say it, there were moments that I perceived as sacred.

The one thing that gave me pause is realizing that he does not have his mother's permission in disclosing her entire medical history nor her consent in describing some very embarrassing situations. Although truthful, I don't know if I would be delighted if I were the subject of this book.

I do recommend this book as an eye opening guide and also a good way for families to ease into difficult decisions that many will need to make.

[Shellie · Rating 3 out of 5]

One man’s journey through his mother’s dementia. This is an account of an unchartered journey through fear and uncertainty. I was expecting a more knowledgeable view, and found some of his antidotes and problem-solving efforts surprisingly naïve. But I didn’t stop listening, I wanted to hear what he eventually learned and would have to advise. The last few minutes paid off he did have some advice.

This is kind of unchartered territory for almost anyone, people don’t talk about it, they don’t share it, and they certainly don’t want to deal with it, or have it or be a part of it. And certainly there are no solid answers, there are no certain solutions, there are no reversals or fixes. This is some thing that happens and has to be dealt with.

May it not happen to anyone I know.

I really think this was the book he had to write between other books to satisfy a publishing agreement while he took time off to care for his mother. I do want to read another book by him so I can make a comparison of technique and style.

[Alaine Lee · Rating 3 out of 5]

Listened to this on audio book.
Although I'm not all that religious a person(and parts of this book are quite spiritual), this was a good book to listen to, as I'm going through the exact same thing right now with my mom.
Narrated by the author, it was sad at times, funny at times(yes you have to laugh through these moments), and informational as well.
I loved how he kept the love and dignity of his mom through it all. She was his mom, changed through the dementia, but still the mom he loved forever and ever.

[micheale johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dementia

I gave this book a five star because it is very much the way life is when living with a loved one with dementia. I believe everyone should read this book. Even those who work with the public. In is very insightful to how living with dementia is daily. It was an easy read and I found myself laughing and crying because I could relate. Thank Mr. Abraham for sharing your mom's story and being honest with your own feelings.