Tough Guys and Drama Queens: How Not to Get Blindsided by Your Child's Teen Years

by Mark Gregston

Are you ready for your child's teen years?

If you've ever lain awake at night wondering what might be around the corner of your child's adolescence, this book is for you! After more than thirty-eight years of working with more than 2,500 years, Mark Gregston, founder of heartlight, a Christian residential counseling center, introduces Tough Guys and Drama Queens ― a must-read "how-to" book for parents of pre-teens and teens with time-tested, biblical techniques to guide you  through these unavoidably challenging years.

Mark helps parents realize that some natural parenting approaches are actually counter-productive and therefore totally ineffective.In place of those, he offers tried and true wisdom on the vital importance of relationship, forgiveness, and explains how conflict is actually the precursor to change.

Everyday your child is bombarded by highly sexualized culture and over-exposed to words and images that can influence them beyond your reach.your connection to them during these years is critical as is your response to tough issues such as appearance, performance, authority and respect, boundaries, and many more.

Genres: Parenting, Christian, Nonfiction, Family

217 pages, Paperback

First published July 10, 2012

Reviews

[Marlise · Rating 2 out of 5]

As far as I can see, most of the people who have given this book a decent rating aren't actually parents of teens. As a parent of 3 teens, I found this book very outdated and redundant. I should hope that any parent of teens would know these basics already. But I guess there are many parents who don't, which is why a book like this was written. If you still think you can shelter your children from the world, maybe this book will help you realize that it's an impossible feat in today's world. If you already know that parenting today requires navigating prevailing teen culture alongside your kids, then move along to any of the dozens more practical parenting books out there.

[Preston DuBose · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll admit the first few chapters left me wondering if this book was going to be any good, but it picked up after that and actually I like it quite a lot. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to parents. In fact, I'd say don't wait for your kids to become teenagers. I'd say 10 is probably a better age for taking this book to heart.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love this book. Easy read and logical strategies.

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is five stars because of Part 3 telling me how to parent better. BEST PARENTING ADVICE. Thank you.

[Laurie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read with real life examples in the book. Felt practical enough to use and ready to try some on my teens. Also has a podcast I enjoy.

[M. Azhaari Shah Sulaiman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Old style of parenting may not work on children today. Making it sometimes, the parents are not able to bridge the gap between them. This book will give you a short take on how to handle your kids. How to begin a conversation with them.

[Tanya · Rating 2 out of 5]

To quote another reviewer, "If you already know that parenting today requires navigating prevailing teen culture alongside your kids, then move along to any of the dozens more practical parenting books out there."
That could explain why it took me 2 years to clear it out of my Audible cue.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t go into reading this book thinking I’d get much out of it, but I believe this book is revolutionizing how I’m parenting my teens. I need to trust them more, give them more freedom to make decisions, be more loving and understanding, and criticize imperfect decisions less.
It’s not that this season of parenting hasn’t been going well, but I’ve been needing to better understand and accept it’s a season of letting go while continuing to build great relationships. It’s not a time to hold on so tightly that the reason they make the “right” decision is because they had no freedom or ability to make the wrong decision. There will be plenty of mistakes along the way, but teens, especially those who have been poured into by Christian parents their whole lives, need the freedom to start choosing to live that out by the decisions they’re allowed to make.
I learned a lot, and even allowed my high school daughter to get her first phone after being the only one in her friend group without one. Parental controls are set on the phone, but there’s freedom to call/text/Snapchat/FaceTime friends when that used to be very minimal and heavily watched over (and criticized!). It’s time for me to let go more, and I’m thankful for this book (recommended to me by my daughter’s friend’s mom who also found it very helpful over the years).

[Andres Tobar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Required reading for ALL parents

I’m a houseparent in a children’s home and I get to see firsthand the results of parents not quite understanding the teen years and how to handle the relationship during that time. The relationship is the most important thing between you and your teen and if you want to have a chance to influence your teen and launch them into adulthood, you have to keep that at the forefront. This book does a wonderful job of not only going into the why but also giving some practical advice that you can put into use right away.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has some good observations and tips for raising teenagers. I would have found this book really helpful when my oldest was 10 or 12, but it still has relevant topics even though my teens are a little older now.
It's been a while since I read it, and one of my biggest takeaways is: choose your battles. Is it really worth fighting over choice of clothing, etc. when there are so many more things that are worth discussing and "taking a stand" about?

[Ruthann · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best parenting books I’ve ever read. Extremely practical and winsome, Mark has a way with getting to the heart of the issue and doing so with grace and love. I really appreciate the way he doesn’t condemn parents for the mistakes made but offers hope and a different way forward while believing the best about people. This book has been a lifeline of wisdom to our family- we are so grateful to have read it!

[Clinton Van · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't have kids yet, but the principles and guidelines of Gregston is absolutely amazing and I will definitely use what I have learned from this brilliant book full of wisdom and parenting treasures.

[Betty-Ann Pilgrim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Congratulations to Mark L Gregston!!! This book is sooo amazing! I heard an interview on KLRF 88.5 and immediately ordered my copy. We have learnt so much. We wish we had read this book sooner, we certainly would have saved ourselves a lot of headaches and frustration!

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of good, practical ideas.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great information and encouragement for transition to parenting the teen years.

[Amber Loftin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Best parenting book I've ever read

[Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

great read for all parents of teens and/or pre teens.

[Niceli Benevento · Rating 5 out of 5]

great book help me a lot

The ideas and tips he gives in this book are great, i am doing some of the things with my two teenage and its a blessing

[Seekingmylord · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was really looking forward to reading Tough Guys and Drama Queens: How Not to Get Blindsided by Your Child's Teen Years because I have a tween drama queen in the making and I was pleasantly surprised that the core of Mark Gregston's philosophy is not just how to handle the turbulent teen years but how parents can better prepare their teens for adulthood. Having worked with teens myself, I am impressed that Mark Gregston, founder of a Christian residential counseling center called Heartlight, has had thirty-eight years of experience with more than 2,500 teens.

The author explains the steps of the parental roles in memorable terms. In the first five years parents try to please their children. In the elementary years, there is a shift to protecting the children. Middle school aged children need parents to provide. The remaining teen years should be about preparing them for adulthood. Unfortunately, many parents get stuck in over-pleasing, over-protecting, and over-providing modes. The result is their teenagers are not prepared to be self-reliant adults and they take on the very traits the parents were hoping to avoid, but were inevitable with their parental approach.

At first, it grated with me that Mark Gregston feels that the parenting approach that worked well with me as a child would not work today with the overexposure to information, the overloading children due to our heightened technology, but then I have to admit that today's culture is significantly different than when I was a teen. There were no such things as cell phones, home computers, and cable TV in my home as I was growing up, much less the Internet, email, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, texting, digital pictures, and video games. Between the pressures of school, activities, homework, chores, peer pressures, social media, and parental expectations to excel, a child could be starving for a loving, peaceful, and restful relationship with his parents, as the author suggests. I have felt strictly curtailing online and gaming activities would alleviate these pressures, but I agreed with the advice in the book that at some point teens need to be encouraged to make their own decisions, so they can learn from their mistakes--and, yes, they will make mistakes--at home with forgiving parents.

I highly recommend this book for parents whether or not you are struggling with your tweens or teens. The book has suggestions on what parenting practices to avoid and what ones work. There are examples of previously ideal teens suddenly turning onto the wrong path and why other teens seem rebellious most of the time. Most importantly, I feel the wisdom contained helps the parent realize in a big picture way that the goal is not to have the "perfect teen," but to allow the teen to be imperfect. Not to buffer the teen from the world, but allow him to test the waters of self-reliance, self-control, and self-discipline by increasingly allowing him to make his own choices and realizing, as hard as it is to allow him to fail or get into trouble, that he will learn from his mistakes more than any lecture.

Tough Guys and Drama Queens: How Not to Get Blindsided by Your Child's Teen Years will be staying on my shelf as a reference book to be reread in the future if only to remind me of the ultimate goal is to launch the teenager into adulthood and to encourage me stay on track with that big picture.

Disclaimer: I was given this book from Booksneeze in exchange for my honest opinion, no other compensation was given.

[LMG · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a parenting book to provide guidelines for parenting based on the idea that relationship is the most important factor. I really liked this book and feel that he did a great job of balancing tough love with grace. I would highly recommend this book for parents who need some encouragement that they are doing a good job, as well as advice to help them navigate these tricky years.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title of this book caught my eye. Although at this point I can assume that I'm relatively far from parenting a teenager, if we were to ever adopt a child I might be that much closer. And either way, our future children will eventually be teenagers!

Tough Guys and Drama Queens by Mark Gregston is a well-written, down to earth, sensible and practical book. Gregston works through Heartlight Ministries, a residential counseling center for teenagers, and his experience working with teenagers is extensive through this. One theme I noticed ran through the book was relationships: how important it is to fight to keep a healthy, strong relationship with your teenager. And how various parenting attempts -- even those done with good intentions -- can sabotage that precious relationship. Ways to improve upon your relationship are given, even while helping you learn how to be the counter-culture that your teenager needs to successfully navigate the crazy world in which we live without coming out jaded on the other side. Gregston acknowledges that teenagers are often overexposed in our culture to so many things they shouldn't be and as such, can end up quite confused without their parents influence to help them find their way. He also believes that parents can make the mistake of giving their teenagers everything rather than instilling a good sense of independence and self-sufficiency over time (through the teenage years, instead of all at once or never at all), and gives tips on how to avoid this common snare.

Some parenting practices to avoid include "Perfection is Impossible," and "Authority Cannot be Forced" (authoritarian parenting versus more of an authoritative parenting style with emphasis on relationship). Some parenting practices that work include "Relating is More Important than Winning," "Stop Controlling and Start Trusting," "Add Clear Boundaries and Subtract Strictness" and more.

I would definitely recommend this book. Even if you decided you didn't agree on every single point, Gregston has made a strong argument for the parenting he promotes for teenagers. We all know teenagers are both wonderful and intimidating to raise . . . . the teen years are not quite childhood but not yet adulthood, either. This book could help you navigate raising teens who will turn into well-adjusted, confident, responsible young adults! I give the book 4/5 stars.

Thanks to Booksneeze for a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for my review. Please note that all opinions expressed are my own.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tough Guys and Drama Queens, How Not to Get Blindsided By Your Child's Teen Years by Mark Gregston is a great glimpse into what you're going to encounter while entering the "tween" and "teen" years with your child. Mark Gregston gives you a detailed image of how you can strengthen your relationship with your child. With the introduction of Facebook, Twitter, emails, cell phones and video games, kids have become more disconnected with their relationships than ever before. Tough Guys and Drama Queens gives you practical ways to interact with your adolescent.
Being the mother of a twelve year old, I have seen many different changes in my son. Where he was once a warm little boy running to hug his Mom, he is now a maturing young man who is looking for the next way to spend his free time away from me.
Tough Guys and Drama Queens gave me hope that my delicate relationship can and will be salvaged. I found many of techniques that Mark Gregston suggested to not only be practical for using with my son, but also to use with other relationships around me. While reading this book, I would take notes so that I can return to some vital points.
Although Tough Guys and Drama Queens is written in respect to raising a child in a Christian-faith home, I found this book to have just enough of a spiritual message. There was nothing off-key that would rule this book out for all religious denominations. In fact, Mark Gregston has given me a little better of an insight on how to incorporate religious practices into my parenting.
I highly recommend Tough Guys and Drama Queens to all parents giving it 5 out of 5 hearts. Even if you have a young child s/he will eventually enter those dreaded "tween" years and the advice in this book is useful for years to come. If you already have a "tween" or teen this book lets you know that it's never too late to build a foundation with your child.

[Joana Felício · Rating 3 out of 5]

I requested this book from Booksneeze because I was intrigued by the cover and the title. I am not a parent, I am a teenager, but I love to read the parents' version of their kids life.
There's no need to say that I loved this book, not only because I'm sure my parents will learn a lot from it, but also because it teached me so much about myself and about what I feel, as a teenager.

In this book, Mark Gregston, the founder of Hearthlight, a Christian residential counseling center, uses his years working with teenagers to teach moms and dads that it's necessary to walk a mile in their kids shoes to understand just how dificult adolescence can be. Parents need to realize that we're in a different time from their's. The media we are overexposured to can be wearing for a teenager and can cause damages in our young minds.
We need our parents, not to be judgemental, to tell us what we are doing wrong, but to be someone we feel safe talking to... a person who listens and helps, when his or her help is requested.

I would strongly recommend every parent - and teenager - of a teenager or teenager to be to read this book.
Now, understand this: it's impossible to understand a teenager - even we don't understand ourselves - but it is possible to try to make our teenage years a little less confusing and draining.

[Wendy Hines · Rating 4 out of 5]

As the mother of two teenagers, I found this book to be invaluable. In fact, I wish I had it a few years ago when they were tweens. I think I've done a pretty good job, but I always worry. My daughter has her drama moments with her friends and although I let her know I'm here if she needs to talk or advice, I kind of let her do her thing. I know there's' nothing worse then getting in someone's space - I hate it, I'm sure they hate it.

My son, on the other hand, is almost eighteen and he's trying his wings. It's so hard from a parent's perspective to wonder, "Did I do enough?" "Did I miss something vital?" With Tough Guys and Drama Queens, there are things we shouldn't allow our kids to do and why, and things we should let them do, and why. With social media like it is today, as well as all of the other technology, things are way different now with teens then it was years ago, when I was a teen. Heck, we didn't even have computers then, let alone the internet.

An invaluable resource for all parents! Appearance, performance, authority, respect and boundaries, as well as other proactive tools to help you prepare for those tough teen years! A really great how-to book that includes biblical techniques for you as a guide for those rough times. Well Recommended!

[Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book. There is a lot of information here, and if you have a child I would recommend reading this book. Kids today have so much information at their fingertips its scary. Especially when they don't know how to process that information, or how to use the information they have in a positive instead of a negative manner. Now all kids are different, I know my two definitely are, so what worries you about one child might not worry you about the other. But as parents we need to be involved in our kids lives from the beginning, so when they hit the teen or even pre-teen years we can still steer them in the right direction. This book gives lots of examples of the pitfalls that kids can face, and suggestions for us parent on how to prevent them or to do damage control if we cant prevent it. The one moto I have learned in dealing with my ADHD son is if what I'm doing isn't working than try something else, and what works today might not work tomorrow. The end results are worth the hard work we put into our kids now, for both us and our kids.

[Christie Hagerman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Drawing from decades of experience as a counselor and director of a residential home for troubled youth, the author explains through statistics and real-life stories why today's teens are facing complicated issues that their parents can't necessarily identify with. In the second section, he goes through why old parenting tactics don't work. The final section outlines what parents must change in order to effectively reach their adolescent children.

Not only is this book full of practical advice, but the word pictures used by the author make it easy to understand. Whether your child is sailing through this period without giant problems, or is already in serious trouble, this book has something that every parent can apply to daily life. I particularly liked Gregston's explanations of what may be going on behind the scenes of a troubled youth's outward behavior. This is a must-read book for parents of tweens and teens, or those wanting to get a head-start on those turbulent years.

This book was provided to me by netGalley.com, in exchange for my honest review.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the mom of 2, soon to be 3 teens, I'm reading several how-to-deal-with-teens books lately. As with many stereotypes, the "common wisdom" on teens does seem to have more than a hint of the truth.

I found "Tough Guys and Drama Queens: How Not to Get Blindsided by your Child's Teen Years" by Mark Gregston helpful. As the founder of a Christian teen counseling center, Gregston is well qualified to write this book. It's full of wisdom he's learned from real-world experience in working with teens.

There are many specifics, but it all kind of boils down to: Listen more than you talk. Be reluctant to give advice, and then only give it when asked. Be positive. Be encouraging. Worry more about building a relationship with your child than about enforcing a set of rules.

Gregston comes across as the parents most all of us wish we'd had: caring and concerned. He offers insight into why teens act in the infuriating and confusing (to us adults) ways they sometimes do. I recommend this book to any parents of teens.

[Frank Olvera · Rating 4 out of 5]

In “Tough Guys and Drama Queens” (ISBN 9780849947292), Mark Gregston gives a series of common-sense advises on how to care for and respect teenage sons and daughters. Some of the author’s comments aren’t anything out of the ordinary, but it’s a good idea to have them written on a book — a sort of manual, cheat book or simple survival guide. The book covers topics ranging from respecting our children’s opinion to their sexual awakening, from leaving parental excessive control aside to trusting our children.

Although I usually get electronic copies of books that I review, I wanted this one of paper so I can pass it along other parents. Hopefully they’ll pass it along to others and so on. This is simply a good book.

I wish my parents had this book when I was growing up instead of driving me crazy. Maybe something like this book would’ve stopped me from hurting myself and almost committing suicide one too many times.

[Angie Vallejo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was another great book by Mark Gregston, which I highly recommend. He always offers practical advice for parents in the many areas of raising a teenager, and this book is no exception. We have a teenage son, and our struggles started when he was in 6th grade. We have learned a lot, and this book reinforced us in areas in which we are still learning: judging, relating is more important than winning, asking questions, and adding clear boundries. We know we are on the right track! The first section of the book, about today's culture, is a definite must-read. Things are so different than when we were teens, and it is important to know what your teen is facing, and how soon they are facing it!

[Dale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Published in 2012 by Thomas Nelson

Mark Gregston brings his expertise and experience gained from working with troubled teens for nearly 40 years to a book full of practical advice about how parents can prepare themselves and their teens for the dreaded teen years.

Gregston discusses parenting techniques that don't work (basically, don't be a helicopter parent and don't let your kids fend for themselves too early) and emphasizes the most important thing that keeps teens and their parents connected is a strong relationship. The relationship is key, especially in a larger culture that may not share your values.

Keeping that relationship strong requires...

Read more at: http://dwdsreviews.blogspot.com/2013/...